I try not to get too political on this blog for marshmallow ponies. At least, I don’t get political unless it’s funny- then all bets are off. For example, when we were covering the rumors that Archmage Twilight Sparkle had sprouted some new appendages right in the middle of Ponyville’s town square, a little opinionation was unavoidable. Man, it’s a good thing that never actually happened. Could you imagine the fallout?
Unsubstantiated news events aside, I’m glad to report that this article, like all of my writing here on Equestria Daily, contains only facts. Cold hard facts. It’s always a heated topic when any one pony is elevated above another, but this is different. It’s not another pony we’re talking about, but a video game console that shall remain unnamed to protect the innocent.[citation needed]
For example, I can safely say that Rainbow Dash is better than this console on the basis of...
Just because Rainbow Dash has been on record saying boys have cooties doesn’t mean that title means what you think it means.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the arrow of time. It probably showed up on that one show from that place across the ocean about a guy in a suit who rides around in a telephone booth. Jersey Shore, I think. The point is that if you travel anywhere along this arrow of time and talk to Rainbow Dash, you are in fact still talking to Rainbow Dash. She might act a little differently and lose a few tattoos at some point, but you are speaking to the same pony. If that’s not backwards compatible, I don’t know what is- and I have facts on my side.
That said, if she wasn’t backwards compatible, I suppose that she could theoretically charge you money to speak to her at different points in her life, because, “that was the old me, man.” Could you imagine how ridiculous that would be? I’m glad that’s not a thing. Time travel, too, I guess. Speaking of charging money for things...
Rainbow Dash was quite confused when I asked her about this particular point- after getting over the fact that I had apparently ‘snuck into’ her cloud house[citation needed], she said that she would gladly play a used video game, as long as it wasn’t covered in spiders or something. She said something about, “why would I care if someone had it before me? Is it any good? Is Spitfire in it?” It would have been a fair point if I hadn’t stolen the games to begin with to prove another point. I’m not sure which point, but I’m sure it was a good one. On an unrelated note, tell the police I’ve moved to the Crystal Empire. I hear it has lots of points. That pun should be crystal clear, but just in case, watch your step.
Perhaps if apples couldn’t be resold from anyone but an Apple Family Certified Reseller their influence wouldn’t have grown to the point of regional domination. Of course, the natural response something like that would be a nice, cold, refreshing Apple Family Cider. Buy one today!
If it was possible to save the world and its natural order by spawning radioactive, chromatic, circular rainbows of destruction... well, Rainbow Dash still couldn’t do it because that sounds completely counterproductive, but damned if she doesn’t make a great firework when the need arises. Her natural ability to fly really fast while going with the pull of gravity, which all pegasi besides that yellow one in the corner seem to possess, grants her a distinct advantage in this tussle. If you’ve ever lost a contact lens in a grassy knoll, or wanted to drop something particularly nasty on an unagreeable individual, Rainbow Dash is your pony. You can fly in a game, but she can fly for real. I’ll let that rhyme sink in.
In the opposite corner, well- have you ever heard the phrase, “I thrust you as far as I can troll you?” I’m pretty sure that’s how that goes. Regardless, if you can throw our unnamed console further than a dozen meters, I’m pretty sure even Shining Armor would be pretty impressed. Paint it bubblegum pink and I’ll have an article for next week in no time.
Black is the new black, apparently. You can have any color you want, as long as it’s black. Can I get that in a very dark grey? Oh, and it must be paired with a primary color, preferably red or green. That’s still in style, right?
Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, well- she’s any color you want her to be. She’s every color. She’s more colors than most people can imagine. I’m pretty sure she invented a few colors just by existing. Violet didn’t exist until Rainbow Dash did. If it were possible to be more color-coordinated than she is, Rarity would be out of business faster than you can sell a book to Twilight. She will never be able to get a job where you have to stand in front of a greenscreen, or any color of screen for that matter. Artists use her as a color pallette. If you thought Cadance had a lot of colors in her mane, you haven’t seen anything yet. That big chapal with all the paintings on the ceiling? No one painted that, Rainbow Dash just stood in the middle of the room and let the sunlight bounce off of her tail and the paintings just appeared. I think there’s a religion revolving around them now.[citation needed]
Can I get that in black, please?
Being a sentient being, Rainbow Dash costs zero dollars. Even if you’re paying her to do a job for you, you’re still not paying for her, you’re paying for an ability of hers and her time. You can license or contract Rainbow Dash, but you can’t own her, because slavery of sentient, intelligent beings is immoral and wrong.
Man, someone should tell the Apples.
Unsubstantiated news events aside, I’m glad to report that this article, like all of my writing here on Equestria Daily, contains only facts. Cold hard facts. It’s always a heated topic when any one pony is elevated above another, but this is different. It’s not another pony we’re talking about, but a video game console that shall remain unnamed to protect the innocent.[citation needed]
For example, I can safely say that Rainbow Dash is better than this console on the basis of...
1) She’s Backwards Compatible
Just because Rainbow Dash has been on record saying boys have cooties doesn’t mean that title means what you think it means.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the arrow of time. It probably showed up on that one show from that place across the ocean about a guy in a suit who rides around in a telephone booth. Jersey Shore, I think. The point is that if you travel anywhere along this arrow of time and talk to Rainbow Dash, you are in fact still talking to Rainbow Dash. She might act a little differently and lose a few tattoos at some point, but you are speaking to the same pony. If that’s not backwards compatible, I don’t know what is- and I have facts on my side.
 |
| Irrefutable. |
That said, if she wasn’t backwards compatible, I suppose that she could theoretically charge you money to speak to her at different points in her life, because, “that was the old me, man.” Could you imagine how ridiculous that would be? I’m glad that’s not a thing. Time travel, too, I guess. Speaking of charging money for things...
2) She Will Gladly Play Used Games
Rainbow Dash was quite confused when I asked her about this particular point- after getting over the fact that I had apparently ‘snuck into’ her cloud house[citation needed], she said that she would gladly play a used video game, as long as it wasn’t covered in spiders or something. She said something about, “why would I care if someone had it before me? Is it any good? Is Spitfire in it?” It would have been a fair point if I hadn’t stolen the games to begin with to prove another point. I’m not sure which point, but I’m sure it was a good one. On an unrelated note, tell the police I’ve moved to the Crystal Empire. I hear it has lots of points. That pun should be crystal clear, but just in case, watch your step.
Perhaps if apples couldn’t be resold from anyone but an Apple Family Certified Reseller their influence wouldn’t have grown to the point of regional domination. Of course, the natural response something like that would be a nice, cold, refreshing Apple Family Cider. Buy one today!
3) She Can Fly
If it was possible to save the world and its natural order by spawning radioactive, chromatic, circular rainbows of destruction... well, Rainbow Dash still couldn’t do it because that sounds completely counterproductive, but damned if she doesn’t make a great firework when the need arises. Her natural ability to fly really fast while going with the pull of gravity, which all pegasi besides that yellow one in the corner seem to possess, grants her a distinct advantage in this tussle. If you’ve ever lost a contact lens in a grassy knoll, or wanted to drop something particularly nasty on an unagreeable individual, Rainbow Dash is your pony. You can fly in a game, but she can fly for real. I’ll let that rhyme sink in.
 |
| If I could have made it a pun, I would have. |
In the opposite corner, well- have you ever heard the phrase, “I thrust you as far as I can troll you?” I’m pretty sure that’s how that goes. Regardless, if you can throw our unnamed console further than a dozen meters, I’m pretty sure even Shining Armor would be pretty impressed. Paint it bubblegum pink and I’ll have an article for next week in no time.
4) She Comes in More Colors
Black is the new black, apparently. You can have any color you want, as long as it’s black. Can I get that in a very dark grey? Oh, and it must be paired with a primary color, preferably red or green. That’s still in style, right?
Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, well- she’s any color you want her to be. She’s every color. She’s more colors than most people can imagine. I’m pretty sure she invented a few colors just by existing. Violet didn’t exist until Rainbow Dash did. If it were possible to be more color-coordinated than she is, Rarity would be out of business faster than you can sell a book to Twilight. She will never be able to get a job where you have to stand in front of a greenscreen, or any color of screen for that matter. Artists use her as a color pallette. If you thought Cadance had a lot of colors in her mane, you haven’t seen anything yet. That big chapal with all the paintings on the ceiling? No one painted that, Rainbow Dash just stood in the middle of the room and let the sunlight bounce off of her tail and the paintings just appeared. I think there’s a religion revolving around them now.[citation needed]
 |
| Spike's a missionary. |
Can I get that in black, please?
5) She’s Free
Being a sentient being, Rainbow Dash costs zero dollars. Even if you’re paying her to do a job for you, you’re still not paying for her, you’re paying for an ability of hers and her time. You can license or contract Rainbow Dash, but you can’t own her, because slavery of sentient, intelligent beings is immoral and wrong.
Man, someone should tell the Apples.
Cereal Velocity has a Twitter. You can follow him @CerealVelocity
