[Grimdark][Shipping] I usually avoid Grimdark like the plague, but due to reasons completely out of my control, I gave it a shot anyway. I was completely hooked after just two chapters, and the nightly roundup ended up an hour late because of it! This story is just straight up awesome. Anyway have a pre-reader quote too!
"A terrifying suspenseful and gripping tale, portraying the sinister side of magic" - Pre-reader with a WoW name.
Author: Adcoon
Description: During the festivities of the Fabulous Fabled Filly Fair held in the village of Dappleshore, Twilight Sparkle stumbles upon something from her family's past and is drawn to investigate its dark ties to her. Will she succumb to its sinister power, and will Trixie and Luna be able to set their differences aside to help her when her friends are gone?Fillystata
Additional Tags: Ancestor, Lovecraft, Possession, Sacrifice
Story Two Links After the Break!
[Adventure][Grimdark][Sad][Shipping]
Author: Adcoon
Description: Trixie finds herself haunted by strange nightmares, and begins to question whether she let Twilight down in Dappleshore. When her dreams filter through to the waking world, she finds herself scrambling for answers. But how far will her search take her, and can she face the reflection in the mirror?Mare in the Mirror
Additional Tags: Ancient Evils, Insanity, Nightmares
138 comments:
Ew, necromancy.
ReplyDeleteIs this Twixie again? I can't take more Twixie.
ReplyDeleteReasons completely out of your control, Seth?
ReplyDeleteI think it may have had to do with the best ship being the picture...
Wow...
ReplyDelete>the Nightly Roundup ended up being an hour late
ReplyDeleteSilly Seth, we all know the Nightly Roundup doesn't actually have a set time.
Dohohoho, them ratings already.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, Grimdark AND shipping? Color me interested, I love my marshmallow equines with a dark, adult flavor.
i love trees
ReplyDeleteI also avoid grimdark like the plague...because I can no longer eat my favorite pastries :(
ReplyDeleteAuthor here... been so excited to have my story here on EqD and to hear what you all think. Give it a shot, and don't hold back.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the awesome responses so far ^^
And yes, this is Twixie... kind of.
"due to reasons completely out of my control,"
ReplyDeleteRight, because it being a Twixie had noooothing to do with it. ;P
Just finished. One of the best fics I have read since the start of our Pony Craze, the ending was so terrible, horrifying and heroic that it made me cry tears.
ReplyDeleteTruly another masterpiece to add to our Powerful fanbase.
I have one very simple question.
ReplyDeleteOne that may not have a simple answer.
Do not take this a criticism.
No; I have my own motives for asking this question.
What drove you to write this story?
@Saurian
ReplyDeleteThanks ^^
@MihailK
It was inspired originally by a song, Filistata by Stolen Babies. I get a lot of strange ideas, most of which are soon forgotten, but for whatever reason this one stuck around and developed further. I just went from there, decided to base it on my favorite Lovecraft story and so on. It honestly was a bit of a spur of the moment thing, I didn't have a big plan or anything :)
WATCH IN AWE AS I THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE PERFORM THE MOST AMAZING FEATS OF NECROMANCY EVER WITNESSED BY MORTAL EYES!!!
ReplyDeleteI liked how this story started and it really drew me in but, towards the end, it started to lose me. I guess I just couldn't understand why, after Luna learns that she's dealing with a literal monster, she doesn't contact her, slightly more powerful, sister.
ReplyDeleteI also found it hard to believe that Luna would send two young, scared fillies, one of whom had a broken leg, towards the mansion alone and Trixie would decide to bring them back towards the danger when there was a village which would undoubtably be safer.
Still, it was a well written story with an atmosphere that I enjoyed.
@Cony
ReplyDeleteThanks. Luna did ask Scootaloo and Applebloom to send a message to her sister, although it would have helped more if she did it sooner I guess. I can see the possible problem you have with her sending them back alone, though.
As for Trixie, I'd say she didn't want to leave them alone. They could just as well run into Twilight in the village as back at the farm.
Wow, that was dark.
ReplyDeleteStill, a very good story! Excellent job of weaving a nice, tight narrative together. I'm surprised it wasn't serialized on EqD.
If I had one complaint, it's that Luna and Trixie responded to what was happening in a surprisingly lacksidasical manner. I mean, it's great that they wanted to investigate the matter themselves, but this story would've ended a lot differently if someone (anyone, really) had thought to write Celestia and say, "Hey, something weird is going on, we think Twilight's involved in foalnapping."
@Cold in Gardez
ReplyDeleteThanks, glad you liked it.
I can see what you mean about the way they deal with the situation, there might be a few things that could be improved. I had originally intended to include a mention of Celestia disapproving of Luna digging into Twilight's family, and as a result Luna kept it all secret. I never managed to fit it in.
God this was dark, I seriously felt sorry for Twilight during the last chapter. I daresay this felt darker than FO:E.
ReplyDelete@EonMaster
ReplyDeleteThanks ^^ I haven't read FO:E, but I take that as a compliment :)
I can't seem to load this for some reason...it tells me that "the address the page is located at isn't responding". DA as a whole is fine, so I don't know what's going on =/
ReplyDeleteIf anyone else is having a similar issue, I've found a workaround: just searched for adcoon and accessed the fic chapters from the search. First one can be found here:
ReplyDeletehttp://browse.deviantart.com/?q=adcoon&order=9&offset=24#/d3k65kj
I believe hitting "all" after that will return you to the search, if not just run it again.
More Mein kamf variants
ReplyDeleteI wonder how many more Lesbian fanfics it can take to turn Equestria to NAZI EQUESTRIA
I'll keep it simple.
ReplyDeleteThat was really good.
I'm so biased, because Twilight is my favorite pony, that I cannot rate this story. It would be unfair. I didn't like it, but I'm biased... Grimdark or not, I don't approve of Lunixie... I barely approve of Twiluna.
