[Normal] [Adventure]
Author: Drax99
Description: Everyone hears about Humans in Equestria. What happens when a pony ends up in Equestria?
A Clever Pony
Additional Tags: Original, Terran Pony, Innocent, Circus Pony, Family Friendly
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[Normal] [Adventure]
Author: Drax99
A Clever Pony
Additional Tags: Original, Terran Pony, Innocent, Circus Pony, Family Friendly
Labels: Adventure, Applebloom, Author: Drax99, Celestia, Complete, Everypony, Fanfiction, Normal, Star-4, StoryShare This!
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96 comments:
hm. OC
ReplyDeleteThey say they don't like OCs, but they is ambigious
ReplyDeleteWhat like a Pony from the human world ends up in Equestria? that would be interesting. Would probably scare the S*** outta everybody.
ReplyDeleteWell well, this is interesting.
ReplyDeleteDrax99 getting something up at EqD. I thought I'd never see that day (not meant negative).
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I thought you hated EqD? Maybe you've changed...
Gonn- wait... "normal" and "adventure"? What the buck is this!? Gonna have to give it a go then.
I have bad memories from the last story I read that was by Drax... Fucking druids and pheromones... I'm still gonna try this.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's not as if Equestrian ponies DON'T domesticate animals so I'll thank them kindly not to talk about humans doing it as if it's some kind of monstrous act of enslavement.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is pretty good. nice concept.
ReplyDeletelol, nope havn't changed, I'm as shocked as anyone. And this is my try at a "Family Friendly" story.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who helped proof-read at least part of this, I highly suggest checking it out. It's a very interesting concept, and Drax is a decent writer. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Drax
ReplyDeleteAs long as it doesn't include a pheromone pumping Mary Sue, I'm good. What inspired you to write that particular story anyway?
@Drax
ReplyDeleteAs someone who's read "Past Sins" I know you're a decent writer (which makes you well above... like 80% of all the writers?). However, I do hope you don't fuck it up like with Past Sins (though that story was doomed after just 2 chapters).
I'll give you some feedback after I've read it (whenever that will be, busy editing Past Sins and doing a review), but I remember the last time I tried to help you... and you just shoved it away, harshly. That really hurt.
I'm sure it's at least a good read, the concept definitely is interesting...
@Amos
ReplyDeleteOh dear god no. Mary Sues just piss me off...
That was a very cute fic and I'm glad I've read it.
ReplyDeleteWell, that ending made the how a bit ambiguous, but otherwise this was a nice little fic. Glad you avoided going the misanthropic route (even if the execution was a bit heavyhanded). I think the only thing holding it back is the lack of a transitional period after the transformation...but, I like transition stuff. So woe be mine.
ReplyDeleteNice fic.
Awww, Bitter-sweet Ending.
ReplyDelete@David Johnston Yes, but here we have these Humans enslaving a pony!
ReplyDeleteOr to put it other way, to Twilight and friends, a pony - even a mute, weird-looking, animalistic pony - is not an animal so much as a person.
Oh BUCK! In my last comment, replace "Past Sins" with "Angst Much".
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should take a break from editing Past Sins?... :S
Sorry!
I enjoyed that; a bit short perhaps. Would have prefered a longer 'discovery' period, eg some time spent looking at the differences between a terran pony and an Equestrian one, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteI liked it.
ReplyDelete5 stars, short and sweet, didn't really feel put off by it.
@jrk08004
ReplyDeleteI believe the notion is more "We believe the fandom dislikes OCs and so warn against them, but acknowledge that there have been and are worthwhile OCs to be had and read about."
They's neutral.
I'll give it a four out of five. It was well written for the most part, but the over-idealized happy ending (for Buttercup, at least) was a bit off-putting. I laughed out loud when Buttercup took a dump like Terran ponies do.
ReplyDeleteCute story. I'm sad but happy about how it turned out /fluttershycry
ReplyDeleteA very good reading. It does feel a bit rushed at the end, but i like the concept overall.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. Solid read, despite the uneven pacing after she arrived in Equestria.
ReplyDeleteDanngit. Poor Buttercup.
ReplyDeleteI dun wanna think about Equestria as pony heaven :C
Awww, that was cute.
