[Grimdark]
Author: TheManWithTwoNames
Description: Princess Celestia struggles to distinguish reality from illusion as Discord begins to seep into her brain. But... isn't Discord still imprisoned in stone?Heavenly Turmoil Part 1
Heavenly Turmoil Part 2
Heavenly Turmoil Part 3
Heavenly Turmoil Part 4
Heavenly Turmoil Part 5
Heavenly Turmoil Part 6
Heavenly Turmoil Part 7
Heavenly Turmoil Part 8 (New!)
Additional Tags: Madness, Mind Games, Confusion, Tragedy, Revenge
186 comments:
this story sounds amazing
ReplyDeleteponies.. eating.. bacon..? :O
ReplyDeleteOh my god. I normally would've skimmed over this story, but that art is friggin' amazing. I WILL read this story!
ReplyDeleteI really liked it! Discord's character is perfectly balanced between playful trickster and malicious advesary. Love the interactions between all of the characters too. Keep writing, please!
ReplyDeleteWaaaaiiiiiit... wouldn't that mean... oh... Discord is such a troll...
ReplyDeleteoh god....
ReplyDeleteI'm scared
Maybe I shouldn't have said bacon... Eh, if something doesn't make sense, then I'm saying it was Discord.
ReplyDelete@Sun Ray. FALSE! Ponies eating hotdogs is canon.
ReplyDeleteShe's a goddess. She can eat whatever she wants!
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Always a fan of mind games. Can't wait for next!
ReplyDelete@Sun Ray
ReplyDelete"Make those doggies nice and slippery..."
Probably veggie equivalent; they have hot dogs and ham sandwiches (fall weather/bird in the hoof).
Soy bacon. Nasty, disgusting soy bacon. Natch.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this story excites me like few have. I await the mind games wholeheartedly.
@Rubik Hooves
ReplyDeleteWhat, never heard of tofu bacon?
I haven't read the story, but let me just say...
ReplyDeleteThe power of Dislestia powers me to read this fanficton, even if said Dislestia is not of the romantic variety.
I quite liked this story. Short and sweet. Though personally I think the writer could have made the dialogue between Tia and Discord a bit longer and more playful, and use more descriptions of how Discord spoke to her or how he posed, etc etc, to reflect on his character a little more, since the writer sort of... glosses over or even omits some of those parts of the speech.
ReplyDeleteI've bookmarked this for further chapters, it's well written so far and the story sounds intriguing, and I loved the cliffhanger!
Hey, a naked Grimdark tag! :D
ReplyDeleteF.O.H wit dat "LIGHT GRIMDARK/MEDIUM RARE GRIMDARK/SLIGHTLY GRIMDARK/ETC"
Grimdark Discord is best Discord. I also can't recall the last time I was so excited to read the next chapter of a fanfic, or so grouchy that a chapter had ended. I hope this story isn't the short with months in between updates.
ReplyDeletelove discord stories~
ReplyDeleteJust finished the first chapter. Looks good, and I'm willing to see more. I've thought of Discord as a serious threat to Equestria, but S02EP01-02 didn't really portray him as all that bad. He limited his chaos to Ponyville, and limited the severity of chaos to otherworldly phenomena and pranks. To see him as a villain with true intent to harm others is how I imagined he would be if the show hadn't been for kids.
ReplyDeleteSPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 1 (Not all that bad, really)
Anyway, a few things in the first chapter with which I had problems:
-The biggest problem I had was the visual descriptions of what was going on. For example, in the paragraph:
"Celestia rose to her hooves....."
I was having trouble picturing Discord. It says the ink twisted as an outline on the floor. "zagging and curving on the floor" I was picturing a 2D image stuck to the floor (much like Peter Pan's shadow, but as an outline). Later Discord is reaching out to the fireplace and Celestia, and I had a bit of trouble determining if he was 2D or a standing 3D figure.
"the color filling the outline like a coloring book..."
Now that's descriptive and unique! I found this part of text very interesting as it describes Discord as somewhat of a color leech. This surfaces a new question: Does he "copy" the color, or does he "steal" the color from the fireplace and Celestia? In other words, does he touch a vivid color, and fill his outline with it? Does it stop there? What about making that vivid color turn a bit pale or even gray, if not temporarily. It shows Discord stealing the color of the world, sapping it, regaining power (sort of like The Mummy would "eat" his victims to reform his body)
"Turning back to her room, she shouted in agony." (and various other quotes involving Celestia losing consciousness)
Yes, in this part, she shouts in Agony, but why? We're told the turns her head back only to shout in pain. What is hurting, is she hurting, and why? Does she hurt all over? Is Discord putting her in a brain-splitting headache? It says it suddenly ended, leaving me to believe Discord was using an Agony Beam (TvTropes.org), but I couldn't be sure. Maybe Discord was using a confusion beam to blacken Celestia's vision.
"Celestia’s world went black."
I'll admit. This part didn't bother me at all. This part is now fan speculation. I'm wondering if this part means Discord simply made Celestia pass out in pain, or he may have made her black out to take her to some Silent Hill in her mind. I'm thinking when she wakes up, he world wont be normal, and nopony can help her but herself.
These criticisms are not insultive (at least I hope they're not); they're a way for me to communicate with you on perhaps adding some more description. The first chapter was VERY short, only a few pages. Don't be afraid to add a little fat to your text. Painting a vivid picture of the setting makes it easier to follow sometimes, and not only that, using the occasional metaphor as a description adds a level of beauty to the story (and I mean OCCASIONAL. Usually a metaphor parade is reserved for a natural setting, and the first time we see a new setting).
I wish I had more for you, but I just suffered a massive brain fart, and I need to stop, and take a shower. As I said before, I would love to see Discord as more than a mere annoying pimple for two episodes. The amount of fear and anger Celestia showed in EP01 tells me he's much more of a threat than how he let on in the show. I look forward to the next chapters.
Boy that's a lot. I didn't expect it to fill a page. If only I could type this much for my Composition II class.
ReplyDelete@Equinenox Yeah, maybe it was a bit short, but you forgot to say that it didn't mattered, a lot of readers just skim trough heavily detailed parts, i hope he updates it constantly so he can make up for that cliffhanger.
ReplyDeleteWay to go, i really would like to see more of this, so keep the good work
the length of this just feels so good idk. anyways, definitely want to see the more of this story.
ReplyDeleteThat´s some cool Celestia
ReplyDelete@ManestreamMMR
ReplyDeleteIf by heavily-detailed parts, you mean overly describing something, then I say that's not entirely what I meant. The majority of my post involved under-detailed scenes that made it hard to tell what was going on. Over-detailing a scene is usually reserved for settings, the environment. A metaphor parade (back-to-back metaphors) is usually reserved for a natural setting. Comparing a small brook to the wonders of nature adds beauty to a story. I'm not saying this story needs metaphor-ridden descriptions (this is a Grimdark after all; I doubt there will be any babbling brooks to describe). I'm saying a vivid description is the norm. It's just enough to pain a picture, but not too much to bore the reader.
As for anyone who may say "You try writing something," I have little skill in writing, unfortunately. I probably could write something half-decent if I tried, but that wont happen. I don't intend these posts to hurt the writer or his/her work; I hope they help the writer in making the story better, make it a real 6-star.
Good luck on the next chapter, keep up the good work. I'm watching this story!
I wonder if this is really Discord . . . or weather Celestia is simply slowly going mad.
ReplyDeleteSeems like we're gonna have another part.
ReplyDeleteI'm not too sure if I like this fanfic or not, its missing something......
ReplyDeleteHmm.
I think i've seen this fanfic in an episode of Teen Titans once, Episode #31 "Haunted".
ReplyDeletegetting pretty interesting
ReplyDeleteChapter two left me breathless to know what will happen next. Really messes with your head. Love your portrayal of Discord in the garden and his sandwich song. A truly amazing work and I don't usually like Grimdark. Can't wait for the next chapter!
ReplyDeleteOMC (OH! MY! CELESTIA!) i began to shudder at chapter one and then began breathing hard in chills down my spine as my back curled in bizarre disturbance and confusion. This will be a story worth telling GRIMDARK lovers! I eagerly await for the next chapter to unravel events of Princess Celestia's plunge into madness or could she find away to stop the madness. I MUST KNOW!
