[Comedy]
Author: Dawnscroll
Description: When a mishap occurs with Celestia's bathroom scale, an ancient protocol that may just doom Equestria is set into motion. With the entire palace staff now conspiring against her, the sun goddess must not only contend mountains of paper work, dancing celery sticks, and steroid pumped stallions, but a sister who will take this chance to torture Celestia any way she can as payback for her banishment. Lock the cupboards and barricade the fridge! It's the Royal Diet!
A Slice of Life (NewChapter 11!)
Additional Tags: Cake, payback, trolluna, reflection, funny
53 comments:
Haha, YES! Awesome story, I will be watching it.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. I don't know what to make of this. I guess I'll have to read it and find out. They kind of had me at 'dancing celery sticks.'
ReplyDeleteI saw this first on FimFiction and was tempted to read it. Maybe now I will!
ReplyDeleteWhen the goddess responsible for raising the sun and all the other generally good stuff starts having body image issues...yeah, basically the entire universe is boned. This will be worth a look when I have more free time.
ReplyDeleteThat picture made me make a sound I didn't know I was capable of making...
ReplyDeleteDancing Celery sticks are a public menace.
ReplyDeletehappy Luna is so happy
ReplyDeleteIf this is not the best story ever this picture/description combo will have been sorely disappointing.
ReplyDeleteFantastic and extremely funny!!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, Déjà vu, I just read it today.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise, but it is a little bit cliche humor to it.
I am watching and seeing where it will go though.
This is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteScottish sheep are now my new headcanon
THIS is interesting.
ReplyDeleteomg, this sounds amazing :D
ReplyDeletejust read it, so far extremely funny
ReplyDeleteSounds like Luna will have some fun
ReplyDeleteCelestia's inevitable berserker fury will be so, so amazingly amazing.
ReplyDeleteI think the best part is that Celestia is still the zenith of Equestrian beauty, but because she's so much larger than the average pony she's also heavier. That scale probably isn't meant for alicorns. Not that she'd know, lololololol
Tracker activated. Down to 2 now.
ReplyDeleteHmm...I guess I didn't find this as funny as most commenters seemed to, for whatever reason. It's not bad, and maybe it's just me, but it somehow feels sorta like it's trying too hard to be funny, or something. Don't ask me what I mean by that, because I'm not entirely sure.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's just a slow start, because it seems like it has potential.
There is no possible way this will ever end well, but you can bet your plot I'm not going to miss a second of it.
ReplyDeleteWhy... am I reading the cook in the Demoman's voice??
ReplyDelete^Angry Scott, I guess. He was the guy from "The Wall" for me.
ReplyDeleteOh, buck me. The diet...
Gordon Ramsey advised on "Chef!" with Lenny Henry, and taught him how to make the character of Gareth Blackstock a right bastard. Good to see he's channelling The Big Man, too.
ReplyDeleteSweet Celestia, I MUST READ THIS!
ReplyDeleteGMC Brigadier General Brougham reporting for late-night comic duty, sir!
I read it, and I got bored.
ReplyDeleteGMC Brigadier General Brougham clocking out of late-night FANFIC duty in disgrace.
After reading Chapter 1, this sounds like it's going to turn out to be a very silly story.
ReplyDeleteI read it before it came to Equestria Daily. *hipsterglasses*
ReplyDeleteSee, that's what I want to see in a description. When something makes me want to forgo sleep this much, you're doing it right.
ReplyDeleteOh dear lord were gonna die
ReplyDeleteOkay lol, that was amusing.
ReplyDeletePossible spoilers ahead:
Love what's going on here. Never before have I seen Luna portrayed as Celestia's annoying sister. I've seen a lot of friendly pranking, even more of the "I'm so sorry" story, but never the "nyah nyah nyah whatcha gonna do bout it, sis?" Luna, and I gotta say it's good. XD
And also, Chef Ram Sea. I see what you did there....
@Simple
You're not alone. I was reading it the exact same way, actually.
your dad was a flashlight and your mother was a whistle, that cheated on your dad with another whistle
ReplyDeletecomedy gold
Celestia doesn't get fat. She's got a nuclear furnace for a stomach.
ReplyDeleteCH.1 :
ReplyDelete>Instantly she felt the coffee beginning to take effect, and she gave a muffled moan of pleasure.
-Huh... I’m gonna take whatever she’s having. ;)
>Its name was The Kitchens and it was ruled with an iron cloven hoof by none other than it’s God-King, Head Chef Ram Sea.
