[Normal][Adventure]
Author: CouchCrusader
Description: As fires from the dragon lands threaten the Everfree Forest, theA Fire on the East (All Links) (New Part 5!!)
Elements of Harmony must find a way to stop them. In particular, one
pegasus uncovers a talent she never thought possible, and must
reconcile it with her life's calling.
A Fire on the East Part 5 (Alternate)
Additional Tags: Long, Originwank, Latent Talent, Dreams, Fireshy!?
40 comments:
NoLlama is first this time!
ReplyDeleteseems very interesting I'll have to give it a read tonight.
ReplyDeleteIt's alright. I like the idea of Fireshy and hope that this is expanded upon.
ReplyDeleteGood descriptive language, nice variety of diction too. You've got a strong writing style and I see a lot of potential here. :)
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ReplyDeleteHmmm...let's see.
ReplyDeleteIt's NOT labeled sad. This is good, as it could easily be one with such a scenario.
It IS labeled adventure, which makes me wonder how this is going to go.
Lingering on her thought process at the end there seemed a bit...I dunno....forced? Like there was no need to make that declamatory bit about going to see Twilight.
Aaaaah, good story. Want to KNOW.
ReplyDeleteI am very intrigued. In fact, even putting aside my bias towards anything Fluttershy, I am very interested to see where this goes.
ReplyDeleteFireshy?! AWESOME! Can't wait for chapter three! Magical Trevor tips his hat to you!
ReplyDelete~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
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ReplyDeleteRead the first three chapters while sifting through errors in FO3Edit, I must say that this has started off very strongly. I am looking forward to the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteThere were a few grammatical errors and a few words used in the wrong tense, but beyond that the writing is solid, and the beginning of this story is very interesting. I don't think Fluttershy's past has been explored near enough, so it's nice to see a story doing just that.
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ReplyDeleteHey guys! Author here. Thanks for swinging by to read my story. Please let me know if there's anything I need to address. Let me know if it's too slow or boring, yada yada. I'm not here to waste everypony's time with bad fiction.
ReplyDeleteYour support means the world to me. Thanks for everything.
Ouch. Dove from 4.7 to 4.4 with this one chapter alone. Clearly, this didn't go over as well as I'd hoped with some ponies.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are that I'm either taking too long to get everypony going on their adventure, or else I indulged too much in Celestia's past and the nullstones. Headcanon ahoy! Let me know what made you guys "meh" here.
It looks good so far. The only complaint I have is IT'S NOT DONE YETTTTT.
ReplyDeleteAdditional Tags: Long, Originwank
ReplyDeleteO_O.. WAT
If every chapter keeps doubling the awesome of the previous we will reach critical mass in 3 chapters.
ReplyDeleteI don't care.
She can't take it Cap'n.
JUST DOOO IIIIIT!
Dat new cover image. Gonna read this now.
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ReplyDeleteCould use a little editing in parts (less confusion/telling, more descriptive language) but otherwise quite good.
ReplyDeleteYou also seem to mix past/present tense a fair amount which can cause a slight jarring effect adding to confusion or a feeling of rushed pacing.
Trevor is so VERY confused... Where exactly is Firewithers or whatever located? One thought that it was a Pegasus city. When did Fluttershy get into the Everfree forest, and why was she there? NOTHING made any sense after Fluttershy went to sleep. If that ENTIRE thing was a dream, it needs better explanation. There's just too much... It's WAY too confusing. One even re-read it to try to wrestle some sense from it, but it still makes no sense. If her wing is broken, how did she fly back up to her house and fan the flames away? It just... Anyhoof, Trevor awaits the next chapter, if only so taht he can understand what the heck happened in chapter 4.
ReplyDelete~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
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ReplyDelete@Magical Trevor
ReplyDeleteYikes! Did not mean to confuse you so heartily, good sir! I thought I described Flamewithers in a little bit more detail in part 1, but I could do a lot more to make the town feel more like a pegasus settlement than generic city Q while the mane six are in it.
The Everfree segment WAS supposed to be a dream. Thanks for letting me know you were confused! I'm sure a ton of other people felt the same way, so I'm really glad you spoke up for them. Though I hate outright stating THIS WAS A DREAM, I'll see if I can go back and make the dream part a little clearer.
