• Story: Inner Turmoil

    by


    [Grimdark]

    Author:     Freyera
    Description: Lyra, now living a peaceful life in Ponyville, must confront her past that's catching up to her.

    Inner Turmoil

    Additional Tags: Morality, Choice, Struggle, Mystery, Combat
    Tuesday, February 14, 2012 op
    Labels: , , , , , ,
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    21 comments:

    1. Rainbow DashFebruary 14, 2012 at 9:01 AM

      A grimdark Lyra story? I dont know what to do

      ReplyDelete
    2. Government-ManFebruary 14, 2012 at 9:22 AM

      @Alexstrazsa
      Wow
      I won't read it now that you told me to.

      ReplyDelete
    3. wackyponyFebruary 14, 2012 at 9:24 AM

      I'm reading words but this first paragraph is... what? move on with the story. <_<

      ReplyDelete
    4. Glowy PieFebruary 14, 2012 at 9:27 AM

      Simply grimdark?

      ReplyDelete
    5. S_E_FFebruary 14, 2012 at 9:40 AM

      This is interesting so far

      ReplyDelete
    6. ScizFebruary 14, 2012 at 10:14 AM

      This isn't a pony fanfic, it's something completely unrelated to the show that happens to borrow a name and some terminology.

      ReplyDelete
    7. The Wandering MagusFebruary 14, 2012 at 10:25 AM

      @Sciz

      ...I agree. I'm not sure what this is but it's almost just like someone wrote a story and used the replace function :/

      ReplyDelete
    8. NinestempestFebruary 14, 2012 at 10:27 AM

      @Sciz
      I'll drink to that.

      ReplyDelete
    9. JasonFebruary 14, 2012 at 10:36 AM

      >Reads first paragraph
      >Reads it again

      "So that pretty much came out to 'it was a sunny day with a light breeze.'"

      This prose is more purple than Twilight Sparkle.

      ReplyDelete
    10. ZKPonyFebruary 14, 2012 at 11:00 AM

      By reading every other paragraph, you get to the end much quicker, and nothing is lost. Waaaaaaaay too much description, and has nothing to do with pony. How did this get past the pre-readers?

      ReplyDelete
    11. AnonymousFebruary 14, 2012 at 11:04 AM

      Yeah, the writing couldn't get more purple if you spilled grape crush on it, then tried to wash it off with a bucket of purple dye.

      I honestly tried to read it, I could not penetrate its lilac veneer.

      ReplyDelete
    12. FinexiaFebruary 14, 2012 at 11:08 AM

      Grindmark? AGAIN?

      ReplyDelete
    13. SaddlesoapFebruary 14, 2012 at 11:26 AM

      Okay, these comments are starting to read like a running gag, but I can NOT help but agree with a few of them.

      I don't want to sound like a jerk, but this prose is heavy-hoofed enough to be almost impenetrable.

      It seriously hampers immersion to have to wade through 1,000 words of exceedingly thorough description before even the first line of dialogue.

      I would normally never suggest that somepony tone down their vocabulary - I worry about the future of English in the face of horrors like Twitter - but as the old ironic advice says:

      Eschew Obfuscation; Employ the Vernacular.

      ReplyDelete
    14. KyroneaFebruary 14, 2012 at 11:30 AM

      Wow. I took one look at it and found my desire to read slipping away almost instantly. There's a place for florid prose, but this is just ridiculous. I feel like I need to take a yellow bath or something to wash away all the purple.

      I'm sorry, I couldn't keep reading after the first couple of paragraphs. Because of that I'm not going to star-rate, since I didn't read enough to rate it fairly.

      ReplyDelete
    15. MazareFebruary 14, 2012 at 12:13 PM

      Just finished it and if you ask me it's an incredible piece of art. Who cares that there's a lot of description, it's still something that deserves a read.

      ReplyDelete
    16. DPV111February 14, 2012 at 12:21 PM

      A FiM fic is a fic based on or inspired by FiM. The fact alone that the main character is a pony makes it a FiM fic no matter how OOC or Alternate Universe the fic is otherwise. You don't need to like this type of fic (personally I prefer IC and close to canon universe fics) but don't say it's not a pony fic.

      ReplyDelete
    17. AnonymousFebruary 14, 2012 at 12:47 PM

      Boy, ppl weren't kidding w/ the Purple label. That first paragraph is Edward Bulwer-Lytton territory. Geez.

      ReplyDelete
    18. Wanderer DFebruary 14, 2012 at 12:53 PM

      I'm a fan of Samurai stories, I really got into it thanks to Lone Wolf and Cub, so I can appreciate what you're going for here, but I will also agree that the paragraphs are too obtuse, although I could imagine that the excessive description is completely intentional, perhaps to provide the ambiance you are seeing in your minds eye... there is such a thing as too much information, I'd tone it down a bit, especially if you don't want to lose readers.

      ReplyDelete
    19. jodyjm13February 14, 2012 at 1:00 PM

      @mycutiemarkisagun
      Why am I not surprised that you'd be the one to bring up Bulwer-Lytton? :)

      ReplyDelete
    20. AnonymousFebruary 14, 2012 at 1:15 PM

      I liked it, nice to see that the fanfic you made is up on EQD Frey. Keep up the good work.

      ReplyDelete
    21. Chocolate MilkFebruary 16, 2012 at 12:08 AM

      Overly verbose? Maybe a bit. BUT - that only brings it from five stars to four in my book, since the story is so compelling. Hemingway's overly verbose too. Very well done.

      PS: suggested soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ghx9kX0HKkc

      ReplyDelete

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