-...wait... Like, Gordon Ramsay ? The biggest ass (personal opinion) I have ever seen on TV (so much that I wonder why no one tried to assassinate him, yet) ? ...well, there’s not much else to say, really.
>“What’s going on?” he tried to say over the noise, “Did somepony set off the fire alarms?”
>“It’s the Royal Diet!”
-Wait ? The weight-balance is ‘’magically’’ rigged, with a special and specific alarm, to the Royal kitchen itself ?
What are they gonna invent next... chariots that magically move by themselves ?
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Well, simple and relatively interesting so far. Personally, I really hope that the ‘Chef Ram’ also get ‘’pranked’’ by Luna... even if just indirectly.
I know I said it when this was first posted, but I need to say it again.
ReplyDeleteHappy Luna is so happy!
This gets more amusing every chapter. The last story I read like this was "Celestia's Teeth" by Abalidoth.
ReplyDeleteOk this is buckin hilarious, please please please finish for chapters soon.
ReplyDelete"but celery has NEGATIVE calories!!" awesome.
Chapter 3, why you no exist?
ReplyDeleteNo Chapter 3? Why must you torment me so!
ReplyDeleteThere isn't a chapter three.
ReplyDeleteYeah... disappointed...
ReplyDeleteI ,Sir, frown upon you for this incessant and unworthy trolling! Chapter three has most certainly not been updated!
ReplyDelete>I own zipdadoodle.
ReplyDelete-Funny how so many people own a ‘zipdadoodle’, isn’t it ? Now, I want one of those too ! :)
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CH.2 :
>“I’m sorry, but I didn’t make any room in your schedule to be miserable. Would you like some?”
-Well, that was a pretty funny one. :)
>Maybe if she gave it life…. Yes, then it would cower before her. It would feel her pain as she bit down into nutritional body
-Huhhh... Quick!, give her cake before she goes coo-coo-crazy ! Next step is ‘hallucinations’, and eating your pillow thinking it’s a marshmallow.
>I’ve dealt wi' cheese graters louder than ye!” Chef Ram Sea shouted, pointing an accusing hoof towards the flashing lights.
-He has gone crazy... well, scratch that, he’s MORE crazy than before (if that’s possible).
>There was something truly awe-inspiring about a pissed off sheep.
-This sentence is strangely amusing, for some reasons ? ...well, I will go punch a sheep in Minecraft, just to see.
>Celestia bit down onto the celery with a hearty and audible crunch.
>Y-yes… yes! Everything shalt be alright, Tia! >“FOR EQUESTRIA!”
-I... don’t really get it ? I mean, I can guess this leads to something funny later, but ?
...what? Does Luna think that Celestia knows about the weight-balance, because she ‘noisily’ ate her celery ? Maybe a small ‘’visual’’ cue (Luna looking at the celery) or something, to help ?
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Another rather light and amusing chapter, yes. Also, someone should REALLY go get Celestia more celery... before she decides to start nibbling at the granite walls!
Also, I would like to ‘invest’ into a bet that the alarm will wall off the celling, and on Ram’s head.
@Nova25
ReplyDelete*will fall off
This good sir. Is un-buckin believably hilarious, I did not stop laughing the entire time. Please keep them comming.
ReplyDeleteBeen waiting forever on this FINALLY
ReplyDeleteCH.3 :
ReplyDelete>Luna looked up at the the abacus which floated in front of her
-Abacus ! Good ‘ol chap. I missed ye... wait ? ...just ‘’the abacus’’, not ‘’Abacus’’ with a big ‘A’ ?
You know it’s her toy/pet, right ?
>But boy, whenever he did get orders from a commanding officer, did he ever march… on… and on… and on…” Celestia trailed off, a silly grin stretched on her face
-Me think she didn’t ask just ‘’military’’ service, from some of her high-ranking offciers ? ... ;)
>“Border disputes fought with pillows. Mid-treaty assassinations consisting of squirt guns. Massive engagements consisted of foam swords. Need I go on?”
-The kind of war I wouldn’t mind... where do I sign ? ;)
>“These celebrities… they are the new form of nobility, no?”
-Weeeeeeeell... you know what ? Yes they are, in a way.
Mmh... interesting.
>Canterlot’s most popular fashion model, Fleur De Lis.
