Equestrian Inquirer Issue #12

Issue 12 is up and available! Check it all out after the break, or hit up the formatted google doc here!


Issue #12

EQUESTRIA MOURNS THE LOSS OF

APPLEBLOOM’S CUTIE POX-DERIVED TACOS

By Joe Stevens

            Ponies all over this fair kingdom of ours are heaving a heavy sigh of grumbling tummies today as Unreliable Sources have confirmed the utter destruction of one of the greatest taco making talents ever to grace our lives with its presence.

Everypony is aware of Ponyville’s Applebloom recently being afflicted with a previously-thought extinct disease known as Cutie Pox. Initial discovery of the disease led ponies to flee in terror that they too might be unwillingly forced to sweep chimneys, balance dishes, sing soulful ballads of lands long lost or forgotten, or perform other cutie-mark-derived talents. Amongst the myriad talents Applebloom’s cutie pox inflicted upon her, such as hoop-de-hooping, tap-dancing, and onomatopoeia, was the ability to make the most absolutely delicious tacos ever crafted by mortal hooves.

            Sadly, this taco-making talent ended with the cure of Applebloom’s affliction. And the world is a worse place for it.
            “Why! Why dear Celestia!” quoted Ponyville resident, Cheerilee, “Those were the best tacos I’ve ever tasted!”
            “She put guacamole in mine! Guacamole! It’s just crazy enough to be amazing!” quoted a babbling Octavia as she attempted to console her loss of tacos in the tears of abject despair.
            When asked how many tacos Pinkie Pie had eaten, she quoted as saying, “Three. Okay, six! Okay, okay I had two hundred seventy five and three quarters they were so good I tried to give Gummy one but I only let him eat a quarter before I had to eat it I mean did you see the things she put in those tacos it was like eating the most amazing thing that could possibly be eaten and I don’t know if I’ll ever eat anything again and oh no I can’t even eat cupcakes anymore they were so good, so good sooo goooooo…” There was a lot more but this reporter was too busy joining Pinkie Pie in a bubbling hug as we both bawled our eyes out.

It seems that the talent to craft and serve thousands of tacos so tasty that one bite will send the senses to a euphoric bliss surpassing the nirvanas of all the metaphysical legends foretold since the beginning of the ages occurred and ended in so short a time that ponies had no chance to realize what tragedy it was to cure Applebloom’s ailment.

            “Had I but known of this delicious food, she would have remained poxed for the greater good,” quoted Zecora, the now despised source of Applebloom’s cure.
             Several scientists, zoologists, chemists, mechanics, and pretty much any profession in Ponyville have devoted massive resources in an attempt to revive the tacos. Sadly, all efforts have met with only so-so tacos. Several cases of cutie pox have occurred, but the only talents found in test subjects ended up being skills in computer design, art history, murder, and many other not-taco-related cutie marks. Applebloom could not be reached for comment as she’s currently in our kitchen under a highly scientific study. Donations of avocados, ground beef, and tortillas are greatly encouraged and can be dropped off at the EI main office.

PONYVILLE MOVING SERVICES WINS LAWSUIT

OVER DROPPING THINGS ON PONIES

By Freddy Baxter

            In a completely unexpected decision, the Supreme Court of Equestria has ruled in favor of Ponyville Moving Company in its defense over repeatedly dropping things on ponies. While there is ample evidence that over the course of many months things such as anvils, couches, and priceless works of art have been dropped from an unsafe altitude onto the heads of unsuspecting passersby below, the court ruled unanimously that the moving company was not at fault.
            The principal defense in the company’s case: muffins. No clue how that worked.

BOWLING COMPETITOR BARRED FROM LEAGUE PLAY

AFTER DRAWING A GUN ON AN OPPONENT

            The Ponyville bowling league is scratching its heads in confusion and annoyance today after a competitor drew a gun on an opponent over an altercation involving an illegal move. The alleged incident occurred when an as yet unnamed bowling filly bowled a strike and earned a bowling cutie-mark. This filly’s opponent, one Waltrot Sobcart, claimed that the filly crossed the line, thus rendering the strike to be invalid. When the newly cutie-marked pony disagreed, Waltrot became enraged and drew a firearm from his bowling bag.
            Many ponies attempted to calm Mr. Sobcart, to no avail. One of his friends, Ponald ‘Ponny’ Kerabeatsoats, tried to speak calmly with his friend. This caused Waltrot to roar, “You’re out of your element, Ponny!” to Ponald and to the filly who threw the strike, “You’re entering a world of friendship. I’m about to love and tolerate the expletive out of you if you don’t change the score of that frame!”
            It was only the efforts of one pony known only as “The Shoed” that prevented violence from occurring. Shoed had apparently been drinking a glass of apple cider and complained to Waltrot that “There’s a beverage here, brony,” before taking the gun away from his friend.
            When asked why the Shoed intervened in such a brave way, he merely said, “The Shoed abides.”

