Author: DannyJ
Description: "In Equestria's far future, one thousand and five years after the return, a dysfunctional group of argumentative ponies must quest to defeat the most dangerous enemy of Equestria to ever live; the malevolent Lord Second, one of the only known members of the race of elder gods known as the humans, and the ancient cult who worships him, the Brotherhood of Man.Human (All Links) (Update Part 37!)
An over-the-top surrealist comedy with slight serious elements. Expect a steady decline into insanity."
Human: Shades of Grey
Additional Tags: Long, OC ponies, humans, far future,
141 comments:
hasn't been done
ReplyDeleteSeth why you take trixies magic
ReplyDeleteDo you have nothing better to do than to spam a fanfic post with useless comments and rate it down? How do you even know that it is only a 2-star fic when you haven't even read it and it seems to be far from completion?
ReplyDeleteThis story sounds pretty cool, gotta read soon.
ReplyDelete*Sees silhouette, automatically thinks Seinfeld*
ReplyDelete"A world populated with Ponies?! What is with that?!"
No humans for me, thank you. Only ponies.
ReplyDeleteHas potential
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rainbow Dash, give thing a try, if it's not your type of story then don't read or rate it
ReplyDeleteI stole Luna's crown, beat that
@Rainbow Dash
ReplyDeleteExcept I didn't rate it cause I didn't read it...
if you were talking about me...
Why Seth, why!? Couldn't you have stolen it at 10 am instead =S
ReplyDeleteStory about humans that doesn't involve Lyra? That's an interesting idea... Added to plan-to-read list.
ReplyDeleteThis is going to be a good one. I can tell.
ReplyDeleteI have a strange craving for HIE fics
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. I like the whole air of mystery about the humans, and the humor is good. I await more chapters of this. 5 stars
ReplyDeleteWhy does nobody use the Human label anymore? It was the same with 'Anthropology'.
ReplyDeleteThis looks.... incredibly interesting! and not in a bad way!
ReplyDeleteAnd it takes place in the future? so no mane six i guess. Still looks good tho.
Chapter 2! Now! I'm loving it so far.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHmm. I'll keep an eye on this one.
ReplyDelete'twas good, excited for part 2! I say to you all, give it a read.
ReplyDeleteI really shouldn't post, I really shouldn't.
ReplyDeletePredictable, immature, contradictory, conflict without reason, poor execution of an idea that's been discussed before.
Above all else, boring.
Hey, that's just my opinion though.
As it involves humans i'll probably read.
ReplyDelete@Altherix
ReplyDeleteIf you have nothing good to say about the fic along with the criticism, then no, you shouldn't have posted.
Seems like this will flourish into something magnificent and incredible. Can't wait until this turns into the next 6-star HIE story ^_^
ReplyDeleteI think it's very interesting. I imagine both of the humans singing three way would have been funnier, but this is also meant to be dramatic (and its a written story so its not like you can get the feeling of a true reaction)
ReplyDeleteI'm already halfway through. This is great! Five stars, and can't wait for more of this.
ReplyDeleteim guessing this horn is pistol
ReplyDeleteim guessing this horn is pistol
ReplyDeleteim guessing this horn is pistol
ReplyDeleteThis fic is a selection of pop culture quotes strung together with the usual Mary-Sue human in equestria plotline that is rapidly becoming a badfic trope.
ReplyDeleteI seriously question how something like this gets posted here. I thought we had -some- standards.
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteAnd this gets 4.2 rating while "Only if you mean it" has 3.5?
The fandom must burn :(
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteI don't understand what are you even talking about. I thought the pop culture quotes were amusing, and the fact that the humans aren't bronies or depressed people that just entered Equestria was very refreshing. The fact that they were actually very powerful was a nice refresh and intriguing.
@Howdy
ReplyDeleteThat's why he was turned to stone. His comedy is to advanced for pony kind.
I'm honesty surprised. Seems my fic's been better received than I could have hoped for. Looks like it has it's critics too, but that's to be expected. The entire HIE genre has a bad rep, and one it's rightfully earned.
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone so far who's been willing to give it a chance.
''spoiler''
ReplyDelete"Let's see," she muttered, "Vault 3G, that's the Elements of Harmony...4K...the uncensored
''history books. 9F, the alien spaceship, 4Q, Luna's foalhood drawings, 4Z, Metal Gear, 3D, those damn glasses, 5T, the elder scroll, 2W, that compass that doesn't point north, 7S...Oh. Oh dear."''
This made my day...
Hmm... Chapter one leaves me confused but I like the concept. Just one problem I have. There no charactor I like so far. All the brotherhood look like to me is a crazy cult to overthrow Princess Celestia power. Like a Lunar Repulic plot or something to gave Princess Luna power thru this second human. I don't know.
ReplyDelete@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteThe Humans are imature, not the writer. Also, humor is good, though this is clearly not your kind of humor.
As for mary-sue
WUT
It's got me intrigued, though I do have some problems with it.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've seen, the humans are a couple of obnoxious frat boys without a shred of maturity. Presumably, that changed some time before the present day, otherwise they would still be out taking bets and singing awful songs instead of being dead/statueified.
Also, a lot of the pony names seem rather uninspired. "Ancient Tome," "Gold Coin," "Iron Hoof," "Apple Tree," etc. Unless, of course, in-universe naming conventions have changed for some reason.
Also, who wants to bet the Reaper's Horn is just a gun? Loser has to sing Bad Romance in Spanish.
I normally love HiE.
ReplyDeleteBut not sure if want one where humans are evil overlords :/
On the edge about reading this.
I'd just like to state now that precautions were taken to prevent sue-ishness. That's why the humans are presented as the villains, and that's why one of them was killed right off the bat.
ReplyDelete@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteGiving your remaining Invincible Sue a tragic past by killing his buddy and making everyone but the main characters of you fic hate him does not prevent his nature.
Nor does it make someone who acts like that much of a douchebag in any way likable.
@Shamus Aran
ReplyDeleteNext chapter has a character who's name is spelt with an exclaimation mark if it makes you feel better.
Not even kidding.
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteWell argued. Thing is though that Second is meant to be neither sympathetic nor likeable. That's why he's the villain. Some readers make still like him, but the story wasn't written with making him likeable in mind. He's just doing his own thing.
Okay, the jizzed in my pants part was too much, I almost shit myself laughing man!
ReplyDeleteAny, so far this is a pretty good fic, I look forward to reading more, but as a side note you're spelling civilization wrong.
