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Author: Sereg
Description: As a descendant of the greatest conjurer of the pre-classical era, Star Swirl wishes to live up to her namesake’s reputation and their shared cutie mark. But how can she emulate a powerful unicorn when she is an earth pony? Taking the advice of her psychologist, she heads off to Ponyville to try and find out.
An Earth Pony's Guide to Magic
More than Forty Blinks
Star Swirl and Stripes Forever
A Debt to the Stars (New Part 9!)
Additional Tags: SCIENCE!, Mild angst, Self-discovery, fanfillying
58 kommentaari:
SCIENCE!!!!
VastaKustutasounds interesting i'll definetly be reading this
VastaKustutaAn earth pony trying to tap into magic. This looks like it's going to be one wild ride for this pony.
VastaKustutaFOR SCIENCE!
VastaKustutaMythbusters comes to mind somehow...
I'm interested to see how this turns out. I also kinda want to know how a earth pony got a magic cutie mark.
VastaKustutaEverypony is so nice on this site, I've never seen an article get less than 4 stars unless it's some kind of bad news. This story already has two five star ratings and it was just posted! It seems the real feedback is in the increments between 4 and 5 stars.
VastaKustutaI love this concept. Will read soon.
VastaKustuta@ Hat
VastaKustutaIt's because of the pre-readers. To be posted at all, it has to make it through them. So really, our job is a matter of rating just how good it is.
This kind of story have lots of potential
VastaKustutaGreat concept, well-written, and- wait.
VastaKustuta"she heads off to Ponyville"
....
"she heads off to Ponyville"
ಠ_ಠ
PONYVILLE IS ONLY SEVERAL DECADES OLD AS PER GRANNY SMITH SEPIA FLASHBACK, CONTINUITY ERROR, CONTINUITY ERROR, 0 STARS, TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
mycutiemarkisagun, this doesn't take place in the past. She is NOT Star Swirl the Bearded. She's his descendant.
VastaKustuta@ mycutiemarkisagun
VastaKustutaWell, it says decedent of Star Swirl, and in Winter Wrap Up Twilight said Ponyville was settled hundreds of years ago (G. Smith looks good for her age...).
@Sereg
VastaKustuta@The Cyan Flash
TOO LATE, I CAN'T DIAL BACK THE NITPICK RAGE GRRRRRRRR
@mycutiemarkisagun
VastaKustutaNot funny, not cool.
That pic. Kenny Rogers pony?
VastaKustutaYou can't give a fic 0 stars anyways. The lowest star rating that can be given is a one.
VastaKustutaThis story seems like it has a good premise, but can I offer a bit of constructive criticism? I feel like we don't really know enough about Star Swirl herself. We need to get inside her head more. Example: Sugarcube Corner is simply described as "a building" here. It's a pretty unique building; what is Star Swirl's reaction to it? I feel like a bit more description of the world through her eyes would help.
VastaKustutajust finished reading it and it's good but i think you could use some sort of proofreader as i noticed a few grammar and spelling errors
VastaKustuta@Zumikaku: Criticism is appreciated. I must admit that setting description is one of my weaker areas. I'll bear that in mind.
VastaKustuta@pyroguy108: Really? I suppose that some are always going to slip through. Some were fixed when I showed the earlier drafts over at TVTropes, but a proofreader would be appreciated.
VastaKustutaStar Swirl The Hundred Forty Seventh is adorable, I can wait to see the next chapter. :D
VastaKustutaHmm. The description is intriguing enough with a potential for both hilarity and the zaniness that the show often embodies. However, as soon as I began reading, I noticed quite a few things that make me somewhat wary of continuing past this chapter.
VastaKustutaFirst of all, I feel like I don't really know this Star Swirl pony. We're only briefly given a history of her being a zealot in her pursuit to find the meaning of her cutie mark as an Earth Pony. Perhaps elaboration would be better served, though this can also come with time over the course of several chapters.
Still, getting inside the mind of a character we're reading about is always a sure fire way to establish a connection with the story. Give us some more description through her eyes; right now it just feels like we're watching from afar, not really connecting with any particular character.
As a result of this, there is also the problem of the sudden scene changes. Since we cannot see the scene change as we could when watching the show, it is important to let us know when the scene changes. At one point, we were with Star and her psychiatrist and the next thing I know, she's on a train. It didn't feel like there was any sense of disbelief that draws me out of the story to figure exactly where things are taking place.
My advice is to slow down and smell the roses, as 'twere. Describe where your character is, give us something interesting to read in order to build the setting in our head. Let us get to know Star beyond her surface fan girl personality. I want to know her, to see the world through her eyes, and enjoy a story expertly crafted enough to let me envision the events taking place.
