[Sad][Normal]
(Note: Story No Longer on Hiatus!)
-Note: Apparently the wrong link went up, so reposting with the good one!
Author: Big Mackintosh
Description: After being adopted by Derpy, Sparkler can't help but feel unloved and unspecial in her new home, but Derpy is determined to show her just how special she really is.
All links below the break!
My Sweetie Part 1
My Sweetie Part 2
My Sweetie Part 3
My Sweetie Part 4
My Sweetie Part 5
My Sweetie Part 6
My Sweetie Part 7
My Sweetie Part 8
My Sweetie: Magic Isn't My Thing Part 1
My Sweetie: Magic Isn't My Thing Part 2
My Sweetie: Magic Isn't My Thing Part 3
My Sweetie: Magic Isn't My Thing Part 4
My Sweetie: Magic Isn't My Thing Part 5 (New!)
Additional Tags: depressed filly adopted for love
Author Apology (New!)
"BigMackintosh here, presenting the end of the story at last! I'd like to apologise for the length of time this has taken. It has been an incredibly long time coming and I have admittedly had plentiful opportunity to make it so. But like many, life has got in the way. The fandom has presented me multiple opportunities to take to new forms of works such as art and media which have equally taken my time. I have found many friends through the fandom and even the love of my life. So while this may the last you hear of me as an author, it will never be the last you see of me as a member among you all. Thank you all for your patience, please enjoy the story as much as I have enjoyed writing it!"
Fan Art
277 kommentaari:
Somewhat glad I didn't read the wrong one then.
VastaKustutaTime for the manly tears.
VastaKustutaI was wondering where this went, it looks like a good story.
VastaKustutaTime to re-read.
VastaKustutaWell, with the positive reaction the prior draft received before it was taken down, I'll have to check out the revised version when I get the chance.
VastaKustutaWOO HOO!!! enjoy, people. the rest will follow soon :D thank you equestria daily
VastaKustutaNyah-ha! I read the whole thing before it was taken down! IT WAS FANTASTIC!
VastaKustutaThat gave me feels, bros.
VastaKustutaLooks cute. Or sad. Either way I'll check it out once I finish a few other things
VastaKustutaI don't always read sad stories, but when I do, I choose this one. Great story Big Mackintosh.
VastaKustutaSo got done reading the other one, to come back and find this one. My mind has been torn asunder! See enough difference already that rereading is a must... this is a 'first'. Ever.
VastaKustutaDAAAAAWWWW
VastaKustutaAh, this gives me something to look forward too. I did read the fist draft before it got taken down. It was good enough but this final edit is leaps and bounds better. I can't wait to see the rest of it revised and back up!
VastaKustuta@Blizzard
VastaKustutaWUT!!!
I just finished reading the 4 parts posted before. Was there even anything wrong with those?!?!?
I went to post how badly you damaged my eyeballs, seeing as how they've begun to leak profusely, and I can't repair the leak... Only to find the page had 404ed!
WHEN THE HAY DID EQUESTRIA DAILY TURN INTO 4CHAN!!! LOL!!!
Seriously, this was a BEAUTIFUL story. I will download the revised version, but is it really so different it warrants a true reread? I don't want to die of dehydration due to additional eyeball leakage. or further ocular damage.
I have to be alive to read more stores. I can't read if I'm dead from dehydration... Well, I suppose I can always grab a glass of water too.
I just saw that the original was four parts and was planning on coming back to it later. Before I jump into the new link, can someone tell me if this is the whole story or is it just one part?
VastaKustutaits just part one. im working on parts 2-5 now. they will be up later,
VastaKustutasicerely - bigmackintosh
@Big mackintosh Thanks
VastaKustutaGreat story, only problem is opinionated. I've never really liked that characterization of Derpy. I always thought that she just had funky eyes.
VastaKustuta@archiveit
VastaKustutaLike bigmackintosh confirmed, it's only part 1 at the moment. Comparing Old part 1 to new part 1... the new one is about 2.5 times longer!
I guess I'll have to reread this... It'll have to wait though. I'm tired, after a long night (confound these ponies), and my eyes betray me. I'll wait till it's all posted...
Hopefully they won't disappear on us again! I'm kinda glad I caught the first revision. Gives a unique window into how the author develops what he writes.
Also... On a completely unrelated note...
I am REALLY starting to hate these Word Verification things. You know that auto fill is starting to spout gibberish on my computer thanks to these awful things! Seth! Word Verification doesn't stop parasprite infestations. Only Pinkie pie and a one pony polka band can do that! They only stop automated ads, and I've never encountered one on this site. I sure hope it's not forced on you! Confound these Word Verifications. They drive me to waste precious seconds typing gibberish instead of ponies!
@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaOh thank goodness, I was worried that it was only this short
:') i officially love all bronies
VastaKustutaIt's a sweet story, though I felt Ditzy was portrayed a little TOO dysfunctional with some of her speech. At least it didn't dehydrate me like "Somewhere Only We Know" did.
VastaKustutaspeak words confused backwards....... and sry to say but its Ditzy Doo not Derpy....
VastaKustutamy opinion, none the less a good job
Part 1? But it's marked as complete, perhaps that should be fixed.
VastaKustutaDawwwwww
VastaKustutaI am going to quote a line from The Big Lebowski
VastaKustuta"Strong Men also cry...strong men also cry"
Ditzy/Derpy's letter is what sold it. Excellent read. Can't wait to read more. Nice tie in with Bubbles
@otakon17 Actually I liked the way she spoke. It got across the point that Derpy is "special", but wasn't jarring enough to take you out of the story like the Derpy speak in "Today, Tomorrow, Forever and Ever" (not that I disliked that story; It is one of my favorites, and from what I have read so far in this one I am quite enjoying it).