-Yay, Fleur-de-Lis. :D
>this would whole thing would be
-I think there’s one ‘’would’’ too many there ? (small error)
>“…there was about a hundred years of comfort food after… you know… moon incident…”
-To her defence, all those cakes were delicious. ;)
>“Then there was the year the potato chip was invented…” Feather Duster added cheerily.
-Someone can get ‘’fat’’ by eating tons of chips ? Really ? Sounds good ;).
>“…and the great decade of cheesecake!”
-CAAAAAAKE ! ...also, I’m starting to get hungry, just by reading those lines.
>Luna giggled to herself, the idea of a very round Celestia coming to her mind.
-That actually sounds... ‘cute’, in a way ;)
>“Luna… is that a milkshake?”
>“Maaaaaybeeeeee…”
>Sluuuuuuuuurp’
-Teh torture ! Ye horrible torture by ‘eating in front of your face’ ! ...savages !
>Celestia opened the door and walked into what felt like a brick wall.
>“Oh good! I was hoping we’d find you here. This is Schwarzwälder, your new personal trainer!”
-I know this chapter has been before the last episode, but... for a moment, I thought it was gonna be ‘Iron Will’ there. ;)
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Interesting, and quite funny chapter. Rather enjoyable, so far.
I... don’t understand why there’s a random weird block of ‘dark(word?)’ text, at the beginning... really ? Seems just unnecessary, and not really interesting or even relevant to the story.
ReplyDeleteCH.4 :
>She made note to send her court wizards a basket of muffins.
-The author is aware of the fact that ponykind(unicorns race as a WHOLE) hasn’t ‘’managed’’ the sun for THOUSANDS of years! (if not more!)
The level of doubt here is *extremely* high, for even a single ‘’normal/mortal’’ pony to know how to do it... and even more for a GROUP of them, even if from the Princess(es)’s own court(s).
>A butterfly gently settled on Luna’s nose. The night goddess’s nose twitched in her sleep, and let out a tiny sneeze.
>PURE EVIL!
-Awwwwww... so adorable ‘Evil’.
>“It’s just… something just doesn’t seem right about him. There’s no way he got that big without steroids.”
-Steroids... Increase muscles, Reduce brain. What can wron-gletzreeee......
>gowns will go to Fleur De Lise
-It’s ‘’Fleur de Lis’’, not ‘’lise’’. (small error)
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Well, honestly… it was FAR from the best chapter so far... Any of the previous one much more funny and enjoyable.
This one hadn’t much ‘humor’ in it, plus the weird thing at the ''beginning'' and with the Sun(later)...
...Also, the ‘so-much-excessive trolling from Luna-that it’s as obvious as a thousand suns’... I mean, really... the slight/medium trolling from Luna, in the previous chapters, was pretty good in the story, but this chapter REALLY forces it way too much for its own good.
Seriously... the author has to stop placing HUGE block of darker text at the *beginning* of his stories... it’s unnecessary and distracting from the story to-be-read.
ReplyDeletePeople normally put, sometimes, a SMALL 2-3 sentences at the start... like a disclaimer or to prepare the reader for the chapter... and leave after-thoughts and larger author-comment for the *END* of the chapter/part... -_-
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CH.5 :
>As if somepony had pressed a detonator, the armor had suddenly turned into a weapon.
>The bits of metal shot in all directions
-Soooo... Celestia was so ‘’fat’’ that she almost literally made the mega-armor explode ?
A good thing that a goddess can’t die from a heart-attack... Kinda funny.
She just need to not fall at the top of a hill. ;)
>"He was like a fresh donut-"
>Luna pressed her hooves to her ears, turning her eyes up to the ceiling. "I don't need to hear this! Lalalalalalalalala!"
-Silly awkward fun is indeed rather funny. :)
> "-cream filling right up-"
-... ... ...wut ? ...oh boy, I have been on the Internet for too long haven’t I ?
>if but o put distance
-‘’to put’’, I suppose ?
>Chef Ram Sea trailed off slowly.
>The sheep suddenly fell back on his rear, his hooves pressed over his heart.
-Huhhh... I ‘’suppose’’ it’s because Celestia said the ‘’milkshake’’ was horrible, that he’s having some sort of culinary-heart attack ? ...oooook ?
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Well, it was an ‘ok’ chapter. The section with Celestia and the ‘’fresh donut’’ was awkwardly funny, and Ram’s reaction was... odd ?
CH.6... or 6.25 ? ...huh, 6.3 ? ... ... ...wait what ? The author is following a computer/program update system or something ?