@mdude009
ReplyDeleteSorry about that. It's a British thing. We spell some words with an S where Americans use a Z.
@Desert Rose
ReplyDelete-The End
-Article 2
-My Little Dashie (in words that are not mine “this is not a fanfic, this is an experience”)
- The Conversion Bureau: Last Man Standing
- The Conversion Bureau – Yellowstone (light reading, entertaining, like reading a Tarantino movie with the right amounts of seriousness, drama, comedy, and kickass action)
- Order from Chaos
- Arddun Lleuad (and the second part Chwe Goleadau, and never once they fell into distasteful, NSFW territories)
These are the HiE fanfics that I have enjoyed the most, they are all here in EQD go see them, you might find something you like.
Also, I accept any HiE fanfic recommendations, always looking for something new to read.
@1LTdaniels
ReplyDeleteThrough The Eyes of Another Pony is an excellent HIE story that I greatly recommend. In fact, I would not hesitate in calling THE HIE story
I like it so far.
ReplyDeleteit's okay. not something i'm interested in following but not bad. i'm with Hayguard i guess. the two humans seem exceptionally idiotic, the ponies are well enough written but no one i'd care overtly about and the only 'mane' character i've read so far is Celestia and she's not fully in character in my opinion. i doubt Celestia would send some strange, if annoying, creatures to the dungeons even if they knocked out half her guard. killed, sure, but not knocked out. unless this is the 'Tyrant Celestia' trope but then why is she crying at the thought of a few dozen dead guards?
ReplyDeletei suppose if the humans are in their teens or early twenties, they fit but i ... just don't like them. villains or not. i have no sympathy for the humans, i've no smypathy for Junior Tyrant Celestia, i've no sympathy for the Brotherhood, i've no sympathy for the kid ... i might give it another go at part two and three but unless there's a character i can connect with and root for, i don't feel as though reading this would be a good use of my time.
as i said before, it's not badly written. it's just not my cup of ... soda. then again, i find many of the human-based characters in HiE stories to be, uhm ... grating? most are loosely based off authors (not saying this is, just saying) and they treat everything flippantly, to the point of annoyance. 'Through the Eyes of Another Pony' is a prime example. well written enough, just ... ergh. that main character.
@Minalkra I can see that I guess. It's hard to find a sympathetic character when the cast is mostly the villains.
ReplyDeleteI could see this being good. Right now the characters are all completely uninteresting, but once you fix that I think you could turn it into something good.
ReplyDeleteAlright, a few things (Spoilers will follow!)...
ReplyDeleteI like the premise. Its premise is interesting and this is well written so the mistakes that ARE apparent are the forgivable ones which don't take away from the reading experience.
The First and Second's actions, while their reasoning for doing what they did questionable at best, is intriguing enough to make me wonder about the circumstances when they first came to Equestria and encountered ponies and the chain of events that led to half of Celestia's guard being knocked out. Their pop culture references are distracting, but not overly so that they are immediately unlikable. I don't like them, since they seem overly casual/immature when in chains and faced with an upset Sun Godess. There may be a reason as to why they weren't overly worried with the consequences of their actions, but as of now, I can't relate to either one of them, nor do I like them, villain(s) or not.
The Cult of Humanity is interesting if only for my questions as to why would they want to resurrect Second and why they don't want Celestia on the throne. The cultists are not individually interesting, but at least I don't hate them like I hate First and Second. They aren't interesting enough to gain much sympathy from me, but this IS the first chapter, so they still have time to develop. They do also seem to act so casually when the story doesn't warrant for it. It might just be me, but I find it odd that they're acting so casually while they're busy getting Second resurrected. If I were one of the cultists, the resurrection of Second would be like the second coming, I wouldn't be be taking this so lightly.
Celestia, like Minalkra mentioned, seems a tad too similar to her tyrant trope. Might just be the pacifist in her lashing out at First and Second for the considerable injuries that they've caused, but it just seems too much like Tyrant Celestia. Might be wrong on that one but eh.
One big problem that I do have is the comedy you've got going for here. See, the premise sets the story to be dramatic with some action sprinkled in between and some more. The comedy here just feels out of place. There's nothing wrong with comedic relief in a drama story, but pop cultural references aren't the way to go about it.
At the moment I can't tell if you're going for a drama, a comedy, or an action story. It felt to me that you're trying to be all of those things without making each of those elements work cohesively with each other. It's almost as if the story is schizophrenic and those mood shifts do ruin the immersion for me.
I still like the fic enough for me to see it through for the next few chapters. Keep in mind of the problems and improve on them. You've got quite a bit of potential.
Very interesting. I want to see a little more before I judge, but this story is at least a 4, maybe a 5.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the image of him singing "Jizz in my pants" to Celestia made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe.
Gave it a chance but no.
ReplyDeleteThere were far too many original (completely unrelated) characters and I didn't relate to any of them, and no real presence of the mane 6.
The writing was all right but mediocre.
Pop culture references doesn't equal humor (humor overall felt out of place and grating).
The humans were annoying, mostly because I hate powerful characters for no reason, and they were not relatable or symapthetic, but instead were simply powerful condescending jerks and the song game was irritating and made the two humans feel more like author-inserts than ever before. Even if they are the villains, there's nothing very interesting or whatsoever sympathetic (look at every antagonist in the series, and even if they are doucebags or evil, there's still depth and possible reasons). These two humans are immature fratboys.
Also, Celestia was out of character and I don't understand why she was concerned about the humans using the words 'no one' which is species ambiguous and is used in the show, I'm fairly certain. "no person" would be more human-specific.
Ok, good thing about the story... dialogue was all right- casual.
My biggest suggestion would be to work on character development.
Hmmm...I think First and Second might actually be bronies who found their way to Equestria. One of them said he didn't remember Celestia to be that angry, didn't he?
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing they treat the whole thing as a virtual reality thing where they can do anything, and nothing has any consequences. They're most likely wrong about it, too.
This fic sounds amazing.
ReplyDeleteWell. No sleep for my tonight!
@1LTdaniels
ReplyDeleteI'd also strongly recommend:
(for serious fics)
-Divergent Days: HiE fic by the same author of My Little Dashie;
-The Thessalonica Legacy: Epic HiE Battletech crossover and one of the best fics on the site;
-The Dread Chitin: Human with Twi and Dash surviving together on a lost planet (personal fave);
-The Dresden Fillies: Strange Friends: Dresden Files crossover and very well done;
-Stargate: Equestria: Stargate crossover in 2 parts, the first is complete and good but much more MLP than Stargate, the 2nd is incomplete and more Stargate than MLP;
-The Nightmare Wars: Amazing Sci-Fi AU incomplete at only 1 epic chapter;
i found the way the humans were behaving like idiots funny instead of annoying. BUT i can understand why others are annoyed by them.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the humans are only in flashbacks so far. If this many people find them this annoying when they're not even really in the story yet, clearly I have some character tweaking to do.