VastaKustuta@Zalius
VastaKustutapal you have no idea what problems you just missed :P that is minor opposed to the previous issue of the whole first draft being uploaded in place of part 1 redo only.
Odd, it went well I loved it even if it were the wrong link... I was upset it was taken down, I thought a flag went up on it...totally daww
VastaKustutaits just part one. im working on parts 2-5 now. they will be up later,
VastaKustutasicerely - bigmackintosh
I have to say... this is not overly convincing to me that the story will be particularly well-polished.
That was sweet. c: I still prefer Derpy speak less... derpily, but it sort of added to the d'aww factor.
VastaKustuta@red-savant
VastaKustutawell that can only be decided when its finished. trust me when i say ive been going through this thing piece by piece, reworking it to the max. the issue the admins had was that there was too much narrative, not enough character interaction. thats all changed and im hopeful i can change your mind :)
I really like it, I just have a problem with your characterization of Derpy. I've never really seen her as mentally impaired and thought of it more of a lazy eye or some other ocular condition.
VastaKustutaI've been looking forward to see a real story about this, and I'm glad this was well done.
VastaKustutaNow I'm looking forward for the next parts :)
Just personal opinion, but I'd rather see Derpy just as a clumsy character than as a retard (not even bein able to speak clearly), but I can see what you are doing and for what I got in the end of the first part, this will not always be the case, I'm ok with it.
@Gabriel
VastaKustutaoh dont worry, ive always seen derpy as a fully capable pony that just cant speak clearly. the retard i slipped in was just an insult you'd expect from a bully. im surprised people think i made her look that way, i mean she's just proven herself worthy of adopting
Gabriel, I've made the mistake of reading the first four rough drafts of the story which were posted, and well, trust me. It gets in there and I won't say "better", but you begin to understand more. More of whats important.
VastaKustutaI love it, and believe me, the author has no intention of fully portraying Derpy as retarded. well if the story stays similar to the drafts... I want to read this to the end...
and I would not tag this as sad but rather heart warming
VastaKustuta...Why's this have a sad tag?
VastaKustutaIt's HAPPY.
It's only sad at the start.
Unless...
oh god no
DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT MAKE SPARKLER LOSE DERPY.
@banjo2E
VastaKustutaremember fellow bronies, this is but part 1. the rest are going to be, well i'll let you decide afterwards if its worthy of the sad tag
I do hope you make more of these. They ARE rather good :)
VastaKustutaThought the first draft was great, certainly could use work, but it was great. This one departs from the previous one substantially, but still captures the same feeling as the first, while correcting many of the errors.
VastaKustutaOverall? Omigosh omigosh OMISGOSH!
Hah! Can't wait for more!
We need a 'Feel Good' or 'Heartwarming' tag for stories like these.
VastaKustutaI hope to see a continuation. Also, Endless Sacrifice by Dream Theater seems to compliment this fic very well.
VastaKustutaYey, Sparkler gets more love!
VastaKustuta1. Needs Mega Grammar, Spelling, and spacing work.
VastaKustuta2. The pacing is brutally painful. Way too fast and fragmented.
3. Is there a part 2 Somewhere that I can't find?
4. MY FAVORITE DERPS CHARACTERIZATION. Always on, slightly off.
5. Good spirit, bad technical. With a little editing, it could be really good.
I also read all of this yesterday before it was removed (which it was by the time I came back to review it) and I really enjoyed it. It was a nice heartfelt story.
VastaKustutaBut I see that you've much improved on it, with the revision to chapter one. It is interesting to see the story expanded upon, given more history and character development.
Well done! I look forward to reading the revisions you make to the rest!
Just read and I eagerly await further parts. Just don't, y'know, kill anypony and I'm sure this story will turn out great.
VastaKustutaThat was quite an enjoyable and cute read! This has some really good ideas.
VastaKustutaBut, I'd like address a few problems that seem to pop up in this chapter.
1. Derpy. I like the way you handle her name in this, even though I prefer to use Ditzy Doo in fanfics. But I do have a problem with the way you have her talking. I thought many people had accepted the idea that she was not mentally challenged. I'm not going to go into more detail for fear of ranting, but I feel that her character could be used better than that.
2. Format. In terms of grammer, it's really good. I mean, REALLY good. I didn't catch a single unintentional slip-up. But then there's the length. I think you need to practice with giving more detail to the story, doing so would add quite a bit of length to it without jeapordizing the quality.
3. Sparkler. Or more specificly, her relationship with Lyra. In the very first episode, you can clearly see Sparkler is friends with her while walking around Canterlot. I think that would give a lot a depth to this story if you incorporated that.
As an writer myself, I know it's difficult to keep track of every detail. My fanfic suffers from the same thing. I hope you will consider these to be helpful.
@Wierdplatformer
VastaKustutai always like to get good advice, thanks alot :)
just a few things though, as is obvious throughout the series there are many ponies of the same design cloned multiple times (dare i say how many derpys in sonic rainboom :S)
i see my Sparkler as a different pony to the one with lyra.
also derpy isnt exactly mentally challenged, i have an explanation coming up that will put the minds of derped derpy haters at ease :)
Am I the only one who thinks this characterization of Derpy is the best?
VastaKustutaI always hate it when people call this the "stupid Derpy." She's not stupid, she just has a speech problem.
well, i WAS at one time able to find parts 1-4 of this story through google, but now it just sends me here. when part 5 is made, can someone make sure it gets posted in the story updates?