ReplyDelete@Discord
ReplyDelete... Im confused, but agree fully
This story becomes more and more incredible by every chapter, it's a real page turner. I'm excited to see what happens next, because this story makes Discord a bigger threat than what happened in the show. I still think it's a shame that he just sat there and took it, because he has all of those mind-bendingly incredible powers and all.
ReplyDeleteAs I look around....TheManWithTwoNames is the only one with that A1 Perico.
ReplyDeletelol but srsly, this is THE gold standard, the trailblazer, the template, for Grimdark Discord right here.
Just occurred to me that I haven't commented on this yet, which is criminal. I'm loving this! Discord's riddle made me think of those flowers that keep getting mentioned by Celestia's bed, but they haven't seemed to make her want to "run and hide"... I don't know. ... Yeah, I guess I don't have much to say. Maybe that's why I haven't commented 'till now.
ReplyDeleteWell, whatever, I love this! Keep writing!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDelete9 piece, straight 8 balls, MJG bitch I got 8 balls
I'm actually surprised how little love Discord gets in the stories here. You could almost count all the stories he's tagged in on one hand, and he doesn't even actually talk or even appear in all of them! When this is done, I just might have to do another one with him just to fix that.
And thanks for all the love, everypony!
I'm quite alarmed that Celestia doesn't realize that she has a huge excess of negative emotions.
ReplyDelete@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteHOLY SHIT you got the Rick Ross reference. Cripes, nopony here ever gets it when I drop a Rozay reference. lol, that just made you one of my favorite artists on EQD. Maybach Music. I like this Maybach Music. Sweet.
@Spikely Whiplash
ReplyDeleteCome on, man, she says she's fine.
Discord is really well characterized, a great story all around
ReplyDeleteThis is good. I want more. Please update? XD
ReplyDeleteWell well. This fanfic has accomplished the impossible. It made me think Celestia deserved it, the greedy delusional self-centered bitch. Or maybe that's just Discord being the lovable silver-tounged bastard we all hate. My God, I'm being sucked in! HEEEEELP!
ReplyDeleteWas Celestia always secretly growing bitter after her long years, or is Discord sweeping into her brain? Or is Discord even real, or is he just a projection of Celestia's insanity?
ReplyDeleteIDUNNO.
Hopefully, this will end up explaining everything.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I just love the ambiguity of it all, and the encroaching insanity.
A GOOD READ!
Man, no one's commenting on the references to Lo? Don't tell me I'm the only one getting them!
ReplyDelete@Douglas
ReplyDeleteYou. You are my favorite.
The original version of that chapter was a lot different. Then my friends and I were watching monster/horror-ish movie marathons, and I absolutely loved "Lo," so I took some inspiration from it for the final chapter there.
For everyone who doesn't know what we're on about, go watch the movie "Lo." It's a fantastic dark comedy.
@vidguysteve
ReplyDeleteGod damn Google Account's been screwing up all my accounts and logins and randomly signing me out of places.
@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteI also just recently saw it. At first, I was kinda thrown of by it's style, then when I realized it was a comedy I loved it!
fucking love this story in case my previous fawning comments weren't an indication
ReplyDeleteGreat chapter, gives Cele a pretty good reason for hating Discord so much
ReplyDeleteThis story gets better and better with every chapter. Looking forward to reading more.
ReplyDeletePoor Celestia though. I thought Discord was nice for giving her a three day reprieve, but I knew there had to be a catch somewhere. =(
"Oh look an all-powerful raging sun God...I wonder what he tastes like?"
ReplyDeleteI freaken Love Discord
Absolutely fantastic, extremely cerebral and immensely twisted. Was a bit hesitant, but ended up reading every last chapter. A rare example of a fic where I feel I can just sit back and let the horror happen without worrying about the characters, because I know whatever does happen will be written and presented wonderfully. Celestia in complex and it's great to see another fic that tries to show her unsettled like this, pushing her to her limits. Discord is picture perfect, with brilliant lines and comedic moments that quickly bleed into horror. I also love his presented origin. Looking forward to the next one!
ReplyDelete@Varanus
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of Discord's origin story... It reminded me a lot of how the Chaos gods were born in W40K.
Minus the galaxy spanning orgies.
@stofenthe1st
ReplyDeleteI actually never played Warhammer. I was just trying to think of a way that Discord could come into existence that kept in line with the dark tone of the story. javascript:void(0)And if he's the spirit of chaos, I figured that he could be a force of nature given consciousness and life by the ponies themselves. Change it up from what I've seen where Discord is just childhood friends with Celestia.
I wish I had thought of an orgy, that would have really spiced up the chapter.
simply amazing...
ReplyDeleteFair warning, this is most likely going on hiatus for a while until NaNoWriMo is over.
ReplyDelete@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteSo I take it the hiatus is over?
It updated!
Buck yeah.
@Zamoonda
ReplyDeleteYeah, I was able to find some free time every now and then to get some work done. When you work at a library at 2 in the morning, there really isn't much else to do BUT write, hehe.
@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteHaha, great you had the time to get an update through! I just love this story, and I simply can't wait how this turns out.
@Zamoonda
ReplyDeleteseconded =)
You're starting to stretch my willing suspension of disbelief beyond its limits. Why is no one just outright says to Celestia that Discord corrupted her mind? Or, why don't Twilight and co. just go get the Elements of Harmony and heal her?
ReplyDeleteThe only reason I can think of for neither of these things happening yet is that everypony has failed to put two and two together and realize that Gray Celestia = Discorded Celestia. Which is absolutely impossible.
What I'm saying is, while it feels suspenseful for the first 2-3 parts, when you go this long without positive progress, it stops feeling suspenseful and just becomes tiring. If you don't make SOME positive progress in the next chapter, I see no reason to stay on board.
@Spikely Whiplash
ReplyDeleteAll very valid points. Though Luna was the only one who's seen Gray/Discord'd Celestia once it was finished near the end of chapter 6, so it's possible she doesn't know about it?
And I guess maybe her being in a coma would have given the others some hesitance to try to directly confront her.
But don't you worry, the next chapter is going to be the big climax, and everything's going to go down. And then Chapter 8 is the conclusion.
But I do want to thank you for speaking your mind about how you found some elements to be too unbelievable. This is really my first time trying my hand at fanfiction, and it always aggravates me when characters in other stories may act like idiots or completely out of character to allow the story to develop, so I understand your position. I tried to make it so that it was believable to a point, but if you (and I'm sure there are many others who feel the same way) find that it just isn't feasible anymore, I'm extra glad that I settled on the next part being where the characters finally make their stand.
So, tl;dr, you're absolutely right, but I just beg you to stick with me for the next chapter and I promise you won't be let down.
Need next chapter!
ReplyDeleteI personally hope that Celestia will be redeemed. I enjoyed the plot and the story in it's entirety. But I'm not dark-hearted enough to see Celestia completely bring herself to ruin and let Discord have his last laugh. But do not let my thoughts and opinion push you away from your original intentions. I'm willing to read this fic to the end. I just hope that there will be a positive outcome, but all I'm guessing are negative ones.
ReplyDeleteMy God I can not wait for Part 7! This is awesome!
ReplyDelete"Chapter seven was a delight, after reading the beginning of DISCORD in chapter5 was a thrill from the depths of my mind. It held the secrets of PRINCESS CELESTIA'S old childhood from her early eons and discords birth. Its chilled my spine knowing how this god like creature born out of war came into place. I now see that Discords presence in the story shall either rip CELESTIA apart from all that maters to her or bring upon DISCORDS revenge on her for the menials of imprisonment. I have found no flaw or weakness in the story as i read on this epic tale of CELESTIA'S sanity being put to the test. I commend TheManWithTwoNames to continue on with his work and bring forth another exhilarating chapter of _HEAVENLY TURMOIL_. I will eagerly await ti see how CELESTIA battles against DISCORDS maniacal and twisted powers, and will give further word in my next critic."
ReplyDelete-FoxMane
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@FoxMane
ReplyDeleteThank you for the positive review.
...however confusing some of it was. I'm jealous of you though, I haven't even read chapter seven yet. Son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off?
@TheManWithTwoNames i ment chapter six. a glitch happened when i submitted my critic. my apologies.
