[Horror] Oh hey! Penstroke is back. I don't see a Nyx tag though.
Author: Pen Stroke
Description: After a party to welcome the season of Nightmare Night, the library becomes the target of strange activity. Minor annoyances prelude greater events, and soon Twilight and Spike each take action to handle the situation in their own way. All the while, questions hang in the air. What lingers amongst the shelves? What watches from the corners? What stands just behind you only to disappear when you turn to look?Haunting Nightmare Chapter 1 - Signs -
What is in the library, and what does it want?
Haunting Nightmare Chapter 2 - Agression -
Haunting Nightmare Chapter 3 - Nightmares -
Haunting Nightmare Alternate
Additional Tags: Horror, Do you believe in ghosts?, Phantom Speller
110 comments:
What lingers amongst the selves? Shouldn't that be "shelves"?
ReplyDeleteInb4 10 million 5 stars before anyone reads it
ReplyDeleteLet's see where this goes. Since it's from Pen Stroke, I have full confidence that it will be medium-long, and excellent.
ReplyDeleteThat last part of the description makes it sound like Dr. Who
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it will be good, but grimdark depresses me. Sometimes I wish it didn't.
ReplyDeleteShould I ever feel like a dark story i'll give it a try.
Ah, excellent. I was wondering when Pen Stroke's latest offering would be posted.
ReplyDeleteI get the feeling that, for a lot of bronies, the scariest thing in that title image is the little 'ei' logo...
ReplyDeleteThe 'ei' in the picture kinda kills the grimdark mood xD
ReplyDeleteGoddommot fronk, I didn't even notice the 'ei' until you guys mentioned it.
ReplyDeleteI'll read this as soon as I'm done with Skyrim. So like, 5am, roughly.
More Pen Stoke? And right when I get my new novel...
ReplyDelete@Celestia
ReplyDeleteI agree, I love a good ghost story, but Grimdark is too... dark. I'm torn, but I'll probably read it due to cool sounding story and Penstroke being the one to write it.
what good timing, a Pen Stroke story get's posted and I get my Nyx bead art I commissioned at Youmacon in the mail today as well.
ReplyDeleteZecora throwing her pin was BOSS STATUS.
ReplyDelete"There's no such thing as ghosts!"
lol silly twilight
WOOHOO! Thirteenth Comment! YES! Trevor celebrates most vigorously!
ReplyDelete~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equstria
CURSE YOU MYCUTIEMARKISAGUN! CURSE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU! *Sobs in a corner*
ReplyDelete~Sniffle~ Oh well... Guess it's time to read the fic now! XD
~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
Aw hell... I haven't been so torn in eons.
ReplyDeletePen Stroke, an author who has not disappointed me yet with anything he's written...
Grimdark, which I pretty much swore off of after getting trapped in one too many dismemberment/cannibalism/gore fics...
egghhhhh... I guess I'll lurk around the comments for a while to see where the story goes. If people start saying that it's going places I don't like I guess I won't read it.
It is time for She Who Walks Behind the Shelves to come forth and claim this village.
ReplyDeleteSince people seem to be worried about it, I'll go on record right now to give some assurances.
ReplyDeleteThis story contains no gore, blood, or anything to strong. This is PG-13 Horror for the most part.
Smartypants used in a Horror context? GRIMDARK ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! Take my 5 stars, please!
ReplyDelete@Magical Trevor
*shades*
YEA!!! PEN STROKE IS BACK!!! i'm giving this story 5 starts, then i'll read it!
ReplyDeleteoh and hi magical trevor!
i doubt Nyx will be here, but i'm reading it anyway!
ReplyDeletePEN STROKE!!!!!
ReplyDeleteInteresting, I may read this... maybe.
ReplyDelete@Pen Stroke
ReplyDeleteSo basically just "creepy atmosphere" then?
If that's the case, I'm pretty sure the appropriate tag is just "Dark" rather than "Grimdark."
...unless ponies are going to die PG-13 deaths as well.
@Pen Stroke
ReplyDeleteStory is good...but I thought the cannibal orgy scene in Chapter 3 was over-the-top, even for my Grimdark tastes. (guess that's what you meant by "for the most part", huh) Fluttershy doesn't deserve that...
lololololololololol
Ooh, will have to take a break from Skyrim to read this. I quite enjoyed Silent Ponyville and The Silent Shore, hopefully this will be just as good.