GUMSHOE’S CORNER

EI Muckraker Section

PRINCESS LUNA MOVES FORWARD WITH SPACE PROGRAM

DESPITE BUDGET CUTS

By Gumshoe

            In an unprecedented conflict of interest within the royal family, Princess Luna has decided to move forward with the Royal Equestrian Space Administration’s (RESA) plans to put a pony on Mars.
            “We have lots of experience in outer space,” quoted Luna when asked why she was moving forward with the program, “It’s not that bad.”
            This comes against the command of Princess Celestia herself. The princess has publicly come out against the space program as a waste of funds in an economy that continues to suffer under a housing crisis (mainly caused by parasprites) and gem shortage (mainly caused by Spike), not to mention the rising military budget tasked with fighting two wars over Nightmare Moon and Discord.
            Neighl Armstrong, chief officer at RESA, had this to say, “We are pleased to have the ability to move forward with this vital scientific discovery.” Armstrong told us that as yet their spaceship tasked with getting to Mars was a rocket with hundreds of unicorns secured inside. “We’re seeing some great progress with teleportation. We just need a little more time to have a magical atmosphere crafted and we can easily break orbit.”
            Princess Celestia’s main complaint of RESA, however, is that she can basically teleport to Mars herself. She has stated that Mars is, “Just a bunch of rocks,” and not worth the effort and cost of normal ponies traveling.
            “While we appreciate our sister’s perspective,” quoted Luna, “It’s less about it being useful to travel to Mars, and more about the adventure itself. We believe it to be an accomplishment for earth ponies and pegapodes, not just alicorns, to be able to make the journey. We also left my socks on the moon and figure we could grab those on the way.”

FREELANCE SECTION

Stories Written By You!

RECENT FOREST FIRE REVEALS HIDDEN DANGER OF DRAGON HICCUPS

By TechRat

Local Ponyville resident Spike recently admitted to causing the dangerous fire that spread throughout much of Everfree forest last week. The young dragon frequently put his hands over his face in shame as he recounted the harrowing events to our local EI reporter.

"It was all my fault!" he bawled. "I was taking a stroll on one of the safer trails along the outskirts of Everfree Forest when I was suddenly startled by a loud crack of thunder. The jolt gave me a bad case of the hiccups, and if you know dragons you know that a dragon with hiccups is a very dangerous thing! I'm fireproof, of course, but I couldn't say the same for the trees around me. The next thing I knew, everything was in flames!". He then covered his face again and bawled even louder. "And I thought Twilight was mad when I just burned a BOOK. If Princess Celestia finds out she'll banish me for sure! Or throw me in a dungeon! Or banish me and then throw me in a dungeon in the place that she banishes me!"

When asked how he could have been startled by thunder when there were no storms in the area on that day, Spike responded "It was Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie! They snuck up behind me with a rain cloud and Rainbow kicked a bolt of lightning out of it. It was a prank. They wanted to scare me. Don't blame them, though. They didn't know that would happen! At least, I don't think they did. You never really know with Pinkie Pie...."

When reached for comment, Pinkie Pie replied "Oh yeah! I remember that! We gave Spike the worst case of hiccups that day! It was abso-dutely-lutely hilarious! Well, except for the smoke....and the burning trees...and the shrieking, horrified animals fleeing in terror. But everything up to that point was hi-larious!"

Thankfully, the Ponyville fire department was able to get the blaze under control in short order, but it was still a frightening experience for the residents of Everfree Forest. We interviewed Zecora, one of those residents, and asked her to comment on the fire. She replied thusly:

The flames inched closer to my house
I felt trapped just like a mouse
The smoke did billow into the skies
Such horrible things did meet my eyes
The forest was swallowed in red and orange
The most horrible thing that I....I....

Zecora then stopped speaking, appeared deep in thought for a moment, and began to shake terribly. We had to end our interview as she would no longer respond to questions.

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Thanks for reading, folks! To submit freelance to the Equestria Inquirer, email Joe Stevens at thenewjoestevens@gmail.com. Follow the EI on Twitter at @JoeStevensInc, http://twitter.com/#!/JoeStevensInc. Join us next week for Issue #13!