Author: Richardson
Description: When Trixie accidentally exposes herself and Twilight Sparkle to the Bag of Tirac, transforming them both into a new breed of dragon, dark events are set into motion, and only with the power of her friends, family, and the Elements of Harmony can Twilight hope to overcome the darkness that seeks to claim her, and all the land in it's soul-crushing embrace.Dragon'ing Her Hooves (New Part 3!)
Additional Tags: G1, Transformation, Corruption, Dragon!Sparkle, Epic Journey
38 comments:
Hmmm...
ReplyDelete*Puts on REading List*
G1?
ReplyDeleteHm, that is interesting...
(Not really)
>Bag of Tirac
ReplyDelete>Tirac
>cariT
>Carrot
CARROT TOOOOP!
GOD F*CKING DAMNIT TRIXIE
ReplyDeleteYo, Richardson, neat story and all, and imma let you finish, but first...
ReplyDeleteI find it ridiculously easy to tell the difference between Seth, Cereal, and Phoe's writing styles.
Interesting premise, let down somewhat by below average writing. For the record, loose is the opposite of tight and loosing isn't a word at all (as far as i know). The words you're thinking of are lose and losing.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I see the word "lose" misspelled as "loose", a part of me dies. That's the first thing I noticed when I began reading this story. I will tell you more later.
ReplyDelete@tizee
ReplyDeleteLoosing is the present participle of "to loose"
verb (used with object)
20. to let loose; free from bonds or restraint.
21. to release, as from constraint, obligation, or penalty.
22. Chiefly Nautical. to set free from fastening or attachment: to loose a boat from its moorings.
23. to unfasten, undo, or untie, as a bond, fetter, or knot.
24. to shoot; discharge; let fly: to loose missiles at the invaders.
In modern speech the verb "release" is used more often.
/rainbowTheMoreYouKnow
i remember reading this a week ago its a great idea but how its done makes it seem like its part 2 of a story.
ReplyDelete@smartz118 You think THAT'S bad?
ReplyDeleteFor some reason every single f*cking author I come across always mispells "Your" as "You're". And they confuse "There", "Their" and "They're".
WHY DOES EVERYONE HERE SUCK WITH HOMOPHONES? DID YOU ALL *FAIL* FOURTH GRADE!?
Decent story so far. I would have preferred a tale that started with Trixie finding the bag, but that's just my two one-hundredths of currency.
ReplyDeletei can see spike hitting on twilight now trolol
ReplyDeletehttp://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=200600 Go There.
ReplyDeleteFrom the end of the chapter it sounds like they're going to go back and tell the lead-up with the bag finding and all, and this was just a teaser.
ReplyDeleteinsure should probably be ensure. to insure is to, well, life insurance and all. ensure is to make sure. also, loose should be lose in at least one case, i think.
ReplyDeleteinteresting way of doing the story. i don't know if a flashback is the best, though. we know how at least half the story ends up, everypony's ok and Twi and Twix - i mean Trixie are dragons somehow, something to do with a bag of some sort. Trixie is fallen, Twi is not. there's too many questions answered already. some aren't but i don't know if those that remain are enough to really drive interest in the story. it could work, though, so you keep at it.
uhm, sorry. i don't mean to sound all doubting mcdoubterpants here. flashback stories can be, uhm, difficult to work well. good luck though.
I saw this earlier and I was waiting for some comments before I started it.
ReplyDeleteI think I'll put it on my reading list.
-_- There is way too much on that list.
Looks promising! I already added you to the story alert.
ReplyDeleteThis story has me wanting more, but the opening chapter leaves me frustrated with the thought that you opened with a BANG only to continue the second chapter with long winded exposition. This is a worry I doubt i'll be correct on with Trixie being Trixie and going on a rampage.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, I think I'm going to love this series.
seriously guys... read the story and keep your damn grammar nazi-ism to yourselves. it's a fanfic about a pony being turned into a dragon by some kind of bag... lighten up.
ReplyDelete@Muffinsforever
ReplyDeleteSame here.
