Equestrian Inquirer #15

The Equestrian Inquirer has released their 15th issue! In celebration, their series has moved over to Youtube.  Check out the video version of this one here!

And as always, the text one can either be found after the break, or at the deviant art page. 



Issue #15

PINKIE PIE DECLARES BALLOONS ARE CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA

By Joe Stevens

            Unreliable Sources have confirmed that Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie has declared that all balloons residing in the land of Equestria are full and naturalized citizens with access to all the rights and privileges found therein. This comes as a shock to most ponies, as everypony had always assumed that balloons were nothing more than composites of rubber and plastic inflated with air and used to create a jovial atmosphere at parties.
            In a statement that accompanied her declaration of balloon citizenship, Pinkie Pie stated: “I always throw a party with balloons, but I never thought about throwing a party for balloons. And then I thought [tremendous gasp] I don’t think anypony has ever thrown a party for balloons, and that’s so sad, so we should make it up for them.”
            There has been no response from Princess Celestia as to the exact population of balloons in Equestria, or what this will mean to present census and tax data. Already, ponies are being held in question for the murder of several balloons, popping these new citizens at a local cutsinera party involving a wayward needle.
            As to whether Pinkie Pie has the authority to issue such a decree, a Canterlot legal analyst had this to say: “No.”

RARITY IS THE PONY EVERYPONY EVERYPONY SHOULD KNOW

            Unreliable Sources have confirmed that everypony named Everypony should know of Rarity. We’re not sure why. But it comes highly recommended that everypony Everypony should know of Rarity. We caught up with the only pony named Everypony, a Miss Everypony Smith, and asked her if she knew of Rarity.
            “Sure,” quoted Everypony.
            Mission success.

RAINBOW DASH DENIES WEAPONS INSPECTORS

THE AUTHORITY TO INSPECT HER WINGS

By Freddy Baxter

            Continuing our coverage of Rainbow Dash’s defiance to the Equestrian Armed Forces, it seems that the multicolored Pegasus has denied weapons inspectors the authority to inspect her wings. Apparently the rainbows that appear as exhaust from Rainbow Dash’s flight have the possibility of being radioactive, furthering Rainbow’s potential use as a weapon of mass destruction.
            Equestrian Armed Forces stated that Rainbow’s continued defiance cannot be tolerated by the peace-loving ponies of the free world. In response, Rainbow Dash has offered Tank for inspection, a very clever move. It will take weeks for Tank to get to the inspection center and by then it is likely the case will be forgotten.

Gumshoe’s Corner

(EI Muckraker Section)

APPLE JACK NO LONGER ALLOWED TO SHEPHERD CATS

By Gumshoe

            Ponyville resident Apple Jack has recently begun shepherding cats. Reports are still coming in, but the casualties are in the thousands. All citizens of Equestria beg Apple Jack to cease this confusing, if impressive, feat.

EI Freelance Section

Stories Written by You!

EQUESTRIA LAUNCHES TV CHANNEL FOR LITTLE FILLIES

By Boogster Su

Everywhere, all around Equestria, multimedia is spreading. Everywhere. Even in the biggest cities like Manehattan. And where there's cities, there are single-family ponies enjoying every single type of media: television, Internet, fictional stories written by themselves, and even (eeyup, you guessed it) newsprint. However, studies have shown that there is an ever-growing amount of violent content that is not acceptable to fillies. If fillies keep exposing their young minds to that type of content, experts agree that they will eventually get the wrong message and may attempt several stunts involving high explosives. They also might lose their educational value.

That's why the only public television station in all of Equestria, known as the Equestria Broadcasting System, is planning to launch a fresh, new 24-hour TV channel that will start airing in January 1st, 2012. Here is what they are saying in a press release:

The EQUESTRIAN BROADCASTING SYSTEM is proudly launching a brand-new 24-hour television channel that will be widely known as EBS KIDS, a 24-hour channel featuring all the latest cartoons and TV shows that is fun for the whole family: the filly, the mare, and the stallion! 

The Princess of Canterlot herself is signing off on this new channel, saying that this country "needs a safe environment that will teach kids the actual face in an adult pony's life."

  

Some various cartoons that will feature on this channel include, but are not limited to:

Winona Speaks
Marethur
Cyberchase
Mareney & Friends
Staillou
The Cat in Applejack's Hat
Curious George
Dragon Train
Sid the Science Sloth
Super What The Hay
My Little Thomas
WordMare
The Magic Cheerilee Bus
Mr. Ed the Big Red Horse
Mr. Ed's Filly Days
Jay-Jay the Blue Jay

There will also be live-action TV shows that will become available to this channel. They will include, but are not limited to:

Teleponies
Stirrup Street
Filly Nye the Science Pony
TROT! with Mail Mailmare
Reading with Rainbow Dash
Grannyland
ZOOM
The Wonderbolt Company
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

There will also be an on-demand website that will feature episodes that you may have missed on TV, called EBS KIDSVIDEO (also known as EBS FILLIESVIDEO). Fillies won’t have to miss a single episode. They will also play games, and their parents will see their filly’s progress report, to see if they are well-educated from playing educational games. For a filly’s mind, it’s only a point and a click away!

Funding will be provided by the Corporation for Pony Broadcasting, Equestrian Innovations, the Equestrian Mental Institution, the Equestria Environmental Health Department, the Equestria Public Health Department, and the Equestrian Science Foundation (with the help of Twilight Sparkle).

And our contributions from EBS Kids to your Fillies Like You. Thank You!

Pony Ads

PARTY CANNONS NOW FOR SALE

            Hey there everypony, I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m talking to you over the newspaper! Actually, it’s not me talking but the words I’m writing that are talking. It’s kind of like I’m talking to you but you’re reading this paper so it’s not really me talking. Unless you’re imagining I’m talking to you. That would mean my voice would be in your head! That would mean I’m in your head! But how would I fit in your head, unless you were a giant or something – but I don’t think you’re a giant. Not that I don’t think there’s giants out there it’s just I don’t think they buy this newspaper.
            Hmm.
            Oh yeah! I have party cannons for sale at Sugar Cube Corners! Use them to explode any party instantly! Now you’re imagining me using a party cannon in your head, aren’t you? Yay! Party in your mind! Come join me, it’s fun in here! Hello! Now you’re in your head with me in your head and we’re having a party! Have some punch.

BREAKING THE 4^TH WALL A MOMENT

            I want to issue a direct apology to any member of Studio B who read the first article in issue #14 and took offense. It was meant to be humorous, not critical or hateful in any way. My humor can seem critical at times (after all, it’s modeled after a tabloid) but please rest assured that any attempt I have to be funny is out of a deep love and respect for the work that you do. Please accept my sincerest apologies for any unintended bad feelings that were experienced either from this or other issues. Rest assured, I will make it my goal to preserve the integrity of this piece as an homage fiction from here on out. Thank you again for all that you do.

Thanks for reading, folks! To submit freelance to the Equestria Inquirer, email Joe Stevens at thenewjoestevens@gmail.com. To see our YouTube channel, click here: http://www.youtube.com/user/JoeStevensInc?feature=mhee. Join us next week for Issue #16!