Author: Cerulean Pen
Description: Rainbow Dash has awakened to bizarre pains for the past few days, but everything seems fine…although she believes the aching may be because of the new grave dug in Ponyville.Sore
Additional Tags: Rainbow Dash is missing Rarity.
93 comments:
Did Rarity die? O noes.......
ReplyDeleteNice additional tags
ReplyDeleteSleeping Rainbow Dash is best pony.
ReplyDeleteThose tags... RARITY DEAD?
ReplyDeleteAlright Twilight, dig out that spell from the Ruins from Bittersweet. I know Pinkie Pie didn't want to be revived, but Rarity must come back. She must. She must.
Wow, ten votes with a one star rating five minutes after it's posted. Come on, guys. Just because you don't want to read a story about... this... doesn't mean you need to go and rate it like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to build myself up to this one, though.
Aww, only one star? The description kinda piques my interest.
ReplyDeletelets read the story first before reading it please^^
ReplyDeleteLAWL. Damn it Seth, really? What an engaging story...
ReplyDelete@leaflet757
ReplyDeletehow do you read a story before reading it?
damn, not rarity
ReplyDeletereading
Suddenly... rating boost.
ReplyDeleteI'm going back to Silent Ponyville
ReplyDeleteOh man. This...this sucks.
ReplyDeleteThe story itself is excellent, don't get me wrong, but damn man. So sad. I want to cry now.
Sadness... we meet again
ReplyDeleteReads tags.
ReplyDeleteNope.
This was an alright story, but the focus kinda jumped around a little bit. The story felt like it was broken into multiple chunks of story which didn't flow naturally together.
ReplyDeleteFor example, what's with those two one-sentence breaks that discuss Spike and Fluttershy? Other than those two breaks, the story follows Rainbow Dash. Those breaks add little to the story line, but serve as a distraction from the events following Dash.
Ahhh shit I can't decide whether I want to read this or not.
ReplyDeleteThe [Sad] tag is DRAWING ME IN because I love sad fics....
Yet the lesbian shipping is pushing me away.
Can't decide, bro. Can't decide.
@GaruuSpike
ReplyDeleteYour not alone on the tag and ship thing bro
Dem Tags... not sure if want...
ReplyDeleteWant to read, like both tags, but not sure if it's worth prying myself away from Skyrim for.
ReplyDelete@GaruuSpike
ReplyDeleteI don't even know why there is a shipping tag on here, there is no shipping, not that I saw anyway.
this looks good but I feel like I might kill myself if Rainbow Dash gets sad. I tried to overdose on pills when she was stuck in ghastly gorge. good thing I finished watching that episode.
ReplyDeleteit's not really shippy. not at all. why is there a ship tag? <_<
ReplyDeleteლ(ಠ益ಠლ WHY YOU NO GOOGLE-DOC?
ReplyDeleteI'm not proud of this. Some people may find this easier to read.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OcfridTcCmgxvB5PSrV_i20mU9B2YZVV74pQB1VhSxs/edit
@TheldingRev
ReplyDeleteThat right there proves one of my points that Dash shipping is so way overused that, now it's what most people think of when R.D stuff pops up.
Rarity...dead?!
ReplyDeleteThis is the WORST...POSSIBLE...THING!!!
@Travis Smith
ReplyDeleteNo. Most Dash ship fics do actually contain shipping. <-<
Well, the summery told me everything I wanted to know.
ReplyDeletePass.
Maybe she is waking up with pains due to her sudden loss of wings in the image?
ReplyDelete(inb4 image changes and my comment is irrelevant xD )
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDone reading, wonderful short story.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the marshmallow comparison totally ruined the mood for me.
I liked this one. I can see how the author was trying to structure the story, and I followed it quite well. A little confusing at first, but coming full circle in the end made a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I'm no professional critic. I just read stories.
@whackypony
ReplyDeleteThough that is mostly true, I mean like something completely unrelated to any type of it, you go through some comments and for some reason it's what people say. I just hate it because stuff similar to it has ruined many a good thing in my life. Just in case your one of those people that ask me, "what are you aginst the gay-lesbian rights movement" No I'm not. And I have taken this completely out of context. My bad you guys, lack of sleep for over 16 hours
There was one tiny little mention of 'love', but it didn't sound like the 'lets-get-it-on' type. More love between two friends.
ReplyDeleteNot a ship-fic at all unless you like to think too much into little things like that.
Also, am I bad person for giggling a little at the mention of marshmallows?
