[Normal]
Author: NoMoreSanity
Description: "We all know about stories where Humans enter Equestria. But what about a world where Equestria is in the Human world? It is the year 1820, and a series of events brings a young unicorn and a human prince together. Together, they will embark on a quest to change Europe, and the world, forever."The Son of the Emperor Part 1
The Son of the Emperor Part 2
The Son of the Emperor Part 3
The Son of the Emperor Part 4
The Son of the Emperor Part 5
The Son of the Emperor Part 6 (New!)
The Son of the Emperor (All Links)
Additional Tags: AU, AH, France, Twilight, War
235 kommentaari:
you guys make fan-fictions faster than i can read them.
VastaKustutaWar and yet NOT grimdark?
VastaKustutaHow does that work?
Awesome to see this got posted. Thanks again to the EqD readers for their response and help with this. I can't wait to hear the comments on this one.
VastaKustuta'Bout damn time. I was thinking I'd have to write an Equestrian on Earth story myself.. =P
VastaKustutaSounds interesting... I'll have to give this a read some time.
VastaKustuta@Dusty the Royal Janitor
VastaKustutaThis will not be an exercise in showing the horrors of war. Rather, it is an alternate history, featuring My Little Pony, because I am a bit deranged.
"But what about a world where Equestria is in the Human world?"
VastaKustutaWell THAT takes balls......
and yea, LOL @ this concept being Grimdark free. Good luck in those World Wars next century, Equestria.
Fun Fact: The Nazi Wehrmacht army was heavily dependent on horses for logistics. Hell, one of the reasons Hitler never had the balls to employ chemical weapons on the battlefield is because he (and more importantly, the generals) knew the Allied chemical response would devastate the German equine population.
@mycutiemarkisagun
VastaKustutaNice to see a fellow historian is reading. But to say the least, the alternate history here is going to ensure the Nazis never get to power. I mean I'd be a lazy historian and writer if I just threw in the Nazis after what I'm planning.
This one seems promising... And here I was drafting my Equestria meets Earth story.
VastaKustuta@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaNot sure it's "lazy" as much as it's "who would ever put those things in the same universe, you monster."
I'm liking this so far. Keep it up.
WTF. i submitted a story similar to this but it got rejected because it was humanized!
VastaKustuta@ToonNinja
VastaKustutaThe point I was making with using the word 'lazy' is that in almost any mainstream AH the Nazis still get in power somehow. Germany wins WWI? NAZIS! CSA stays independent? NAZIS! Rinse and repeat.
This sounds EPIC! Please don't disappoint.
VastaKustuta@redspade
VastaKustutaThe whims of the pre-readers are fickle indeed. Better luck next time I guess?
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaOkay, yeah, that makes more sense.
I'm going to give this a read. Sounds interesting!
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@Nightbreak
VastaKustutaReally? Because the source I got this from says it's the Imperial Standard of the Second Empire. If it is the coat of arms of either unit, I'd have no idea.
Unexpectedly delightful. More, please. :)
VastaKustutaNoMoreSanity:
VastaKustutaThat's one of the 32nd's Eagles, but that's an 1815 pattern from Waterloo, I think. Is that from the 32e Ligne or the 32e Legere, though?
There aren't supposed to be any surviving from either regiment.
---
Deleted and reposted to add:
It could be a 2nd Empire Eagle, but that short a turnaround means it could be an 1815 pattern. The 32nd's Eagle wasn't destroyed like so many others after King Louis returned.
It's not the coat of arms as much as the regimental standard that the tricolour was mounted on. I used to research the First Empire ones a decade ago and I was boggled to see one turn up in an MLP fanfic. :D
VastaKustuta@Nightbreak
VastaKustutaHmm, that's interesting right there. Possibly Napoleon III took the design from the 32d and used it as his own? I wouldn't know, the source says nothing about this.
Otherwise, it's good to see a fellow historian here! I hope you enjoy the story at least.
Possibly. The 2nd Empire was in 1848. And it's been years since I've dealt with Napoleonics, but it's also good to see ponies in the age of Napoleon.
VastaKustutaMan, a few Pegasi wouldn't have been amiss at Trafalgar. Maybe we should have an alternate history fic challenge sometime. Put ponies in a historical event. :D
@Nightbreak
VastaKustutaOh dear god I would love that. If this fic actually inspired that to happen, I would be forever content.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaOh, I see the pic came from Wikipedia and it's listed as a reproduction of the 1st squadron of the Horse Grenadiers of the Imperial Guard. Explains that. Here I was looking through my Charrie and Digby Smith ...
And yes, I like what you're doing here. Maybe once NaPoWriMo and NaNo are over, we can talk Midnight Shadow or Phoe into it.
@Nightbreak I... have no idea who have those people are save Phoe, but if you would be a dear, could you explain what would they do exactly?
VastaKustutaWow, At first I did not want to read this, but I did any how, (bored) But after reading it, this looks to be an interesting read all in all.
VastaKustutaI TAKE ALL THE CREDIT FOR EDITING EVEN THOUGH I BALLSED IT UP A BIT.
VastaKustuta@Gerazzi
VastaKustutaTHAT YOU DID!
Ponies and Napoleon? Interesting combination, but it works.
VastaKustutaI'm perticularly looking forward to seeing what that whole "sun prophesy" was about. Celestia not letting on as much as we think, eh? ;)
This looks really good. Just don't ship and ruin a good concept. This has SO much potential.
VastaKustuta@NoMoreSanity I love the concept, and you played it out really well. Please keep it up, and take however long it takes to get each chapter up to the quality of the first.
VastaKustutaAs a major fan of history (Only now leaving the era of Louise XIV), I find this absoutely facinating. As with Bronydash above me, this tale you have begun to spin has great potential, and I do like how they are speaking Deutch (As opposewd to enitrely English but pretending it's German).
VastaKustutaAlso, it's good to see another fan of Victoria 2 in here (Do you like EU3 by chance?).
Boy, I wish I hadn't been eating when I read this, the mere thought of ponies as slaves almost made me vomit, no joke.
VastaKustutaOther than that, it's good so far, can't wait to read more!
You certainly got the attention of all the history lovers on this site (like myself!) and i was pleasantly surprised on how well this turned out, excellent job!
VastaKustuta@crushric
VastaKustutaThat I am good sir. Good to see another fan here.
@Grez
VastaKustutaThat I elicited such emotions from you is both pleasing and disturbing. But to ease your fears, ponies have it much better in some areas of Europe, to say the least.
@bronydash
Good to hear that. Just to ask though, why would you assume there would be shipping?
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaMidnight Shadow called for and arranged the Happy Luna Fic Challenge the other month.
OH MAN, historical ponyfic was not even on my radar and now there's THIS and it's AWESOME and INSPIRING and now I have this terrible itch to write ponies in Ancient Greece during the Peloponnesian War.
VastaKustutaB-but first I need to reread this chapter. For -- for inspiration. *eep*
Victoria 2 much? :P
VastaKustutaWell, it seems interesting/intriguing enough. Will read it after getting something to eat.
Well, I'm hooked! When's the next chapter coming out?
VastaKustutaHonestly though, this story as a whole has caused quite a few emotions to spring up in my heart. The issue as a whole might not be (quite as) relevant in today's day and age, but I hate the concept of slavery with a burning passion. So as you can imagine, seeing Twilight shackled like that at the beginning really got to me. The other ponies were a little bit disconcerting, but this was the 1820's. The establishment of slavery wasn't yet implemented at the time, and with the conquering fever going around at the time I could easily see nobles wanting such exotic slaves.
These slight misgivings were quickly replaced by a feeling of eager optimism at the unveiling of who our little human protagonist really was. Though he did it out of a need for conquest, his father displayed great feats of strength as a general. If he turns out to be anything like his father in terms of leadership, and with our very own Twilight at his side, I expect we'll see great things out of him as time goes on.
In conclusion, in the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln... Party on dudes!
@Nightbreak
VastaKustuta*Does Applejack's pokerface*
Yeah, I totally know what that is...
@shyree
Thank you for the praise. I hope later chapters can meet your expectations.
@Violet Droplet
Let's just say you will be very happy with later chapters.
And with my erratic schedule, probably a week or so before it updates.
Well this is very interesting. Also very well written. I'm not sure how I feel about Twi's history being highjacked before ever meeting the Elements, but I guess it's better she doesn't miss them this way.
VastaKustutaJust hoping you could clarify 2 things:
1: Exactly WHEN was Twi captured? Was she on the way to Canterlot to take the entrance exam, or sometime later considering her magical ability.
2: Ponies have cutie marks on both flanks. Is this a mistake or a part of your AU?
@DPV111
VastaKustuta1. I'm imagining sometime later. I'm probably going to flesh it out some more in later chapters, and/or edit this one to have it make more sense.
2. I have no idea about that. From what I see the show itself is schizophrenic about that, so just assume they can have it on one side or both for whatever reason. Or I could just edit it later if it really bothers you.
It doesn't bother me. I was just curious, but yes, in cannon they have Cutie marks on both sides. Of course this is fandom so I really don't care about cannon. Just characterization.
