The Equestrian Inquirer Issue #5

The fifth installment of the Equestrian Inquirer has been released! check it out after the break, or hit up the Google Documents version here.  

DISCORD DENIES ALLEGATIONS HIS FATHER WAS A BLENDER

By Joe Stevens

In a rumor that has discredited the ultimate source of evil and chaos in all of Equestria, the multi-species-composite-creature known as Discord has denied recent claims that his father was a blender. While the recent unearthing of this horrible being has threatened the very existence of all of ponykind, it seems that this embarrassing allegation has convinced the snaggle-toothed Discord to pause the planet’s rapid descent into all that is disharmony so that he might respond.

It seems that during an altercation involving mint chocolate chip ice cream and a bulldozer, reports as to the exact circumstances remain unclear, an unidentified pony challenged that Discord, the source of various ice-cream-based calamities, is the son of a blender.

“I am shocked and appalled at such an insult,” Discord was recorded as saying, “Surely you can see that a creature of such magnificence as I could never be sired from a measly household appliance.”

Despite his initial denial, ponies across Equestria continue the call that he is in fact the spawn of a electrically-powered combination of plastic, metal and wires used to puree and chop various foods and liquids. Speculation persists on what brand of blender Discord’s father might have been, but most ponies have agreed that it definitely had a smoothie setting and a maximum power output of 20,000 rpms.

As to the identity of Discord’s mother, Unreliable Sources have confirmed absolutely nothing. Apparently our Unreliable Sources are currently occupied being slowly consumed in a cheese sandwich at the whims of animated single-serve packets of apricot jelly. Discord himself took a moment to address the mother issue, however, using it as a principle part of his anti-blender-father logic.

“Blender be not me though that you shall soon see. When through my eyes do I despise your folk and folly,” Discord claimed, unleashing a legion of blenders that chopped up and brought to life a hodgepodge mixture of structures and plant life to mock and poke fun at any ponies in witness. This merely served to confirm the possibility of Discord’s juicer parentage, however, and while we all hide in fear we can muffle our laughter as we prepare for a chaotic end.

The EI sent Discord a request for interview to address the allegation directly. The letter was returned and turned C0mpu3lf into a baked potato. Our headquarters has now been transformed into the inside of a hamster cage. The stories that follow this had already been printed before Discord’s appearance and have now been published on the back of the many squirrels that have taken habitation in our offices. Please read and enjoy and send more fudgesicles as it’s getting difficult to fend off the muffins.

PINKIE SENSES SIMULTANEOUSLY DEBUNKED AND PROVEN BY SCIENCE

By Freddy Baxter

In a surprising turn of events, the combined efforts of Dwain Dibley and Twilight Sparkle have yielded a scientific discovery so profound and at the same time worthless that it baffles the mind to attempt its comprehension. Everypony in Ponyville is well aware of local resident Pinkie Pie’s innate ability to discern specific events before they occur, commonly known as “Pinkie-sense.” These “senses” include a twitching tail that predicts the falling of objects, shoulder aches indicating bathtub-bound alligators, and flaring nostrils that warn of an incoming Pegasus holding a paint bucket full of lobsters.

Long-annoyed by her inability to define these unpredictable predictions, Twilight enlisted EI Labs and its head scientist Dwain Dibley to study the pony. Pinkie Pie willingly volunteered to the PONY scans, X-rays, electro-radiation-inhibiting-diagnostics, and being-poked-repeatedly-by-a-sticks that the two scientific minds forced upon her. The results concluded with absolute precision that these pinkie senses were both true and, by their nature, completely false.

Immediate damage to the cranium by uncontrolled heads being slammed into the nearest blunt object is the immediate response to hearing this discovery and the EI apologizes for any damage that might be caused to your head or wall.

It turns out that these pinkie senses do and do not exist at the same time. It all reverts to Schrödinger’s Pony, a theory which states that a pony in a box is both simultaneously alive and dead so long as the pony in the box is not visible, and Heisenberg’s Really Uncertainty Principle, the concept that nothing can be observed without impacting it by the act of observation.

