[Adventure]
Author: Drakmire
Description: Unseen horrors lurk just beyond the horizon, but the future is not immutable.Lacuna (New Part 15!)
A strange new pony arrives in Canterlot bearing knowledge that could help avoid the dark times ahead. What begins as a straightforward mission soon develops into an adventure that will carry all involved to the borders of Equestria and beyond.
Additional Tags: Long, Slice-of-Life, Decisions, Mortality, Compassion
57 kommentaari:
first
VastaKustutafirst, second, possibly third?
VastaKustutaAlso, sounds like an interesting story. I'll have to check it out today.
VastaKustuta@ the first two posters.
VastaKustutaWhy?
Sorry... I had to... I was compelled by GREED to be first... but I wasn't... so ashamed...
VastaKustuta:P
@ScootaDash because of ponies
VastaKustuta@ milante.
VastaKustutaFacehoof. if you had reversed your posts and I wouldn't mind. but there is no saving Applebloomismywaifu.
This is what you've become, bronies? Nearly all of the comments on this new fic aren't about it... I remember the first three or four months of this fandom, back when people had something better to do with their life than ignore someone's work and post senseless comments on its page.
VastaKustutaOn topic now.
This story sounds quite interesting, the whole thing about knowing when and where something will happen reminds me of that movie, "Knowing," which I enjoyed quite a bit. This will definitely be read.
seems interesting, definitely going on my ever growing "need to read at some point" pile.
VastaKustutaAs far as horrifying future disasters go, what you have is a fairly clever twist.
VastaKustuta@lavanyasix
VastaKustuta-A My Little Pony fanfic by M. Night Shyamalan
I know how to stop the arguing in the comments section!
VastaKustutaLacuna Matata!
What a wonderful phrase.
Lacuna Matata,
AIN'T NO PASSING CRAZE!
IT MEANS NO MUDFESTS,
FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!
IT'S OUR SHITSTORM FREE,
PHILOSOPHY!
Lacuna Matata....
Name: Reminded me of Lacuna Coil. Also sounds promising.
VastaKustutaDescription: Sounds really awesome. A pony in the role of the all-knowing (place where I always like to be too).
Really looking forward to reading it! (aka: Screw sleep, read fanfics!)
Just finished reading it (till part 3). It's really amazing! Fun to read and a very nice storyline. In short: Can't wait for the next parts!!!
VastaKustutaExcellent so far, I eagerly await the next chapters :)
VastaKustutaThis story certainly is intriguing. It has so much mystery, and every time something is revealed or explained, more questions are raised. It's well-written to boot!
VastaKustutaI also applaud the author's method of referencing current events in Ponyville (s2). They don't seem forced at all, and help the events of the story to seem more . . . relevant.
I can't wait to read more.
I apologise for the double post, but one thing I did notice is that fimfiction.net has a set numbering system for each chapter, which does not account for your prologue (e.g. prologue is 1, chapter 1 is 2, and so on). This, while not presenting too much of a problem, did lead to some confusion.
VastaKustutaI might suggest renumbering the chapters starting with prologue as chapter 1, albeit a short one, merely so that they match the format of the site.
What a delightful gem this story is. I'm glad I found it while going through the past few day's worth of fics. The characterizations so far are excellent and from what I can see of the story, it seems very well crafted.
VastaKustutaI look forward to reading more of this.
Wow, this just got weird. I'm intrigued.
VastaKustuta@Sotha
VastaKustutaHaha, well, I hope to at least keep it interesting enough to read. I don't expect it to be something everyone enjoys (though I not-so-secretly would like it to be), but it's been fun to write.
I just wish I could get it written faster, heh.
Aaaaand FimFiction goes down yet again. As much as I love the tracking system there, I'm giving serious thought to just keeping everything on Google docs where I write my first and second drafts. I won't get that little boost from seeing my number of readers, but then again, I won't get that little crushed hope from seeing my number of readers either.
VastaKustutaHopefully, the EqD mods will humor me on my next submission and put up all my gdocs links instead.
@Drakmire:
VastaKustutaAm I right when I say the story is influenced strongly by Fallout: Equestria? In as far as I'd guess that the future Sand is trying to avoid is the apocalypse of Fallout: Equestria.
@Kosie
VastaKustutaYes indeedy! It was a fun macguffin to get the story rolling, but I didn't feel that it warranted the crossover tag specifically since the world that this takes place in diverges from the one in the Fallout universe by quite a large margin.
I JUST LOOKED UP LACUNA. It means a cavity or hollow space. Now that just sounds like a sort of random word title instead of really cool. Man...
VastaKustuta@Baron
VastaKustutaMm. It's a word that fits with important concepts in the story. I promise I didn't just look up an obscure word and run with it because it sounded neat.
