[Normal] [Noir]
Author: Mad Brochacho
Description: When Ponyville private investigator Anna Bride is hired by a wealthy fashionista to spy on a baker from old town, what seems at first like a routine smear job lands Bride in a tangle of deceit, lies, and murder.
On The Docks: Chapter 1
A hardboiled crime novella set in the magical world of Equestria.
On The Docks: Chapter 2
On The Docks: Chapter 3 (New!)
Additional Tags: Crime, Chandleresque , Noir, Hardboiled, First-person
34 comments:
Noir?
ReplyDeleteHmm... A new tag. It could be pretty awesome, but anyone else think thatOC is just Derpy in a suit?
ReplyDeleteWait I thought this was a derpy fic... That's not derpy?! Thats an OC? I've been lied to.
ReplyDeleteCan't usually stand crime dramas, think I'll have to pass on this one.
ReplyDeleteThe second the dame walked in I knew she was trouble, but trouble isn't a rarity in my line of work. Except for today, as I would soon find out.
ReplyDeleteDun dun dun ...
I'm really excited to read this.
I really did not expect to see that tag...Well ever in pony fic. Defiantly not a story I have seen before.
ReplyDeleteLovin' the Noir tag, especially the colouring
ReplyDelete[Noir] black backgrond tag. Fancy stuff, bro.
ReplyDeleteSo there's a tag for Crime Dramas now, awesome.
ReplyDeleteCustom tag? :squee:
ReplyDeleteBrochacho, I like it. I want to see how this turns out.
ReplyDelete~Ensign Rarity, from the EqD steam chat.
Noir tag is almost as good as the Legendary tag! Besides Kkat, who else scored one of those?
ReplyDeleteNoir tag is almost as good as the Legendary tag! Besides Kkat, who else scored one of those?
ReplyDeleteNew tag?
ReplyDeleteWHAT BLACK MAGIC IS THIS??
OMG NOIR TAG
ReplyDeleteNOOO! I just finished my detective pinkie pie story ch. 1
ReplyDeleteIf the Noir is anything like it is in Max Payne, I might enjoy this
ReplyDeleteI imagine this pony, lost in a world all her own while the world outside is utopia she can't believe it.
ReplyDeleteBride might be much more messed up than Paranoid Pinkie. :|
Just a note: this ain't marked grimdark for a reason; I'm tryin' my best to combine 1930s/1940s crime fiction with the tone and characters of the show. So, no ultraviolence, no melodrama, no DARK STREETS RUN SLICK WITH RAIN AND THE SUN WASN'T SHINING AND IT WAS RAINING AND THE DAME WAS DEAD ON THE CURB stuff.
ReplyDeleteI'm aiming more for The Big Sleep than, say, Max Payne.
Well, that is a point, Max Payne IS rather melodramatic...
ReplyDeleteWell, I'll still give it a shot, it seems interesting
Nothing against Max Payne, of course. It's an excellent game with a really strong, consistent style... just not quite the style I'm going for.
ReplyDeleteI read it, and I thought it was well written.
ReplyDeleteI am glad it won't be grimdark. Maybe Bird will make a friend? :D Here's hoping.
I getcha, don't worry
ReplyDeleteI'm liking the style, and I'm looking forward to happens next, good work
Oh look, a new tag!
ReplyDelete@Mad Brochacho
ReplyDeleteThen you, good sir, have guaranteed a read from me. Not immediately, because I'm afraid I don't have enough time at the moment, but I will definitely be reading this story.
Fantastic! Sweet new tag too.
ReplyDeleteSo, Brochacho...
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna request some R-34 Luna on this fic, or I won't read it.
Seeing as I do have a recently discovered penchant for noir stories (and seeing as I currently have one published on this site as a WiP), I must admit that I found myself a little bit disappointed with how you opened this fic. To be fair, the writing style is flawless noir: creative with descriptions while not overly florid, moody and mysterious, with just a dash of sarcasm to touch the whole thing off. However, in that flawlessness lies one of the two major problems I had with your story: there is such a thing as a story being too noir for its own good. By which I mean, the level to which this story fulfills the classic stereotypes of noir fiction is excessive almost to the point of being a bit on the silly side. I could've closed my eyes, gotten a generic definition of the setting and style of a noir story in my head, and gotten more or less exactly what I got reading the first chapter of this fic. I mean, Anna Bride is a fast-talking, trenchcoat-wearing mare of few words whose only concerns in life appear to be money and cigarette-smoking. Heck, I was honestly surprised she didn't call Rarity a "dame" before the chapter ended.
ReplyDeleteThat discussion of Bride is as good a segway as I'll ever get into the other problem I had with this story, which was, to put it simply, with your characterization. The nasty side effect of that generic noir-ness I was talking about before is a rather unfortunate lack of personality towards your main character; yes, I know she's the spitting image of a noir detective, but beyond that I know precisely nothing about her. There are no unique traits to her character, nothing that would make her stand out in a crowd...even her physical appearance makes her look like a wingless, straight-eyed version of Derpy.
