Author: Pen Palomino and Saddlesoap Opera
Description: After a particularly rough day Fluttershy decides to try a new assertiveness training method, which goes awry.Fluttersertive
Additional Tags: Episode-like, self-help, Bullying, Prince Toolblood
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[Comedy][Slice of Life]
Author: Pen Palomino and Saddlesoap Opera
Additional Tags: Episode-like, self-help, Bullying, Prince Toolblood
Sildid: Author: Pen Palomino, Author: S. Opera, comedy, Complete, Everypony, Fanfiction, Fluttershy, Slice of Life, Star-4, StoryShare This!
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31 kommentaari:
First! In your face applebloomismywaifu! >:3
VastaKustutaOoo comedy
VastaKustutaYou may be first, but did you read the Fan Fiction?
VastaKustutaPrince Toolblood?
VastaKustutaLol
@Ten_TaclesNice catch there xD
VastaKustutaI liked this story! I notice a couple of 'episode-like' ones have been popping up, which I approve of.
VastaKustutaAlthough I must say that Blueblood's appearence at the beginning felt kind of random and was never really explained, but apart from that it was very funny and well written.
I liked this story, but did not love it. As going by the description for each star I will have to give it a 3, even though the writing is really good. (Atleast I think so)
VastaKustutaI only have read the part with Prince ToolBlood and i kinda like it so far :L
VastaKustutaI honestly don't see how this story isn't 4.7-4.9. It was a great read, and it deserves better. =)
VastaKustutaThanks, you two.
It was...nice. It felt like an episode, and it had a fairly predictable pattern structure...functionally it was written in a readable fashion.
VastaKustutaIt wasn't really all that special though. It was too formulaic, and while I could see an episode like this in the show, I think the show could handle the subject better, and a bit more creatively, than this story did.
So I shall give it three stars out of five.
Whoopdee Doo is best fanon pony. Very nice!
VastaKustutaI don't know...
VastaKustutaI don't like how the aesop was delivered. they tell off Fluttershy's wrong-doings but nopony points a way to correct the problem that unchained all of these events, it's just leaved in "I'll work on them later"... At the end I feel disappointed because there was no character development.
The deliver itself was a little short and it felt sort of rushed.
Also, both Rainbow Dash and prince Douche were sort of random. This is especially noticable with the latter, because at the begining it looked like there was a second storyline turning around him and his visit to Ponyville (Pinkie was also sort of random but... You know... Pinkie.)
Oh! And there is this little niptick I have about Rarity that is the excesive use of the word "darling" (or in your case, "dah-ling"). It makes me feel like I'm reading G3 Rainbow Dash (which is odd because I never watched that show). It's just something that I read in a lot of fanfics and irks me a little. It's not really your fic's fault, it's just a problem I have.
I'll just leave this fic without any rating, since that's what I do with fics that leave me feeling indiferent (EqD needs an "indifferent" rating, it goes from "like" to "don't like" with nothing in between >_> )
I am... not quite at ease with this, because honestly, Fluttershy was in the right most/all of those occasions when assertive. It's like in Mare Do Well and Boast Busters, where for me at least the 'offending party' is less in the wrong than others. It's well-written and funny in places... but doesn't seem right.
VastaKustutaOf all the places for Chris Farley to pop up, Equestria is the last I expected.
VastaKustuta@Morrigan
VastaKustuta*DING-DING-DING-DING!*
Woo! We have a winner!
An internet for you, my good Brony, for catching the reference! :D
@Morrigan
VastaKustutaGlad someone else caught that
Matt Foley is the best pony.
Or would that be Matt Foaley?
And now I've actually finished the story, so I'll be able to say something almost-marginally useful!
VastaKustutaTo start with, just so I don't forget, I spotted a few typos. "The next morning, Fluttershy woke up an made her way to the kitchen." and "A sky-blue rainbow-maned Pegasus hoped down from the tiny low-hanging cloud upon which she’d been napping and stood between Fluttershy and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. She narrowed her eyes. “Now…are you gonna tell me what’s wrong with you – and why you are takin’ it out on little fillies – or do you wanna to pick a fight with someone your own size, ya big bully?!""
Just the three, though, so that's wonderful to see.