ReplyDelete@cheezesauce
ReplyDeleteSame case here. I really like how they behave, to be frank.
>DannyJ
Hrmmn, maybe. Perhaps if you don't want them to be serious grumpyfaces, you could make them a sort of "do-it-my-way" sort of character? They're serious about what they do and aren't a comic relief that isn't a relief to the main plot, but are still rather amusing at times and refreshing. The First looked like a do-it-my-way sort of character spot-on, and the Second was less like that.
If you plan on integrating the First in the plot again at some point, I'd say go with that. But I'm not sure what you can do with the Second.
@Zamoonda
ReplyDeleteMaybe. It'll be hard to do, because First is dead and Second is the only one right now. I plan on having him be more serious next chapter, but I don't know how far to go with it. I never intended for him to be likeable, but he isn't meant to be annoying either. Considering later revelations about who he is, it's actually hard to write for him. It's a good thing he isn't the main character really.
I probably will be dropping the humans as the main comic relief though. I have other characters for that.
While I have some reservations about the lack of reasoning for overthrowing Celestia, I am intrigued by your "humans are Cthulhu" perspective. Watching this fic with interest.
ReplyDeleteWell-written, polished style, though your POV changes are rather rapid at the beginning. Also, where is Luna? Wouldn't she be a lot more involved in something so critical to the safety of Equestria?
ReplyDeleteYour characters are well-built, ignoring the lack of rationale for their dislike of Celestial rule, and taking the ponies' POV in a HiE fic is always appreciated. Overall, you've achieved an interesting balance between serious and light, and I'm certainly going to look out for this fic.
@Yours sincerely
ReplyDeleteI held back on Luna for now because this fic takes the "Luna sleeps during the day and rules in the night" angle, which I always believed was why we didn't see her in season one, so she's not awake during the day parts and she's busy with royal duties during the night parts.
She'll be in this later, but she's not a major party right now. One of the criticisms the pre-readers gave me with the original version of this was that it had too many POVs, and there were actually a lot of them cut from the version you're reading. There was just no space in the first chapter to set up Luna as well, so she'll have to wait for now.
too many POVs, i can agree with that.
ReplyDeleteLight Grimdark and Sad? Really?
ReplyDeleteI don't see it.
The dialog and atmosphere are far too flippant to allow for them.
@Sebiale
ReplyDelete's for later.
@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteThe first human: Tiberius Caesar, the Second: Emperor Caligula.
Equestria is doomed! ;D
Time for some commentary. I'm trying to be constructive here, but I'm still busy boggling as to how this got posted in it's current state.
ReplyDeleteWe apparently didn't need to see any of how the hell the statue form of someone she considers a great threat gets out of Canterlot and out to the Everfree without Celestia noticing it's missing. Just after the god-killing relic he used to use goes missing as well.
The sole and only character you've done -any- level of characterization for is Ancient Tome, who we got the whole spiel last chapter on how much he cares about his family... and now he's a petty tyrant, willing to throw them away on a moment's notice?
I couldn't even tell you the full names of the rest of the Brotherhood, much less any of their physical descriptions, simply because they have as much presence in the fic as cardboard stand-ins placed in the background to make it appear less empty.
The most generic of generic powersets on the human, art-based reality bending. Shouldn't be terribly surprising from the way he acts, but if you wanted to write a self-insertion story for a 4channer author/artist, it should probably go in the tags. That's what you're doing here, isn't it? I can't think of any -other- reason for writing such a powerful being as meme and pop culture obsessed, yet not capable of interacting reasonably in social situations or even finding food.
In short, you may have some good concepts here. The writing is fairly mechanically sound. But the premise and execution really need a long trip back to the drawing board and quite a bit more fleshing out.
If I'm quite honest, the fact that the fic is even on Equestria Daily is an utter shock, and even quite insulting to the other fanfics that are actually any GOOD.
ReplyDeleteThe writing here is okay, as in, there are few grammar/spelling errors. The content, however? Is far better suited to fanfiction.net, or fimfiction, or such. Not here. Equestria Daily has actual standards, hence the need of prereaders and so on, and this falls so far below these standards that it's laughable.
Okay, what?
ReplyDeleteReally, what?
The slew of OCs might be fine, if any time at all was given to characterisation, but they're introduced so quickly there's no time for, or ATTEMPT to give them any depth whatsoever.
The simple presence of the humans is like someone jabbing a rusty fork wired to a 9-volt battery into the section of my brain that handles humour, and despite being omnipotent, they can't FEED THEMSELVES?
Seriously now. That's not balancing out sue-ish traits. It just makes them even more irritating when they go whining to Celestia about how they're incompetent toolbags.
The second chapter opens with one character screaming IN FULL CAPS about how ANGRY HE IS and how he's going to KILL SOME PONIES.
Look.
I'm not trying to be mean. I'm really not. I made an honest-to-celestia attempt to read this and enjoy it, but I was just incapable of doing so.
Omnipotent characters making pop-culture references, being douchebags to Celestia, making dumb bets with each other about singing songs, are quite simply, never a good idea.
Ever.
In fact, a small part of me thinks, (and indeed, REALLY HOPES) that this is some elaborate trolling ruse.
If it is? MISSION A-FLIPPIN-COMPLISHED.
This was a great chapter in my opinion. I don't nitpick, I look at the concept and the story for what it is. Sure, there's a grammar mistake here and there, one or twice part of the dialogue was impossible to understand who was talking, but other than that, this was great. Had a big grin on my face for the most part, and chuckled at the Fluttershy part. Well worth my time!
ReplyDelete@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteWhile I disagree with you on some matters, I can see why you would think that about Tome and the Brotherhood, and that's a valid opinion that will be considered. Your two other points, I have to argue though.
My first argument is not a major one, but it's just about this complaint you have that we didn't see the statue's theft. There was originally an entire scene at the royal archives showing and explaining how the Reaper's Horn was stolen, but the thing is that chapter one was already nine thousand words long, and the pre-reader who passed this pointed out, rightfully so, that the original version had too many POVs going on at once, and that was still without a scene explaining the statue theft. When those scenes were left in, it killed the pacing and cluttered the story with too many POVs at once, because the theft would have taken the POV of other brotherhood members. I have to manage what I've got. Maybe that's not an accepable excuse to you, but either way if you want reason, it's there.
