Equestria Inquirer Issue #20

It's time for another Equestria Inquirer! Now twenty percent more existent.

Cause it's number twenty.

I'm sorry.

It's all after the break, or you can find it on Youtube here, or DeviantArt here!


Issue #20 The Second All-Freelance Issue!

JUST TELL JOE EVERYTHING WAS BROKE WHEN WE GOT HERE

By Scootaloo

            Hello Ponyville! This is Scootaloo once again reporting from the renamed Cutie Mark Crusader Inquirer, presenting the second ever All-Freelance Issue! Joe and the rest of the staff ran off to Las Vegas and left me in charge. And it totally had nothing to do with the massive concussion he got when I blew up the Ever Free Forest. As before, while the staff is hanging out in another country, we get to run the news! Cutie Mark Crusader reporters!
            We wanted to thank everypony again for all your terrific submissions. This is the second all-freelance issue and we got a lot of submissions. We also got a lot of gifts in the mail to bribe us into using certain stories. Big thanks to the freelancer who sent us a rocket launcher! And while we really couldn’t eat five hundred muffins, thanks to whoever dropped them on the office too.
            It was a lot of fun running things here and we really tried to get our cutie marks. Applebloom wanted to get her political pundit cutie mark but got censored by SODA enforcers after she said Princess Luna’s new hair looked like blackberry jam. Sweetie Belle wanted to get a cutie mark of a sports reporter so she went to cover the new flyer contest. But I forgot she couldn’t walk in Cloudsdale so she fell right out of the sky. It was cool, though. I got a chance to use my rocket launcher to save her. Just like Rainbow Dash saved Rarity when she fell from Cloudsdale!
            Unfortunately, I was trying to get my cutie mark in photography so we didn’t have any photo of me catching Sweetie Belle. Now, they don’t tell you this, but rocket launchers are really hard to build. Also, it’s really hard to convince Sweetie Belle to fall forty thousand feet twice in one day. Long story short, the first two rocket launcher builds only blew up half the  EI headquarters and the rest of it blew up when the jetpack I was wearing broke. Oh yeah, thanks to the freelancer who gave us a jetpack! But next time, you should put better straps on it – the whole thing tore apart after only three crashes.

So, somewhere along the line we put your freelance articles into the paper printer. Here it is! And here’s my plan: when Joe gets back, we drop him from forty thousand feet and reenact the whole thing where I save him using a jet pack/rocket launcher. Not only will he be grateful for me saving his life, but Joe will have a terrific front page story. He’ll probably not care we blew up his office – it’s the perfect plan! Now all I need to do is add a few fireworks and lightning bolts and we’ll be set. Cutie Mark Crusaders damage control!

Freelance Section

Stories Written By You!

MAYOR MARE OUTLAWS EVERYTHING

TO PROTECT AGAINST FUTURE “GREEDY SPIKE” ATTACKS

By TechRat

"Remove ALL THE THINGS!" announced Mayor Mare at last week's town hall meeting. "Our 'King Spike Incident' occurred because he succumbed to temptation and started hoarding everypony's stuff. So the best way to prevent him from being tempted again is to simply get rid of all the stuff!"

The mayor immediately ordered that everypony's possessions should be collected and dumped into Ghastly Gorge, a plan which local law enforcement executed in a surprisingly quick fashion. Once every house and business in Ponyville was completely bare, Mayor Mare then wondered if Spike could start claiming buildings as possessions, too. With that, bulldozers were brought in and the entire town was razed to the ground, with all the debris being pushed into the gorge. For good measure, the bulldozers were then driven into the gorge as well.

Once that was complete and Mayor Mare seemed satisfied, it was asked whether Spike could start hoarding the ponies themselves. With a sigh, Mayor Mare ordered all ponies to leap into the gorge, reassuring them that the quarry eels would probably snatch them up long before they hit the bottom.

In the end, there was nothing left but a barren, empty field, and Spike. As he stood there alone, wondering what to do, his eyes suddenly glistened and a wide smile crossed his face. "All those blades of grass!" he growled, "I MUST HAVE THEM."

Note: all things and ponies have since been recovered after Pinkie Pie found them under her hat. Not sure how she did that or even where the hat came from but we’re not going to think about it too hard.

