Equestria Inquirer Issue #19

The Equestrian Inquirer has hit it's 19th edition! As always, you can find the PDF version here, and the video/text version after the break!

EPIDEMIC!

WE CAN’T STOP SINGING!

By Joe Stevens

            Reports are still coming in and our Unreliable Sources are strangely vague on the details, but it seems that an epidemic of massive proportions has struck Equestria. We are, of course, referring to the epidemic of unstoppable and involuntary musical numbers that are plaguing the populace. From Ponyville to Canterlot, ponies seem to be, without warning, compelled by forces unknown into breaking out in song.

While it comes as no surprise to anypony that special events such as the opening of the Grand Galloping Gala or Hearth’s Warming Eve pageants should be graced with a musical performance, a veritable plague of unwilled singing has infected mundane tasks such as cleaning up winter, choosing which pet to adopt, and selecting which flavor muffin to throw at the mailpony. I wanted to throw blueberry this morning but through no will of my own I sang a ten minute duet with Freddy Baxter covering the the air velocity potential comparison between a bran and poppy seed muffin!

We don’t know if you can read this, but please rest assured that I am in fact singing this report, harmonizing each and every word. It’s tough to, of course, translate a singing report into words on a page and that’s probably a good thing since I just ate a cheese sandwich and my voice is a little strained from yelling at Berry Punch to get off my roof last night.

We can’t believe this is happening. With all the ponies this affects, the reality of this plague is sure to make this, the worst thing ever!

It’s an epidemic. An epidemic! I will tell you, how much income we have lost. Working ponies, singing hours, and not trying to cut cost. It has harmed the whole economy, for Equestria.

All our free time and our rest is spent in dress rehearsal, all that we are wishing is to end this epidemic! Epidemic.

Epidemic, we are told now, by police chief Harry C. He has given us this statement on the epidemic: “We are all screwed, all the ponies. This is too much can’t you see? The singing cannot be stopped, this endless slavery.” This statement was followed with a resignation letter, it seems that this random singing will continue forever!

To quote on this epidemic, is the smartest, best pony. Twilight Sparkle says what is missing is a point of clarity, for to sing is tons of fun, all the ponies do agree. It is culture, it is funny, and not an epidemic.

Happiness and laughter from a disease? An epidemic?

Twilight said that, it’s not sickness, it’s a song that’s fun to sing. So I sing this report gladly, relish all the joy it brings. Life with ponies is so special, despite obligatory song!

Into the singing we must go, I’m content now if you must know. Ignore the cost that it shall bring the cost is worth the culture. Don’t stop the song for all of time, Celestia knows it’s fun to rhyme. Unwilling song be warned my friends it’s something fun though it hurts your voice. Choreographed numbers are pretty neat despite all the practice.

So sing, ponies, never fear, disease, and share the love and sing all the time!

Joyful Epidemic!

There is a cure to the singing sickness, however. Finish the song. That or don’t throw muffins at the mailpony, we’re not sure on the details.

WEATHER REPORT:

CLOUDY WITH A 100% CHANCE OF SNOWBALLS

No, it won’t rain snowballs, but Rainbow Dash has been seen stockpiling them in Cloudsdale. You hear us, Rainbow! We’re not afraid of your or your supersonic snowballs!

Hmm, we’re probably going to get in trouble for that.