ReplyDeleteHowever i expect you dont disappoint me on chapter 7. .wink.
ReplyDeletelol I can't wait to see how this ends. Happy? Grimdark? Ambiguous? Anything's possible, I tells ya, anything!
ReplyDelete"Goodbye, Celestia. I'm gonna miss you. You had such potential. But then again, all good things must come to an end."
My god that last chapter was....amazing..."I! Am! Equestria!" It gave me chills...WELL DONE SIR. 6 star worth after that last piece, ending be damned. (Although I do hope it doesn't end here lol)
ReplyDeleteHoly crap. This is getting intense. ARGH! I can't wait for chapter 8!
ReplyDeleteDiscord Celestia is awesome Celestia.
ReplyDelete...SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/IUH3JQjcweM
“How are you here? I saw you imprisoned in the cave where we left you - I felt it with my own hooves! How are you here?”
ReplyDelete“The answer you seek is right at your side, but hearing it will make you run and hide. Face the music and let your lesson be learned, and then back to my cave is where you’ll return. One choice will return you to your life so sweet, the other one leads to ruin complete.”
Well, Twilight had the answer to her question, was metaphorically and occasionally literally at her side, and she's certainly running and hiding now.
Or... was the answer that she created Discord, and Discord was at her side, and she kind'a stopped caring (running away) when the coma-dream revealed that? Damnit, now I'm not sure. I hate riddles.
MY POINT IS THAT I LIKE THIS A LOT. Keep it up pl0x. :D
As messed up as it may be, killing the Wonderbolts was one of the highlights of writing this chapter for me. I have no idea why.
ReplyDelete@Cedric Bale
You'll get your answer eventually~! Though the answer for *how* Discord is back was already somewhat hinted at during the six and seventh chapters.
But thanks for reminding me about the riddle. I, eh, kind of forgot to address it after Celestia just stopped giving a damn. Gotta work that back in there...
@Millenius
Don't worry, there's still the resolution in Chapter 8. And you know, I'm inclined to agree with you about the 6-star. Everyone should go down to your local libraries and neighbors'/friends'/strangers' houses and vote 5 stars on every computer! We'll share that rainbow-striped title together! And, scientific fact, it'll make chapters come out faster AND higher quality.
True story.
@mycutiemarkisagun
Damn straight.
"Chapter 7 of _Heavenly Turmoil_ was a chaotic vortex of madness. My heart was pounding from fear and anticipation from every single word i read from page three and down. I could not believe the actual scenes with the chapter being carefully but powerfully being engraved in my mind. I was able to see CELESTIA'S madness consuming her and TWILIGHT SPARKLE'S soul being crushed by the cursing words of her "closest friend" and mentor. I couldn't rip away from this thriller of a chapter. I award Chapter 7 with a 5.6 star for intense thrill. I will give further words on my next Critic after reading Chapter 8."
ReplyDelete-FoxMane
Depressing ending is depressing.
ReplyDeleteDat ending D:
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I kinda was hoping for a slightly better ending than... well that. You build up the story so well and, then it just ends right there.
ReplyDelete..Holy shit.
ReplyDeleteIt's over. Just like that, it's over. Everything was just building up to that one moment, and... wow. I really have no words.
I was critical of the grimdark tag before, but now I can truly say this was deserving. Dear god, I will never be able to look at Discord the same way again.
5-stars, only because I like closure.
(Curse the lack of an edit button!) Simply put, then ending feels like running into a brick wall at top speed.
ReplyDeleteDamn this was a good story from beginning to end I have thoroughly enjoyed this it gives Discord a whole new perspective to his character and how truly evil he can be. The ending was good but it was a bit disappointing for me, I didn't really like how she just died like "bluh I'm dead now" but I must say good job.
ReplyDeleteSo satisfied with the previous 7 chapters, but... wow, just... wow :/
ReplyDeleteBrick wall is right. Celestia is a well loved character, archtype, divine entity, likely by design. The grimdark is quite well used throughout not due to particularly gruesome scenes, but by having such an endearing character's heart and mind systematically corrupted and torturously torn apart, mostly beyond her control, right before our eyes, (that and for me, at least, my personal greatest fear is to be subtly untethered from reality).
The characters' conflicts concerning the usage and dangers of the Elements of Harmony, even after it was all but apparant of Discord's unusually direct influence on her, ultimately fell off the face of the earth, amounting to what feels like a cheap red herring for overly romantic readers who hope against hope that Celestia still has a chance. However, the abrupt ending, and play by play fulfilment of the villain's riddle/prophecy, concluded by the heroine's quite brief realization prior to death...
Heroine Deconstructed - check
Villain Victorious - check
On the other hand, maybe I just hate utterly unhappy endings. I keep wondering if I've just been trolled by Discord...
"You see, THIS is the first rule of our game:"
*puts on sunglasses*
"I win."
*YEEEEAAAAUUUUWWWW!!1! guitar solo*
Now that's what I call a cool story, bro
ReplyDeleteSeriously.
;o; great, but sad, ending. I now HATE Discord.
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong that I laughed at the very end? Great story!
ReplyDeleteHuzzah! A good long story to read tonight at work!
ReplyDeleteHappy end?
ReplyDelete@Flutterguy
ReplyDeleteOhhhh, you gone done it now.
Loved the story as others have said right up until the ending. Felt a little too sudden. I would have been okay with it say... if Luna and the girls had actually been defeated rather than just left. Surely Twilight could have had a heart tearing moment in the last chapter showing how there was no way she could force herself to do it, letting Discord win. That would have eased the ending in my mind and made it seem a little abrupt and out of the blue...
ReplyDeleteVery much enjoyed the story though, will await any other stories you create eagerly.
@Flutterguy
ReplyDelete???
@Flutterguy
ReplyDeleteSeriously. This is why you don't keep the petrified statues of your enemies in your garden.
YOU BANISH THEM TO THE VOID!!!
No one escapes the Void... except the Daleks... But they have Void Ships.
And though I know in-world Discord didn't do this, I'm going to have to torment him for several eons, just because he COULD do this. Imma make sure he thinks thrice about it before trying. >:}
@Discord
ReplyDeleteYou made Celestia die... YOU HAVE MADE ME QUITE NONPLUSSED... *orders your molecules into a perfect crystalline arrangement as revenge*
what is happening I don't even
ReplyDeleteAs a prereader for this story, I can join the author in a genuine expression of my reactions to these last few posts.
ReplyDeleteWTF?
101th comment
ReplyDeleteThat ending! Holy fucking hell I did not expect. Well... now my day(night) has been ruined. Time to go cry.
ReplyDeleteWait so why are you WTFing, TMWTN / LT Halle? :U Is the ending that's up not the actual supposed-to-be ending? Or is it just a WTF in general to the outcry? *CONFUUUSE*
ReplyDeleteDiscord, you should have done one of the sleep-talking trolling audio bits that I sent you!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Celelorien
ReplyDeleteMore to the random-as-fuck role playing guy, Alondro, there. I'm not even sure he read the story, but if he's having fun in the comments, whatever.
Though, in regards of the brick wall ending, that was what I was aiming for. In classic tragedies, the ending typically shortly follows the climax to leave a stronger impression. Look at "Romeo and Juliet" or "Othello." It's pretty much "egads I hath dun goof-ed" and then they die and it's over. [/pretentious English major trying not to sound pretentious]
Lol, good one
ReplyDelete@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteMuch as I claim to be a cynic, I do love a chance for redemption. (As a side note, I did think the death of the Wonderbolts was brilliant.)
Honestly, I thought Discord was going to break Celestia and manipulate her into freeing him from stone (all while still using her as a puppet). Granted, all this is superfluous, since it is your work entirely.
I still need to finish this story, hopefully mine will be up here by the time I get done with this.
ReplyDeleteI want to cry. D: Why?! Why?! Why?!
ReplyDeleteFUCK YEAH, NO HAPPY ENDINGS! LARS VON TRIERS STYLE, BIOTCH! CHAOS REIGNS!!!
ReplyDelete@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteAh yes. They used to call that......Tragedy.
But nooooooooo ppl don't like tragedy in their fiction now, all they want is COMFORT FOOD.