VastaKustuta@danabler42
VastaKustutathose parts 1 to 4 were uploaded by mistake, they were the first draft of the story, its been changing alot since then but not steering away from the story. dont worry i'll have it finished by some point next week. then it will be proof read, looked over by equestria daily critics and hopefully uploaded.....yeah it'll be at least a week but im gonna get parts 2 and 3 to EQD tomorrow hopefully at least
I NEED MORE! D:
VastaKustuta@Big mackintosh Are you going to repost this at FiMFiction too? I'd like to be able to add it to my favorites list.
VastaKustuta@Dubs Rewatcher
VastaKustutaSo true. I totally agree with you on that!
PLEASE have a happy ending...
VastaKustutaoh dear it thickens...I'm liking how you've worked far from your draft. Jealousy is a strong driving force for all of the particular sibling relationships out there. You're taking something which is even harder, since Sparkler is older she's able to make closer observations and still have a maturity about her surroundings. Things don't escape her as easily as a younger child. I think the finish for this would be great if it were ended with the sister-hooves, or at least a mentioning of it. I know there is a light at the end of this little bit of sadness.
VastaKustutaThis is really very good great job sir I am looking forward to reading the rest!
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaOkay, a few thoughts so far:
VastaKustuta1) EQD totally needs a 'sweet' tag for stories like this.
2) I love how Derpy is depicted in this series: She's all there, it's just that her brain is wired a little differently.
3) Sparkler's train of thought in this series is realistic: When you're used to being miserable all your life, you look for new reasons to be miserable, even if none exist. Getting over that is a huge hurdle.
4) This story darn well better have a happy ending, or I will not be responsible for the destruction that ensues...
@Big Mackintosh
VastaKustutaI was able to read the first draft of this story and let me just say that I am really glad that you went back through it. The first draft was touching, but the final draft just grabs the heart. I really hope you keep the letter, it's what brought tears to my eyes in when I read the first draft. Please keep it up.
wow this is a good read. i got excited when i saw this story was updated. can't wait to read more keep up the good work!
VastaKustutaHey there Big Mackintosh, I just wanted to add my two cents to this story. I was an adopted child. I was adopted at the age of 12. The family that adopted me had a little boy of the age of 8. I was going to be his new big brother.
VastaKustutaIt's hard to be adopted at an older age, as I believe you've portrayed well here. The little things get to you, they bother you when it seems that the family's real child is getting better attention. Almost everything in this story is right on in this regard. But as I came to realize over time was whilst it's a big change for you: it's also a big change for the other kid.
At first I wondered if my new family loved me also when they treated him a bit differently. They were always nice to me but they really gave me my space unless I spoke up about things. Such as the thing in the toy store, they bought him a nintendo on our first christmas, and bought me a basketball. What I didn't realize through my questioning is that the gifts were really supposed to be for both of us, and that we were to share them. It was as much a gift for him for being accepting of a new kid to share his parent's love as it was for both of us to enjoy. They wanted us to get closer by sharing the basketball and the nintendo and spend more time together than we were.
What i'm trying to say through all my rambling is that I really hope you don't end this on a terrible note is all. I'd love to see sparkler realize something like I did and feel compassionate for Dinky as well. To realize that even though she is not of her own flesh and blood, that derpy loves her the same, if only unsure of how to show it. If this ends in Sparkler leaving the family i'll be truly heartbroken. Such a great story so far, just don't ruin this for me!
To quote Wheatly (Portal 2) ; Nicely done. You've set up a believable world and characters. My only concern here is Sparkler seems to be developing Deus Angst Machina - everything seems to be working against her here, Dinky's slip of the tongue, Derpy's forgetfulness, Applejack's remark, and her own past.
VastaKustutaWhile I personally enjoy a downer ending, you'll have you're work cut out for you if you go that route.
I read the "wrong" one AND this "right" one.
VastaKustutaI've liked them both. : )
Dammit. This was great until I ruined it for myself by somehow thinking of hearing Derpy's dialogue in the voice of Jar Jar Binks. Curse you, George Lucas!
VastaKustutai've read part 4 already. umad?
VastaKustutaShe loves you Sparkler dammit! She wanted the gardening to be a group activity and for you to be alone with your new sister when you bring her to school and stuff. But no, everything has to be taken the most inconvenient way. Stop trying to be miserable you silly pony!
VastaKustuta@Salnax
VastaKustutaCouldn't have said it better
@Salnax
VastaKustutaRemember that she's spent her entire life in care, watching all the other orphans being adopted, and out of the blue Derpy's offered to take her in. Wouldn't you think that was just a bit too good to be true if you were in that situation? It's clear from her thought process she doesn't want to think that way, but a lifetime of emotional neglect is making it difficult to find any other explanation for Derpy, Dinky and AJ's actions around her.
OHMYGOSH! HRRGUG! My dawabeetus is killing me reading the derpy sparkler fic. God damn I wish my life didnt suck. Oh its so wonderful.
VastaKustutawait. is that it?
VastaKustuta@disneyfreak
VastaKustutaNope. The blog's dun goofed, that should be an incomplete tag.
This story is heartbreaking, well deserving of that [sad] tag.
VastaKustuta@Melon Hunter
VastaKustutaOh, it's not over? Thank Celestia!
for those reading these comments: i am on part 7 as of now. have to double check parts 5 and 6 before sending them off and by tomorrow part 7 will be fully typed. also part 8 is to be an epilogue tying all those loose show canon ends together :)
VastaKustutaOh, you've got to finish this one now. So Celestia-damned captivating...
VastaKustutaPlease Make the next part! I REALLY want to read it! It gets the Kimbler seal of approval!