VastaKustuta@DPV111
VastaKustutaHow about we just say she never really got a good look at his cutie mark before? And the same for our human protagonist later.
But yes, any comments on my characterization and writing? That's the stuff I really care about.
I <3
VastaKustuta@Grez, Violet Droplet
VastaKustuta"hate the concept of slavery with a burning passion"
"ponies as slaves almost made me throw up"
Avoid "Somewhere Only We Know" at all costs.
As I said, the writing is very good. It's also very heavy on descriptiveness and a little light on narrative. But that's to be expected for the beginning of a story or a new setting. Hopefully later chapters pick up the narrative style after all the setting is established.
VastaKustutaWell as far as characterizations...
Twilight is the only non OC character so far and this being an AU plus with her just recovering from a traumatic incident, I can't say much.
I would say that her reactions to captivity were pretty well done, but her reaction to the murder was far understated. You could remedy this by perhaps describing it as just one more atrocity she had witnessed on the journey from Equestria. It would make more sense if she was numbed and desensitized by now and this was not the first death she had witnessed...
I'm also a little unsure as to why Equestrian Earth Ponies would be used as simple workhorses considering their small statures, extreme rarity, high value, sentience and total adorability. Even Earth Ponies would most likely be at worst indentured servants or prized pets.
The Slaver Pony on the other hand, the only way I could ever consider him to ever engage in the actions he does is if he had never been born in Equestria and was raised by the slavers.
I guess my biggest pet peeve is that if these Ponies, as a fictional cartoon, can literally improve the lives of so many, and actually make the internet 20% nicer... I just don't get how the humans of your story can be so callous toward them. I mean we cave plenty of grimdark about bad things happening to ponies, but could you imaging actually killing a real one if they existed? Or even standing by while one was abused?
@Party Favors
VastaKustutaOMFG that story was so sad that reading the COMMENTS made me cry.
But...
That was not Equestrians as slaves.
That was horses dreaming of Equestria.
Mistreatment of animals is deplorable, but a fact of our reality.
Hurting an Equestrian, if they existed, being fully sentient, as well as... well...you know. The only people who would be OK with that are the same ones OK with human slavery, political-religious totalitarianism and genocide.
How... annoying.
VastaKustutaHonestly, the entire "Humans are bastards, enslave ponies" is so overdone that it's just came as annoying parody.
The fact that you put it in 1800 in a "somewhat" historical setting really don't hide said sentiment. Like a snicker cover for a Tin-larin.
It was narmy, it was badly paced, it tried to hard to be deep and honestly, the entire "What if Equestria was on Earth" is
A) so full of plotholes, both in Economics, physics and Alternate History time line.
B) So forced to try to joint two Universe with radically different thematics and sense of morality.
C) So vague as to be meaningless
that honestly it seems mostly like a paint job for the clones over clones of Humans in equestria LOL and misanthropy that exist in My little pony fiction.
.05/10
@Antiguo
VastaKustutaRemember the ending of Happy Feet?
Was it awesome? Ya.
Was it believable? Hell NO.
It had to be the French, didn't it...
VastaKustutaIt's the Austrian.
VastaKustuta@DPV111
VastaKustutaJust to let you know, the world isn't as bad as it seems in this. This is just the act of a few awful men, just like most crimes in life. Austria is just one of the worst places to be a pony. That's all I can really explain at this point.
@Antiguo
Just to let you know, not all humans are bastards in this. In fact, there's a reason the slavers were trying to hide. It's because pony slavery is illegal or at least pretty much so by this time, but still covered in the black market. As does actual slavery today. If you would've waited till next chapter, I would've explained this, but now I guess not.
Also I like how you go on and on about how unrealistic this is, without even bothering to explain why and at the first chapter at that. If you would like to write a better story, be my guest, but until then please, actually give me criticism before commenting, thanks.
Okay, since people are assuming everything is awful and grim-dark on the very first chapter, let me explain some things. No, the rest of Europe is not nearly as shitty for Ponies, at least in Prussia, France, and Britian. And just FWY, the ponies in this fic grow to the size of real life horses. Defeats the purpose of calling them ponies I know, but they wouldn't exactly be effective workhorses or cavalry otherwise.
VastaKustutaAlso, dear god this is not going to be grim dark. Things will get better, but there needs to be some obligatory cynicism to introduce to people that this is REAL LIFE. Not a fantasy world where love and tolerance triumph.
ponies are not horses. i've always seen ponies as more large-dog-sized. human equivalent in body mass, but that's just my own personal desires. i, i can't think of them much larger without really being reminded they are, though, and often. sorry ...
VastaKustutathat said, i, uhm, liked it so far. i would like it if, whenever someone new is talking, you separated it out into a new paragraph. that's, uhm, the common standard. but it's nicely done. i like how it's not 'oh, Equestrian everything is so much better than human stuff' re: the palace. do Earth-norm horses exist? sure hope so, otherwise where's the Mongols come from? can humans do magic? gives the remnants of the inquisition something to do i guess.
what about the US? what about Columbus? what about the Mayans, Incas, plains indians? if these just don't exist or exist in a highly modified manner, sure, but i'd love to hear about how different it is with Equestria being on the American continent.
essentially, i'd love to see how you treat this setting and would like to read more. it's not 'unrealisitc' (not any more so than 'magic talking unicorns' are normally, anyway) it's just not answered a bunch of questions yet. but it's the first chapter, so i don't really think that's any problem. seriously, guys, most books take longer to get into the setting than this did.
Ok NoMoreSanity, I read your chapter.
VastaKustutaThis fic has such incredible potential. I'm kinda geeking out here. The setting and details are on a different level from most fics.
I've done a lot of editing for fics (most recently Article 2, if you've read it). Anyway, I think I might be able to help you with some grammar stuff that cropped up.
Don't get me wrong, your content is awesome. I just want to offer help with some passive verb structure, that sort of thing. It's the curse of going into Com. Arts teaching... you get this urge to edit.
Is there an email I can reach you at? Again, I don't want to change content or most of the wording ("a shade of deadly gray" - nice!) I just want to tinker with some grammar.
Let me know!
Interesting! At first skim it reminds me of the Temeraire (Novik) series of books, I think I shall have to break my (loose) 'no incomplete fics' rule.
VastaKustuta@Cesco
VastaKustutaI am not offended in the least. That you would want to help me out so much is an honor to say the least. My grammar has always been poor in comparison to my other writing skills, so I have no shame in accepting help.
My email is [email protected]. I can also get you a hotmail if you want, but who the hell uses hotmail? But yes, e-mail me if you want, that's fine with me.
@Minalkra
I'd like to answer your questions, but I can't really without spoiling more then I already have. Basically most of this will be explained on the next chapter or later. Patience is a virtue my dear, remember that.
Please, please stop confusing "then" for "than". 'More than'. "...than I already have". Spellcheckers are stupid, you are intelligent. It's bringing down a very promising fic. Fix that, and you're good.
VastaKustutaHad a chance to read this properly and I'm def. hooked. As has already been said, great potential and a vast number of unanswered questions (it's getting the answers that's going to be fun!). There are a couple of bits that don't quite hang right - eg the very first section with the father/ son interaction (in parts he can understand his father but at the end you say he doesn't, perhaps key it to changes in his father's tone/ expression?). Also you have a couple of "picking up a stray family's unicorn" which makes it sound like the family is the stray ("picking up a family's stray unicorn" makes more sense)
VastaKustutaAs much as I really, really want to love this fic, I just can't. I normally love fics where it has a good ponies+humans theme, and even more so when it's medieval-themed. Yes, I am well aware that this is not during the middle ages. You've somewhat managed to integrate ponies into Earth... Well. There are certainly a ton of glaring things that make no sense whatsoever, but some of them can just be accepted because 'Hey! It's just a fic, right?' and not really worth getting worked up over.
VastaKustutaHowever, as much as I really want to love everything here, it was a pain to read. In the end, to me, it seemed to just be a somewhat-historically-accurate ugly wordwall. You constantly switch language interpretations, which is confusing as hell sometimes. Your giant paragraphs are very ugly and off-putting, and even more so when I realized several characters were actually CONVERSING in the SAME FREAKING PARAGRAPH.
The idea has tons of potential. You are just not the right guy to be writing it, or your editors are idiots and you need to go get better ones. Sorry for the harsh words. I only say sorry because I hate seeing brilliant ideas like this go to waste.
French Empire? Napoleon II? With ponies?
VastaKustutaAWESOMENESS.
@RetsamorehHarsh is right. You might be able to justify your views in the first two paragraphs, but that last one was uncalled for. Perhaps you could tone it down a tad?
VastaKustutaI finished reading, and I have to say, the language switching doesn't really block the reading. Though, I am French, so I've no difficulties to get from one to another. Besides, I was very please to find only ONE mistake in the French translations. Trust me, that's not a small feat, French is a hell to learn for English-speaking people. This error is in the very last sentence, when Charles calls Twilight "mon petit pouliche". "Pouliche" (= filly) is female, so it should be "ma petite pouliche". Oh, besides. Never uses the word "étalon" (=stallion) in French. Never ever. Nowadays, the most common meaning is not exactly pony-related, if you see what I mean.
