Equestrian Inquirer #17

Remember back in the day when Equestria Inquirer was just a doc file and some jokes? It sure has evolved! After the break, check out the full on video version with it's brand new, much improved intro. 

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Issue #17

BROTHERHOOVES BEATBOX BREAKOUT

NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA AFTERALL

By Joe Stevens

            In a tragedy of untold proportions, the first annual Brotherhooves Beatbox Breakout, held this morning in Ponyville, has proven to be not nearly as good of an idea as was originally thought.

Everypony loves the annual Sisterhooves Social, where sisters compete in a footrace containing various tasks such as apple tossing and chainsaw juggling. In an attempt to broaden the appeal of such games to stallions and colts as well as mares and fillies, the Brotherhooves Beatbox Breakout was founded. However, upon seeing Snips and Snails perform a freestyle jam complete with background dancers and a lengthy rhyme-based insult solo where Snips illustrated in very colorful language that he had ninety nine problems but Winona was not one of them, everypony decided to never have this contest again.

POINT-COUNTERPOINT WITH FREDDY BAXTER

TOPIC: MARE DO WELL QUITS

By Freddy Baxter

            Introducing a new segment of the Equestria Inquirer: Point-Counterpoint. Our topic of discussion: Mare Do Well quitting her work as a hero. Now that Mare Do Well has been unmasked and has relieved herself of the duties of saving residents of Ponyville from danger, what are the ethical implications? Is it a good thing that Mare Do Well has quit?
            Point: Mare Do Well was never meant to be a hero, but a lesson by which Rainbow Dash could be humbled.
            Counter-Point: Sweetie Belle is still trapped in a well and hasn’t been heard from for days.
            Point: without relying on a hero like Mare Do Well, building codes and dam construction techniques will no doubt improve.
            Counter-Point: building more stable buildings is just a challenge for Scootaloo to figure out how to better destroy them. I’m not labeling Scootaloo a demolitions fanatic or anything, I’m just pointing out that this is the third time we’ve had to rebuild that dam and Scootaloo continues to somehow gain access to unstable compounds.

Point: Rainbow Dash can now return to be a hero without interference from a competitor.

            Counter-Point: Left without competition, it’s inevitable that Rainbow Dash will begin wearing a costume and will bring in Tank as a sidekick. A caped turtle wearing a gyro copter isn’t exactly the kind of hero that inspires confidence in a citizenry.
            Counter-Counter-Point: Tank is a tortoise.
            Point: Mare Do Well could have created a false impression that ponies don’t have to rely on their own skills to protect themselves from danger. Now that we have to rely on ourselves and not a hero, we can better survive.
            Counter-Point: zombie ponies.
            Nopony can know what the future will hold for Ponyville now that Mare Do Well is gone and Rainbow Dash is no longer policing the skies. But we can be certain that somepony should probably get Sweetie Belle out of that well. Join us in the future for more point-counterpoint issues where we discuss such topics as Occupy Castle Wall Street, Princess Luna’s haircut, and the logic of storing potentially world-destroying villains in a public garden.

Gumshoe’s Corner

EI Muckraker Section

FLUTTERSHY OPENS ILLEGAL PET ADOPTION PROGRAM

By Gumshoe

            Fluttershy has begun a pet adoption program, asking ponies all over Equestria to come and seek a pet. Unfortunately for the animal-loving Pegasus, she lacks the appropriate license and documents to act as a legal pet adoption center. We caught up with Fluttershy to interview her on this dilemma to see if she would continue to allow pet adoptions to continue without government approval.

Fluttershy, said here, she “Cannot express her delight. It’s abundantly clear that somewhere out here is a pet that will suit everypony just right.”

She can’t wait to get started, but Celestia has a few rules. It’s of utmost importance the pet that she lets, be adequately kept safe and cool.

There are so many choices for ponies to see. But government policy keeps their safety. Still Fluttershy says, she doesn’t need the red tape. She wants to ensure that all animals get their fair stake.

Animal rights ponies have had this to say of the unofficial pet adoption program: “Fluttershy gal, this won’t cut it, you need to fill out forms 1 through E. Something like this, is not legal, it needs approval by authority!”

But Fluttershy has so many pets that need a good home. Like otters and eagles and one very sad little gnome. She does not want to defy, the rules set before her, but perhaps in this case government oversight has overstepped its boundaries?

When asked if Fluttershy would continue her pet adoption program, despite lacking government approval, we asked if she had the ability to get certified. She had this to say: “Well that would be awesome, but this thing I have to do, is there anyway Celestia can pass a new act?”

We told her no. However, she has a nice police pony who’s dying to meet her.

“What to do, what to do?” Fluttershy mused, “That’s it! A bribe! A donation to the feds. To get them off of my back.”

“Don’t forget jewelry that should be considered,” we offered.

“Then I’ll really know who’s been fully littered. Cause the very best way in the world for animals, is a completely justified stretching of the rule of law for the sake of aiding the misfortunate.”

“May the bribes begin.”

“And please forgive this sin.”

No pony can tell what the outcome will be as Fluttershy challenges her authority to give out adopted pets. She will, however, continue to accept donations of all animals, large and small, and find good homes for them. But she also requests that ponies stop donating scorpions.

EI Freelance

Stories Written By You!

LAST PONY WITH AN OPINION LEAVES CANTERLOT

CHAOS ENSUES

By Graphite Sketch

Renowned member of the Canterlot elite, Fancy Pants, announced earlier this week that he would be moving his permanent residence to Manehatten in order to spend more time with relatives who he has had little opportunity to contact. This was met with general approval by his fellow socialites and high class associates, until the day after he left. At this point, everypony realized that Fancy Pants was the last person in the city with their own frickin’ opinion.

The workings of the upper social classes have twisted to such an extent in recent years that everypony pretty much ends up agreeing with whoever has the strongest opinion on a particular matter. This was why, during a brief stay, Ponyville resident Rarity was able to gain such acclaim, as she seemed to have a freaking clue what she was talking about. But the ultimate opinion leader on all matters had become Fancy Pants, and all trends and fashions among the elite can be traced back to his approval.

When asked what they made of Fancy Pants’ departure from the Canterlot social scene, one pony responded with “Uh… I don’t… Umm… OH SWEET CELESTIA I DON’T KNOW LEAVE ME ALONE!” before running off crying, looking for someone to tell her what to think, and finally turning to donut abuse to dull her pain.

This has led to painfully awkward fashion shows, theatre performances and garden parties, as everypony now spends most of the time waiting for somepony else to offer a viewpoint, so that they can blindly agree with it. Theatre companies have had productions go without a single review, and sales of clothing lines have completely stopped. All in all, no pony has any idea what the hey they’re doing anymore.

“I just don’t know what to make of it,” unicorn model Fleur de Lizzie was quoted as saying.

Pony Ads

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ISSUE #20 WILL BE THE SECOND

ALL-FREELANCE ISSUE!

We just booked a trip to Horse Vegas! And there is no way we are going to work while there! So we’re letting the Cutie Mark Crusaders come back and run the office again. While I seem to remember something going wrong the first time we did this, there’s a lobster buffet and the Blue Mare Group show occupying the part of my mind that normally worries about such things. Submit your freelance and the CMC will put them together for the next All-Freelance issue!

Thanks for reading, folks! To submit freelance to the Equestria Inquirer, email Joe Stevens at thenewjoestevens@gmail.com. To see our YouTube channel, click here: http://www.youtube.com/user/JoeStevensInc?feature=mhee. Join us next week for Issue #18!