Author: Trixie's Hat
Description: After Twilight is invited to work on a top-secret scientific project in Canterlot, her friends, who were allowed to come along, are excited to see what it is. But when a catastrophe occurs that traps Rainbow Dash in another dimension, how far will her friends go to return the same loyalty that she has shown to them?Not Exactly as I Dreamed
Not Exactly as I Dreamed Part 2
Not Exactly as I Dreamed Part 3
Not Exactly as I Dreamed Part 4
Not Exactly as I Dreamed Part 5
Not Exactly as I Dreamed Part 6
Not Exactly as I Dreamed Part 7 (New!)
Not Exactly as I Dreamed Part Epilogue (New!)
Additional Tags: Science, Earth, Loss, Between Seasons, Loyalty
102 comments:
Wow, how does Twilight always manage to screw everypony else over with whatever she's studying?
ReplyDeleteLooks really interesting though, will read this very soon.
ReplyDeleteearth?
ReplyDelete@Gypsy
ReplyDeleteWIND!
why is RD on my awesome bed >:( she get hairs everywhere :P
ReplyDeleteJelfes, cause she's magical.
ReplyDeleteHmm... this could be really good, if done properly.
I knew there was something ominous about that hat of... whatever her name was!
ReplyDelete@La Barata
Fire?
@Pinkie Pie
ReplyDeleteWater!
@ MrTanokki
ReplyDeleteHeart.
@MrTanokki
ReplyDeleteHeart?
I liked the story, but the dialogue scenes at the beginning were a big turn-off. Characters were introduced mainly through the dialogue instead of the narrative, making it fairly difficult to keep track of who exactly was in the scene.
ReplyDelete@Greenf0x
ReplyDeleteTrombone!
When your powers combine, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!
ReplyDeleteWith your powers combined, I am Captan Planet!
ReplyDeleteIs their even any pollution in Equestria?
ReplyDelete@Greenf0x
ReplyDeleteThey might have a small methane problem. What with all the manure.
Dragon smoke from snoring.
ReplyDeleteThere's no confirmed link between dragon emissions and lung cancer.
ReplyDelete@terrycloth
ReplyDeleteWho said anything about lung cancer? We're talking about the prevention of solar rays reaching the plants and causing the eventual death of everything, not to mention the greenhouse effect it'll cause.
From the intro and title pic I was under the impression that this was an alternate view point on my little Dashie but after reading it I guess not. Ether that or the author wasn't paying attention.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds and looks like it would be a side-story to My Little Dashie. Just off the pic and the description.
ReplyDelete@Demose
ReplyDeleteAre you psychic or something?!
Same topic, same minute, no one else mentioned it.
ahaha what did i start
ReplyDeleteI don't think the greenhouse effect is an issue when you're already manually changing the seasons. Er, changing them by hoof anyway.
ReplyDelete@Joey Wonton
ReplyDeleteAgreed. I could totally see this as an origin story for My Little Dashie. That story had me shedding manly tears last night... I read it 2 or 3 days ago BTW.
They'd have to wait 15 days to figure out why the machine cut out, and try to make it stable and safe enough for the group to go through... AND return safely... not to mention their target site shifts when they move to the country.
ReplyDelete@Joey Wonton
ReplyDeletePsychic? Probably more like psychotic.
This looks like it has the potential to be very interesting I'm interested in seeing where you take it from here...Personally I would have written two chapters and submitted them both at once, because it feels like the fic hasn't even started yet. Oh well. I'll check back and write a proper review when you update it. :)
ReplyDeleteThis has the potential to be great. I can see it going places...
ReplyDelete@Sun Ray
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm not the only one to notice. But I don't think so, Dash would have to have been regressed to a baby by the transition, and the way Rainbow got to the other world is entirely different from My Little Dashie.
MLD, Lightning and Twi's magic mixed somehow and blew Rainbow straight through the 4th wall.
This, See willingly dove through a gateway everyone else was too sensible to traverse.