VastaKustutaAs I said before, the context is pure awesomeness, and so far you're doing a great job. I especially love all the historical references.
@Gig
VastaKustutaOkay, first off, thank you for telling me your issues with this. I'm happy to receive your opinion.
However, the way you give your criticism is a bit strange. Let me go into more detail. 'A somewhat-historically-accurate ugly wordwall.' How so? You don't mention any inaccuracies in it, and from what I've seen from the commenters so far who actually are historians, this is pretty accurate.
I can see why you'd be angry at the language changes, but the general idea of the German and French sentences are always visible from the general consensus, and it's not necessary to say the least. How are the paragraphs off-putting? I cut them up into manageable chunks, but if you want them to be smaller I guess that's okay. I'd need to ask the pre-readers if they're bad, but so far I haven't heard anything else like that.
When do I have them converse in the same paragraph? In the pre-pre-reader build I had that a bit, but it's been fixed now I believe. Certainly you can actually tell me where the problem is, instead of complaining and insulting me, correct?
I see. So if my editors are idiots, then two of the Equestria Daily pre-readers are idiots. MAKES SENSE.
So you say you sorry, then you once again go on to insult me without actually telling me what I did wrong or try and help me? That literally makes no sense. Next time when you'd wish to comment, actually tell me what I did wrong instead of flinging out insults.
@acksed
I apologize, I really suck at distinguishing between the two. Forgive me, I'll be sure to change this in future edits.
@Gig
The funny thing is, I just realized this before I read your comment, and was just about to change it. Thanks for noticing and commenting though, I really appreciate it.
@Luna-tic Scientist
I'm sorry about that. I'll see if I can change it to make it seem better.
Shit, I meant Retsahmoreh for that first comment. Sorry about that Gig.
VastaKustutaInteresting... so Equestria is in America?
VastaKustutaI am surprise that Princess Celestia is not taking a firmer stance on Pony slavery. Or maybe she is.... and thus the problem is indeed small and Twilight is just one unlucky pony.
Are all ponies able to talk? (at least to twilight). Or only the subspecies of ponies from equestria.
And where do unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies sit in human society? Are they considered people, slaves, or things.
MOAR! MOAR! MOAR! MOAR! MOAR!
VastaKustuta@acksed
VastaKustutaWell, dang. I thought I'd caught most of that, but it looks like my brain skipped over some instances. My bad as an editor and pre-reader.
NoMoreSanity and I extensively edited the chapter. All of the grammar has been fixed, and there have been some minor tweaks and improvements.
VastaKustutaYou know, my only, only tiny teeny nitpick is that dialog sounds too Americanized. I know it's American English translated from German, probably... but giving it a bit more European-style, cultured language here and there can help make it 20% better.
VastaKustutaMy two Bits.
Aaaaaand, never mind that. I see you put German and French in. I like where this is going. Minus a few errors, it's taking a really good shape!
VastaKustutaAw, Celestia!! I completely forgot to comment on this when I finally managed to finish reading it yesterday. Takes a while when you're only free to read on a phone at work -_-;
VastaKustutaEither way, like a bunch of the others commenting, I'm a history buff; graduated college in International Studies. While I focused on Security and Intel, one of my favorites was Past, Present, and Future of war. The basis of the class emphasized state-building as a result of the international system created in the ashes of Napoleon's defeat.
As of now, you've got almost no errors, you write like a fantasy novel author, your history is better than I can catch mistakes for, your imagery is well-constructed, and your pacing and story-telling are excellent. Although it was a bit slow to pick up, I was quickly hooked. I'm excited to see this keep going.
>ctrl+F Temeraire
VastaKustuta>1 result
>:c C'mon guys.
This looks like a very interesting story. I'm guessing a lot of my questions are going to be ansewered in the coming chapters. Going to be following it closly.
VastaKustuta@forkinyoureye
Temeraire, eh?
*looks it up*
And we get the answer of what history would look like if we had dragons. :D
@NoMoreSanity we need every Austrian Group that is possible. it is worth it! believe me ;)
VastaKustutaEqaustrians
http://www.facebook.com/groups/254071921272153/
http://rainbowdash.net/group/eqaustrians
NoMoreSanity,
VastaKustutaYou know. I didn't read fanfiction before FiM.
Since then I have found writing that humored, horrified, amazed, and saddened. These fics have made my blood sugar rise, my heart soar, my eyes leak, and my chest feel as if it had a trebuchet launched mortar fired into it.
In other words I can tell a thing or two about fanfictions from some of the words and having seen a few in my time.
This is easily, in two chapters, one of the most compellingly and powerfully written fics I have read.
Take your time with this. Don't rush yourself, don't restrict yourself. You are crafting something special here.
Do mythical creatures like dragons and griffons exist in this universe or it's just the ponies?
VastaKustutaI once promised myself to one day draw a image like this (http://newyork.untappedcities.com/files/2011/04/napoleon-horse.jpg), superimposing the horse with Princess Celestia.
VastaKustutaAfter reading this story thus far I have decided to change that to Twilight Sparkle instead.
@AK
VastaKustutaI would love you forever if you did that.
@ABitOfWeather
That'll be answered next chapter.
Yay, chapter 2! As good as the first one.
VastaKustutaNow, once again, the French need some tweaks. Only on very minors things, though, I'm amazed that you don't do more mistakes.
"Tuileries Palais" -> "Palais des Tuileries"
"Ancien Régimes" -> "Anciens Régimes" (in French, adjectives are variable. Besides, the expression would be a bit odd with the caps in French, but I guess it doesn't matter in English).
"mon petite pouliche" -> "ma petite pouliche" (you did it again! xD)
"Tres bien!" -> "Très bien!" (silly accents!)
"mon petite pouliche" -> "ma petite pouliche" (again)
"the L’Empereur Napoléon" -> "L’Empereur Napoléon" (since "L'" means "the", it's redundant)
"mon petite pouliche" -> "ma petite pouliche" (ter)
Besides that, the story is great. I want the third chapter! :D
From the description, I thought the characters would be OC's, but then I noticed Twilight Sparkle in the labels. That's what convinced me to give this a shot. I am VERY glad that I did.
VastaKustutaI'm a bit saddened that Twilight is apparently going to grow up with no further magical education. Or at the very least, nothing like what she would've gotten under Celestia's tutelage. I'm also assuming the Elements of Harmony aren't going to play any sort of role in this story, which is odd because that's kind'a what her cutie mark represents (Friendship is Magic!), lol. Antsily awaiting the next chapter!
This concept is madness.
VastaKustutaDelicious madness.
@Gig
VastaKustutaWow, thanks for the corrections. Changed it all now, though on some of them I wonder how I managed to derp that badly.
Bookfort! :-)
VastaKustutaBrony? You have well-researched Napoleonic history mashed together fairly well with the history of pony co-existence, then you drop "brony" in. I'm sorry, it's a little jarring.
"...must keep the reigns over ponykind..." Reins, not reigns - you rein in a horse, which is the meaning you're going for here; you reign over a kingdom.
Wait, if pony slavery is being, er, toned down, what of the American ponies?
"..for more then a few years..." More than.
Confound these ponies, they drive me to drink? I see what you did there.
Geography lesson.
Fwends!
"...less miserable then it could be." *twitch* ...than it could be.
"...certainly better then...." Than.
Oh oh, don't say the S-word.
Aww, this is sweet.
*time skip* Oh dear, what's going to happen?
Phew, birthday present.
More cake. Double aww. But should she be at least trying to get back home by now - even a message?
Grave serious news. "...or to far ahead" Too.
It's been a long time since history, but I still knew this was coming.
"...more knowledgeable then..." Than. Spotting a theme here...
"I need you’re help" Your.
#Let's get down to business...
Hmm, better than the first chapter. Continue! :-)
@acksed
VastaKustutaAs insane as it sounds, I actually have a reason for using 'brony' that will be explained next chapter.
Thanks for the general corrections. I have all those fixed now. I somehow have a feeling that you fixing by than/thens will be a running gag before this is over.
America will be explained in time.
S-word? Dare I ask?
Twilight basically can't try such a thing, because she's nine/ten, and she's in a foreign land with no support besides another kid and two guys without much power. I could elaborate more on it next chapter though. Actually, yeah, I just thought of a good way to explain that while making it sensible in context.
I'm not sure whether to take that last comment as a compliment or not. So I will! :D
The writing is great (at times, I forget I'm reading a pony fan-fic); a few misspelled words, but nothing too bad; like said, word "brony" is much too modern and hits WSODB with figurative hammer; Biggest problem is Twilight. She is not Twilight I know; would have been better if it was completely new character.