ReplyDeleteThat's beside the point. I guess, if a person was unbiased towards it all and liked darker stories, then this might be pretty good... I don't really do dark stories, and I'm biased as hell. I felt that a few of the situations weren't done realistically enough, but you kinda have to do that to get around the canon dues ex machina that is Celestia... Sigh... This story leaves me feeling sad and darkdirty.
Random nitpick: Alicorn was pretty random, for the following nitpick.
"If I could, I would give you all of mine." Twilight's words, yes? These were.referenced just before Alitrixie poorer into existence. Twilight's magic being a catalyst for Luna's blood doesn't seem likely. Luna knew what she was doing with her blood magic, so it stands to reason she had done it before. If she had done it before, surely she must have known Trixie would alicornize... Whatever. Nitpicks. Story wasn't for me, but I won't downrate it. I just won't update it. Carry on, Ye darker folks of unbiased opinion!
(Cry, Twilight died...)
(Spoilers BTW.) >w>
Poofed into existence. @#$ß my autocorrect and lack of delete button on mobile.
ReplyDeleteUprate. Motherbucker I hate autocorrect sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI found this really amusing to read. The storyline just has moments of intense cheeze. The kind of cheeze you find in one of those mini cracker sandwiches right? Well take some Twixie some storyline and some Twiluna and you've got yourself a gooey cheezy story that I just can't put down. It's a story worthy of 4/5 for the sheer grin that was plastered to my face while reading it.
ReplyDelete@Tast
ReplyDeleteI don't know how Luna could have known what would happen. It's obviously a highly unique situation, it seems unlikely she would have experienced this kind of thing before. I don't think she knew her blood would end up doing this.
@
Not sure if that's positive or not :)
@Alexstrazsa
I'm baffled too. Most of the comments I get seem to range from "great" to "AWESOME!", which obviously doesn't match a 3.7 rating.
I get the impression some downrate it simply because it's Twixie. Ah well, the comments have been good.
Ooops, that second @ should have said @Detoxicity
ReplyDelete@Alexstrazsa
ReplyDeleteIt mystifies me sometimes myself. Some story just deserve more stars than they currently get.
I´m a Twilight Sparkle die hard fan, and I can´t believe I love this as much as I did. Adcoon I salute you.
ReplyDeleteThis was some awesome story, very well written sir.
Story details appart, the structure made it to easy to read, thrilling and enjoyable. There was even a part I had to fight with myself, I was terrified to know what was gonna happen next, but I just couldn´t stop reading.
Also, marvelous ending, I screamed a Fluttershy yay, after I finish reading.
I wish they used Adcoon's pictures for the story instead of the one with Trixie tucking in Twilight. I think Adcoon's poster does a much better job of giving the readers an idea of what's in the story. Heres a link to his poster http://adcoon.deviantart.com/art/Fillystata-Poster-214613370
ReplyDeleteWell done sir. Definitely a 6 star imo.
ReplyDelete@Twilight_Crow
ReplyDeleteThanks! :) I'm a Twilight Sparkle fan myself. She's probably my favorite pony, definitely one of them at least.
@Toon Master
I'm quite happy with Sethisto's choice, even though I agree one of mine would probably hint more at what the story is like :)
@Cyber.Kuriboh
Thanks ^^
Hmm. The tags fight for attention... One of them makes me want to read it, one makes me want to stay away. After a brief glimpse of the comments I have a decent idea of where the story takes things...
ReplyDeleteI think the "stay away" tag wins. Sorry author, but from the looks of it those of us who can stomach this kind of stuff seem to love it well enough ^^
Spoilers! This story so deserves a sad-tag. I mean, you kileld off Twilight. First she saves Trixie's life, then promises her that she'll never leave her again, only to die shortly thereafter. That's not even mentioning the fact that Trixie moves on very quicky, but as I was saying, the way the Twixie relationship began and ended definitely warrants a sad tag in my opinion. At least to me, it made this story tragic.
ReplyDeleteOf course, that doesn't change how well written and thoroughly enjoyable it was. As a big fan of Lovecraft lore, I just love the way you incorporated the elements of his story(/ies). 5/5
@Baree
ReplyDeleteFair enough :)
@Krycek
Thanks :)
I strongly considered adding [Sad], but ended up leaving it out for various vague reasons. I probably wouldn't hurt to add it.
Let me preface this by saying I had been more-or-less waiting for this story ever since I saw the Fillystata poster on DA awhile ago, as I was intrigued by it.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, was reading this. "Where is the [GrimDark] everyone is talking about?," I wondered. Started the last chapter. "Oh."
Its not Empty Room dark, but not for lack of trying.
Couple comments:
I am going to parrot the idea mentioned above that the story started plodding around middle chapters of the story, specifically Four and Five.
Now, far be it from me to hate on some good old fashioned Twixin', but it honestly didn't seem to contribute anything to this story and thus made the parts that dealt with it pretty forgettable. The love triangle part added on top of that kind of derailed the ending, in fact (though I'll get to that later). The way it was covered also kind of telegraphed the ending to me, at least when combined with the GrimDark and Lovecraft tags.
Not to be mean, but it seemed obvious to me as early as Chapter 3 roughly how it was going to end, and while Zecora played a wild card that I hadn't expected, it still basically ended up as I thought.
Keep in mind that the closest I've ever come to reading Lovecraft is watching the Evil Dead movies, so when I first noted the similarities I initially thought of them as "being like the first Evil Dead" rather than "just like Lovecraft." Which I still thought was pretty cool regardless of my uneducated foolishness.
I will say, though, that the second half of Chapter Six and most of Chapter Seven really picked back up. Story got a lot more intense, and the apocalyptic log Luna stumbled upon really helped sell the scene, tying up plenty of loose ends in a pretty macabre way without getting gruesome about it.
Particularly the bit when the logs made it clear that Twilight had come to them in her last moment of clarity asking for help the night before she turned, and they put it off to the next day effectively dooming her. That was a real powerful little scene, there.
In regards to the ending, I had been wondering when the Alicorn's blood bit was going to come back, and using Twilight's last words as the magical trigger was a pretty nice (albeit rather cheesy, I think) way of doing it.
