[Random][Normal][Comedy]
Author: Macon Mixx
Description: Star Swirl is, quite literally, an earth pony among unicorns. One of the youngest members of Celestia's court, she struggles to find her place among the elite of Equestria. For years, she has questioned what it means to be a royal pony and whom she is actually descended from, with little to show for it. But now that Luna has returned to Equestria, Star Swirl will finally get some answers and make some great new friends along the way!
Her Illustrious Highness
Additional Tags: court intrigue racism origins angry!Luna
69 kommentaari:
97th!
VastaKustutaRacism ?!?!?!?!
VastaKustutaWill read for angry!Luna
Racism in Equestria is lawlz.
VastaKustutaIn our world its only based on appearance.. but in Equestria Earth ponies really are inferior to everyone else.
Anypony got a link to one of those Soviet-esque posters with Earth ponies= proletariat?
VastaKustutaOh, was this inspired by that Starlight Swirl comic from a few days ago? o.o
VastaKustutaI'll have to get around to reading this when I can..
@Florentine I definitely hope so! Seems interesting, I'll check this one out!
VastaKustutaI do enjoy me some pony racism
VastaKustutaEverypony is racist sometimes, even if they don't go around committing hate crimes!
VastaKustutaNot bad, but it felt a little, I dunno, brief? It felt like this was almost the setup for a multi-part story, but then I got to the end, and it's just "Whoops, show's over."
VastaKustutaYou're a little bit racist!
VastaKustutaWell you're a little bit too!
*Hoof claps*
VastaKustutaVery well done, I could feel all the tension. I could see the scenes, I I knew what was coming but I didn't really care. Marks of a good author, reminded me of my years in the SCA and the back biting and stupidity.
A little light on the random and comedy there.
VastaKustutaUh, Seth, you know there are several dA links given right?
VastaKustutaBravo, this was definetly worth reading. A "pride and prejudice with ponies" if I've ever seen one. Simply engaging, with charchters worth caring about. I admit, at first reading the oc pony tag, I was highly skeptical, but I feel you've managed to over come that. But the ending definetly put me off, the whole pony genisis thing, coupled with Luna's overwillingness to help the main charchter make it feel a bit rushed. But a good story nonetheless.
VastaKustuta"She had recently discovered that clopfics could be... nice"
VastaKustutalulz
Me no get references. Can someone list them?
VastaKustuta~Appletank
You have an obligation to bronydom to continue the adventures of Star Swirl, good sir. I will have none of this "Complete" nonsense.
VastaKustutaI agree with others that feel the ending is a bit rushed/another few chapters are needed. Otherwise I found it to be quite the intriguing story.
VastaKustutaThe ending was rather abrupt and felt a little rushed, still, it was a wonderful story. I hope you write more bout Star Swirl, I would love to see her revisited.
VastaKustutaVery well done, I enjoyed that. It was short, but it fulfilled its purpose well, and I felt there was no waffling or padding involved. Like the other commenters, I think perhaps you could've expanded this into a far longer story if you'd wished, but the scene-by-scene of Star Swirl's court life was easy to digest.
VastaKustutaI'd also like to read more about your Star Swirl!
VastaKustutaIt was a little rushed, but as the ending of a first part of an ongoing story, I think it works; it sets the stage for a serial where Swirl works on actually effecting the changes, adjusts to her new responsibilities (especially with an undercurrent of being compared to other royals/treated differently because of the events of the climax) and the minor characters' stories are expanded upon.
Oh, wait, I figured out your problems: You were doing phenomenal until SUDDENLY LUNA SOLVES EVERYTHING. It would be a gazillion times better if Luna does just enough to let Star Swirl start working on fixing things herself first, then you can make her vice princess of governorship and happily ever after when she does something big like legalize gay marriages or something. You could also hold off on some of those big revelationatory secrets for later and stuff.
VastaKustutaReally, up until a quite literal Deus Ex Machina, it was going great. It would be a better story if Star Swirl actually did something to earn a better place for herself, rather than having everything suddenly given to her on a silver platter. Since you can change your story if you want to, keep in mind the possibility of completely changing or getting rid of some of the stuff that happened at the party.
