[Dark] [Sci-Fi]
Author: G.I.U.L.I.O.
Description: A message from Nightmare Moon makes Princess Luna wary of what the stars could bring. When a massive human colony ship arrives, old forgotten legends surface and a new age dawns. But will it be one of peace or distrust?
Colonization: First Contact
Additional Tags: Humans, Ponies, Third Kind, First Contact, Diplomacy
96 comments:
HIE?
ReplyDeleteeh....
@Wackyteen its a dark sci-fi. Whaddya expect?
ReplyDelete@wackyteen HIE with a sensible reason for it. Still meh, but less so.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not too sure what to say about this except, it sounds interesting. Will read it in two hours.
ReplyDeleteHiE?
ReplyDeleteBetter be a good one. for some reason i cant get enough of these
Harry Turtledove Worldwar series, but reversed, with ponies instead of lizards. The insanity has been doubled.
ReplyDeleteI've been waiting for something like this! YAY!
ReplyDeleteIt was up for less than 15 minutes and it got a 1-star. I gave it a 5-star just to balance it out.
ReplyDeleteI'll read it later.
alright this will be near the top of my steadily growing pile of things to read.
ReplyDeletei just checked, and i have over 500 links in that pile.
Hoping to add the first HiE in my summer reading list! Don't disappoint me, authors and reviewers!
ReplyDeleteHIE? What does that stand for? o.o
ReplyDelete@Violet Droplet
ReplyDeleteOoooooh, Humans in Equestria... Right, I probably should've figured that out quicker.
Alright, guess I'll read...
I like the Human fics. This one looks quite good :)
ReplyDeleteThis seems like it will be overly formal... Might read later.
ReplyDeleteThere is a distinct lack of Ponies on Earth stories. I only remember maybe 6.
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteAre there any Pony on Earth stories? I want some!
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteFret not. A friend and I made the same observation and are in the process of writing one :)
I'm hoping to read how the whole "equestria is probably flat and the sun and moon are controlled by magic" and "space and real physics" thing
ReplyDeleteYeah, the cosmology of Equestria often gets short shrift in these sci-fi stories. I should get back to work on my old Stargate crossover fanfic idea, I was planning on having Equestria to be properly geocentric in it.
ReplyDeleteAs for this story, looking like a good start - I like the notion of Nightmare Moon being a helpful force when it suits her purposes. I'm a little worried about the humans' quick jump to considering their military resources before finding out much of anything about Equestria, and the inspiration of Turtledove's Worldwar series, since I don't want to see ponies at war. But the story has a [Dark] tag so I'll have only myself to blame if I stumble into that. I'll remain cautiously optimistic based on the viewpoint characters' reluctance when considering that option. :)
Not sure if i like.
ReplyDeleteI simply cant connect to a human group of that skill level that behave so.. unprofessionaly.
Plus i really disliked the plot twist early on (BOOM). Just felt kind of cheap.
But its kind of fun to read. So ill wait for more.
I freaking love some ponies meet human stories. I'll have to give this one a try.
ReplyDeleteBastard stole my idea 7 years in the making.
ReplyDeleteHmm... I sense a distinct lack of Advent and Vasari in this fic...
ReplyDelete@Bryan We're humanity. Our basic approach to other cultures goes as follows:
ReplyDelete10: Meet new culture
20: Can we f**k it? (Y/N)
30: If Y, get busy. If N, go to 40.
40: Can we kill it and steal it's stuff? (Y/N)
50: If Y, get busy. If N, go to tactical room.
Pessimistic, but true. We rule as a species, don't we?
HiE fics tend to come in 2 types, amazingly well written that mesh everything perfectly, or soul destroying-ly bad.
ReplyDeleteDespite being a complete sucker for HiE stories I'm hesitant.
Why is that, when humans come to Equestria, they always, always become conquering bastards hell bent in slaving/killing/exterminating the ponies?
ReplyDeleteAs the Nostalgia Critic put it: "You know, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of putting man down all the time. What is wrong with you people? Hell, I like man, IM A MAN"
Honestly, It's almost feel like the "Middle Class Shame" or "White Man Guilt" but for speciacism instead of race.
I liked the The Thessalonica Legacy where the Humans, even when they where from a very Dystopic Society, actually where sympathetic and profound instead of this one dimensional characters.
I didn't like it. If it were more ambiguous, with better reasons for their actions or hell, if it was more like David Weber Hell's gate type of first contact, when the action of one asshole turn everything to hell and is a internal conspiracy that keep the war whil showing the nobility of both sides, it would be a little be better.