Loved the Fallout: Equestria tie-in, nice touch. Had a feeling that was coming when Coal and Fillydelphia was mentioned.
VastaKustutaEnjoyable so far, I cannot wait for the rest of it.
@Drakmire
VastaKustutaI wonder if you shouldn't somehow recommend that people read Fallout: Equestria, because for instance my friend (who hasn't read it) complained that he found the story plodding around non-sensibly. However, the problem I can think though is that Fallout: Equestria is bloody long, so having that as a dependency reduces your reader base.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAh, the joys of not being able to edit my comments.
VastaKustutaI don't think it's fair to require my readers to read Fallout first, and I can understand his concerns about the first few chapters being largely directionless if you're unaware of the allusions made. That's just a straightforward failure on my part--I leaned too heavily on the meta-context.
I often consider being a bad, bad author and redoing large swathes of the first few chapters, and then changing a few later bits and pieces, to strip out all the Fallout references entirely.
However, that's pretty unfair to my readers who've stuck with the story so far. I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and leave things as they are, painful as they might be to me.
@Drakmire
VastaKustutaI must be honest. though; I've enjoyed the allusions. It's lamentable that people who haven't read Fo:E won't catch them. (It's also a tad lamentable that they haven't read Fo:E) I wonder, though, isn't a simpler fix to just make the context not be a meta, unmentioned context by say inserting excerpts of the book? So by making explicit what is currently implicit or unsaid.
But whatever you do I'm quite curious to see where you take this story.
Mm. That'd certainly be one way, but my desire was to only use it as a pretense to get an adventure going. The more I lean on Fallout--in this case by making direct references to the text--the stronger I tie into that particular universe, which isn't what I had hoped for.
VastaKustutaFor instance, I have a scene where Luna's playing D&D DM'd by Raistlin Majere-turned-pegasus (I apologize to any readers who just got horribly turned off of my story because of this :P). Folks who get both references will probably smirk or roll their eyes. Folks who only recognize the D&D will do the same. Folks who don't get either reference will at least understand it's a game she's playing and having fun with. But none of these three types of readers will assume that there's a pervasive tie-in with Krynn. That's where my first few chapters fall flat. Fallout's too heavily woven in to the beginning story. Anyway...
It's been a learning experience, through and through. This is the first piece of fiction I've written, and there are about a hojillion things I'd do differently if I could start over again. But yeah, I think I'm going to make sure I finish the story, polish out any mechanical errors and then just let the thing rest.
I can leave my problems in as a reminder of what not to do in the future : P
New art? ~yay~
VastaKustutaNew art? ~yay~
VastaKustutaI think I've already commented on this story enough for you to know any and all relevant opinions of mine, but I figured I should leave a post here to observe that you've gotten yourself quite the badass piece of cover art.
VastaKustutaKeep up the good work, Drak.
@Chris
VastaKustutaHehe, thanks : ) I'll try!
I must admit, I had started reading this fanfic several weeks ago, and I gave up after the first few chapters, not because I thought the story was bad, but because I kept feeling like I was missing something, yet I couldn't pinpoint what (if anything) was wrong. I guess I eventually lost interest, which was actually kinda strange because the story seemed to be very well written.
VastaKustutaI am one of those who has never read FO:E, nor do I plan to. I simply have no interest in reading it (no offense to its fans or its author). However, now that I know what I'm missing, I think I'll give your story another go.
I agree that you should not redo earlier chapters just to remove all FO:E references. It definitely wouldn't be fair to your readers (many of which may be FO:E fans). Even from a practical standpoint, it would likely end up harming things more than helping. On the other hoof, it's also not good if you hate your own fanfic. Like Kosie suggested, adding a few lines to provide some context might be a good compromise.
Hmmm...it'd be nice to at least patch my early problems, even if what I really want is major surgery.
VastaKustutaI'll see what I can do--I feel like it's chapters 1-3 that have the most problems with direction and keeping everyone in the loop, so a few well-placed lines, as per Kosie's suggestion, might be enough.
Wow. That new cover pic is certainly something.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaOkay. I've added/changed some minor dialogue in chapters 1-4 that should make the underlying conflict at least accessible to those who haven't read Fallout.
VastaKustutaAs I said, the changes are only a patch when, really, major surgery is warranted, but they should be enough to keep the story limping along until I get away from my early obtuseness.
Okay, good to see I wasn't imagining things when I thought Twilight was reading Fallout:Equestria!
VastaKustutaThe story has me very intrigued and I am also curious if the shipping tag is going to appear later... Some heavily implied romance going on between Dawn and Twilight at least in my eyes.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaDrakmire is best pony
VastaKustutaWasn't this story picture already used?