Is this other dimension Xen, perchance? :D
ReplyDelete@Chaos Knux
ReplyDeleteExactly
@ Pinkie Pie, @ MrTanokki
ReplyDeleteWind!
Earth!
...
Go Planet!
@Pinkie Pie
ReplyDeleteAnd air!
We may look bad,
but we don't care!
Woah woah woah, wait a second everypony! That's not possible! A Transdimensional mishap that WASN'T Twilight's fault?! Trevor didn't even know that that was allowed! (Looking forward to the next chapter though!)
ReplyDelete~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
Was going to mention how the description and pic reminded me of My Little Dashie, but I was beat to the punch... At least five times now.
ReplyDeleteStorm, earth, fire heed my call!!
ReplyDeleteI am the son of the wind and rain, thunder beckons and I heed the call!
If I die upon this day, in battle I will fall!
Hear me brothers, gather up the ponies, to battle we will ride!
War drums pound like a beating heart, pounding from inside!
STORM! Pegasis fill the sky!
EARTH! Ponies shout their battle cry!
FIRE! Unicorns will bring magic!
From the power of the ponies!!!!
*blinks and looks around*
Um....wait, that's not where we was going with the earth and wind comments?
...
Oh hey, a fan fic...
I like this setup. Looking forward to the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteUm... MORE!?
ReplyDeleteI don't know... I guess I'd like to see more?
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, while it's true the premise is fun as hell (I love Human in Equestria and on the flipside I love Ponies on Earth stories), this story, well... It's very weirdly written.
It plods. And I really mean that it PLODS. THe fact of the matter is, while I usually like to ask for more detail... this story has too much. At the same time it doesn't have enough.
THe fact is, this story has plenty of detail, but it doesn't seem to know where the proper place to put the detail is. Exactly WHY do I need to know the patterns on the ponies saddlebags? I really don't. I don't need to know every single step that the ponies take through the town. I don't need to know all of the things Pinkie packed in her bags. I don't need to knowall of the board games they played.
Likewise, I WOULD like to know more about the emotions they felt. I WOULD like to know more about their surroundings. I WOULD like to know more about the characters they interact with, and this section is sorely lacking.
Furthermore, the times you DO tell us about this sort of thing, the story seems to grind to a halt. It's like you feel everything needs to stop so you can tell us about what's going on, like a tour guide stopping the bus and explaining a landmark for ten minutes while fat tourists take pictures. This isn't how you tell a good story. You need to weave exposition INTO the story, not make a bullet point list. The story comes across as "clunky" as a result.
On top of that, there's the severe issue of the "idiot ball" appearing in some cases. Rainbow Dash especially. At the end there (Spoiler Alert), Rainbow Dash is brash and stubborn and bullheaded... but beyond all that she's never shown any sign of being totally idiotic. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion she's really smart... just lazy when it comes to academics. I don't think she'd be so dumb as to dash through a dangerous transdimensional archway.
Also... why were they building a transdimensional archway in the first place? Maybe a teleportation highway system that might link up all the towns. That I could believe would be useful in transportation. But why would they ever NEED to travel to other dimensions? Is Equestria getting overpopulated? Are its resources running out? Why do they need this? What's it going to "revolutionize? Or is the academy just high off their flanks and thought it would be fun? (/spoiler)
On top of all that, character dialogue is stiff, and some motivations and decisions seem vaguely OOC.
BUT... if we leave all that behind (admittedly that is a lot to leave behind, but still), we're still left with an interesting premise and what sounds like a pretty neat story ahead. And you seem to have a fairly decent knowledge of basic story structure, and I have to admit... your grammar isn't terrible like a lot of stories lately.
You have a lot of the basics down. What I think you really need is a co-writer to polish some of the bigger issues up.
Interested to see what happens next, but it'd be really great if you got a friend or something to help you out.
I think I'll read this when there are a few more chapters out.
ReplyDeleteOnce again I find myself agreeing with Dusty who says it much better than me. I really like the premise (though the sad tag may bother me later), but there just seems a lot wrong with the story in a technical sense. It just feels so, as Dusty said, "stiff" and the way the others are invited but just have to sit around being bored day after day is pretty bothersome. Plus the whole "pass to Canterlot" just seems very out of place.'