Spoilers ahead for the lazy
VastaKustutaI liked the story quite a bit. I grew to like Star Swirl and her quirks and found her to be endearing. The only problem I had was at the end.
It seemed rushed, like you just wanted to get it over with. Also, there was a mixed message. The start of the story built up the idea that the protagonist was a more 'humble' and 'common' sort of pony, and despite this, still had a place not because of her blood but because of her love for her people. But Luna's meeting more or less shattered that, saying she had purest bloodline and she was most suitable after all.
Maybe Im over analyzing things...
Oha, i hope this one doesn't go the typical american-b-comedy-movie pattern:
VastaKustuta- X is friendly and helpfull, but poor
- X becomes powerfull and rich, but promises (s)he would be allways there for old friends
- X gets many new friends, all rich and sbobby
- X becomes snobby and forgets old friends
- BIG CRASH! X loses all the power and money
- BIG DEPRESSION! Rich and snobby friends drop X
- Old friends come back and help X
- HAPPY END! X becomes rich and powerfull again, but not snobby. Helps old friends and resist temptation to snobby 'friends'
Very nice! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this ^^
VastaKustutaThough, I must say... It felt quite rushed at the end there. In my opinion, it would've benefited from being dragged out a little bit longer, from right after Luna gets angry and 'till Swirl gets her title.
My mind thinks that it would've been better flow-wise that she got her title later, but I can't figure out a way to do so wihtout having to rewrite (instead of just add) a lot of stuff.
Say, is there any chance for a followup? I'd totaly read it. ^^
-The Jack
Holy crap that was awesome! Great story! I'd love a follow up! Also it read like an epsiode
VastaKustutafelt a bit rushed. but oh it was a blast to read, you bet i was laughin and jumpin when Luna got mad.
VastaKustuta<3
Really good story imo. Though I wouldn't say earth ponies are inferior exactly, but in the setting Star Swirl is in they may be since they can't do what they're good at.
VastaKustutaReally liked reading this, and some times in that story i just wantet to jump into it and punch those snobby royal ponies in THA FACE!
VastaKustutaI got to agree with most of the things on here, it was built up nice, but runs into a Luna-Ex-Machina at the end. She never really had her neck out for anything, short of rumors being thrown around about her lineage. Would have been nicer maybe if she tried to drag Lady Violet into public court for slander, or do some "horsetrading" to try and solve her problems, rather than just victimising her way out of it. But you got a nice world building setup here, and I had for it not to go to use. Nice job.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaPony, buddy, where you been?
The term is Asian-Equestrian!
Gotta agree with many other posters.
VastaKustutaNice read, ending a little too fast and too deus ex machina.
ALso, Celestia and Luna were held captive by unicorns when they were fillies and didn't yet know the full extent of their power... And they made the pony races way before that. They had the power to create life from scratch, and yet they were, at some point long after that, prisoners? How does that work? Most unicorns only have a little magic, to quote Twilight.
Personally, I would go the route to not have them be goddesses at all, but that's obviously personal preference. I know the fandom likes to call them that, not that I understand why.
Reading this got me to thinking. What sort of counting system do the ponies have? Would it be base-4 because of their four hooves? Or do they maintain a base-10 system from the lost days like the train engine and hammers?
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaIt's been done, Prometheus and whatnot, so they can still make mistakes.
The orgin-story could use some "Forget that ever happened' but your characters are enjoyable, and Wrath of Goddess seems an acceptable DEM since the offending ponies were right in front of her.
VastaKustutaI beg of you, make this a longer running story, these characters are too awesome for a oneshot.
@Anonymous, Wow! That is a major hole in the plot! (I can't say plot hole because that has come to mean something else in this crazy fan community... Ha!) As far as I know, you were the first to see it. Congrats! You have a great eye for that kind of thing.
VastaKustuta@Everypony in general, I have a sequel in mind, but I wanted this story to be able to stand on its own four hooves. Now that I know everyone enjoyed Her Illustrious Highness so much, I think I am going to get started on it. :)
Also, you can find this on Deviant Art (http://mlpMaconMixx.deviantart.com/) or on FIMfiction.com if you prefer those formats! I guess Sethisto didn't share the links because he didn't want to clutter things up.
Ye gods of chaos, why does everyone insist on painting Celestia's court and pony society in general as racist towards earth ponies? Seriously people, at the gala there were lots of earth ponies, so i would suppose they are part of country's elite as well. But nooo, let's make it moar GRIMDAAAARK.
VastaKustutaThis is fantastic!! Please, keep it going keep it going keep it going keep it going keep it going...
VastaKustutaI've never wanted a fic to be 6 stars before, but this is it. Here, you can quote me:
VastaKustuta"Effortlessley funny"
"Worth every bit for the ticket"
"I paid for the whole seat but i only needed- THE EDGE"
I can't wait for the sequel.
@Macon I'm sorry, but this story stands on three hooves. Honestly, I feel that the ending is horrible and amateurish. You built a top-notch story, but the ending feels like you suddenly decided to arbitrarily drop an ok-enough ending in. In fact, from your comments it does seem like that's exactly what you've done.
VastaKustutaThere's nothing wrong with releasing a story in chapters instead of completely finished and perfect. Some of the world's best and most famous authors used to do so hundreds of years ago in newspapers, and even earlier still surely. As much as I want to praise everything you did right, I don't think you're getting the message that THAT ENDING WAS PATHETIC AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
Hold yourself to higher standards, please, since you're clearly more than capable of doing so.
@Anonymous Thanks for this comment. When I start writing the sequel, I promise to reread it at the beginning and end of every chapter! Here is hoping that the second part of this story will redeem the first.
VastaKustutaI expect to finish the story I am currently working on before school begins again, and then the sequel to Her Illustrious Highness before the second season starts airing. If you want to get on board with this, email me. I would definitely take you on as a pre-reader. It's maconmixx at gmail dot com. In fact, anyone who is interested is welcome to drop me a line. Ideally, I would like to have two or three people look over it before I publish.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaYou are obviously unhappy with the ending, however you didn't specify what it is that you find so objectionable. You merely threw about disparaging comments; Perhaps if you were to clarify your grievances in a more objective way, we as well as the author might gain some valuable insights. Was it too sudden? Too predictable? Just saying "it's bad" isn't all that helpful, not to mention very discouraging.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaNinja'd I am by the author himself.
Please do not take my post as an attempt to stir up any drama; The author quite obviously found your post indeed helpful, and that was my main concern. Feel free to ignore what I wrote before.
Well done! This was an enjoyable read and you made the characters and story quite enjoyable!
VastaKustuta@Macon The ending was really well written. It was emotional and fun and satisfying and grammatically correct and a kitchen sink (in a good way). The problem was that the ending wasn't good storytelling. Suddenly the story lost the story-ness? I don't know how to describe it, there are some other comments that do a better job than I can.
VastaKustutaYou really should be proud of everything that you've written. IMHO, I'm just plain bad at giving compliments and criticism, so I tend to make big, clumsy statements and hope my opinions aren't too foolish or offensive. I'm really very humbled that you would ask me to pre-read for you, but again I'm just not very good at this commenting stuff.
@Anonymous Ha! Sorry about that! You aren't the only pony I've ninja'd today! :P
VastaKustutaI appreciate your post too, though! The encouragement is definitely welcome. I couldn't deal with that kind of criticism as well if I wasn't also getting a healthy dose of encouragement from bronies like you!
Really, everyone who has left comments on here has been great. You all have made my day!
I really like this story, we never really see how Equestria runs just snippets of Celestia rushing off to some event or disaster with a bunch of guards in tow.
VastaKustutaThe only problem I had was Star Swirl went from Her Illustrious Highness to Her Serene Highness and knight. But you said her ex patron was a Prince Minor and said he was fairly high up. Well Luna can order anyone to bequeath land to someone else I get the sense that Star Swirl just got made higher rank then Blueblood but I am not really sure as its not really clear what her rank is.
This story was a great read, I fully enjoyed it. Star swirl being the only earth pony made for interesting commentary your chosen antagonists relished upon like carrion. Luna was the icing on this wonderful cake of a story bravo!
VastaKustutaThis was an awesome story! I really like your style, nobility is so silly!
VastaKustutaThe story was great, the ending, not so much.
VastaKustutaIt felt like "Welp, show's over!" and that's it.
I feel allot more could've been added, like Cajun Dish' reaction to Luna teleporting into the kitchen and wanting to try his dishes, or anything else really. It all builds up and then it just ends.
This really leaves me wanting for more.
"You have an obligation to bronydom to continue the adventures of Star Swirl, good sir. I will have none of this "Complete" nonsense."
VastaKustutaI echo this sentiment. Although I do agree it was a bit too much Deus Luna Machina, but then again, angry Luna is badass enough that I can almost forgive that.
@Anonymous (from 4:04 PM )
VastaKustutaEh, I think you're confusing fanon with canon, because no official source ever said the princesses were held captive by unicorns. Just saying.
This story was really awesome, but I have to agree with the echoes of comments about the ending. Very Deus ex machina.
VastaKustutaHmm I wonder if the author still needs a Star Swirl toy?
I dunno. I really liked most of this story. Possibly even loved it. It even had Prince Douche, ruining everyone's day once again and being called on it.
VastaKustutaBut even before the "Luna Solves Everything" ending, a couple of lines of dialog really stuck out to me that made me outright uncomfortable with the story and the implications that they carried (and I won't name them because I'm certain they would probably derail this comments page), and then the "Luna Solves Everything" ending happened. Basically, it was a 5/5 story that turned into a 3/5
@cameronstalker
VastaKustuta(btw I convinced Seth to change the image from Celestia to a Star Swirl fanart :))
Personally I very much enjoyed this, though I admit I lean towards agreement with the "rushed ending" crowd, I didn't find it that bad. As another poster pointed out, Luna's intervention was justified since it was happening pretty much right in front of her.
VastaKustutaAlso question, did you come up with the rules and ranks of the royalty/nobility of the court on your own, or did you base it off an actual system, like say, the British Royal family? Props if the former, but in any case, do you have a complete reference list for noble ranks, protocols and etc.?
@cameronstalker Thank you so much for having Seth change the picture! The drawfriend you guys used really is perfect. I would have submitted it myself if I had known!
VastaKustutaAlso, that Star Swirl toy is still needed. There is a place for her on my shelf... and in my heart. Just sayin'.
@Spiritus Arcane I did come up with it. I'm glad you liked it! I am going to write about it on a Google doc, because that will give me more space to geek out. :D
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aSQDcfd8lpnu11scfQqcjGhTG90GYTGL-OExh6A9_zM/edit?hl=en_US
@TenchiFreak5 I've been really thinking about how to make this better in the second story. Originally, there was only an idea of a second story, but no actual plan to write one. After reading all of these comments, though, I think I see how I can really redeam myself and also add more pony to the world, and so I am going to go for it.
The major complaint has been that Luna just stepped in a solved everypony's problems, and Star Swirl herself never got a chance to shine. Other issues include the fact that Luna may have told Star Swirl *way* too much, or the fact that nothing was really solved, Luna just scared the hay out of everypony. But these complaints... these are the elements of conflict that I need to start on a new story.
I already have the first two chapters pretty well outlined, but want to make sure I have a complete arc before I actually start the writing process. I learned from my first attempt at fanfic that you have to know where you're going before you start out! Also, I had already begun on a different story before this one was posted on EqD, so I will probably finish that first. However, you guys will get more Star Swirl. That's a Pinkie Pie Promise. :)
This is an amazing story. I'm almost rendered speechless. I'm glad that you'll be continuing with Star Swirl. Writing fan fictions without the constraints of the mane six is refreshing, isn't it?
VastaKustutaAlso, to remark on some of the earlier comments, I couldn't have seen a better way to resolve the issue than with Luna. In fact, I was expecting it because of the way her character is. If Luna hadn't stepped in, I would have been a little upset at her, and the thought of being upset at Luna makes me sad.
@Macon Luckily, I live in Europe. So if I spot the Rarity gem carriage pack with Star Swirl, ill keep you in mind! :)
VastaKustutaI liked it. A lot. A whole lot.
VastaKustutaBut then it ended.. suddenly, abruptly. And I was a sad pony.
Still, I thought it was marvelous until the end, and would have loved to see this story go much, much longer.
(And mind you, the end didn't bother me in it's content (As you have stated you needed things to happen the way they did. And quite honestly, the way they did did not bother me), more in it's suddenness and pace).
Loved the story, would love to see more of your writing. Mebbe I should be on the lookout for some kind of toy pony I seem to have seen mentioned.
Wow, that's Mary Sue on the face of it.
VastaKustutaI really liked it. I'm going to go a different route and say that I kind of liked that it ended quickly. I'm a little tired of gigantic 18-part epics that drag on and on, and I want something short and sweet. A little more would have been great but this was a good length in general imo.
VastaKustutaIntense. Don't suppose we could get a follow-up of some kind? The further adventures of Star Swirl?
VastaKustuta@Macon
VastaKustutaHi there, I mentioned i'd be on the look out for that Star Swirl doll for you? Well, you're in luck :)
Give me some contact information and i'll talk it over with you!
Thanks so much Ignaesia! But I finally found one on-line in September and literally *just* got my Star Swirl doll in the mail! In fact, I haven't even gotten to open it yet! I am pretty sure that's what it is, though, because it will be the only package I've ever gotten from France by way of Germany and Belgium! But now that I have my muse here to guide me, and now that the new Luna episode is out (which is what I was really waiting for) I can start on my new Star Swirl stories. Yay! :D
VastaKustuta@Macon Mixx
VastaKustutaWow, that's so cool Macon! Congrats!
Guess that means I get to keep this Star Swirl doll then. I can think of worse things that could happen :)
Glad you finally got her!
I don't think the end was abrupt at all! Macon points out in the beginning that royals don't have a special talent, and that Swirl is an earth pony among unicorns. So when she finds out her talent for connecting the princesses to common ponies, I saw it as a good resolution.
VastaKustutaNot that there isn't room for a sequel. There's plenty of that. I just wanted to say that this story stands well on it's own.
I try not to hand out 5 star ratings too often, I save it for the stories that I can just sit and think about for hours. But I just couldn't find it in myself to rate this as a 4. Great work!
I'm not sure why I never wrote about this before, but I wanted to point out my own take on the ending, which has attracted some criticism. Star Swirl's talent is connecting with the common pony. The impromptu petition-gathering was her defining moment, the thing she could pull off nopony else could.
VastaKustutaIt would've been grand to watch her draw strength from the trust vested in her and somehow leveraging that strength to overcome all the difficulties, all the mean and evil-minded nobles that would step on her. Maybe it would've been the more satisfying ending. But I also like the thought that the Princesses of Equestria have their act together - that they will recognize the efforts of a valiant pony, and intervene on their behalf when they have - figuratively - jumped five walls after running for days in the desert, only to stop short inches of scaling the sixth.
If you try long enough, and hard enough, and earnest enough, you will pull through - even if you get help on the last inches of the way, you've earned that help, too. You don't have to go everything alone.
That's how I took the ending, for what it's worth. I won't say that it couldn't have been any other way, but the way it was, it worked for me.
Now where the hell is my sequel.
All I have to say is while rushed, the ending fits well with her character. It would have been great to see her standing up to the bullies and getting her way that way, but it simply is not in her. Up until she got that dress she made her way by not making any waves. This is shown when she is followed by the crowd to the shop. The only attention she is used to would be bad. Talking from experience that sort of person doesn't always have the backbone to stand up to four bullies at once. Quite frankly if Luna hadn't stepped in when she did Swirl would have ran from the castle crying.
VastaKustutaI have to give this a 5/5 simply for the angry!Luna part. Keep writing these and I will keep reading them.