PINKIE PIE
The party planner
The bringer of smiles
The DESTROYER of physics
...The enigma.
While many earth ponies find satisfaction in their lack of magical prowess, one pony seems to have unlocked the very secrets of the universe. What are her limits? Where did these abilities come from? How does she plan on using them?
We were hired by Celestia herself to analyze and report on Pinkie Pie in an attempt to better understand her capabilities, and determine if they are either a threat or a boon to Equestrian society. Will she eventually crack and destroy the world? Or is she here to bring the pony race to a new age of enlightenment?
After six years of monitoring and investigation, our report is now available for the masses. Find it down below.
Impromptu Disguise
Pinkie Pie's uncanny ability to assume the likeness of her friends is something that has been compared to that of the Changeling. With almost no magical energy at all, she can dawn a flawless representation of her best friend Fluttershy, as was spotted in the Crystal Empire. Typical changeling detection magic does not work on it, but at the moment it appears to be image only, meaning her voice would still give her away.
Threat Level: Minor
Helicoptor Tail
The wonders of flight have been long sought after by the Earth Pony race. Many incredible inventions have been created in order to allow them to join their pegasus brethren in the skies, from the grand zeppelins of Canterlot to the more personalized via gliders and hoof-powered gyrocopters. Even Pinkie has been seen using one in the earliest days of this investigation.
As of two years ago, she now has the ability of powered flight simply using her tail. This suggests that her powers are evolving, a scary prospect. The power itself is nowhere near the level of flight that a unicorn or pegasus can attain though, so for now we consider it a low priority.
Threat Level: Minor
Pinkie Sense
So far, the famed and already studied "Pinkie Sense" seems to have taken a back seat to her host of other newer abilities. As far as we can tell, it only works as a warning mechanism, giving her a heads up on danger or things that are about to happen. Since we rarely see her use it now days, it can be assumed that she has found a way to internalize it, or she no longer needs it as her powers continue to evolve.
Threat Level: Minor
Mane Manufacturing
On multiple occasions Pinkie has been spotted extracting objects directly out of her mane; many of which are much larger than the actual perceived space available within it. Oddly enough, she still appears to prefer to use saddle bags, along with the more traditional "lay it across the back" storage even with this power, meaning the current hypothesis is that the space is actually limited. Unfortunately she has pulled out weaponry before in the form of baseball bats, making us wary about what else she might be storing up there.
Threat Level: Moderate
Body Part Extension
Pinkie Pie appears to be able to extend and morph her body parts at will, allowing her to reach far away objects or squeeze into tight spaces. Even her eyeballs have this elasticity ability, allowing her to squeeze them through tiny holes to monitor areas without actually entering them. At the moment we have not seen her morph any of her limbs into sharp or dangerous objects, so while extremely disturbing in many instances, it does not seem to pose a danger to your average Equestrian citizen.
Threat Level: Minor
Super Stealth
We are not sure how Pinkie is able to accomplish this one. Is it done via micro-portals summoned at will? Is it a variant on the earlier body part extension, but retraction instead?
If option one, she seems to have a way to monitor and see her friends from afar, either by hidden cameras hidden throughout Ponyville or by more magical means. Option two would suggest she has some strange uncanny way to know exactly where her friends will be in the future, and hide in nearby objects in preparation. Either way, if used in the wrong hooves, this capability could prove to be a huge threat to the privacy of all Equestrian citizens.
Threat Level: Moderate
Drill Mane
The bowl and spa in the previous category were both analyzed a year ago to make sure there wasn't some kind of hidden tunnel system built throughout Ponyville that only Pinkie Pie knew about. After it was discovered that her mane could actually act as a drill, it was one of the biggest theories as to how her strange ability to pop up anywhere seems to work. Fortunately the foundation of Ponyville seems secure, as we could find no evidence of digging outside of known instances that she took part in.
Regardless, the ability to dig under buildings or wreak havoc via accidental sinkholes can't be ignored. It is recommended that she take a class on structural integrity and geology before a disaster actually does happen.
Threat Level: Moderate
Nasal Storage
Similar to her mane, or simply an extension of the mane? Is she actually pulling things out of her body through her mane? Was this sneeze simply a "leak" of her inner-pocket? Many mysteries have appeared from this image. At the moment the prevailing theory is that she simply stores confetti in her nose for the sake of making her sneezes more interesting. Based on her personality profile and need to make everypony around her laugh, this wouldn't be too far fetched.
Threat Level: Why?
Self Dismemberment
At the moment, we have 0 idea why this would be a good idea or what she actually accomlpishes by doing it, but it does bring on another theory on how she seems to "store" herself in various locations.
Threat Level: Why?
Body Part Multiplication
One of the most startling instances we came across in our investigation was the sudden appearance of multiple pink hooves surrounding the camera lense, as if she had invaded the internal mechanics and implanted pieces of herself within. Even more startling was out realization that they were not within our camera, but instead somehow a part of our vision. 19 hooves suddenly taking up our periphery without any way to remove them. The act was short lived, but my entire team spent the rest of the night fearing that their brains had been hacked.
