[Shipping] [Sad]
Author: Silverquill
Description: Trixie, recently having lost all her possessions during a certain Ponyville incident, manages to find a lucky job as a performer for Equestria's most anticipated holiday. While there, she discovers something precious to her survived her caravan's destruction... and is currently in the possession of a familiar face.
Now, Trixie's determined to retrieve what's rightfully hers. But little ... does she know that her attempts will set off a chain of events, leading to what could either be the greatest or the worst thing that's ever happened to her...
Festival (New Part 2!)
Additional Tags: Shipping, Festive, Sad sometimes, Some history, Magic
19 kommentaari:
"but little......does she know"
VastaKustutaWut?
Trixie!
VastaKustutaTHIRD? after 16 min the post was made? im suprised
VastaKustutaAnother Twixie fic? Yay! Added to reading list.
VastaKustuta@killingspreedom on a fanfic, that's just shameful to say something like that........
VastaKustutaOh my Celestia. The fic was just posted here and it already has 7 chapters. 2 of them being around 9000 words.
VastaKustutaI read the first three chapters, then bookmarked it, for now.
VastaKustutaThere are two complaints I have that made me stop reading what is otherwise a well-written story (for now). The problem is that one of them is petty, and the other unbearably vague, so they're not going to be very helpful.
One is Trixie's constant illeism, extending even to inner monologue. I can understand the reasoning behind it - with the Great and Powerful Trixie not being merely an adopted persona; problem is, the show tells me otherwise, with Trixie using the first person and dropping the boasting once the Ursa Minor appears. But okay, Trixie has appeared in tons of fanfictions using tons of interpretations, I can deal with this one. That was the petty complaint.
The second complaint would be that chapter three just didn't impress me much. It feels like Trixie's beef with Applejack and Rarity is completely settled after barely entering the equation, leaving Rainbow Dash as the sole source of Boast Busters-related conflict. That's probably fine, since the fic is going to provide conflict in other ways. What did irk me is Applejack's "treat her right ya hear" talk. It makes the goal of Twilight's efforts rather obvious to anypony (Trixie too, if she didn't suffer from obligatory love interest obliviousness), and more importantly, it implies that Twixie coming to be is a foregone conclusion. Which it is, but... Is Applejack supposed to know that? After barely meeting her, to boot?
Pinkie Pie was quite well done. Rainbow Dash is apparently going to be "the difficult one", and that's okay, I guess? Her personality would make her slow to trust somepony she knows is no good. Fluttershy, can't tell yet. As for Applejack and Rarity, that fight was petty even for them, and Rarity hurling needles is hard to believe. Applejack seeing reason after Trixie moved her stand - which was not a compromise at all - is something I can sort of get behind, though. Not so much her being as seemingly fine with Twilight's curious choice of mares as she appeared. Twilight herself? Nothing really remarkable about her yet. Well, she's inexplicably attracted to Trixie, but that's the modus operandi for what is quite sure to be a Twixie story. Spike might just as well not have been there at all.
There's got to be more to this story, so chances are good I will be reading the rest at some point.
Do not think of this as any sort of final opinion on the story. I do generally want to be much farther in to do that sort of thing. It's a snapshot of my current thoughts after reading the first three chapters, nothing more and nothing less. For all I know, there could be a major curveball thrown my way and the whole thing actually ends up Trixipie. Which I think I haven't seen yet, so that'd be interesting.
Glad to see this up on EqD, and in much better shape then when I took a look at it.
VastaKustuta(I'm the guy that reviewed in the Training Grounds thread a few weeks back, in case you're wondering.)
minor point, but also still has some grammatical errors, especially regarding commas, quotations, and capitalizations
VastaKustuta@Silfir
VastaKustutaadressing the second problem, i think that twilight already told her friends about her feelings for trixie, because all the mane six seem to know about it.
i agree that twilight isnt very interesting in this fic, she needs to be way more dorky and awkward.
those things aside i think this is a pretty fun read, i finished all the seven chapters and im waiting for more
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaThere is potential here for a very good story, and I think you're an author to watch. After reading, I have some comments that might help you to improve this and future stories. I hope they prove insightful.
VastaKustuta1) I love, love, love the moments when you're yanking on the emotional chains of your characters. You clearly grasp that in a shipping tale, putting them through the wringer with issues, confusion, and (mis)interpretation is the meat of the story. As soon as one personal conflict is resolved, another begins. There's always a conflict. Well done, here.
2) I didn't care for your reintroduction of Discord and the body-switching element. These are the plot hooks around which entire fics should be based. The scenario only seems intended, though, to show Trixie that the two mains care for each other. There are myriad plot devices that accomplish this without dealing with disaster-level events as mere backdrop. In shipping fics, the focus should always be centered around the evolving relationship. All the plot should serve this goal in some way, not distract from it.