This was a very pleasant read. Not too quick, and that it's nearly all situational comedy bodes quite well with me. No jokes pop out and hit me in the head with themselves, as is my go-to analogy for most humor fics. As has been said, it sits rather comfortably in the realm of fics that could pass as an episode, which I love.
My one problem in the whole thing, and this may just be one of those niggling back-of-my head issues which bug me but don't actually mean anything to anyone else, is how Rainbow Dash only appears as the device for Fluttershy's realization, but is then quickly swept under the rug by nearly everyone else involved showing up before the scene fleshes itself out.
Again, maybe just me, but I thought I'd put it out there. It's great stuff, regardless, and I sincerely thank you two for making it.
@Saddlesoap I'd say the two of you should get one for putting it in in the first place.
My family watches Motivational Santa every Christmas season, when the holiday videos come out of the closet; Matt Foley has a place in my heart right alongside Rudolph and Frosty. It's a bit odd, now that I think of it.
@Pontius Possum
VastaKustutaIt is indeed Matt Foley.. The name Whoopdee Doo was taken right out of the sketch with Applegate and Spade.
@Morrigan
VastaKustutaThank you so much for your polite, balanced and well thought out feedback. I will get right on fixing those typos. As for Dash, she didn't really fit anywhere else in the story except that spot. I love RD and just really wanted all of the mane 6 included in some way, but also didn`t want the ending to drag out, since it is the main thing that irks me about a lot of writing of fanfic or otherwise. This was my first shot at writing fiction and I believe the first collaborative effort for Saddlesoap, so all of your thoughts will be considered when writing future works. Thanks for reading :)
It was hilarious and almost looked like a full episode set up. Nice.
VastaKustutaI personally liked this story.
VastaKustutaIt may not be the greatest thing ever written, but it does entertain while you read it, and that's what matters.
Some thoughts:
(imagine a 'spoiler' tag here)
At first I was thinking: "This is a Comedy fic?" I felt that the whole first day of the story could very well be used for a sad story. It worried me for a minute, but you turned it around quite nicely.
This story felt very episode-like, which is good, but I think it could have gone deeper explaining what those 'posh Ponies' were doing reviewing Ponyville, and Fluttershy's descent into her discorded self. (By the way, did you come up with the plot before or after the 'Return of Harmony'?)
I like it when authors include beloved background ponies with little supporting roles and you did that pretty good, also including Berryshi... Berry Punch's drinking problem. My favourite here was Angel Bunny. (Why did you call him 'Angel the Bunny' the first time you mention him, by the way? His name is Angel, and he's a bunny, all right, but why did you capitalize 'Bunny'? He is a bunny, and Bunny is part of his name. It's like calling RD 'Rainbow the Dash'. I admit it, this is a very small issue, but it did distract me for a minute while I was reading.)
I also like it when fics end in a Friendship report. To keep up with the current status of the show, the report should have been written by Fluttershy, though. If you happen to consider rewriting this (not necessary, really), you could update that, as this detail doesn't seem to affect the storytelling...
But really, why would you rewrite something that's already good.
As my granny used to say: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"...
Okay, my granny never said that, i made that up. ...But I think we're going off-topic here.
I thought that RD reaction was a tad off. I believe her reaction in reality would have been one with a little more confusion and a little less aggressiveness. I mean, this is her friend we're talking about. "What the hay is going with her?", she'll ask.
I have to agree with Mr. @gato about the 'dah-ling' thing. I always imagine G3 Rainbow Dash's brain being put in Rarity's body. Then,and for no good reason, I imagine Firefly's brain in the now vacant Rainbow Dash body and Minty's brain in Pinkie's body and everypony gets Faustified (it's a word!) and we have FiM! yay~
(/imaginary spoiler tag)
Overall, I enjoyed it. I probably wouldn't read it again, but I don't regret having read it in the first place, and I think you, authors for that.
Speaking of the authors... I'm pretty sure I shouldn't say this, but... Pen,... are you aware that 'palomino' is actually spanish for 'skidmark'? And I don't mean the 'rubber on pavement' skidmark, but the other kind of skidmark...
(Please don't hate me)
@BlueJay Chill
VastaKustutaNicely detailed review!
Though I rather think the last bit was kind of...unnecessary?