VastaKustutaLast comment for now... I want you to keep up derpy's speech. Her vernacular and grammar issues only add to the thought process of parent to new child disconnect, and the miss feeding of info and responsibilities that sparkler has the deal with.
VastaKustutaThis disconnect is further pesonified by the speech patterns of derpy, and the anger of poor little sparkler. A masterful piece of work
(Im sure you know all that, but those saying that her speech should be changed don't)
@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaSo we got 4 more parts to go? I'm not sure my heart will be able to handle it.
I just hope Sparkler doesn't attempt to run away from them, though I see it as a likely possibility since she feels abandoned again...
I managed to read the wrong one before it got taken down so I know where this is going.
VastaKustutaBut I really love this.
I'm feeling goddamn emotions for Sparkler over hear. And poor Dinky caught in the middle.
You made Derpy cry.
Why is it only the Derpy sad fics I get emotionally involved in?
Can't wait for more.
*here. I wish I could edit my comments.
VastaKustutaThe story itself is rather sad, albeit not the saddest Derpy fic I've read (That goes to "Today, Tomorrow, and Forever," thank you). It still presents an interesting and worthwhile story that I'm all for, and I look forward to the continuation.
VastaKustutaHowever.
While the story itself is commendable, the straight-up writing aspect needs cleaning up. Spelling and grammar errors, missing or mispronounced words, occasional tense issues... More thorough editing is recommended.
Chapter 5
VastaKustutaOh, you used the same setting! more details to the outburst, and you added a bit of violence. When you are enraged at someone, the last thing you need is to be touched by the same person. the way this goes through went masterfully. my heart breaks for sparkler not out of spite for Derpy, rather as sparkler does not fully understand what goes on around her. You've got something great here, I hope it makes the fanon standard...probably has...kinda like andrewtalon and abacus or pen stroke with his stories...
but I wouldn't want you to have this pushed too much.
I meant chapter four
VastaKustutaMen, this most recent chapter really broke my heart. This story damn well better have a happy ending!
VastaKustutaCHAPTERS! WHY U SO SHORT?
VastaKustutathis story is a real tear jerker
VastaKustutaRecent chapter was so heartbreaking to read. It does happen when kids who've been in the system for a long time get adopted, it's not their fault, or their new aprents fault, it's just a sad, sad fact. Hopefully Derpy can coax Sparkler around with her indomitable spirit and bottomless kindness, love and compassion
VastaKustutaOuch my heart at chapter 4. Its all pretty believable for an orphan and I can logically sympathize with Sparkler on this one. I'm looking forward to the inevitable run away chapter, or something like it.
VastaKustuta@pascoite
VastaKustuta>Jar Jar
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-----
Well I managed to forget the voice, cause as it turns out I was too distracted having my heart wrenched out of my chest to notice. That emotional chapter end, man... Sparkler couldn't be right about their love, could she? Derpy has to love her right?! Manly emotions.
VastaKustuta@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaOh so there's a 5th chapter?? Oh thank goodness, because I finished the fourth and thought that if it ended there... that would be too hard to take. Is sad and scary even, and really hard to take in, it's makin' me think, and and... *sniff* ;.;
it is a good story.
This is heart wrenching. Chapter 5 now damn it, And it better have DAWWW!!!
VastaKustutaThank ya, now I feel a knot in my heart.
VastaKustutaPoor Sparkler...
Ok, why did I read this before even waking up fully: This achived two things, I was late and a little sad.
VastaKustutaGreat storry.
I hope for some sweet to counter the sad soon
Part 4... Build tears in my eyes. So deep, and... real.
VastaKustutaIt also made me ever wonder how this can be fixed. Can't wait to see Mack's writing abilities at work. Incredible story so far.
Why do I love sad stories?
VastaKustutaI'll go ahead and be another drop in the ocean of broken hearts.
VastaKustutaGreat work.
This story has torn my heart out and shown it to me. Damn, but I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting something much lighter and fluffier than this.
VastaKustutaIt was pretty rough around the edges at first, but you're getting more natural at that.
It has left me yearning for resolution. Please provide. Soon.
@Melon Hunter
VastaKustutaWell, actually in my case, it wouldn't matter. I'm logical, you see. Emotions are merely my playthings, as changeable as the winds in most, but my mind guides them as I desire them to be!
To me, the adoption would simply be a useful change, an advantage in my plans for... uhm... >_> ... gardening... yes.
Can't wait for the next part! Excellent work!
VastaKustutaDamn i said i wouldnt let tears out but i did...
VastaKustutaHow many parts is this supposed to end up? It was mistakenly tagged with Complete from the the very first part, but I don't want to read it until it actually Is complete.
VastaKustutaAwesome story :D Had me teary-eyed at some parts, and it had a natural feel to it.
VastaKustutaWhen the sisterhooves eipsode premiered, I refused to think of Sparkler as Dinky's sister.
VastaKustutaAfter this story, I refuse to think of her as anything but.
Wonderful ending to a very sad and uplifting fic. Nice working in of 'Bubbles', it's amazing how you can string all the little hints and snippets form the earlier chapters to make sense. My fanon's changed, now Sparkler is Dink'y sister and Derpy's second daughter, after this fic it's impossible to think any different
VastaKustuta@Aduro i think part 8 is the end,it has a happy ending feeling to it, but i hope the author can confirm or deny it (preferably deny and continue the story? lol :D )
VastaKustutaHoly sweet Celestia, 4 more parts all at once?!?
VastaKustutaVery nice story I loved it if there more parts I can't wait for the next one! /)^3^(\
VastaKustutaThis... was a really good fic.