ReplyDelete-----
CH. 6.25 ... .747.42-Q :
>I play the Utensil Card 'Serrated Knife!' Now if you attack my Lilywurst it'll turn into three Deli Slice tokens!
-Magic The Gathering ? ...Yu Gi Ho ? (first one is better, I say)
>The irate sheep sent a glare to the red lights on the ceiling.
>For the past month all you've done is wail, an' scream like a fussy baby.
-Well, the ‘red light’ and him goes perfectly together then. ;)
>Nopony expected the Solar Inquisition Gift Shop.
-It may be an old thing, but it’s always somewhat funny to see ;). : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt0Y39eMvpI
>But they have shown their love for the Night! They have created a delicacy after me!
>It was a moon pie.
-Yay. Never actually ate a ‘’moon pie’’, but there’s something very similar here called : ‘’Jos Louis’’ : http://www.productwiki.com/upload/images/jos_louis.jpg
Also... just wait when she discovers the existence of ‘’Moonshine’’. ;)
>Nomnomnom! Are they not glorious? Tia, thou must try one! Nomnom! Everypony must try one! Moon pies! MOON PIES FOR EVERYPONY!”
-Well, even though this is another case of EXTREMELY obvious (and not subtle at all) trolling from Luna... at least this one is somewhat funny. That’s good.
Also, moon pie fight of doom !
(later) ...oh, I just found this to had to my large reference list ;). : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXGM_Q1cCaQ
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CH. 6.3 :
... *Quickly skip random section inserted at the beginning* ...
>The marshmallow isn’t stuck on there THAT badly. Can’t we, you know, have Luna just lick it off or something?”
-That actually sounds and would probably be funny... and, I wonder if she would mind ?
>Did the two of you really have to give those pies a layer of explosive magic?
-‘’Hey ! It’s what gives them their explosion of flavor, I will let you know !’’
>I confess to the deed. May mine punishment be as delicious as the act.
-This part is really going well, so far. :)
>There was no reasonable purpose to cut into the sacred wood.
-Don’t they have, like, ‘’tree farms’’ with earth ponies and unicorns working on fast growing trees or something ? Considering Equestria, it wouldn’t be that much of a stretch, really.
>“Sister, do I look like an abacus to you?”
-Speaking of that... where’s her dear Abacus ?
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Well, this part was pretty ‘’rich’’ in diversity/potential references. Rather funny and interesting too.
Though, I still don’t get why the author didn’t just numbered the chapters as 6 and 6.5 (since it’s chapter 6, and second half of ch.6).
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteBecause there's multiple parts to chapter six. And that was just a very teeny tiny part. So it was only worth .05 of the value. XD
CH.7 :
ReplyDelete>These were more like piranha
-Piranhas, but on land..? ...kinda like chihuahuas, then ? ;)
>Colonel Mustard, of the royal guard, was no doubt planning to assassinate Lord Strawberry as he did at EVERY social gathering.
-I have this odd impression to have seen a *similar* thing, in another story, not too long ago ? ...’My Little Alicorn’ ?
Also : Colonel Mustard, in the Library, by the Maid, with the chandelier.
>“Don’t act so surprised. I mean, just look at her. That’s her second slice of cake this evening. Clearly she’s been letting herself go.”
-Instinctive initial reaction : ‘’Oh Haha... *punch stallion*, what a funny pony you are.’’
>Celestia was not amused.
-*Insert ‘Celestia is not amused’ face* : http://tinyurl.com/notamusedcelestia
>Her nephew’s horn glowed as he levitated a full glass of mead in front of Celestia, an offering for a distraught goddess. “I brought your favorite.”
-Blueblood being ‘’good’’ and friendly ? It’s the apocalypse, isn’t it ?
>“No, it gets better. The playing cards then became a horde of savage marshmallow bunnies that ate each other in an orgy of sweet cannibalism.”
-Honestly, I think a good number of people, and ponies, would pay to watch that... at a safe distance, that is.
>“I had to eat my out the front door!”
-‘’my way out’’, maybe ?
>“Gluttony. Intoxication. Lust.” Celestia recited.
-Giving one per ‘Entity’... If Discord is related to food, thus ‘gluttony’... and Celestia drinking a lot of wine right now, thus probably ‘intoxication’... Then... This leave Luna with ‘lust’ ? ...mmh ?..
That must have been one pretty particular era.
>“We must seem so insignificant to you; a venerable mountain in the river of time.
