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Author: Vehlek
Description: Rainbow can choose. Either she's not a pony, and she can accept her treatment, and forget all about her imaginary friends, and restart her real life; or she can celebrate another happy birthday tomorrow with all her best pony friends.Abyss, Something Amiss Part 1
Abyss, Something Amiss Part 2
Abyss, Something Amiss Part 3 (New!)
Additional Tags: Psychological, Dream, Succinct, Symbolic, Fragmented
99 comments:
Neato :D
ReplyDeleteSo, Equestria is just in Rainbow Dash dreams?
ReplyDeleteHuh, interesting...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis seems like it's deserving of a sad tag. Definitely perked my interests. This will be read with such vigour!
ReplyDeleteshe can choose?!?!? i wish i was so lucky :3
ReplyDelete+ 2 Internets to the first poster for not saying first.
ReplyDeletealso sounds interesting.
YES! psycological torment, my favorite! must read ASAP!
ReplyDeleteQuite interesting. Waiting for "5-star" or above and "complete" tags ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you for the internets, ScootaDash~
ReplyDeleteI'm loving this title. Like Maquabra, I'm going to wait until it's finished to read, though. I can't deal with cliffhangers. xD
Will read, but once it's finished.
ReplyDeleteSo, the question of the day is how did a pointless, barely characterized fragment of what might maybe be a fic get posted to EqD?
ReplyDeleteStandards must be going downhill...
This is a story I like: Enough fuck for ALL the minds! Also, ponies.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm liking this one. It's interesting. I'm realllllly curious to see how this conflict is resolved- will she be able to stay in Ponyville after all? How much of a choice does she really have? (Can they force her out with drugs or therapy or something?)
ReplyDelete@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteYeah, seriously. I like the premise, but this is pretty mediocre at best.
*insert standard "I usually avoid grimdark but this one caught my eye comment*
ReplyDeletePretty interesting so far...I like how her name seems unrelated to 'Rainbow Dash' at all, though she's still got rainbow hair apparently.
Certainly curious where this is going, because the Ponyville part seemed a little....suspect.
@Whiteout
ReplyDeleteIndeed. This is a disappointment in general. There's little to be found here that hasn't been done better elsewhere. In fact, it's worth mentioning that this exact same story has been done... twice... and done better. You can find them both on FiMfiction. One stars Twilight and the other Pinkie Pie. This is not a novel premise anymore, and the less than stellar execution makes it simply a bore.
Also, word of advice, the word "fuck" does not make your story mature, edgy, dark, or more meaningful. peppering every sentence with it just makes you look like a whiny teenager.
I have seen comics, as well as a few fics like this, where it was in Twilights or Pinkies imagination. Rainbow Dash is the one dreaming it? and che can CHOOSE?
ReplyDeleteCount me in.
Can someone link me to the Twilight and Pinkie Pie stories?
ReplyDeleteYou have my attention! I'm hoping down the road the worlds become blurry, and we are unsure of where Rainbow's head is. Sure that sounds a little cliche, but if I'm reading/watching a psychological thriller, I enjoy my mind being thoroughly knocked around like a rag doll.
ReplyDeleteThere was a variant where just everything Twilight knew and experienced in Ponyville was just a prank that caused her to think everything was just in her mind and that she created the mane six and wrote stories about them.
ReplyDeleteThat was written for the April Foals contest and got some criticism for how it was played-out.
She's still a pony, but Ponyville 'never existed'.
Excellent story. It's nice to have a story that makes you think
ReplyDeleteI don't get it,but why a human? It was good. that is all.
ReplyDelete@Pinkie Pie
ReplyDeleteGot a link to that one? Sounds interesting.
This fanfic about Rainbow Dash and Equestria only being a dream reminds me of "Somewhere Only We Know."
ReplyDeleteOooo very nicely written. Nice spin on it too. Need moar. Now!
ReplyDeleteWow!!! This really cheered me up, it was so awesomely wrotten!!! Keep this story coming, I'm gunna be eagerly watching it!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHey hold on a minute. Isn't this story finished already? I cannot find a imcomplete tag on mobile platform.
ReplyDeleteBut I will sau however that this story felt like it was worth reading even though it got confusing between real rainbow dash and pony rainbow dash
ReplyDeleteI liked this story more when it was about Pinkie Pie/Twilight Sparkle.
ReplyDeleteTo short to be rated yet, ill wait for things to happen first.
ReplyDeleteIt should be a rule from now on that if you're going to talk about a better story in a story post, you dang better post a *link* to the said better story.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I typed in "Pinkie Pie" at the FIM fanfic site and got zilch.
I can't figure out why I keep reading Grimdark fics... I don't even LIKE grimdark! I like comedy!
ReplyDeleteOh well, this fic is very interesting and I can't wait to see where it goes.
