It's that time of the year once again for all you lonely bachelors (or bachelorettes) out there to wallow away in pity at your lack of success in the relationship department. You gave it your all, but it didn't quite work out this time around. That's why you are here browsing a My Little Pony site today isn't it? You aren't doing this in the middle of a date are you?
Luckily, Equestria's mare to stallion ratio is 6:1, so those of you willing to venture into the wonderful world of hooves, docks, barrels, awkward interactions during Spring, and other equiney things are in luck!
These lovely fillies have all popped their profiles up on pony tinder and it just so happens that you matched all 10! You may still be worn out from last year, but you wouldn't want to ruin the stereotype of legendary human stamina would you?
For cuddles, of course.
Now go. Venture forth into the world of "what the hell is this?" and "why would anyone ever write this?" below.
#10
Chrysalis
"But she's a bug!"
Really? Are you going to pull the race card? Think of how much potential bragging rights there are in bagging the only bug that someone might actually want in their bed.
"But she's evil!"
Yeah, and so were 90% of the characters that we now call commendable members of Equestrian society. Maybe horses just aren't her thing? Maybe she's looking for that hot monkey
And even if she did stay evil, is that so bad? She wants revenge, and you demanded the mane 6 in the comments last year. How about helping her show Twilight and friends what's what, back to back, for several hours, in a way only a changeling can?
#9
Celestia
She wasn't too happy about being left out last year while Luna hogged all the spotlight. Celestia pretends she's not jealous of all the love humanity seems to have for her sister. She's above that right?
Nope.
Not At All.
Celestia is out for revenge, and she wants to prove to you that her ponies are just as fun during the day as her attention-whore of a sister showed you during the night!
And while Moony was off sleeping or whatever on the moon, Celestia had 1000 years to perfect her skills in the world of courtship. She may not have ever settled down, but she has lived through the renaissance, the rise of contraception, the hippy era, the development of the birth control pill, and a host of other revolutions in the art of Pony+Pony=good time. Or Pony+Weird octopus thing from Neighpon. Or Pony+Dragon+Griffon. Or Pony+Pony++Pony+Draconeques+Minotaur. You get the picture.
Will you be her first human? Will the might of humanity impress a divine being who has experienced the art of the Pony Sutra flying upside down 10,000 feet up with the last 25 captains of The Wonderbolts? Don't let us, or her down.
#8
Tempest Shadow
Tempest has had a rough life. It's not easy being a unicorn without a full horn, and her grand plans to get a new one failed spectacularly. She did a bit of adventuring with Trixie and friends, but now she just wants to settle down for a year and have some fun locally.
Unfortunately, she hasn't had much luck on Pony Tinder. I guess helping enslave Equestria is a bit too fresh in your average denizen's mind. She might also be a little self conscious of showing off her cutie mark online, which is usually a dick move in horse culture.
But what's this? She never enslaved you! (unless you want to be enslaved~) And your weird little monkey community keeps drawing her in lewd poses.
...Surely she has a chance right?
She wouldn't mind showing you her mark. Only you though! It's embarassing!
And while you're back there, will you let her borrow your horn?
#7
Marble Pie
She's Fluttershy, but still broken.
...
This post isn't weird at all.
#6
Aloe AND Lotus
The best things come in pairs, especially when they include massage therapy licenses straight from the most prestigious of Prench schools. Aloe and Lotus have been helping their fellow equine relax for almost a decade and are dying to show their newest human match what four skilled hooves are capable of.
They aren't going to spend the entire time massaging your lazy ass though. They've heard all about those magical hands of yours and are dying to give them and you a test drive. Who knows, they might even hire you on at the spa if you manage to impress them, and part of the workload is nightly two-on-one sessions with the bosses~. Just be sure to leave their customers happy at the end, they love repeats.
#5
Starlight Glimmer
Well? Are you? She's already proven that she can set a fandom on fire. Are those big blue eyes setting a fire somewhere else?
Starlight Glimmer has mastered just about every form of magic, and she's dying to test out a few of her more private combinations on you. She never did tell Twilight about some the more interesting ways she has used Similo Duplexis. Her mentor is kind of a prude after all. You aren't though, are you?