ReplyDeleteAlso, one really wonders why they didn't invite Celestia to the test run?
I dunno. It just in general feels like the if one took the same plot and inserted it into something with a lot more....polish...it'd be so much better.
The pic and the fact that rainbow dash got teleported to earth kinda reminds me of "My Little Dashie".
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe last segment of part 3 needs to be refined. I couldn't be sure who was saying what, and to be honest I'm still not sure.
ReplyDeleteAlso, compared to part 1, both part 2 and 3 are very short, they could've been combined to match the length of part 1.
Story wise it is shaping up, but the writing keeps nagging me.
Awesome update! I can't wait to see how this meeting goes down, or how the world reacts to a cartoon character appearing in the real world. I can just imagine some of the conspiracy theorists...
ReplyDelete@Jelfes, but it wasn't Twilight's fault at all.
ReplyDeleteAnyway... so far it's fine except for that last segment of part 3. It's nearly impossible to determine who said what with random dialogue and no names assigned to any of them.
Boy, did Dash catch a 70 yard Idiot Ball pass at the end of Part 1 or what?
ReplyDelete"She flew down towards them, careful not to touch the mysterious wires."
ReplyDeleteOh NOW she's careful lol.
"There was no hope. Everything back in her world that she had dreamed of: becoming the best flyer in all Equestria, joining the Wonderbolts, living the life of a world-famous star athlete; there was no way of achieving those goals now. There was nothing left for her now that Equestria was gone forever. There was no reason to live. Rainbow Dash gave herself in to despair."
Well, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE...brace yourself....YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THE ARMY OF BEST FRIENDS AND BRILLIANT SCIENTISTS LOUDLY WARNING YOU TO PLEASE NOT TOUCH THE DANGEROUS, NEWLY ACTIVATED FUCKING EXPERIMENT WITH UNKNOWN EFFECTS, AMIRITE? OH WELL. CAN'T JOIN THE WONDERBOLTS NOW SO I SUPPOSE YOU'LL HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF, LIKE DASHIE ALWAYS DOES WHEN SHE SUFFERS THE SLIGHTEST SETBACK TO HER WONDERBOLT AMBITIONS.
“Are… are you… Rainbow Dash?”
See, you know what would be a cool grimdark story? Dashie gets trapped on Earth like so, a human fan stumbles upon her like so, and then......BAM! STEPHEN KING'S MISERY!
You wouldn't even have to go Full Cupcakes to capture the horror of it all, just have Dash's captor go on a screaming, way-too-fucking-emotional rant about why Dash MUST BE shipped with Applejack and why all other pairings are blasphemy...RIGHT DASHIE?! YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteI fucking love your shit sometimes.
I'd be totally down with the misery angle as long as they skip the axe (book) or hammer(movie) scene.
Oh... uh... AppleDash, eh? Heh heh... Yeeeeeeah. Good plan. Um that Twilight could turn AJ into Applesauce in 10 seconds flat doesn't factor in your opinion? I think Dash appreciates the awesome factor of the Purple One...
Maybe we can have a screaming match about this in front of her while we Clockwork Orange her to a chair? Good times.
To mycutiemarkisagun:
ReplyDeleteOh gods, somepony seriously needs to write that. I would read it so hard.
@ mycutiemarkisagun:
ReplyDeleteTrevor approves! Somepony start writing that STAT!
~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
I'm intrigued. More please :-D
ReplyDeleteNOICE.
ReplyDeletemoar dammit moar
ReplyDeleteIs this a self-insert?
ReplyDeleteInteresting way of inserting yourself you got there, son. I hope you don't screw it up, because without it it had great potential.
@banannagram
ReplyDeleteJust becuase it's a self insert doesn't completely trash it. Self inserts can work if the character based on you is given proper flaws and character, and isn't just a Mary Sue.