If you'll allow me to be blunt, though, the TriLuna ending really made no sense whatsoever based on the rest of the story; and unlike the Twixie earlier on in the story (which arguably contributed but just didn't seem necessary), I think it actively hurts the integrity of the ending (and to a lesser extent the story as a whole) by contradicting the earlier events of the story and the tone that the story had set by that point.
All told, I'd say this one just edged into 4/5 territory. An enjoyable and pretty powerful read generally, but one that does stumble fairly hard in places.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thorough comment. I appreciate that.
I'll say that I always found Lovecraft unusually predictable, though certainly that's one thing about his stories I'm not trying to emulate ;) I'm sorry to hear you found my story predictable. I was rather happy with the twists in it, but I suppose there will always be someone out there who will see through it :)
I don't think I quite agree with you on the shipping. It was always my intention that there was something slowly building between Luna and Trixie, especially after Twilight began to let down Trixie repeatedly (obviously no fault of hers, but Trixie didn't know that). Maybe it was a little too subtle, or maybe you just missed it.
Either way, I felt the shipping did contribute a lot to the story, and I like to think the bonds between the three ponies was important.
Experiences may vary, of course. That said, I think the last chapter is by far the best. I suppose by then I had gotten a much better feel for the story.
Don't get me wrong: I saw what you were trying to do.
ReplyDeleteTrixie slowly beginning to trust Luna more than Twilight.
Luna performing forbidden magic to save Trixie's life.
Trixie rejecting Twilight when it became clear hope was lost for her.
Trixie coming to Luna's aid when she thought Luna was in danger.
Luna making a last ditch sacrificial effort to save them all.
The feelings were clearly forming. But it still stretches the believability for me a bit too far to that they would be out-and-out in love with each other when the story came to a close like the final few sentences imply, particularly when so little time had passed since the tragedy had happened.
I see what you mean. Still, at least a few weeks have passed between the end and the Epilogue, and I like to think it's been a while. Luna probably spent a significant time in hospital, during which she and Trixie no doubt spent a lot of time together going over what happened. Dramatic events like this do tend to bring people close together.
ReplyDeleteFinally, I see both Trixie and Luna as being rather love starved characters. Personally I found Trixie and Luna's love for Twilight much more sudden and unexplained, except for them being lonely ponies who have never had much love before, so it still made sense to me.
Hi Adcoon. I do think I should give my opinions here as well.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'm sorry to say that I didn't like your story. So with that in mind, feel free to skip the rest. But I'll try to at least explain exactly why I didn't like it.
Spoiler warnings by the way.
My main complaint here is really that the story would have been better if it was twice as long. At least. This had a good setting for a horror story, but that creeping sense of despair or anguish never really manifested.
Part of this I'd blame on the shift in the story. You went from focusing on Twilight during the first chapters, to focusing on Luna and Trixie after, which in my opinion made for less powerful scenes, it also made Twilight seem rather out of character for most of the fic. Granted, she was possessed, but I feel it could have been handled better. I never saw any motivation for her to delve into such dark magic, especially without precautions and without seeming to fight against it.
All in all, I think the story missed a lot when it never focused on Twilights decent into darkness. You pretty much just wrote that "in the next few weeks, Twilight seemed to change", which felt such a shame when the time could have been used to bring some needed life into the love triangle as well. That bit really felt flat as well. Don't get me wrong, I love a good shipping story, but I never felt any character growth between the three of them. I could see where it was attempted though, it just never had any effect on me.
Oh and I have to agree with a previous commenter. Why in the world didn't Luna get Celestias help the moment she figured out what they might be up against? For that matter, why didn't Twilight try and contact her mentor?
Anyway, I believe I have rambled a bit much already. I'm not sure how much of this makes sense anyway. Wall of text as it is.
Final rating from me? Sadly, just 2/5. But keep at it, practice makes perfect as they say.
@Zanzibar
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you didn't like it, but thanks for your comment nonetheless.
I could see a few areas where I might have wanted to expand or elaborate upon things, certain things about Twilight's madness perhaps in particular. Also perhaps more about the relationships between the three ponies.
On the other hand I was afraid to make it too long as well, since there were a few places where I felt it was beginning to drag on a little. I honestly don't think it should have been much longer than it is, but perhaps some things should have been elaborated upon.
Finally focusing on Twilight's viewpoint all the way would probably spoil a lot. That's why I made the change of perspective.
that was amazing I really enjoyed. I liked how each part wasn't massively long nor was it too short which made for a comfortable read. I found myself just reading this all day. very good :D
ReplyDeleteeven if Twilight died (quite an Twilight fan) i totally dig this story, i hope to see more from you soon
ReplyDeleteThanks :) Glad you both liked it.
ReplyDeleteI think it could be improved if Twilight wasn't so suddenly gone after she tells Luna and Trixie. Just seems odd that Luna let her eyes off Twilight when it should be rather obvious that Gray has some kind of power over Twilight.
ReplyDeleteConsidering how long the filly-knapping had been going on for plus the fact that Twilight seemed to spend her time with Gray, I find it hard to believe that neither Trixie nor Luna realized that Twilight would have had to have known about for a bit and I'm sure that both of them would think Twilight would have to be somehow not fully in control to allow that.
I really really liked this story. I thought it was way sad at the ending though. You did a very good job Adcoon. I am now looking forward to seeing more of your work!
ReplyDelete@RBDash
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
@Nebulon-B Frigate FTW
I can see how it might be a little odd for Luna and Trixie to let their eyes off Twilight. The way I see it they probably did keep an eye on her, their watchfulness just slipped for a few seconds.
As for your second point, Twilight didn't know what was going on with the fillies until it was too late. She began to suspect towards the end.
Very good job with this story, fully enjoyed it even with the very sad ending!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to more from you!
@Adcoon
ReplyDeleteI'm honestly not sure why people are so worried about making stories "too long".
Most fanfics amount to what would, if printed, be little more than a pamphlet. A few dozen pages. A few truly epic ones reach what I'd call a youth sized novel.
I can appreciate that writing a truly novel length story takes both talent and a lot of hard work, but that is what I base things on when I say a story feels "short".