FLUTTERSHY VOLUNTEERS TO BE A TREE

By Freddy Baxter

            Unreliable Sources have confirmed that Ponyville resident Fluttershy has voluntarily proclaimed that she is no longer a member of the pony species, but is in fact a certifiable leaf-bearing plant, or, specifically, a tree.
            “Everypony kept saying I was a tree, so, well, I didn’t want to confuse them,” Fluttershy quoted after announcing she was no longer a biological mammal but a member of the plantae kingdom.
            To solidify her position as an embryophyte, Fluttershy has volunteered to place her hooves in the soil and allow Rainbow Dash to water her so that birds may one day plant nests in her soon to grow branches.
            “I don’t mind, really,” Fluttershy added, “I help birdies and critters find homes every day. If I’m a tree that means I can just help them more. Sure it can get a little cold and it’s not exactly the best time of year to be planted, but I would hate to disappoint anypony who saw me and realized I wasn’t a tree. That would be awful.”
            Most ponies and friends of Fluttershy have responded to her newly-acquired accreditation among the photosynthesizing flora with a mixture of confusion and intense confusion. Since she is not using magic, potions, genetic modification, being bitten by a radioactive Venus flytrap, or any other scientifically-plausible means of transforming into a tree, it is likely that Fluttershy’s time as a botanical blossom will be short-lived.
            “Could you just pat down the soil a little more, oh thank you,” Fluttershy quoted after this reporter unsuccessfully attempted to uproot her plans to be a tree, “And please don’t tell anypony I’m not a tree. I would hate for ponies to get upset if they found out I wasn’t.” And since trees can’t talk, Fluttershy stopped answering questions.

Gumshoe’s Corner

EI Muckraker Section

BERRY PUNCH HELD A NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY LAST NIGHT

By Gumshoe

            My head hurts.

Freelance Section

Stories Written By You!

MAGICAL UNIVERSITY BEGINS PROJECT TO EMULATE DISCORD’S MAGIC

By ChaosDX1

A group of college unicorns claim they may be able to create spells that emulate the magic wielded by Discord, but on a much smaller and safer scale. Or more specifically, to create the infamous chocolate-milk-raining cotton candy clouds by pony methods.

"To actually try and copy Discord's magic would require testing the very limits of known magic. The last time some labponies tried that we lost the entire borealis wing of the research building. I'm sure it will turn up sooner or later." Says leading research professor, Dr. Glad Ohs. "We're glad the students found a potential way to imitate it using simpler methods." She then excused herself, saying she had science to do.

We caught up with one of the students, Grapeseed, to get a report on their progress. "Well, currently we were able to make a cloud of marshmallows that rain apple cider. At least, that's what it did for the first few seconds. It then exploded into a gooey, sticky, and delicious mess. Clearly unstable. We're asking for outside assistance from CU [Cloudsdale University] to see if we can use standard cloud creation methods to add more stability the procedure."

"And if that doesn't work maybe we can see if there are any military uses for exploding candy clouds. They still haven't gotten Redswirl unstuck from the wall," interrupted Violet Aura, another student working on the project.

Is a future where cotton candy clouds can frequently be found at party snack tables close at hand? If not, the Crowd Control division at Canterlot's Police Department have their eye on this project.

Pony Ads

DRESS SALE AT CAROUSEL BOUTIQUE

            Why hello there ponies of Ponyville and beyond. As a reputable member of the fashion community with years of experience and admiration, it is I, Rarity, here to offer the first ever sale at my dress designing studio Carousel Boutique. Ooh, won’t this be just fabulous! Be a dear and come by to my abode of all things stylish and vogue. You can choose from my gala gowns, and a great selection of saddle warmers. Oh but don’t take the red one, I just adore the red one and would hate to part with it. And the purple scarf, of course the  purple scarf is not a part of the sale. And the green gown, well you couldn’t expect me to sell that now would you I mean have you seen the way it offsets my blue gems, I mean really. Oh, and I mustn’t allow the turquoise skirts to pass, it would be a travesty to see it worn by somepony who can’t appreciate it, just look at the pleats! Well, I suppose I could part with them. Wait! Selling them means I can make more dresses! Okay, I’ve changed my mind, come and buy them all so I can make more! Ooh I can see all the colors now! The reds and yellows and blues and oh the greens, can’t forget the greens…

NEXT WEEK IS THE ALL-FREELANCE ISSUE!

Issue #20 will be entirely fan-submitted and freelance content! We’re taking a vacation in Las Vegas and we’re not doing a bit of work! So the Cutie Mark Crusaders will once again be taking the reins at the inquirer offices. We seem to remember something going wrong the last time this happened but, who cares, Vegas!  

            To submit for the All-Freelance issue, email freelance articles to thenewjoestevens@gmail.com. We’re also accepting freelance videos if you want to be a part of the YouTube series. Thanks for reading!