My other complaint is that you keep trying to add Mary Sue connotations to the human characters. I can see why you'd think that, I honestly do. Being overpowered is one of the defining traits of one. But that is not what this is. I'm not a channer or an artist. Contrary to what you think, I actually have nothing in common with this character. The human is a character, and his powers are plot point. That's the driving question of the story. "Why does this idiot have these powers?" I wrote this guy to be the villain of the story, someone who you're supposed to side with the heroes against, and the powers are meant to make him a credible threat to the also powerful characters like Celestia and Spike. I personally find comparing me to this character to be insulting, and I wish you would stop insinuating such things.
In Chapter 2 I enjoyed the Soft Spoken's charactor, nice to see Princess Celestia remember the mane six, and glad to see Spike is still around.
ReplyDeleteBut I got a question.
What does the human and the brotherhood really want? Freedom, food, or justice for wrong doing? I don't know.
@Hayguard
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's a spoiler as such to tell you that the food thing was a one off joke that people seem to have taken seriously. Obviously the humans weren't really unable to find food otherwise they really would've died. Though they weren't lying when they said they couldn't cook.
The brotherhood meanwhile essentially believe that Celestia is a secret tyrant or something and want her gone, and Second's motivation comes into play later. Revenge is obviously on the list, but he has long term goals too.
This story seems to be getting interesting. I can really see the humans as Q-like reality warpers, but also as parodies of bronies. Keep on writing, but please try to avoid the pitfall of writing what your fans want. The best stories are about what the writer likes to write. :)
ReplyDeleteHmmmm I sense a Runescape reference in here...
ReplyDeleteKeep writing this man, I and lots of other people are following it, its awesome. The humour between First and Second is handled well without breaking the suspense, and you manage to keep plot details mysterious and enthralling without revealing nothing at all. Epic.
ReplyDeleteI think Sliske probably is turning out to be a good guy.It just seems right for him to have a change of heart.
ReplyDeleteThat description O_o
ReplyDeletesemi-spoilers to follow.
ReplyDeletethat was better, actually. it's still confusing a bit but that's because you have a lot going on at the moment. i'm guessing some of these threads are going to combine in the future. but then again, i like Robert Jordan so multiple threads at once don't phase me as much as some.
overall, human-as-villain worries me. i, uhm, actually like my fingers and i read a ton of early fanfictions that followed the HumansAreBastards trope to the extreme so i'm wary when there aren't any good humans to balance things out or when humans are too evil. so far, you're not sticking to that trope entirely and there is a reason for Second to be the villain here (not necessarily a great reason but one nonetheless). i'd like to see more reason behind his initial douchebaggery, to be honest. unless it was just a game to him. that's still pretty mean. also, he's not as mind-blowingly annoying now that he's introduced (i guess loosing your best friend tends to make pop-culture stuff less funny). still, a look back at their pre-Equestrian selves might be an interesting aside.
Tome-as-dick was a bit out of left field. he seemed like a bumbling idiot at first, now he's pulling a gun on his butler? of course, when your plan starts falling apart, peop-er, ponies can react badly. still, i'm hoping he has a heart-to-heart with both Soft and his son.
overall, it's picking up a bit and the annoyance factor has gone down by a magnitude. also, i like the bit at the end, the explanation on how he has his 'powers' was nice. i'm assuming the First was more literary? anyway, very interesting. i've seen similar done before but not quite the way you have it.
uhm, yeah. sorry if i was too much of a meanie on my first post. i, uhm, don't like being mean and i hope you didn't take it that way. sorry...
@Minalkra
ReplyDeleteHey, what kind of brony would I be if I couldn't forgive and forget? It's all cool. You saw a flawed story and pointed out it's flaws. That's good. It gives me something to go on. You were certainly a lot more polite about it than a few other commenters were, and I respect that.
Hm. Let's try this again, now I've gotten some sleep and aren't quite so snarky.
ReplyDeleteOkay... so the humans are the villains?
To be fair, me not getting this may have been my fault. I originally thought it was another set of humans coming to Equestria, and then Second coming back. Then get some sort of human-fight-human thing.
Really, the characterisation of the ponies was, to be honest, flimsy at best, and non-existent at worst.
I will admit, maybe I missed something. I skimmed through sections involving the ponies since there seemed to be no actual characters to pay attention to. And I slowed down for the bits with the humans for how arrogant they were.
Wether or not they are based on you is irrelevant. The simple fact of humans coming to Equestria and being omnipotent makes it SEEM as such, regardless of your intent.
But yeah, that second chapter with the capslock and the yelling on several lines about how angry he is is really kind of a red flag.
Like I said before, I'm not trying to be mean for the sake of being mean, and I think this idea could be good, it's just the humans are grating, and the ponies are the equivalent of moving cardboard standees.
First off, I love your story DannyJ and can't wait to see more. That being said I would like to take this opportunity to respectfully disagree with many of the comments I've read here.
ReplyDeleteI am very surprised and frankly amused at the outrage over the pop culture references that First and Second make. My friends, this whole site is dedicated to pop culture albeit in a very specific way but pop culture nonetheless. Why this whole community is positively perforated with memes and tropes of every kind and to my mind that is one of the many things that make this community such a joy to be a part of. I challenge you next time you are hanging out with friends to count how many pop culture jokes are sprinkled through out the conversation. Some of my fondest memories from my high school days are of me and all of my buddies sitting around at a table playing D&D and shooting Monty Python and Lord of the Rings quotes back and forth. Did we have our own original inside jokes sure but that's what friends do, they gab about all the pop culture stuff they are interested in and First and Second seem to have been very very good friends.
Now some of you may find First and Second's characters to be just plain annoying above and beyond the pop culture references. If that is the case, more power to ya, it certainly wouldn't be proper of me to try and change your mind. However, I would like to say to DannyJ that I find them very enjoyable characters. I'm not sure if this was intentional but First and Second's banter remind me of Croup and Vandemar from Neil Gaiman's novel Neverwhere. I love how First and Second represent the trite and capricious nature of humanity that is such an antithesis to ponydom. I would be very sad indeed if they were to change over much.
Some of you had problems with the pony characters. Saying that they were boring and dull. To that all I can say is, give the man some time guys! Take the Hobbit for example. When all those dwarfs bust in and start naming themselves; Dwalin, Balin, Kili, Fili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, and Thorin, we didn't know them from Adam. All we knew was that they were all dwarfs, had beards, and had hoods. On my first reading they all bled together, I couldn't tell them apart but we knew they were destined for adventure and along the way we got to meet some of the most classic and epic characters in literature. I believe that DannyJ can give us epic characters as well given time.