Watch, I bet somebody's writing a alternate ending to Heavenly Turmoil right now where Twilight saves her, confesses her love, and they Ship off into the sunset. Wait, Awkward Forced Shipping? Did I say Twilight? I meant to say RAINBOW DASH...
My mind can't accept the story ending like this! Please, somepony make an alternate ending or something D;
ReplyDelete@Deadwalker
ReplyDeleteThe funniest thing about this is what mycutiemarkisagun said just eight minutes before you.
I could make one where Discord succeeds in starting to destroy Luna, too, so there's no happy ending for Equestria or Luna or anyone. Is that better?
I gotta say Mr. Author Dr Professor Sir...Chapter seven was amazing but yeah I feel like this coulda been drawn out a little more than just BAM *brickwall* she dead....LOVE IT ANYWAY THOUGH :-D
ReplyDeleteBottom Line: good on you for making an ending that is well diffeerent. Wee don't get enough stuff like this. For Celestia theere is no hope and heer tragic end is quiet shocking. I do like the thin ray of hope for the world at large you threw in there though ;). If people get pissy they should focus on that and STFU. Sad endings are good sometimes.
ReplyDelete@TheManWithTwoNames all shall crumble and fall in the end
ReplyDeleteTsk tsk, what a curious read and debate down here. Good story, I liked it. I suspected this would have an unhappy ending but didn't think it would come quite so sudden, this is however not a complaint. It was a slow withering break, which is more than I can say for a lot of stories which is 'Bad hair day, guess I'll be evil/commit suicide/ship with someone'.
ReplyDeleteNow those that don't want it for its tragic aspects, and that's entirely what I would label this story (tragedy), is not something I'm surprised to see. Especially since a fair number of folk are drawn to the show for it's cheerful value. Course, that's what labels are for. If it says grimdark, ponies gonna die! Heed them. Course, some grimdarks read more like a WWII textbook than the spear through the eye this one lands on ya at the last second.
@TheManWithTwoNames Now now, there is such a thing as to much sugar in a cupcake~ Course, I realize your point, by all means the hatchet could have fallen many, many, more times. Tee hee.
@Nyxilis or the hacksaw......or axe, or gullotine.....
ReplyDeleteWow, that was amazing, and i would be willing to perform sexual services for u, for some sort of an epilogue.
ReplyDeleteIf it ended in any other way, I would have been disappointed. However, I feel that the ending kinda hits you like a brick wall, I never expected it to end this quickly.
ReplyDelete@Stanley Ignatius Richards
ReplyDeleteYeah, the ending was really good, but it did come kind of quick. I expected it to last for at least a few more chapters.
Oh, well. Sounds like there's a sequel on the way (I certainly hope so!) so there'll be more to look forward to in the future!
Sorry, but - honestly?
ReplyDeleteThe ending felt quite abrupt and punch-out in nature.
Allow me to explain. There was a lot of potential in this story to carry it much, much farther than it was done, and to dive a lot more into depth of a crapsack world. You were basically corrupting a living Goddess in this world, or to put it another way - a living weapon. To kill off a major character, and such a powerful character, in a single chapter, seems not only unrealistic, but unfufilling.
@Chance, EMT-P
ReplyDeleteHe killed her off in eight chapters, not one. What, is he supposed to write down her last emotions, thoughts and chitchat for ten chapters? The entire fic was meant to lead down to this horrifying end. But I do agree that the end feels rather abrupt, as though the only thing we're missing is a a "TO BE CONTINUED" message.
The ending was clearly meant to leave room for an epilogue. The same thing was done with the fic Of Mares and Magic, and probably others. However the first ending didn't feel this abrupt in Of Mare's and Magic so I really hope I'm not wrong about the epilogue for this story.
ReplyDeleteExcellent story, very, very good stuff.
ReplyDeleteThe ending though, hmm, I was expecting Twilight and company to be waiting in the cave.
Why?
Because they knew it had to do with Discord, they knew Celestia had been preoccupied with the statue before, Twilight had many theories about what Discord could have done to her and there were no scenes confirming they were anywhere else around at that time.
Now, that doesn't mean they had to save her - they could have simply arrived too late, or they might have turned her to stone or banished her or even finish her off themselves. I just think there's a thread of potential for more in the end there.
Of course, I personally would prefer to see her redeemed, and possibly imply she's going to struggle a long time on the road to recovery, but I think that speaks more about the tragedy of the ending than anything else.
Good work.
@Zamoonda
ReplyDeleteI'll hold my breath for the "To be Continued" fic, but without a continuance, I stand firm to the "Punchout Ending" statement earlier.
Thinking overnight on this (confounded excellent writing... you drive me to think), it likely IS that grimdark is grim, no more or less complicated than that. However, because this is solely an evisceration of the mind and not particularly the body, there is a HUGE amount of reader interpretation to be had as to the ultimate nature of the story, along with great difficulty determining a true point of hopelessness.
ReplyDeleteThese are both great things, with great freedom to be had by both writer and reader. *urrk... grammar vomit*
Of course, grimdark does NOT have to end happily, comfortably, full of shipness and light (Rainbow Dash goes where?!), or with even a modicum of moral closure or justice for the antagonist. Likewise, grimdark does not have to be, "Evil prevails when good men fail to act. What they ought to say is, "Evil prevails."
This story is what the author wishes it to be; he is obviously entitled to this and the fact that we're still constructively discussing it, more or less, post 120 comments in means he has snagged the brass ring at the very least in terms of his skill at writing presentation and storytelling.
Because it's psychological horror, it's very easy for the more hopelessly romantic among us (guilty as charged) to interpret this as a vicious and costly adventure with a hard fought climax, ending with a bittersweet/pyrrhic victory or at least a barely morally satisfying closure to come. We could easily miss the distinct possibility that this is, for want of better terms, a VASTLY superior psychohorror rendering of Cupcakes, where the evisceration, just as unchangably lethal, actually begins in the first chapter and the 'abrupt' ending is simply the final removal of that last beating heart from the dying shell of the victim on the dissection board.
Trying to 'fix' the ending without changing its content is like moving from 90th to 95th percentiles: WAY above my skill levels.
Excellently written, perfect characterizations (we wouldn't be fighting/rooting for Celestia if we couldn't identify with her very mortal weaknesses), a difficult ending that, if indeed flawed, is worth dwelling on for a long time.
I am sorry to disappoint, but the ending is what it is. It was the plan from the very beginning to have it all lead up to this conclusion. The story was focused on Celestia and Discord in their confusing mental sparring match, so I didn't like focusing on the others when it wasn't most effective.
ReplyDeleteBut if you want an epilogue, there's *kind of* one with Luna. She becomes the strong leader Equestria needs and succeeds her sister, raises the sun, and avoids the pratfalls that led Celestia to ruin. There's even all this symbolic junk I snuck in there because we literature people get off on that.
I was thinking about a sequel, but I couldn't really think of a way to make it more than "Heavenly Turmoil 2: More Heavenlier Turmoily" (and yes that would be the title) and have it all be the same thing with Luna, which would be awful and make no sense considering the lessons everyone else learned.
The other story is actually gonna be more of a spin-off. Those limp-noodle stories of Discord's, like the century-long goat search and trying to create , are going to be fleshed out. As much of a whiplash as it's going to be from this, it's actually going to be a comedy.
@LighthouseX3
ReplyDeleteWell, gee wiz, now you've gone and made me feel really good about myself. Thanks, man.
A damn good read.
ReplyDeleteThat ending. Damn. Just... damn.
ReplyDeleteThis fanfic is seriously the best fanfiction I've ever read. EVER!
ReplyDeleteI mean WOW!
And I can't wait for other fanfics of this author, since it's going to be more Discord stuff. Yaay!
Thank goodness for the comments and the fact that I was nosy and curious and spoiled it for myself before I started reading. >.< I think this story would have killed me had I not known what to expect. Tragedy tag indeed.
ReplyDeleteNow I need some happy, hope-filled fanfiction to read. Suggestions, anypony?
@ibneko
ReplyDeleteThis one. Read this one.
@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteWas 'this one' supposed to be a link? ¬.¬ Or do you mean Heavenly Turmoil? I've read the latter, which is why I'm hoping for something lighter to read, so I stop being a gloomybutt over the sad ending.