VastaKustutaIt's really sad at points, but at the same time, it's also very sweet.
You did a really nice job tying in the series canon, and the nods to fanon were worked in just as well.
I'd really like to see more of your stuff.
Oh snap, that was a whole lotta update.
VastaKustutaI will so be going over this later on.
@Aduro this is the end of it, im kinda sad to have finished it. but who am i to keep it from the fans i appreciate so much :D
VastaKustutafood for thought: should i add a new part every time derpy/ dinky/ sparkler make a major appearance ie; appearing together or somewhere significant or even talking?
I just read part one, and I already started tearing up, I have great music that fit so perfectly with this: 'Nero' By 'Two Steps From Hell', from their album Nero
VastaKustutaThat ending was beautiful....
VastaKustutawaaaah ;_;
@Aduro
VastaKustutaHave no fear Aduro - it's finally finished...
...and it is beautiful!
Nothing else needs to be said!
(sighs happily)
I love all the joy Sparkler has brought into Derpy and Dinky stories. God Bless the Sisterhooves Social.
Big M, this story has shot it straight out of the ballpark. Bravo sir, bravo!
After My Little Dashie, this is the only story in the pony fandom I've come across that has made me physically stop reading at parts, unable to continue. This was an intoxicating and beautiful read, filled with ups and downs, and so much depth. Everything was there for a purpose, no space was wasted.
VastaKustutaBrilliant. 5 stars.
Bravo sir. Bravo.
VastaKustutaThis gives the story Bubbles a happy end. I love this.
VastaKustuta@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaYes for gods sake please do so. Actually an update for any of these character sightings would be interesting.
Why is my face tears running down? WHY???!
VastaKustuta@twebb001 with one person asking i cannot deny it; any time they appear i'll make a back story to it and update a new day in the life chapter! this will be interesting.....
VastaKustutaman... derpy's letter in part 5 was brilliant.
VastaKustutaone of my favorite fanfics so far
NotFirst
VastaKustutaOnce again, Derpy wins best mommy ever award...
VastaKustutaThat's at least four now. C'mon, give some others the chance.
Man alive finished all the updstes and was crying so good job!!!! *waves hooves around* ^^
VastaKustutaFan-freaking-tastic story good sir. ::Epic Brohoof::
VastaKustutaDaww level is over nine thousand...
VastaKustutaself containment levels critical!
Thanks for writing the story. You did well.
epic story but DAMN YOU MANLY TEARS!!! T-T
VastaKustutaEeeeexcelent. Between this, the new Screwball one, and then the last third of Sun's Song that I started last night I shouldn't have much problem finding plenty to read to pass the time at work tonight.
VastaKustutaThat's better!
VastaKustutaThat chapter 4....my heart.
VastaKustutaThe story about Derpy's cutie mark... IT WAS BUCKING BRILLIANT!
VastaKustutaSo many manly tears dude, you are a genius
Oh, and after that chapter my heart just hurts even more.
VastaKustutaA fine story. It left me wanting more.
VastaKustutaThanks
FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU
VastaKustutaBUBBLES STRIKES AGAIN
@Seamair Duille ::epicly returned::
VastaKustuta@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaPlease do a chapter that explains the Filly Derpy seen in the CutiePoxs episode.
@Jacky2734 holy sweet celestia, an idea is forming.... it shall be done my good sir. but it will be a challenge!
VastaKustuta@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaSweet! You deserve an ultra epic Brohoof just for that.
i cried. i wish their was more, but like all good things, it must come to an end.
VastaKustutaConsarnit, ya made me cry! And when she brought out Ms> Sweety.....hit me like a ton of bricks off a skyscraper. Appropriately - this is the first time since Bubbles I've had to wipe away a full on weep.
VastaKustutaBig Mack, you sure did a great job on this fic.
VastaKustutaI believe Spiili said it best above, and you truly captured what it's like to be an older adopted child. I can't wait to read more from you, this is a definitive six-star story for me!
Officially one of the best stories I have ever read, right up ther with "my little dashie"
VastaKustutaExelent job,
Also I looked at the sisterhood social ep, and apparently sparkler being dinky's sister is cannon. so awsome job at that
Wow! First chapter and im already tearing up. This is such a great story :)
VastaKustutaWell looks like I'm not sleeping tonight... again... seventh night this week... in a row... for the last 3 months... since I started reading fanfics... The point is that ponies keep me awake!
VastaKustutaI'm going to wager and say that you've read "Bubbles". Derpy's letter about her abandonment was essentially that, missing some parts, which kind of irked me. It's a staggeringly sad story itself, "Bubbles", and while I liked the homage, you should have gone the whole way and just given credit to it at the end. That's what I would have done, anyways.
VastaKustutaOtherwise, apart from some minor errors that only I would notice (becoming an editor has ruined my ability to simply enjoy ponyfics), it was a nice story. Dinky's bits always made me smile at her childlike wonder. Definitely enjoyed reading it.
That was the sweetest thing! I saw some of the stuff in the letter coming (like the disability problems and the muffin recipe) but it was touching nonetheless. Nice to see a sad story resolved so well.
VastaKustutaI don't know why this story hit me so hard. But I managed to cry my way through it. It was beautiful <3
VastaKustutaThis was such an amazing story! :)
VastaKustutaAlso, with Sparkles and Tootsi going to that picnic, are you implying towards a certain scene from Mare-do-Well? :)
manly_tears.jpg
VastaKustutaManly. Tears.
VastaKustutaYou win at storytelling, sir.
VERY touching story. Loved it all. The letters from Derpy did it for me. Congrats on a story well told.