VastaKustuta@Unknown
VastaKustutaThanks for the praise. Like I said above, the brony usage will be explained in time, as it doesn't mean the same thing in this timeline then our own, and I actually have a reason for it. Just have faith in me, I'll explain next chapter. :P
I can understand your complaints about Twilight. Though if it helps at all, she's still rather young, and thus would act differently. She'll grow into her canon persona more as time goes on. I'd rather have not used an OC, mainly because I despise them taking a leading role, but I am truly sorry if it was a big problem to you.
Jesus didn't have anything to say about unicorns, but Matthew & Luke did? Damn. I'd be interested to know what John the Shepherd would have thought of unicorns, though.
VastaKustutaAnd now I can't get the image of ponies in Biblical times: "Yea, consider the Pegasi of the air. They fly and they buck clouds, but are they not sold two for fifty bits?"
@Unknown
VastaKustutaConsidering Twilight in this story is 11 years old; about half way between when she was accepted to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and season 1, I'd say she's pretty IC.
Well, I'm hooked.
VastaKustutaThis is excellent. Incredibly engaging, a unique plot, and adorable to boot!
5/5 Please write more!
OK, this is a little off topic - but considering the subject matter I thought it would be of interest to anypony watching this thread.
VastaKustutaOn tuesday the 25th, 2300 UK time BBC radio 4 is going to broadcast a comedy called 'Warhorses of Letters', detailing an 'epistolary equine love story' between Napoleon's horse (Stephen Fry) and Wellington's horse (Daniel Rigby).
"Episode 1 charts the early days of their romance and the early days of the Peninsular Campaign." (part 1 of 4)
The ad sounded pretty good; not sure how available iplayer is outside the UK; I'm willing to repost if anypony is interested...?
@Luna-tic Scientist
VastaKustutaSounds funny.
@DPV111Oh it was (http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/bigscreen/radio/episode/b01681l4/ still up for a couple more days).
VastaKustutaCould have done with fewer 'explanations to the audience' after all it was supposidly written from one horse to another, but still good for all that.
[M/M shipping] [comedy] 4.5 stars
"The Orient has also had similar experiences"
VastaKustutayou would think a nation which worships the Sun Goddess as the head of the Imperial Line would be quite accepting of those under Her rule, no?
I'm talking about Japan and Amaterasu/Celestia, btw.
You are a master of stealth puns, NoMoreSanity!
VastaKustuta“Good to see you’re seeing sense. Now, hopefully we can find your friend. He’ll hopefully not have been nailed by the nobility of this place...”
I fell out of my chair.
Well this is getting fun. Kinda funny that Franz looses his cherry at the party and Twi doesn't even get hit on once. Double standards what?
VastaKustuta@Forderz
VastaKustutaDanke kind sir.
@The Wandering Magus
Hmm, you've certainly given me a good idea.
@DPV111
Double standards indeed good sir. Plus Twilight's kind of naive in such scenarios, to say the least.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaI love giving people ideas :)
“Generosity is a rarity in this world,"
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE :D
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaOh I definitely don't see her as the "adventurous" type. Just saying it's surprising nopony made any advances.
A correction for the map: At that time it would still be British America if you were to refer to the British holdings north of the US as a whole. "Canada" would refer only to the crown colonies of Upper Canada, (modern day southern Ontario plus the north shore of lakes Superior and Huron), and Lower Canada, (southern Quebec).
VastaKustutaCanada would not include most of that territory until 1870, (when the Hudson's Bay Company transferred Rupert's Land and the North-Western Territory), and would not include all of it until 1949, (when Newfoundland joined).
>Carousel Boutique
VastaKustuta... :O Are other members of the Mane 6 going to be part of this story!? Oh Celestia I hope so! Though... Rarity can't be that much older than Twilight, can she? To own her own business? I assume at this point, it's owned by her parents, or perhaps to a noble family she's in service to. Either way, Rarity (probably) is going to be in this, which means that the others will (probably) be too! I'm suddenly even more excited for this story than I already was, and I was already VERY excited!
You're going to give me a heart attack.
@Chakat Firepaw
VastaKustutaI mainly asked for it to be called British Canada to make it easier to recognize. I'm not sure I need to ask my friend to redo the map just to fix that, but I'll ask him and see if he doesn't mind.
@Cedric Bale
You'll see, you'll see good sir...
Just pointing down a correction in the map:
VastaKustutaMexico's name was ofically known as United Mexican States until 1824
Twi refers to Luna controlling the night sky. Twi has yet to lead the bearers of the Elements of Harmony in saving Luna from Nightmare Moon. Wat?
VastaKustutaMy best guess is that Luna never got banished to the moon in this continuity...
Anyhow, still loving the story! I particularly enjoy the German bilingual bonus stuff you throw in there, complete with the cultural aspects and idiomatic usages of the language. I feel that it adds a delightful dimension to the story.
@Bugsydor
VastaKustutaDue to spoilers, I can neither confirm nor deny that hypothesis. Take that answer how you will.
I think we can safely say that a lot of questions we might ask about this universe would fall under spoilers, right? :)
VastaKustuta@Apollo
VastaKustutaI'd answer that for you, but spoilers. :P
Gratz on 4.5
VastaKustuta@DPV111
VastaKustutaIsn't that where it's been for a while though?
Hehe, I totally love chapter 3 so far.
VastaKustuta"What just happened?" she asked blankly.
"Meine Oma" he said, simmering.
"Ah." she said, not really understanding yet not actually sure she wanted too.
That just seems... so like the humour of the show. Didn't think you'd be able to slip that in there :D
Also love the Rarity reference. Here's hoping they meet some day :3
@Nyerguds
VastaKustutaThanks, glad you liked it. I'm a little unsure about my humor capabilities a lot of the time, so hearing that is a boost.
And on Rarity, well... Let's just say hope sometimes comes true.
I come baring gifts.
VastaKustutaSeeing as I love this fic so much, I decided it needed a TVTropes page.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/TheSonOfTheEmperor
Now being a begginer in this whole trope buisness, I would appriciate if someone has any suggestions on what tropes to through in.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@ABitOfWeather
VastaKustutaHO. LY. SCHIESSE.
Dear god, I cannot begin to tell you how amazed and happy I am to see this receive its own page on TvTropes... Oh yes I can actually, very much so, very very much so!
Seriously, thanks a bunch. It looks very good so far, and well presented as well! That you did this means a lot to me, as it was always an aspiration just to get put on the recommendations page, but for someone to actually put the effort into making a page for it? Wow. Thank you, and thanks again to all the readers for their excellent words!
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaNow, we can't let other fics hog all the fun, can we. :) But seriously, you deserve it.
BTW, I loved the little Caligula reference in chapter 2, it was one of those moments where you chuckle and think "that was clever".
Also, If you've seen that I've written a trope wrongly bring it to my attention so I can change it. I'm trying to write it all somewhat vaguely so I don't spoil to much and it's quite possible that mistakes will get through. Being the author you have a higher authority on what right and what isn't.
VastaKustutaYou know, I've just realized something. If ponies grow to the size of horses, than Celestia must one very big alicorn.
@ABitOfWeather
VastaKustutaDude, words cannot describe how thankful I am towards you for this. It really does mean a lot to me.
I don't really mind about idle speculation, but do try to keep some divisive tropes or speculation in the YMMV pages and WMG/Discussion pages as per TvTropes guidelines. Otherwise I don't mind the level of spoilers put in troops, so long as they're put in, well, spoilers. The site should have a decent page to explain their tagging system to make spoilers.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaOk, I'll keep that in mind.
Sweet, other people have edited it. All is going according to plan. *Gendo pose*
@ABitOfWeather
VastaKustutaYes, yes. *Does said pose as well*
How is the new chapter going?
VastaKustuta@ABitOfWeather
VastaKustutaShould be done either today or tomorrow.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaAwesome!
4th chapter done and submitted (After a horrendous display of linking failure on my part). Now to wait.
VastaKustutaWoohoo, a new chapter!
VastaKustutaAwesome. As usual.
VastaKustutaI'll admit, I didn't *really* read the first chapter when this first came out. I skimmed it. Blame the ADD. Reading it now, yikes. Twilight arrived on a slave ship? Middle Passage? Yeah, this negro missed that detail. Asshole ponies helping to enslave their own kind? Eeeeeeeeeeeyup....
VastaKustutaGood lord that's Grimdark. Poor, poor Twilight. ;_; Might as well stick Fluttershy in the Warsaw Ghetto...
@Antiguo
Is it now? Funny, I recall a time where humans where bastards that enslaved...wait for it...humans. Thankfully those days are over. (HA)
LOL @ standards of realism in fanfiction about magical talking ponies. MST3K mantra, anypony?
@mycutiemarkisagun
VastaKustutaWell don't worry, it gets better. Honestly I'm kind of beating myself up over how dark I made the first chapter, seeing as it gives off the wrong vibe entirely and will almost certainly drive people off. Ah well, might as well live with it. Be assured my negro friend, things aren't always as dark as they appear.
MST3K mantra indeed will have to be held up for certain things, though hopefully you will intend to call me out when I am being a twat good sir.
Nice long chapter. Decent character development on Charles' part. and 'TAVI!
VastaKustutaOkay, that last sentence? Fuck you.