2/10.
Did I miss the part where these guys are trying to conquer Equestria?
ReplyDelete@Peter
ReplyDeleteThere's:
"Recon" (first half);
"Not Exactly as I Dreamed" (kinda weird);
"My Little Dashie" (more focused on the relationship than the world);
"Stargate Equestria" (first 2 chapters of story 2);
"The Kindness of Strangers" (Humanized and possibly abandoned)
"Brave New World" (Humanized, VERY weird)
That's all I can think of. There are others where the ponies end up in worlds outside Equestria but not out Earth specifically.
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
Cool. I actually have several story ideas myself, but I need to get over my fears to actually put myself out there like that.
@Antiguo
ReplyDeleteI actually haven't read many HiE stories like that.
And in fact, I don't see any part in this story where humans are conquering Equestria, at least not yet.
@Dorian Creed
ReplyDeletei, uhm, disagree. in the past those may have been true but our current space-capable countries would tend to look for beneficial trade and/or an exchange of ideas and understanding. why glass a planet that may have plants and animals with beneficial properties just to say you have another ... planet?
so, uhm, no.
this is surprisingly good and it actually has excellent grammar for once!
ReplyDeleteTo be honest tho this is a hit or miss story. The idea is hardly original, and a lot of the the Human characters are a bit one-dimensional and other than the Commander there doesn't really seem to be a main character. It doesn't actually display the Humans as insanely evil, or really evil at all to be honest just ambitious and capitalistic.
Again its a hit or miss, a lot of people would have already made opinions since its a HiE story. Just know that its better then most.
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteKindness of Strangers is not abandoned. The author is also the author of My Dream Mare, and also seems to be running into real life troubles.
A human colony ship District 9s its way onto Equestria?
ReplyDeleteDark tag?
ME GUSTA
OH MY GOD ITS BASED OFF OF HARRY TURTLEDOVE'S WORLDWAR/COLONIZATION SERIES ALL MY 5 STARS ARE THIS TAKE MY MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN FUCKING MONEY TAKE IT NAO!!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete@Hivemind
ReplyDeleteGood to know. And Knowing is Half the Battle :)
Too many great fics don't get proper endings.
Celestia did it.
ReplyDeleteThere's a Lashonda! Hooray 4 Post-Racial America! ^_^
ReplyDeletespoilers will follow.
ReplyDeleteVenus, uh ... isn't a gas giant. it's one of the core rocky planets. Jupiter is a gas giant. Neptune and Uranus are gas giants. uhm ... do you mean a cloud covered planet? or something similar?
the plot needs a little work. is this a UN ship? the UN is supposed to be peace keeping. i'd swallow the aggressiveness of the humans more readily if i knew more about humanity at this time. if this is the last remnant, yes. if this is an average colonization attempt, uhm, no. if they know (and i think they do) that the ponies are pre-industrial, why do they think it was an attack that hit the ship? how? sabotage maybe. i'm guessing it's NMM or some such but the crew doesn't know that. it's just strange to think you're under attack by pre-powered flight people in space. the ponies seem, uhm, ok but we've only seen a little bit of them. the humans all seem pretty one dimensional.
it's ok. by no means the worst on this site though.
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteThere's also "Shard" on FIMFiction. A literal Equestria on Earth story.
@shadefox
ReplyDeleteIs it any good?
>busy writing something similar to this
ReplyDelete>checks EqD 4 the lulz
>buck me
Well. I think this has promise. Yes the ONE person was thinking of military probabilities. Give him a break, after all the alien war videos out there, who would not. But he also came to the conclusion that war was BAD and was doing his best to prevent it. Which is a very good thing, because two goddesses who can move the moon and sun know a thing or two about pumping kinetic energy into large masses. Like flinging a space ship out of the system backwards.
ReplyDelete@shadefox
ReplyDeleteSorry. The only Fics I read that aren't on EqD are clopfics.
@Peter Giving it a 5 star rating before even having read it?? To balance out a 1 star rating? What do you think the rating system is even for?
ReplyDeleteIt seemed alright, but I have a few nits to pick about a few terms used, mainly the military ones. Not sure if the author wasn't aware of some of the specifics (either didn't do the research, or didn't know there was something to be aware of to begin with).
ReplyDeleteMainly, the term "Air Force" in the context it was used should have been capitalized, as it is a proper noun (the name of an organization).