(Also, props for an awesome story. Despite it being depressing, the ending is beautiful, in the work-of-art sort of way. Even though I really, really, really want to change it. :P I wish I could reach in, give your Celestia a hug and tell her, "It's ok. You know what you did wrong now. That's the first step to forgiveness and correcting your mistakes. But if you give up now, then you're really betraying everyone that loved you.")
Oooh, I misinterpreted that as you read the comments and refused to read the story.
ReplyDeleteThough it wasn't a matter of giving up, it was more that she hadn't eaten anything in four days and then was attacked by a pack of wolves and then climbed a mountain with a broken wing and then her organs started failing from her disintegrating physical health, which would kill most creatures.
I'm not the type for the more romanticized stuff in stories. :/
But thanks for the compliment!
I liked this one, even the ending. It caught me by surprise as I was reading it expecting Luna and the Six to show up at any moment and save her, and then BAM she's dead. I had to stop and double check what I'd read and that there really was no more for it to sink it.
ReplyDeleteQuestion now. Discord was tethered to Celestia. What happens to him now that she's dead?
He's fine. The tether was meant to over-emphasize the "magical umbilical chord" that served as Discord's channel to get to Celestia.
ReplyDeleteI know this is tagged [Grimdark], but...
ReplyDeleteThat ending...
D:
When you say more Discord stuff is coming, do you mean a direct sequel to this? I'm hoping this gets a sequel that somehow makes this all better. I know I'm being unrealistic and setting myself up for disappointment, but damnit, I need some feel-good thoughts right now.
Awesome story. Honestly, I'm kind'a glad it ended with the bad guy winning, even though Celestia's death really caught me off guard. If you kill off Luna in the next one, though, I'll likely have very different thoughts on it. You've already done that, please don't be a one-trick pony. That said, I'm looking forward to more of your Discord.
@Cedric Bale
ReplyDeleteOh, not a sequel, no. I really couldn't think of any way to move past this point without it being the same thing. Like I said before, it would only wind up being "Heavenly Turmoil 2: More Heavenlier Turmoily", and that'd just be bad.
The other story is going to be a spin-off/prequel bit of Discord's first century ruling Equestria as a relative moron, incorporating all those limp-noodle stories he mentioned through the story, like trying to create a companion for himself and searching for a goat.
We're getting a comedy after that ending, how 'bout that?
@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteI could use a comedy after this. I imagine it'd probably still have some rather dark bits, even if hidden, but that's okay. Dark comedy is good too.
@Cedric Bale
ReplyDeleteAnd it just occurred to me that your Discord is basically Sheogorath. You ever played the Shivering Isles expansion for Oblivion? Sheogorath is a crazy, schizophrenic god who loves chaos because it's funny. He even likes the taste of body parts!
Mmm, brain pie. Om nom Celestia's Dad.
Holy Celestia.
ReplyDeleteNo, she's not really holy, is she?
When she killed the Wonderbolts.....
When she set fire to the house...
When she attacked Twilight....
I need a band-aid for my soul.
Amazing fanfic.
@Cedric Bale
ReplyDeleteI did not. I did meet him in Skyrim just the other day. Seems like they saved all the personality for him. Fun guy. Wabbajack is a load of laughs.
Though I thought he loved Madness because he was the Daedric prince of it? (Formerly of Order, if wikis are accurate.)
Awww... Did she really die? I mean, if you ask me, it seems a bit open to interpretation. People describe unconsiousness as everything "going black" as well. Sigh... I was really hoping for a happy ending...
ReplyDelete@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteOh I read the story! I just don't like Discord in this one because he's the sort of bastard who uses the level of intellect I possess for wicked purposes. Therefore, for contaminating my elevated level with his perversion, he must be punished!
I must say, I don't put much stock in riddles though. It's actually not hard to create one that no one but you can understand.
Let me throw one together: Rapidly round I turn about, and can stand upside down and inside out. I'll always keep you moving straight, and never turn you back too late.
What am I?
Anyway, Discord's punishment would come when Twilight eventually reaches the cave. Obviously she would in short order. When driven to madness, sapient beings frequently flee to places they associate with the source of the madness, either to attempt to destroy it and/or try to make sense of it. Twilight is quite intelligent, she would figure this out quickly. And then she'll find her beloved teacher's broken body.
We've seen what happens when Twilight gets simply frustrated (fire, lots of fire). I imagine her experiencing heartbroken rage would be akin to Gohan reaching Super Sayajin 2 for the first time after Cell smashed Android #16's head.
And then, of course, Luna would also arrive.
After that, I might even feel pity for Discord!
Eh... no I wouldn't. But I WOULD record the beat-down to watch over and over gleefully!
So that's it? she feels bad then dies? and from her injuries?
ReplyDeleteSorry but this ending made me feel nothing. It was boring, nothing intereting happens.
I can't see Celestia dying so easily, I mean, she is a Goddess, I doubt she even needs to eat to survive. Discord waching her die after just a few moments of misery, not like him. What's the fun in that? A real evil genious would find a way to prolong her suffering.
At least you could have showed the point of view of her beloved ones after the deal. More misery, real sad ending (Alondro's idea is great).
A final 3/5, not bad but a bit bland.
I'm one of those people that asks, "Why do the bad guys never win?" Well I got my bad guy winning, and it hurts. I was waiting for Celestia to see the light and redeem herself, but I think I knew what was really happening.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it was all due to the "magical umbilical cord", but Discord was crazy powerful in this story. He tore Celestia to shreds; First her mind, then her family and friends, and finally her connection to her kingdom and sun. He did all this, and what terrifies me the most is that he told her he would. Discord told Celestia from the beginning what he was going to do to her, and she actually helped him along the way.
Celestia didn't go down easy, but every attempt she made to fight only put her one step closer to death. Just...dah!
5/5 for sure.
This was amazing! i just finished reading it, the only thing is it didnt seem THAT grimdark to me and a very creative way for Discords "birth"
ReplyDelete5/5
best fanfic ive read so far, now onto brotherhood of the moon.
@Cedric Bale
ReplyDeleteNah. Discord/Rainbow Dash shipfic. Now that'd be awesome. :D
LOL This was TOOOOOTALY awesome. I usually think what would happen if the bad guy won, Now I Know!
ReplyDeleteBut it was so sad, for me I never read anything like this so I was completely in the dark in this story. At first I really thought Luna had done it but then After a few more chapters I noticed that this was either going to end epic or end tragically, and it ended tragically.
For This! 5/5
Plus if you ever made a sequel, this would be a cool name "Chaotic Triumph" or something like that...
I dunno, was I the only one to notice the "Tragedy" tag? I was under the impression that the defining aspect of one of those is a non-happy ending. Maybe it's changed since the Ancient Greeks were into it? I was expecting the whole thing to end with a mad Celestia in an empty castle with only the corpses of her sister and friends for company, so I was pleasantly surprised that the secondary cast were left to ably pick up the pieces of Celestia's fall.
ReplyDeleteIn any event, this fic was a very impressive piece. I was all set to criticize Celestia's descent into madness if it didn't ring true or felt contrived, but no such luck. It felt real, especially after the extended memory sequence revealed the significance and symbolism of everything Discord had being subject Celestia to. He broke her, and he broke her good. The failure of the memory spell was the most heartbreaking part, because it was the last gasp and its effects would just torture Celestia more before she ran out of steam.
One criticism I have, though, is of a technical nature. The narrative was a tight third-person POV, mostly centered on Celestia, but every so often it would jump to another character without warning for a quick aside. I've seen this even in professional works, but it always feels jarring and makes me stumble in my reading, as I inevitably have to back up and switch the "voice" I'm reading in.
All in all, though, this fic really delivered on its promise and its picture. Quite disturbing, in a quasi-good way. Discord was very well written, and I'd love to read that promised spin-off/prequel of his early adventures.
@loopy777Thanks for the feedback!
ReplyDeleteBut that's an interesting note about the sudden changing the POV of characters. That's definitely gong to be something I'll have to keep an eye on next time.
Ahh that sisterly love in the front chapters is heartwarming. I also like how you portrayed discord. PERFECT discord characterization. And Luna attempting to make a decent breakfast. That sounds very much like what a younger sister would do!
ReplyDeletei agree with @Twilight_Crow that some parts were bland.