ReplyDeleteAnd did I detect a hint of shipping? =P
Dat ending. Wow.
ReplyDeleteCute. Enjoyable. Funny. And, a bit sad at the end. All the things I like.
D'aww that was really good! I wish that'd happen to me D:
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed it... although the second to last scene was kind of sad...
ReplyDeleteDon't read my comment if you don't want SPOILERS
ReplyDeleteThe ending. Is Equestria pony heaven, then? Or maybe the portal leaves a body to keep the masquerade?
And poor Will. No matter which, I feel sorry for him. :(
After recovering from my initial "Squee". I felt the fic was very well written at the start, and that Buttercup's own personality was pretty interesting. However, the ending felt a little rushed. Perhaps a gradual period of learning would have better served the story's narrative.
ReplyDeleteThat was a really nice story, and the ending made me awww and :( at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI too would have preferred more length to the story, and to have seen the gradual adjustment from show pony to Equestrian citizen. All in all, an interesting concept, and I'm glad to have read it.
ReplyDeleteSolid 4.5 out of 5 from me.
Nice little quick story, quick read, same as above for pacing.
ReplyDelete4/5 because of the pacing, least Drax is a better writer than me.
This was an adorable story! This is proof positive that you can have very likeable OCs.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very sweet and touching story. :)
I think that the transition from Terran Pony to Earth Pony was too quick. I'd imagine that the shock of finding yourself in an entirely new body would take quite a bit of getting used to. In addition, while Buttercup might be clever for an Terran pony, she's no where as intelligent as a pony native to Equestria, and there's a lot of knowledge that she's going to need to learn.
ReplyDeleteAlso, nice Princess Bride reference, if that's what it is (Wes being short for Westley).
OH! you're THAT Drax guy! oh. oh my.
ReplyDelete*gives it a try anyway*
well, that was very nice. i'm glad someone posted it to EqD. nice heart-warming story, a little ... anti-human in there? but i'm overtly sensitive to that sort of thing. i liked it, though it did seem a bit short. i, well, i liked it. i really can't suggest anything to improve your writing style, as i normally like to do. a bit of repetition in the 'clever pony' parts but i can see why you'd chose to do that and it adds to the story i think. uhm, the poop part might have been much for some but it had to be addressed.
sorry i couldn't help ...
@Minalkra
ReplyDeleteuhm, i'd like to give this 4/5 but for some reason blogger won't show the stars.
sorry again.
@Minalkra
ReplyDeleteAre you using Firefox? I was having the same problem until I upgraded to 6.01.
I still can't believe someone downvoted it when it was first posted. Very well written and quite interesting.
ReplyDelete@Kim Fluttershy Dykas
ReplyDeleteYou left me a little confused for a moment there :P Thanks for clearing up what you meant
I just gave it a 5. It was so sweet. I'm not so certain that Equestria is absolute pony heaven, but more like a paradise for the lucky few who happen to encounter the effect of such a rare dimensional alignment.
ReplyDeleteThat a body was left behind on Earth, is probably not that significant. I imagine there is a true pony heaven beyond mortal life in Equestria. I think The portal is a reward... for a very clever pony who truly deserved more.
I enjoyed this. When nearing the finish I must admit I thought you were using a rather cheap plot device to remove a lot of questions and problems but I'm very glad I kept reading as the ending lies in a completely different direction that totally condones the use of quick explanations.
ReplyDeleteA heartwarming story, 4/5.
I also NEVER rate on technical issues. I rate a story for it's merit, without regard to whether or not if needs or even will be revised or left alone. If there were any errors in this story, my mind auto-filtered over them all. I noticed nothing, as the story absorbed my full attention.
ReplyDeleteTo me, this was a beautiful, heartwarming story that caused my eyes to leak... blinker fluid... That's what that was, yeah.
5 stars!
For now, I will give it four stars in hopes of seeing it get better with time. It didn't draw me in as much as I had hoped it would, but still, It's good stuff. :3 Best of luck on future chapters!
ReplyDelete@Minalkra I actually found it fairly anti-anti-human (or non-misanthropic) in an awkward sort of way. The reality is not anti-human, the equestrian rumor/speculation is anti-human and so there's an awkward little "oh, so it wasn't bad for you" moment that was a bit heavy-handed.