Unless military protocols have changed in whatever timeframe you're using for your story, the pilot relieving Lt. Angelus should have been another officer (lieutenant or higher), not enlisted personnel (master sergeant), especially if she's Air Force as she's introduced as.
Lt. Angelus' interaction with Guy seemed a bit out of character (and out of protocol) for someone of her rank and job. Having just met him, I find it a bit unbelievable that she'd simply drop protocol around someone she had just met, was far below her in terms of rank, and could possibly not see again for a long time once his escort duty was done. I dunno, that one just kinda bugged me.
Speaking of Guy, flipping back and forth between his last name (Vara) and his first (Guy) without having given a full proper introduction ("This is Private Guy Vara, lieutenant, and he'll be your escort...") was confusing at first. I wondered who you were talking about until I reread the section to connect "Guy" to "Vara" and realized that was his first name.
Other than picking those nits, it seemed otherwise rather solid and entertaining. In case you're wondering, yes, I've been in the Air Force, and having been a weapons loader for fighter jets, I've spent way the hell more time than I'd like around Air Force pilots. Not exactly the friendliest of people to hang with (not that they'd hang with anyone that wasn't another pilot to begin with).
@Luna Epona That's why I wasn't sure writing about interstellar stuff concerning Equestria was a good idea. The fact that we have one alicorn moving the moon and stars out of the way, and another alicorn (Princess Celestia) moving the sun across the sky ONLY after this happens, is following the old belief in an Earth centered universe, in this case Krig7B- Centered universe. But canon be damned.
ReplyDeleteHey guys, this is the author, and lemme just say thanks for all of the feedback. Lemme just say that I wasn't expecting so much of it! The reviews back at Fanfiction now seem as if they were written by cheerleaders. Not a bad thing, but it helps to get some proper critique from readers.
ReplyDelete@ponydoraprancypants, Bryan and mycutiemarkisagun: I was a fan of the Worldwar/Colonization series of Harry Turtledove and I'd be lying if I said that it didn't inspire this story. Understand though this is more Colonization-centric than Worldwar, mainly because the colonizing humans aren't there to conquer like the Lizards in the books were.
@Antiguo: They want to conquer Equestria? You must know something that I don't and I'm the author! :P
Seriously though, I understand that it seems to be one of those Avatar-eqsue stories where humanity is all 'high and mighty' and just so happened to want to take over a planet full of candy-coloured ponies simply because they can.
No it is not.
They are there to colonize. They do have a military force which is mainly to help police and get the first settlements going and is there just in case there is the off-chance of encountering a hostile race of aliens.
They weren't expecting aliens to begin with, so how would YOU handle it? Of course you don't want war but you have to realize that it is a possible eventuality and in case it does end up in war, you want to have SOME advantage if fighting breaks out, so it's more than understandable if the first group of humans have plenty of soldiers to PROTECT the others.
I was expecting this story to get some bad press because as Nax said, it's not something that everyone can enjoy. Most of my friends who have read the Worldwar series loved it but some of them didn't particularly enjoy it. That's fine.
I hate seeing stories portraying humans as heartless bastards as much as you do, but please, don't just assume that ALL 'advanced humans meeting less-advanced aliens' stories end up in war.
(Continued)
ReplyDelete@Minalkra: My bad on the Venus being a gas giant. I was so sure that it was, but after checking it out, I realized that I was thinking of Jupiter, not Venus. I need to research more before writing stuff like that (it was early on in the story, and I did begin to research a lot after starting on chapter 2).
It's not a United Nations ship. The full name is United Nations of Earth (UNE). Won't go into too much detail because otherwise I'd be spoiling it.
As for the reason as how they are conducting the colonization, again, don't want to say it here since it's still being written. But rest assured that I will get back to why this colonization process is important later on.
And for the commodore going 'we were attacked!' I admit that I wasn't terribly happy about how I included it but I wanted to end that chapter in a bit of a cliffhanger but didn't know how else to do it. I might get back to it and change it...
@shadowfalcon76: I tried to research as much as I could on the military in particular the Marine Corps since they are the 'stars' in the story. I didn't look too much into the Air Force nor how different miltary organizations interacted with each other as a result. And seeing how I didn't know anyone who had served in the military to tell me that, I kinda went with how other stories portrayed them rather than checking it out with proper research.
I always thought of the Air Force pilots being a bit more lax with protocol when not around with officers so I portrayed Angelus as such.
