Equestria Inquirer Issue #21

Time for the issue of Equestrian Inquirer that's finally able to drink!

You can find the full text after the break, the Youtube link here, and the author's DA page here.


Issue #21

A SPECIAL INTERVIEW WITH DISCORD

WHERE HE TURNS OUR SATELLITE DISH INTO A SANDWICH

By Joe Stevens

            Please note that we tried to get Princess Luna but Discord hijacked our audio feed.          

Joe Stevens: Fillies and gentlecolts, please welcome the lord of chaos and one time near destruction of all that is good within the land of Equestria, Discord.

Discord: “Fabulous to be here, Mr. Stevens, simply wonderful. Although I don’t appreciate that hastily derogative introduction.”

Discord, may I remind you that you unleashed thousands of flesh-eating squirrels on the Equestria Inquirer offices when you last escaped?

“And may I remind you it was also I who caused all those squirrels to spontaneously combust.”

I’m still trying to get over it.

“Muahah. A tidal wave of cute little squirrels with gnashing teeth and beady little eyes. And then poof they explode! And all the pieces turn into jelly beans – oh what fun that was!”

It was not fun.

“Oh you don’t like jelly beans? Everyone likes jelly beans, Joe Stevens, don’t even try to deny it.”

That’s not the point. Now. Despite the fact that you’ve caused me more property damage than Scootaloo. By the way, was it Scootaloo that allowed you to escape?

“No, I think all the Cutie Mark Crusaders are to thank for that.”

Darn, I really wanted to blame her for that. Either way, despite you blowing up my offices, twice, I shall maintain my journalistic integrity and conduct this interview in a proper manner.

“Proper is no manner to do anything at all. I prefer an improper interview. How about we do this in outer space? I know a nice mountain on the surface of Mars – you’ll love it and I assure you that you’re at no risk of asphyxiation. Muahaha.”

First of all, Discord, what have you been up to since being encased in stone?

“The air on Mars smells like coconut, did you know that, Joe?”

I did not. Back to the question, please. The world wants to know, Discord, what have you been up to since being once more imprisoned as a stone statue and, on another note, how is it that you’re conducting this interview?

“Well of course I’ve been so incredibly busy lately it’s astonishing I could make it to this interview at all. No, I’ve had a wonderful time being encased in stone. It allows me to kick back and relax, expressing my feelings through the art of song and posting lols on memebase. And of course breaking through barriers of interdimensional travel. Did you know that there is a planet made entirely of cheese? Well it wasn’t cheese before – I just thought it’d be fun to make it into cheese.”

Hold on, are you implying that you are not fully imprisoned?

“That’s correct, Joe.”

But how is that possible? The Elements of Harmony sealed you away!

“Oh come now Joe, you don’t expect mua to allow himself to be sealed away entirely? The elements of Harmony are like little pieces of candy. In fact the element of Loyalty tastes exactly like ginger ale. I always thought that was funny. You would think the element of Loyalty would taste like cherry or red licorice or something.”

So why is it that you are now a statue?

“Huhhh, I must admit that I get bored being cooped up and imprisoned. It takes a few thousand years, don’t get me wrong, but one does get bored. So every once in a while I break out and spread the world with chaos. Of course I do tend to be a little too exuberant. In the end even a constant flow of chocolate rainclouds and buffalo ballerinas can get utterly dull.”

You do understand, Discord, there are a lot of viewers out there wondering why it was you allowed the Elements to be found. I’m not one of them of course, you have no idea how hard it is to walk on that slippery soap floor.

“I know, isn’t it wonderful! I gave you a ten for effort, Joe, but you really needed to learn to pirouette. Grace is all in the thighs not in the toes and posture in the hips.”

Duly noted. But why is it, Discord, that you placed the Elements, the one thing that could imprison you, in such a relatively easy place to find? It’s almost like you wanted to be stopped.

“That’s because I did!”

Come again?

“I wanted to be stopped! As I said, limitless chaos in the end is nothing. Chaos must have order to truly matter, otherwise it’s just a bunch of cotton candy clouds in a sea of exploding squirrels.”

Why do you have to keep bringing that up?

“Chaos and order without one another are the same thing, utterly dull. That’s why they both must exist. Why, what would the world be if Celestia were able to rule in complete peace and harmony?”

Free of exploding squirrels?

“Yes, and how much fun is that?”

It would keep my insurance premiums lower.

“Insurance is for the weak, Joe Stevens, that’s life lesson number forty eight. Forty seven is never use parsley as a garnish.”

So are you saying that Princess Celestia allows you to retain power?

“Allows has nothing to do with it. Celestia needs me. The world needs me. Much as chaos needs order, order needs chaos. That is the definition of harmony, Joe. Why, what would the world be without chaos? What would harmony be without Discord? What would the world be without Discord? What would Equestria be? What would we sing for with nothing to weep for, and nothing to face harmony? It’s simple, you see, that peace cannot be! Unchallenged order leads to unbroken chains and in perfect chaos only anarchy reins so a balance is true harmony! What would the world be! We could not be free. What would the world be, without me. Muahahahah!”

Deeply disturbing and horrendously enlightening at the same time.

“I do try.”

Yes, well, in other news our satellite dish has now transformed into a sentient sandwich so we should probably sign off while we still can.

NEW SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY ABOUT ZAP APPLES

By Freddy Baxter

            Scientists have discovered that zap apples, when combined with highly combustible materials, have the same reaction as regular apples. They explode. The Cutie Mark Crusaders taught us that lesson the hard way, but our building has never looked tastier.