I kinda found it strange that TWO princessess couldn't do shit when that fire broke out but yet Princess Celestia goes like "Oh im so powerful" and she clears that entire collapsed cavern of rocks. I mean, can she just use the same spell to clear the way to save the filly?
Fantastic and sad. As much as could have wished for a happy ending (and believe me, I wished with all my heart), this story ended perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI think this really shows discord as what he actually is in the Ponies' world, ie, a physical manifestation of all evil. Even the mightiest can fall to him.
This actually gave me a deeper understanding of how satan exists in our world (if you believe in him, of course). I don't mean to bring up religion, I just thought this seemed like fantastic analogy.
Loved it.
... you killed celestia AND the wonder bolts DX...
ReplyDeletenone the less, a great read. one of the three fan fics out of what i have read so far, that i would openly recomend.
@Ashfire Spoiler much?
ReplyDelete@whatisthisIf you read through 157 comments before reading the story, you're kind of asking for it...
ReplyDeleteBesides, people have been spoiling the story all through the comments, he's far from the first one.
@whatisthis
ReplyDeletemy bad, forgot the spoiler tags...
"My body and soul was hollowed form all emotion, barren like realm of darkness, as PRINCESS CELESTIA spent her final hours in the very hell she let herself be led into. Although I found parts of the final chapter a might anti-climactic, it was made for with visual and its grimdark theme. I was not disappointed that a GRIMDARK story would end sad, it ended with the eldest princess to fall under DISCORD'S influence and die. I commend TheManWithTwoNames for providing his best efforts to create a class B GRIMDARK tale. I hope he reflects on this story to develop even better GRIMDARK tales. This is my final critic for _HEAVENLY TURMOIL_, and so far my most enjoyable stories I have had the privilege to read."
ReplyDelete-FoxMane
OK here goes.
ReplyDeleteHello again, this is me @Equinenox from way back on day 1. After reading chapter 1, I didn't really read the story. I kept it in my "to read" list, and subscribed to the thread just so I can keep a close eye on it. If you don't know already, I like to write long reviews, so I hope you like to read them. There are spoilers in this post, btw. Before I get started, I want to repeat something in my previous post. I LOVE how you made Discord into a much bigger threat than how he appeared in the show. A creature with that kind of power needs to be around as a major villain instead of a nuisance.
Anyway, I started to reread this story as soon as I saw the "complete" tag. I only wish I hadn't taken so long to finish Chapter 5. MAN that was a long chapter. I made the mistake of reading that chapter whenever I had a short moment to read instead of reading it all at once. Splitting all that up left me with confusion in later chapters: like how Discord was supposed to be an olive tree. I had to go back to find that. I didn't even realize the "It" was Discord until he started describing himself, and the green light totally went over my head until I reread it after chapter 6. Pretty much, I read the end of chapter 5, 6, 7, and 8 all last night because it was getting too exciting, and I couldn't put it down. Like in my first long review, the story left me with a few unanswered questions, but this time, I'm sure they are all things I missed in the excitement. I made sure to read through the comments to avoid asking questions already answered.
First of all. She sets fire to the house. I went back to chapter 2 (or 3) after 7 or so to try and find exactly where she sets fire to the house, but I just couldn't find it. When reading for the first time, I just assumed the house caught fire. On that note, when reading, I was thinking that it's perfectly within her power to save that filly with her magic. Now I understand Discord was controlling her in some way, but I couldn't tell which. Was it the voice in her head to leave? Was that Discord?
OK, now a piece of criticism. I believe it builds on what @loopy777 was saying about transitions. Every now and then, Celestia would go very deep in thought, and the only indication to me would've been when another character brings her out of it. For example when she's talking to the pastry pony in her past (names elude me), I thought the glass suddenly shattered, and all hell broke loose. She then is suddenly brought back to reality. This particular scene seems more like you intended this, though. A better example would be Celestia talking to Discord, then Twilight, then Discord, the Twilight with no real transitions between them. I can only say they got confusing at times, and I had to go back to reread them to be sure of what's happening.
Another question; hmm. Oh yeah! Throughout the story, all of these horrible things happen to those Celestia loves. From her point of view, Discord is casting these horrible spells, and kicking Luna. This leads me to a few questions. Was Discord entirely a manifestation of Celestia (in this story)? What I mean is, Celestia is the only one who can see Discord. Since Discord was connected to her through the magical umbilical cord, he existed because she still existed. Not only that, were all of those spells cast by Discord ACTUALLY cast by Celestia even when from her point of view, they were done by Discord? Yeah, I know Discord was channeling Celestia's magic. This is my best guess, especially after the Wonderbolts incident how Celestia was put into a trance. My guess: From our point of view, Discord was casting the spells, but in reality, he was using Celestia, and MAKING her cast the spells, putting the blame on her. On a positive note there, I was wondering about the spell used on the Wonderbolts for a moment until I suddenly remembered Discord taking away RD's and Fluttershy's wings. That's a brilliant way to turn a simple handicap spell into a frightening image. That scene with RD carrying the body has got to be one of the most powerful and heartbreaking scenes in the story.
ReplyDeleteThat also leaves me with my last question: part of the ending confused me a little. During her sudden realization, is that Celestia being redeemed? The story made in important part about asking for help; was her realization how she should have asked for help sooner, and should have accepted the help? Was begging for help part of the riddle? I wasn't entirely sure of the riddle until I read the comments, but was asking for help what made Discord disappear? I was also wondering if Celestia's death meant Discord's death (due to their magical connection). While reading the last chapters, I was comparing their magical connection to Ganon's and Zant's connection in Twilight Princess. Ganon is "dead," but remains alive as a spirit in Zant. As long as Zant is alive, Ganon's alive (shown by Zant breaking his own neck, finally killing Ganon in the end). Discord's existence only remained in Celestia, and because she was dying, Discord was also disappearing forever. If this is right or wrong, please let me know.
Then again, you can choose not to answer all of these questions, and simply say "I leave it up to the reader to decide," and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would only be a little disappointed that I'll be left with questions. I've read through the comments, though, and you seem to be very revealing with your intentions of symbolism for those who question it.
NOW onto something positive.
ReplyDeleteIn chapter 7, I was thinking "Oh good! Twilight is doing a memory spell. What? No!" As @loopy777 said before me, the failure of the memory spell is heartbreaking. I knew this was the last effort to redeem Celestia. If Twilight's memory spell didn't work, and Celestia escaped, there's no way to save her. The emotional battles with the Mane 6 were extremely well done. I wouldn't have expected them to act any different, especially Rainbow Dash. Nearing the end to chapter 8, I was still hoping for a chance at a happy ending until I saw my scroll bar had nearly reached the bottom of the page, and I knew there would be no way. Like I said at the ending of Past Sins, Nyx EARNED her happy ending. Everything leading up to it was concluded properly, and any other ending would've been anti-climactic and pointless. Except this story is no happy ending. Celestia EARNED her sad ending. The entire story was going downhill. Chapter 5 gave us happy a uphill until it dropped us on our heads at the end of the chapter. Celestia only got worse after that. Once the memory spell failed, and Celestia was running for her life, there was no way there could be a happy ending. I would've been angry with you if Twilight and friends had waited at the cave to save her because it just wouldn't work. I guess what's important here is how even Twilight gave up on Celestia at the end of Chapter 7. Luna was able to raise the sun (I also rightfully guessed the sun would save her from the wolves). All of Equestria hated her. Everything else was depressingly resolved, and everyone went back to their lives while Celestia died alone in a cave. It's fantastically tragic, and it's the only way the story could have ended properly.
I'm still not done. This might end up being 3 pages. Now there is the ending. I wanted to squeeze this into my post somewhere. As Celestia climbs the mountain, cursing her loved ones, I had to compare this scene to 2 other fictions. One is the climactic chapters of Return of the King Book 6 (with Frodo and Sam). By the time they reach Mordor, they're already at the end of their rope. They cross the horrible wasteland with little food or water, and they can barely walk. You did a good job showing us how Celestia pushes herself on sheer willpower alone, despite her injuries, lack of magic, or nutrition. This reminds me more about how Frodo and Sam are scaling Mt. Doom on willpower. They've had no food or water for days, they can barely walk, they are weighted down by the ring, and the heat is unbearable. If your inspiration came from that final scene in LotR, then I feel awesome for catching it.