One thing to note though is that she's not a fighter pilot seeing how she flies dropships. I might be wrong on this but I'd think as transport pilots being a bit more friendly than fighter pilots with people OTHER than pilots. Again, I don't claim myself to be a military expert and I hate it when I get stuff like this wrong.
Would you perchance be my Air Force advisor then? XD
Once more thanks to everyone who commented. Your comments fuel my writing! :)
@G.I.U.L.I.O
ReplyDeleteHas the commodore ever seen action in war? You can explain his "we were attacked" thing as a sort of instinct he gets from combat.
@G.I.U.L.I.O.
ReplyDeleteWell if this is inspired by Turtledove, I must ask that you do not emulate his sex scene. He does great writing but love/sex scenes he does are simply awkward as hell.
Saved on FF, will read on my tablet later.
@emdefmek Hah nah, no sex/love scenes here. Don't think it's allowed on EQD anyways. Plus I don't have any romances planned. If there will be then it'll probably minor.
ReplyDeleteDo you happen to have any prereaders/editors? As far as grammar goes, you're mostly good for someone who presumably edits himself. There are a few minor typos here and there, simple things that could be fixed by your own team of prereaders. I was just curious as to if you DID have any, because, like I said, it would be impressive if you did it all by yourself. Props on the story, I like it. 7/10
ReplyDelete@Retsamoreh As a matter of fact I don't. I occasionally will show snippets to some of my closer friends and if they find any problems then I'll fix it up. For the most part though it's all me.
ReplyDeleteIn fact I am a bit and I tend to upload chapters without properly proofreading them myself. Usually though after having them uploaded (they take a few minutes to appear to readers) I'll read through it once more to spot mistakes and I quickly fix them. Still, mistakes get through and it takes a few days to find most if not all of the chapters updated.
@ Giulio
ReplyDeleteok. i still think it a bit odd to immediately think of war but i am something of a peaceful-natured human and in this situation, war is a possibility. in this case, having people who think of these things, no matter how remote, is probably a good idea. semper paratus and all that.
if there was a major shake-up of earth governments, you might want to think about multicultural-izing the humans. so far, it's very Americanized sans some of the nationalities that are pointed out, and those nationalities are generally just 'there' as opposed to, uhm, really feeling like they matter? i don't know how to say that, i'm sorry. unless there's a reason for that as well, in which case nevermind.
Very well done. Having read all you have done so far, I am very impressed with your writing style, and am very pleased that you have not gone with the whole military rapes the planet for resources because humans have screwed over the planet and have gone with a more startrekian approach of exploration for explorations sake. And as for Zecora's diction, it is rather hard to capture, but I thought you did a rather good job of it.
ReplyDelete@G.I.U.L.I.O.
ReplyDeleteWhile transport pilots do tend to be a little less egotistical than fighter pilots, they do still stand on protocol a bit more than what you portrayed Lt. Angelus. In my experience in dealing with them (the few times I did get to talk to them), they were indeed a little bit more friendly, but not by leaps and bounds.
Generally speaking, most Air Force pilots have an air of ego about them (think Rainbow Dash). There are exceptions, of course, and Lt. Angelus could be one of them, but even the friendly ones tend to keep to protocol a bit when on duty, especially if they're not talking to their aircraft maintenance crew.
As far as being your Air Force advisor, I wouldn't mind giving my input if you need something. At the very least, it could only improve and already good story.
@Dorian Creed
ReplyDeleteSuch a BASIC idea but very true.
--queue Trolluna face! :D
I went into reading this not sure what to expect. I got to the end of chapter 5, and was bummed there wasn't more. Truth is, these humans do seem to be somewhat sane, and haven't done too much damage yet, outside of clearing a space in the middle of Everfree and downing a Manticore for attacking one of their own.
I suggest to the author, watch every episode again. He admitted a limited knowledge base on MLP, and it shows in that there have only been a few scenes depicting the ponies. This has been OK, as it has allowed a good setup to the human intentions and actions.
What has involved ponies has been acceptably well made. Heck you even did a good Zecora, and many writers botch the manure out of depicting her.
The only think that seems off, is it looks like you wrote the Luna parts before the new episode "Luna Eclipsed". Not a big deal. An easy way to fix it would be to replace the bits about Twilight not really knowing her at all, and only having met her once, when she was saved, to having met her only twice. Luna did seem to learn to embrace her quiet voice most of the time by episode end, so I think that's an OK assumption. Also, the bit about Luna and Twilight not really having any friendship between them due to the lack of knowing each other... Twilight appears to be the closest pony to Luna by the end of the new episode, so I'd probably 180 that line into something more along the lines of Luna having had a hard time finding friends due to her out of date royal customs being intimidating, so Twilight was one of Luna's few friends.