Still, it's easy to run my mouth when I have no intention of actually sitting down and writing anything myself. I don't think focusing on Twilight would have spoiled anything, since there weren't any twists relating to her, but as always that was just how I felt it :).
With all that said: Thank you for your hard work Adcoon!
Wow, my previous entry got a Really weird name. :)
ReplyDelete@Nightmare Luna
ReplyDeleteThanks ^^
@Zanzibar
Oh, definitely, most fanfics are far from novel sized. And I think that's fine in most cases. A good story doesn't have to be long, and making it long for the sake of being long will just make the story suffer.
Short stories seem to have fallen a little out of favor in the mainstream in modern times, and I personally think that's sad because its something more people can get in on. It requires less investment on both the author and the readers. I like that about fan fiction.
Most of Lovecraft's works, and the works of many other famous pre-modern writers, were short and definitely not novel sized by today's standards. They were often featured in magazines and collections rather than printed as books.
I believe the one Fillystata is based on, The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, was his longest and that one may just barely count as novel sized at 51.000 words. Far from the 700-1000+ page monsters which seem to be growing in popularity these days.
Fillystata is 30.000 words, for the record. Definitely not the longest, but I feel it works well around that length.
This is not to say fanfics couldn't be very long. It depends on the story, and the writer.
Anyway, you're quite welcome :) I enjoyed writing it, and I'm just happy to see it get some attention. I may prefer to read all the praise, for the motivation, but it's the critique which helps me improve.
And it's giving me... ideas, in fact. I don't think I'm saying too much with that ;)
Confound these writers, they drive me to tears.
ReplyDeleteTwilight is my favorite pony, so stories like this tend to give me a sad. But, I enjoyed it nonetheless.
I started to expect Trixie and Luna would end up together, but certainly not like that. I knew Twilight would not survive. I figured Sweetie Belle was killed.
All in all, manly tears were shed, and I seriously need a happy story. Like, right now.
@Adcoon
ReplyDeleteYou should read FO:E. Every fanfic author should read it, if only to set a bar against which to measure their own writing.
I'm not a huge fan of Fallout, so I was reluctant to read it at first, but it's just that good. It stands alone, independent of its source material, as a first-rate story.
@Bladecutter
ReplyDeleteSorry, forgot to say thanks :)
@Cold in Gardez
I may give it a try one day. I don't read as much fanfic as I'd like, but I try to keep up with a few
Trixie questioning her actions during Fillystata, eh?
ReplyDeleteYep. I'll give this one a read.
Damn you adcoon!
ReplyDeleteWhy did i read this?! So incredibly good and yet i wish i would have discarded this story the second i saw the grimdark tag like i 've always done ever since 'cupcakes'
I'm, supposed to be at work in 4 hours! I'm gonna have to read a happy luna story now to make up for this, it's not like i'm gonna get any sleep anytime soon anyways...
Keep up the awsome work! And please don't make me hate the grimdark tag forever with story 2, i'm already too hooked to stop reading this by now...
@Wento
ReplyDeleteAlways happy to be of service in spoiling a good night's sleep :P Glad to hear you liked it
Small little review so *SPOILERS*
ReplyDelete(Though honestly... you're reading through comments, you should've read this good fic by now XD)
I'ma go 4/5 on this one.
I love the story plot overall but a lot of what Zanzibar stated I agree with.
I feel like the story could've used more perspective on Twilight's end and what she was going through. It'd add more to the horror to see her descent into her dark past and what drove her to pursue it. Perhaps in the form of notes or journal entries if you wanted to keep the story from Trixie's perspective.
Also the whole alicorn transformation felt gimmicky to me. It just seemed like a way to wrap the story and rationalize the Trixluna relationship. Worried Trixie will die of old age and leave Luna alone? Don't fret, she can live forever and be another princess!
all and all, solid story. I just feel it could use more development in the horror sections and maybe a better explanation on how she turned into an alicorn (maybe in story 2?)
And here I thought it was over. Story 2 started well. There were a few confusing parts...but they look to be that way because of the plot more than anything else.
ReplyDeleteoh man..... that ending....
ReplyDeleteLiking the new story. And I like how you worked in the objections to the speed at which their (Trixie and Luna's) relationship bloomed. I wonder how Alicorn Trixie would look.
ReplyDeleteIf only Twilight wasn't my favorite. :( But eh. I'll just say that now that I know the ending of the first story, the story's image makes me sad. :P
Ok, I lied. I re-read the first story in an unbiased light (as much as I could manage) and it was... Nice. I'm not a dark story person, at least, not when there's not a happy ending for my pony... Hey, I tried. Either way, I'm waiting until story 2 is complete to read it. Biased or not, I read everything in a story post once I start it. You're pretty good, but you just don't write what I like :3 I'm a small minority here, so don't take what I say too seriously. If the majority is happy, then don't bend over to make the minority happy. In other words, ignore me, I'm just babbling.
ReplyDeleteAs per my last comment saying Luna should have seen it coming, I was basing that off the fact that Luna knew what she was doing, assuming she had done it before. I didn't think it was a "knew in theory" thing like Twilight. Maybe I was... Ugh... Wrong.
@Aesahaettr
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'm trying to address those concerns in the sequel. I hope to really dig into the minds and motivations of the characters, and hopefully explain a lot. Time will tell how well I do :)
@Cyber.Kuriboh
Thanks. Any particular confusing parts?
@Robofet
Hope you enjoyed the ride :)
@Bladecutter
Thanks. Twilight is one of my favorites too, and as you can see she's not entirely forgotten in the sequel :)
@Tast
No worries. Can't please everyone, but I do listen to the critique I get :) The praise may make me feel all good and fuzzy, but it's the critique that helps and inspires, and which made me write the sequel in the first place.
Glad you don't think it's totally bad, despite not being what you normally like :)
...Okay, I'm on the right page this time *facehoof*...