After reading this i really wonder why there is a shipping tag, it really didn't need it.
ReplyDeleteMy first comment was just to block the first comment spot. Now that I've read the story, I can comment on it. It was a wry good story. How it kept telling how the others were getting along with the accident, and how the atmosphere was just miserable. I like grimdark ponies best, but sadfics are my second favorite. This was possibly in the rank of bubbles. I actually got close to crying. It's probably because im so damn tired, bit still. I haven't emotionally cried in seven years. To get meneven close to emotional tears is amazing. The last of my tears left me when my grandmother died. Before then, I cried about everything. But when she died, I learned about true sadness, and i was never able to cry again. Even at her funeral, I couldn't muster up a single drop. I have since then been in a state of depression that I never really got out of, but seem to be going further in.
ReplyDeletePersonally I would remove the shipping tag.
ReplyDelete@PotatoesBasket
ReplyDeleteI looked at the story after my last comment and I thought the same thing. The pre readers probably saw the word "love" and instantly thought, "OH GOD ITS SHIPPING" because its RD after all...
I really think some of you should give this story a chance. Don't just go by description or tags; that's why no reads or low ratings result. The content is what really matters.
ReplyDeleteThat aside, this needs a next chapter.
@All
ReplyDeleteI admit I way over jumped the gun in this, my bad to readers and to the author I'm very sorry. Like I said lack of sleep and some recent things occurred that has a family member hospitalized now. Please don't hate me.
Travis, i think i can agree. People see shipping in too many things. i love shipping, but come on guys.
ReplyDeleteI admit, this fic got me a bit choked up. Not seeing the shipping, though.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the shipping tag... This really only hints at shipping subtly. The extra tags killed this for me, though. It would have been a lot better if I didn't go into the story knowing Rarity was dead. -.- If anything, remove the additional tags instead of the shipping tag even though the ship tag is inappropriate for this.
ReplyDeleteThe story was nice and the premise is good, I liked it. Couldn't help noticing Twi said Shy hadn't left her home and might not even be in Ponyville. Meanwhile, Fluttershy is in the spa... Could be that Twi just doesn't know, though.
Also off-topic: why does shipping horrify people so much? :o
@wackypony
ReplyDeletewow that was a fail on my part...
when i saw it like 5 mins after uploaded it had 10 ratings all 1 star...
Goddamnit, read it while listenin' to The Sound of Silence. That was a bad idea.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I felt that it was a bit overindulgent in the sadness, to be honest. Might just be a personal preference, but I like there to be some movement in the emotional spectrum of a story. This one started sad, and went to brutal with the ending. /shrug
It was definitely affecting, but it felt... cheap. And the plot itself was unsatisfying, random. As a vignette, it wasn't bad at all, but it didn't really do anything new and what it did with the old wasn't perfect enough to make it a must-read. The Twilight scene in particular just felt like an infodump; Twi's coldness didn't help, and Rainbow's reaction lines were a bit prosaic.
On the other hand, it definitely hurt to read. It worked; it was indeed saddening. There weren't any grammar mistakes or particularly funky word choices that I can recall, and the structure of the story was fairly abnormal for the fandom's method of writing the sad stuff. It was effective, too, so good job with that.
Overall, I liked it, and don't regret reading it, but it could have used more to make it less predictably unhappy and maybe a different exposition scene.
Oddly enough, this is something that I needed. A sobering sadness.
ReplyDeleteIt was a bit too short, but I'm not going to give it fewer than 5 stars if it started with a truckload of 1 star ratings. :|
Love and tolerance mean nothing to a community that preaches it eh.
As everyone else has said in some way or form, I don't think the shipping tag has any place here. I'm not familiar with the history behind Rainbow Dash shipping (it's been barely 3 days since I declared myself a fan), but from what I've read, the tag was probably just a form of insurance since "love" can be interpreted many different ways. It's a short story, but it was long enough to send my mood down a few notches. A tad disorganized for my taste, but it works. As hard as I try to not let it happen, anything involving a death of someone close brings back bad memories. I hope I'm not coming off as an emotional wreck or anything, but that's just my mental process. I honestly think it's worth a look.
ReplyDeleteThis was a well written fan fic, and the ending was beautifully haunting. Shame on this community for automatically one-starring, especially for all the love and toleration that we preach.
ReplyDeleteDamn dood, this is depressing.
ReplyDeleteDecent. Not sad enough.
ReplyDeleteWell, I r sad now. While it didn't quite get me to cry, the story still pulled at my heart.
ReplyDeleteThe shipping tag . . . well,I've got one possibility. It's kind of spoilerish, so read the story before continuing. The last flashback sentence, about the unicorn and pegasus. Well, that may have been Rarity and RD showing a relationship before this story. It's a shot in the dark, but it's the best explanation I got for possible shipping. It's not how I saw it at first, but going back, I can see that being what was intended.
I just started reading fan fic and there are SO MANY I don't know where to start?
ReplyDeleteSo I'm curious, what's everypony's favorite fan fic?
I'm talking the Bleach of fan fiction! What's your favorite?
@Hialiatus whatever you do, do NOT read the fanfic titles "Cupcakes". It is the most gruesome mlp fanfic ever. And I am not exaggerating. Fallout: Equestria and Past Sins are so far the (by general consensus) the best fics, so try those
ReplyDeleteSo many Sad fics lately ;~;
ReplyDeletePrevious posts seem to have covered the anti-shipping hypocrisy quite nicely.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I know enough people in Emergency Services who have described victims to realize the "overcooked marshmallow" comment is far too accurate, and that's all I'll say about that. That was also a fairly well-done description of post-traumatic amnesia.
Not my cup of tea, but I'm gonna give it a five anyway, just to balance out the haters.
@Hialiatus If going by the fics I've read personally... I'd list Past Sins, Silent Ponyville, and The Silent Shore to be my top three favorite.
ReplyDeleteJust curious... wtf is "shipping", exactly? I can never get a straight answer. I get the jist of it, but nobody has been able to set down any concrete, black and white details.
ReplyDeleteShipping is a term for fanfics that focus on relationships in some form or another. They're generally romance stories by their very nature, but not always.
ReplyDelete@Phantom240
ReplyDelete"Shipping" simply reffers to romantic pairings in fan-fiction.
Also, loved that ending. Reminded me of that Adam Sandler movie. I dunno if that's good.
@Overlong Analysis Cobalt
ReplyDelete"There weren't any grammar mistakes or particularly funky word choices that I can recall,"
really? not to be a jerk or anything but this fanfic was chock full of grammar mistakes and odd wording. here are some of the highlights.
"she failed to recall when her last meal had partook. Sugar Cube Corner appeared to be inoperative,"
""Hey, Pinkie!" The pegasus trotted into the core bakery, gazing around the vivid scope"
"In the living room of the Apple Family's dilapidated abode"
"Rainbow Dash yelled, stepping forward until her snout was pressed against Applejack's, respirations rapid."
"Twilight Sparkle's vegetal library"
"were these bruises on her hooves?"
"hoof poised protectively over her precious lyre, concealed within her discarded saddle bags."
"You also hit your head hard enough to knock you unconscious, but you kept going."
not the worst story I've ever read but it could have been better. it's just a guess but i'm betting English isn't the authors first language.
by my understanding shipping is basically creating tension between characters- specifically intimate tension.
ReplyDeleteIn a way, you could call them Fan Fic Soup Operas.
@Hialiatus
ReplyDeleteMy personal favorites are, Elements of Gaming, The Vinyl Scratch Tapes, Past Sins, Allegrezza, Bittersweet, Nightfall at Sweet Apple Acres and Fallout Equestria. A bit of warning about the last one though, it's really long. As in longer than any Lord of the Rings book.
Thanks for the nice list guys! I'm looking forward to the scary ones in particular ;D
ReplyDelete@twohuman It pony Memento
ReplyDeleteMr. author (or Ms. author, as the case may be), it's nice that you have such a big vocabulary. It's a wonderful asset in ficwriting, and one that I hope will serve you well in your future stories.
ReplyDeleteWhat you now need to learn is when NOT to use those lovely big words. Sadly, the answer is "most of the time." You see, saying "cerulean stratosphere" instead of "blue sky" (or just "sky"--we all know what color it is without you reminding us, thank you very much) doesn't serve any useful function. It doesn't help set the scene, because it isn't giving the reader any information that "blue sky" doesn't, and it breaks immersion by calling attention to the words used, rather than the story itself.
Even more problematic, you seem to be unsure what some of these wonderful words mean. When you say that Cloudkicker's sense of triumph was "massacred," or when you say that Rainbow Dash's movements were "lucid," you are not using these words to describe actions or states with which they are not typically associated. Used sparingly, this sort of irregular usage can be a powerful rhetorical device. When it occurs frequently, it gives the impression that the author has simply gone to his thesaurus and replaced all the descriptive words in his story with fancy-sounding synonyms, without knowing (or caring enough to look up) the specific definitions of those words.