I pretty much re-ran those scenes with the new data in my head, so I didn't allow it to interfere with my reading of the story.
Outside of the minor detail of the characterization of Luna's relationship with Twilight, it's been a great read so far.
I am suspecting that Trixie may have a part in the missing man, and not the Manticore, not to mention why it'd be asleep. I sure hope it wasn't the same manticore that was nice to Fluttershy! I gotta imagine there are many in the woods, and that it was a mean one... Eeyup, that's it. Right!
As to Minalkra's comment, It's certainly possible that things might be run mostly the way things are run from the origin point of the ship. Even if you have other nationalities on board, it makes no sense that if the ship launched from one region, that it'll be run like it was otherwise. Even if there are unified nations, it has no bering on the fact that local customs or modes of operation ALWAYS trump any type of global directive. Local customs and modes of operation will always be dominant when not forced.
Also, mycutiemarkisagun made my eatin' hole touch my ears! Lashonda yay! :)
I'd have a hard time imagining Trixie saving anyone from a manticore, much less an unknown creature that was completely alien to her until just a few moments before. Also, the description of how her fear was paralyzing her, compiled with the description of the wounds the Aussie was seeing and felt just before he blacked out, makes it hard for me to imagine Trixie being capable of saving his life at all (alien biology and all, even for magic).
ReplyDeleteHey, she could pull off a miracle, but it'd have to be one hell of a miracle for the humans to have not suffered their first casualty. Also, I imagine the scientists would tell the Marines to grab the manticore corpse for study and to cut it open to verify whether or not it did indeed eat their guy. The scientists would have an actual specimen of a creature of legend from Earth to study, and the Marines would know whether or not they need to be keeping an eye out for Chase.
^
ReplyDelete|
Very true regarding the sciency bit. I agree.
Don't forget though, the base had them mark the site of the creature. Crew safety is priority one. They'll likely go back with more troops for retrieval. It makes no sense to stick around and wait for more predators when you've already lost one man, and have limited resources and defenses.
Now, this man may very well still be kitty chow. The author left us with a grizzly scene, but Trixie has been doing some serious soul searching, and I think she is genuinely powerful, but she has real self image issues.
If she were more confident, she might have stopped the man from being injured at all, but I think, given the fact that the manticore was sleeping, that maybe a simple sleep spell was used, if she did anything. I imagine such a spell would exist, and be common enough knowledge to be found in one of her few books she begged from travelers, that were mentioned earlier.
I think that's exactly the sort of method Trixie might use for an attack, put it to sleep and run for your life.
I'm not discounting it though, unless they actually dig a mangled corpse out of that manticore's stomach...
You know... In a last second moment of inspiration...
ReplyDeleteThey are near a wetland portion of the woods... Maybe it was inspiration that prompted Trixie. Twilight used a gentle wind spell to blow music from snapped reeds to put the Ursa Minor to sleep. Might she have run the scenario through her head so many times that she was able to recreate the scene???
I think it'd be an interesting path for the story. If Trixie could learn to accept guidance from others, and to not put them down as per some ridiculously haughty showmare attitude, she might learn how to move forward with her life. Realizing she could learn from Twilight's actions with the Ursa, and using what she learned could be a wonderful character development for her.
Best of all... Copying Twilight's wind throught he reeds spell to put the manticore to sleep lets Trixie do one VERY important thing...
STAY HIDDEN LIKE A SCAREDY MARE!!! :D
We'll have to wait for the next chapter to see. Unless Trixie seriously did some soul searching and studying (and was actually as Great and Powerful this time as she claimed to be), I'd have to agree that she popped a sleep spell on the manticore after it was done with Chase, and then fled in terror. That's probably the most I'd imagine her to be capable of given the circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI did forget that they did mark the location, and you're right, they would retreat immediately and come back in force, now that they know that the Everfree is a LOT more dangerous than they imagined. I would also imagine them re-evaluating their position and base location. At the very least, I could see the base being under much higher alert now, and the buddy system being implemented almost everywhere.