PRINCESS LUNA MISSING
By TechRat

Uproar in Canterlot today as it appears the Princess Luna, little sister of Princess Celestia, has disappeared.  In a royal address to the public last week, Princess Celestia revealed that shortly after the deliverance of Princess Luna from her imprisonment on the moon, the young princess disappeared without a trace. In an interview with EI reporters today, Princess Celestia, holding a pair of her sister’s favourite socks, commented that they had been searching for Luna for months to no avail, trying to ease public suspicions by implementing a plan of 'putting a life-sized pony doll with a stick taped onto its head sitting in the throne room and drawing a smiley face on it'. This effort by Celestia worked for quite some time, fooling most foreign diplomats, Equestrian citizenry and royal guards into a great sense of security around the doll, what with its soothing dark blue/orange coat, happy expression and willing-ness to listen to others.

“We tried our best to keep up the ruse that Luna was still around while we searched for her, but after so many photo shoots with my arm around my ‘sister’, ponies started to notice that I was just keeping her from falling over…..and well, quite frankly that they didn’t think she was partly orange, unlike the doll we had to get on short notice.” The clever deception finally started to fall apart at this year’s Grand Galloping Gala, as the Princess Luna doll refused to respond to numerous inquiries about matters in Canterlot from other ponies, eventually falling over into a bowl of punch.

Canterlot authorities have asked that if anypony has seen Princess Luna, or the irreplaceable Elements of Harmony jewelry that disappeared along with Luna around the same time, to please inform their local authorities, as they would greatly appreciate any help in locating Princess Luna. And yes, authorities have informed us that after following several anonymous tips, they have already checked the Moon.

ANCIENT TEXTS OF COMMANDER HURRICANE DISCOVERED

By Sergeant Grani, Royal Guard Public Relations

            A recent archaeological dig near Windigo Valley has uncovered what is believed to be the later works of Commander Hurricane, one of the founders of Equestria.  As many ponies already know, Commander Hurricane was the founder of the modern Equestrian Armed Forces following the unification of the three races.  Her well-known works include The Art of Conflict, which has been used on and off the battlefield, and the Dicta Hurrikan, a treatise on pegasus combat which is still used by air forces worldwide.  Utilizing the tactics in these works, Commander Hurricane led the forefront in expanding the borders of Equestria to its present-day boundaries by fighting off the Griffon Tsardom, the Smooze Hordes, and the Troll Armies led by General Karkat.
            The newly-discovered texts are believed to be the late Commander’s obscure works written during the latter part of her life, such as Self-Defense Against Fresh Fruit, and How to Prevent an Arrow to the Knee.  Also among the ancient works is what is believed to be the very last letter written by Commander Hurricane, addressed to her daughter, Firefly the Elder.  What could be deciphered from the letter was something about “burning life’s castle to the ground with combustible lemons.”  Historians are still trying to figure out the meaning behind the letter, while prominent defense company Lopeheed Maretin is already at work in developing said “combustible lemon,” capitalizing on the success of their exploding watermelons and pie filling “napalm.”

ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE FORBIDDEN BY ROYAL COURT 

Reported by Hamlet "Ha³" The Third

  

The Royal Chambers of Court and Justice have created a new law, hereby forbidding the perusal of the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice by the Royal Family. The reasons provided for this were the constant entries at Canterlot's Public Health Care Clinic - Starwill the Bearded Hospital - due to physical and hearing damage resulted by the use of the TRCV, which has been running in the Royal Family for forty three generations in the Blueblood branch.

Material damage also resulted from the many windows, glasses and deviants, which prompted rise of burglary in the acclaimed capital of our nation.

"All of our bottles of ink broke, completely soaking our stocks of quills and ruining the fabrics of our sofas!" Said Shuffle, the distraught owner of the Quills and Sofas shop in Ponyville after Princess Luna's visit during last year's Nightmare Night.

We headed to the Royal Castle of Canterlot to interview the Princesses about this matter.

"I don't really care to be honest. These old traditions are silly, anyway," said our benevolent ruler, Princess Celestia, before heading to the Secretary of Equestrian Economy to resolve the matter regarding the drought ruining the many crops of daisies and lilies in Trottingham, some of the principal incomes of money to Equestria's Stock Exchange (more about this in Page Seven).

"WHY HAVEN'T WE HEARD OF THIS TOMFOOLERY?! WE DEMANDETH THAT THIS DECISION BE REVISED!" quoted the Princess of night herself, Luna, most known for her use of the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice, which resulted in a pretty bad cases of Tinnitus from the reporters nearby, yours truly included. The Princess was escorted away to delve into this matter with the Royal Ministers of Justice.

Apparently, the revision of this new Article in Equestrian Constitution will be held publicly in The National Chambers tomorrow at 11:00 AM. Tune in next week for the resolution of this matter (and pray for the recovery of your dear reporter).