I'm sorry that I was not able to enjoy your story, as I think there was a very thoughtful vignette buried under a sea of ten-dollar synonyms for various colors. In your future writings, I would suggest you give more thought to word choice, with an eye to clarity and accuracy.
>you are not using these words to describe actions or states with which they are not typically associated.
ReplyDeleteUgh, let's try that sentence with one fewer "not," eh? Apparently it's past my bedtime.
A 'main pony' dead ? That's so last season... or something.
ReplyDeleteWith the number of deaths (also know has ''blarg !, me main or very loved pony iz dead'') in stories 'recently', I'm getting desensitized... or is it 'disinterested' ?
*shrug*
well written
ReplyDeleteThe author needs to make a side-story where Rarity's a ghost watching all this. It would make for incredible drama, instead of being depressing like it is now. A happy ending would be nice. Maybe a twist. OH GOD RARITY!!!
ReplyDeleteHello. I am the author of "Sore", Cerulean Pen, and I understand what everypony is trying to say.
ReplyDeleteGrammer mistakes, yes. Depressing, yes. Poor writing, yes. English is my first language, but here is something that might help you understand why it's so...poor.
I'm only 12 years old.
I don't understand what was funny about Sweetie Belle resembling a marshmallow charred over a fire. I've seen burn victims, and it was really the only simile I could think of.
@Cerulean Pen
ReplyDelete...
well, after hearing that about your age i feel like a complete ass now.
that said, it's good to see some on interested in writing, and i look foreword to seeing your writing skill grow and improve. and sorry for the less then constructive criticism ^_^;
@Hialiatus
ReplyDeleteYou wanted fanfic suggestions? Here are some, then! (Prepare for a wall of text :P) All of the ones with no links can be found on EqD.
First off, go to the fiction archive on this page and search for the 6-star fics. Those are pretty much guaranteed to be good. You can try 5-star search, too.
As for specific suggestions, basically anything vu Pen Stroke is worth reading. Past Sins has already been mentioned but Better Living Through Science and Ponies is great (Portal crosssover), Creeping Darkness (Alan Wake crossovet) is great, too. Somebody mentioned Fallout: Equestria. Definitely one of the best but very long and might not be for everyone. Give it a try, though!
Then there is It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door, which is also an epic story with some LotR influences but isn't a crossover. A Day for Spike and Twilight is from the same writer, in the same universe and after Dangerous Business, but is just a one shot sweet story.
Then a few more. My Little Dashie. Just read it, manly tears have been shed with it. Off the Edge of the Map. It says "light shipping" but... it's not really shipping in the sense people seem to think. A great story, read it! Speaking of shipping, A Sight for Really Sore Eyes is cute. There is also a comic version here on EqD if you want. I recommend that, too. Study Buddies and Flutterheart are great ships, too. Flutterheart has an original character shipped with Fluttershy, so if you don't like that, be warned. (Though why you wouldn't want to read a sweet story about Shy is a mystery :D)
An American Dude in Equestria is a good human in Equestria story if you want those. Throught the Eyes of Another Pony is a great one, too.
And that should do it for a while. :D You asked for it, I hope you are still around to read this.
< offtopic >
@Bombedrumbum
Cupcakes isn't really that bad. It was the first one I read and it actually got me into MLP as I wanted to know the characters. It is gory, though, and not for the weak of the heart. It has also spawned some good stories that try to "undo" the horror of Cupcakes or just use it as source material of sorts. Like the fic where Rainbow has nightmares of Cupcakes and goes nuts. Can't remember the name of it, though. But calling cupcakes the most goriest? Have you read Sweet Apple Massacre?
This is NOT a recommendation, mind you.
Anyways, this seems to have been written just to be more horrifying and disgusting than Cupcakes. There is really no plot, no reason for the violence and stuff. Pinkie at least has shown some signs of mental instability, and was sort of "in character" but this... Sigh. I don't usually mind violence in stories if it has some reason for being there, but this story has none of that. Also OOC Bic Mac is OOC...
< /offtopic >
one*
ReplyDeleteand in regards to the marshmallow thing, rarity (and i suppose by proxy sweetie bell) are called jokingly by some as "marshmallow pony's" because of there white color & marshmallow shaped hooves.
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/pony-re-imaginings
scroll down a little bit past scootaloo.
@Cedric Bale
ReplyDeleteSee, this is what I had already figured, and yet it seems like there's something else here I'm not getting. Or maybe it really IS that simple, LOL.