Seth? involved in this story without anyway being involved? .....BRILLIANT
ReplyDelete(also minor spoiler)
Trixie living in Ponyville? What the buck is this all about?
ReplyDeleteOriginal author here. I tried not to make Mason a self-insert. He's an original character, although I did use some of my own thoughts and experience to write him.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so it started out pretty good, but the Earth chapter? Sorry, but that just... That just needs SO much help. It's awkward to read, flows weird, and... Trevor just doesn't want to talk about it, really. Trevor will keep reading, but it certainly isn't on his list of most important to read...
ReplyDelete~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
it's well written so far , i dont know if all bronies would act as manson, but i can certainlly see someone like him , i like both equestria and earth equally , they have a different feeling indeed , but it's really great ,i really hope o se some more
ReplyDelete“First of all, this world is called Earth. I suppose it’s a lot like Equestria, only with less ponies and friendship and more-”
ReplyDeleteOOH! LEMMIE FINISH THAT!
...corruption and war.
...ignorance and hatred.
...slavery and sex slavery.
...tyrants and lunatics.
...pollution and overpopulation.
...sex, drugs, and ROCK N ROLL!!!!
"And, he thought in horror, if Rainbow Dash isn’t in Equestria, what does that mean for the show?"
ReplyDelete...and then, I hated Mason.
It's like this guy's never heard of a fucking Multiverse.
"I'll get you home, Rainbow Dash!"
ReplyDelete*e-mails Sethisto*
LMFAO
so i guess Seth is our universe's resident Chronomancer?
I get it! This is about how an interaction between a pony and a brony can ho as horribly wrong as possible!
ReplyDeleteWaiting for part six, any updates on release?
ReplyDelete@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteDo you have your own website where we can follow all your crazy posts because no one has ever made me laugh so freakin' much.
I'm not sure if it's complete insanity or ingenious wit, but hell, you're funny.
Oh...oh how I hate you...I really couldn't care less what was happening in Equestria. Seriously, you now have two full chapters with NO scenes of Rainbow on Earth.
ReplyDeleteNOBODY CARES how the others are getting her back! This should be nothing more than a little aside you do now and then to break the scenes up! Your entire PREMISE is built around putting Rainbow Dash on Earth with a brony, and you have BIZARRELY divied up your chapters so over HALF of your story focuses on the boring part nobody cares about. You should NOT be dedicating CHAPTERS back and forth between Earth and Equestria.
So far I couldn't be less interested. You put Rainbow Dash on Earth, gave her a little culture shock, put her together with a BRONY, and for the love of crap, even HE'S not all that thrilled or surprised to have her there! So why the Hell should WE be excited about it?!
You have FAILED sir, SPECTACULARLY. This is NOTHING compared to the other story based on this premise. THEY knew what we wanted to see and what we DIDN'T want to see. You clearly don't.
Nice, someone/thing got banished to the sun.
ReplyDelete@JDude
ReplyDeleteNot to be a dick here, but maybe people reading this should be taking the Title literally? i think it's pertinent.
@mycutiemarkisagunPlease STFU I dont need nor want to read any Grimdark shit I mean come on Most of us Love this show for the simple fact that anything close to Grimdark happening. Also a lot of the stuff you want to happen or are talking about would be a frigging rareity to find. I'd rather a story were things are taken slowly. and they introduce those things slowly as even though they exist you'd be hard pressed to find them on your first try. Also not many people would think of the Multiverse when a frigging Cartoon character comes out of nowhere.
ReplyDelete@Vash
ReplyDeletePlease be a little nicer, as you're not the only one who reads these stories. And I personally would think of a multiverse if this happened to me.
Now I am disappointed.
ReplyDeleteI waited for a week or two to FINALLY find out what was happening on earth with R.D And mason, to find another boring scene from Equestria.
I think you should split things up equally, E.G. Equestria, Earth, Equestria, Earth etc
While I won't be as hard as the above comments, they are kinda right. This story is way too eclectic -- the whole thing with Pinkie Pie seems completely unnecessary, there's too little focus on the RD considering the whole premise, and what IS there just feels very rushed and weak.
