[Sad]
Author: TuxRug
Description: Rainbow is devastated to learn that despite her best performance yet, she didn't pass the Wonderbolt tryouts. Incredibly distraught, she makes the worst decision any pony could. She survives, and learns more about friendship than she ever expected.Shattered Rainbow
Additional Tags: Depression, Friendship, Injury, Consequences, Uplifting
Story Two After the Break!
[Normal][Sad]
Description: Sequel to Shattered Rainbow. After Rainbow Dash is released from the hospital, she discovers that her friends haven't recovered as well as she has.Picking Up The Pieces
Additional Tags: Sad, uplifting, friendship, symbolism, blame
51 kommentaari:
Image is bjorked
VastaKustutaMore broken images, Description looks good
VastaKustutaImage derped, and I'm seeing it all over the blog.
VastaKustutaBlack background, white triangle and white ! within.
Baw. More broken images. What's going on?
VastaKustutaHm, this is the second broken image.
VastaKustutaYeah, like those guys above me.
Try opening the image until it works if it isn't showing. It's showing for me on this page, but other images are starting to break, guess you just need to refresh a few times.
VastaKustutaInteresting description though, will read it in a bit.
I do believe Celestia has banished our images to the moon.
VastaKustutaWasn't there a comic based on this concept?
VastaKustutaOh. So it's not my computer, then.
VastaKustutaPretty sure there was a fanfic called "Tough Love" that had the exact same premise.
VastaKustuta3 stars for effort though.
VastaKustutaCrud. What a quandry. Two stars seems too harsh. Especially since there are hardly any improper sentence structures and grammar issues. And it's really not such a bad fic. Three stars means "I liked it", which. . . I didn't.
VastaKustutaYeah, the image thing seems to be happening to a lot of blogs. Apparently it has something to do with picasa web albums?
VastaKustutaPersonally I think it's just Google finding out why Derpy shouldn't be in IT.
@banjo2E
VastaKustutaDammit. I knew it. Pinkie Pie breaks the fourth wall. Derpy breaks the third and stole some images, thinking she's in the fridge. Way to go, Derpy.
@banjo2E
VastaKustutaI think we all know why Derpy shouldn't be in IT. The disk player is NOT a muffin holder.
DAMMIT THE ART BUTTON IS GONE
VastaKustutaMedia button is gone for me. Media rhymes with Muffins. Right? >.>
VastaKustutaGot to agree with the other sentiments here. It's...not a bad fic, but there's already another fic (and comic) that did the exact same thing, and much better to boot.
VastaKustutaNo one was really out of character, and the grammar was solid, but the whole fic feels a little empty. And compared to the other one, Spitfire here is less "tough love, baby" and more "go and die in a fire." NOT something you can spin into a wonderful message of getting over yourself and coming back next year.
I'll be generous and give it a 3/5, if only because it really wasn't that bad. I've read much worse, but the idea's still been done much better.
NOPE.avi. Sorry. Don't buy it.
VastaKustutaDash fails early on in her first Wonderbolts tryouts (and the story outright states that she will have more chances in life to try again), and she decides on the spot to kill herself? I know she broke down emotionally in Sonic Rainboom, but having a BSoD from competition anxiety and going through with a suicide attempt aren't even in the same timezone.
For what it's worth, I liked how Spitfire was portrayed in this, and the ending with the necklace was a nice touch, but I just don't find the premise remotely believable. And, I'm sorry to say, Tough Love did the "Dash fails Wonderbolts tryouts" idea much better and much more believable.
Really, the way Spitfire handled it is NOT how you talk to a suicidal person.
VastaKustutaShit. I meant to say "I liked how Soarin was portrayed in this." I actually agree with the others regarding Spitfire's characterization.
VastaKustutaMy bad.
@Flutteryay
VastaKustutaMinus the suicide attempt.
Hey Dash, I'm Spitfire! Since you almost killed yourself after failing a test you could repeat in the future, I'm just going to emphasise that I'll NEVER let you take it again!
VastaKustutaYou know, just in case you don't have enough reasons to try the suicide thing again yet.
Yeah, that's pretty much how I experienced that part. I'm also wondering how multiple try-outs for the Wonderbolts work... They don't look like they need more members all that often.
I dunno. How many people are in the Blue Angels?
VastaKustuta@Unahim
VastaKustutaTotally agree, felt the same.