ReplyDeleteOh and if the rating don't show, hit the post title/header and then refresh that page once or twice. Usually shows up.
*head asplode*
ReplyDeleteif you did not rofl @ Buttercup casually taking a shit while walking, you have no soul
ReplyDeleteIt feels a bit like Planet of the Apes, but a really smart present day chimp goes to the future.
ReplyDeleteA little sad and very sweet; and I enjoyed pre-uplift Buttercup's interactions with the other ponies.
ReplyDeleteAnd so Equestria is equine heaven? Much is explained.
Great little story. That last scene in the real world sealed it for me, very nice twist. Yeah, we humans aren't all monsters, are we.
ReplyDeleteA cute idea executed in a cute way! I do think it could have been stretched out a bit to give more of a sense of transition, but overall this is a fun idea.
ReplyDeleteI liked reading this. I used to ride horses when I was young and always wondered how much the horses liked us on their backs. Its nice to think they were having as much fun as we were.
ReplyDeleteDawww. ^_^
ReplyDelete@Kim:
ReplyDeleteOne was going to SAY! PS doomed after 2 chapters?! XD I knew it HAD to be a typo or SOMETHING, because I KNOW you wouldn't spend time on something if it was doomed after only 2 chapters! XD Nice to run into you again! Read any other good stories lately, or is the editing/reviewing keeping ya busy?
Your (Accidentally) antagonistic friend: The GREAT and POWERFUL Trevor
Also, about the actual story... I liked it, for the most part, though one hopes for more chapters. It's hard to make a good, founded judgement with only one chapter to work with. (Kinda like judging MLP after only seeing one episode. Kinda.)
Intruiging notion, well executed. The final scene in the real world raises some questions. I wouldn't have minded if this had been a series, I'm actually a bit sad its a one shot. Would have been nice to see a bit more of a real pony in Equestria.
ReplyDeleteGoshdammit, I had this idea SO LONG AGO.
ReplyDeleteWell done. I enjoyed it and the Idea is great.
ReplyDeleteOh, wait, I read it. This isn't my idea. This fic is good. But mine is better.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story. It was a really interesting idea and I'm glad someone wrote it well since it could have gone wrong.
ReplyDeleteWish it was longer though.
I liked the story, though I agree that it felt a bit rushed towards the end. But Buttercup as the matron of the Ponyville Orphanage is now part of my personal fanon.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am a bit anti-human, but that isn't where I was trying to go with this. I was getting sick of writing dark and angsty stuff and wanted something simple, and heartwarming. I wanted to write happy for a change. I actually agonized over her choice of path, since I wanted her to do something with children, but there was already a teacher, and Orphanage implies lost parents and unwanted foals. Not an image I wanted for Ponyville. I compromised by making it an orphanage for all of Equestria.
ReplyDeleteI am not happy with the ending myself, and may go back to re-write it later. But honestly, I ran out of steam at the end, then beat my head against the wall for a week trying to figure how to end it properly. I finally went for short and sweet, with a happy ending. But of course, my twisted mind wont let me do happy, without a little bit of bittersweet, and so the gentle, kindhearted pony earned her reward with a happier life.
As for repeating the clever pony bit, it set the mood and her personality. While on our world, she was very clever, by Equestria standards she is a bit slow. Not quite Lenny, but close. Regardless of her intelligence, she is accepted and loved for who she is, a kind pony who loves children.
I'm glad everyone liked it, it was refreshing to write, but the stress of life and multiple projects finally got to me in the end. Maybe I will revisit it with a sequel, and flesh out her character and life in Ponyville some more.
Fun story Drax! I really enjoyed the twist. Though, I wonder how well Buttercup will do with raising socially well adjusted foals when she hardly knows anything about Equestrian life herself! Ha! Now that will be sure to be an adventure. If you ever care to write about it, I would love to read it. :D
ReplyDeleteObviously, when Celestria boosted her intelligence she also gave her the knowledge she would need to function in Equestria.