Now my second comparison (I'm almost done, I promise). In the last chapters, Celestia curses everypony around her, and she runs away to save herself. She is left a bleeding mess at the foot of her enemy, only now just realizing her insanity, and pleading for help and mercy. I was reminded of the conclusion of (brace for impact) Death Note. Now calm down, I'm not mentioning a mainstream anime for nothing. Recall the final scene: Light is left crippled, running for his life. His plan backfired, and now he is the hunted, begging for mercy, and becomes the final victim of his very weapon of power. He is a crying mess in the end, wishing for anyone to help him. Unfortunately, the story leading up to ending only means one thing: no one is going to save him. Everyone hates him. Same thing for Celestia. Everyone who has given her a chance to be saved (the Mane 6 and Luna) was pushed away by her. No one is going to save her. No one wants to save her now. (I'm starting to repeat myself, so I guess this means this is the end.)
Well, this is the first time my initial review has reached post 4 (I draft my long reviews in Open Office). I'll have to disagree with the folks who say the ending was too short or a "brick wall." I think it was just right. Nothing was missing. Luna raising the sun meant the land of Equestria can survive without Celestia (albeit very depressingly at first). Celestia's final rejection of Twilight's love means the Mane 6 will eventually come to getting along without her. Everything is summed up properly, even if it was done in a sad tone. As mentioned before, putting the finale so close to the climax not only leaves a bigger impact, but any extra content probably would've been filler. We know life goes on in Equestria with tear-filled eyes, so why bother saying it? This is truly an amazing story of a descent into insanity. I'm glad to have read it. I do want to see more stories from you in the future. I only hope the Grimdark tag doesn't chase too many people away from the 5-star button because that's what I'm giving the story. Thanks for writing it. Now go, and answer all those questions I had (heh).
ReplyDelete@Equinenox
ReplyDeleteNow THAT is a committed review! Firstly, thanks for taking the time to write all that out! I really do appreciate the thought you were put into compiling all of that, so I’ll do my best to return the favor here.
So, the house fire. I had a hint in there that I wanted to be subtle, but thinking about it now, I might have gone past subtlety and into just an insignificant detail. “Celestia stared at the inferno in a trance, feeling a warmth fading from her forehead.” The warmth was meant to be the feeling of a cast spell. And as for Celestia being able to save the filly with magic… Magic’s a tricky thing to write with, especially with a character that is perceived to be capable of nearly anything; the drama in the chapter would have been non-existent if she could just wish the fire away. So for that, I really don’t have a much better explanation than “Discord did it.” A lame reason, I know, but it still makes sense in the story so… forgivable?
For the whole ‘Discord-Celestia umbilical chord’, I just wanted to have a visual way to illustrate how Discord was able to find a channel to reach out to Celestia. He can exist completely independent of her, but while he was trapped in stone he had to draw on Celestia’s power to use any sort of magic. He’s still alive even though Celestia is dead, and the fact that he isn’t faced with any sort of punishment or justice for his scheming just makes the villain’s victory that much sadder. You hit the nail on the head with your guess about Celestia actually being the one to cast the spells.
And yes, Celestia is being redeemed as she realizes her mistake of not looking for help from others, which was really her tragic flaw in the story (she charges in to the burning house alone and fails, while Luna rallies the town to work together and succeeds to put out the fire; she runs after one of the Discords and goes further away from the others rather than going back and gets knocked out). If she had learned from her mistakes of trying to solve her problems alone, it could be said that the anger and hate that was building against Luna and the Mane 6 likely would have dissipated. Celestia’s begging for help was just Discord’s last words from the first chapter coming true. By asking for help, granted from the wrong person, she broke the “Discord’d” curse over her and allowed her to become herself again (after it was too late). In S2E2, Twilight ‘got her colors back’ by being reminded of the importance of friendship after reading her letters, so I figured that could extend to this with Celestia asking for someone else’s help.
And I think I said it earlier in the post, but Discord’s still alive. He’s imprisoned in stone, but still alive.
And I never actually read LotR (though I mean to get around to that eventually) or watched Death Note. But if you’re able to make a connection to other stories and media, then more power to you.
Thank you again for your reviews! (Now I’m even happier that I picked that art for the story, seeing as that’s what caught your eye in the first place. Heheh.)
This was the 1st fanfic I've read, and I really enjoyed it. I was tempted to skip over it because of the Grimdark tag, but I'm glad I didn't. I loved Discord in the show, and I loved how you wrote him here. I know this is a little late, but I hope to see more from you in the future.
ReplyDeleteThis fic was simply incredible. I followed it since the beginning and now that its complete all i want to do is read it over again :D Well done, also on the final chapter i noticed some nods to batman.
ReplyDeleteDamn man. I'm glad I lifted my "No Discord Stories" rule to read this.
ReplyDelete@Mikail
ReplyDeleteThanks! Though I don't know where the Batman references were...
@TenchiFreak5
Glad you liked it! I-- Wait, what? Why you hating on Discord?
@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteWhere Luna was going on about how she can withstand the hate of the people for the good of the Kingdom is like when Batman had to be blamed for all the killings in Gotham in the Dark Knight. Also when Discord is going on about how "Beneath the puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius" was a line from Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker.
The Luna thing was actually a coincidence. But I was trying to remember where I heard that other line before. It came to mind out of nowhere and I couldn't place where I knew it from.
ReplyDeleteNow I've got a movie to watch again.
@TheManWithTwoNames
ReplyDeleteSorry for not getting a reply sooner. I did see your post the moment you posted it, and I'm subscribed to the thread. It just has been finals week, and I was up to my neck in college work. Now to continue the discussion.
I did go back again to check for Celestia lighting the fire, and I did finally find it. I think my only indication was Celestia going into a trance. By the time I connected that with Discord playing through her, I had forgotten how she lit the fire. Speaking of the fire, there really was a filly in there. I thought once the father was yelling at her and him not being real, I thought the filly wasn't real as well until the ponies discussed it. Regarding Celestia's magic in this situation, I think "Discord did it" is a perfect explanation. This may have not been your plan, but I was thinking Discord was the one telling Celestia to save herself. It did say it was a tiny voice in the back of her head. She is perfectly able to use her magic, and under normal circumstances, she would've put some force field around herself and the filly. Discord could've just made her "want" to save herself. Sound good?
Celestia's Redemption:
So yeah; first time through, I did notice how after her realization, she felt a warmth return to her with renewed weakness. I knew that was her color returning. I was noticing her fatal flaw through the story. Tho only place I didn't think of was when she ran into the fire without help. Otherwise, I was always wondering why she doesn't just tell Luna what was happening. It's only a couple sentences. Come on. But you played it well because you didn't make it so the reader has that reaction all of the time or too harshly. Oh yeah, Discord's laughter echoing in the cave is also a powerful image. It tells us Discord truly has won. And thanks for clarifying on Discord's situation. I was wondering if drawing power from Celestia is the only thing keeping him in this world. It's a little more scary when he's independent because it means he can still go corrupt somepony else. That thing about the Elements of Harmony powered by hatred is also an interesting thought. Might that be true, or was Discord just dicking with Celestia? (Or leave the answer up to the reader.)
One of those things I wondered was how well this story can be interpreted if Discord was ENTIRELY in Celestia's mind. That is, Discord is really made up, and not independent, and Celestia was actually going insane. I dunno, it just leaves something for the mind to mull over.
Regarding Lord of the Rings, if you're interested in reading it, look for an audiobook. A lot of the story (typical of JRR Tolkien) is side story randomly thrown in to add back story to every detail. It's interesting when looking for lore, but it gets dull if you just want the story, and still have more than what you get with the movie. Death Note is another interesting anime to watch, as I mentioned. The main character's descent into insanity (while still gracefully keeping his head) is similar to this story a bit. The ending has us no longer hating the villain, but pitying him because he's running, and begging for his life. Spoilers: He is not met with mercy.
Oh yeah! One more thing. I had so much deja vu when reading chapter 5. Some time ago, I daydreamed about writing a fic or animating something MLP after the Pastoral Symphony scene in Fantasia (I'm a terrible artist, so it remains a daydream).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKFiR8GvUY4
I had quite a story type going, and actually started a storyboard for my own fun. Anyway, when I read that chapter, I was thinking "Wow, what a coincidence!" I never named him, but I did make him the awesome sun god (though my nickname is Equinox, and I laughed at that among the other similarities).