ReplyDeleteI'm torn on this one. It is very well done, but maybe too well: it follows the original Lovecraft tale (the name of which I can't recall right now) far too closely. The outcome was obvious from the instant I realized what this was based on. Instead of getting lost in reading a new story it became an analysis of "what did they keep or change from the original", which killed a lot of the enjoyment.
Of course, this is a non-issue if you are not an H.P. Lovecraft fan that has read all his stories many times over.
I must say, however, that the changes were blended in quite nicely!
@Scorched Wing
ReplyDeleteThanks
I tried to stick to the basic premise of The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, while adding enough differences and twists to hopefully make it interesting still, even if you know the premise. I do admit that if you've read Lovecraft's story, there will be few big surprises. I'm sorry it killed some of your enjoyment.
The sequel, however, is not based upon another story, so hopefully that one won't have the same problem :)
Whoa! How the hell did a relentless Grimdark connoisseur such as myself miss a fic this cool?
ReplyDeleteAnswer: I saw the icky dawww pic and the shipping tag, but NOT the "Lovecraft" tag.
@Adcoon
I co-sign the weeping for the decline of the short story. GZA from Wu Tang said it best: "Keep it brief son, half short and twice strong"
Quality >>>> Quantity
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteHeh. Thanks, glad you found it in the end, then.
Read this a while ago, but I was kind of a lurker back then. Its not the story is bad, but the shipping feels very forced, and...well, I guess I wasn't expecting that level of Grimdark. (SPOILERS)Once it got in to necromancy and killing fillies it was a tad too much, especially Sweetiebelle.(/spoiler)
ReplyDeleteI'm not great at constructive criticism, but for the shipping aspect, it needs to be foreshadowed. The conflict between Luna and Trixie was out of nowhere, and Twilight's reaction to Trixie's accusation was a little ludicrous.
All of this is to Fillstata. I have not started the other story yet.
So... There's a part 2? Hmmm... Fillystata was amazingly well written IMO (i will not get into Twilight and Trixie x Luna, as my opinion is entirely neutral). I liked the fact that the first 6 chapters were relatively bland, while 7 was total full grimdark... If the author was expecting shock, he got it (and I like it).
ReplyDeleteSo, I may as well read Mare in The Mirror, most probably very good stuff.
And Mare in the Mirror is, at least until now, intriguing and amazing. The plot is very interesting and tense (and the 2nd pt. ending looks VERY promising).
ReplyDeleteEagerly waiting for the next part!
I knew I was going to enjoy this from the moment I saw the tags :) My hat goes to you for writing this wonderful story! Also, I'm highly anticipating new chapters for "Mare in the Mirror". Again, excellent job!
ReplyDelete@Ragona
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear the shipping didn't work for you.
@Tritone and MikesJam
Thanks ^^
I have commented on her page but I would like to state a different comment here and that is:
ReplyDeletePlease do not down-rate because of your dislike of a certain category you read in a description or after a few paragraphs.
This story has an amazing flow to it, great narratives, a great twist in yet what would seem as another retelling of a Twixie story.
This story deserves 6 stars in it's own right, yes Luna could have alerted Celestia sooner... but how would YOU go about telling your sister, who so happens to move the Sun AND Moon on a whim if she pleased, that you suspected but had no proof that her student was dabbling in Necromancy AND may be fillynapping for said experiments!
Not so easy NOW is it? especially when you almost KILLED a pony for putting on a puppet show that none in the audience even cared for let alone believed in such strife.
Also, yes shipping is unpopular I guess for some, especially those who feel disgusted with same sex relations, as if it really mattered to you what others did behind closed doors or why they chose to love who they love anyways! People need to just learn to enjoy a story for what it is and read with an open mind and not focus so keenly on trivial matters on gender IN A MADE UP WORLD no less!
SIGH sorry I just get carried away when I see things get treated so unfairly. This is truly deserving of 6 stars and I know in time it'll get get that once people give it more of an earnest chance.
@Cátsy
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support. I'm glad to hear you liked the story. Can't say I wouldn't have loved a better rating, but it's a good thing comments mean a lot more than stars :)
Okay, so it took me about a week and a half, but I did sit down and read it.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I like the focus that Mare in the Mirror appears to have. Basically, it seems like it is going through a checklist of the things I had a problem with surrounding Fillystata, and attempting to explain and/or justify those things over the course of the narrative. That bit where Celly asked Luna point blank whether Luna was projecting her feelings for Twilight onto Trixie rather than actually feeling them for Trixie was done wonderfully, for example.
Also, I hope you don't take this as the backhanded compliment that it will almost certainly come off as, but it also made me notice a couple of things that I hadn't originally had a problem with in Fillystata while at the same time appearing to "correct" those things. All told, I think this story has the chance to be the far superior one in scope.
That being said, I do have a couple of criticisms:
The writing, in the first chapter especially, wasn't as polished as it was in Fillystata. There are a couple of scenes where phrases are near-as-makes-no-difference repeated several times, and generally there just seems to be a lot of redundancy in it all. For perhaps the most glaring example, the part where Luna talks to Trixie about Twilight's soul basically repeats the same idea 4 or 5 different times in the paragraph with slightly different phrasing.
My other problem, and this may just be because the story is still early on so it may not be valid because there may be a reason for it, is that Trixie doesn't seem to be very... well, "Trixie."
I don't know if that is intentional or not (and I can think of a pretty good reason why it would be intentional, so I'm admittedly having doubts about this criticism even as I make it), but even towards the end of Fillystata you could feel Trixie's (for lack of a better term) "Trixieness" bubbling just under the surface when she was doing things and reacting to the story around her, whereas in this story it just doesn't seem to exist at all.
@Cátsy
Your tangent about people rejecting the shipping in Fillystata simply because it existed in the story rings hollow. I have no problem with shipping or gender biases or any of that. In fact, I like the idea that Rainbow Dash is a lesbian purely because I love the concept of AppleDash.
My problem with the shipping in Fillystata was that it didn't seem natural, sometimes to the extent that it almost seemed forced on the reader; and both of those things to an extent seem to be being examined by Mare in the Mirror so I'm already doubtful I will feel the same reaction to the shipping in this one as in the original.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteThanks.