I'm about done here and if anyone is still reading this I tip my hat to you :). I'm gonna wrap up by saying DannyJ you can't make everyone happy. Stick to your vision and YOU will be happy and so will many others, I know I will be. I also want to apologize if anyone is offended by what I've said. My intent is not to start any flame wars or anything and I respect anyone who may disagree with me. In fact I would love to have further discussion if you do. I do sincerly mean what I've said though.
DannyJ thank you so much for the great story. I can't wait for more.
-love and tolerance to all.
@Varangian
ReplyDeleteMy thanks to you for your kind words.
Sad to say though, Second is going to change, and in fact already has. Chapter 3 is already up on Fimfiction. Though some may find his antics with First amusing, that obviously can't be the focus of the story, and I need to set him up against the heroes.
Some people hate Second, and given that he's the villain that should be a good thing, but I can't help but think some of them hate him for the wrong reasons, namely for his powers and banter with First, rather than his actions as a character. I'm trying to turn that around, but it is difficult to do.
@Chapter 2
ReplyDeleteA faceful of caps a good impression does not make. Is it odd that I like the Celestia/Sliske parts more than the OC ponies part? - I think you do better when your scenes don't contain so many, i.e. more than two characters. I admit, I pretty much skimmed part the part with Mystic Chant, which is a shame because I see some decent, if not good scene-building at work.
A couple of derps here and there, namely "it's" instead of "its", a missing closing quotation mark with Luna's dialogue early-middle, missing "the" in "the Great and Powerful T.", "the night princess" - really? - proof-reading stuff.
@Chapter 3
Plenty of italics abuse. =\ the characterization just falls apart into randomness after Ancient Tome awakens from his stupor - how do these ponies switch moods so darn quickly? - the Spike part is just off-tangent, imo, and the alicorns are surprisingly underpowered.
Even so, like I've said, you have an interesting idea. I'm just worried that you're burying it too deeply under a slew of OCs that should have stayed as background characters, minor errors, and a possibly shallow direction (everything culminates in an epic fight, the end).
P.S. Your efforts to please as many readers as possible and your humility is noble, though if you're approaching burnout (the point where you just get really frustrated, and decide to quit long-term), loosen up. "You can't please everyone" is a golden rule, and as long as it isn't an excuse you should stick to it. Again, I'd love to see you work with something much less challenging or scattered. You've got some imagination there.
@Yours sincerely
ReplyDeleteI fixed the quotation mark and 'the' that you pointed out. Thank you, by the way. Not sure what to do about the its/it's issue. Some spellchecks I use say I'm doing it right and others say it's wrong. I don't know what to make of that.
You say you have a problem with some of the OCs. I've heard that a lot. Could you elaborate a bit? Obviously you don't have a problem with all of them if you said you liked Sliske's parts, so which ones specifically are a problem?
Sorry about the italics too by the way. The style is to use italics for thoughts and Sliske's dialouge, and unfortunately there's a lot of both in part 3.
This story is really starting to pick up, I can't wait for you to explain his beef with the Equestrian world.
ReplyDeleteAnd let me guess, Chain is able to harm Second because he is a decendent of Pinkie Pie, that fourth wall breaking ball of energy.
Oh, look. He pulled a Ferrari out of his ass. Then had a breakdown because something didn't go his way. Such brilliant and revolutionary characterization.
ReplyDeleteTo quote the overused to death meme you just couldn't resist spouting : "Cool story, bro."
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteIt's what he started drawing at the end of the second chapter. And do you have to be so rude about everything? I can understand the first few comments because this was a new story you probably wanted to check out, but if the story pisses you off so much, why are you still reading it well into part 3, and why are you still complaining about it? I know you're entitled to voice an opinion on something you don't like, but it's abundantly clear by now that you don't like this story because of it's premise, and because of that you will never like it. Why are you still here? Why are you reading this? Because if it's just so you can leaving insulting comments you've officially become a troll.
What would happen if Firewall and Second met?
ReplyDelete@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteFirewall? Who's that? I feel like it's someone I should know, but the name doesn't sound familiar.
So Ancient Tome is a descendent of Twilight? TWIST!
ReplyDelete@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :) Naw man, I completely understand and you've more than earned my trust and confidence. I know whatever you wright will be flippin awesome! Off to read chapter three, thanks DannyJ.
@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteI've been still reading it in hopes that someone who obviously has the technical skill to write readable prose, like yourself, might develop some sense of literary technique in the process of writing.
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteI don't see that. You've been very passionate in voicing your undying hatred for this story and the way it is written since your very first comment, not once have you ever mentioned a single element that you liked, and you've taken a very aggressive and personal tone throughout.
If you really believe even half the things you've said about this story so far, I don't see why you would think I had any 'technical skill', or still hold out hope for the story, and even if you did think that about me, I don't understand why you have to be so insulting to me about it. To be honest, I'm actually a little hurt by the way you've reacted to this whole thing.
@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteHonestly? Because this story is such utter drivel that it has no business being on EqD in the first place. The only saving grace, as Whiteout mentions, is that there are few grammatical/spelling errors which seem common in other fics of this "quality".
But EqD has standards, hence why there are a bunch of prereaders and a massive rejection rate for fics being submitted. Yours slipped through the cracks, having been okayed by a single prereader who likes humans in equestria stories. It should never had been let through, and wouldn't really be missed if taken down.
Pop culture references, mary sue characters does not a story make.
@Tchernobog
ReplyDelete>Yours slipped through the cracks, having been okayed by a single prereader who likes humans in equestria stories.
You've stated that the quality of the content is low but you don't give any concrete examples of how. I can't understand how you can dismiss this fic merely based on its genre; how about actually giving specific, constructive criticism to make your comments sound less... whiny?
Sorry if I come off as harsh. I just really don't like the idea of blind hating, and I can't tell whether you're hating blindly or not based on your comments.
@Yours sincerely
ReplyDeleteBecause examples have been given already numerous times?
Fine: Singing "jizz in my pants" in front of Celestia, with her powerless to do anything.
The level of idiocy, immaturity, and just flat out lack of taste this displays makes me want to bash my head against the wall.