Of course, she isn't all magic, tales of her tragic past, and spellcasting. Glimmy here has a bit of a dominant streak in her and she'd absolutely love to take over your village if you know what she means. Just make sure she doesn't lose control. Technically, Persuadary and Feduchia Compellis are still completely legal in Equestria and Glimglam has a weird... thing for hypnotism. The last colt she was with ended up blubbering mess for a week. She swears she didn't cast any spells. She's just that good.
#4
Fluttergoth
A never-ending pit of despair has graced your presence with her malevolent, demonic essence. Fear her, for she is the embodiment of all that is evil in Equestria. A cancer of the light slowly devouring the spectrum one color at a time until only the deepest of blacks remains.
Enter her lair at your own risk, as only the deepest of depression awaits those that absorb her dispair-inducing aura. The raven her spirit animal. The graveyard her safe space. Her free time dedicated to reciting lines from niche horror movies that she definitely did not find in the bargain bin at Walmart.
Embrace the depths of her vampiric blood curse. Slowly she feels herself fall deeper and deeper into uncontrollable hunger, desperate to feed on the souls of the righteous. Will you join her in unlife as a fellow creature of calamity? Raining your destruction across the world as her loyal thrall? Embody the story of your unholy annihilation shredding all that is good until your inquisition becomes the subject of urban legend. Your immortal lives vilified until entropy slowly overtakes the universe as you gaze upon Celestia's doomed sun with fangs bared shouting a prayer to Lord Abaddon and his glorious new age of frozen oblivion!
...Or just brush her mane and rub her belly. She'll shut up eventually. Look at her try to hide her smile~ How cute.
#3
Stellar Flare
After making amends with Starlight's dad, she thought for sure she'd finally found someone to relieve all of that leftover tension after Mr. Flare decided to run off with that tramp from Manehattan. The Development Committee was a good distraction, but last spring was absolute hell.
Unfortunately, Firelight is completely oblivious to her advances, leaving her with the prospect of yet another season all alone. Stallions are so dense! She's tired of it! She needs something new! A race that won't leave her hangin in some backwater village filled with super frustrating happy couples!
Luckily a portal opened, and out popped you! Will you let her show you what a mature mare can do that all these 20something fillys you keep hooking up with couldn't even dream of? Is a strong, independent mare who don't need no colt too much for you?
#2
Somnambula
So your plans with Luna fell through. You had a good few months, but once she started getting acclimatized to current times, the fun of showing a mare what Equestria is like after 1000 years away kinda played itself out. That and the snoring. Who knew alicorns snored so much? Something something weird snout shape.
Anyway, welcome to another shot at that scenario you loved so much. Somnambula is back, and even though she seems super down-to-earth, she's still really nervous about leaving her village and exploring the new world. Will you guide her down the river of modern love? Will you be the Osiris that floods her field? Or maybe get a little freaky with the jackal mask and mummy wrappings?
Don't expect to do all the work though. Pony Egypt's #1 yoga instructor will bend over backwards to show you what years of perfecting her downward doggie pose can really do.
Also butt veil.
#1
Autumn Blaze
Like wild girls? Want to explore the more exotic of Equestrian inhabitants? The newly re-discovered Kirin are freshly cured of their silencing ailment, leaving an entire village of emotionally pent-up lion things right on the edge of bursting! You don't want another fire do you? It is your duty to fix this!
Chief among them is the one that by far has suffered the most. Autumn Blaze needs a vacation, and this Hearts and Hooves day thing Ponyville celebrates sounds like it's right up here alley! Her adventurous nature has lead her straight to your couch, partly because she lost hers, and partly because she read about this strange human ritual involving a comfy sofa, streaming a movie, and lots of "chill".
Make sure you don't get her too riled up though. If anger causes explosions, who knows what her other emotions might do.
Honorable Mention: Pear Butter
You monster
Honorable Mention: Sphinx
You scrolled down to the bottom of a post all about hooking up with colorful horses. Is a cat the size of a 3-story building really that far off the deep end at this point?
F