It's not so much a checklist, as just me playing around with some of the ideas I got from the comments. I don't think I would do things much different if I were to rewrite Fillystata from scratch now; a few tweaks and additions maybe, but mostly I'm happy with it. What I'm trying to do in the sequel is to expand, rather than correct, really.
Anyway, to your concerns... I don't think I see the problem with the paragraph you mention, assuming it's the same one we're looking at.
That said, I'm sure there are a few places where I could tweak the wording and such. There probably always will be. Fillystata had some of that too, which I corrected in the edit I did of it before it was posted here on EqD.
About Trixie not being... Trixie. Yeah, there are a few reasons for that I think. It's difficult with all that she's been through to have her act completely like she did before, and in particular the current events affect her greatly. The way I write her now is that in public she's still somewhat Trixie-like, but in private (and granted, most of this story takes place in private so far) she lets that whole facade down.
About Cátsy's concerns, she's complaining in general, not about specific commenters I'm sure. I don't know why people vote low, maybe they all have perfectly good reasons to dislike the story, certainly some like yourself do. But it is rather striking how nearly all the comments are immensely positive, and many of those that are critical are still somewhat positive in their critique.
I wouldn't be surprised if - given the anonymity and ease of voting here - some vote low simply because they didn't like the image Seth chose, or the tags, or the first few paragraphs, or the Twixie, or whatever. That's why I don't take the stars too seriously, I think the comments are much more indicative of the story's worth.
This fic ain't that regular.
ReplyDeleteThis that stanky killa weed. This that Grey Goose. This that A1 Perico.
The framing device was brilliant. The HORROR of Twi's fate is pwnage. The reveal at the end blindsided me. TAKE MY MONEY
I used to think that the stick from her wand cutie mark was like a line detail of some sort. I thought she had like a toned flank or something. But yeah the story.
ReplyDeleteA great story, very gripping and enjoyable.
ReplyDeletePINKIE PIE ;_;
ReplyDeleteRARITY ^_^
Well I've gotta say, imagining what it would be like to be Trixie in chapter 3 made me the saddest a fic has ever made me. Great idea there.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that Pinkie's situation is very similar to that one fic where Twilight finds her friends all messed up (e.g. Fluterrshy unable to talk from wearing a damaging collar while she was a sexually abused slave and ends up helping Rarity make leather out of animals) after waking up from a coma.
Pinkie strikes me as the type to always find a bright side to a bad situation, and I think that her Party of One madness was because she fears social isolation above all else. I don't think she'd do the same for a loss.
In general I think Pinkie is portrayed as unstable too much maybe because of Cupcakes. Thing to remember is that Cupcakes Pinkie was actually all happy and bouncy while killing Dash. That's what made it rather creepy: Pinkie is not only a serial killer, but is doing so while staying in character. To me it seems like Party of One directly opposes Cupcakes. Both Pinkamena and Cupcakes Pinkie are crazy, but the former is paranoid and depressed while the latter is evilly affable and happy.
Overall I think Pinkamena is the biggest weakness in the story, but it isn't that big of an issue since it's just a stock character exaggeration.
The other characters are pretty good, the only thing I think was off about them was that Dash, the Element of Loyalty, wouldn't set aside her blame of Trixie to help her friends and a princess find out more about what happened with Twilight.
also, I am Nebulon from earlier just so you know. I actually meant that the two should have thought that Twilight knew for longer, or they should have thought something magical stopped Twilight from finding out sooner. At that point in the story I was like "oh crap, Grey Ashes has distance-limited mind-control over Twilight! They better act fast!"
ReplyDeleteSeemed a bit odd they didn't notice Twilight took so long to see the obvious, but maybe it was just more obvious to the reader than the characters.
Thanks :)
ReplyDelete@Logan Warner
I'm not at all trying to portray Pinkie as she is in Cupcakes. I'm trying to portray her as she is in Party of One. And I do think the loss of one of her best friends would be a huge deal for her. That's what her reaction in Party of One was all about, she were depressed because she thought she had lost her friends, and here she actually has lost a friend forever.
As for Rainbow Dash, she's being loyal to Scootaloo. She's trying to put Twilight's death behind her and be there for the ones who actually need her. I think deep down she knows Applejack is right, that it'll do Pinkie and Rarity some good to get out and away from Ponyville. That's why she doesn't come along, because she knows it's for the best, and because Scootaloo needs her more.
@Logan Warner
ReplyDeleteWell considering that Twilight didn't just die, but died a Unspeakably Horrific and Lovecraftian death...while Sweetie Belle and a truckload of other kids get the Elizabeth Báthory treatment...with the most recent murders committed by Twilight's abominably re-purposed corpse.....I think Pinkie severing all ties with reality and going all Miss Havisham is pretty damn plausible lol.
I just interpret party of one in that Pinkie could hav stayed sane if she thought only one friend was no longer her friend, but she thought she had lost all her close friends at once. That would be pretty hard on anypony, but to one who is all about friendship it might just make them go a bit crazy. Her friends probably being the only ones she could turn to for emotional support probably didn't help much either.
ReplyDeleteNow going utterly crazy at the death of one friend implies severe issues, especially since she had the remaining friends to turn to.
I think it can work very well with an explanation of why Pinkie has these severe issues.
As for lovecraftian stuff making it worse suggestion, I honestly can't come up with how Pinkie's show characterization would handle that. Probably it wouldn't matter much to her about what happened to the body after Twilight is dead. Dead young ponies would make her sad, but I don't see how really sad = insane.
Confound this story! I need to do homework, take some allergy medicine and actually get some freakin' sleep, but it's got me in a hold!
ReplyDeleteAllow me to preface this with an apology, because I see that it may appear like I'm following this story just so I can constantly shit on it; but I do legitimately enjoy reading it and like the concepts that you are trying to pull off.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, with these two chapters I finally think I get a sense of where you are going with this story. It is starting to remind me of Bittersweet, but with a dramatically more terrifying backstory than what that one had. I also liked that the Trixie we all know and love is finally starting to show through, even taking charge while she is feeling vulnerable as a sort of coping mechanism; so I think you've made quite an improvement in that regard.