We have no idea how she did it or what the goal was, but the ability to implant images in the brains of others isn't something to take lightly; if that is even what happened.
Threat Level: High
Stomach of Holding
A typical layer of wedding cake is 250 calories a slice at 10 slices per. The cakes in Equestria are anything but typical, so lets go ahead and add another 100 calories per slice to make up for the couple inches of frosting and chocolate. That's around 3500 calories a layer. We've seen her devour several layers at a time, along with piles of cupcakes and cookies.
Lets say she downs a 3 layer cake plus a bunch of other food, as she regularly does. That's around 12,000 calories. To burn that at around 105 calories a mile, you would need to run 114 miles or walk ~220. Since little ponies are.. little, they probably don't weigh nearly as much, meaning they would need to burn even more to maintain a healthy weight while taking such huge chunks of calories in.
She's also resisting all sorts of diseases that come with massive spikes in sugar and carbohydrates. Diabetes is something that can and does happen in horses, plus the usual heart attack and stroke from all that cholestorol.
Is her stomach simply a void? A food singularity that will keep on consuming over the course of millions of years until it eventually erupts and consumes her too? Or does the food pass right on through requiring hundreds of restroom breaks a day? Maybe she secretly sends it all to another dimension to feed an army of clones she plans to take over the multi-verse with?
Much of this is conspiracy. At the moment, the only scare is that she will, over time, start to consume too much, but with the current ease of access to food in Equestria, it's not too worrisome.
Threat Level: Minor
Self Explosion
It could be that she simply has a biological rocket built in somewhere that uses all this excess food as fuel. She pretty clearly has some form of propulsion out of her rear end if the scene in "A Friend in Deed" is any indication. Not only does she launch herself into the sky via a blast of energy... from behind, but she also radiates the excess from all directions in a brilliant display of fireworks. Testing has been done on this energy to make sure it is not harmful in any way, and all results have deemed it safe. There is a fear that she might lose control of it in a populated area one day though, so for that reason we do consider it a priority.
Threat Level: Moderate
Destruction of The Modern Laws of Physics
Ever since we were foals on the playground, we have seen the beauty of physics at play. When you sit at the top of a slide and push forward, gravity eventually takes over and you slip down. That's not how Pinkie uses one. Her very nature seems to defy every law of physics in existence. Realistic boundaries do not exist to this mare. It is something only ever seen from Discord.
When a pony is not controlled by the same natural laws of other ponies, it creates a certain level of fear within the populace. Even her friends seem put off by her abilities whenever she openly uses them. How far this go is still a mystery, but for now, it's something to be very closely monitored.
Threat Level: High
Video evidence
Communication With Another Dimension
One of the scariest things our investigative team has seen Pinkie Pie do is communicate with what appears to be a completely separate dimension. At first we thought she was simply imitating a mime, but closer inspection of her hooves and body parts seems to indicate an actual tangible invisible barrier that do not exist when other ponies attempt to do the same thing. Many instances of her staring off into the distance or even talking to the inhabitants of this world have been documented. She has even pulled Princess Twilight into what she reported be a completely dark void between worlds.
Who are these creatures she is networking with? Is it an alien species monitoring our world? Are they seeking a way to invade us? Or are they peaceful like the Breezies?
Thread Level: High
Life Extension
Notes found within Pinkie Pie's secret party planning room seem to hint that she plans her events far into the future, 500 years far to be exact. Oddly enough, this was in regards to her parents, who are simple rock farmers and almost nothing like her. As far as we know, the Pie Family do not share Pinkie Pie's abilities, which seems to hint that she may have a way to extend both her and the lives of the ponies around her.
There is no evidence of dangerous rituals or sacrifices for her to accomplish this, and could even be a great thing for society if she shares her secret. She could also just be suffering from some rare form of OCD, where an afternoon of party planning turned into the planning of 500 years in advance for no reason other than to satisfy some weird urge.
Threat Level: Possibly Good!
Teleportation
Only the highest level unicorns and Discord are capable of the act of teleportation. It's something no one ever expected to see out of a pony. Oddly enough, hers seems to be much more related to the draconequus's natural ability rather than any kind of spell casting. She even randomly slaps a silly dimension-ripping sound on there sometimes.
I've mentioned above that most of her powers seem very similar to Discord, and while he has been somewhat reformed, there was still a huge gap of time where Equestria as a whole was thrown into complete and utter chaos 1000 years ago. If it was simple unicorn spell teleportation, I would be less wary, but the way she does it has me worried for what is to come.
Threat Level: High
Final Report
Celestia is tight-lipped about the origins of Discord, and ignores all inquiries I bring to her when comparing Pinkie Pie to the much-assumed God of Chaos. It is unknown where he came from or how he attained his powers. Is this the path Pinkie Pie is taking? Will the future party pony demand a world of celebration as opposed to madness?
At the moment, she seems only to use her powers for good, but there are many moments where we see her slip into some strange form of madness. Luckily she has not gotten violent or destructive during these phases, and with such excellent friends keeping her happy the instances are rare.
Pinkie's powers are vast and still completely unexplainable, but if she continues to use her powers for good, I see no reason to fear.
Thanks to Bill Ames for the suggestion
