FADE IN - Trixie sits among the staff at EQD, on top of the Cutie Map which arrived in some scene that we unfortunately had to cut.
Trixie: Alright so who do we have here that is a parent and can provide a perfect and empathetic view of parenting or babysitting?
No one raises their hand. Borg continues to play with his toys action figures while Silver Quill eats a rat or whatever Hippogriffs do.
More silence. Vicodin raises his hand to stretch while he watches some Korean Pop. Trixie points at him.
Trixie: You there! Do you have a child?
Everyone on the table laughs before they go back to their phones.
Trixie: Girlfriend?
More silence.
Trixie: Siblings?
Vicodin: Ooh! I have some of those!
Trixie: Some? How many?
Vicodin: Four. Do you want this followup or not? I have siblings, that's the only experience I need.
Trixie: WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
Vicodin: Followup after the break.
"Wow, Nurse Redheart, your cutie mark looks different. Did you get into hard times with Coco Pommel again?"
Keep your eye on them, Cheerilee. If they start turning into zombies you might need to ask Rainbow Dash for help.
"You know, Twilight, I've been wanting my own slave too. All of these interns keep asking for food and a livable wage and I don't know how you do it."
"I don't."
"Yep! She doesn't! I'm crying on the inside. Applejack taught me how."
"Alright, now we have just enough time to roll up this checklist."
"Wow, Shiny and Cadance! You both look so rested! This doesn't look worrying at all! Are bags under your eyes the new thing?"
"Spike, it's Season 7. I'd think you'd know when to talk by now. The lesson isn't for another 2 acts."
Dogs are in this world. Is that racist? I think that's racist.
Oh my god. The fragile icy caverns that are my heart have been warmed by the "rawr" of cuteness. Everyone get out while you can.
Can confirm this is how many diapers you need for any infant. Or those could be for Spike, I don't know... All I'm saying is that he might be able to fit in those... It's one less thing you have to do... It's practical, people!!!
"And make sure to hold onto this plot device for at least another two acts. If the commercials play, you've waited too long."
"So, do I put the baby at the top or bottom of the list? This is a last minute addition..."
Vicodin.exe has stopped responding. Please reset or replace him with a more competent followup writer.
Don't look at me like that, Twilight. I get enough judgment from my browser history.
Alright this is going to be my last insubstantial "omg this is cute" caption. OMG THIS IS CUTE.
How are you losing your balance? YOU HAVE WINGS.
I wouldn't eat that either. It looks like Soylent Green... Poylent Green? Okay, I'm stopping while I'm ahead.
"If you listen closely, you can hear the cries of an Art major in a crashing economy."
"Yeah dude, let's brohoof. All the kids are doing it."
"MY KID ISN'T HEREEEEEEEE!"
*Insert reference to currently hated media or your favorite horse here*
"I call this: 'Vicodin's Social Life'"
"Who's Vicodin?"
"He exists purely for the purpose of this joke. The joke is now over."
"I'm Princess Flurry Heart, and this is Jackass."
NON-JOKE TIME! This kind of situation is heart-breaking when you're taking care of younger family. You wish that everything could pause for the one that you love, but the single mother who works two jobs to keep the lights on or the parent that collapses from exhaustion when their head finally hits the pillow could testify that this isn't the case. And of course, due to Murphy's Law, these conundrums always come up when you don't want them to.
We got the Season 1 background gang all here! Berry Punch, "Best Friends" Lyra and Bon Bon, Carrot Top, and Cherry Berry! We've come a long way, haven't we? Anyone else have wings since we last met? No? Moving on.
"Did I change your diaper recently?"
"You did off-camera."
"Yeah but I wasn't in-character then. Also you're supposed to be a baby."
"Oh, right, sorry... Wah."
"Spike, where did you go!?"
"And thus as we see here, the memes are dankest when they come from a logarithmic curve where X is the rarity (no not that one) and Y is the 'why did you come up with this'."
"Oh no, my memes! They're gone! Wait... does that mean they're more rare? If it doesn't exist is it the ultimate of rarity? Write this down."
"And this art piece represents all of the MLP writers who stepped on my dreams."
"What did you say your name was?"
"UHHH MOVING ON!"
"Pinkie I'm pretty sure that's stalking."
"RIGHT? The NSA's got nothing on this!"
Real-time footage of Seth fighting with the Trixie fan.
50/50, perfect equality. Uh oh...
I look away for one minute and this place looks like the Golden Oaks Library!
Too soon?
I plead the fifth on this caption.
"And Princess Twilight punched Tirek in the face, and it was awesome."
"Miss Twilight? That doesn't seem like something you would do."
"Neither is this: you're dying."
Uh oh, the patented baby crying is coming. THE PLOT DEVICE! QUICK!
Thankfully, you don't need a height requirement to ride The Flurry... that came out wrong. Just... next picture.
And this is probably one of the worst feelings of being a sibling or parent: the moment where you went too far. The heart-breaking feeling is that you usually don't notice it until it happens. A spike of anger, or frustration, or when the pressure simply mounts and you say that one thing... or you raise your voice... and you find your sister hiding under the kitchen sink, crying in fear.
The good thing is that they'll forgive you. But sometimes it's hard to forgive yourself.
"What happened to the old Season 1 days where everything was fixed once the moral was solved? Can we get someone else to clean? The janitors? The bronies? Anyone?"
Their parent senses are tingling. The moment that Flurry Heart cries, they do too. It's like a Pavlovian reaction.
"I'm sorry, Flurry, I already have one pony here that wears diapers, I can't take on another."
If you stare long enough, Flurry Heart stares into your soul. Thankfully I don't have one so I'm immune to the damage.
"And then the lovely Shmerity confessed her love for the strong dragon, and— oh wait wrong episode."
And once again, we find the perfect visual representation of my face when I find that my followup is over.
Thanks everyone for reading! I had a lot of fun with this episode and Season 7 so far! I'm very impressed with the amount of times I laughed and how apt the moral was. Thank you for reading! If you'd like to shoot me a tweet, you can find me @abagofvicodin or you can comment down below! I'll see you all next week, since I strangled the competition for a Maud followup as well. ABagOVicodin out.
