Equestrian Inquirer Issue #16

It's that time of the week again! Have some onion style pony news!

As always, you can find their archive, and the actual 16th issue here!

And the video version here!

Full Copy Paste after the break. 


Issue #16

SCOOTALOO’S SONIC RAINBOOM

CAUSES SURPRISINGLY LITTLE DAMAGE

By Joe Stevens

            Unreliable Sources have confirmed that Ponyville resident Scootaloo has successfully created a Sonic Rainboom. As most ponies know, a Sonic Rainboom has the explosive potential of several thousand tons of TNT and has been labeled as a weapon of mass destruction by both the Equestrian Armed Forces and the Chinese People’s Liberation Army. Despite these previously established dangers, the Sonic Rainboom Scootaloo set off caused surprisingly little damage. It seems that upon reaching the barrier of sound and magic and all things beautiful and good contained within the fabric of reality, the breaking of which causes the reaction commonly referred to as a Sonic Rainboom, Scootaloo somehow was able to break through this barrier without causing more than a minor flash of light that set off only a semi-joyful, nearly-transcendent explosion that did little more than startle a nearby team of ducks.
            We caught up with Scootaloo after her meager-explosive feat had been completed, and she had this to say, “Oh my gosh oh my gosh did you see that it was so awesome and I blew up those ducks do I have a cutie mark of an exploding duck cause that would be cool actually no that would be lame – how about a blowing up cloud or something or at least a mushroom cloud darn it I thought this was how Rainbow Dash got her cutie mark…” the quote continued but this reporter’s pencil broke.
            Of course while the Sonic Rainboom Scootaloo created did not cause any damage, the fifteen hundred pounds of c4, dynamite, firecrackers, and elaborately arranged springs duct taped to a launching pad that Scootaloo used to catapult herself fast enough to break the sound and magic barrier, these items destroyed dozens of buildings, blasted out windows in Ponyville, and created a forty foot wide crater in the Everfree Forest. Sadly for Scootaloo, she did not receive a cutie mark in causing massive property damage, as was perhaps her intention.

In related news, Rainbow Dash, the only other pony to be able to create a Sonic Rainboom, could not be reached for comment, as she was busy trying to teach her pet, Tank, how to also create a Sonic Rainboom. We can all join together as Equestrians in the hope that this never happens.

THE LAW REQUIRING ALL CAPABLE PONIES TO GROW A MUSTACHE

HAS BEEN REPEALED

            Also, Rarity is no longer allowed in government offices.

PRINCESS CELESTRIA DISCONTINUES

“NO CUTIE MARK LEFT BEHIND” POLICY

By Freddy Baxter

Unreliable Sources have confirmed that Princess Celestia is discontinuing her “No Cutie Mark Left Behind” policy. This comes as a relief to teachers and educational institutions across Equestria, as the policy has been proven to be completely ineffective in producing quality cutie marks on the flanks of growing fillies and colts.

            The policy was intended to use standardized tests and the prodding of various pointy objects to guarantee that any pony who entered the Equestrian educational system earned his or her cutie mark. However, the results of the policy have caused unwanted results. Cherilee, a teacher in Ponyville, stated, “I’m doing nothing but teaching ponies how to sing, dance, and construct forts. One of the tests is how to fall out of a cloud and have forest critters rescue you. Do you know how impossible that is to make happen? And don’t get me started on the amount of explosives I need to make a decent replica of a Sonic Rainboom.”
            Along with ineffective and dangerous testing techniques, apparently the policy has led to very poor cutie marks. Reports of cutie marks bearing images of broken glass, oil spills, and hidden prophecies fortelling the downfall of all of pony kind are just some of the cutie marks that are causing concern. We can all hope that in the future, no such cutie marks will be spawned.