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting story....but it really has major issues.
GIVE US MOAR
ReplyDeleteWell, that was...short. Good, but short.
ReplyDeleteMechanics are not like My Little Dashie?
ReplyDeleteNo wonder it's ****-star.
This story is... ultimately a disappointment.
ReplyDeleteI said before it had problems. That was only the first few chapters. Then we had all of those needless cutaways to Equestria that felt like an entirely different story and was in all honestly completely boring. The entire point of putting Dash on Earth is to see how she reacts to being on an entirely different planet with a different culture and physics and filled with people that are ultimately alien to her. I do not care about what's going on in Equestria in this case.
After that, you have the fact that once the story decided to stop plodding through the first couple chapters, everything started zipping through at 90mph. It was filled with really weird dumb decisions like e-mailing sethisto and just sitting around a house all day. In fact, ultimately, when we get right down to it, what is this story about?
Rainbow Dash sit's around a strangers house for a little bit and then goes home.
That's it. There's no story. No climax. No tension. Nothing to make you really care. No emotion. No logic.
The thing is... I think the author was trying to put these things in, with the cutaways to Equestria. But this was a mistake. The cutaways to Equestria could have been interesting in their own right, but when you introduce something more interesting, namely a pony on Earth, as the main premise... ponies going into possibly hostile territory seems a little less powerful in perspective, thus making everything boring. On top of that, the characters are forgettable, the situations they encounter both on Earth and in Equestria bland and lacking in tension, the emotions and logic are schizophrenic... I can see that there was some effort but the result is like putting effort into sticking the square peg into the circle hole. It's not going anywhere, and neither does the story. Rainbow mills about and does nothing and nobody cares about Equstria.
So now that it's all over, what have we learned? How have the characters changed? What has changed now that this fic is done?
...
um...
hmmmm...
See, ultimately, there was no reason to tell this story. because for everything that happened, NOTHING HAPPENED. For all the neat concepts you introduced the reactions were uninteresting, the train of thought lacking in coherency, and the events dull.
Look, I don't try to be discouraging in writing. You had some interesting ideas here, but the direction they took just drained all of the interest out of them. I'd suggest rewriting this fic. I'd suggest getting someone to work with as well. And when writing it, you'll want to focus less on Equestria (if at all) more on Rainbow on Earth, and make the characters a little more eventful. Mason was boring as hell and idiotic to boot, and his priorities were severely misplaced (what does this mean for the show? wtf?). I'd say go back, try again, and work toward making Rainbow' time on earth more eventful.
*ahem*
ReplyDeleteThis. Is. Terrible.
It was WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too short, doesn't have enough content about RD's Interaction with Mason and the rest of the human world, take way too long to describe all the event that conspired in Equestia and isn't even that well written to boot.
I was really excited to see another fanfic with human interaction in it, but I was sorely let down. Mason doesn't really have any personality. Or maybe that's just because he hasn't gotten enough screen time for a personality to be built. Rainbow Dash's reaction seems somewhat appropriate, but the rest of her actions and words don't do anything for the plot whatsoever. The author makes a poor display of trying to make a conversation between RD and Mason.
I didn't care what happened in Equestria! I just wanted more pony-human interaction! In fact, that's why I like human-pony stories! It's because I get so see what kind of reactions the author has set up between the ponies and the humans! Unfortunately, that precise element is lacking.
Seriously, this is horrible! How the heck did this get past the pre-readers?
Reminds me of my little dashie
ReplyDelete....
MANLY TEARS....!
I disagree that it was horrible. But it just....lacked....purpose, as Dusty said (I seem to agree with him a lot, hmmmm).
ReplyDeleteCombined with the comments I said above. I don't know what to really ultimately think of this fic, then. I....well I'm sure others will chime in better.
Everyone thought this was a prologue to "My Little Dashie," at first for some reason. Anyhoo, some comments below.
ReplyDeleteSometimes writing a story isn't easy. Even when you feel like it's not the best you could do. Sometimes you have to learn where to yield, when to kill your story, and when to rewrite it. But as long as you keep learning and growing, everything will be fine.