ReplyDeletePen stroke is back? All aboard the next big fanfic train!
ReplyDeleteAnyways I'll have to read this later tonight. Should be good though knowing Pen.
Hmm... This story ain't over yet, for seth hes derped with meth. He thinks it is complete, but it is truly incomplete. The way I speak is a clue, but you shall figure out who it is soon.
ReplyDeleteOk, now, I think this story is excellent, minus a few typos. And remember, science says nothing lasts forever.
@Pen Stroke
ReplyDeletePerhaps dark would have been a better tag then? Grimdark tends to imply fairly strong dark/violence.
Either way, thanks for that assurance. I'm more likely to read it now.
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteand now, I wait for someone to not get the joke.
@Celestia Dark would be a better tag, for it is scary, yet has no gore or deaths... yet!
ReplyDeleteTechnically, yes, the difference between [Dark] and [Grimdark] is supposed to be ponies dying.
ReplyDeleteBut c'mon. In practice, EQD's Grimdark tagging system is a crapshoot.
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteAgreed. there should probably be another post re-explaining it or an added explanation in the submission page.
Also, for the record, I got the joke, but I've read at least one cannibal orgy fanfic starring foals in the victim role, so don't put it past people.
There goes my homework, I must read this! o__o
ReplyDeleteohh! it's scary, but good!!!
ReplyDeletei gave up on grimdark after reading CUPCAKES. but this is amazing, scary, but amazing.
about CUPCAKES, i actually saw someone eating a cupcake in my math class in school and i screamed. everyone looked at me like i was the biggest idiot ever.
haha. anyhoof great story so far!
This is grimdark in a 'ghost story' way. I can see this as a ghost story Pinkie Pie might tell.
ReplyDeletePen Stroke, you've done it again. You had me hooked to the end, and the ending left me surprised and satisfied at the same time.
ReplyDelete5 stars.
I'm still patiently waiting for more Nyx, but I won't push.
As much as I love Pen Stroke's stories, I cannot stand the fan-base that follow, and do things like this;
ReplyDelete"OMG let me just 5 star this story and then read it, it has to be good it's Pen Stroke!"
Read it before you actually give it your approval, I'm sure he'd rather honesty than mindless, sycophantic fanboy/girlism.
@Cain.Is.Blogging.Stuff
ReplyDeleteThat is correct; Pen Stroke (and I when I'm involved in the writing process, though this story is all him) liked honest feedback.
Thank you for mentioning this.
OK, I'm considering giving this a shot, but I need to know one thing: Is this story really complete, or not? It's tagged 'Complete', but one of the comments says it isn't...
ReplyDeleteI avoid Grimdark at all costs, but this IS Pen Stroke. hmmm might give it a shot. maybe. I'm scared! ><
ReplyDelete@jodyjm13
ReplyDeleteThis story is complete, the tag is correct. It also has a "The End" at the bottom of the third chapter.
Normally I skim over a fanfic description and pass it by. This, like a few others, is drawing me to it. I must read it...
ReplyDelete...I have no idea why that is, but I just creep'd myself out describing it.
OK, I'm a huge Past Sins fan. This is by Pen Stroke, so it deserves a read. I'll give my rating once I'm done.
ReplyDeleteFor those of you who are asking for Nyx, don't hold your breath. I wanted to see more of her minutes after finishing Past Sins, but there's a problem: She EARNED her happy ending. Anything happening after that, even a Slice of Life story, is anti-climactic. It's like every Disney (non-Pixar) movie with a sequel. They go straight to VHS.
@KainMurasaki
ReplyDeleteYes, a fearful tale of poltergeist, of flesh of pony souls they heist. But worry not for all the mares, for one shall come to ease their cares. A nightmare over me has no power, for those dark demons are MINE to devour! All wicked things things shall rue the day, when the goddess Sekhmet stalks her prey! ;3
Hey it got posted!
ReplyDeleteJust a quick reminder for everyone who both loved and hated Past Sins -- Pen Stroke can write about more than just Nyx :p
It's a good read. Enjoy.
I love it so far. I was really shocked by the third chapter and the identity of the original nightmare (the one Third Eye faced) though I feel a bit let down that the other one was destroyed so easily after the buildup. Oh well, maybe it has further relevance later in the story. Or maybe future chapters will be so awesome that I forget all about it.