NEW STOCK STATEMENTS IN: ORANGES ARE THE NEW APPLES
By Ted Wakeman

            Stock representative of Ponyville and charter member of the "Bits for Wealthy Hooves Committee," Mr. Colt Christie announced today that the recent stock report suggests a falling price in apples.  This comes not a long while after the famed Applebuck Season of a season ago, when the main supplier of apples, Sweet Apple Acres began to decline thanks to a certain worker who has asked to remain Anonymous (No, not those masked ponies who go around loathing all day) at this time.  Believe me, she would've bucked me to high heaven if I didn't.  She said so herself!...Well, ahem, anyways...

 According to Colt Christie, the report displayed a steep decline in apple sales.  Christie did not state whether last Applebuck Season's incident was a cause, but stated the decline was under review by experts.  The representative, however, did mention a rise in the stock of oranges, likely because of interest in other fields of fruit.  After all, as quoted by a dragon we interviewed afterwards, "Who wants to eat apples every day?"  He then received a buck or two by the Anonymous apple orchard worker from before.  Blame her?  This reporter does not.

This sudden rise has seemed to turn Sweet Apple Acres into a ghost town.  As noted by some interviewed experts, the idea of mainstream and fads runs deep into the culture of Ponyville, and even Equestria altogether.  This was evidenced by such acts as Mare Do-Well, The Phony and Fraudy Trixie and the short success shared by the model Fluttershy, who for some odd reason hasn't been talked about in popular culture since March 18th of this year...but I digress.  As reviewed, it seems that this is simply a cause of wanting something "awesome and cool" to make ponies feel new and "in the times".  However, some ponies are still supporting the apple business.  This reporter admires the tenacity, but it seems that a fad won't be overpowered easily.

In related news, odd appearances of red-colored oranges have appeared everywhere. Reports from several ponies state they saw a "grey Pegasus, almost in a dazed but fierce flying pattern" swoop into several new orange stands and paint these new fads red, the exact color of an apple.  Many believe this to be a misconception on somepony's head, but others believe it could be an "apple avenger" of sorts, trying to bring the red fruit back into popularity.  This reporter personally believes it's simply just a prankster, perhaps the same prankster that left that odd-looking turtle in the lake nearby. 

The Mandarins, local sellers of the popular new fruit, have refused to comment, and quickly threatened this reporter to "take a hike" or they'd sue me until I ended up in the darkest corners of Lincolt Park.  This reporter has fillies to feed, so further questions were refrained from.

Will the orange's popularity stay?  What of the apples?  Is this the end for Sweet Apple Acres?  Who is the mysterious Apple...person?  I can't say these questions can be answered... because this will be the one time you hear about it, but this reporter truly hopes so.

ERRANT ARROW SOURCE APPARENT
Suspects caught, but charges not expected to be brought
by Fiesta Sombrero

Weeks of painstaking - and painful - investigation into a rash of incidents involving errant arrows to the knee have finally reached a conclusion, with three suspects recently brought into custody: Ponyville residents Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom, all fillies under the legal age of prosecution. When reached for comment, all three had differing responses to the allegations brought against them:

"I didn't know arrows could travel that far," said Sweetie Belle. "Honest!"

"You mean I hit something? YES!" answered Scootaloo. When told her answer may be used against her as evidence in the court of law, she declined further comment.

Applebloom, under advisement from family and legal representation, declined comment. When asked if Applebloom would be available in the future for further interviews, older brother Big Macintosh answered simply, "Nnnope."

Further investigation by the Inquirer discovered that the motive for their actions was related to a misguided attempt to "earn their cutie marks.” Despite a mountain of growing evidence against the trio - hoofprints, used arrows, crude ballista-like apparatuses, and a paper trail of purchase records - Bureau of Pony Investigation lead investigator for the case, Captain McFlatfoot, is not expected to formally press charges. In a statement released to the press, the BPI announced that, "...given the status of the three accused fillies as minors, and the overall nature of the incidents as poorly-supervised accidents, this department cannot in good faith try the three accused as adults."

When interviewed for the story, Captain McFlatfoot stated simply, "Aside from some minor ligament damage and increased E.R. visits, I don't personally think any real harm was done. After all, when it comes to foals, wouldn't it be unfortunate to have a..."

Donning a pair of shades, he finished, "Knee-jerk reaction? YEAHHH!"

According to sources, the three - known colloquially as the Cutie Mark Crusaders - have been restricted to Nerf guns and foam darts. Coincidentally, incidents of darts to the eye have skyrocketed.