You ask to offer constructive criticism... the only one I could really offer is to have this taken down and published elsewhere, so that the standards of EqD can rise again. It isn't the "genre" that I'm arguing against, I've nothing against humans in stories (my little dashie, even if it isn't in equestria, for example). It's the CONTENT of this story. It's just so completely idiotic, it is sad to see that people are lapping it up.
I cannot understand how this is getting such positive attention from so many, whereas many other, better constructed and written fics are lying by the wayside...
If anyone, I'm the one that's sounding harsh, but I truly believe this fic has no place here.
Which OCs? The pony ones. Ancient Tome's aunt/sister, the members of the human-worshipping cult and probably Ancient Tome's son as well. They seem to exist to fill the role of "make the cult seem not so small" and that alone. There's only so much space in a paragraph, and having to develop all of them - even descriptors and names alone - is like carrying around extra baggage. Going through the trouble of developing them well doesn't advance the plot very much either. It's... inefficiency, and it seems to weigh down the fic, having to describe all if not most of their actions and thoughts and personalities. IMO, you've got enough POVs to present the story comprehensively: Ancient Tome's, Celestia's, and Sliske's. Any more characters in the picture crowds them out.
ReplyDeleteSpike, too, seems awfully contrived, like he was stuck in the plot with uberpowers simply to add a DBZesque aspect to the fic. Maybe the transition from baby dragon to savior of Equestria is just too big a jump for me to accept.
"Its" is possessive, used for showing that something belongs to something: its structure, its breath. "It's" is everything else. Forget your spellchecker. >:D
Funnily, I don't think your characters count as Sues. Your setting is "humans are the ultimate power", and so your humans "make sense". The pop culture references are grating, but not unbearable. It's all about suspense of disbelief, as /fic/ likes to call it.
@Chapter 4:
>"Dude," Spike shouted, "Not cool!"
No need for the bold formatting (not shown here), and an incorrect caps.
Luna's dialogue is sort of distracting, given that a big fight's going on. Perhaps having her hold the dummy ball in this chapter isn't such a good idea.
The general use of italics for thought is:
Thoughts, said X, without quotation marks. It's just an automatic negative response I get when I see italics and quotes used together.
"much cleaner and smarted looking" - smarter?
"whose going" - who's
Things you have done good in this chapter, though: the bridge-as-a-blender mechanism, which is nothing short of a stroke of inspiration. I know what I said up there, but I think you've done Gold Coin up well, too. Making him a stubborn yet on-the-fence, slightly loony chara is something you've done rather well.
You've also managed to make Second a passable character. I can't find any complaint against him, but then again I've accepted his deity powers relatively well. And that twist at the end totally (imo) balances him out. The twist is good but lacks punch, since it took me a while to remember who [name] was.
Might I introduce you to Ponychan's /fic/? There's a rather industrious reviewing system there, and you can get all sorts of detailed concrit to work out the kinks of each chapter, if you like. That way you won't have to wait until the EqD updates to get in-depth feedback.
FUS-RO-DAH!
ReplyDeleteIt had to be done x)
@Tchernobog
ReplyDeleteAh, okay. I see where you're coming from. It's true; if I were to look at this sternly as a reviewer, I'd have to say tone them down. I can't say anything about others, but I guess it's the spark of the idea that I like in this fic - that this is a really thin tightrope that the author's trying to write, and whether or not he's about to fall depends on which angle you're looking at him from. Again, it's suspension of disbelief, and somehow for this one I managed to suspend it long enough to give it a shot. I'm in this to see how it continues, but mostly to help DannyJ improve. He's proven himself to get great ideas, and as I've mentioned, I'd love to see what he can do with something less hard-to-navigate.
The spark in question? Most HiE is self-insert where they ship/befriend themselves with the Mane 6. This one gives the humans deity powers outright, makes them the villains, plays them off as obnoxious and malicious, complete with their own cult (which they shun), and has Celestia face them off. The humans can and do feel pain, and are bound to rules (the threads) which drive them psychotic. They're unlikeable, but not having it easy either. Balanced in a dynamic, loose sense. Maybe I just detest self-insert shipping, but that's how I found this to be a much better take to the HiE genre.
Why so much hate? If I don't like something I criticize then leave, shaking the dust from my sandals. Ask yourselves, what would ponies do?
ReplyDeleteNow on to the real meat of the comment.
I love First and Second, even more so now that I know they're father and son. My dad and I have about the maturity of a 14-year-old when it comes to humor, and while we don't sing (we're not that cruel) we would be snarky as hell in Equestria. I know they're the villains, and they'll get (or have gotten) what's coming to them but I'm cheering for them anyway.
Also, unless I am wrong, there is a very good reason for their powers. Especially given that Second appears to be using art based powers. Connect the dots.
@ DannyJ
Good job not letting the hate get to you. Just keep on writing and I will be glad to read.
@Yours sincerely
ReplyDeleteYou know something? I really like you. You've been very polite this whole time, and you're very helpful. You really have an eye for catching grammatical errors too. I'll consider your comment when writing chapter 5. Human has been an interesting challenge for me, but I'm glad I tried it because there are always readers like you who genuinely want to help me improve.
@Tchernobog
You on the other hand? Hmmmm. I think the nicest way to put it is that you annoy me. Sincerely's right. You've provided almost no actual constructive criticism in any of your comments so far, just raging that the story is here in the first place. Even when asked directly for actual advice on the story, you just said to get it off the site completely. I mean, I know I've had my disagreements with Whiteout, but he actually does point out flaws in the story. You're just getting needlessly mad.
My advice? Calm down. You don't like the story, so if I were you I'd stop reading right now and go read something you do enjoy, prefferably a nice six star story by one of the big name writers with no humans, and stop getting yourself needlessly angry. It's not good for your blood pressure, believe me I know.
@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteI'm not actually mad, however my posts make it sound. I'm just sorely disappointed at the people who like this, lapping this up like it is the nectar of the gods.
The problem with constructive criticism, is that it isn't actually POSSIBLE to give any without completely changing the story in the first place. Change the humans to ponies, remove the pop culture references, and perhaps make them not so blatantly mary-sue, then this story might actually be okay.
But until then? No, not really. It's just... bad, and is an example of what should *not* be submitted to EqD.
@Tchernobog
ReplyDeleteWell I know that's wrong because people have been giving me constructive criticism all throughout the comments both here and on Fimfiction. My authors notes are all about me addressing criticisms and explaining how I responded to them. If you can't think of any criticism other than "change the entire story because I don't like the premise" then you're not qualified to be criticising it anyway. If you hate the entire story just because it's humans and you don't like that they have powers, that isn't a problem with the story, it's just you being childish and selfish, and insulting any readers who do actually like it is low.
the fusk am I reading? Who give's two shits, ya nerds? It's just a fanfic and if you don't like it don't read it, honestly you all need to get a life if you're going to debate the maturity and realisticness of something madeup in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI think the best metric you can apply here is the character litmus test.