ReplyDeleteOh wait, the comments say that it's complete already. Oh well. Maybe if the response is positive there will be a sequel.
ReplyDeleteHmm. I'm so torn. So far, I have loved everything Pen Stroke has written. But then again, I tend to stay away from dark stuff. What to do, what to do.
ReplyDeleteAh screw it. I'm going for it.
@cain.is.blogging.stuff
ReplyDeletethe reason i say such is because i trust that the story will be good.
take buying a book, or video game or movie for example.
if a video game is rated 10 stars, and the company has only made amazing games, the game will most likely be very good.
and...while i said that, i actually read it first. i was joking around. though i would have just as easily rated it before reading.
anyway, great story.
However one thing does bug me. it's fine for everyone to ask for a sequel to stories. it shows that it was good and they want more!
ReplyDeletebut saying, HEY! there should be a sequel! i know! let's raid Pen Strokes email saying to make a sequel!
i'm not talking this story, as i haven't seen that yet. but i see that a lot in Past SIns. ( amazing story, Past Sins was)
show some respect, ask for a sequel once, or twice if you really want one, and if not, don't bug him about it. that is all.
@She Who Walks Behind the ShelvesThis comment reminds me of another King story, 1408, and of the true owner of the horrible buzzing voice, the Inhabitant of the Room behind the Room... Brrr!
ReplyDeleteThis is a splendidly creepy story, Pen Stroke, and what a finish! wonder if anyone else would have dared to make /her/, of all ponies, a monster.
@Pen StrokeSo was the original B&W version of "The Haunting", and that scared the manure out of people too.
ReplyDeletePen Stroke? Will read.
ReplyDeleteA very good read I must say.
ReplyDeleteI will not give out any details other than it is truly a great stand alone story.
@Batty Gloom I do wonder how much instant 5-staring is going on. 4.5 rating at 131 votes isnt that great.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I enjoy this story, though I am sad that Nyx doesnt return, she's my favorite OC. She wouldn't fit in with this story though since her existence would contradict the whole 'nightmare possession' thing going on. I'm glad that the nightmare possessing Twilight got destroyed, I was afraid it would be a story where everyone would have to exorcise Twilight. Third Eye was a really enjoyable character, and Zecora being a nightmare was a very interesting twist on she canon appearances.
Overall, I'm 5 staring since I can't really see what could've been added to make it any better than it already is. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Zecora? A voreaphile? And I thought this story couldn't get any better.
ReplyDeletesad to see this story be over. i like a little scare from Pen Strokes story.
ReplyDeleteI hope to see some more horror stories from you! you write them very well!
thanks for the great read! one question, do you PLAN on writing more grimdark/horror? i hope you can answer this.
heheh, i won't sleep well tonight!
Thanks Pen Stroke again. your stories always amaze me!
YEA. the tag was changed to HORROR. like it should.
ReplyDelete@nathandash
ReplyDeleteIt all depends on my inspiration. I like exploring different genres, so if I have the idea for it I'll try to write it.
So, basically no guarantees one way or another.
@Pen Stroke
ReplyDeleteYea. you responded! and that's cool too! i must say it's quite boring when an author, (One that is very good) only writes one style.
Wow, an amazing fic by an amazing author. Smartypants scared the hell out of me.
ReplyDelete@InkBluPegasus
ReplyDeleteI know right!?
Ah, just finished reading it. I'm so glad I took the time to read it. The part with smarty pants made me laugh at just how creepy it was. (Good to see that I instinctively follow Pinkie's advice) Then there was the "big" smarty pants..yikes, pretty intense.
ReplyDeleteI was able to figure out the "her" and "she" bit in the second chapter, I'm sure it wasn't meant to be a huge secret, but I guess if nopony figures it out then it all becomes clear at the end. And speaking of the "end?" I totally didn't see that one coming. I mean, wow. Just when you think it's over and nothing more than a bad dream, you get yet another twist.
I noticed some grammar errors here and there, but I'm sure it will all be edited out soon enough. I gave it 5 stars!
I didn't get the whole, end? thing. anyone care to explain?
ReplyDelete@nathandash
ReplyDeleteIt's meant to be ominous. After all, the situation isn't resolved...
Which is part of the horror.