VastaKustuta@Torg
VastaKustutaTrololololololol. :P
Ah now if Octavia could just meet Chopin and-
VastaKustutaWait. Accidentally Invade the Ottoman Empire??? As Pass of the AH Sublime Porte I must draw protest!!
-King of Malta
@Tomb
VastaKustutaTHE King of Malta? Oh, excellent to see you good sir, I was just talking about your pony ASB timeline in chat a while ago. Nice to see you here.
As (unofficial) head of the AH gateway to the second Rome, I must discard your protest. :P
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaYou're enjoying this, aren't you?
@Apollo
VastaKustutaMebbe.
Yes yes The King of Malta, the Son of Tengri, Member of the Pre-Columbian Triumvirate, Pasha of the Neo Ottomans, Author of Many Unfinished TLs and Holy Emperor of the Ponies Lost in the Sea of AH.
VastaKustutaI've been keeping folks updates about this in the thread we have going and even put my Equestria Pacific Kindom on Fimfiction.
@Tomb
VastaKustutaWow, I didn't even know there was a ponies thread on Alt history. That's pretty cool! I checked it out, and wow, I'm amazed at the positive responses I've seen. Thank you so much for getting more people into this, you're great. I love your timeline as well, though I don't comment on the site that much, so forgive me for not saying it there.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaWhy the apology? You're talking to Mr. Grimdark here. Twilight seeing ponies chained together and kicked off the side of a boat FOR TEH SAKE OF ALMIGHTY PROFITS makes me feel tingly.
My Historically Knowledgeable & Mercilessly Snarky Chapter 3 Reax:
VastaKustuta- Ponies are the size of horses? Yikes, Tia must look like a Final Boss in this universe.
- OH GOD, EQUESTRIA BORDERS THE U.S.A. DON'T SIGN ANY TREATIES CELESTIA, DON'T FUCKING DO IT, ITS ALL LIES, THEY'LL HAVE YOU ALL ON SHITTY RESERVATIONS IN 100 YEARS
- "I bet they won't forget that anytime soon.” XD hey, remember when NeoConservatives were so butthurt about France opposing the War in Iraq (bcuz Chirac had secret oil deals w/ Saddam, but whatever) that a bunch of them wrote a book about American-Franco relations titled "Our Oldest Enemy"? Ah, the early 2000s. What a time.
- "it works theoretically, but in practice it is a failure” Like Communism! Or Marriage!
- For the record, my favorite fictional "merits of democracy" discussion is Anakin & Padme's in Episode 2. "Then someone should MAKE them agree!"
- "The rule of many leads to the rule of idiocy." That's not tr- *looks @ Billboard pop charts* ...withdrawn.
- "eventually someone with enough power will take autocratic rule-" ...like that damn Kenyan OBAMA.
- "or the country will descend into anarchy" ...like America under that damn Kenyan OBAMA.
- "Every nation needs a man who is basically a King. Someone the people will want, no need to treat as if he was a God. They obey him, worship him, he would be practically a deity. Because the people want Kings and Dictators, not freedom." IMPERIAL PRESIDENCY ON LINE 1. (Oh sure, I could've just turned that into another Obama joke, but I remember when ya'll Conservatives were hugging the Patriot Act and drooling over pics like this - http://tinyurl.com/72v5ndf)
- "would be awful enough, or hypocritical enough to actually betray such principals, to destroy what seems like a beautiful system” whelp, they're sure awful enough in GERMANY...
- Love the opposite worldviews of Twilight/Charles. This is eventually gonna turn into a Avon Barksdale/Stringer Bell thing, isn't it? "WHAT, ‘CAUSE I DON’T SHOOT UP A BLOCK INDISCRIMINATE, I AIN’T HARD ENOUGH? BECAUSE I *THINK*...BEFORE I SNATCH A LIFE, I AIN’T INTO THIS BULLSHIT?"
- *just notices size of scroll bar* motherFUCK this is long! Is NoMoreSanity related to Kkat or something?
- Ah. Magical shield. So that's how Celestia kept her ponies safe from Manifest Destiny. Of course you'd need a magical shield to halt THE GREAT SATAN's (PRAISE BE TO AYATOLLAH KHAMEINI THE 13TH HIDDEN IMAM AND THE MAHDI) insatiable bloodlust. Very cool concept.
- America without Callyforneeya. Good news, Conservatives! ^_^ ....BUT WE DON'T HAVE VEGAS ಠ_ಠ
- BTW escaped slaves are *SO* wanting a part of Equestria, fuck the extra couple thousand miles. I can already hear the Negro Spirituals now: "♫Goooo, to the horses child....♫"
My Historically Knowledgeable & Mercilessly Snarky Chapter 3 Reax PART DEUX:
VastaKustuta- So....they share the same bed? *Counselor Troi voice* "Captain, I sense.......bestiality." But no seriously, let a growing boy bunk w/ Twilight Sparkle and watch what happens. Sheeeeit, let half of the visitors to this website bunk w/ Twilight Sparkle and watch what happens lol.
- OMFG, how long is this thing - *does wordcount* 25,000 FUCKING WORDS?!?!?!?!? DAAAAAAAAAAAAYUM CHILD
- I really hope "DON'T INVADE RUSSIA" is part of that military education Charles is getting.
- "it had fascinated him with an intrigue she had not yet seen from the prince, save in the arts of war." Because he sees the endless military applications for MOTHERFUCKING TELEPORTATION you dolt. Oh man, Europe had better prepare its ass for some serious pwnage in a few...
- "Auf Wiedersehen" You know how I first learned to pronounce that? Wolfenstein 3D, Episode 3, Cyborg Hitler final boss. I'm such a cultured son of a bitch.
- Oh BELEE DAT ish, Twi. Napoleon was real, girlfriend.
- Rarity exists! So the Mane 6 is scattered across Europe, Twi slowly meets them, assembles the Elements, uses them to usher in Franco-Germanic hegemony by rainbow nuking a few European capitals. The End. There, I just called the rest of the fanfic, write it down.
- oh snap, he gave 'em the Ivan Drago threat! Go Charles! Go Charles!
- Yeah you should be scared, bruh. That lil muh' is gon be marching Unicorn shock troops down the Champ de Mars someday.
- One of these days, the Blueblood is gonna say the wrong thing to the wrong unicorn in the wrong universe........
- Oh Twi you'd better cut that LilPip emo angst shit out right the fuck now. RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. YOU'VE GOT COUNTRIES TO FORCIBLY ANNEX, SILLY FILLY. We can't have you staring off into space at the sight of a corpse-strewn battlefield when your officers are trying to ask you for orders. Be Ruthless!
- Yeah, sure Twi, there won't be any armed conflict between European powers anytime soon LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO-
- Easy Chuck, she's probably related to you.....although the way European Royal lines work.....fuck it. Forget I said anything, go for the gold. And by gold, I mean p-u-s-s-y.
- Okay, she's engaged to marry an Archduke, but she's dissing the shit outta her fiance. GREEN LIGHT BRAVO TEAM, GREEN LIGHT
- Oh word, she's straight THROWING the pussy at him. Remember Chris Rock's advice: KEEP UR MOUTH SHUT, DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO FUCK IT UP
- “And you would ask what of me?” ummmmmmmmmmm cunnilingus?
- “Whatever you wish. I am an experienced woman after all" translation: "I SUCK A MEAN DICK"
- fuck finding Twilight; TIME 2 GET LAID BRB
- wowzers, Twilight met A PAINTED MAN! (lol I loved that Robin Hood)
- "especially with the growing subversive elements among the minorities in the state.” don't worry Kaiser, if it gets too out of control, you can just infiltrate and crush the most dangerous organizations and marginalize the rest. *COUGHCOINTELPROCOUGH* -_-
- wait, Tia still controls the sun in this universe? Mein gott. Ze Fridge Horror.
- "Charles had better be trying to find me right now" right now i think he's trying to find the right hole actually XD
- "he was not some savage tribesman from the dark continent itself, was he?" Ah! Finally, summa dat ol' time religion...
- lol 100 thalers sez Franz was underwhelmed by Sophie becuz she's not a hot lavender mare
- Yes, Twilight. Napoleon was *the* fucking man.
- “It looks as if you inherited more then one thing from your father.” ...and in this universe, Napoleon banged horses.
- Damn, Charles is just awesomely written brah. Ambition!
- Oh yes, Charles. Twi will most assuredly be Chris Partlow to your Marlo.
- Haitian Revolution fails? UP YOURS, CRACKA!
@mycutiemarkisagun
VastaKustutaOh my god sir, I am cracking up at your analysis of this. Good show, I must say! I'm tired right now, so I can't respond to all your comments, but I shall answer a few to the best of my abilities.
-I haven't read Fallout: Equestria, and as far as I know I am not related to Kkat. I'll take that as a compliment though.
-DEM OBAMAZ, TAKIN' ER JEBS!
-Opposite worldviews are the name of the game here.
-Oh god, you're comments on Sophie and Charles' portion. I am dying of laughter.