VastaKustutaThis is an achievement in storytelling. I'd put it right up there in the drama category with Past Sins. An truly moving, amazing story.
VastaKustutaIts just miraculous, really. As someone who had a tough, disability ridden childhood, with more fights with my parents that I want to think about, this really struck a chord with me.
Its really hard to communicate your problems to your family when you have a disability, and you really nailed it.
This is easily my favorite portrayal of Derpy Hooves that I've ever read.
This is a masterpiece of fan fiction, from start to end.
@palatank that episode is exactly why i wrote this fanfic, i liked the idea of dinky having a sister, but i needed to explain why she was so different. hence the whole story unfolded in my head and i decided to share it :D
VastaKustutaalso i have decided to add little side stories to it. the first is to explain filly derpy, working title:
VastaKustutaMagic isnt my thing.
@palatank Damn straight. This is one of the three that have made me spill tears. This, My Little Dashie, and Final Dream of a Filly
VastaKustutaA great story, thanks for sharing with me :-). It was worth to read until 3 o'clock in the night.
VastaKustutaA truly beautiful story. I feel that this should be a story that any non-brony who patronizes those who write fan fiction should be forced to read. It is on par with My Little Dashie on its ability to portray emotion and hardship.
VastaKustutaSorry, I can't type anymore, I have something manly in my eye.
Hey there, I loved the story and i wanted to know if i could get your permission for me to do a dramatic reading on YT. I will link the story in the description and tell everyone in all the videos that you made this great work of fanfic. I will also in no way shape or form make fun of it in the video.
VastaKustuta@Flame if you provide a link t my youtube channel and give credit you are more than welcome to! my channel is also called BigMackintosh (all one word as written)
VastaKustutait actually means alot to me that you want to do this thanks so much!
@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaI see where your going with that title.
@Jacky2734 please keep it to yourself :P
VastaKustutaWoah, love this story! I do hope that the newest chapter 8 isn't going to be the last :D The story is very beautiful, warms a bronies heart.
VastaKustutaWell now...didn't know my AIM account would make my name look like that...now I know to comment with google lol. ^_^;
VastaKustutaBeautiful.... :) I just got done reading all 8 chapters. I cannot express what I feel right now about this story... but it, so far,ranks as one of my absolute favourites! I really wish I could write as well as you... and every other brony and pegasister. Alas, I feel like I suffer what my favourite pony suffers from.
VastaKustutaI'm very.... VERY Imaginative when it comes to stories and brainstorming but I suffer when it comes to writing my ideas out. I have a story i've been trying to..... err, start... since April... and I still cannot finish the first chapter without it closing properly or by me straying from my original plot. What makes it really sad is that the story is already lay-ed out from beginning to end.
I love the story! I hope its continues to be as colourful and vibrant as it is thus far!
Thank you for bringing a smile to this ones face after a rather deary and distasteful start to my week!
Sweet Jesus, my heartstrings. I had trouble reading the last three chapters through the water in my eyes. So many feels.
VastaKustutaIs there going to be more?
VastaKustutaI did not like this story. After reading the letter and a short scene when Derpy came in, I couldn't continue. The emotional parts where upsetting me more into anger actually rather than sympathy. The story isn't poorly written, although I do have a few logical issues with it, but primarily the emotional content didn't resonate in a pleasant way with me. No tears, just a uneasy sense of light sadness and more anger.
VastaKustuta@Tricky Step im sorry you feel this way. i know stories like these can tug at heartstrings, sometimes the wrong ones. i was deeply depressed for days when i read final dream of a filly so i think i can see where you are coming from.
VastaKustutaif its any consolation the new day in a life additions are going to be more heartfelt, the depressing parts are over now :)
SPOILER ALERT!!!
VastaKustuta(I do "Drive-by critiques", this is one. Note that most or all questions are rhetorical, so-as to give you insight into the mind of at least one reader as he goes.)
Chapter 1:
the oldest filly in the entire orphanage, as lonely as the day she was abandoned here.
-So nobody gets orphaned in there teens in Equestria? That is what this seems to imply. I guess it could be even more meaningful if you consider what it means that she IS the oldest, DESPITE this.
This time she imagined what it would be like to live with ponies that own a sweet shop.
-Intentional specific reference, or just the first thing you thought of?
” Another restless night, dear?”
-You seem to have extraneous spaces after some of your opening quote-marks (although typographically they are appearing as closing quote-marks). This is the first such case.
” Now dear, how are you supposed to find someone to adopt you when you wont even take the chance to socialise?”
-Firefox's spell-checker say "socialize". Pardon me if this is the British-English spelling or something.
They didn’t have time to waste on this broken filly.
-Might be good to fill out some details regarding what it is about her physical condition/body language/tone of voice classifies her as this to other ponies... or maybe it is just the reason in her own head why she never/rarely tries to start a conversation with anypony.
Or so she thought.
-Ok, foreshadowing...
Fillies need friends, not hurters! Why hurt little filly?!!”
-Ms. Doo/Hooves I presume?
“Little filly is hurt, bad or not good?”
-I assume this would translate to "just a little hurt, or do you need medical attention?"?
Without a reason this mare had seen to it that the bullies left and even brought Sparkler back to the orphanage.
-One wonders what country she thinks she lives in... this is EQUESTRIA, sugar-bowl of less-fallen-than-mankind-equines... then again, the fact that this appears to be the first time the bullies have met with any outside resistance, so I guess you have her in a darker part of Equestria (slums), or are playing Equestria as a whole slightly darker. The one time we saw child-on-child violence on the show without mind-control, was S2E1 I think, and that was punished, if not broken up. Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara may be cruel, but they don't take it to the level of the physical.