Everything is simply happening to fast, in my opinion. We're introduced to two of the mane 6 in a whirlwind. The scenes change without warning, and I don't know who Star is. These are my problems.
For an example of what I'm looking for, there is the small moment with Carrot Top, where you actually seemed to slow yourself down and talk with a pony, adding a joke and allowing us to somewhat see what's going on. It almost felt the perfect pace, but then we were whisked onward.
Take my advice or leave it, but whatever you choose, keep writing. There is no way to get better if you don't keep doing something, after all! :)
Insisting on knowing everypony by their generation and the age of their name is a little peculiar. It's giving me a vibe of 'obsessive historian w/ bonus eidetic memory'. Perhaps the kind of pony who might forget a face but would never forget a lineage, and definitely the kind of pony who studies genealogy for fun.
VastaKustutaThe dialogue gives the character a solid (if unusual) characterization, but I agree with the comment that the environment does need to be described a little more. There's plenty of situational focus, but unless Star Swirl is supposed to be setting-blind, she ought to be reacting to her environment more. Sugarcube Corner really is a pretty unique structure!
(If she is supposed to be setting-blind, take steps to establish the trait. Misplacing objects and failing to notice changes in her environment would fit.)
Thanks for the advice. I think that part of the problem is that I lost my scene breaks when I imported into FF.net (Why does it hate formtting so much!?). I'll put those back.
VastaKustutaStar Swirl does have a good memory and is pretty obsessive about certain things.
@Derpmind
VastaKustutaFacepalm.
@Derpmind
VastaKustutaYou're right. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.
*hug*
Enjoying the premise for this. Those are some pretty big shoes to fill and not being a unicorn is definitely not helping her case.
VastaKustutaI love the idea beyond this story. The main character is quite interesting, a pony with academic background and familiar with Canterlot society. Would she offer some us insight into the life of her famous ancestor that is unknown to outsiders? I'm curious to see how Ponyville atmosphere and interaction with more casual ponies will affect her in future.
VastaKustutaThe existence of laws forbidding conversion between pony races is an interesting point. It suggests that such things are technically possible and somepony did try it in the past with less than stellar results. Maybe it was the original Star Swirl (the second)?
The first chapter was an enjoyable read, looking forward to next ones.
I like it but yet something about it bugs me, as if the story is trying to go faster by putting its stomach up forward. Or something.
VastaKustuta@Melodia
VastaKustutaAgain. Another common problem that I have. Trying to rush to certain plot points. I'll bear that in mind for future chapters.
Thanks everyone for the warm recepton. My internet access will probably soon be reduced a bit, but the second chapter WILL get to you once it's written, editted and I have the oppertunity to submit it.
Heh. I like the story so far. Charactors are good. Story concept is good. Can't really think of anything really bad.
VastaKustutaNot a bad start. It does feel a little bland at certain point though. Pinkie Pie's initial conversation with Star Swirl felt kind of stock, I'd have expected more of a unique reaction and Star Swirl does gush about the main six a bit much.
VastaKustutaBut it's a good start and I look forward to seeing how you choose to proceed with it.
I liked second chapter. Star Swirl was too fast to fall into despair at one point, but otherwise her studies are progressing well (ignoring several minor setbacks) and she got to meet interesting ponies and zebra.
VastaKustutaAt last someone explained Twilight how unscientific were her attempts to research Pinkie Sense.
Keep up the good work! I'm looking forward to next part of the story.
There's one element in the first chapter that I just couldn't get past; it killed any interest I had in reading further.
VastaKustutaDr. Drop classifies Star Swirl as an "earth-to-unicorn transmorphist" in a clear allusion to real-world transsexuality. Immediately after that, it's said that permanently changing pony type is against the law, with Celestia herself denying Star Swirl's request. If you reverse the analogy to transsexualism, that has... very unfortunate implications; particularly given that the denial is backed by a character of such unimpeachable moral standing as Princess Celestia.
To make matters worse, it doesn't even play a significant role in the story. Star Swirl's desire to become a unicorn is barely alluded to throughout the remainder of the first two chapters, in fact the story seems to be developing along a path of her discovering her talents as an earth pony and abandoning this desire.
I'm simply baffled as to what purpose there is in including a story element that can so easily cause profound offense to people who are sensitive to this issue, when it is wholly unnecessary to the development of the plot, and appears to actually be counter-productive in defining the character of Star Swirl.