-You've certainly given me an idea on Negro's in America...
-Take what you will from their bed sharing.
-Russia will come in time.
-No comment on the rest of the Mane 6. :P
-Blueblood already hasn't?
-As far as I know Sophie isn't related to him... as far as I know. Though considering the Hapsburg family line, even her being a cousin of sorts would be better then the standard.
-Celestia controls the sun as far as Twilight knows. No further comment.
-Ah yes, I couldn't do this without some good old fashioned racism, right?
-In hindsight I perhaps should have realized that the shipping jokes would commence. Ah well, might as well ride with the tide as it were.
-I'm pretty sure Napoleon did not fuck horses in this universe. Catherine the Great though...
-Eh, honestly I don't care for Haiti as an independent nation. I darest not speak further, as some of my opinions on colonialism and whatnot are... controversial to say the least. They will not infect this story though, rest assured.
-Just to ask, who is Chris Partlow?
Thanks again for the hilarious comments. Can't wait to see more from you!
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustuta"-Just to ask, who is Chris Partlow?"
He's a character from the series The Wire and best friend and second in command to the leader of a drug gang that's gaining power in Baltimore.
Though, It's been quite some time since I've seen the series, so I can't really explaing why mycutiemarkisagun is comapring Twilight to him.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustuta"-I'm pretty sure Napoleon did not fuck horses in this universe. Catherine the Great though..."
Pics or GTFO.
@DPV111
VastaKustutaI kid, I kid. :P
@Minalkra
VastaKustuta"ponies are not horses. i've always seen ponies as more large-dog-sized. human equivalent in body mass, but that's just my own personal desires. i, i can't think of them much larger without really being reminded they are, though, and often. sorry ..."
Well, ponies like any horse can range in any size, from the small ones to the big ones that could be easily mistaken for horses. On the other hand in Polo all horses, regardless of breed or size, are referred to as "polo ponies". There is actually some debate as to what is a pony. Sure, it's easy to look at a Shetland Pony and say "that's a pony", but what about one that near the size of a regular horse? So it's not that big of stretch to have a story refer to full grown horses as ponies. Especially when we add a few other details, like this being essentially a fantasy universe that's also alternate history for the real world and for the MLP verse (while we're at MLP we've hardly had a chance to compare their size to a human, for all we know they might be big enough to be ridden). Not to mention that the ponies are capable of speech. For all we know that's how they've called themselves instead of us giving the name.
@Smartass
VastaKustuta*Sees this amazingly detailed explanation he never thought of*
Sure, let's, uh, go with that. I TOTALLY THOUGHT OF THAT FIRST THOUGH! *RUNS*
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaOh NMS, don't be silly, both of us know I'm one of your split personalities, so indirectly you did think this up. :D
To continue my explination that NoMoreSanity totally thought up first and did not at all steal from me (I kid, I kid :D ), I'd mention the Icelandic Horse. Depending on who you ask it's either a pony or a horse. It's actually not that big, and it would be easy to assume it's a pony, yet those who breed and ride them say it's a horse. Another amusing example is a breed from the balkans called the balkan mountan horse or Bosnian Pony (which is it's official name, if I'm not mistaken). Yet, from the pictures I've seen, it looks like a typical horse to me and from what I understand it's a strong and tough breed used for carrying weight, pulling and riding. The Connemara from Ireland is also a good example, it's also a pony, but still looks like a typical horse.
VastaKustutaI'll shut up now. This imaybe Equestria Daily, but I'm veering of into a very different type of equestrianism. :D
@Smartass*Poker face*
VastaKustutaYes, yes, that makes sense to me, person who thought it first...
Also, sorry to everyone for the delay in the next chapter. I just had trimester finals, so studying was a bitch, and we've got some new tests coming up soon as well. In a couple of days though I'm on winter break, so don't worry! I'm sorry if I seem lazy, and well, I am, but it'll be up soon (For a relative version of soon anyway... God I'm lazy).
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaEh, take your time, we're not in a hurry (well I'm not, can't speak for the rest of them).
@Smartass
VastaKustutaWell that's good. If anyone actually does want to murder me though, please remember one simple rule: NOT IN THE FACE!
It updated! wow its been a long time. I'll have to read this tomorrow.
VastaKustutayou're going to have franz die of consumption aren't you
VastaKustutaThe Son of the Emperor and Our First Steps in the same update? It truly is the season to be jolly!
VastaKustutaSo, was Princess Luna never banished? Has she already returned?
VastaKustuta@God
VastaKustutaYou're God. You tell me.
Awesome chapter. Things are getting more interesting. I really want to know if Twilight will be Charles' mount or if he will ride a trained soldier during maneuvers.
VastaKustutaEDITING! (Woah nelly)
""It had turned into a deadly stalemate,""
---"had" should be "has"
""Pressing harder and harder on the hilt on here and on the hilt of his sword""
---I thought this was fixed earlier? remove "on here and on the hilt"
""transferring enough of her attention just enough so""
---sounds awkward. I'd remove the 2nd "enough"
""push his opponents own back further""
---"opponents" should be "opponent's" also I'd remove the "own" it sounds stilted.
""knocking the sword right out of its lone position in the air, sending it twirling in the air, and straight to the ground.""
--- not sure what "lone position" refers to mechanicaly. "also to avoid repetition, may want to change the first "in the air" to "airborne". Or alternately just say "...twirling straight to the ground." in the 2nd half.
""Twilight looked at the tossed sword with an annoyed look""
---again to avoid repetition, may want to change "an annoyed look" to "annoyance".
""who had caught some glimpses of their fights on visits their.""
---2nd "their" should be "there".
"'careful to avoid, the floating book right in front of her""
---remove the comma
""Me, and you, are""
---either remove commas or replace "me" with "Myself".
""And I would stranded surely as well,""
--- there seems to be a "be" missing here eithher before "stranded" or after "well".
""drawing him into a big hug.""
---D'awwwww. But the blunt language mixed in with the flowery prose surrounding it is a bit jarring. You could leave it or change it.
""he enjoyed, neigh, loved talking with him.""
---was "neigh" instead of "nay" intentional or are you watching too much pony?
""Putting his book down next to him, he rose from his position on the bench,""
---Um... he already did that 3 paragraphs ago. See: ""Shaking his head in bemusement, Charles lowered his book, setting it on his bench before rising to meet the Major at least relatively eye-to-eye.""
""The major colt gritted his teeth at the accusation.""
---"major colt"? I'd remove "colt" or put it before "major".
""That I have prepared for as long as I know you ""
---"I know you" should be "I have known you"
""breath still shaken from the long travel, for her at least, here.""
"for her at least, here" makes no sense. Also missing space after period.
""More than a few took were amazed ""
VastaKustuta---"took" should be "looks"
""had it good in so areas of life""
---"so" should be "some"
""thrown to him a silver platter""
---"a" should be "on a"
""wilight was starting to get just a bit, but she couldn’t""
Just a bit what?
""Not before a little dirty brown-haired went up to""
---Dirty brown-haired what?
""causing the mare to nuzzle before she departed.""
--causing the mare to nuzzle "her"...
""Charles reached a hand into one of the saddlebags at Twilight’s frisking inside for a few moments to try and find something.""
---0_o I think there should be a "side" after "Twilight's"
""behaving like filly the met so long ago"'
---double space after behaving and should be "the filly he met"
""he men and mares I shall lead now""
---should be "men and ponies" they're not all mares.
Please accept this (retired) history teacher's thanks for your effort and hopes that it inspires more counterfactual history crossover fics.
VastaKustutaYour allusions to the Royal Navy's Anti-Slavery Patrol were appreciated. And I gotta say this is the first time I’ve ever seen Metternich mentioned in a fanfic.
I’ve just finished your second chapter and it reminds me irrepressibly of the scene in the anime Legend of the Galactic Heroes (a.k.a. Boring Hapsburgs in Spaaaaaaace!!!!) where Reinhard von Lohengramm asks Siegfried Kircheis to join him in his life's ambition to overthrow the Kaiser and seize the universe.
@Ashrubanipa's_Lion
VastaKustutaWow, to get that praise from a history teacher means a lot to me. Thanks!
I have never heard this anime you speak of, but it sounds both awful and interesting at the same time. I'll have to look it up sometime. Thanks again though!
@DPV111
Oh mein gott, where would I be without you DPV? Most likely stabbing myself. I am astonished as to how I let some of these pasts. I blame me being a lazy fuck and tiredness, but anyway, thanks a bunch.
To answer some of your questions, Twilight will be ridden, neigh was intentional, and I worded that awkward part better. Thanks though. I was also wondering if I could have your gmail, so I could contact you before I release new chapters, seeing how good you are and all.
I just wanted to thank you for writing this story, NoMoreSanity. I really enjoy it. I humbly bring you some fanart. It's nothing amazing at all, but I wanted to show my appreciation.
VastaKustutahttps://picasaweb.google.com/107607515571765156225/TheSonOfTheEmperor?authuser=0&feat=directlink
@Sovwi
VastaKustutahttp://youtu.be/P3ALwKeSEYs
Also, NoMoreSanity, I'll PM it to you on DA.