@Pen Stroke
ReplyDelete*Raise an 'interest' eyebrow* ...mmh... I shall read this, soon.
(Also, I'm reading above that Nyx isn't there ? She went to Canterlot to visit Luna I suppose, Mmh ?)
@batty Gloom
ReplyDeleteOh! thanks! that makes since!
Dear Pen stroke,
ReplyDeletePublish your works, Shut up and take my money.
@Nova25 Pretty sure this is non canon to that storyline
ReplyDelete*Reads the huge twist ending, then starts frantically digging in his pockets* Hold on! I'll see if I got tree fitty!
ReplyDelete@Ikusa GT
ReplyDeleteThat is correct. Any and all Past Sins sequels will probably be published in the main Past Sins blog.
This was just a short horror story that Pen Stroke came up with.
Reading it with creepy halloween music in the background.
ReplyDelete...I'm not sleeping tonight am I? Actually I feel quite safe in my bed, but I have to go to the bathroom and that's the scariest place in my opinion... I'm sure my dorm mates wouldn't mind if I turned on... every light...
This was a great read! I have to admit I turned on some lights in my room as I read it... I also found it funny that when I wondered why nopony had sent Celestia a letter AJ asked the same question on the next page! The ending was surprising, too.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as has probably been said before, I think you could really make money with these stories if it weren't for the copyrights and the fact that MLP isn't really mainstream... Still, makes me wonder if you are actually a "real writer".
Whoa, a horror story by none other than Pen Stroke?! GIMME GIMME!! *grabby hands*
ReplyDelete*INSERT TORLLISH COMMENT RELATING TO PAST SINS HERE*
ReplyDeleteSo much awesome happening lately! Skyrim came out, a new Pony episode came out, somepony started up a good looking Past Sins comic, It Takes a Village and a bunch of my other favorite fics updated and TtEoAP is threatening to update any time now (if it hasn't already...), Progress updated twice in a row, and now we have yet another fic from the illustrious Pen Stroke! It's like the universe is trying to see if a brony really will explode if exposed to too much awesome at once...
ReplyDeleteAnd it kept me up this late for an ending like that. That's the second time I've been kept up by a tale only to have the ending not come out as hoped.
ReplyDeleteWell written all the same. It kept me glued to my screen for hours. ...Even though I REALLY needed the sleep... Dangit.
Ooh, impressively creepy! This was a very good piece of pony horror; well done.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely amazing!
ReplyDeletePen Stroke, doing horror?!??
ReplyDeleteALL OF MY MONEY!!!!
What I find hilarious about this story is that the Ouija Board is a registered trademark of Hasbro.
ReplyDeleteHoly cow, that made for one spooky read. I saw the whole thing about the Nightmare being Nightmare Moon coming, but the twist with Zecora was insane! It works surprisingly well with her canon appearances while at the same time offering a dramatic shift from anything we've seen before.
ReplyDeleteThat said, my favorite part of any spooky tale is the build-up, which is why the first and second chapters were my favorite - the writing there was quite atmospheric and really captured the spookiness. Very nicely done.
(THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I've finished reading this story now and I'm glad to see that there was no really graphic death or gore or anything, but I was personally more than a little disappointed with the ending and climax.
Now, The first two chapters I found to be absolutely brilliant. It was a slow, building, escalating sense of horror and dread layering one thing on top of another. Basically it was just how you feel about something going bump in the night.
"Is there something out there? I can't see anything. But something keeps making that noise. What is going on? Why do books keep falling off the shelves? What is up with this Ouija Board? Why is my stuffed toy squeaking on its own? Why is the clock chiming one time less than it should?"
It gives a real sense that something is just off, like the atmosphere itself has fallen into the uncanny valley. And it really builds a great sense of dread, anxiety, and paranoia.
...But then we get to the last chapter and I honestly feel that it kinda fell apart. Now Third Eye was a good character, I liked him, and he added to the sort of "creepy mania" that the story was starting to dip into, but for what he was, I think he might have been a titch too powerful. I know there had to be a way to save Twilight, but it seemed a little too easy and convenient for me.