ReplyDeleteI liked the story, but I have to agree that ir felt rushed ny the end. I think this story could have spanned over several chapters, which would give the chance to see more of Buttercup's reactions to life in Equestria and the way she has to learn how to be a regular ponyvillian.
ReplyDelete@MaconThat may make a good follow up story. Learning how to adjust to being an Equestrian pony, especially with inquisitive foals.
ReplyDelete@Drax, Please do a follow-up on her adjustment to Ponyville.
ReplyDeleteI have a half pony pet....he is an jerk, I can't help but wonder what he would be like in equestria...I almost want to do a spoof of this with a normal pony not a clever one. almost...
ReplyDeleteI agree that a follow up story would be fun to see.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say this story is... well, thought-provoking at least. It seemed like a nice adventure story right up until the end. It'll certainly make me think next time I watch some MLP shows. Great job, Drax99.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful... I almost cried in the end
ReplyDeleteWell, teaches me to post without reading everything :P Don't kill me.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, if your reading experience is spoiled, it's your fault for reading the comments before the story.
For those of you who are requesting a followup, the point of the story (from my humble point of view) is to convey the idea that Equestria is not really a whole different world, but rather Pony heaven. Buttercup, who loves children more than anything else, dies, goes to Equestria, and gets to spend her entire (after)life helping children, as she always enjoyed. A followup would just turn this into a story, but right now it's a kind of... I don't know, sad but happy way of showing the true nature of Equestria.
such a short and sweet story, I enjoyed the ending it all came together nicely. Touching story and glad I let my curiosity get me to open up the story link.
ReplyDelete@Hardbeat Acolyte
ReplyDeleteYeah, I was WTFing up a storm at the Past Sins part. Now I understand. Haven't read "Angst Much" though.
This story was awesome! I half want there to be more, but it seems like it us liable to get ruined if done badly. The ending was sad, but made the story that much more poignant. I dunno what else to say. 5 stars
ReplyDelete@The GREAT and POWERFUL Trevor
ReplyDeleteGood to see you too!
You'd be surprised of how little time I spend on Past Sins... or pony-related stuff at all. Real life sucks, was better in the summer where I could live my own life in front of the computer, hah! Anyhow, I'm currently at the 7th chapter of Past Sins, and I have been as such for a day or two. Progress is a bit slow... Var and especially Vimbert are super fast though. Filler/Cludvent just finished the second chapter... he's slow, but very efficient.
Angst Much :S not Past Sins, was doomed after the second ch- no wait, make it the first chapter. As soon as the self-insert? got ripped and shit for no reason, it was doomed. Then came the sex... ahem! Back on topic!
No, I haven't really read any fics worth mentioning lately... then again, I've only read around 3-4 fics out of free will the last 2-3 weeks. I'm too busy helping others with their writing, reviewing and editing. And stuff.
ATM I'm taking a break from everything, trying to write something. Planning on doing a S.T.A.L.K.E.R x MLP crossover. It's gonna take a lot of work.
Drax, sorry for de-railing the comments section with this post, directing attention towards me :S
Sorry!
An interesting read. In real life I have a miniature ponies. They have their way of "talking", of getting their message across to me.
ReplyDeleteI do feel for poor Will though - I lost my first little pony a couple of weeks ago. I'd had her for 15 years.
The ending doesn't make much sense. It couldn't be pony heaven because Celestia said this was a RARE occasion.
ReplyDeleteI like this. You could have easily turned this into a long mini-series though, it seemed a touch rushed.
ReplyDeleteI REALLY like this particular O.C.
You have to be careful with O.C.s They can easily make or break a story, depending on how they're handled.
Examples of stories whit well-handled O.C.s:
'The Logical Option' (even if it has MAJOR problems with spelling errors)
'Past Sins' (don't try to tell me that Nyx is anything but an extremely clever O.C.)
'Heart of Gold, Feathers of Steel' (both stories)
'The Sound of Sunlight' (I melt over this one)
You have some fantastic potential with this kind of story :)
Please keep going with this line of writing. I LOVE IT!
@Night Sky
ReplyDeleteRight, so most go somewhere else. Only when the planets are right do they go to Equestria. Presumably what the human said was true of the other possible destination as well.