I thought that would be worth mentioning.
@Equinenox
ReplyDeleteI hear ya, finals can slob on my knob like it's corn on the cob.
For Discord's explanation for the EoH, I'd say that's something I'd rather have each reader decide for themselves. It never has an answer, so it's up to you to try to figure out where the lies start and where the truth ends. Or, maybe that might spark some ideas for other authors mixing in negative emotions with the EoH.
And full disclosure, I was debating for a long time whether or not I wanted Discord to be imaginary or not by the end of it. In fact, I think my original plan was to go with the "Celestia just went insane plan," but my awesome prereaders pointed out that it simply wouldn't make sense or be believable for Celestia to be fine for thousands of years and then just lose her marbles out of the blue.
And you know, I'm almost mad at you for having your name. I wanted to name Equinox "Equineox" and then pat myself on the shoulder for being so witty, and then I reread the comments and see your handle there.
Regarding finals, let's just say I had 6 exams, 5 essays, and a journal project to do by different parts of the week. I had no free time to even post a reply.
ReplyDeleteGood plan on the Elements. They are an important symbol to canon, and putting such a label on them could be suicide. Having Celestia unsure of her conclusion when Discord explains his reasoning is important. The reader will first side with Celestia because the Elements are only meant to do good, of course. Once Discord gives reason, even Celestia questions the Elements, allowing the reader to guess as well. If Celestia never draws a conclusion, the readers are left guessing.
The "Celestia is genuinely insane" idea was just food for thought. A "what if" idea for me. Your prereaders were right in pointing out the lack of believability.
My name? Well, that's too bad. If you find my old posts back in early September on Junior Speedsters Forever, you'll find my first name idea was "Equine-nox." I have been on EqD since March, but I've been a lurker this whole time. Only after I decided to read some fanfic, was I truly drawn into the fandom. Anyway, I was trying to make a pony pun name from Equine or Mare or something. I got Equine-nox, but got rid of the hyphen because it just didn't flow. Blah blah blah....
Anyway, Equinox is better. That character is too serious and powerful to have a pun in his name.
This here lyrics :
ReplyDeletehttp://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/boltthrower/warmaster.html#3
Kind of make me think of this story :D
It's sad I couldn't read it completely, though. As I admit your writing is really great, I couldn't stand the way you portrayed Celestia; unless she was "discorded" since the very beginning..
Anyway, I think I've read that was your first fanfic, so I wanted to congratulate you nevertheless. For it didn't leave me indifferent and that's.. good.
Sorry for polluting the comments :p Have a nice day !
Dopey, this was a very, VERY, pleasant read, something I did not expect from you! Your writing can easily be said to be in ‘par’ with Shigesato Itoi, the writer of the Mother series!
ReplyDeleteNow, bear with me, because I’m mostly going to elaborate my thoughts on your writing with comparisons, I may have missed a few things, (A lot possibly..) due to the fact that I’ve only read it once, I will be reading this again soon, so I can expand on whatever message you’re sending to the reader.
Let’s start with this, the majority of this piece reminded me most of one scene in “Mother 3”, where the party goes to a distant island, Tanetane, to retrieve a Needle. What happens is the party gets weak upon their arrival, and is forced to eat foreign food from the island, causing them to be delusional. During this time, Lucas, the protagonist, is confronted by his family, and/or flashes of his more happier memories, and instead of reliving them, he sees his loved ones yelling at him, cursing him for causing the entire Pig mask situation, making him the blame for everything that happened in Nowhere islands.
Now, how I compare this to the story, it relates to Celestia’s discordation. Similarly in the way that, because of Discord’s influence, it can be assumed that his influence is the mushrooms that caused the confusion and the results are the same, Celestia seeing things and causing unintentional things, assuming something else is happening. Another thing is that she also sees her formally loved ones as her enemies, seeing them betray her, and leaving Celestia heartbroken. Unlike Mother 3, though, Celestia really does view her loved ones, but in different perspectives, which is why Celestia views what really is regular Luna as “Nightmare Moon”.
Another thing I can compare a large portion of the writing to, is an episode on “Teen Titans”, called “Haunted”, which I think was mentioned once before here. What happens is that during the episode, Robin is confronted with Slade, except he’s more powerful, and has the abilities to surpass Robin in every way. The thing is, Slade was assumed “dead” during this period, (until he was revived later on in the series...) and during confrontations with Slade while Robin was with anyone from his team, nobody was able to see him, know him, or sense his presence. Eventually the team finds out that Slade managed to implant something within Robin’s body to make him see, and believe Slade was real, and still alive, Only Robin though.
And I feel this comparison is pretty much in par with this writing, the same way Slade abuses Robin, leaving Robin helpless no matter what he does, and same goes for Discord abuses Celestia. Nobody was aware of Discord’s return, except Celestia herself, Pinkie was able to sense his presence, but was unable to know it was Discord, or predict fully what the “Doozy” was. Celestia was the only one aware of his presence and because of this, Discord used this to his advantage to be successful in discording Celestia.
Now, it’s time for the writing itself, the characters were portrayed perfectly, you managed to flawlessly expand on Discord’s intentions, and show that he is fully capable deviating something truly evil. Celestia’s discordation was also portrayed very well, from what I assume; her split personality could either be described along the lines of either “Love/Hate”, or “Trust/Disbelief”
ReplyDeleteNow, the issues of this writing, Personally, where I feel you fell short in this piece, is successful transitions between events, during my read, more than once I have pretty much been hindered by having to reread several segments of the story, only to find that they’re very blunt transitions between events, each event felt has been tacked on, and rather, until you read more into the story, they make no sense at all during your arrival to the segment.
Regardless, aside from that, easily passable flaw, you do have some typos and grammar errors here and there, but nothing huge, most noticeable is within the first paragraph in the first chapter, “She looked around her bedchamber, trying to find spot anything in the darkness that would have torn her from her sleep.”.
Aside from these, this piece was very solid, characterization was very well expanded on, the sequence of events that are first confusing, all turn out to make perfect sense in the end, and a very well amount of Reader speculation, this was one of the most enjoyable Fan Fictions I’ve read to date, well done!
I have no objection to unhappy endings, but for some reason--maybe the way this story was described to me--I thought it was going to turn out happy in the end. My conviction in this was so strong that when I reached the Author's Note, I actually believed it was a fake. That I would have to only scroll down a little and find the real ending--where an unconscious Celestia is found by Luna's roving search teams in the cave, and brought back, and nursed to health, and after which she repents and swears to ask for help if ever again she finds her mind going... I thought it was fake until the very end of the last blank page. And then I looked for hidden text.
ReplyDeleteYou must have done something right. >:]
@Thorin
ReplyDeleteFor not being opposed to unhappy endings, you sure were looking for a happy one, hehe.
Thanks for the review!
This story made me cry great tears of sadness. Just thinking of how it all played out its just hard to cope. Maybe i'm just to used to happy endings, this just depressed me. DAMN GOOD STORY. if you want happy though you can't have gotten any farther away.
ReplyDeleteJust finished reading this morning. Damn good story. I enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteHas it really been a year? I need to re-read this.
ReplyDelete@Equinenox
ReplyDeleteOh Equineox, you make me the happiest TwoNamedMan in the world~
Did you ever check out the sequel to it?
Er, prequel, I mean.
ReplyDeleteHead Full of Cotton Candy? I've seen it float around since the year started. No I haven't read it. I've been stuck on Fallout Equestria since April due to both length and loss of interest many times.
ReplyDeleteI'm about half way through still. I just don't have the fan fiction-reading drive I had late last year (about 8 hours of every day were devoted to ponies). I had an extensive list after I finish FOE as well, but I MIGHT read Cotton Candy sooner than later. I'm taking another break from FOE due to finals week (damn you organic chemistry), but I'm going to power through to the end in the following week.
We'll just see.
@Equinenox
ReplyDeleteI could never keep interest in the story. What sort of story has side-quests? No excuse for that in my mind. Books is not vidja gaem.
I'd be honored and privileged if I was able to be graced with another one of your comprehensive and insightful reviews. So I await that with great anticipation. Good luck on your finals!