Furthermore, there was the whole thing with Smarty Pants turning into some sort of stuffed monster and Twilight going through some Linda Blairish transformation. Now, it's worth mentioning that while you always do a good job with description and establishing characters and events in your writing, here it probably would have been best to hold off on it. The fact of the matter is, things are scarier the less you know about them and the less you can see them. Over the course of the story we managed to learn all about the nightmare, what it wanted, and what it can do, and honestly, when those things are explained as opposed to remaining a tense mystery, things become a little less anxious for the reader. Furthermore, By showing us the effects in the transformations of Twilight and Smarty Pants, it became particularly un-scary, since we now had a good look at what the effects were for ourselves and honestly, it really wasn't that impressive. I found Smarty Pants' new image to be just silly and Twilight's effects were just underwhelming. It would probably have been better to keep a greater sense of ambiguity throughout rather than confirming that there is in fact a nightmare and then showing the effects of the nightmare on ponies and objects. Make it more like "something could be happening... or it could all be our imaginations, Third Eye could just be a crazy fraud or a schizophrenic, and Twilight could just be having a really bad Lesson Zero relapse." To not know, is scarier than to know.
And lastly, there's the twist with Zecora at the end.
...WTF? Frankly I found this section lacking in a lot of sense. Not only in how, with what we established about nightmares, wards, ghosts, and the supernatural, it doesn't make much sense how she got out of the basement, gained flesh and blood, and all that stuff (it was explained but it felt really forced and the explanation felt fuzzy), but also in that it felt like a forced attempt to tie things up in again, a solid tangible way that we can sense rather than just being ambiguous. It would have been more horrific to see Third Eye rocking in a fetal position in the corner while things go "bump" around him than to see a well established and loved character (who really makes no sense as an antagonist with out it being forced) throwing him into a stew pot.
Ultimately, excellent buildup and atmosphere as always, Pen Stroke, and your writing is excellent from a technical standpoint as always... but the payoff in this story is just not up to snuff. Nice try though.
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteNightmare Zecora was never trapped in a basement. What are you talking about?
Paranormal Activity with ponies?
ReplyDelete@Batty Gloom
ReplyDeleteI thought that's where the story said the ward was?
This was really aweseome. I've had quite a few jawdrops while reading this, and also I thought I'd figured out who the ghost really was, but the ending kinda surprised me. Also it was really awesome how everything fit to the nightmare night episode. All in all, really immpressive.
ReplyDelete@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteYes, the ward was in the basement but its job was to keep Zecora out of the building. That's why Third Eye had those wards all around Ponyville and in his own house, too. That's also why he hadn't been out of his house for so long, as he thought Zecora was always waiting for him.
@JiiKoo
ReplyDeleteYeah, I went back and reread it. I see that now. I somehow saw it as she was trapped in a pile of bones inside the ward circle somehow. Don't know how I got that idea.
Still, I feel the rest of my points about chapter 3 still stand, including most of my points about Zecora (just not where she was hanging out for so long). At least they do for me. It sorta turned into less of a horror story and more of an action story at the end there and it broke flow, tone, and consistency pretty badly.
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteI sort of have to agree with you on chapter 3 in that it didn't have quite the same creepy feel as the first two chapters as it became more action-heavy and everything was explained. Still, the action I don't really mind as it was justified in story context. Too much explanation in the end was a bigger problem. I can't point to any specific lines, but Zecora's cooking scene could be different, with less words overall.
I don't really have a problem with Zecora being a nightmare and how she got flesh and stuff. Remember, magic! :D Still, the ending, even though it came out of nowhere, felt a bit... weird. Twi and others have their memories wiped, that I can understand. Somehow Smartypants is fixed and there are no signs of anything unusual in the library? Ookay, maybe some nightmare magic, sure. But there is the fact that they have sent Celestia a letter which she will probably read later on is a problem. I doubt the guards would just destroy a letter meant for their princess. And even though I said I can understand wiping memories, there's bound to be some parts in the past few days they can't remember and that would raise questions. Yes, Zecora could just be strong enough to create false memories for everyone in Ponyville, but I doubt it. It wasn't even Nightmare Night yet!
Hmph, this turned into a rant and now the story lost some of its power when I started to think about it :/ I hadn't really given it this much thought before. Still, I like the story a lot. Even after all I said those are still just stuff that can be disregarded as minor errors that don't take much away from the story. (Except the letter to Celestia, that could blow Zecora's cover) Still 5/5 for an enjoyable story, though!
Spoilets ahead.
