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Author: Stormy Seas
Description: The two-day festival celebrating the coming of the new year is approaching and everypony is busy making their plans. However, when Luna decides to give all of Equestria a potentially dangerous gift she asks the Elements of Harmony to assist her in her task. Together the seven of them set off in search of something that Luna is convinced will remove the threat of another Nightmare. But a family secret, kept hidden and silent by Celestia for centuries, has returned and may prove to be more than they can overcome. If they can not then Equestria may be denied the greatest of all gifts.The Greatest Gift Part 1
The Greatest Gift Part 2
The Greatest Gift Part 3 (New!)
Additional Tags: Adventure, Redemption, Long, Conflict, Opposing Elements
20 comments:
:D
ReplyDeleteIncomplete tag would normally scare me, but not this time.
ReplyDeletethe greatest gift of all? NOOOOOOOOTTTTTHHHHHIIIIIINNNNGGG!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that this is really interesting. I really want the story to be updated at a quick pace so I can know who and what that crippled stalker pony is.
ReplyDeleteSo much Luna lately.
ReplyDeleteBest. Description. Ever.
ReplyDeleteI swore I'd never start on another unfinished (long) story... but maybe I'll just take a peek.
looks promising, looks like im gonna get caught up in another 20+ chapter fic again!
ReplyDeleteOk, that was a good read. Time for some feedback ^^
ReplyDeleteI liked the idea of taking the first scene from Ego's comic! Such homages should be done more often in the FiM community. For those who want a link, you can find the actual comic here.
The prose was a bit too purple at the beginning for my tastes: until around half of chap1, it felt like the important details were swimming in a sea of elaborate adjectives and overworked phrases. IMHO words are only an instrument to convey plot and emotions, not the goal itself: so whenever you can, KISS (keep it simple stupid). However, I noticed this problem had subsided in the second half of the chapter, so you may have caught up about that on your own ^^
Not to mention, the diplomatic scene was very well done, so allow me to reword: it's good to have a large vocabulary (much so in fact), it's just not required to show it off all the time when simpler words would work just as well.
I'm missing some proper spacing between paragraphs (and change of speaker in dialogues). Having some blank half-lines is really good to increase readability, a indentation of the first line just isn't the same.
While I'm OK with the princesses expressing themselves in formal prose, it didn't seem the case in the dining room scene, until at least the tension between the two became apparent, that is to say, probably a mention of how the two are being... stiff in each other's presence would have been appreciated earlier, before dialogue took place.
Plus, the 'wallow' joke falls short for the same reason, it just doesn't fit a thousand-year-old queen.
I'm also missing body language during dialogues (specially the dining room one), the faces they do, the reactions as seen on their bodies: again, you seem to have fixed that by the diplomatic scene, so just remember to keep it in mind for your next chapters ^^
Also, it feels weird to me to have the reaction of a character positioned in the other's line. It would feel better to me to place it at the beginning of his/her own line of dialogue.
What I meant is, from this:
“Our sources are well paid for their services and it is understood that trickery or deception is a most abhorrent crime.” Celestia’s smile faded just a bit.
“No doubt examples can be cited.” The dragon chortled.
“Words without action are hollow and powerless.”
To this:
“Our sources are well paid for their services and it is understood that trickery or deception is a most abhorrent crime.”
Celestia’s smile faded just a bit. “No doubt examples can be cited.”
The dragon chortled. “Words without action are hollow and powerless.”
A written letter, like in Luna's case, is often rendered in italics, or with a change of font entirely (often to a faux-handwriting one). Again, for more efficient readability.
So, summing up, this is definitely a promising fic from a promising author, and it definitely interests me to see where it is going. Wish you luck for your next chapters, Stormy Seas! ^^
@Tosxychor
ReplyDeleteGreat critique!
I just started reading chapter 2, Red Vs Blue reference in the first paragraph. The author has excellent taste in his online videos!
ReplyDeleteWhy does Luna look like Nightmare moon now?
ReplyDeletehrmph, I'm going to get destroyed. thats no fun.
ReplyDeleteWill I at-least put up a fight...?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Discord
ReplyDeleteWho says there's going to be a fight? Maybe we'll all just end being friends. ;)
@Specter Von Baren
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming you're talking about the pic, and that would be one part of the comic that the opening scene is taken from.
@Stormy Seas
ReplyDeleteNo. I was talking about in the actual story where they confused her appearance for Nightmare Moon.
Also... The second chapter... feels weird. The interaction between Luna and the others feels... off. Luna switches between being remorseful and being kind of bitter a bit too quickly in short amounts of time and the reactions of the main six felt off as well. Luna only got to terrorize them for one day almost a year ago. Rainbow Dash extended her hoof to the buffalo even after she was angry with them because they gave her a good reason for their troubles. Rarity admires people of elegance and is very generous of her time and also polite. Fluttershy is very kind, she faced down a manticore that was roaring at her to see if she could help it at all. Nightmare Moon may have been behind their accidents on the way to the Elements of Harmony but she barely interacted with them outside of her first appearance and when she was finally beaten. All of the ponies have shown a willingness to forgive and forget people that showed they honestly were sorry. It just feels... wrong.
@Specter Von Baren
ReplyDeleteI see what you're getting at now. My mistake. I'll have to go back and add a little something to better explain their initial reaction and maybe explain the triggers Luna is responding to a bit more. There is also a reason for their more negative reactions that wasn't supposed to be included in this chapter. However if it helps the flow then I can go back and make the addition. I added two scenes to the first chapter after my first submission after all.
Hhm... You need a beta for this. I could offer my services if you wish.
ReplyDelete@Specter Von Baren
ReplyDeleteEach one has been through at least three reviewers over on ponychan, but I never turn down offered help.