This was an excellent story.
ReplyDeleteI like the little touches like the fact that when she's in Ponyville, the narrator/characters almost exclusively call RD "Dash" or "Dashie", while in the human world, she is exclusively called "Rainbow".
(inb4 the human world is actually the matrix and the doctor is mr. smith (inb4 the world outside of the matrix is a dream inside of leonardo dicaprio's head))
Thanks to Cereal for posting my story. I wanted to say that first.
ReplyDeleteThen, thanks to all of you for your strong opinions. I wish I could have made some of you hate it because it made you feel something uncomfortable, but I won't reject criticism. Just a couple more parts will come, and I hope you'll express something for them as well.
Also, that picture was drawn by my friend Kat, not me. I can barely draw a stick figure.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWell, then. This cannot be un-read, so good luck with that. Also, I think that this should be kept here, let the imaginations of the readers take it where they want it. This worked in Lois Lowry's The Giver, and I like the mystery.
ReplyDeleteI like the insane concept, and for everybody who thinks that it is fragmented, it probably is supposed to be. This is about a woman with slipping sanity who drifts into dreams of ponies... It's supposed to be a disheveled, skewed and generally odd view because she is insane!
The uncensored version was TOTALLY unnecessary. :P
ReplyDeleteSo I clicked on the censored version and read that instead.
I'm now curious as to how long RD's sanity will last...
@Jen
ReplyDeleteHere's the links to the fics Sumo mentioned:
Pinkie Pie:
http://www.fimfiction.com/story/292/The-Cold,-Empty-bottle-of-Sarsaparilla
Twilight (shameless self-plug):
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/545/Equestria
And this might be the fic Pinkie Pie mentioned, but I'm not sure:
http://fav.me/d3cx2k4
Thanks for the links, mcgeejabberwock
ReplyDelete....and Twilight is called Tara? Cute.
4 stars man...well written but i got confused on some parts but the ending i completely understood... I hope you make a sequal ( if i spelled it wrong...well too bad ).
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty hooked.
ReplyDeleteTake the criticism and the praise, and use it to write a second chapter even better than the first :)
So I haven't read this yet but from what I understand there this is about a human losing sanity and drifting into a delusional fantasy world where she is Rainbow Dash?
ReplyDeleteMeh.
If it had Human Dash going crazy from visions of being a pony and Pony Dash going crazy from visions of being a Human with the reader unsure if it was 2 separate characters or 1 with delusions and which was the real one... that I would read.
Kinda dissapointed, I feel as if the twist ending is at the beginning
ReplyDeleteIf you like this story, look at this one: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/14864.html
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty much Human!Pinkie escapes from a Loony Bin and regains her Earth Pony superstrength when she gets stressed.
@hurristat
ReplyDeleteYou do understand, I hope, that the part you put in ( ) is made of pure win.
I actually quite like this fic. I'll probably read the Pinkie and Twilight ones to see what's so great about them, but I like this fic.
ReplyDeleteWhy isn't this a 5-star? this is great! i love it. can't wait to see how it goes next!!
ReplyDeleteThis story was better when it got pulled from the blog after being posted.
ReplyDeleteDidn't like the second chapter as much as the first, but I can't wait for the rest
ReplyDelete@Whiteout: Don't think it was pulled; just got pushed back some pages, like other stories. I'll take all the attention given to it, though. Thanks for commenting!
ReplyDeleteThe dream world doesnt last long enough for Dash to be attached to it. From the material presented, it almost seams like she wants to run away from that life, not from her real life. as a result, the story feels rushed and half done.
ReplyDeleteThe constant F-bombs dont help the story at all. sure when shes angry and punching the doctor, a good F U has effect. but mostly its just someone saying fuck for the fuck of it.
Just because a concept has been done before, doesnt mean you still cant make a good story from it, but I cant say I will be back to read the third chapter.
When the doctor gave a different name for Dash, I thought... really? but then the doctor gave several different names for Dash so....
My good man, I declare, this is the most superb piece of work I've read since Fallout: Equestria. The theme is very engaging, as I do love the psychological genre. I eagerly await your next update.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite stories! Please make more!
ReplyDeleteplease continue this? maybe even finish it?..hate to see it be a dead story..
ReplyDeleteBehold a new story genre. Normdark.
ReplyDeleteWell I just saw this, it looks good, then
ReplyDelete...I'm scared, but I tend to like psychological stuff, so I'll give it a try
I've decided to wait for stories to be completed before I start reading them, to avoid gaps, I have too many on hold.
ReplyDeleteAnd with this one I will begin using my new system, hope it's up to my expectations, which are pretty high.
I like this ending. Dash beats Discord. And I can think of a dozen nice headcannon epilogues from this.
ReplyDeleteSo is the ending definitive or open to interpretation?