VastaKustuta@11Bolts
VastaKustutaI'd be surprised if so given that it was commissioned for this story : )
You can find the original art here.
@Drakmire
VastaKustuta...so if it was used on another story, somebrony's got some splainin' to do
that... was a good read start to finish, cheers and thanks! :)
VastaKustutaJust finished chapter 8. Normally I wouldn't comment until I'd finished, but this story has been an awkward read thus far and has left me needing to get a few things out of my system as it were.
VastaKustutaIt was a slow start, taking most of the first four chapters before I felt that it had built any real momentum, and even then things still seemed slow. When the trio stumbled into another world through the axis I thought to have finally reached the meat that would drive the rest of story, what with the revelation of three imprisoned alicorns; but then Sand up and disappears, Twilight is called away, and Luna resolves the situation with very little fanfare. Now it seems that everyone is back together, which should please me, and yet at that same time it makes that whole set of side tracks seem all but meaningless.
Maybe it will all come together before the end, but part of me feels like I'm wasting my time, and yet I still feel compelled to press on. I read Eternal in all of it's ponderous glory in a mere two days, the fact that this story leaves me struggling to finish more than a single chapter per day has me utterly confused. It's certainly not that I'm bored, I'd quit if I weren't enjoying what I've read, and yet no matter how curious each chapter leaves me I somehow feel too drained to continue with any haste.
Honestly I'm not really certain what to think any more, or why I'm bothering to post about it, but that's were this story has left me thus far.
I'm only on chapter 6, but this is one of the better fics I've read. I'm curious about something though. Is there an implied ship between Dawn and Twilight?
VastaKustutaAlso, @62835fdc-3fb1-11e1-9fc6-000bcdcb2996
How do you remember your username?
Just finished. I don't know if it's because the story picked up or if my previous post helped me work through what ever had been holding me back, but the second half, such as it were, was noticibly easier to read.
VastaKustutaThat said, I'm still not sure what to make of this story. It really does have an awkward pacing, seeming languishing too long on minor trivialities, while hastily rushing through the conclusions of what would normally be the more interesting points of any other story. It also has a tendency to go off the rails as it were, introducing numerous sidetracks that seem to come out of nowhere, only to then jump back into line without ever really resolving anything. A chaotic jumble of exciting but seeming pointless endeavors.
"...full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing."
Though that's an unfair criticism at best. There is after all a lot of fascinating symbolism and effort put into the whole, it just never seems to add up to anything meaningful. A story that is less than the sum of its parts.
Then there are the last two chapters, that seem as though they try to bring the whole narrative to an epic conclusion, but rush through the process so swiftly that it all falls dreadfully of flat. Furthermore, while it resolves the greater issues, it never addresses the fallout at a personal level and thus fails to provide a proper closure to the character arcs.
I know the author has said that the rushed ending was because he was struggling with burnout. That it was a choice between rushing the ending or never finishing, but I can't rightly agree with that choice. The story could have ended quite nicely midway or so through chapter 13. Yes there would still be the mysteries of Fjieena din Tor to resolve, but it seems to me that could have been the meat of another story and that this one should have been aloud to end with the conclusion of the quest to meet the erudite.
I enjoyed this story. I enjoyed the adventure. I enjoyed the characters. I don't regret having taken the time to read it, and yet I still also feel like it was all a waste of time.
I really don't know how to go about concluding the review/critique/ramble, but seeing as the story itself seemed to have that problem maybe that's all to appropriate.
@PonchoPwns
It's actually not my user name. I post using my AOL account which for some reason insists on using an opacity filter that hides my actual screen name.
@62835fdc-3fb1-11e1-9fc6-000bcdcb2996
VastaKustutaFirst, thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed feedback. When I started writing Lacuna, I was deathly afraid that negative comments would wreck me, but I'm happy to report otherwise. It could be that the time I've spent working with reviewers has given me a thicker skin, but I'm pretty sure a significant portion is due to the detail of your comments. So thank you for that.
(You may notice I tend to type a lot, even outside of my story : P)
Second, I apologize that you felt that the story wasted your time. Despite its other failings, I hoped that the story wouldn't leave readers feeling like that, but I can certainly understand why.
I hope you'll take the rest of what I say not as some attempt at justifying the quality of my story, bur rather as an explanation. If nothing else, I like to think Lacuna had at least one constant message: we could all do with a little more understanding.
I fantasize about rewriting Lacuna, but I'm told that's extremely bad form. I know some others do it with seemingly no harm done, but even if I weren't restrained by this belief, I want to move onto other projects. I can leave it as-is as a testament to my first time writing and use it as a yardstick for how much I (hopefully) improve.