ReplyDeleteSoooo...Zecora is actually an ancient evil demon of some sort, who in the end cooked Nightmare Moon up in a stew, after NM possessed Twilight and made Smarty Pants into a terrifying monster?
....
Imokeywiththis.jpg
CH.1 :
ReplyDelete*shrug* Twilight doesn't believe in ghosts ?
CH.2 :
>She is also the one that the nightmare wants, but who is her? Who is the one your friend took?”
>“We don’t know,” Rainbow Dash answered
-...I kinda hate it, when characters start ''playing dumb'' in series/stories/books/etc, especially when the answer looks SO MUCH obvious and simple (even more so, since THEY fought (a) NIGHTMARE(Moon) relatively recently).
>We know the nightmare’s motive. It’s angry; it had something taken away. It wants to take that thing, that pony
-''Nightmare + Twilight + Something missing that was removed and wants back''...
For crying out loud ! The only missing word here (to be more obvious) would be Moon OR Luna, seriously.
>I think it’s Celestia; I think she protects Equestria, but not me. She won’t, she can’t, help me.
-Doesn't seem like much of a protection, if this/those Nightmare(s) can do basicly whatever (and wherever) they want, on the only condition they people/ponies must first fear/believe in spirits/ghosts...
*Make creepy doll walk by itself* - *Pony can't understand how and is afraid* - *Nightmare(s) conquers the world in 10min flat*
With a ''security system'' like that, who needs a front door ?
>“Yeah... Twilight would believe in the tooth fairy before she believed in ghosts.”
-Hahaha (sigh)... 10min flat I tell ya.
It must be a miracle that Nightmare(s) don't dominate the world, right now ?
>It had burned her mouth with oatmeal, sent a chill down her spine, and taunted her with Smartypants.
-You know... that last one sounds more funny than scary, really, when said like that.
>Twilight couldn’t clearly see the words from where she was, but she could make out the pictures on the book’s exposed pages.
>One was of Celestia and Luna, standing together on clouds with Luna turned away. The other was of Nightmare Moon, rearing back in a frightful pose.
-See ? Even the story itself is almost literally 'spelling it out' at Twilight.
>An unworldly scream erupted in the air.
>It painfully grated on the ears, and smashed every thought in Twilight’s mind.
-GAH! Damn you 'Amnesia' and your spooky effects ! (obvious reference)
>Twilight tried to focus in on its gentle flickering light. It brought some peace to her mind
-Well ? ...an even more obvious reference to the 'Amnesia' game. (saw a *Full* Let's Play of it... Twice)
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteCH.3 :
>Twilight’s gaze did not shift at all. Her expression and eyes remained hollow. She just stared at Rarity. She did not smile, did not frown, didn’t do anything
-Mmh... I think I will bring an umbrella, just in case her head start spinning.
If the 'Exorcist' movie taught me anything, it's to bring an umbrella for when the puking begins.
>I can beat it now. We’ll beat it this time, and then I’ll be free.
-If I remember correctly, the exorcist-guy dies saving the possessed girl, in the movie ?
>Princess Celestia is on a diplomatic visit to the griffin kingdom and can’t receive any letters right now.
-Aren't the letters supposed to magically appear at Celestia, wherever she is ?
And, one would think that a 'death-threat' to THE privileged student of the Princess would hold SOME amount of priority...
Also... *really* too convenient.
>“Oh no, Sugarcube, we ain’t splittin’ up. Don’t y’all remember what happened the last time we got separated?”
-Well, that's already an improvement against one of the classiest 'bad Horror movie cliché'.
>Rainbwo Dash landed beside the board.
-Rainbow (small error)
Also... why doesn't she destroys the damn 'board', and just wait stupidly ? (a bad Horror movie cliché, really)
She heard, and heard again and again, from 'Third Eye' that the board was giving the Nightmare more power.
>She stomped over to the board and brought her front hoof down hard on the pointer, smashing it to pieces.
>“Hey! Why’d you do that?” Rainbow Dash asked
-Why she... wait... (sigh) RD must have the memory capacity of a red fish, in this story ?!
Board... Nightmare... giving more power ? Old crazy stallion rambling again and again about that ? No ? She had *conveniently* forgot that detail ?
>“So, what made this thing? Was it the nightmare?”