To start with, I like the fact that you're doing a HiE that doesn't look like it will turn into one of those "Humans are bastards" fics. I also like that you're going with a plot device that isn't "Twi screwed up a spell" or "cosmic horror opened rift in spacetime" to get the story going.
ReplyDeleteHowever... There are a number of issues, but the most serious in my eyes are these:
+ Pacing. Most of the first chapter feels as if you're rushing past it just to get to the plot, at the expense of worldbuilding and atmosphere, without reaching the fast paced, stylistic feel that would be necessary for this to work. Although in all honesty, this looks like a fic that is more suited to a slower pace to begin with. I don't claim to be any sort of expert at writing, but what I try to keep in mind is that stories are like life: it is the journey that matters, not the destination.
+ Technical innaccuracies. If you don't know something, either be vague about it or do your research. A few minutes with google will vastly improve the accuracy of your writing. There were a number of things like this, but the most obvious of them was the line in which you called Venus a gas giant (IIRC). This sort of thing isn't the most important of issues, but will still break flow and immersion. Venus is a terrestrial world, and yes, these things matter. Especially to obsessives like me. :p
+ Characterization. Your characters had moments where they felt flat, as if their personalities were just bits and pieces being projected onto them for the sake of the story. Correct, in-depth characterization is one of the most important aspects of a story, even if it isn't character driven. Having well rounded, relatable characters makes the world you are creating more real, and helps readers immerse themselves in it.
+ Word choice. "Despite the omnipresent possibility of it being possible it'd just be too much for anypony." See how awkward that sounds? The best way to check for this, along with improper punctuation, is to say it out loud. See if the sentence feels natural, if it flows properly, if you can imagine someone actually saying it. Also keep in mind that most words have a number of synonyms. If you can't think of any off the top of your head, pull out a thesaurus. Just remember not to use a word if you aren't certain of what it means, simply because it was listed as a synonym of the word you're looking to replace. Vary your sentence structure and fine-tune your word choice for the exact meaning you desire.
I hope at least some part of this will help you, as I genuinely think this fic has a lot of potential. I will admit that I haven't moved past the second chapter yet, so these issues may very well have already been resolved in later chapters.
3-starring it for now, as it was somewhat enjoyable and reasonably different from the main body of HiE stories, but has a number of issues. I'll certainly upgrade that if I see improvement/my interest increases in later chapters or at a later date. :)
What's this about "The Third Kind"? I know that a "close encounter of the third kind" is a UFO sighting where the occupants of the UFO are spotted. You saying that's what the ponies are experiencing?
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to future installments.
ReplyDeleteEspecially the point where the humans enjoying their
technological superiority suddenly get the flip side
of Clarke's 3rd law:
"Sophisticated magic is indistinguishable from advanced technology"
I was sort of hoping for this story EXCEPT with the the characters
from Star Trek: The Original Series. "Shore Leave II"?
(Kirk wouldn't... would he?)
I'd like to see:
Spike, on Twilight's back, being mistaken for the dominant
species of the planet. "Ahem!" says Twilight.
(Or... "Play along." whispers Twilight)
Is it SOP to shoot down surveillance drones?
(Or what you believe to be armed UAVs?)
[I hope the royal guards are ok.)
Hey G.I.U.L.I.O., you going to go through and make some of the corrections the posters have suggested? Like fixing Venus?
ReplyDeleteI'm seeing comments for things I did not read, and yet I went through all 4 chapters. Looks like it's time to reread the whole %@#*ing thing.
ReplyDelete...also, and this is directed to the author, you ARE acknolaging Equestria as Geocentric, yes?
THERE we go. Chapter 4 wasn't linking to Chapter 5 for some reason. Had to get there via drop down from Chapter 1.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I just don't see the similarity between this and Worldwar. The Lizards had known for 500 (earth) years that earth was inhabited before setting out from Home, they even sent an invasion fleet out twenty years ahead of the colony fleet. And the only ethical debates they really had were whether they should keep trying to subjugate humanity or give up on "Tosev 3" and just nuke us.
ReplyDeleteThis is more like Battle for Terra.
@ZarPaulus
ReplyDeleteLike the Author said earlier, this is not a Pony version/crossover of Worldwar, this is a HiE fic inspired by primarily the Colonization books.
@Minalkra: There's a reason why so many of them are 'Americanized'. It'll be explained properly in a later chapter. And don't worry, there are still other characters of different nationalities to appear, politically correct that way. XD
ReplyDelete@richfiles: I am actually re-watching the MLP episodes, seeing as how I skipped some episodes. So hopefully it should give me that much more to reference from when writing the pony scenes.