194 tabs in my To Read folder.
I will never have enough time for them. Especially when season 2 starts.
Damn...
ReplyDeleteGrimdark story. something I tend to try and avoid like the plague.Then again...
Dragon Twilight. Something I've wanted to see for eons now...
>_< Oy. Guess I'll read. Though I pictured a Dragonlight story as a comedy...
@firehawk010
ReplyDeleteJust because it's a fic about ponies being turned into dragons doesn't mean it doesn't need to use proper English. Incidental texts and IMs are one thing, but premeditated storytelling is something else entirely, and poor grammar makes stories a lot harder to read and enjoy.
Still putting this on my reading list, and if the author is looking, please take the grammar critiques as constructive criticism.
The first chapter threw me somewhat. You're obviously going for a flash-back style of story, but I feel we have been shown a bit too much of the present. Stories like these are interesting to read simply for the character development when being thrown into odd circumstances, and how they react. I'm not sure how you'll handle the rest of the past, but I get the feeling these reaction scenes may be a little less powerful as we now know how the characters will feel in the end.
ReplyDeleteGrammar is a little rusty, and the way it is written makes for a slightly awkward read. It seems to glaze over some actions while some of the speech in the latter of the chapter seems really ordered and forced, like "I've had my turn speaking, I'll just be quiet and let the next person in the line repeat what I said in their own vernecular while referencing their special ability." There was a lot of talking, which is perfectly fine especially for a character-driven story like this, but a lot of it seemed unnecessarily drawn out acceptance. This is another point, we haven't gotten to know this dragon Twilight yet, so it's very odd seeing all of the characters just abruptly accept her. This is the first time we as readers see this Twilight, so it throws us to find that the other character's reactions have already happened and we missed them. The reader is left with no characters to empathise with, so we're just left thinking 'what's going on?'
Please keep in mind to tidy up your grammar a little (you're not bad by any rate, you just could do with improving a little) as well as sorting out your timing. Some things seemed rushed and glazed-over, while other parts like the other character's acceptance speeches seem long-winded and unnatural for speech. What you have is a good story, a good premise, and a pretty damn good and well-executed action scene (would have been better if we knew what was going on, though). Don't take this review to heart though, I still enjoyed this first chapter and look forward to the rest. Good work so far!
There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism. It is assumed that the author wants to improve, and that is the spirit in which it is given.
ReplyDeleteGah... I don't like GrimDark, but this seems like such an awesome premise...
ReplyDelete(This comment carries a great big SPOILER TAG)
ReplyDeleteWell...
Assuming we're going to go back and start at the beginning, then I guess I can't say "Well crap, we've really missed an awesome story and this is incompetent for having started us so late in events."
I can't say THAT... but I can say the way you started is still incredibly disadvantageous.
Now, I know what you were attempting to do. And it IS a viable storytelling route. It's a style called "In Medias Res." It's where you actually start out in the middle of the story before flashing back to the beginning and telling the first half of the story in flashback. And there are a lot of stories that do it. "Paradise Lost" for one. Or if you want to think movies then both Megamind and Emperor's New Groove, which were both pretty okay movies, used In Medias Res, starting out in the middle and then going back.
In Medias Res is used best to give a quick snapshot of something big. Something interesting. Something really crazy, powerful, or emotional happening in the story somewhere. And then, taking just that little snapshot, you go back to the beginning and see just how we got to that powerful situation.
But there's a flipside too. Go back and watch Emperor's New groove or Megamind or one of those real fast. Just the opening scene. There's something they didn't do that you did that is really... unwise.
See, with these stories, they gave you, like, 30 seconds worth of middle material and then shot you back to the beginning. Just enough to give you a taste and say "What the hell?!" How did Cuzco end up a crying llama in the middle of the forest? What will happen to him next? How did Megamind end up falling from the sky? What's going to happen now? Or if we're talking Paradise Lost, what are the exact events that led to the Devil landing in this lake of fire?
The thing is, they gave almost no context. They explained nothing. They just showed you an image, wowed you, and then threw you back.