Writer’s note: I might've submitted sooner... but I took a dart to the eye.

FIRE AT NIGHT CLUB IN MANEHATTAN

By Midgetman82

A large fire broke out at the Hoof Trot night club in Manehattan last night. Fire Pegasi were on the scene immediately with rain clouds to douse the flames coming from the burning building, and all ponies inside were reported evacuated and unharmed. Causes of the fire are uncertain, but were have said to come from an accidental spilling of a drink that was set on top of DJPon-3’s equipment, causing a spark to ignite a fire which engulfed the entire club.

Vinyl Scratch was nowhere to be found for questioning after the incident, but regular visitors to the night club and witnesses to the fire say that she has been stressed out at her job for the past few days. “I noticed that she has been drinking more coffee while working, and her mane is sometimes frizzy,” said local resident and DJPon-3 fan Hairspray. “I think she’s stressed out because she hasn’t come out with new music for over a month. Most of her new songs were just remixes of older stuff she already made.”

Damages to the building include a destroyed set of DJ equipment, dozens of spilled or burnt alcoholic drinks, many furnishings in need of repair or replacement, and more damaged property. The fire marshal is currently investigating further into the incident, and is asking anypony who might know about Vinyl’s whereabouts to retrieve her for questioning.

FIRST ANNUAL GRANDMAHOOVES SOCIAL

GOES ABOUT AS WELL AS YOU’D EXPECT

By TechRat

What started as a well-intentioned event to promote grandmother-granddaughter bonding turned into a calamitous cavalcade of curmudgeonly catastrophe today at the first (and probably last) annual Grandmahooves Social. The afternoon started innocently enough, with all the hyper young fillies excited to be competing in a variety of events with their grandmothers.

"Granny Smith an' I are gonna bowl over everypony today!" chirped a probably-had-way-too-much-sugar-that-morning Apple Bloom. "We've been practicin' our synchronized rockin-chair rockin' an' bed-pan relays all week! Ain't no pony gonna stop us! Ya know, Sweetie Belle asked me if she could borrow Granny for today, an' normally I would have been okay with it for ONE...DAY.....but I'm just too excited this time to give her up. An' besides, ah never know if Granny will be around for that long."

The first competition foreshadowed the terrible events to come as the contestants skipped and wobbled their way up to a table. In a variation on the traditional pie-eating contest, young and old ponies alike buried their faces in pureed apples for the first challenge: "Find Grammy's Dementia Medicine in the Applesauce". Unfortunately, most of the fillies accidentally swallowed the tiny hidden capsules, resulting in an impromptu round of "Pump Your Granddaughter's Stomach" (for which Pecan Sandy and her nana, Cookie Crumbles, took the gold!).

Things only got worse when it came time for the obstacle course. As soon as the starting gun went off, three grannies, startled by the noise, immediately clutched their chests and collapsed. Of the few who made it over the starting line, even fewer passed the first mud pit obstacle. The crowd watched in horror as two unfortunate, frail old biddies flailed weakly in the muck before vanishing beneath the surface, never to be seen again. One young filly was seen desperately pulling on her grandma's afghan as she sank, yelling "Fight against the sadness Grandma! Grandma! Grandmaaaaa!!! Eeeeeee!!!!!".

Only the resilient Granny Smith survived the scary sludge, but even she was no match for the pile of boxes that awaited her next. As Apple Bloom struggled to lift Granny's creaky haunches up onto the first box, Granny suddenly toppled over in pain, loudly complaining about her hip and about how foals have no respect for their elders anymore and could somepony get her a blanket because she's freezing and everypony better get off her darn lawn.

As the competitors were carried off the field to receive medical attention, the rest of the day’s festivities, including the highly-anticipated "Yelling at Clouds" competition, had to be canceled. It was also decided that, in light of the tragic events, all future "Social"-themed gatherings, including the upcoming "CrazyUncleSteveHooves Social", would be postponed indefinitely.

One observer, after seeing the carnage unfold, shook her head and remarked sadly "Those old gray mares, they ain't what they used to be."

Thanks for reading! To submit freelance to the Equestria Inquirer email Joe Stevens at [email protected]. You can subscribe to Joe Stevens on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/user/JoeStevensInc?feature=guide. The regular issues and the whole staff will be back next week with Issue #21. Remember, everypony, someone needs to kidnap Joe Stevens so I and the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders can save his life in a massive explosion. Trust me, it’ll totally work.

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