ReplyDelete@DPV111
ReplyDeleteI'd say interpetation, I'm still taking it all in now do I'd need more time to think
Ugh. With this, Reflection and Who Am I... I'm worried about getting to mired in introspective psychology...
ReplyDeleteBut it's so fun...
But it's so traumatizing...
But it's so fun...
I don't get it o.o
ReplyDeleteThe ending wasn't exactly straightforward, but I guess that's how this sort of story works. Nice, short read, but it's not for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI guess my closing comments are too many F-bombs, and a clearer ending would've been nice. The writing was good, but it seems as though all the build-up was wasted.
I would like to see a sequel of this. Good job.
ReplyDeleteSo...Zui was Discord? These open ending really do kill me somewhat.
ReplyDeleteI have to say this was an interesting read. I thought the amount of cursing was somewhat unnecessary though but still, it was good.
DAMN.
ReplyDeleteThat's one hell of an unexpected ending. And an awesome one. Very, very well done.
LOVED THE ENDING! the ending was prefect I just wish that there was an aftermath of this
ReplyDeleteI think I've figured it out.
ReplyDeleteSPOILERS vv
The real world is the pony one. The doctor keeps calling her different names every time for one. Another thing is that she has frequent memory lapses. That is because she is only in that world while Rainbow Dash is dreaming, so literally nothing happens in between the times she can remember. At the end when the doctor was talking about the subconsciousness's last desperate attempt to hang on, that was what was going on right there, the doctor was the last desperate attempt.
END SPOILERS ^^
It's pretty awesome. Awesome story, 5/5!
Not a fan of endings like that myself
ReplyDeleteNormally I don't like psychology based stories, but this was fairly addictive to read.
ReplyDeleteI liked it.
SATAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN
ReplyDeleteOk, reading this.
ReplyDeleteI'll comment as I go:
Chapter 1:
She's not thinking and speaking like someone who's either normal or crazy. The swearing and aggression are more like someone on coke.
Psychiatrists do not argue with patients about their delusions. Most delusions are caused by brain chemistry and can not be dealt with via logic because they do not exist due to flawed logic, they must be dealt with through medication which stabilizes the patient enough to be reasonable.
Injectable medication is never administered in a body part that is not stabilized, is usually not administered in the arm (buttock or thigh is preferred due to larger muscle mass) it also does not knock the patient out immediately, it usually takes 15-20 minutes to work. It is also not administered in an open uncontrolled environment, the patient is usually taken back to their room first so as not to alarm the other patients.
Why are the ponies so hostile? And why are they making Rainbow choose her own party theme?
Anyway. Chapter 1 done. That didn't make much sense. Some of the language was awkward too. Interesting premise but piss poor characterization. Still want to read more.
For this chapter, rating 2.5/5.
Also RD's Cutie mark is backwards in that pic.
ReplyDelete5 star, 4 star?
ReplyDeleteil be the judge of that
pretty good story 5/5
ReplyDelete... It's a rare story that makes me THINK. I was one of the pre-readers that approved this to initially go up, and now, reading chapter three... I'm amazed at the turn this has taken.
ReplyDeleteWell done! If there's a possible epilogue in the works, I for one look forward to seeing it.
I like it, but I still can't figure out which world is real. I'm leaning more towards the human world, but what I find odd is the fact that the doctor and nurse became so angry with her- they're trained not to get mad with the patients, and I'm guessing that the author knows that. Not to mention that the doctor called her by like, three different names.
ReplyDelete@Melodia
ReplyDeleteHer name is related. "Regenbogen" is the Dutch word for Rainbows.
Definitely glad I stopped to read this little fic. Some people won't fully understand/appreciate it, and that's cool.
ReplyDeleteBut you did a good job with this, and I'm glad you didn't let the criticism get you down.
I, for one, didn't have a problem with the f-bombs. She only did it as her human self, not as the Rainbow Dash we all know and love. It may not be 'mature', but within the context of the story, it's understandable and feels real.
oh my....what's this.....how did i miss this.......?
ReplyDeleteI have to say, love how this fiction ended on an interesting note, leaves the reader wondering if the pony world is real or the human world is and whether Dash is really human or pony.
ReplyDeleteOverall, a great little story.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. No Trekkies here, I see!
ReplyDeleteNEXT GENERATION, SEASON 6, EP. 21, "FRAME OF MIND"
@SpeedyPunk
"As Rainbow paid attention to only half his speech, she noticed one of the scars still at the top of his face starting to bleed, no cause seen for it to start. The bandage had already been removed from over it, and just before it had looked fully recovered."
Equestria is Real World. The bleeding clue is right outta that Trek episode.
I want to stress that a "Frame of Mind" inspired fic is an awesome, awesome fucking idea. Should be INSTANT 5-Star-at-worst material.