3) The pacing needs a little work. While one conflict or another is always pleasingly present, each conflict that closes a chapter seems resolved with one step before the halfway point of the next chapter is reached. The body-switch was an especially notable offender. Instead, try stretching out the conflicts. Throw up roadblocks. Throw complications into the characters' plans. Make them agonize over it for 2-3 chapters before resolving in an emotion-laden scene. Overlap them; have the chars wrestle with a solution to one issue even as they're striving to fix another one.
4) I'd feel better about the romance if I knew more about why Twi likes Trixie and vice versa. While attraction is not a choice and is rarely a logic-based thing, there's always some element of their personalities that appeals to the other. Find/invent it and explore it so we can feel the attraction the character feels by proxy. Bonus points if the other is filling some emotional need caused by a lack in the char's history.
5) I really like the keep-away you're playing with the contents of the letter to Celestia. I know exactly what's in it, it will come as no surprise whatsoever, but it's still sweet, tooth-grinding agony watching Trixie come so close - not once, but twice! - to reading its Watershed Moment contents. Dammit, you're just teasing the reader... more of that, please! You do it really well, and considering that 90% of great shipping stories are about teasing us with what -could- be, that's a great strength to have. Keep coming up with plot devices and anticipated emotional reactions with which to tease us, and then give each a payoff at the right moment. It will be -delicious-.
Hope these help! Looking forward to MOAR.
At last I found time to finish this story. I really like the overall idea of long magical carnival as a stage for main events. It's a very refreshing concept and it definitely feels like a great change from usual "Trixie returns to Ponyville to seek revenge" or "Twilight realises her feelings and goes on a search for Trixie" fics.
VastaKustutaHowever, I think at several moments plot devices became too obvious. For example: Trixie finding festival flyer in the middle of Everfree forest and food arrangements that just scream 'an excuse for a date'. I understand these events are needed for the plot to progress, but some in-story justification would help improving the integrity.
About your character interpretation. I felt it was out of character for Twilight to wear Trixie's trademark hat and cloak. She had no reason to do it (not to say it was really rude). I think Twi would never do such thing even if her judgement was clouded by romantic feelings.
Trixie is portrayed as someone who is desperately wants friends, but does not know how to make them. When she befriends Mane 6, she is ready to go to great lengths not to lose them. I can agree with such characterisation if not for the fact that Trixie changes from her usual obnoxious self feel to rushed at times. It became especially noticeable in a scene where she rushes to apologize to Mane 6 for what was a reasonable reaction in after-performance scene. Make her previous outburst harsher so she would have something real to apologize for, otherwise it's too OOC.
I could have easily overlooked the previous issues and called it a great fic if not the biggest problem I have with this story: pacing. I would like to see more expanded description of Trixie's shows. That's her pride and special talent, why not give them a bit more focus? The hiring of Trixie also seemed too rushed. One can assume that at least some kind of demonstration would be required for a job of a high profile performer, so either expand this scene or skip the dialogue with the management entirely.
To be completely honest, "Day 7 (part 1)" chapter is a total clusterfuck. It starts with a usual slice of life and light romance stuff that is in line with your previous chapters and is basically what reader expects from the story at this moment.
But then we got hear an extremely long piece of Luna/Celestia backstory. Look, I love Equestrian history as much as the next pony, but it was completely of out context of the main story and way, way, WAY too long. Plus, narrative switch to the inner layer was unnecessary IMO. Keep it within a context of the frame story and describe the magic show made by Celestia and Luna as seen by Mane 6 and Trixie instead of switching viewpoint.
And then SUDDENLY a wild Discord appears. You cannot just pull a major antagonist out of nowhere, without any previous hinting, foreshadowing and an extremely good reason. Especially an antagonist that has already been defeated. That's not how storytelling works. Then again, reducing Chaos God to a plot device for body switching felt just too cheap.
Please, take no offense in my criticism. It's a good story, but it has a potential for improvement in future chapters so it can become really great (and powerful).
......I think all the serious people who give good stories three or four stars got together and collectively voted four stars on this story.
VastaKustutaI reviewed and proofread this after it got rejected the first time Silverquill submitted it.
VastaKustutaI'm so proud.
;_;
Good job Silverquill. ED is a high place to have you're work. I hope the rumors aren't true about you dropping this story. I don't have the confidence to put my work here or anywhere really.
VastaKustutaGood job Silverquill. ED is a high place to have you're work. I hope the rumors aren't true about you dropping this story. I don't have the confidence to put my work here or anywhere really.
VastaKustutaEpic!
VastaKustutaChapter 2 updated? This thing's got ten chapters right now.
VastaKustuta