In this story, you have now eliminated a great deal of drama and tension by the sheer amount of stuff you explained for us. We now know that no matter what, Twilight is getting out of this okay, at least mentally and emotionally. We know that her friends, family, and mentor all still fully accept her. We know exactly WHY she's going to be okay. We have introduced practically all the side and supporting characters right from the beginning and made known their intentions and motivations.
tl;dr? SPOILERS.
As interesting as the beginning of the story SOUNDS, there's no tension through it now. We know everything is going to be alright, at least on Twilight's end. It'd be sorta like if, in the Superman movie, when Superman finds Lois Lane dead, somebody stopped the film, popped up and said, "Don't worry folks! She's going to be a-o-kay!"
I mean, there's still tension on whether or not Trixie might release Tirek and corrupt the dragons and raze Equestria, yeah... but Twilight's entire character arc has been spoiled. That... wasn't a bright choice.
If you wanted to use In Medias Res you should have just given us a really fast, really quick snapshot. Given us a real fast and sparse image of Twilight crying in a cave in the Everfree before having her reflect on events. Have Twilight lying injured on the ground in the middle of Tirek's conquest before the recent events flash before her eyes. Or you could have even started it where you did with the search party but instead of jumping into the Manticore battle right away you could have had them all looking for her and during the search, Spike could reflect upon what happened. As it is you just gave us WAY too much.
It's an interesting concept, and I still want to read it to know what happened, but there's no way I can 5 star or even 4 star this for a mistake this big. 3 stars.
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteNot really to do with the story at hand. But if you're interested the single best (in every sense of the word) example of In Medias Res storytelling I have ever seen is the manga BERSERK. Anyone who wants to use this story style should read this as a primer.
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteI'll try to look that up then. :) What's it about?
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteGattsu, known as the Black Swordsman, seeks sanctuary from the demonic forces that persue himself and his woman, and also vengeance against the man who branded him as an unholy sacrifice. Aided only by his titanic strength, skill and sword, Gattsu must struggle against his bleak destiny, all the while fighting with a rage that might strip him of his humanity. Berserk is a dark and brooding story of outrageous swordplay and ominous fate, in the theme of Shakespeare's MacBeth.
I like the concept but think you could have started the story better. What is published is published however. Good luck ^^
An interesting start, if a little off at some things.
ReplyDeleteNice to see someone use that sack from the g1 special for something un-expected.
Interesting... but it starts way too abruptly.
ReplyDeleteAlso getting to her feet should be getting to her hooves.
An interesting start! It felt a bit rushed, but that's probably from the writing style you're going for. Also, please cool it with '20%', we get it really.
ReplyDelete@Specter Von Baren
ReplyDeleteNo, it's feet. She's not a pony anymore. Pay attention.
I will be following this series closely. Watch for overuse of the tropes and catchphrases, though. The last thing you should do is feel obligated to use every last bronyism on the net in your story. It's distracting and obnoxious.
ReplyDeletePlus, seriously, Rainbow only said 20% one time in the whole season and fanfics have her using the phrase to describe EVERYTHING. It's getting ridiculous.
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteWhat Damhoof said.
Just be warned. You don't know Grimdark until you have read this.
At all.
Soooooo... Nothing new here for two and a half months...
ReplyDeleteI guess it's... Dead then?
So I added this to my reading list a while ago, I come back, and... still one chapter? If the author's busy, s'all good, but I'm kind of surprised... I had expected a longer story.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, it's pretty good, and I hope to see more.
I'm all for in media res (it is possibly my favorite way of getting the reader interested), but there is an art to it and I don't find this story to measure up. You really can't stretch it out too long, and frankly I'd say you would have been pushing it if Twi went into her memories as she was falling into unconsciousness after fighting the manticore. Making the first chapter as long as you did makes it feel like you simply forgot to write a couple of chapters, which is certainly not how you want the reader to feel. The first chapter is simply not going to work unless you streamline it considerably.
ReplyDelete