Drive by editing suggestions:
Trying to make as sound, it first came out as a bray, but words quickly formed as she discovered she could command her vocal chords.
-First phrase malformed. Probably should be "Trying to make a sound".
innshesh
-Never quite could figure out what this means.
... Clever count : 21 ...
ReplyDelete-----
... Real pony in Equestria ? Mmh... I wonder if people remember 'this' video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ars_I3kzOAw ? It's a real funny video ...
>Before approaching the house she decided to relieve herself along the side of the path.
-Heeeeeh ?... Yeah... I can see how VERY awkward this can be... *cough*
>She is a Terran Pony.”
-A Starcraft pony ? ;)
>they have domesticated wild ponies as creatures of labor. Oh how barbaric!”
-Says the pony with a dragon ASSISTANT !
>“You poor thing, they must have treated you awful on your world.
-Oh, right, awful... Say ? How do you treat your animals around here, hmmmmm ? Are they ALL treated badly ?
>She’s some sorta escaped slave of these ‘Humans’?”
-(Siiiiiiigh) Facepalm !
@David Johnston has a point...
>This new horse seemed to radiate power and calm
-Last time I checked, Celestia was ALSO a pony... just a much bigger than average pony, that's all. (plus being an alicorn and a Princess-Goddess...)
>I understand that your kind are not always treated well by the humans that care for you.
-The contrary (which is 'well treated') is also quite true most of the time... normally.
>The spell requires a focus, and a template.”
-Huhhh... Copy/Paste 'Pony model V3.5' with alishop (alicorn-photoshop) ?
>“Woooo! I’ma pony! I’ma talking pony! I’ma clever talking pony! YAY!”
-Well, she does sound quite happy :)
-----
>Looking up, Will raised red eyes to his friend. “I don’t know, bro. I just don’t know. But at least now, she’s in a better place than here. And she can play with the children as much as she wants.”
-What the ... Oh ! You **** /%?2&?"3+42 ! YOu got to be kidding me ?
Why that freaking part ? What gives really ?! This section just SUNK your damn story ! What genious idea you had !
Couldn't just have her ''portal'' her way to Equestria, nooooooooooo... 'Stupid lightning through the neck' idea that was ?
-----
... That story WAS at least a 4 stars, then the most unnecessary, tasteless, most idiotic addition possible, I read in the last 20 stories that I read this week so far ! There is no need, no reason for this section to be there. It's simply some bad, tasteless 'forced-drama' put through our throat ...
@Drax : Well, this last section pretty surely put a 'metaphorical' bullet through that goal. Seriously.
... The idea was new and interesting, the end almost-literally screwed it heavily, and now... the last memories of this story that you give the reader, that people will remember first... is a terrible nonsensical event that just make us throw our hands in the air and say : ''What the ?! WHY !'' ...
... way to go from new and interesting to terrible and annoying, in 10seconds flat ...
(and now I need some other story, to digest this ''so-called'' end...)
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteThis review made me lol.
Lets see. Terran pony, because Equestria has Earth ponies. This one really stuck in my craw, so had to do the best I could.
The baby dragon assistant, who is being raised as a ward of the state, not a slave. He's still a kid. (although child labor laws might apply)
How do they treat their animals? Ask Fluttershy, that seems to be her job. Personally I wanna kick that damn rabbit every time I see him. And I LOVE animals.
Of course Celestia is seen as a horse. She's too big to be a pony, and the only creature she has to compare her to is the horse from the circus.
Earth pony template... as opposed to AJ standing around picking her nose. Eh, I wanted her involved.
As for the ending... Part of it was one of my pre-readers pestering me for an explanation of how lightening created a damn portal. And part of it was just my darker impulses not letting me just write something totally happy without a bit of bitterness. But I feel it made her happiness all the more poignant. A peek behind the curtain to see just what she paid, and appreciate how much she earned.
But, if you didn't like it, I cannot' help that. Can't please everyone, and if you try, you will never be happy yourself.
@Drax
ReplyDeleteYou know, the ''ending'' part isn't so much about whatever liking this section or not, all things considered...
It is, partially, about the fact that I could as well literally *cut* this section and NOTHING AT ALL (details, information, vital emotions, etc...) would be lost, really.