As for the rest, I have to say that it could have been much, much better, the theme has great potential. Dash was acting weird, the pacing was too fast, and failed to evoke any emotion really. The ending was sweet though, I really liked it. 3/5
For some reason i have a feeling i am going to cry when i read this!
VastaKustutaThank you all for all the feedback.
VastaKustutaThese comments are pretty much all very different from the comments I got on Fanfiction.net, and more along the lines that I was originally expecting. The FFn community must have different standards. I'll go ahead and touch on some of the common complaints I've seen here, and my thoughts about them (they're all valid though).
I knew that suicidal Rainbow Dash would be a common premise when I first thought of it, before I even got into reading much fan fiction. I wanted the story to focus on her realizing what she did to her friends and how much she nearly lost.
As for Spitfire, I hoped I was a little clearer with her motivations, but the general idea was that she really was angry with Rainbow Dash. Part of it, she spells out, the other part I intentionally made less obvious, but both Wonderbolts allude to it. Soarin's parting line is pretty much the closest I get to revealing the other motivation.
Also, regarding Rainbow's sudden, severe depression leading to her actions... I know I really could have done better with that. I know that it takes more than one little setback to cause someone to do something so drastic. Then again, sometimes personalities snap with almost no (obvious) provocation. I think most people have had days where one big but unimportant thing doesn't go well, and a very bad thoughts because of it. There's always something going on on the inside, even if there's nothing manifesting on the outside until it's too late.
Anyway, definitely keep the comments coming, both positive and negative. I'm reading all of them, and I really want to improve.
Also, since the images seem to be working now, how's the story image?
It isn't bad, just a little unrealistic. Hard to believe Dash would attempt to kill herself. Hard to believe the doctors and nurses would let Spitfire verbally assault a patient, let alone a suicide case. Hard to believe AJ wouldn't kick Spitfire's teeth out for doing it.
VastaKustutaI'm assuming the other "unspoken" motivation Spitfire had was Soarin also going suicidal on her way back, causing him to be grounded for months. At least I thought I read that in there pretty clearly.
VastaKustutaStill, that seems like a reason why Spitfire would be more, not less, understanding, and more aware of the great and immediate dangers of further pushing a suicidal patient into her depression.
I think something along the line of "You better shape up, train hard every day and make it into the Wonderbolts next time, so Soarin will know he saved you for something!" would be a more obvious and less unnatural course to follow.
Also, a side note not really meant as criticism: That next try-out is going to get very awkward with everyone there wondering if Dash will go suicidal again after a second rejection, and if she gets in everyone will wonder if that played any part in the decision :p
VastaKustutaI'm also having trouble just accepting the fact that Dash would be rejected at all. The Bolts have been continuously impressed with her whenver she managed to show off in front of her, especially after that second sonic rainboom. If she won that event there, I think the chance that there are 6 up and coming ponies more talented than her are slim.
Oh. My. Gawd.
VastaKustuta<>
Pinkie stopped with a resounding skid, and stood stock still, minus her tail.
"What is it? Twitchy tail?"
"No."
As soon as I read that, I said no too. Repeatedly. What the hell Rainbow? At least she didn't die. That was, incredibly powerful. Now, don't ever do it again.
Needs more sad. Not enough sad.
VastaKustutaKnowing what it is you're getting into by the description, this was good. Spitfire's reaction aside, (and I can see what she was trying to do but I agree that it was the wrong reaction to let Rainbow see just then) this was a pretty decent portrayal of the subject matter, and I say that as someone who'se lost a close friend to it.
VastaKustutaAlso, I did feel that Soarin's later statements about Spitfire do mollify and explain her reaction somewhat, and it would have come off far worse without it.
VastaKustutaI honestly must disagree with all the people who say that Spitfire's outburst was out of character or unbelievable. If you think about it, Dash just tried to give up after a single rejection and nearly took Soarin along with her. If we assume that the Wonderbolts are very close friends due to the precision, close proximity flying they do, then Spitfire is obviously feeling upset and angry about how Soarin nearly died and simply had an emotional meltdown when she found out that the one who caused it was the promising young filly that won the Best Young Flyer competition.
VastaKustutaIt's really not that hard to believe once you realize she's not acting rationally at that moment.
CONFOUND THESE PONIES.
VastaKustutai cry whenever i think about this.
YOU SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR RD
I don't think the reaction against spitfire's outburst is really mostly from the "it's out of character" side as the "that's a bad and risky way to deal with a person who has attempted suicide and by writing about suicide you are implicitly endorsing a way to deal with that very sensitive psychological situation."
VastaKustutaThese things are touchy subjects that affect a lot (too many) of people, and a certain level of sensitivity tends to be demanded.
One stupid move is all it takes.
VastaKustutaThis story is pretty well written. Too bad the writer's talent does not extend to crafting a believable premise. Suicide is not an emotional reaction to something upsetting. It usually comes either from extremely deep rooted trauma or a severe chemical imbalance. This would have become much more poignant with Dash suffering from a more realistic form of depression and self destructive behavior.
VastaKustutaI'M SICK OF PONIES LYIN', I'M SICK OF GRIFFONS HAWKIN'
VastaKustutaMATTER OF FACT....I'M SICK OF TALKIN'
*BANG*
ayyo Dash....AY YO DASH!!!!
(if you need context for this joke....omg, listen now - http://youtu.be/-6ChkExqv2E)
Wow... Trevor loved it... It didn't help that Trevor had the PMV of 'When She Loved Me' with Luna and Celes looping during both stories... One loved the overall idea, though one DID notice a rather noticeable improvement from story one to story two. There was much more attention to detail, which is what any good story should have. The audience needs to be shown, not told, and you did a rather great job of that the second story. One eagerly awaits what other stories you might have to share with us.
VastaKustuta~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
Kudos on listening to your feedback, good and bad, and improving on the initial story with this follow-up about healing and friendship. All the characters felt true to how they are in the show. Nice job.
VastaKustutaIf I recall, Part 1 was all right, but Part 2 was quite enjoyable to me. Thanks very much for the follow-up, TuxRug. :)
VastaKustutaAlso, as someone who has spent a LOT of time there, I can definitely say that quality standards at Fanfiction.net are VERY different. By which I mean, almost nonexistent. You have to write something completely incoherent before anyone will be out-and-out critical of your fic.
Hmm...honestly, I'm not terribly enamored with this story. Like Shattered Rainbow, there aren't any significant technical problems I can point to. It's story issues that prevent me from enjoying this fic.
VastaKustutaFirst of all, there's the structural setup: Rainbow goes around to each of her friends after her incident and they all have some sort of resolution. It feels almost as if you're running down a checklist, making sure each of the mane cast is included, without adding any new information that Applejack didn't already provide. The fact that Dash IS doing exactly that by design excuses this fact on a technical level, but doesn't change the reader perspective. Although somewhat justified in-story, having Dash go to each character sequentially and do the same thing (broadly speaking) over and over just gets dull.
The speed with which her friends come out of their respective funks seems unbelievable to me. I mean, AJ's been having increasingly terrifying nightmares for days, maybe weeks (I'm not quite sure how much time is supposed to have passed between stories). Yet all Rainbow needs to do is say, "Don't worry, I promise I won't kill myself any more!" and she drifts right off to blissful slumber. The other characters all seemed to have equally dramatic turnarounds. Now, I'm not saying that a little chat with Dash can't lift their spirits or reassure them or what have you, but it feels like all it takes is a few lines of dialogue and all the mental and emotional anguish of watching a friend try to commit suicide right in front of you is just...gone. That sort of emotional elasticity took me right out of the story multiple times as I was reading.
Again, I have no complaints about the writing or editing from a technical standpoint. Good job on that--creating something readable and proficient is half the battle.
There is one more thing I took exception to, but I'm not sure if it's an issue for other readers, and so hesitate to list it. I am fortunate enough never to have had to deal with suicidal tendencies, either in myself or among my circle of close friends. Given that, I may not be qualified to speak on the matter. However, the way Dash's friends all seem to be in such a hurry to ask her if they did something wrong, if it's somehow their fault that she did what she did, strikes me as incredibly selfish. It seems like a way to take a personal issue, a personal tragedy, and make it all about oneself. I'm sure that all her friends were trying to be considerate, but I can't help but feel that, were I in Dash's shoes, having my friends all trying to figure out what THEY did that made me act the way I did would feel to me like they were trying to strip away my personal responsibility, like they were trying to cut me out of my own life.
I'm not sure I phrased that coherently, and maybe other readers have no issue with it, but I felt that I should bring it up, as long as I'm typing this out. Whether my instinctive feelings on the matter are correct or not, I DID react negatively to the way her friends all jumped straight past 'what's wrong' to 'what did I do wrong.'
I will say this: you've made improvement since Shattered Rainbows. Spitfire's role in that story (as others have already expressed) did not come across as 'tough love' or as anything else other than emotionally abusing an already fragile ego, Dash's suicide was not well set up (I probably could have bought the premise of 'Dash commits suicide after failing a wonderbolts tryout,' but it came so abruptly that I didn't ever understand why she was doing it), and so on; other commenters have covered this ground already. You are assuredly getting better; keep writing!
Y'know, I've read through a lot of these "Dash fails to enter the Wonderbolts" stories, and I have to say... it always rings slightly false. I just find it hard to believe she'd fail. Her best performance ever, and there are still six other ponies better than her? Wha? How on Earth can there be that many ponies better than her? She doesn't even pass the first round? Might've been nice to make clear exactly what she did wrong. I'm curious.
VastaKustutaPersonally, I'd like to imagine a story where, rather than being accepted or outright flopping, Dash is told that she is, in fact, TOO good for the Wonderbolts. Spitfire would tell her that in an airshow like theirs, all members need to operate as a team, none of them overshadowing the rest. It wouldn't be fair to the others, what with Rainbow's incredible move set and speed. Hell, even her contrail is distinctive. All eyes would inevitably turn to her. She'd be the star of a show that isn't meant to have a single star. The only alternative would be for Dash to hold herself back to suit the others, which wouldn't be fair to her. It'd contradict the ethics the Wonderbolts stand for. So, ironically, Dash's very success would be the source of her dream being... well, dashed. How would she take that? On the one hand, it's a tremendous compliment. On the other, well... she's never going to wear that uniform, and a primary goal which has guided her life thus far has been neutralized. Now that'd be an interesting character study.
Which is not to say this isn't a solid story! It was engaging, and it did get me thinking, which is a good sign.
If only to counter all the negative feedback (Come on guys! What is this- I had nicer criticism on MY sad fic and it's MUCH worse! XD) I really liked the idea behind the story and where it was headed, I just felt as if it was too... messy. It also needed a MUCH better ending. :P Could you add another part that resolves the whole RD/Wonderbolts conflict for me? You cn't just have Spitfire and Soarin show up as they did and then not have any other wonderbolt related scenes. XD
VastaKustutaAnyway, good job with the idea- it's obvious that you could make an excellent writer, you just need to plan out and organize your stories better.
My two bits,
-AdmiralCubie
@Joe England
VastaKustutaI see what you mean; it's a little hard to imagine your favourite characters not being 'The Best' at whatever they do. And Rainbow's one of the few in the show who've actually had to put their talents up in direct competition against another. Rarity hasn't met other actual designers yet, Fluttershy hasn't met other animal caregivers, we only know one party pony, and Applejack isn't in a farm-off. (The Iron Pony and Running of the Leaves aren't actual apple-bucking events.) The only other one who's had an actual competition in her area is Twilight, and she's generally accepted as pretty powerful.
That said, it's interesting to think of how a pony might have to fare when he or she does come up short in something. Granted, things can get weird, or in this case scary, but still. And one of those 'Rainbow fails' fics has it because the Bolts never let in first-timers, anyway.
@Joe England
VastaKustutaPlenty of reasons to assume Dash wouldn't get into the Wonderbolts.
In Tough Love they failed all first time attendees just to get a measure of how they deal with failure, which is something that canonically Dash is very bad at handling.
Rainbow also generally doesn't act mature enough to handle the type of responsibility that would be required of her in an aeronautics team, nor does she usually like doing things where she doesn't get the spotlight and/or get by relying only on herself.
tl;dr: She's undoubtedly got the skill, but not the mindset.
@TenchiFreak5
VastaKustutaI strongly agree with this, I view her as being rejected based on the fact that she would be a star, not a team player.
Cannon sets up that she cant handle losing. Getting angry, resorting to cheating ect. It also sets up that she was lazy and likes to nap often, which could cause problems in a team. When she skirts responsibility to sleep on a cloud.
The last question I have is age. They are clearly not children, but other ponies just feel like they are older than the main cast. Not sure how to explain it. maybe she needs to mature more?
tl:dr good work! please continue writing, look forward to more good stories. Maybe work a little more on story immersion.
A decent conclusion that redeems many of the flaws of the first chapter. It took me a while to get to this because I wasn't sure if you would take it in the right direction, but you certainly did in the end.
VastaKustutaIt felt maybe a bit short, and I kinda wish a bit more time was spent with each of Dash's friends, but it hit all the right notes.
Gasp: Soarin was healing on the ground for six months.
VastaKustutaGasp: Soarin knows this pain.
Spitfire, your anger is understandable.