ReplyDelete"Are they interesting and worthwhile to read about? If no, they are a bad character."
It's pretty obvious you need an editor badly. The stuff you're posting might be good, but the pacing is off, the dialogue is atrocious, and you're not maintaining any sense of dramatic tension at all.
Starting out your chapters by informing the audience of the awesome scene they just missed, then filling page upon page of the fic with the incredibly boring details of the cult getting to Canterlot really takes all sense of urgency out of the reader.
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteWell that's the thing, how interesting you find a given character is incredibly subjective. I've heard almost every main character so far both praised and trashed depending on who I talk to and to what point in the story they've read.
I find your comment about pacing interesting though. If you wouldn't mind, could you please give a few further examples so I can get a better idea of what you mean?
You know what? I don't even have to critique this any more. You're doing it yourself.
ReplyDelete"The light grimdark tag on EqD is coming into play now, because now we're gonna start killing off some characters. Those of you that thought some of the Brotherhood members were a tad unnecessary now see their purpose: Cannon fodder. I know, I know. Making characters to be cannon fodder is poor practice, but you know what? I need some ponies to die in certain places in this fic, and I really don't have time to to make sure the audience builds an emotional attatchment to each of them. Besides, they were all villains. If I did devote time to trying to give them a character before I killed them off, would anyone have actually been sad when they died? Thought not. "
You are too damn lazy to bother writing characters for your audience to care about, much less detailing -any- plot-important scene that would be interesting to read.
It's clear to me now that this is simply a trollfic, and I regret having wasted any time attempting to suggest improvements to it.
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteNo. Please. Stop. Come back. You're so important to me.
@ Danny J
ReplyDeleteCaptain, my scanners are picking up up dangerous levels of sarcasm.
Otherwise though, it's nice to see my suspicions in regard to second's true identity were correct, but the gun caught me by surprise. Well done.
@psychicscubadiver
ReplyDeleteReally? I thought the gun part was obvious and Second's identity was subtle.
Then again, different readers have correctly guessed both, and other things not yet revealed, while others get those same things way off.
Different strokes for different folks I guess. Well done on guessing right.
This entire story is a metaphor of 4Chan's effect on the fandom, right?
ReplyDeleteThis story is torn to pieces in the comments but "Dear Idiot" is five stars?
ReplyDeleteI don't get you guys.
@Nickel Gunner
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, it's an HiE story. Prejudices are hard to beat. The whole purpose of writing this is that it'll be a challenge to get people to like it. I consider it earning even a four star rating a massive success.
Nearly all of my favorite stories involve humans.
ReplyDeleteThessalonica
Dread Chitin
Through the Eyes
MLD
Dresden crossovers
Article 2
Heat and Desire
Mystery Pinkie Pie Theatre 3000
Then again there are plenty of human stories I won't touch. Like that one where AJ and the vietnam vet fall in love but he goes crazy from PTSD and she has to kill him...
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteWoah wait. Back up there a moment.
Aj and a vietnam vet.
Fall in love.
He does crazy from PTSD.
She has to kill him.
---------
Could I get a link to this? That sounds like the most simeltaneously cringe inducing and funniest thing I've ever heard. Please tell me it comes with a dramatic reading?
@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteHere. And I was wrong. He kills himself.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/06/story-out-of-jungle.html
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteI am disappointed to see a lack of dramatic readings on youtube. Clearly, one needs to be created.
I wonder if my brother has a microphone?
Again, a couple of minor issues, e.g. "He eager to learn", "knew not to speak" should be "knowing not to..." as the trait is a presently continuous one, the use of "fur" where "coat" would be more appropriate.
ReplyDeleteThe action scenes are also... I'm not sure what's the word for it. You're telling us what's going on, but not showing. It's very much "this pony did this. that pony did that". Maybe more thoughts, feelings, sensations to help us imagine the scene stronger would be an improvement, though I'm not fan of writing action myself. The significantly higher degree of brutality is also odd. I'm probably better with Grimdarky stuff than the average reader, but it felt really out-of-place to me. Not the nature of the deaths, but the frequency - to have a few near-deaths scattered about, and then multiple (fairly) gruesome ones in the same chapter - the flow doesn't feel right, to me.
Interestingly, although you have the Brotherhood holding the idiot ball (how else could Chameleon have lost to a businesspony and a foal?), it doesn't bother me too much because they're not really developed, as should have been the case. The whole cannon fodder cast is, personally, bad taste, but it's the best way out with this fic. Perhaps you can carry this understanding on to your future endeavors.
I'm not sure where I stand with this. The immense telling instead of showing (giving actions without insight into the characters' feelings, thoughts yadda) is sucking the interest out of a wacked-out-not-in-a-bad-way plot, and I'm second-guessing myself when deciding whether to continue reading or not. If I do, I'll comment as so; if I don't, I will look out for your other works.
@Yours sincerely
ReplyDeleteCould you expand a bit on that "frequency" of deaths thing? I don't quite get your meaning.
@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteI think what they mean is that the story went from pushing a PG-13 rating straight into an NC-17 rating in a single chapter due to bringing the death toll from 0 to whatever it is now rather quickly.
Yes there are scenes like this in movies I have seen where almost all the killing happens in one or two scenes, so I'm personally not of the same opinion.
To be fair, there were deaths in the story before, just not on-screen ones. The sudden shift to killing named characters off left and right is a little jarring( Especially since we do have some attachment to them after reading they're the original six's kids. Great great ad infinitum, but still).
ReplyDeleteI'm honestly confused as to why you went into this direction. Including all these potentially interesting antagonists, just to kill them off when we began to learn a little bit about them. Mind you, I'm sure you have a good reason; I just don't know how to feel about it. You said you needed ponies to die at specific points in the story, and they were to be the cannon fodder for that. My question would be: Why? They were villains, so they would die. But they weren't important villains, so their deaths weren't really important. If their deaths weren't important to begin with, how can they be integral to the story? for that matter, what were those deaths supposed to show us?
I'm... a little lost.
@Nickel Gunner
ReplyDeleteThe brotherhood acts both as an organisation and through individual members. If they get into a battle, there will obviously be casualties on the side of Celestia's royal guards, but it's unrealistic for the brotherhood to come out of an incident of such a scale unscathed.