@Sovwi
VastaKustutaWelp, I want to marry you now, you magnificent bastard. Seriously, this is awesome. My reaction mirrors DVP's.
@Sovwi
VastaKustutaThis. This so much.
I really like how you drew Twilight. It fits.
She looks sort of realistic, but isn't to far from her original cartoon self, so it's easy to tell it's her.
I hope that makes sense.
It's actually not far from how I imagine the ponies look like in the story.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaYes, please, marry me. I'm happy you liked it, because I'll probably make more.
Many thanks to DVP and Apollo too, I really appreciate it.
@Sovwi
VastaKustutaOh god, if you're going to make more of these, that only makes me want to write more. Just on the chance to see some more of this amazing art. Seriously guy, my boner is twelve different kinds of excite right now.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaOk, now you're just flattering me. (And yes, it's working.) You just keep writing. You've done a great job this far. We all want to find out what happens next. You'll get more fanart, from others as well as from me.
I read this today for Christmas. It was one of the better presents I've gotten today. :D
VastaKustuta@Sovwi
VastaKustutaAnd you're flattering me with such high praise and possibilities!
@Cedric Bale
Glad to hear it!
@ NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaI check you to nine decimal places on your September 19, 2011 3:35 PM comment about lazy AH writers having Nazis in power no matter what else happens. That party wouldn’t have had a chance without the bare minimum condition of a devastating depression following a humiliating ending to the Great War.
Another AH pet peeve is the meme that Nazi Germany inevitably looses WWII. I once saw a counterfactual exercise by prestigious professors where the Nazis take Moscow in 1942 and the Red Army still steamrolls Berlin scant years later. As if the Russians could logistically support a modern army without the railroad nexus in Moscow (Having already lost Kiev and Smolensk). How would they get fuel to their vehicles and food to their troops without interior lines and railroad transportation?
Right now Harry Turtledove is in the midst of a series where Hitler got his 1938 war with Czechoslovakia, destroyed the Skoda Arms Works, never got those mountains of raw materiel and oceans of oil from Stalin, and still somehow was able to fight France, England and Russia without having the Wehrmacht run out of supplies.
Yes, Nazis sell (Just ask any Marvel Comics editor what they put on a cover of a comic title with lagging sales if Wolverine or Doctor Doom is not available) but it’d be nice to pay at least a little attention to little things like transportation or logistics.
So I’m happy to see your lack of intellectual laziness. Rather quite the contrary. Bravo!
- Ashurbanipal’s Lion
@Ashrubanipa's_Lion
VastaKustutaTrue, the main problem I have with Nazi victory scenarios though is just how the fuck would they take Moscow. Even if they did, there supply lines were so fast, and the Russian resistance growing much harder by the day, along with heavy pressure from Allied bombing, they were pretty much fucked anyway. There was an excellent timeline on Alternatehistory.com though that was a simply excellent timeline on the subject. The Anglo/America-Nazi War. I recommend looking it up, it's fantastic.
I've never read Turtledove's books, but I've heard things about him, some of them good, some of them bad. The plausibility of his events leaves something to desire (Nazi Germany conquering Asia all the way to India for example In the Presence of Mine Enemies) but he writes well I hear, and sells decently enough. It's a shame when he an Newt fucking Gingrich though are our main sources of actual alternate history fiction. There really needs to be some sort of resurgence in the genre.
Asking any comics publisher to care a shit about logistics and whatnot is like asking them to actually keep a plausible canon. i.e impossible.
Thank you for your praise. I hope later chapters continue to please you so.
@ NoMoreSanity December 26, 2011 8:57 AM
VastaKustutaI don’t expect comic book publishers to care about logistics – only that putting Nazis on the cover sells more copies. Its peeps like Harry Turtledove and John Ringo who should pay attention to lines of supplies and such sort stuff.
The Nazis might have taken Moscow in 1941. The German General staff, looking at Charles XII’s Swedish invasion during the Great Northern War and Napoleon’s a century later, realized they had to pin the Red Army in place and kill it. They knew the only place the Red Army would stand and fight – and thus could be destroyed – was at Moscow’s gates. Unfortunately for them, Hitler was alarmed at the slower progress of Army Groups North and South. And WWI infantryman that he was, the Fuhrer saw the bulge toward Moscow not as opportunity, but as risk. Halting Army Group center over the staff’s objections, he parceled its armored and mechanized assets to the north and south flanks in a desire for a broad front advance – giving Moscow’s population time to dig trenches and Zhukov time to concentrate and resupply his troops at the approaches to Moscow.
Also please remember that as Hanz von Luck’s panzers were sighting the steeples of Moscow amid the early snowfall; that multitudinous fresh, well-supplied troops were arriving by the trans-Siberian railroad on the other side of the city.
Had Hitler not halted Army Group Center’s advance, it would have hit an unfortified Moscow before all those fresh troops have embarked from the far east.
That’s how the Nazi’s could have taken Moscow and cut Russia’s rail lines.
Game over.
Or so the German General staff supposed.
My uncle Bud was in Berlin for the big conference at war’s end, body guarding State Department officials and developing his lifelong hatred of Russians and their paranoia. He always said that most German Generals blamed their loss on Hitler's halt orders during the drive on Moscow and at Dunkirk.
Allied bombing in 1941 was not what it was in later years.
- Ashurbanipal’s Lion
Eric Flint's not a bad AH author. Unlike all too many of them he doesn't obsess over Sparta, the Confederate States and Nazi Germany. He's got an AH version of the Trail of Tears which nailed Sam Huston spot-on. Here are sample chapters from the first installment: 1812: The Rivers of War
VastaKustutahttp://www.webscription.net/p-588-1812-the-rivers-of-war.aspx
The AH I've enjoyed most in recent years is actually SF more than AH - the 1632 shared universe created by Eric Flint and published by Baen books.
A West Virginian coal mining town from the year 2000 gets plopped down into the middle of the Thirty Years War just before Gustavus Adolphus wins the battle of Breitenfeld.
The first book can be read here
http://www.baen.com/library/0671319728/0671319728.htm
on Baen Books' free library
http://www.baen.com/library/
Gotta go, see you later!
- Ashurbanipal’s Lion
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustuta@ NoMoreSanity December 24, 2011 4:30 PM
You are most welcome, but this former history teacher’s praise is no more than your work deserves.
Ginga Eiyu Densetsu a.k.a. Heldensagen vom Kosmosinself a.k.a. Legend of the Galactic Heroes a.k.a. LoGH is the story of the dramatic conclusion of a long war between two corrupt interstellar powers when a history-changing hero arises on each side. One is a laid-back history geek with a George S Patton-esque knowledge of historical battle tactics, while the other is a brilliant military genius who bears much in common, physically and temperamentally, with your depiction of the Eaglet.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legend_of_the_Galactic_Heroes
http://www.logh.net/minglogh/LoGH.html
http://www.colonydrop.com/index.php/2009/06/04/area-88-legend-of-the-galactic-heroes?blog=1
http://www.logh.net/minglogh/LGHmap2.jpg
One thing the wiki gets wrong is assuming Tanaka based the Galactic Empire of his novels on the court of 19th century Prussia. Aesthetics aside, the Galactic Empire’s high nobles’ reaction to Reinhard’s battlefield successes resembles the Hapsburg court’s treatment of Prince Eugene of Savoy more than anything you’d see in a Hohenzollern court.
LoGH is very much a talking-heads anime. I couldn’t get anyone to watch it at video rooms at SF or wargaming conventions until it was subtitled… then you could hear a pin drop. Especially during a space battle between E. E. Doc Smith-sized fleets set to
Maurice Ravel’s Boléro.
http://www.centralanime.net/index2.html
http://anilinkz.com/series/legend-of-the-galactic-heroes/page-6
Start with the 1988 pilot movie, “My Conquest of the Sea of Stars”, then the film, “Overture to a New War”, then the main series, then the gaiden (Side stories).
I can’t think of an anime series more suited to history fans.
- Ashurbanipal’s Lion
@Ashrubanipa's_Lion
VastaKustutaWelp, that's a lot, but to summarize, I heard Eric Flint's good as well. I'll look at that anime when I have the time, thanks for the links, already bookmarked. And thanks again for all your help and kind words, it's really appreciated.
You are most welcome.
VastaKustutaHave a good night.
This chapter was simply amazing; I'm not sure I have the words to describe how much this means to me. Thank you so much. Charles was sublime, Twilight was fantastic, and I absolutely LOVE your characterization of Széchenyi. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Charles emerge as a leader at the end.
VastaKustutaI was taking notes - compiling minor things worth mentioning for the sake of editing - but my computer died and ate most of these. I'll have to read back over it this evening. Such a great story deserves a second read anyway.
Being a nitpicky bastard, there were a couple of very minor factual issues that I noticed:
1) Wien and Pest-Buda are both far north of Croatia; any non-germanic, non-magyar villages between them would most likely have been Slovak and not Slovene or Croatian.