About Luna...yeah. Luna Eclipsed kinda helped bog down my writing. I'm not sure if I should rewrite her bits with Twilight (messing up what I had written for the future chapters which is a considerable chunk) or have the story with the old Luna. I know it goes against the canon and it'd be the only OOC from the series. Neither scenario is really favorable, though I am likely going to revamp that Luna bit.
@Flying Dice: Thanks for the critique! And lemme refer to each of your points:
Pacing - that's what I get for not having had creative writing classes. I can't claim myself to be a professional writer and most of my 'real' written pieces were very short stories (a page long or less than 1500 words). This is my first serious attempt at a story with chapters. As I've mentioned before, I am a bit impatient, and I tend to rush things to get to the good bits. However after working on this for a while I believe (if what I've written of chapter 6 is of any indication) that my pacing is improving.
Technical inaccuracies - posters have said a lot on this, and again I'll fix anything I get wrong mainly because I hate getting my facts wrong. Plus I have been doing more research for later chapters considerably more (another reason why chapter 6 will be slow to come).
Characterization - While I can see where you're coming from, I would wait on calling most of the human characters as one-dimensional. Most haven't had more than two scenes, and that isn't a lot to help flesh out their personalities. I'm still setting up; I haven't finished introducing all of human characters yet. Give it some time.
Word choice - A heads up: I did not grow up with English. I did a few years of it in school, but most of what I know now is from international media (TV, music and Internet). I might still write some weird sentence syntaxes or put in strange words that shouldn't be there because I might be thinking in another language (for those who are curious, I speak Italian, French and Portuguese as well) and get mixed up.
Of course I am striving to improve my English as much as my writing skills.
@Shiralion: Yes.
@starcat5: Actually no, Geocentric just isn't possible. Canon be damned.
Read Celestia's Notebook for one very creative take on how the Equestrian solar system works, and why Equestria is so dependent on manual manipulation of fundamental natural functions. It and Paradise are my two favorite origin stories, with Celestia's Notebook being FOR SCIENCE! and Paradise being more mysteriously natural, with a bit of fairy tale storytelling.
ReplyDeleteI think Luna works fine being meek or quiet. Read my posts in the Luna Eclipsed episode discussion post for my take on her in detail. ☾ THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE ☽™ and her aggressive nature are all masks of royal pomp and tradition. By the end of the episode it's plain to see that she learns, and more importantly, embraces her "quiet voice", and learns to make friends and be a bit less formal. I kinda like how she naturally high steps, like a show horse! It really sets her apart in the show and being unique. I think you can even go so far as edit her appearance with very minimal fuss, if you do choose to edit it.
Ultimately, I think that the bold Luna is ONLY a mask of formality. If you pay close attention to the very subtle details of this episode, she has moments of deep sadness and reflection. The scene where she is sitting before the Nightmare Moon statue, and Twilight approaches her... You see in her face, a switch a clear as night and day, but it's so fleeting, it's easy to miss. If You let Luna grow out of her outdated formalities, you get a Luna very close to the common fanon Luna. A few lines changing Twilight and Luna's personal relationship, and adding the events of Nightmare Night as opposed to having only ever met once, is for all intents and purposes, all you NEED to actually change to keep canon.
Having read this finally I think I'm going to have to hold off on rating it. To me, what makes a HiE fic is the human(s) interaction with the ponies/pony society. This fic hasn't gotten there yet so I think it's too early to tell whether GUILIO will make it work or screw it up. It certainly has potential and I like where it's going in theory but only time will tell.
ReplyDeleteGood start nonetheless, let's see what you can do from here.
Very good story,I was skeptical at the start, but this story is very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI love how in parts you played out a scene from the perspective of the humans, and then went and played it out again from the pony perspective.
I honestly can't wait for more chapters to come out :D
Just a heads up everyone, life's gotten me busy and I haven't had a lot of free time to work on the story. Luckily today is a holiday so hopefully I should get a lot done. Keep an eye out on those story updates!
ReplyDelete@G.I.U.L.I.O.
ReplyDeleteSubscribed to on Fanfic.net.
Please don't let this fade out. This is a really good story.
Some MLP canon should me sacrificed for the story.
ReplyDelete1) It's an alien planet.
2) the hoofs can inexplicably grasp and hold items.
(Earth ponies included)
3) Pegasi generate gravity waves in flight.