Mares in a Minute

Techrat’s Column

SOARIN’ LEAVES WONDERBOLTS AND BECOMES COMPETITIVE EATER

By TechRat

Yesterday the Wonderbolts held a press conference to discuss Soarin's recent, shocking announcement that he was leaving the world-famous aerial acrobatics team and joining the Equestrian Federation of Competitive Eating. In attendance were Spitfire and an obviously content, though somewhat LARGER Soarin'. EQI was there to get all the tasty details.

"The rumors are true!" Soarin' exclaimed, "I'm trading the boundless skies for apple pies, my speedy wings for onion rings, my cunning stunts for ..."

"Get comfy, everypony," Spitfire sighed, "He's got about thirty of these."

About five minutes later Soarin' seemed to run out of rhyming food words, and Spitfire continued, "He's always been somewhat preoccupied with eating. I remember once we were performing and he nearly broke formation because we were flying past a SubHay."

"Hey!" Soarin' interrupted, "In my defense, they have 5-bit hoof-longs! Have you tried one of those things? Mmmmmmm....hoooof-looong....."

Spitfire rolled her eyes, "Stop drooling, Soarin'."

"Sorry," he replied, wiping his mouth with his hoof before continuing, "It's been difficult because I've always loved to eat, but you have to be on a rather strict diet as part of the Wonderbolt training regimen. But then, at last year's Grand Galloping Gala, I dove face-first into the most delicious apple pie I've ever tasted...."

"Ooo! Oooo!" yelled someone in the crowd, "I'm the one who saved that pie! That was me! ME!!!"

Spitfire, looking slightly annoyed, responded, "We know, Miss Dash. WE KNOW."

Soarin' resumed, "....and at that moment I knew I had found a new calling: to leave the world of flight and enter the world of bite!"

Soarin’ noted that he had already been in a few eating competitions, and was doing very well. "I took second place at Hayseed Harry's Happy Hayfry Hoedown, and actually won the Iron Gullet competition in Fillydelphia. They're calling me 'The Fearsome Feedbag: Conqueror of Consumables!' And I'm currently training for the biggest competitive eating event in Equestria: the 'You're Shoving WHAT In Your Mouth?' championships."

Although he admitted that most of his time will now be consumed (get it?) by his new career, he's not planning on abandoning the Wonderbolts completely. "I'll still be doing appearances with the group, signing autographs and such," he said, "and I'll be keeping my Wonderbolts costume, though it had to be let out a little bit..."

"A LITTLE BIT???" yelled Rarity from the crowd, "I used up two entire rolls of material refitting that outfit for you!"

And despite no longer being involved in racing or doing competitive shows, Soarin' hasn't ruled out the possibility of returning for an occasional exhibition performance. "Although," Spitfire pointed out, "I think we'd have to tie some balloons around him and drag him behind us."

Soarin' ended the press conference with some reassuring words for all of his fans, "Yes, I know all of you will miss marveling at my amazing feats of aerial dexterity, but now you can all marvel at my amazing feats of mastication!....

“....Hey, what are you all giggling about?"

Gumshoe’s Corner

EI Muckraker Section

CELESTIA BANS FULLY GROWN DRAGONS FROM 2012 WINTER WRAP-UP

By Gumshoe

The word is in, Ponyville, and it seems that Princess Celestia is going to forbid the use of fully grown dragons from assisting in this year’s Winter Wrap-Up. We all remember two years ago when giant red dragons, tasked with melting snow, were what made the Winter Wrap-Up so terrible. Their fiery breath may have been useful, but they had the most horrendous singing voice and as such will never be allowed to be seen again.

Freelance Section

Stories Written By You

MATERNITY WARD SCANDAL!

By Freelancer Scott

Ponyville resident and living WMD Rainbow Dash has been from this day forth and throughout eternity BANNED! from all hospital maternity wards throughout this and all lands!
That was the shocking decree from the Equestrian Hospital and Dental Union issued yesterday.

This decree follows what is considered the heinous act of renaming newly born foals without parental consent. Rainbow Dash was quick to respond to our request for comments as she was waiting outside our window tapping on the window for the last hour.

"What’s the big deal? I saw an opportunity and I took it! How many ponies have horrible names and jobs that suddenly match up to them? I mean, sure, some get lucky and almost end up as awesome as me, but for every Me there’s like six Lulla Moon's and eight Berry Ripples. Hey, I’m doing them a favor after all...Just look at Quasimodo over there. He has to live in a cage while little foals poke him with sticks! How’s the bucket of fish heads, Quas?"

So far none of the renamed foals have been able to respond to their renaming as Awesome Explosion, Gorak god Of Flames, Iron Flank, Titan the Kingosaurus, and Thunderpuncher all don’t know how to talk yet.

Pony Ads

PINKIE PIE BABYSITTING SERVICE

What!!? No! Take that ad down!

FLUTTERSHY BABYSITTING SERVICE

            Oh, um…

RARITY BABYSITTING SERVICE

            I didn’t agree to this nor will I endorse it with a comment.

SPIKE BABYSITTING SERVICE

           
            Seriously?

DERPY BABYSITTING SERVICE

            She actually has this and bought ad space. But would you really leave your kids with her? Meh, to each their own. We don’t recommend you use this service, though.

TECHRAT JOINS THE STAFF OF THE EQUESTRIA INQUIRER!

            Long-time freelancer and all-around awesome reporter TechRat has officially joined the ranks among the permanent staff of the Equestria Inquirer! Be sure to look for his new column “Mares in a Minute” in both the printed and YouTube versions of the Equestria Inquirer!
           
Thanks for reading! To submit freelance articles, write to thenewjoestevens@gmail.com. Subscribe to us on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/user/JoeStevensInc?feature=mhee.