“.....She’s going to adopt you.”
-Well, that was quick... glancing at the comment from RifferKyle I see directly above me as I type this, this isn't the end of the major conflict in the story... will be interesting where you get it from... going by previous Derpy fan-works perhaps the adoption will be contested by a foolish bureaucracy, or Derpy will be getting the same sort of treatment as Sparkler was, and having two of them together will only make things worse.
Derpy has lived there for 12 years now.
-Was there some paperwork that had the duration of her residence on it? Equestria strikes me as paper-work lite. The other hypothesis is that Derpy herself was an orphan at the same orphanage.
Well whenever mom buys me something she likes to hide it somewhere she knows I’ll look.
-Interesting... never heard of that sort of thing before.
She had been here for fourteen years and now she was finally leaving.
-I guess that Derpy and her could have even met in theory if Derpy was an orphan there... no surprise if they don't remember. A two year old isn't going to remember much, even if, like Derpy's face, it is pretty unusual... going to guess it was on the paperwork or came up in casual conversation.
At last she was free of the insults. Never again would she have to suffer the bullying.
-Unless she is going to get lost in the Everfree Forest, or a lot of the later chapters are flashbacks (or cover other orphans or something), then I suspect these lines will be ironic.
@Draco Dei now i am one to appreciate good advice and friendly tips from fellow fans, but im afraid i dont care for this blatant insult of my writing. not only that but putting 'spoiler alert!' at the top of your message wont stop people from reading it, you are just ruining it for them.
VastaKustutaif you have any common decency you will remove this comment before i find a way to myself
SPOILER ALERT!!!!
VastaKustutaChapter 2
Much to Sparkler’s relief, Derpy’s house was in fact a lone rustic wooden cottage based just on the border of Ponyville.
-Consider removing "based", or replacing it with a comma...
Inside were banners and balloons, streamers and confetti, cake and treats disguising the house in a multicolour madness.
-"disguising" seems out of place... or looking at the next sentence maybe not, but then they seem oddly redundant with eachtoehr. I would delete the first sentence, and then put the cakes and treats in a new second sentence at the end.
prompting her to cry.
-Remove this? Unless you mean DERPY was crying too after seeing Sparkler's tears, and the next line is ironically hypocritical.
“Nah, she just likes to spread her wings when she sleeps.”
-Interesting point.
taking her time with the hot coco.
-cocoa
making Sparkler choke on her coco.
-ditto
“Mommy’s little secret where muffin goodness come from.”
-Sugar-cube corner, or is it a minor talent of Derpy's? Can't see how bubbles would relate to muffin-making, so probably not her main talent.
a blue hat and jacket marking her as the official mail mare of Canterlot and Ponyville.
-Hyper-compentent on a level approaching Santa Claus if she can hit every address in Canterlot every week, let alone every day.
Scootablu!
-Sure you don't mean "Scootaloo"? I don't know all the fan-names, so for all I know there is a background child named that.
” No, no! Nothing’s wrong. It’s just so.....different.”
-Honesty would have served her better here.
think of it...”
As
-Lotta line-breaks between these two paragraphs...
SPOILER ALERT!!!
VastaKustutaChapter 2
The more she tried to oppress it
-I suggest changing "oppress" to "suppress".
Chapter 3:
She had adjusted to getting up every morning at six with Derpy and Dinky, eating a breakfast that was always freshly cooked and always accompanied by a basket of fresh muffins.
-So foals above a certain age are free to do as they like all day? A space between schooling and adulthood? Or is it just that she isn't enrolled until next term, or that it is a "get to know your new family and surroundings" period?
Suddenly Sparkler gasped out loud, taken back by the earth pony’s reaction. She slumped behind
Derpy for cover, who was furious with Applejack’s outburst.
-"aback" I think, and you have an extraneous line-break.
Applejack, realising her foul play finally reacted to her wrongdoing.
-"foul play" doesn't seem like the correct term.
quiet as a caterpillar.
-An usually choice of phrasing, but they are, indeed, quieter than the standard option: the mouse.
“Yes Mommy, please! I really want it!!!”
-It only now occurs to me that this must be BEFORE "Lesson Zero", or at least a month or so after it... I would think that nobody would be buying such dolls for a while after that incident.
@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaI felt like it would be rude or unsatisfying to you if I didn't explain myself on why I had trouble with this story. Again this is not primarily because of technical issues, just my own emotional turmoil on a very deep level. A level where no other story within the MLP fandom has specifically touched upon yet. I would like to say right now that I am not a stranger to sad stories. I read them on a regular basis and weep tears of empathy - its cathartic. I feel better for reading them. However, as I said, this was not the case here.
Without getting unnecessarily descriptive (and I'm somewhat sure people don't want to read those details in the comment section) just combine Derpy's f***ed up life with Sparklers despair about receiving no love or help; and you get me without a happy ending for my whole childhood and adolescence. There was no helping hand for me, I was all alone for the hardest of times because no one around me understood or loved me the way I needed to be loved. The only salvation that came was when I taught myself to care less about everything, including myself. Apathy became my strongest emotion pertaining to all real world people and things. I only find my strongest emotions in fantasy now, where it offers escape and freedom from cruel reality.
I've been seeing some professional help for several months now, but when I first started receiving it, I found that my biggest obstacle was that I hated the help. On a deep and irrational level, I vehemently hated anyone that tried to help because they were not there years ago to prevent the monumental pain I had gone through. Getting help was a slap to my face; I felt it was worthless. They couldn't save me from my past, nothing could change it. It was also an admission on my part that I was helpless to save myself, stripping away more of my crippled self-esteem.