To the humans, antigravity was thought impossible.
Positive gravity... That's in the starship decks.
@G.I.U.L.I.O. I check everyday :D
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to seeing special royal representative Twilight Sparkle speaking to the aliens. (Well, they are to the Equestrians!)
ReplyDeleteEverfree forest is near Ponyville, which is near Canterlot.
Ponyville would be the logic place for a meeting.
I keep hoping for an update :(.
ReplyDeleteOh well, I've waited longer. Hope everything is going good for our author.
Y THERE BE NO NEW UPDATES?!
ReplyDelete@Shiralion (and anyone else wondering about the lack of an update):
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately recently I've been suffering from depression which demotivated in pretty much everything. University already takes up a lot of my time but I couldn't get myself to write more than a few words per WEEK as a result. It's gotten better, but now I need to catch up with missed work and uni classes.
Don't fret though, I'm pulling through this crisis and I have made myself some time to write and in the last few days I got a LOT done in terms of story timeline, planning and research. I haven't worked too much on chapter 6 but I hope that beginning tommorrow I'll be able to put in at the very least a few hundred words every day.
Thanks for the concern.
Huzzah : D
ReplyDeleteso how is se dope lately G.I.U.L.I.O.?
ReplyDelete@SirGoldfish
ReplyDeleteI've written quite a lot, but university's been picking up again and I've also been working on some other short stories of mine. Chapter 6 is looong and about 40% of it is done. One thing that I can tell you is that if it doesn't end up being over 15,000 words long forcing me to split the chapter into two then you should find the cliffhanger very interesting indeed.
oooh exciting :D
ReplyDeleteHey everyone, still working on chapter 6 but seeing how I've been working on too long, I decided to show you an ENTIRE PASSAGE from chapter 6. Note, this does containt SOME spoilers, so if you don't want to spoil chapter 6, then ignore the link I'll put up here.
ReplyDeleteNote that the passage is still subject to be revised so there may be some changes in it by the time chapter 6 comes around, but this passage is complete as it is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1396116
Scroll down my profile to see the passage.
Happy readings and merry christmas!
Jesus Christ, please update.
ReplyDelete@G.I.U.L.I.O. Very good :D
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for the rest of the chapter. Is there any estimated time until the update it has been quite some time now.
@nettick
ReplyDeleteI'll be off to spend the holidays at my uncle's in the country side where the internet is less than reliable so I'll have far fewer distractions than I have now so if I'm on my laptop, I'll probably be typing/working on the story.
Then again I am visiting family, so I might not get a much of a chance to work behind a screen long enough to finish the chapter.
But hopefully I might get an end-of-the-year update in for you all if we're lucky.
Happy Holidays!
@G.I.U.L.I.O. you are a very skilled writer, quite frankly one of the best that I have seen on this site. I am sorry to hear that you have been hitting some hard time, and am glad to hear that you are getting better. I hope you continue this particular story, it happens to be in my top 5 favorites despite it's unfinished state. But regardless your health comes first, stay positive, and I hope you continue on your path of good health.
ReplyDeleteMOAR!
ReplyDeleteIt's good to see this story hasn't been abandoned, enjoying it way to much for it to die a silent death.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up, I'll be here reading your work.
UPDATE:
ReplyDeleteHey guys, been a while hasn't it? Well, I first want to say that this story has NOT been abandoned and that while I've hit a slump for a few weeks, I've gotten quite a lot done again and...right now chapter 6 is about 50% done and it is...
Nearly 8000 words? Buck me. ._. This chapter's gonna end up being 14,000 words long.
In fact, at the time of writing this update, the story is 33,001 words long, not including the author notes, timeline and other annotations I have ready.
This is easily the biggest piece that I've ever written, and if this keeps up, the story will easily reach the 100,000 words milestone and then some.
Uni's been easing up a bit, so I'll try to get some more writing done, hopefully I'll get this bad boy done soon and have a large part of chapter 7 done as well.
See you all soon!
Hurray!
ReplyDeleteyay!
ReplyDeletehow goes the story G.I.U.L.I.O.?
ReplyDeleteGoing good. University is picking up again but I got quite a bit done. At one point I had 14,000 words for chapter 6, but I realized that much of the latest bits were just... really bad.
ReplyDeleteI needed to rewrite much of the last third, bringing me back to the 7k marker, but now it's back up to 10,000. While I can't promise the update any time soon, I'll do what I can to get it out ASAP. Don't lose heart!