@Magical Trevor
ReplyDelete"Where exactly is Firewithers or whatever located?"
Flamewithers is a Pegasus outpost situated at the border of the Everfree Forrest and the Dragon Kingdom fo the express purpose of fighting the fires the dragons start.
"When did Fluttershy get into the Everfree forest, and why was she there? NOTHING made any sense after Fluttershy went to sleep. If that ENTIRE thing was a dream, it needs better explanation."
The entire story takes place up to this point over a single day.
Fluttershy's first weird dream (about being a filly and seeing Flamewithers being destroyed) was last night. The Everfree and Red Maned Mare dream was the next time she fell asleep.
Now I'm confused. I took the part in Everfree to be a dream which connected with reality. In that she woke up essentially to her house having been hit by what she saw in her dream.
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ReplyDelete@Hagil
ReplyDeleteThe author cleared it at above post. Yeah, I didn't see that first, too. D:
Still, I think we should soon consider adding the Grimdark or Gore tag after a little "incident" with today's chapter.
Grimdark? Gore? Seriously? Grimdark maybe, though it still seems firmly entrenched in Adventure. Hard to have an adventure out of it without at least some danger.
ReplyDeleteWhere are you getting gore from?
Setting a pony on fire and leaving off on a cliffhanger is probably where it starts. Though I do remember a certain bird caught fire in the show, and that wasn't ruled too scary for television.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I guess there's criticallyinjured!Celestia. >>
Still not seeing gore in it unless you're planning to leave her as a realistic fire victim complete with all kinds of squick. Celestia sounded whole to me, bandaged and ravaged by foreign magic, but whole.
ReplyDeleteThough yeah, you'll probably get Grimdark before too much longer now that I think on it.
Well, here's what Chapter 5 won't be:
ReplyDelete"The nurse drew the curtain around the cot, and turned to face the five mares behind her. No matter how many times she had given the talk, it never got any easier.
"She had third and fourth-degree burns over seventy percent of her body. The least I can tell you all is that she did not suffer."
For a few moments, there was complete silence. Then Rainbow Dash buried her face in Twilight's mane, and sobbed.
FIN"
Because, you know, that's terrible.
I yield to your superior sardonicism, sir!
ReplyDelete...
Yeah, I have nothing else to say. I probably shouldn't post it, but oh well.
@Hagil
ReplyDeleteOh, Lord -- I guess I sounded like an ass up there, didn't I? Couch was only making jokes, he promises
At any rate, I'm not in this fandom to mutilate ponies -- that's my quick definition of Grimdark, and that's not going to happen in this story. I am here to do awesome things with ponies. Incidentally, I do find myself agreeing less and less with the Normal tag, though -- things are getting a bit intense for something that's supposed to be show-toned. I guess if this story turns out Dark, I'd be okay with it.
So, thanks for reading. I really appreciate the thought you're giving this story, truly. I'd be much less interested in writing this story if I didn't have an audience, and I appreciate your time.
Actually, I found your response there quite funny with that final line. I could tell it was sarcasm / sardonically written, thus the comment.
ReplyDeleteEither way they tag it I like the premiss and I want to read more, so you're quite welcome!
... With that I think I'll leave it for others to comment, I've made a lot of them here today.
So... wait... if Fluttershy is the Equine Torch, and AJ is CLEARLY the Thing, than who are the Invisable Mare and Mr. Useless? ...err, I mean, Mr. Fantastic.
ReplyDeleteThis is a fantastic story and I can't wait till the next chapter, the dream sequence was a little confusing but once I realized what it was I quickly righted myself. I really want to learn more about Fluttershy's parents.
ReplyDelete@CouchCrusader
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, there are plenty of adventure stories with a bit of ponies getting hurt and some intense action and blood that don't have and don't need the Grimdark tag. Dread Chitin is a prime example.
Love the style, story's interesting, and all in all, looks like 5 stars to me.
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD IT UPDATED!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a great adventure, and I've love to see more of Fluttershy in action. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete