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Author: Filly the Kid
Description: For Centuries the Equestrians have kept a tentative peace with their human neighbors to the north... until the prince of the kingdoms decides to run away.Story currently being rebuilt
Additional Tags: Fantasy, Ponies, Medieval, War, Magic
13 comments:
Looks interesting. Will read!
ReplyDeletei dont like the idea of humans in equestria and mlp
ReplyDeleteThey why bother commenting? Just skip it. Not every post is meant for everyone.
ReplyDeleteYeesh. Almost as bad as people who post in a public forum just to say they don't know the answer to something and nothing else.
If there's war involved shouldn't there be a [Grimdark-War] tag on this?
ReplyDeleteEh... Hhm... human OC... though it's good that he isn't a mary-su, he has faults, the main cast acts a bit out of character (Fluttershy in particular I think), I'm not too fond of this style of story composition either but that's a personal thing. I do like that contrast of how the humans and ponies live and the fact that the humans are technologically behind the ponies is a nice touch. I think the time skip in the fifth chapter came too soon, there should have been more development of Alistair's relations with the other ponies.
ReplyDeleteThe Title: Does it happen to relate to the book I'm thinking of?
ReplyDeleteWhen I think "Allistair" and "Prince" both at the same time, I somehow get a Dragon Age vibe from the story.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that throws that off is the lack of Grimdark/War tags.
The story is......okay.
ReplyDeleteThe plot has several interesting points that I'm looking forward to resolving, the protagonist is reasonably well rounded and enjoyable to read about and most of all he undergoes growth as a character. Nothing glaring that I noticed on the grammar front.
Now for the negatives, the story seems absurdly rushed. Alistair's relationships in particular. Jacob is insanely loyal, busting him out of prison then searching for Alistair after his father is murdered but we're never given a glimpse into why they seem to have such a bond. Those actions go well beyond mere service to a liege. Alistair and Twilight(the rest of the mane 6 to a lesser extent) other than the first teaching lesson we're shown nothing of how they became friends and the struggles Alistair may have had. Finally Celestia, Alistair seemed way too quick to trust someone he's grown up learning to mistrust and possibly even hate. Doubt and wariness in that relationship should have abounded especially in conjunction with grandfather in the dream. More internal struggle over which face of the princess is true, that of what he learned in Steelholme and grandfather claims or what he has been exposed to while in Equestria.
In short, lots of potential in this story that is falling just short of being realized.
Oooo you definitely get some bonus points though for documenting the history of the human kingdoms on your DA page. Nice bit of fleshing out of the the world where all these events are occurring.
ReplyDeleteA very rushed job. There is barely any time to know the characters and all seem forced. While I enjoy the idea of Ponies meeting Humans, the way this story was constructed... I just simply don't bought it.
ReplyDeleteAlso blueblood... if he is so incompetent, why make him the diplomat? I mean, there is a difference between egotistic and pure idiotic and I don't think Blueblood would ever be this imbecile. There is one thing how he acted with a Filly in a party and other how he would act in a diplomatic mission with another King.
Why he would believe they were not royalty?
Why he would jeopardy the mission in such a blatant manner after making a vouch of loyalty?
Why sneer at the son of the person he pleged temporal loyalty?
Why would Celesita, I don't know, use the Sun to create a drought, elevate temperatures to near insoportable levels or do something else to break the human Kingdom? If she can raise the sun, she should be able to manipulate it at least in this manner instead of going "full war" approach.
The rest of the mane cast... well, it doesn't feel a real friendship. I can read it and say "Woah, what strong friendship". There just seems to be a card saying "Now they are friends" and keep rolling to the next plot point. I don't know, seems to fake to be taked seriously.
All in all, I would say it needs work. Need to flesh out characters, the Kingdoms, the relationships and give time so the reader can start feeling empathy for the characters and their plights. For example, I would not feel anything if suddendly Alistair drop dead and would be replaced with his lost twin brother, because there is no sense of loss, a thing that make's him unique and irreplaceable.
And advice: create a backgroudn for the characters and the setting before writting the story, in this way you would be able to map better the pacing and the feel of the story.
1/10.
I thought this was going to be story about a mentally retarded pony who accidentally kills someone and then is murdered by his best friend 'mercy-killing' style.
ReplyDeleteWhy doesn't this have a [Human in Equestria] tag?
ReplyDeleteWhat RainbowDat said, there are lots of HIE stories or humans in the stories, but they do not have that "Humans" tag.
ReplyDelete