And on the other side, your portrayal of Pinkie as what I can only describe as a closet psychopath is worrisome to me, but probably not for the reason you'd expect. Contrary to what I've gathered is the prevalent attitude in this fandom, I have no issue with the Mane 6 being corrupted into something darker than their canon selves; however, the key word in that sentence is "corrupted", which means that what I dotake issue with is when the Mane 6 are simply made to be darker without any advance warning, and thus without that necessary transitional period that turns it into something believable for me as the reader. Unless I have some kind of explanation as to why and how Pinkie changed from the happy-go-lucky pony we've known for nearly two seasons now, I can't begin to suspend my disbelief when I'm told in the first chapter that she draws bleeding cakes and balloons hanging from nooses in her diary. You may indeed have a rational explanation for it, but when you're dealing with fundamental changes in a canon character's personality, you can't expect us to wait around until it suddenly starts to make sense a few chapters in.
As I mentioned before, the fact that you have skill with writing is self-evident in how well you imitate the noir style. What concerns me, though, is that I don't see anything unique to you personally in that style, and beyond that, the issues with characterization really killed what enjoyment I could've gotten out of the prose alone. I can spare 3 1/2 stars purely for the writing and round it up to four to ken to the limits of this site, but I'm afraid I can't give it anything beyond that in its current state.
P.S. - Please don't take this review as me saying the story isn't worth continuing with. I meant what I said about you having talent, and to be honest the only reason I'm reviewing this so harshly is because I believe you're talented enough to take what I'm saying in stride and use it to improve in the future. There is absolutely potential for this story to be great; it just needs to step away from the imitative form of flattery a little bit, and be allowed to show off what makes it special within the genre it's based upon.
@Aquaman52
ReplyDeleteThanks for the review, man.
"By which I mean, the level to which this story fulfills the classic stereotypes of noir fiction is excessive almost to the point of being a bit on the silly side. I could've closed my eyes, gotten a generic definition of the setting and style of a noir story in my head, and gotten more or less exactly what I got reading the first chapter of this fic. I mean, Anna Bride is a fast-talking, trenchcoat-wearing mare of few words whose only concerns in life appear to be money and cigarette-smoking."
This was intentional, except for that last part, which I'm not really sure how to respond to other to ask if you've read chapter two as well. The idea was to set up Bride as an archetypical, tough "private eye" character, drop her into an alien setting (in this case, Ponyville), and show how this sort of character archetype would clash / grow / develop within a far more optimistic setting.
Now that I think about it, I suppose the trenchcoat / hat shit could be annoying to someone who has read a lot of 40s crime fiction, but I'm writing this assuming that most EQD readers don't share my (our?) interest. It's more of a shout-out than anything. For that matter, characters aren't beyond commenting on her outfit / manner of speech, and I'm deliberately avoiding "noirifying" everything for no reason.
"I was talking about before is a rather unfortunate lack of personality towards your main character; yes, I know she's the spitting image of a noir detective, but beyond that I know precisely nothing about her. There are no unique traits to her character, nothing that would make her stand out in a crowd...even her physical appearance makes her look like a wingless, straight-eyed version of Derpy."
Here I'm not quite sure if you're addressing a lack of personality traits or physical traits. If it's the former, I'll say that something like 70% of the story is examining what makes her tick. If it's the latter, I'd tell you some things, but they would be spoilers for the coming chapters. Abacus' vector, while great, is not the "definitive" picture of Bride. It's more of an interpretation that sticks to the show's art style.
"Unless I have some kind of explanation as to why and how Pinkie changed from the happy-go-lucky pony we've known for nearly two seasons now, I can't begin to suspend my disbelief when I'm told in the first chapter that she draws bleeding cakes and balloons hanging from nooses in her diary. You may indeed have a rational explanation for it, but when you're dealing with fundamental changes in a canon character's personality, you can't expect us to wait around until it suddenly starts to make sense a few chapters in."
Good point, thanks. I guess I've had the story in my head for a while and it didn't occur to me that people would take this scene at face value.
"There is absolutely potential for this story to be great; it just needs to step away from the imitative form of flattery a little bit, and be allowed to show off what makes it special within the genre it's based upon."
You should enjoy later chapters, then. I can't think of any other works of detective fiction about discovering the magic of friendship. Haha, it sure is frustrating to want to say, "Wait, it gets better!" This is a new feeling.
Anyway, thanks a lot for the review!
Noir tag is best tag. :3
ReplyDeleteI love my noir hardboiled.
ReplyDeleteSo somepony makes a fake Cupcakes diary for Pinkie Pie, leaves it where one of her friends will find it, perhaps anticipating that it would be turned in to the authorities. Why? Did Rarity create the diary, or perhaps even make up the whole story? If so, why? Why go to a PI at all instead of involving Twilight and the girls for an intervention. So many questions. I'll keep reading for now.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised your author name isn't Rainbow Dashell Hammett.
Apologies for the delay! I had to take a break from writing ponies due to real life business.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrrQn6s82cs
ReplyDeletethis is my reaction to the story