@Confusion
VastaKustutaI'm sorry for any offense caused. That was certainly not my intention. I admit that I drew on transexuality a bit for that, but it's not meant to be the same. I'm not trying to give any anti-transexuality message. If my mesage is anything, it's "be yourself" in the same way that many episodes of the show have been. If anything, it's more anti-racism towards oneself. I did find it useful for the story that I'm trying to tell though. Star Swirl hasn't accepted who she is and this story is about her learning to do so. It's also about her learning that she doen't have to be exactly like her ancestral role model. The fact that she wants to be a unicorn despite the fact that being an earth pony works perfectly well for her calling in life (which she hasn't accepted yet) is part of that.
@Confusion
VastaKustutaA single similar term does not suddenly make the scene anti-transexual. Especially when a closer analogy would be race to race transformation.
Star Swirl wanting to become a unicorn is an important character point in that it shows just how far into despair she has fallen over being unable to understand the meaning of her cutie mark. She's essentially wishing she could be somepony else (namely, that she would rather be exactly like her ancestor).
She's going about it all wrong because she has a narrow minded view of what magic is. Instead of trying to fully understand and make an informed decision, she tried to take the easy way out and change herself to fit with just the magic she was familiar with and her vision of Star Swirl The Bearded.
If we go back to the flawed transexual analogy (and understand this will be rough due to the misfit), this would be the equivalent of a man saying he wants to become a woman just for the breasts, instead of researching and understanding what it means to be a man and what it measn to be a woman and THEN deciding he should actually be a she.
@Kuroi Tsubasa Tenshi
VastaKustutaThanks Kuroi. This is exactly the kind of thing I'm going for.
Or as another poster on another thread put it, it's more like having a famous sprinter for a grandfather and then being upset that you don't have a body type suited to being an amazing sprinter.
@Kuroi Tsubasa Tenshi
VastaKustutaI agree that it makes perfect sense for Star Swirl to think all her problems would be solved if she were a unicorn. I also agree that a single similar term does not make the scene anti-transsexual. It does, however, put the condition of "transmorphism" in the context of being analogous to transsexualism in which case the rest of the story becomes very problematic. It's perfectly possible to write a story that plays on this analogy in a non-offensive way (and I would like to read such a story, actually) but one needs to be aware of the context of how trans people have been treated and are treated in the real world.
For example, your example of the "man saying he wants to become a woman just for the breasts" is a good illustration of this. That is the reversed analogy I thought of, and it is problematic for the following reason: Even though such "false transsexuals" don't appear to exist in any meaningful sense, the possibility of these hypothetical people possibly harming themselves by attempting to transition was used (and sometimes still is) to deny many real transsexuals necessary treatment.
Making changing pony type illegal, rather than just impossible (it being illegal actually implies that it's relatively easy, otherwise you wouldn't need to make a law against it)along with the fact that this condition is common enough to have a name implies that there is a minority of ponies who are requesting this and being denied. Reversing the analogy, in many places in the real world changing gender is in fact illegal, and this drives many transsexuals in such places to suicide. (They also tend to be murdered for being trans at an even higher rate than usual there.)
The combination of these elements (which are actually counterproductive in developing the theme of the story) implies the existence of a minority of ponies suffering from depression and suicide, and probably not insignificant harassment and bigotry, given that laws were passed against them. And then has Princess Celestia, the most unfailingly moral character in the setting express her approval of it.
I was not expecting that from a non-grimdark fic.
@Confusion
VastaKustutaI disagree that the law would have to make because the process would be easy. It could simply be dangerous. Consider that Star Swirl had to go the two goddess tier ponies in Equestria for her request. It's perfectly possible some unicorn off the street that thinks he/she is hot stuff could go ahead and offer to try something like this and then have it backfire and end up with Star Swirl the Frog or Star Swirl the Buried Six Feet Deep. And let's be honest here, if it WERE easy enough for some joe unicorn off the street to do as such, Star Swirl could probably have run off to some back alley dealer, get it done and have nopony be the wiser, instead of going to the biggest authority in the country and asking to her face to make an exception to a law.
If we're going to speculate like this, I'd say it'd be more likely an "easy to think you're good enough to try, with results that range from unexpected to dangerous" scenario for making the law (especially considering how often Twilight, #3 magical power in Equestria and student of magic all her life, has her magic fail or backfire, nevermind somepony else off the street).
Going from there, it doesn't necessarily imply that such a group exists in Equestria. The law could have come about from say somepony deciding to try to research the spell for the sake of knowledge with the results I mentioned above. Just because Earth has it, doesn't mean Equestria has to have some sort of contrived parallel.
@Kuroi Tsubasa Tenshi
VastaKustutaI perhaps should have rated it "possible/feasible" rather than "relatively easy." My point was that you don't generally legislate against things that are impossible. (Except, sometimes, in the case of an irrational moral panic, e.g. anti-witchcraft laws.)