I mean, not only is that Spanish slang rather than "actually Spanish" (in this case, i believe the literal meaning would be "baby dove"), but it's also a term for a coat colour for horses. An extremely well-known coat colour for horses.
Which of those definitions do you suppose she had in mind? 0_0
@BlueJay Chill
VastaKustutaI will do my best to answer as much as i can here...
firstly. glad you enjoyed the read..
i did come up with the plot and many of the notes which were then run by saddlesoap waayyyyyyy before return to harmony. also... i believe the original was posted before lesson zero meaning TS was still writing all of the reports..
happy that you liked the fanon shoutouts and background characters..
Angel went from me referring to him as "Angel the bunny" to Saddlesoap correcting it to "Angel Bunny" but we must have missed a "the".. I am happy to edit that when i address some other typos which were brought to my attention.
Wording out Rarity's accent is difficult, given her boston brahmin inflections.. this style was adopted simply because it was common. adjustments will be considered in future writing.
as for my name.. Palomino is a breed of horse (my avatar is modeled after the actual breed) and Pen was added as a play on "Pen Pal"..
again.. thanks for the read and the feedback. take care.
@Saddlesoap
VastaKustutaTo be honest, I had absolutely no idea Palomino was also a coat color...
Colors for equines, as far as I know are yellow, orange, pink, sky blue, white, purple, red, etc.
I don't know much about horses that are not animated, but now I've learned something.
A quick Wikipedia search also taught me that 'Palomino' is, among others, a type of grape, a breed of rabbit and a strip club in Vegas (go figure!).
@PenPalomino
Gee, I feel undeservingly important getting replies from both authors...
I hadn't gotten the "Pen Pal" thing until you mentioned it... Good one.
Regarding accents... To be quite honest, I don't hear Rarity's having an accent on the show. Maybe it's because English isn't my first language, or maybe it is because I have an accent in real life and that makes me hear other unusual accents as normal, or whatever. The point is that, to me Rarity speaks very well, and that is nice. Applejack's accent I obviously hear. I'd have to be deaf as a brick not to hear that.
Speaking of AJ's accent... You did a very good job on your story with that. It felt very natural to me. I imagine it must be difficult to do the conversion from spoken accent to written accent, but I've seen it generally well done in this community, and you guys are no exception.
Oh, one last thing.
On my first post, when I said: "I think you, authors", I meant: "I thank you authors".
Apparently, mi finger slipped a little bit and ended up on the other side of the keyboard.
So thank you, Saddlesoap Opera and Pen Palomino (which I now know is a portmanteau of "Pen Pal" and the Palomino Strip clu-- er... coat color.)
OK, in the end Fluttershy was being a bully, but what about all the scenes before? I think her reactions were quite appropriate...
VastaKustutaJust read it, thought it was good. Especially as it's your first fic, I think you definitely should continue writing :)
VastaKustutaA couple story points niggled at me:
FS's first 3 reactions were all justified, that waiter deserved to be put in his place and didn't deserve a tip, that woman was being plain rude, and the mayor was asking for it (although she wasn't a bitch in the show). FS was certainly louder than one would expect, but there was no way I'd call that bullying, and I'd AJ to see things her way as the mayor stole her food the previous day.
Only continuing to berate the CMC was bullying, and I agree with a previous comment that RD wouldn't spring down and try to fight her. RD doesn't particularly care about the CMC, and she would have as much loyalty to FS as to them, I'd expect more confusion than anger towards her longest friend.
I also agree with the sudden ending comment and how they seemed to want FS to completely revert to her previous self. 3 of the 4 verbal cans of whoopass she handed out were deserved, she only needed to turn off caps lock really.
But all in all this is a good fic and I enjoyed it.
Okay, are you some sort of clairvoyant?
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaThis is basically the synopsis for the upcoming episode lol
VastaKustutaYour story is so good, that hasbro is turning it into a real episode... That deservers 4 1/2 internets. Congrats, brony. (yes i am aware they did not actually turn this into a episode, it's just a coincidence... YOU STILL GET THE INTERNETS THOUGH)
VastaKustutathanks all. no i am not psychic but i am amused that an idea i came up with sometime last year is coincidently the theme of an upcoming episode. this saturday is going to be interesting.
VastaKustuta