-No RD, it was Santa Claus... OF COURSE it was the Nightmare ! (sigh)
>The sudden impact caused her to juggle with her candle before dropping it, the flame extinguishing as it hit the ground.
-There seem to be a WHOLE lot of very ''convenient'' stuff happening, in this story ?
Then again, so are there in most horror movies...
> “Now as I pull it from your spine, let it know Ponyville is mine!”
-So... Zecora had was in fact, for real, an evil enchantress all along ? ...mmh... *Boot to the Head*, damn I forgot the Onions... Next time gadget !
>I do believe it’s the same nightmare that possessed her royal highness, Princess Luna.”
-Yeah... I think this was ''dead'' obvious to everyone, since the beginning... except for the ponies, ''of course''.
> “What a feast it would be to eat each one, tall and small; I wish I could devour each pony, soul and all.”
-Oh, I'm sure she could.
Celestia is apparently completely incompetent in this story, so there's virtually nothing stopping her... Luna was also even barely mentioned.
Now that Luna is back, I do DAMN hope that Celestia is gonna upgrade soon the ''security'' a notch above 'jack-nothing'.
-----
Not a bad story, well ''written'' too... but, even though it must probably come from the fact that it was made like a 'Horror movie'... I must say that there was a LOOOOT of convenient stuff happening, and quite a few 'rather/quite obvious' things that none of the characters ever caught or that they forgot 10sec after learning the info.
Still... there was a few interesting references (like Amnesia and The Exorcist), and one must have respect for the fact that the author didn't fall for a bad/cheap/weak grimdark story (by putting unnecessary blood, gore, or meaningless deaths).
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteFluttershy was never involved directly or indirectly with that.
'' Secrets and lies! It's all secrets and lies with those ponies ! ''
So... You take the 'lies' and I take the 'secrets' ? So many secrets...
Great read. If only this was posted back in October. Maybe a few days after Halloween.
ReplyDeleteChapter 3: [Applejack adjusted her hate,]
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that's suppose to say 'hat', but that's okay because the typo made me laugh.
Okay, finished reading it now, and I have to admit, I did not see that ending coming. I knew when Spike mentioned Twilight's dream in chapter 1 about colorfully being ripped apart that the 'ghost' was Nightmare Moon, and I knew when Third Eye mentioned in chapter 2 that a Nightmare had been haunting him for years that there were two Nightmares since the one after him couldn't possibly be the one who possessed Princess Luna given the time-frame, but the resolution with Zecora completely caught me off guard. As obvious as the other stuff was, this blind-sided me and made me think about her actions in chapter 1 in a new light. Kudos.
Now that I've finally read this, I'll say "great work as usual", and leave it at that.
ReplyDelete...
...
I'm scared. Somepony hold me.
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ReplyDelete@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteThat was an awesome review!I agree with you to a large extent too.
The tone of the story changed a lot, especially towards the middle of chapter three. The way I see it, it started off as a classical, creepy, horror ghost story to become more of an action packed fighting episode.
Generally: I absolutely loved the overall writing style and the ideas from this fic. Third Eye was also given a unique character made him ever so memorable. The main characters were also brought out accurately, and their characterization was decent. I also like how the story is able to fit in with the original show by making links to it every now and then (e.g Dash preparing for her Shadowbolt costume).
Starting from the first chapter:
The steady build-up of creepiness was very well done. I would say that the strength of the story lies in this area. I loved the way you did it. It started off with small happenings, seemingly unimportant things like doors left open and strangely hot oatmeal, to downright unnerving events like hearing voices. I thoroughly enjoyed this build-up. The story did have a creepy feel in these chapters. Classical ghost story bits were weaved in as well, from the number of times the clock chimes to the use of that sinister Smartypants doll. Awesome how you made use of that doll. There was always a surge of anticipation whenever i reached the part where night has fallen and Twilight was alone in the library cause i knew you always had something in store there. But I thought Twilight was a little overly skeptical about ghosts, but then again I suppose that is necessary to be able to write about more of those strange happenings and build on the story. This is a very small issue though.
I enjoyed the idea of the riddle from the Phantom pointer. It was interesting how the words of the riddle were slowly deciphered, linking them to the events that happened. The final answer to the riddle was also satisfying and made sense. Its nice that some explanation was actually given to close up gaps, such as why Celestia couldn’t help, there would be a huge logical gap if the ponies took on something that big without even considering seeking help, cause that would be the most obvious thing anyone would do.