Since the brotherhood is only thirteen ponies, twelve with the loss of Gold Coin, that means that all casualties on their side would be named characters, because a group of only thirteen ponies can hardly have redshirts.
On the other end of scale though, as well as not getting away with just writing the characters as redshirts, I also would not get away with giving each individual member a ten page backstory before I offed them, because the story would just drag.
The brotherhood tried to battle Celestia's forces, and the story direction determines that they lose. In order to lose, they had to experience deaths or injuries.
Ergo, the two that died.
Ah. That makes sense. Perfect sense, actually. And Sliske killed one because he's a villain, and kept going on about her rottenness because he's a hypocrite.
ReplyDelete@Nickel Gunner
ReplyDeleteIt's not so much meant to show hypocrisy as it is that he's fucking crazy, but yeah, that's the gist of it.
@DannyJ
ReplyDeleteThere's a difference between character exposition and characterization.
Quite frankly I don't like to gush, it is a stream of insignificant babbling on the fans side of the conversation going over every little and big thing that fan likes about whatever they are talking about. My point is, is that I am finding it increasingly harder to not maintain my cold and personally revered spot on top of Mt. CoolBreeze and freak out over your story and how much I enjoy it.
ReplyDelete"Celestia and her captain whipped their heads around and saw two strange pink creatures sitting in the princess's chariot."
ReplyDeleteWell there's your problem right there, Celestia. They're white humans. Don't sign any treaties with them, keep them away from the buffalo, and for the love of God don't let them take any ponies for a "friendly boat ride" on a cargo ship. Trust me on this. It won't end well.
Alright, finally go around to reading the rest and first of all, I'm sorry, but fuck those OCs. It got to the point where I just mouse-scrolled past their sections on sight. Explodey McGee is the *only* exception. Its all good tho cuz I'm mighty impressed w/ our Big Bad Human. I mean anti-magic is powerful but passive. Drawn to Life/Scribblenaut powers? Ok. Now you've got my attention.
ReplyDeleteGRIMDARK ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED
-Killed Celestia w/ a shotgun
oh and about First's "horrible truth" hey, um, couldn't you pull that doppleganger trick with the IRL human race?
"You were a side character," First explained, "You played a part in the story, but you weren't the focus. Twilight Sparkle was probably the most important one, with the other elements just below her, and with Applejack at the very bottom, below Spike."
ReplyDeleteHi. First off all, I think the concept of your fanfiction is a very solid one, mr. DannyJ. Every time I read one chapter, I always find myself reading them all.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this would make the story more interesting, but I think there should be a time when First explain to Celestia about the existence of Equestria's "expanded universe" (thinking about Equestria Daily, FimFiction, etc) and that the audience of MLP:FiM is composed no only by young children, besides the legions of bronies and pegasisters.
Hm, I don't really know if this next one would fit at all, but since you brough USA to this, there would be nice if there are other humans on Equestria, or just one as a lawyer with international experience saying to this new "knights of Man" something like: "since USA has any kind of influence here, legal nor another, as for it's self-proclaimed agents or another individual with roots to USA, your actions against the state of Equestria or any of it's subjets, the princesses included, are not legally legitimate. Therefore, you, pegasus, and your acquaintances, whose called yourselves "Knights of Man", are to remain outside of this castle. As for the itens, they are to remain here, being spoils of the conflict and evidence on investigations being currently performed. And, since you clearly has no connection with USA, I highly suggest that you don't do it anymore, under the risk of offense against that country. Good night."
Sorry, but the idea of someone breaking the spine of this new group with legal terms would be awesome. Sorry again for this being this long.
I've been reading this long enough I feel it's time to toss you some feedback. Flipping through the comments it looks like you're getting some very mixed feedback. Pretty much par for the course for HiE. I'd stick with your plan and not let the comments get to you too much. I read one fic where a canon character pulled a personality 180 after a string of comments and the result was enough to make me stop mid-chapter and never come back. Glad to see you read these, but don't try to please everypony (we had an episode on this).
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I just wanted to say that despite it's flaws, I have enjoyed it so far. The OC thing did make it a bit hard to follow at first, I'll give that to the commenters, but henchmen in other works tend not to get a lot of backstory either. A good editor wouldn't hurt either, there's a few mechanics/flow issues that need corrected, but that's fixable. The immaturity from the humans and pop-culture references probably could have been played differently, but you're going for an effect (hard to cast someone as immature without them acting it) and I can't fault you for a quick laugh while you still could. As for the mary-sue issue, First and Second are definitely in that territory, but the premise is intriguing enough to give them a bit of a pass. Tread very carefully though.
Anyways, I'm putting it in the 3/4 star range at the moment. Not the best, but still an amusing read. I've chatted with an EqD pre-reader or two (despite not being an author), and they very much seem to know what they're doing (I believe they're all authors with well rated fics themselves). Whether or not the comments agree, they obviously had a reason to approve it, and they've done something to earn the responsibility of making that call.
Also, you fooled at least me with the "Reapers Horn". I'm not sure what I was thinking, but it definitely wasn't "combat shotgun".
@eaglehooves
ReplyDeletewoulda been funny if it were actually just a dildo (w/ balls) and they just had no idea what the hell a actual gun looked like. XD
I really feel that this fic's biggest issue is that every time you cut away from Second bringing da muthafuckin ruckus, it feels very "WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY!"-ish.
ReplyDeleteStill, there are far worse fics strutting around with a Star-5 tag.
yayy new update :D
ReplyDelete@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteYou are saying this about a fic containing a character named Throatfuck.
Think about that for a moment.
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteOh hai thar Whiteout. I see you're still reading this even though you said you wouldn't anymore.
This is a genius fic. I friggin love this fic.
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed how all of the pieces fit together so well-- Lots and lots of pieces. Much of the complexity is to generate comedy, and its great stuff. Example: A minor side character named Silver Vein, who ends up being fitted with a humiliating saddle just so Second can say "Hi ho Silver, Away!" when he rides her.
I love the character development. Hollywood script writers would be wise to learn how to do it like Human does it.
I love the twisted humor. When a foal sees his dead father's zombified corpse attacking, "Daddy's back!" The characters realize how stupid their situations can get, but they roll with it. And since it is a meme based reality, this universe allows for anything no matter how over the top. Reminds me of the way Red Dwarf used sci-fi to its most extreme limits.
Good work. Thanks for making the story twist and turn in unexpected ways. I never thought Celestia would come back as a zombie. It took me by surprise and I love that!