Shit, I'm gonna have nightmares now about people or ponies dying in a fire. Really great story, though, I could really see the horrifying vision of the fire like I was witnessing it with my own eyes. Now I'm even more afraid of house fires than I was before. :(
ReplyDeleteYeah... in my headcanon ponies don't die, so... moving along.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'm the only pony here to be getting shades of "Memento", minus the crazy backwards storytelling style.
ReplyDelete4/5. Some errors and odd phrasings, but manly tears were shed, and that overrules a lot of problems.
The story/plot was pretty good, but your word usage seems a bit... off somehow? It's still a pretty good story.
ReplyDeleteDid nobody notice that RBD's got no wings... ?!
ReplyDeleteIts a prety good storry.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels a bit jumpy, maybe intentionall.
The Plot is solid.
But its a bad Fic to start your day with.
4/5 deinetly worth a read.
Meh... no. This premise is overused and never fully explained, as well as making little psychological sense. Pulling a Memento out of nowhere makes it feel unrealistic and poorly thought out. There's some potential here but this story really doesn't do it for me.
ReplyDelete@Cerulean Pen
ReplyDeleteThat's the work of a twelve year old. Stay at it. You've got a future as a writer.
Why would anyone write an ending that horrid to an already devastatingly sad story? God that was pointlessly heart wrenching.
ReplyDeleteTo make everyone feel better, magic exists in equestria, so I'm guessing something like heaven does too. Thats what I always tell myself after a mane cast member dies.
@Cerulean Pen
ReplyDeleteMost of the problems I was going to point out were already addressed, so I'll focus on the good!
Like The Old Dog said, definitely keep writing, because you're off to a great start. I would never have guessed your age from reading this. Apart from the minor flaws already mentioned, the overall quality of the writing was very good; it's certainly better than mine was when I was twelve. :)
While it didn't tug quite as hard on my heartstrings as some other dead pony fics have, I liked the feeling of confusion and dread building up to the explanation. Like somebody else said, I think it would have worked better if the identity of the departed had been kept a secret, leaving us in the dark with Rainbow.
I disagree with JoeyH's comment that the story didn't flow well, because I personally thought that disjointedness was what really made the story work. It did a good job of demonstrating RD's confused state. While I liked the snippets of other characters mourning (they worked really well in a sort of cinematic sense; I pictured them occurring as brief flashes with the sound muted) I do agree with JoeyH that they were out of place with the rest of the story being in Rainbow Dash's viewpoint. It might make more sense to flash to vague fragments of her own memories of the accident, which could give the reader subtle clues leading up to the revelation.
The only thing I really didn't like at all was Applejack's dialogue; the tendency so many writers have to spell her accent phonetically drives me up the wall, and in sad stories it always damages the mood. I just can't take anything she says seriously when she's calling herself "Ah". You don't have to spell things funny to remind us that she has an accent. ;) But that's just my personal preference, I suppose.
At first I thought the marshmallow line was in poor taste, but since you didn't know about the meme I see it wasn't your fault, but my own for jumping to that conclusion. Silly fandom, making me draw strange associations between things!
Anyway, tl;dr: You've got room to improve, but you're off to a great start. Well done, and keep writing! I look forward to any future stories you may post.
@Epesi
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words! The only reason I posted this fic was to gain constructive criticism for future stories. I am working hard to become a writer and I'm glad people like you have taken the time to help me on my journey.
@The Old Dog
ReplyDeleteThank you! I've been writing for six years and I don't think I'll ever stop.
Ooh god.
ReplyDeleteThis is like Memento Mori by that one guy. He hit his head and had only ten minutes of short-term memory and then forgot everything that had happened ten minutes before. He had to find the guy that killed his wife. Every time he learned his wife was dead he got incredibly sad I think. This is exactly like that.
I'm glad I have these resistances to sadness. Otherwise it might make me cry, and I am NOT crying in front of my mom.
Whoa. The Twist. I didn't see it coming. That was a very touching, very bittersweet story.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work, this is fantastic.
*Reads Description*
ReplyDelete...
*Already Knows What the Twist Is*
...
*No Point in Reading it Now*
@BigMacintosh
ReplyDeleteBest comment.
@JiiKoo
ReplyDeleteWhen I saw my fic got referenced from EqD, it was almost too good to be true. Glad to see I do have some fan base in Eqd!
Additional Tags ruined the ending...
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel like some part of the story were... Not good.
Wow. Sooooo sad. Was not expecting that.
ReplyDelete