The difference in quality about midway was probably where I picked up a pre-publish reviewer (actually two) to help me out. You may notice I tag a reviewer named Chris in every chapter (and I'm honestly not sure whether I'm doing him a disservice in doing so, for reasons that follow), but up until that halfway point, he was working off of my published chapters and didn't have the freedom to do more than point out basic mechanical errors or significant plot holes.
At around...chapter 11, he was able to catch up, and I also had Cold in Gardez marking up my writing, so both of them looking things over helped immensely. I just shake my head at some of the things I eventually trimmed, wondering what the story would have been like if I'd found reviewers from the get-go. Lesson learned.
As you noted, pacing was always an issue. Fear of dragging things out in some parts led to rushing through other parts as a sort of desperate countermeasure, and often times, both left the story off-balance. I don't know if I actually mentioned it in the comment stream anywhere, but the running joke for a scene dragging on was the idea of the characters having a discussion over food or drinks. Seriously, I did that so, so much. Combo this with using their dialogue as just a vehicle for exposition, and we end up with a fairly unrealistic back and forth that just lasted forever. (FOR-EV-ER). Add to the mix my entry-level pseudo-philosophical ramblings and we end up with a lot of fat that could have been trimmed.
And of course, the tangents. Oh the tangents. If there's one thing I've resolved to do in future adventure stories like this, it's to not publish until I have the entire story written out so that I can go back and fix those random bits that just stick out all over the place.
Overall, it was... a learning experience. One whose lessons I hope I can remember the next time I write a serial story like this, but for the foreseeable future, I'm sticking to one-shots where I can really hammer down a lot of my bad habits.
Again, thank you for taking the time and consideration to leave me your thoughts.
-Drak
@Drakmire
VastaKustutaI'm glad my ramblings were something you could appreciate. Though I would like to reiterate, that for all my complaints I still enjoyed the story and I'm glad I took the time, wasted or otherwise, to read it. I wouldn't have finished if that much weren't true, and I certainly wouldn't have written such an extensive feedback.
Anyway, I'm also glad to hear that you plan to continue writing. Regardless of any faults, this story shows off a great potential. You took on an ambitious project and saw it through to completion. That's more than many can say, and if you've learned from the experience then all the better.
That story had quite a few flaws, but I'm glad to see that most of them are addressed here in the comments.
VastaKustutaI think the biggest problem for me was, that the story tried to introduce too many concepts with no real reason behind it. There are various new species mentioned but never really used. There was the threat of war between ponies and zebras, but it never felt real, it was just assumed that the reader knows about it from Fallout:Equestria. I've read enough of that story to know about this, even though I really didn't like it (one of the very few stories I actually had to stop reading because I disliked it that much) - but I still felt lost. It is a sharp edge between the prospect of a world at war and what we see in the series and the story manages to cut itself there quite often while it tumbles around, trying to find a balance.
Another weak part of the story was the inclusion of Twilight's friends. They were always "the bearers", never "Twilight's friends". I don't mind that you try to focus on a few core characters, but you nearly spent ALL your characterization on Sand, very rarely there is a connection with the other ponies. Even Twilight felt pretty flat, at times she just seems to be along for the ride with no real reason behind it.
I think it's a good idea if you try something smaller for the moment. Those parts with a bit more integrity were well written and I would have liked a lot of your ideas more, if they were a single story for itself - the zebra culture for example was interesting, but it needs more focus.
Would like to see another story from you, but if it would be another long sized adventure, then I'm sorry, but I would pass it. Hope you understand :)
@Acriaos
VastaKustutaOh yes, believe me, my next piece is a short fic. It's actually in for review/beta-reading right now. Technically, it's publishable, but I want to polish it first.
I'd like to have it out here soon, as it's a marked departure from how I wrote Lacuna and I'm curious at the reactions.
I hope folks like it, but time will tell.
On the whole I enjoyed this. There are a wealth of ideas here, fascinating glimers that were mentioned in passing and then never heard of again, enough for a dozen fics (and that's my main problem with this story).
VastaKustutaI think I actually prefer the early chapters to the later ones - everything seems more coherent and there are interesting hints of backstory before the extra complexity appears. My other issue is that I had trouble following the overall plot - I'm still not really sure about the connections between the various 'threat' elements. I'm also not keen on ending that are open to interpretation (but that might just be me!).
Just finished the whole thing. It was very slow to start with, slightly annoying with all the secrecy and lack of answers, but it developed well. Sadly, I feel the end was kind of rushed. I'm still glad to see a conclusion for all of this, but an extra chapter or 2 wouldn't have hurt.
VastaKustutaOverall, a good adventure. Thank you for sharing.
Wow pretty lengthy, and its got luna and twilight, ill get this on my kindle ASAP
VastaKustuta