Moving on, the plot was very nicely deepened when Twilight got possessed towards the end of chapter two. In fact, I would have been REALLY disappointed if that didn’t actually happen. From the direction the story was heading from the earlier chapter, I was hoping for it to lead to something like that, and thats exactly what happened. But the deeper the plot goes, the harder it is to tie everything up into a satisfying conclusion. And thats where all the thorny bits come in... In my opinion, what should have been done is a more straightforward, realistic solution, like... maybe just a simple exorcism or something to end off the story? But what happened instead was that the plot managed to get deeper still! By this stage the story has totally lost its creepy feel and has instead transformed into a more action packed type of story... fighting giant stuffed toy monsters and stuff. This might even be a bit ridiculous and exaggerated.
That being said, I would rather have the story go the way it has, than to have it end with a shallow plot. I favour Twilight getting possessed and all that dramatic stuff happening than having something like Third Eye to simply waltz into the library and perform some ritual that scared the ghost away and then ending off like that.
After all, reading about ponies fighting off nightmarish dolls can’t ever be boring.. right?
You've done it again, Pen Stroke! I loved it, and that ending was quite unexpected.
ReplyDeleteI agree with minty. It would've been better if Chapter 3 would've mainly focused on the creepy feel than being so full of action.
ReplyDeleteThe last lines of Chapter 2 creeped me out.. great fic overall.
ALL HAIL PEN STROKE! The one true Edgar Allan Pony HAS RETURNED!!!
ReplyDeletea perfectly creepy story!
ReplyDeletei love it
I will never look at Zecora in the same light EVER... Shocking piece of writing... Shocking but good all the same. This has got to be one of the best horror there are! I'm s-sc-scared, somepony hold me please...
ReplyDelete@Ong Yu Hann
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Congratulations, Pen Stroke!
ReplyDeleteI won't be able to sleep tonight!
Good story by the way.
I loved this. A nicely spooky horror story.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit there are a few bits that I'm not as thrilled about, but the strengths far outweigh any minor weaknesses. Haunting Nightmare is definitely worthy of its star rating!
High points included:
1) The very unique and memorable character Third Eye. This, my friends, is how you create a great original character in a story about the mane six!
2) Rarity. I adore when she's written well. And in this story, I felt all but one of her lines was perfectly in-character, with a few real gems. Her personality is spot-on. (As are all the other characters, but I just take special joy in this one.)
3) Smartypants. Everything done with Smartypants was wonderful. Plenty of nightmare fuel available in the final chapter. But the scene that struck me the most was Rarity with Smartypants, noting that the stuffing bore the stains of a lot of love.
4) The action. I bring this up because it has been panned a bit in the comments above. I personally thought the action served the story brilliantly. Why? Because even when the characters are struggling, the action scenes make us feel like the horror is lifting and our heroes are soon going to come out on top... which makes the turns (like Rarity turning tail and running) so much more poignant. That scene was a sudden realization of "oh Gawd we're losing this!" that sucked the wind out of me.
5) Zecora. The ending frightening and mind-blowing. But even more, I loved Zecora at Pinkie Pie's party. The "unfinished business" was delightful.
6) Teleporting. Twilight Sparkle doesn't forget that she can teleport. And the ability doesn't mysteriously fail on her. Instead, she uses it appropriately... even when I've (momentarily) forgotten that she has that spell in her arsenal.
7) Pinkie Pie's conversation with Dash on the way to the library. Good to see Pinkie Pie continuing her role in their pranking relationship. And I like that Dash had a fairly sound rationale behind the prank.
Great story. Thank you, Pen Stroke. I look forward to reading more!
I thought the ending twist was totally racist!!!
ReplyDeleteXD j/k
So this is the fanfic that's gonna be on RbD reads next?
Very refreshing to read. Not only have I never read a horror pony fanfic, but Pen Stroke puts a good amount of description in between bits of dialogue. It's nice not to see one line paragraphs all encased in quotations. And of course, you give great imagery.
ReplyDeleteAs for the plot, clues were left and guesses to the ending were made. No matter how many times I thought I had it, you managed to surprise me as I read through, especially at the end.
Thanks for making my night! I'm already looking forward to the next piece of work.