[Adventure] [Sad] [Light Shipping]
Author: Quotidian Torture
Description: Princess Celestia is worried about her little sister. Ever since the Elements of Harmony vanquished Nightmare Moon and returned Luna to her original state, she's hasn't quite been herself. Not that Celestia really knows what 'herself' means after a thousand years apart. But the Sun Princess knows she can't confront her sister directly, that would just lead to more hurt feelings and no resolution, so she sends an intermediary. Hoplon, Equestria's worst Royal Guard. He's bumbling, he's brash, and he might just have what it takes to get to the bottom of what's eating at the once was 'Mare in the Moon'. Assuming they can get past their rocky introduction, and she can get over that ridiculous name of his.Aegis
Aegis Part 2 (New!)
Additional Tags: Long, Mystery, Adventure, Drama, Trauma
20 kommentaari:
FIRST BITCH!!!
VastaKustutaFuck. I'll read this story later to make up for that :P I'll rate it and give some feedback then.
Why is this getting bombed right away? There's hardly been enough time for anyone to even finish reading.
VastaKustuta^^^ Pony... I am disappoint.
VastaKustutaReally? Five rating trolls? It hasn't even been long enough for most people to have finished reading more than 2500 words. I don't understand why people rate things they didn't read...
VastaKustutaHm, and the ratings have disappeared.
VastaKustutaPersonally I quite enjoyed it. The narration was quite funny and Luna being quite waspish and sarcastic does make sense considering her situation. I'll be eager to see where this one goes.
Oh wait, there are the ratings. I just hadn't signed in to Google yet. :p
VastaKustutaAlright, why are there five 1 star ratings and no comments explaining why?
VastaKustutaThankfully, that seems to have been countered now. I myself would give it somewhere between a 3 and a 4. First person stories are iffy for me, and I did notice a few errors here and there, but it's a pretty nice premise overall. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.
not cute,nice, inoccent Luna?
VastaKustutaFINALLY! there is just enough stories showing her all the same.
Good enough so far. As introductions go, this one was fine. I wondered at the choice of keeping the first bit in 3rd person when the rest of the next section was 1st, but it didn't detract noticeably from the story so it's really just a point of idle curiosity for me.
VastaKustutaI liked this; it's a nicely different take on what Luna might be like. Seemed well written to me (I'm a sucker for a bit of internal monologue, especially if it's funny). On that: the tags don't seem to include 'comedy' - do you plan to maintain this level of humour?
VastaKustutaThis was very enjoyable. Please don't make me add it to the growing pile of excellent Canterlot Court drama stories that I suspect will never update again.
VastaKustutaI really hope you're going somewhere good with Luna, but I admit I can't tell just yet. I'll have more to say when we get to know this Luna better.
I know that this is only chapter one, but honestly it doesn't feel like a story yet. And that's basically all the constructive criticism I have now. :(
VastaKustutaI liked it but I hope it's not just because I'm sick of 'Sad Moping Luna', she always seems like a more believable character when she's a little bit more aggressive, but we'll see.
VastaKustutaI'm holding off on voting until I have more to base a judgement on.
When Luna was first introduced, I was all like "Luna's not a bi***, that's Trollestia's job!", but then I realized I was expecting only one fan-made perspective of the sisters out of many possible ones.
VastaKustutaI really like your characterization of Hoplon, and his comedic tone is hilarious! I look forward to any updates.
There's comments. On something I wrote. This frightens and excites me in entirely new ways.
VastaKustutaThanks guys! This is my first ever try at writing fan fiction, so comments and critiques are more than welcome. Things like tone and characterization especially, but dumb stuff like spelling and grammar problems too.
@Luna-tic Scientist
I don't know if I'd add a comedy tag. Hop's running monologue is a way for the character (and reader) to keep things from becoming too emotionally heavy, so it'll stick around, but other than that, I'm not planning to add a lot of comedy.
@Pyrite
Don't worry! Part of the reason I've made the chapters so short is so that I can actually update on something resembling a regular basis. I plan on once or twice a week, at least. In fact, Chapter 2 is already finished. It just hasn't worked its way through the queue yet, or something.
And there was much rejoicing.
VastaKustutaI'll certainly be weighing in more when there's more to weigh in on.
I will say that I wouldn't want to see Luna acting any meaner than she does in the first chapter. Though I do kinda like the idea that she was being difficult partially to test Hoplon and see if he was really willing to put up with her, sort of an initiation or hazing, which he apparently passed.
Also, I don't get what's so hilarious about the name Hoplon. It's a type of shield used by the Hoplites.
"Hello, my name is Ineighgo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to-"
VastaKustutaBwahaha! Princess Bride FTW.
JUST for the Princess Bride, that bumped this fc from a 4 to a 5. This is what the GREAT and POWERFUL Trevor has decreed!
VastaKustuta(Overall, pretty good! I like the idea of a more bitter Luna myself, really. I just see WAY too much hesitation and plotting in the little canon we see of Luna. I like cute woona BETTER, but your type of Luna seems moar realistic as to how she would REALLY react.)
The second chapter was a bit short, and definitely gives the sense that Hoplon thinks too much. The dialogue and internal monologue is a bit awkward at points, but other than that the writing is still of quite good quality.
VastaKustutaI still feel like I need to see more of the dynamic between Hoplon and Luna before I can comment further on it. So please keep writing more of it.
I like the focus on character, and Hoplon's inner monologue – specifically that he conveys his nervousness / constant questioning attitude.
VastaKustutaKeep going! ;)