Which basicly transforms this 'end section' into something that is essentially a *slap to the face of the reader*, telling : ''Be sad now !!''.
It makes the ''end'' rather ''unpleasant'', to put it mildly... and it gives a bad after-taste, since I had 'enjoyed' the story, its set atmosphere, before that point... Before the 'metaphorical' *slap to the face*, that is.
meh, 4/5 likes it. Most commented that it made the piece. I'd call that mission accomplished.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not happy with the ending though, to my standards it was a desperate hack job. I will easily admit that, I was really strung out at the end and closed the story badly. But I will need time to find a better way to end it. But so far nobody has complained about the humanitarian ending, except you. The only thing that I see needs fixing is the transition to equestrian pony.
I still haven't decided if I want to do this in a re-write, or a sequel. Time will tell.
Well, time and feedback. Still waiting to hear from some friends.
Well, yes, the ending was rushed. Maybe you should have foreshadowed before how she liked taking care of children, it only came up to close to the end. I catch myself making this mistake often.
ReplyDeleteStill a very heartwarming story, and I loved reading it. The bittersweet touch felt very much appropriate, and it did help jerking the couple happy tears it did.
Nice work. :3
@Drax
ReplyDeleteI wonder...
What would result, if you were to give permission to someone to post your story somewhere else, like on DA, without the 'unnecessary section'... with a link at the end, pointing toward this one... and asking the reader to spot the missing 'section' and what they they think of that 'section' once they find it ?
That sure would be a very fascinating experiment.
IT would provide interesting data.
I already posted it on DA, and FF.net. So far though, you are the only person that has complained about that scene.
ReplyDeleteI gave permission on my DA page, anyone can repost my stuff, just please give credit. I'd actually prefer that people be redirected to that site, since they have a much better comment system, and I check it more often.
Look me up, Name is Drax99 there too.
@Freeze Frame
ReplyDeleteThe ending. Is Equestria pony heaven, then? Or maybe the portal leaves a body to keep the masquerade?
Nope. Celestia said it was incredibly rare. She also said the trip was always one-way... and apparently she was very right about that. The ending just showed why. Dimensional travel copying instead of transporting doesn't seem like such an odd theory to me. Seen that concept a lot on the subject of teleportation.
After reading this, I think this story would make a great addition to either The Outer Limits, or the 1980's Twilight Zone.
ReplyDeleteLovely work! =3
@CaptRicoSakara
ReplyDeleteOh yes, my storytelling style is strongly influenced by both of those, and thats exactly the effect I was goin for.
I didn't detect anything anti human, only a point of view problem. MLPs are people, not animals, and from their perspective domestication equates to slavery. And no matter how plush, slavery is slavery, so it's a short step to thinking of humans as universally cruel. Buttercup denied that herself, said her trainers were kind.
ReplyDeleteI didn't find the "clever pony" thing repetitive. It creates dramatic irony because we can see that a very clever terran pony is a rather stupid equestrian pony, and it serves as a glimpse into Buttercup's head where she is constantly self-congratulatory on her cleverness. That's her one point of pride.
And then the end. Oh, man. That made me tear up a bit. Was she actually transported in spirit to a new world, or is Equestria really pony heaven? Or is Equestria an illusion created for Buttercup's individual benefit in the afterlife, like Robin Williams in What Dreams May Come? Pony Heaven, population: one? Does that make Celestia an angel? Or God?
If it's the real, shared afterlife for all ponies (or even just some), then something went wrong in Buttercup's case. Presumably normal pony souls get reincarnated as MLP foals, and Buttercup somehow jumped the track.
I prefer an open ending, so the reader can interpret it however they want. I give you the framework, but you truly create the world.
ReplyDelete@Nyerguds
ReplyDelete>Dimensional travel copying instead of transporting
>Seen that concept a lot on the subject of teleportation.
-Then it's not really 'teleportation'.
Teleportation : is a term that refers to a number of theories and notions concerning the transfer of matter from one point to another without traversing the physical space between them.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteI said "on the subject of". The point there was indeed that it wasn't true teleportation but atomic rebuilding of electronically transferred scan data, leaving you with an 'original' every time, and dealt with the morality of disposing of it.