2) The capital of Hungary was moved from Buda to Pozsony (present-day Bratislava) in 1536 due to the Ottoman occupation of Hungary. Although the Ottomans were driven out by 1700, the capital wasn't moved back to Pest-Buda until 1848. (I had no idea; see, even now your writing is making me learn more about history.)
Thanks again! Additional comments and editing issues to follow this evening.
Regards,
Andrew M.
Hmm...
VastaKustuta"...But then, while he was getting really ill, a shy hermit cured him of his ills, and he got all better!”
...Fluttershy? Could Fluttershy be the Hermit of Macedonia?
@Gakumerasara
VastaKustutaThanks! That's very interesting, and thank you for your comments, I'll be sure to fix that. Though if I want to handwave that, we could just say that went through Croatia a bit, because, uh... reasons. And Buda-Pest we could say is still the 'cultural' capital of Hungary. The status of Bratislava though was very interesting to learn; glad to know it now! Once again, thanks.
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustuta"Though if I want to handwave that, we could just say that went through Croatia a bit, because, uh... reasons."
http://i.imgur.com/QM7ot.jpg
@Apollo
VastaKustutaSURE LET'S GO WITH THAT!
This is a really well-written, gripping and impactful story, but it is tragically peppered with grammatical errors, the most widespread being the use of "then" where "than" would be correct. This issue shows up infuriatingly often: the most recent chapter I have read so far is chapter 4 and of 79 uses of the word "then", only 38 (if I have counted right, I might have dropped a 5 somewhere in which case it would be 33) are appropriate. In all other cases, "than" is correct. I also notice that you use the word "than" just four times in the piece (all of which are correct).
VastaKustutaPlease please please, in future chapters just do a search on the word "then". Check each instance - it should only take half an hour if you aren't familiar with the relevant rules, less if you're the kind who sees it and winces like me, and believe me it will improve the quality of the piece immensely. Just remember: "then" means time ("until then, I shall work on a plot", "well then, if that is your wish"), while "than" is a comparison ("more striking than he already was", "less muddled than those in human society").
Actually, the comic strip at the following address is a great (non-patronizing) summary and I think it would help this fic a lot. http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling
Also, should you ever want an extra pair of eyes with a knack for spotting mistakes in the text, let me know and I would be delighted to assist in proofreading.
Grammar aside, fantastic story so far, I'm thoroughly looking forward to reading through chapter 5 and beyond.
@Whitespace Only
VastaKustutaThank you for the criticism. I have a lot of problem with then/than, even with some support, so please forgive me on that. I'm going to look that link up now.
Thank you though for the help. I don't think I'll need even more editor's now, but if you could, keep an eye out for future mistakes and inform me of them if you could. Always pointing these things out specifically helps me, as I'm kind of incompetent on my own. Also I'm dreadfully tired right now, so yeah. Thanks though, bye!
@NoMoreSanity
VastaKustutaI'd always assumed the capital was moved back shortly after the region was freed from Ottoman rule. István's book Hunnia (1834) “advocated the extension and beautifying of Budapest so as to make it the worthy capital of a future great power.” By 1828, it would have been a bustling city - also important from a military standpoint as an important river crossing, even long before completion of the chain bridge - so I think it fits the story in that sense.
I'm sorry for the delay in posting this; I had a lot of things come up in the past couple of days. This covers everything through leaving Rauchenwarth. I had some additional comments I'm not going to post just yet, and I still need to read over the last 40% for editing reasons. I hope to finish some time this weekend.
**********
The first two paragraphs were a little bit more confusing than they needed to be; especially where a masculine 3rd person singular is used to describe both fencers. Since you're already using 2nd person for Charles, I'd recommend making all references to Charles 2nd person (i.e. thinking to himself) and using an implied neutral 3rd person for Twilight. 3rd/plural sounds really awkward here.
they’re backing off >> he's backing off / the opponent backs off
guessing his movements >> guessing your movements
His eyes turn into thin slits >> Your eyes tun into thin slits
opponent diverted some of their attention >> opponent diverted some attention
etc.
while concentration and sheer power were on his opponents side.
- sheer power >> force of will (?)
His opponents attentions
>> opponent's
yet it was not enough now
>> yet it was too late // due to overuse of “enough” in this paragraph
amazed at Twilight’s abilities in actually her keeping up the sword
>> actually keeping
Now it was he that had a scowl on his face.
- that >> who
Charles rolled her eyes at her concerns,
>> his eyes
Me and you are both ambitious people
>> You and I (?)
in each others arms
- seems awkward due to pony
but even when he had learned all he needed about his father’s glory days, Charles still demanded to hear his version of things, to hear his words.
- ambiguous pronouns in this paragraph
Charles gave him a blank look, to which Antoine sighed. “Okay, I can see you doing that,” he admitted, “but please say otherwise!”
- just wanted to say I really like this line :D
rightful position within the military a foolish endeavour
>> endeavor
has never the experience of leading others
- not sure if this is intentional; I like the formal sound of it, personally
she could only read about till now
>> 'til
This means more to me then you could know.
>> than
Twilight checked off yet another item on the list in hovering in front of her.
>> list hovering
someone stepped a careless step
>> stepped carelessly (?)
spicing her day up
>> spicing up her day (?)
Some might say she was obsessive in her cataloguing.
VastaKustuta>> cataloging
That meant dainty carriage,
>> meant a dainty
Just total, deliberate ignorance of the others presence.
>> each other's
Trotting closer to him, she stopped when pushed himself off the column
>> when he pushed himself
“You fill me confidence Charles,” Twilight replied flatly.
>> with confidence
A displeased frown found its way on the mans lips as glared at Twilight’s backside,
>> as he glared
I am afraid I will not be able to be on this vehicle then.
- be able to be >> consider revising
Rauchenwörth
- unable to find any references to this spelling >> Rauchenwarth
And till then, we’ll be on our way
>> 'til
Around thirty minutes later
- Twilight is apparently a thoroughbred, galloping at 40mph :o
Not every place as the fortune of being
> has the fortune
the poor state either the people or this towns official have allowed it to degragate too.
>> town's; degrade
more of the nobles precious time
>> nobles'
Not everyone has the same opportunities you
> as you
her look along practically demanding
- along >> alone
Now, this was starting to bother he.
- he >> her
blushing a bright blush as a thought came to mind
- consider revising
Well, more that I act too much like the hermit of Macedonia
- I can't wait to see the hermit ... Hermitshy :D
Maire was very embarrassed
>> Marie
“I eat. Yesterday,”
- not sure if this is intentional, otherwise >> ate
before putting her patting hand on the tip of the girls mouth
- hand >> hoof
popped out of trees, bush’s, etcetera, and
>> et cetera
to the side of the inn the clerk had told him Twilight inhabited
- inn >> stable (?)
eyeing the girl as she at last left.
>> eying
He leaned over the sunken mares body
>> mare's
to prove myself not so fancified-fop
- so >> some
@Gakumerasara
VastaKustutaThanks! I got all those corrections done now, and I gotta say, how the fuck did I miss all of that? God, this is yet another reason I drink. On the speed of Twilight thing, I honestly know fuck all about horse speeds, so forgive me on that. The few sources I checked were unhelpful, and trying to understand how far a fictional purple unicorn would travel is a futile endeavor to me. If you have any ideas though, do tell, I'll edit the times or data if it's unreasonable.
Anyway, thanks again for all the help. My incompetence is vast, so I can only imagine the pain in trying to sort through my tripe.
Wow.
VastaKustutaI missed a LOT.
I bow to your skill.
@DPV111
VastaKustutaBah, you flatter me to much. I'm just glad I finally got through all the boring shit of the last few chapters, in order to build up the story. Now however, we're getting into the good stuff.
@DPV111
VastaKustuta(I just realized this) Unless you're talking to Gakumareasan. In which case, hells yeah you missed a lot. Go to your room, you get no supper tonight. I'm giving it to the nice Hungarian fellow.
Eh, screw you. I have Marquis de Villard in my room, na zdravie.
VastaKustuta@DPV111
VastaKustutaWell now you have nothing. See? I just took it. All of it.
Eh... Well I guess that's OK. I need to work in 5 hours anyway... bleh.
VastaKustutaDPV111That's good. Accept your sadness, and Death will come with no pity. None.
VastaKustutaI was going to say something clever and dark but couldn't decise if I should quote Mein Teil or Spieluhr.
VastaKustuta@DPV111Both.
VastaKustuta*Shrug*
VastaKustutaEin Schrei wird zum Himmel fahren
Schneidet sich durch Engelsscharen
Vom Wolkendach fällt Federfleisch
auf meine Kindheit mit Gekreisch
-
Hoppe hoppe Reiter
mein Herz schlägt nicht mehr weiter
--------------------------------
A cry will ascend to heaven
It will cut through hosts of angels
Feather-flesh will shriekingly fall
from the top of the clouds onto my childhood
-
Up and down, rider
my heart does not beat anymore
Holy crap I just realised! Twilight's birthday is the same as mine! O.o
VastaKustuta