-My ? How philosophical of you Blueblood... this contrasts a LOT with the ‘Gala Blueblood’..?
... and then we go from a story about Comedy and ‘Celestia having issues with her weight’ to... something ? Some sort of serious philosophical thing with a hint of minor-depression. What ? ...
-----
Well, still a rather funny and interesting chapter... though the more ‘’sober/serious’’ moment of the second half, clashed a little bit with the story(as a whole). Oh, it was quite interesting, don’t get me wrong, but it still ‘’looked’’ a bit odd compared to the rest.
What the heck ?
ReplyDeleteMy last post for CH.8 was deleted or something ? It's not there anymore ?
Well... Not sure how long it has been, since my previous comment suspiciously ''vanished''... but, anyway.
ReplyDelete-----
CH.9 :
>“The cake! You just strong-armed a royal employee for cheesecake! Have you no shame?” Hoplite scolded.
-Why, or rather *HOW* did this 'Lethe' became a 'Royal Guard' ? She had a family member in a high place or something ?
>Thwop-pop. Thwop-pop.
-What the hell are those... things?... sounds?... whatever they are supposed to be ?
... ... ...and then, through some mysterious and absolutely unknown mechanisms of the brain, after about 2-3minutes of staring at the words and while watching a let's play... Suddenly, I thought of the Simpsons episode with Mister Burns sneaking on the ceiling of Homer's kitchen...
>Mares love a stallion in uniform,” Lethe said with a wink. “I mean, why else do you think that Princess Celestia has you all!”
-The Princesses also hire female royal guards, in case she forgot... not that it really means anything.
>Hoplite followed her gaze to the ornate ceiling, and the alicorn mare there. The white princess gave an embarrassed grin down
-Thinking back... it was relatively funny.
>“Say, do you want my cheesecake? I’m really not that hungry.
>”Celestia screeched to a halt in mid-step. “Cheesecake? I want cheesecake!
>”ThwopthwopthwopthwopthwopTHWOPTHWOPTHWOPTHWOPTHWOPTHWOP!
-Well, now... this is getting a bit more funny. ;)
>once again giving the middle claw to physics, the Princess’s ethereal tail had become snagged within the filigree of a chandelier
-Huh... maybe her magic tail partially ''phased'' through the chandelier's surface, because she didn't have full control on it in her precipitation to get the cheesecake ?
-Science Woona, explain ! : http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m69aepWZZT1r757rdo1_1280.png
>Celestia grunted as she hefted the trio of pick axes above her head. She swung them into the niche of stone in front of her, showering her fur with a spray of stone shards.
-Now, Celestia is playing Minecraft. ;)
...are they diamond pickaxes ?
@Nova25
ReplyDelete>The past few minutes head been
-''had been'' (small error)
>The brazen Night Watch poked the goddess hard on her royal regalia. If Lethe had any sense of self-preservation, she wasn’t showing it.
-Again... how DID she became a royal guard ?
>proposed a training program to defend these buildings from ninjas, the undead, or any combination there with of.
>Luna was so impressed that she had granted the requested three million bits on the spot.
-Why am I in the impression that she just, accidentally, funded the 'Umbrella Corporation' ?
>Manage a million of them, and ponies can’t seem to handle the concept.
-Luna doesn't REALLY control the ''Suns'', the stars themselves, but rather allows their light to reach the space around the planet (and the Moon), which make them visible in the night sky. Important distinction.
>The title of it was “Fifty Cries of ‘Neigh'”, and Luna had found it while organizing (aka: snooping and stealing socks) in the back of her sister’s closet.
-Yay, socks !
Also... ''50 shades of grey'' reference, ye gods ! I heard that, even for 'what' the book is, it's terrible (like a train-wreck, kinda).
>then I’ll just have to outsmart them.”
>Standing before them, its plume scratching the top of the ceiling, was a giant wooden chicken.
-I think she's really rusty. That, or the lack of sugar is doing a number on her brain cells right now ?
>Lethe was not as easily impressed.
>“Eh. I’ve seen bigger.”
-Like..? She has seen bigger chicken, or bigger... huh... *cough* Forget it.
>Under mine watchful eye, thou were inducted into the ranks of the fabled Night Watch.
-Oh, so that's Luna's fault that Lethe is a royal guard(of the night).
>An honor not held in over a millenia!
-Well... she was kinda stuck on the moon for a millennia. That doesn't mean much, really.
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Well, that one was a great chapter. It had been a while, since I had read something that was truly ''entertaining''.