ReplyDeleteBut the execution on this was weak. The Doctor needed to much less card carrying villain-y and a lot more realistic. Worst of all, all the scenes in Equestria are BOR-ING. Also, if your friend "falls asleep" for 2 days after massive head trauma, that's not "asleep" - that's a fucking coma and you are a terrible, terrible friend if you do not get them to a hospital immediately.
If this was Sophie's Choice that movie would've been a lot shorter. Pick the Ponies.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was great reading: descriptive, mysterious, provocative. Much love.
ReplyDelete@Rcforme
ReplyDeleteIt's German for Rainbow too.
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteAh, no wonder I found the fic kinda bleh after all is said and done. Didn't much like that episode either.
My god this is like a certain Buffy episode... anyone else know what I'm talking about?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the replies and thanks for reading, to all of you. I'll let the details and flaws of my story speak for themselves. I'm grateful most of you enjoyed it, and that those who didn't posted reasons for such. I've learned from this.
ReplyDeleteOoh, that ending - what the hay just happened?! Great tone, and very intriguing throughout the whole story. 4/5.
ReplyDelete@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteBut then again, dreams are always so fickle in their logic right?
Dash obviously has some real problems dealing with reality, so of course all of her doctors seem so hostile.
Why else would they be trying to pull her out of her seemingly perfect fantasy of colorful ponies?
I really wish there were more stories like these.
Such an enjoyable read.
I am so confused... Why couldn't pony Dash remember any of her dreams, but human Rainbow remembered her life as if they were dreams?
ReplyDeleteI'll admit, dreams are not my strong suit, but this kind of dream seems like something indicative of having a major problem in your life... And if it was the birthday thing, then why would it have stared before anyone even started talking to her about it...
So confused! It was a great read, and I really enjoyed it, but it seemed like there was no reason for Dash to be having these dreams. Though it felt as if Rainbow actually had a reason. At least, so far as being in that asylum went...
Though, I really wish I could escape into the pony-verse like Rainbow did. :p
Would have liked some more occuring in the scenes in Equestria. Barely any mention of Rainbow's love of flying and such. That should have weighed on her mind a bit more I felt.
ReplyDeleteBut overall this was thought provoking, not bad.
Pony Jacob's Ladder?
ReplyDeleteReview time:
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that this story premise has been used before. I've encountered a slightly similar story called "Somewhere Only We Know" with Rainbow Dash being an actual pony in the real world that dreams of Equestria. That was executed rather poorly in my opinion. This story was much better. Upon examination, I would say that this kind of premise is one of my guilty pleasures. For some reason I'm drawn to these stories that deal with a character's sanity. As such, I enjoyed this quite a bit.
Some people criticized the characterization in this story. That's not really an issue when something deals with the mane 6. Their characters are well established in the show, and the only way to truly screw up is to show us something contrary to established canon. For the little characterization in here, that wasn't a problem. The few lines spoken fit their characters just fine.
The human portions seemed to fit bill for the idea of a person dealing with bouts of insanity. I am not personally acquainted with all the thoughts and feelings of people who have completely disengaged from reality, but this is how I imagine it would be like. As such, I would give it high marks despite any profanity or unpleasant imagery.
The story was good, but not stunning. The resolution was how I guessed it would be from the beginning, so it was less enjoyable there. A little too predictable I suppose.
Final review: I'd give this a 3.5-4.0 out of 5. Yes there are better stories out there, but you cannot just hate a story because someone else somewhere has done it a bit better. It was solid, and it didn't drag on too long. Some people may disagree with the rating, but I don't really care. I grade a story based on how the elements felt coming together for me.
Is it weird that I tend to flock to grimdark stories when most people seem to avoid them? I guess I like grimdark stories for their substance oftentimes... with the exception of stories like Cupcakes or Sweet Apple Ma.. wow, I can't even bare to type that last one, it's such an awful fic.
ReplyDeleteBut grimdark stories I've read like Sunset were absolutely amazing, so I can't help but like them when they're genuinely good stories and have good endings, preferably happy ones.
OK, so the writing on this story wasn't perfect. Had I read this story on /fic/ I'd definitely have recommended a rewrite, as there's certainly some issues with the prose.
ReplyDeleteBut if gets a full five stars anyway. You know why? It gripped me. Reached out and grabbed me by the shirt and yelled "READ ME!", and so I did. It took a somewhat familiar concept and made it work, using a different character than the obvious one (i.e. Pinkie Pie). It had the kind of strange, alien ambiguity to it that I enjoy in this kind of story. And man, I'm so glad (SPOILER) that it went for an ambiguous ending.
Great work, Vehlek. This is pretty damn good.
(Although to be honest, I'd say it's Light-Grimdark at the very worst. No blood and only one scene of serious violence.)