I also think that the emotional states that you painted the rest of the Mane Six as going through in response to Twilight's tragic and all told pretty-fucked-up death is pitch perfect with how I would imagine them dealing with it. Pinkie basically going Pinkamena permanently, Rarity becoming a recluse after Sweetie Belle's death, Fluttershy driving herself nearly to death trying to help Rarity, and Applejack and Dash becoming two rocks desperately trying to hold everything together (albeit for somewhat different reasons).
Dash in particular stuck out to me, fighting an inner conflict between letting the past go and being the support that Scootaloo almost certainly needed after the events of Fillystata (even though Dash is obviously coping as well). I've also always thought Dash had the most interesting connection to Trixie, and you've borne that out quite well in their interactions when Luna and Trixie returned.
That being said (and I hope the... bluntness of this doesn't come off as insulting), I'm not a fan of some of the more specific details regarding the characterization. Celestia in particular, unless I missed something (so please enlighten me if I did), is acting pretty damn stupid in this story; picking up the idiot ball and taking it deep into the endzone from the start.
*I'm gonna tell you that there is somepony who may have answers to your questions, and it is obvious that you feel you must have them answered, but then I'm going to forbid you from looking for them any more.*
And while you ultimately did surprise me with where it went from there, I was nearly rolling my eyes when that scene played out.
Or, a little bit later:
*Yes, you almost murdered my sister during a dream that may be the result of any number of a laundry list of mental problems, and you might possibly be being possessed by Nightmare Moon; but go right along on an adventure which will almost certainly cause those inner demons to release at the worst time possible. I'll just stay here and be a nonentity while you confront something so heinously evil that I felt it necessary to destroy all evidence that it ever existed. Take Twilight's former, incredibly-traumatized friends along too. What could possibly go wrong?*
And I realize that having Celestia play a more major role in the story would have completely shattered what (I think) you are trying to do with it, but I think that there should have been a better way to write her out of it.
On a more minor note, Pinkamena. Yes, I explained that I liked the concept above, but I don't think it is being executed quite right. You say you are trying to keep her as being Pinkamena as she was in Party of One, but it honestly seems to come off to me as actually being Cupcakes Pinkie hidden just beneath Party of One Pinkamena; what with her going everywhere with a slasher smile etched on her face and reacting to everything basically by making it bigger.
I don't get the sense that it is "depressed but harmless" Pinkamena from canon. I get the sense that it is "depressed but seems like she will snap and murder everypony;" almost as if you have channeled the Pinkamena from the "Ask Pinkamena" tumblr rather than the Pinkamena from the show.
@Logan Warner
ReplyDeleteThe death of three friends (Twilight, Sweetie Belle and Zecora) and the complete mental breakdown of another (Rarity). Plus the knowledge that during the events of Fillystata Twilight (who was obviously the closest one to Pinkie of the three who died during the story) spent the final month or so she was alive torturing and murdering ponies; including the other two.
I think that's more than enough reason for Pinkie to lock herself into Pinkamena mode and refuse to come out.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteCelestia knows she can't win, and in the end she does the only thing she can do.
Yes, sending them off on this journey is a huge risk, obviously. But what is the alternative? Just sit and wait for Trixie to turn into a monster without doing anything? Obviously not. Banish or execute Trixie? Imagine what that'd do to Luna, and since so little is known of the situation can you be sure it wouldn't backfire? Magic is a difficult thing, supposedly, perhaps banishing/killing Trixie has... unfortunate consequences beyond probably turning Luna right back into Nightmare Moon.
What Luna and Trixie is hoping, and what Celestia is reluctantly realizing, is that the best thing to do is to try and solve this permanently. And for that, they need answers.
And while Celestia knows this is likely to end in tragedy too, she's always been one to believe strongly in the power of friendship. Probably above all else. She hopes that taking Twilight's old friends with them will help them all (Twilight's friends included), because sending them all alone would be sure to end in disaster.
As for Pinkie... I don't know. Give it time? I hope I get a better feel for the characters as I go along, sometimes it's difficult. Maybe my description of Pinkie reminded you of Cupcakes, but I assure you it was not how it was intended.
The way she appears to me in Party of One is basically the same old Pinkie, just not as wild and a little disturbing to be around... she doesn't jump around excitedly, but she still smiles and laughs although it's a little creepy the way she does it, probably because it's exaggerated and not... honest. Deep down she's deeply depressed, after all. See Dash's reaction to her.
♫I'm Starting With The Mare In The Mirror
ReplyDeleteI'm Asking Her To Channnnge
Her Wayyyyys
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Channnnnge
Na Na Naaaaa, Na Na Naaaa, Na Na,
Na Nah♫
Hmmm... I see that Luna and Trixie decided to take the direct route instead of cutting through Stalliongrad...
ReplyDeletehttp://hlissner.deviantart.com/art/Equestria-and-beyond-rev-7-253465186
Hey, @Adcoon, are you actually using that map? Because if not, that's an applebucking coincidence (the awesome kind of, of course).
As for the story, so far, I'm really enjoying the characterization of everyone. Fluttershy and Rarity are spot-on, insane Pinkie is being, well... insane Pinkie.
The not-stage-boasting Trixie feels delightfully right too. We can still see that Trixie is herself - but we can also see that the showmare mask is not there anymore.
However, I feel that Luna is being a bit too... Bland (but then, I have a clear bias on anything regarding Luna).
Also(as always), fantastic work!
(I can barely wait for them to reach the asylum...)
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteHeh, nice
@Tritone
Thanks. Yes, I do use that map for reference, so sadly not a coincidence
Regarding Luna, perhaps you're right that she's been a bit in the background so far. Hopefully I can give her more attention in the coming chapters, and give her a chance to shine too.
omfg, I hate Fluttershy's selective acrophobia, i swear
ReplyDelete-----
Fluttershy had been quietly sitting in the sun all day, watching the butterflies and listening to the birds and animals of this new forest. She looked up as Trixie sat down next to her. "Oh... I'm so, so sorry."