Gumshoe’s Corner

(EI Muckraker Section)

FLUTTERSHY AIDS IN PEACE TALKS

By Gumshoe

            Continuing our coverage of peace talks between the nation of Zavros and Camelu, it seems that Twilight Sparkle’s attempts to broker peace were once again a complete failure. The dispute is over certain lands that were ceded to Zavros during the seven muffins war. While Twilight seemed unable to keep the representatives from threatening warfare, her companion Fluttershy has brought the two nations together. How she did this seems to be unclear at the moment, but reports are that the representatives were spotted whistling and gleefully skipping through the forest amidst a field of bunnies and wild flowers. When asked for comment, Fluttershy drew our reporter into the frolicking and asked if she would kindly bring the delegates some tea.

Freelance Section

Stories Written By You!

RAINBOW DASH OPENS “PONYVILLE EXTREME SKYDIVING CENTER”

By TechRat

An exciting new attraction will soon be available for all you thrill-seeking colts and fillies out there. Local hotshot Rainbow Dash is opening the "Ponyville Extreme Skydiving Center". I sat down with Miss Dash to get all the "extreme" details.

"It'll be the most crazy awesome experience ever!" she said, "You see, what I do is I carry you up to the highest point on that craggy old mountain that's outside of Ponyville. Then, before you can chicken out, I push you off! And here's the best part....I don't give you a parachute! I know! Awesome, right? So there you are, plummeting to your doom, and you're all like 'AHH!!! AHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!', while I sit there watching, maybe yawning a bit. Don't worry...I have about ten seconds or so. Then, I swoop down, and at insane mach speeds I grab you out of the sky mere seconds before you make a hole in the forest floor!"

After a few moments of stunned silence, I asked Rainbow Dash what kind of safety precautions she takes for these "jumps".

"Precautions? Pbthhbt! Those are for wimps!"

I decided to ask around and get opinions from some of the other Ponyville citizens. Applejack had this to say: "What? You're serious? Oh Celestia, that's just stupid n' dangerous. If ya ask me, she's just lookin' for an excuse to go savin' ponies again. It's like an addiction for her, and it really rubs mah rhubarb, if ya know what I mean. Somepony is gonna get hurt, or worse!"

When I told Rainbow what Applejack had said, she suddenly got very indignant. "Uhh....Hello?” she quoted, “You do know who you're talking to here, right? Rainbow - Danger - Dash? Only the coolest, awesomest, radicalest flier in all of Equestria! As if I'd ever let anything bad happen to you! And besides, I've already done this...like...two times! Well, technically three, but that one time with the hot-air balloon...uh....didn't go so well. But hey, the important thing is that you can totally trust me!"

In addition to single jumps, Rainbow says that other packages will be available at the new skydiving business. “We do group jumps, too! For those I got Fluttershy, and the two of us grab you all up in a tattered old cape just moments before you become ground pizza! It's the ultimate rush! I'd do it myself if I didn't have wings. That kinda takes the thrill away, you know? But Spike and Rarity just tried it a few days ago, and the way Fluttershy and I flew in and caught them was just wicked cool!"

Rainbow Dash then donned a pair of sunglasses and crossed her arms in what I assume she thought was a "radical" pose.

I asked Fluttershy what her take was on all this, and how she was talked into helping Rainbow Dash. "Well, to be honest, I'm not really that comfortable with it..." she confessed, "...but I don't want to hurt Rainbow's feelings either. She's so excited about this idea. And besides, her track record with this kind of thing is pretty okay. I mean, two out of three, that's good, right?"

When I told Fluttershy that, no, "two out of three" is actually quite a crummy track record, Fluttershy got very quiet and awkwardly pawed the ground for a while.

The "Ponyville Extreme Skydiving Center" will have its grand opening a week from Tuesday, so all you ponies that have nothing to lose will soon have a chance to put your life in Rainbow Dash's hands. What could possibly go wrong?

Pony Ads

EQUESTRIA MONARCHY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

            GOOD EVENING PONIES, THIS IS PRINCESS LUNA WITH A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. BE SURE TO EAT PLENTY OF FRUITS AND VEGETABLES AND NOT JUSTY HAY FRIES AND CAKE. GET OUT AND PLAY SIXTY MINUTES A DAY! THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.