Pinkie’s sense allows for a theoretical box to come into existence, in essence reaching out to create the “box” of an event. This box does and does not exist. It is merely the inert statement that a “box” is coming into existence somewhere inside Pinkie’s psyche. However, the act of Pinkie’s senses touching the box impacts its nature, defining it and shaping it, so that it must be a narrow range of things such as doors opening, mud splashing, or angry squirrels with chain letters.

In short, Pinkie predicts something is going to happen. That something is defined by the observation in the prediction. And then the something happens. It is less a prediction and more forcing an unknown event to become a known event prior to that event happening.

Inherent in this definition, however, is the Schrödinger principle that the possibility of this being just a bunch of baloney must also exist, and this is true. Pinkie’s senses do and don’t exist. If they fully existed, they wouldn’t work according to their own definition. And if they didn’t exist, then they wouldn’t exist.

Upon the conclusion of the experiment, Pinkie Pie’s nostrils suddenly began to flare. Immediately after, Rainbow Dash crashed into the laboratory and lost control of her paint bucket-bound lobsters, destroying the laboratory and thankfully knocking Twilight unconscious before she could give herself another concussion after learning the results of the experiment.

A SPECIAL INTERVIEW WITH PONYVILLE’S OWLOWISCIOUS

Was a dumb idea.

GUMSHOE’S CORNER

(EI Muckraker Section)

FLUTTERSHY SWALLOWS A BUG

By Gumshoe

In a controversy that’s sure to rock the citizens of Ponyville to the core, resident Pegasus Fluttershy has inadvertently consumed an innocent insect. This tragedy comes as a complete shock to everypony as Fluttershy has always been known to adore and help creatures large and small.

“It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t mean to eat it!” quoted Fluttershy through tears, “It just flew into my mouth, honest!”

“I always thought she was a kind pony,” quoted insect rights activist Beatle Concentrate Made from Natural and Artificial Sweeteners, “But now I see her as another bug-eating pony who doesn’t care about innocent creatures!”

Close scientific analysis has estimated that this loss of life has brought the insect population in Ponyville down a startling .000000001% (rounded up). When asked for comment on the situation, Princess Celestia asked if we’d been working too hard and ponies across Equestria have questioned the EI’s journalistic integrity for running this story.

FREELANCE SECTION

Stories Written by You!

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EI RETRACTIONS

Our Bad

In issue #1 it was reported that neon blue apples were safe for pony consumption. The EI did not, however, state that they were unsafe for griffon consumption. We apologize for any griffon that consumed a neon blue apple and subsequently suffered a chemically-induced hallucination that they were a turtle.

In issue #2 the word Pegapodes was not included as a possible pluralization of the word Pegasus. Stop sending us letters about this. We really don’t care.

In issue #3 it was reported that Rainbow Dash should not be given a horn, that she liked dropping rocks from high altitudes and that she frequently destroyed roofs. This constituted an undue harassment of Rainbow and for that we apologize. The EI requests that she kindly stop dropping rocks on our office and breaking our roof as it’s getting expensive to fix.

In issue #4 the word “people” was used to describe citizens of Ponyville. This was a misprint that should have said “ponies.” The only humans, or “people,” in Ponyville are the staff members of the Equestria Inquirer and we are only here to stage a revolution and overthrow the authoritarian role of Princess Celestia and show ponies across Equestria the freedom that humanity can teach.

In issue #5 it was reported that the EI’s mission is to cause a democratic revolution. This was not supposed to be printed. It’s not true. Carry on.

PONY ADS

ISSUE #10 WILL BE

ALL-FREELANCE!

Submissions are now open for issue #10, the first EI All-Freelance Issue! In a tradition that goes back to the Gravy Inquirer, we are going to make an issue that is nothing but reader-submitted material. We will also have a SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT on issue #10. This will be a very exciting issue and week with extra-special content. Submit your material soon to get in on the fun and look for continual updates of the Equestria Inquirer!



Be here next Monday for issue #6! To submit freelance or feedback contact Joe Stevens at thenewjoestevens@gmail.com. If you are submitting for the All-Freelance Issue, please put All-Freelance in the subject line. To view issue #4, click here: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/09/equestrian-inquirer-issue-4.html.