There may be a few harsh criticisms in the comments but there is gold if you choose to see it there. Please don't give up on writing dear author. You can always improve.
At the very least, congratulate yourself for writing a story. Because not many people are able to say that they have. Everyone has to start somewhere, right?
Reminds me of "My little Dashie" to much.
ReplyDeleteI pretty much agree with everyone else,
ReplyDeleteNot enough dash in equestria chapters and after chapter 3 you really sped up a pace that was quite good.
I did initially like it though, its just as others said, you really sped it up and it just didn't come out as well as it could have.
*spoiler alert*
ReplyDeleteYes.
Happy ending = best ending.
Although, that's probably a side effect of being American.
*end spoiler*
Also, aside from Dash being on earth, how does this remind everybody of My Little Dashie?
ReplyDeleteMy Little Dashie was about a father's love for a daughter, how love can bloom between the most unlikely people, belonging, and moving on from the things you know.
This story is essentially about sitting around awkwardly in a somewhat helpful stranger's house while you wait for the tow truck to come fix your broken down car. And maybe international tensions. possibly.
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteI think they were talking about the picture.
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteThis is a brilliant idea and I fully support this.
I ain't one usually for grimdark or horror stories in this fandom, but this needs to be made.
@Tundra
ReplyDeleteOh.
...Yeah, I can see that I guess. Nevermind then.
Interesting end...
ReplyDeleteFor your first story you have done an adequate job. Though, like many others have said before me, you need quite some work on this. More believable emotions, and a lesson to be learned are the ones I would work on first. Of course, I would disagree on the harshness of some of the other criques. Writing good stories is hard, and not everyone has the same tastes.
Don't give in, and keep trying. It could have been much worse but, you were able to keep my interest up. So, I consider your story to be a success in a way. You as an author, succeeed in entertaining me and keeping me interested in your story. But still, you have some ways to go. Keep trying, and you'll eventually succeed :)
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with this comment
I was very disappointed with the earth sections,as NOTHING exciting happened, as you said: "Rainbow Dash sit's around a strangers house for a little bit and then goes home."
And the Equestria bits, they didn't even make much sense, and bringing in extra characters such as Trixie and Derpy just makes it even MORE confusing
-----
I would like to see another one of these, but in much better context, including adventure, thrill, cliffhangers etc.
Well... there, there is my 'Review'
I hope you read this and actually think about what I have said
Cheers
Hm... it seems quite incomplete. Although there was an utter lack of tension on the Earth side of things, I felt that Mason's helplessness was justified. I mean... what the hell WOULD you do if Rainbow Dash dropped into your backyard? I would personally be deathly afraid of what government/science would want to do to her. I would try to seek help from the only people who might conceivably not think I'm crazy (writing to ANYONE at that point is a longshot, but still). Additionally, it injected a good bit of humor for him to email Seth.
ReplyDeleteI think more can be done with this story. Seth needs to go crazy and tell MIT Bronies to make an interdimensional gate. And it needs to HAPPEN.
Otherwise, I have much the same complaints that others had on this page. Horrid pacing, what felt like pointless details thrown into an otherwise detail-starved story... the list can go on, but I think the point has been made.
Oh, and you had good grammar.
I, for one, look forward to anything else you may write, especially if it follows this same concept. Get to it. And I would suggest quickly, before we get hit with the crapstorm of grimdarks.
My mother used to tell me, "If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all."
ReplyDelete...
...Therefore, no comment.
"Not exactly as I dreamed"?
ReplyDeleteTalk about your truth in advertising.
I don't know what I could say that hasn't already been said, but it bears repeating.
If this were sex, and the audience was the anticipating lady, then this fic brought us a premature ejaculation.
I mean, I thought it was bad just in the way the story was being told and where the emphasis was being placed. But one more chapter and it's OVER??
I'm sorry, but you have no story.