To be honest, I only sought help to begin with because I felt like I was finally losing control. So it was either that or something much worse. Anyway-
Reading about Sparkler receiving what I have been denied in my fragile childhood, love and help, made me angry. Because I am not Sparkler, and I could not be saved like she was by someone who truly understood the burdens of misery - Derpy. A real parental figure that could nurture her and still make her young life bright with love and happiness.
This post is becoming longer than I expected...
Just know that if you were able to elicit this huge response from me, a fastidious reader and rare poster, you made one hell of a story. I wish you the best.
Hardest thing for anyone is learning to let go.
VastaKustuta@Tricky Step i suppose all i can say in response to this is that it takes a person whose seen hardship to write about it.
VastaKustutato be honest writing about sparkler was my own way of giving a happy ending to it all ( not that i was adopted but ive seen my own hard and haunting times, especially where bullies are concerned).
to recieve such a response from someone has made me think i'll say that much. i never expected to make such an impact but i suppose it can only be expected that a story like this would affect different people in different ways.
im happy you brought forth your feelings to my attention, as a first time story writer i can say that to have such an impact on someone has surely changed my view on the story.
sincerely with kindest regards,
BigMackintosh
Author Makintosh? Does the epilogue to your fanfic "My Sweetie" mean that it is the end of the story? I truly hope not. I would really love to continue reading and keeping track of Derpy, Dinky, and Sparkler. This story actually reached into my soul and rang the tears out. I now have a new found and true respect for Derpy that has officially made her my favorite pony.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@N.1.S. dont worry it isnt over :) im currently writing the first of many continuations, side stories that give a day in the life look into the family. the first is to explain filly derpy called 'magic isnt my thing' and will be posted here. on top of that if you head over to my devaintart i am prepping for a tumblr called 'ask derpy and daughters both'. my DA is also bigmackintosh as well as my youtube :D
VastaKustutaThis fanfic made me tear up, something only a few have done to date. While reading about Derpy's hardships in life, I had a pain in my gut and a lump in my throat...
VastaKustutaThanks for writing this. This sort of story always makes me reflective, but in the end I always come out of it feeling better than I had going in.
Also, I would like to say I LOVED your interpretation of how Derpy got her Cutie Mark. At first I thought it was another rendition of 'Bubbles' (which I must admit I also loved) but I am pleased to see you come up with something just as powerful.
Fantastic job, keep writing...
It was a really sweet/bittersweet story, I was a little sad that there was no "repairing of necklace" however. And her special talent being a perfect family? A bit iffy, but it was just sappy enough :P
VastaKustuta@Kim
VastaKustutadont worry about the necklace. if you go to my deviant art (same name here, all one word) im working on a christmas drawing as a post before i start my tumblr. its gonna be dinky's gift to sparkler :)
I agree about the necklace, but in its own way it was made up for when Sparkler came to know everything that happened to Derpy (My favorite pony now and FOOOREEEEVER!) and they were all able to come together as a real family. As for Sparkler's Cutie Mark. It doesn't represent her special talent at all, but it does represent a dream of hers. One that has now come true, which leads me to believe that she now maybe more adept at using her magic now that she is at peace with her life and new family.
VastaKustuta@N.1.S. what i can say about sparkler's cutie mark is that it represents in her own way her cling to hope. if it was to be any talent it would have to be creative imagination, something i may delve into in a later addition.....
VastaKustuta(Draws in air) MMMKAY, this is probably the best fanfic I've read in a while, if not the best since past sins. I WANT MORE. more adventures and teh lurvs man.
VastaKustutaAh, okies. And have to mention again that I liked how the concept rose up with missunderstandings and whatnot. Since from her perspective, it was a rather valid PoV. But yeah, it was a good stroy overal.
VastaKustutaI really don't have anymore good stories to read because this one is over D:
VastaKustutaI really don't have anymore good stories to read because this one is over D:
VastaKustutaI really don't have anymore good stories to read because this one is over D:
VastaKustuta@~Alex~ its not the end, im writing extension stories right now. part 1 of the first extension is being proof read by somepony right now :D also i have a tumblr called ask derpy and daughters both if you want to check that out:
VastaKustutaask-derpy-and-daughters-both.tumblr.com
@Big mackintosh
VastaKustutaWhat would be the tags for this new story?
@Oryutzen i just noticed they arent up. i put down the story as comedy/normal
VastaKustutathis is good, thank you.
VastaKustutaIf Twilight and Spike needs that much time for every visitor (time to come to the door, chase off the visitor, rant with the dragon for chasing the visitor off, finally open the door and ask), it is no wonder that no-pony is coming to borrow a book ;-).
VastaKustutaThanks for the new chapter :-).
@DaB.
VastaKustutamust be :P I'm just waiting to see does anyone get the comic i referenced, i sure hope so.
@Big mackintosh Can you give us an idea as to how many parts there are going to be to this story?
VastaKustuta@N.1.S. just the two, three if i stretch it. but it wont be the only side story, others will emerge. basically no end to my sweetie :D
VastaKustutaalso follow the tumblr @ 'ask-derpy-and-daughters-both.tumblr.com' i update regularly.
VastaKustuta*Just read this whole thing end-to-end for the first time* I accept this into my head canon.
VastaKustutaThat is why Sparkler and Dinky were seen together in S2E5.
So....much....head canon... ;~; It's beautiful... I am going to pretend this is official. You've outdone yourself, mite. No, seriously... This was just awesome.
You DO seriously need an editor though. Countless spelling mistakes and some weird grammar issues. ._.
But storywise, omg it's beautifullll Q~Q