But that was tangential to my whole point, anyway.
The implication that such a group exists comes more from the fact that they have a specific name; and I'm not saying that such an oppressed group necessarily exists, but that its existence is implied by the elements I mentioned, once you put them in the context of the real history of the treatment of transsexualism. Most readers will not be aware of this context, and I believe that Sereg was not either. Which is why I decided to speak up about it. I don't believe that Sereg intended to cause offense by including these elements, but I wanted to make them aware that they had inadvertently do so.
Hmmm It appears quite the hint on Star's talent was dropped in chapter 2. Definitely continuing
VastaKustuta@Confusion
VastaKustutaI'll be honest and admit that I did consider just saying that it was impossible but decided that I could mess with Star Swirl's head more effectively with what I wen with here.
Specifically, Star Swirl THINKS it's possible and has even tried before herself. Like everypony else, he hasn't managed. Whether or not it is possible is irrelevant to the story, but the princesses know that if they try and succeed, try and fail or outright say that they can't do it, it'll cause very messy political issues that they don't want to deal with.
As for your problem with the existance of ponies with far better reasons than Star Swirl to be transmorphists, you have a pont that they probably exist, but they'd presumably have their own psychologist helping them deal with any trauma that they recieve. Due to the mental instability of the show's canon characters, I don't think that it would be beyond the ability of the psychologists to at least aid them in dealing with any trauma they experience with this condition. As for how dark this is, personally, I find the canon existence of Screw Loose who thinks that she's a dog to be far darker.
I'll be honst and admit that you're right that I don't know much about the trauma tht transexuals have had to go through in the past (and still do), but remember that Equestria is generally more tolerant than Earth.
@Sereg
VastaKustutaI just wanted to let you know that drawing a parallel to transsexuality that clearly and then having it not carry through into the rest of the story makes it read like that bit is only there to express an opinion about transsexuality. (Namely, that it should be illegal to transition.)
@Confusion
VastaKustutaWell, as I said, I never intended to give that impression. It's just there to illustrate the fact that she's trying to become a unicorn while explaining why she hasn't managed yet.
All that aside, I think I enjoyed the second chapter more...it flowed much better. And I love her characterization, it's pretty unique.
VastaKustutaI think this story will be great cant wait for more updates!
VastaKustutaPinkie with a good and pretty healthy relationship with her family? Not something you see too often. It's a nice change.
VastaKustutaIt's good to see Star Swirl has some success in her studies at last. And as Melodia said, happy Pie family is a rare, but welcome sight.
VastaKustutaNice fic, I like how you go out and cement the fact that earth ponies have magic with the plant-growing stunt. I'm eager to see more. Although I'm starting to doubt that Star's talent is magic, it might be more related to history and recording one's family tree.
VastaKustutaI'm liking the exposition and the progression, especially Star's success at sensing magic, but this fic's starting to sound a little…dry? Not sure how to go about fixing that though.
VastaKustuta@metapsionic
VastaKustutaSorry about the dryness. Possibly a result of being told from Star Swirl's point of view. She's very academic. But hopefully that stops being a problem.
Also, for those interested, this fic is now also available on fimfiction.
Just finished chapter 1:
VastaKustutaLoving thuis so far! the characterization is great. Particularly with Star Swirl. She's quite an endearing mare. :D
Very interesting setup for a fic. Looking forward to seeing how this goes!
Just finished chapter 3:
VastaKustutaThat section about how Pinkie Pie does what she does was incredible facinating! It sounded like something straight out of a really well-written sci-fi movie.
Again, absolutely facinating!
@statoose
VastaKustutaGlad that you're enjoying it so far. Hope the same applies to chapter 4 and that it doesn't take me as long to update agan.
I'm glad this won't turn into a Doctor Who crossover. I just hope it doesn't get into any weird time-travel-y stuff.
VastaKustutaI love the idea of Twilight Velvet being a foal's auther. That just strikes me as a perfect characterization for her. Same with Celestia ennobling her. Your headcanon is fantastic, and I gladly welcome it as my own.
@statoose Well, there is SOME time travelly stuff, but hopefully that won't scare you off as I've tried to keep it to what we've seen in the show already.
VastaKustutaHello again,
VastaKustutaI've read chapter 4 and 5, but I couldn't finish all the way to chapter 6. There's just too much dialog, so much talking, and not much happening at all.
I'm glad you shared your fic, but it's just not for me. Best of luck for your future fics!
This looks like quite an interesting story, and I'm looking forward to reading it.
VastaKustuta