NOTHING of interest that happened was taken advantage of in the writing. No development between Dash and Mason, no discovery scares, we don't even get THAT much of a freakout that Dash's entire world is in a TV show on Earth. Nothing is expanded on, we didn't learn anything, we didn't feel any excitement. I love how in the final chapter, Dash makes this offhand statement about how Mason is an alright guy, but HOW does she know that? What, because he took her in? From her perspective, not five minutes ago, she was complaining about basically being a prisoner!
And then she just leaves, and nobody is especially broken up over it. Nothing of consequence occurred. Blow me.
I'll admit though, I outright SKIPPED the bullshit in Equestria, but I just love your totally stock plot-McGuffin shoehorning. What were they, Capria Stones? Oh yeah, fetch-quest objects of legend, and the ONLY things that can make our science-technobabble thing work again.
This shit is so hackneyed it's painful...
You wasted our time, you failed in the most BASIC tenants of storytelling, and you didn't even take advantage of a LOADED premise.
Just quit dude, seriously. You're not cut out for this.
Wow, I am really shocked at some of you out right ripping apart something someone did spend their time to write. I mean its not like you were financially invested in reading the story. How about offers of improving the story. Way to drive someone to never write again.
ReplyDeleteAlso makes me hesitate to publish my own story up here. I mean there is a critique with constructive criticism, and there there is ripping a piece apart.
One thing I can say I am happy with is Trixie's Hat finished the story.
On a side thought, since I read this in one sitting, it never really struck me how the structure was off.
How about offering in helping with the story structure and encouraging more information on the Time with Mason. I mean it's not like it is something which cannot be developed now since rewrites and edits are frequent.
i hate sad stories but this was the greatest ive ever read.
ReplyDelete(SPOILER WARNING)
mason was only with her for three days intill she finally bolted out and left with a sonic rainboom, leaving behind a feather from her wing. mason didnt even get a chance to say goodbye and rainbowdash, now realizing after shes back in equestria, felt sad about it too. celestia shouldnt have destroyed that time dimensional gate, she should have at least, gotten a chance to say goodbye.
(SPOILER END)
yhea you should have made celestia save the time gate and let rainbowdash say goodbye before putting it in storage intill tey were "ready" for the two worlds to meet.... i guess thats why the tag [sad] was there to begin with... i am very pleased and disapointed with this story. pleased at the ending and disapointed at the sudden leave and "may never see rainbowdash again" feeling you get when mason picks up the blue feather where the gate and the sonic rainboom impact was and he says "thank you". either way it was a good story. ive yet to find more stories like this. ive read one story called "of ponies and men" and it was really amazing and great, no errors in my view, except it was never updated. ive yet to see it updated... intill then if anypony can give me updates to fics i dont know about that would be great (if you can though)
well time to go to sleep. this is a great story, and i will be sure to look for other ones written by this author "Trixie's hat"
thanks for a (s)appy amazing story
@Trixie's Hat Congratulations,
ReplyDeleteYour story is Epic (by which i mean the style) It has all the elements an epic story need, the intro, the problem, the downfall, and the uplift and ultimately, the good ending. You should definitely continue writing fanfics this epic, this could very well be made into a short film.
-HaloReplicas
This story was amazing and I really enjoyed reading it.The only thing I think could have been better would be if there were more earth parts. Great story!
ReplyDeleteI won't lie; I enjoyed reading this. It had quite a few moments where it seemed to just interfere with itself. I'm not going to critique it any since it seems to have been done enough by the above comments. Your style has potential to be greater though, keep inproving.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNever mind I got something better to say because I vastly rethought that comment! The beginning was okay but not spectacular the characters were a tad two dimensional and they showed poor decision making skills. Pinkie even in crazy state seemed way out of character even if you going for Out of Character there and Mason is fucking worthless. You had a few nice ideas and I would love to see you really put your heart into a sequel but try reading it out loud after, let someone else help out and peer review it making suggestions, really anything and remember there is SO much you can do if you think outside the lil' cardboard box. Please if you rewrite it or sequel yadda yadda just make sure you really add some heart to it.
ReplyDelete