Trixie looked at her. "Why?"
"Because I'm such a burden on you all."
Trixie calmly replied "YEAH NO SHIT BITCH, LUNA IS STILL INJURED, I'M SO TIRED I'M ABOUT TO FALL OUT THE SKY, AND YOUR PEGASUS ASS CAN'T BE *KIND* ENOUGH (HINT HINT) TO HELP A PONY OUT BY USING THE GODDAMN FUCKING WINGS YOU WERE *BORN* WITH TO AT LEAST FLOAT NEXT TO THE BALLOON FOR A HOT MINUTE. WHAT THE FUCK!!! YOU COULD BE RIGHT NEXT TO THE BALLOON FLOATING ALONGSIDE WHILE HOLDING ONTO IT BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NOW WE HAVE TO CAMP IN SOME STUPID FOREST WHERE NIGHTMARE OR THE LOST SMOKE MONSTER OR JASON VORHOOVES OR PREDATORS OR VELOCIRAPTORS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK WILL PROBABLY START PICKING US OFF ONE BY ONE LIKE ITS A WES CRAVEN MOVIE, THANKS A WHOLE LOT, NO REALLY. ಠ_ಠ"
----
lol, I kid Fluttershy. But srsly, cut that crap out.
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDelete....then again, positive reinforcement can work pretty well too.
Yeah, I stopped reading there and picked up just now. :\
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteHeh. Yeah, Fluttershy's phobia is a bit odd, but I like the opportunity it gave me for making things go less smooth and also for bringing out the old Trixie a little.
@Adcoon
ReplyDeleteDude...you put Fluttershy in a bear trap and dropped them off at one hell of a slave auction rofl. You don't have to justify anything, this is great stuff. :D
I think the whole "we absolutely can fit only this many ponies in the balloon" thing was just odd. Surely they can fit uncomfortably on top of each other instead of having to land in an unknown area because SOMEPONY forgot to mention her fear of heights (which really only showed up when there was a Dragon making her abnormally scared) when being told about how they had to take shifts out of the balloon.
ReplyDeleteChapter 6 link just goes to this page.
ReplyDeleteHere's the actual link to chapter 6
http://adcoon.deviantart.com/art/Mare-in-the-Mirror-6-261887797
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteApologies if you felt it was an attack on you, it wasn't. And you'd be surprised but there is no need to be logged in to vote for any story. That part is still anon friendly.
As for the context you speak of about Trixie and Luna's forced relationship, it's not all that uncommon for two traumatized and heart broken people to come together to share in one others pain to help each other through a great loss.
In the sequel I assume a fair deal of time went by before Luna and Trixie started sharing the same bed. That or Luna is still passing on her feelings for Twilight onto the one who inherited her soul, still clinging to what she can of Twilight.
And yes ship fics get the short end of the stick even if you yourself don't do it be assured there are people that are quick to down-rate anything.
I mean compare normal fics to ship fics I can point to quite a few that are ridden with grammar issues and pacing, redundancies, OOC'ness up the wazoo and still garner more praise then a well written story with greater amounts of substance that make a story more enthralling.
I should know, while I didn't hit down-rate anything I didn't read I avoid anything with a Ship tag like the plague. I also hated that anything with a rainbow pattern means homosexuality in some way. So yeah for months I wouldn't read anything with [Shipping] or [Grimdark] as people often always used to right such lame contents like cutting someone open, doing things sexual with the corpse as they ate their intestines or some junk all at once.
Yeah I thought Shipping meant clop heavy action stories back then :P
But yeah that was the ignorant part of me but thankfully a couple great authors broke me out of that crazy concept I held. So case in point people are more likely to read a [Normal] tag or [Grimdark] before hitting up a [Shipping] tag.
I'm pretty sure a ton of stories vote counts would drop if anon voting was canned.
I wonder if there was a way or if there is an administrative level to check the percentage of people who vote as anons and what average ratings they normally give out vs logged in voters.
I still like the idea of a free open blog, however it's pointless to not be able to comment as anon to stories as I used to do and yet still be able to vote anon.
Someone maybe should ask Seth what he thinks about that.
P.S. don't forget there is a legion of fanfic haters out there that think fanfics are a plague to MLP:FiM. It's crazy to believe but they exist! Some even attended the Brony meet up with signs! lol crazy people exist
Finally the "send me 2 letters every day" will become something useful :-)
ReplyDeleteI felt hollow after the first story. I think it's because I didn't think anyone would ever just let Zecora die, and here this is where she's alive one moment and dead the next. Also not a fan of shipping, but I guess it's unavoidable these days?
ReplyDeletemare in the mirror, part 7...
ReplyDeleteThat's it... this is now officially the last grimdark i ever started, i said started because i do no longer intend to finish reading this.
and about part 7 ending, NO! just no! unaccepteble! not. her. anyone but her but not her!
@Wento
ReplyDelete:( I'm not sure what you expected after Fillystata
That said, maybe give the next chapter a chance? The story is far from over
To describe this in one word?
ReplyDeletePhenomenal.
@Adcoon
ReplyDelete**spoiler alert**
I seriously don't know what I was expecting, I think I mostly started reading because although the story I more grim than I would have liked (I like my ponies happy after all), it was still great, and this story hooked my with an interesting beginning but ever since chapter 4 it feels like there's just pointless horror after horror and now this?
I can't acctually see a good 'motive' behind killing Luna, and that's probably my greatest problem with it right now, it feels like it was nothing but a way to keep the story unpredicteble and dark...
twilight and luna were the two character tags that drove me to read fillystata in the first place, and you killed both of them now so the two characters that made this story really interesting for me are now dead, that, and i'm also starting to see the unfortunate thing about grimdark stories, they generally rely on the grimdark to keep the story interesting, and eventually, it collapses on itself and all the grimdark aftar that only feels hollow and pointless...
If i know myself correctly then i'll probably read the next chapter anyway, partly because i reeeeeaally suck at abandonning something that i've already started on, partly because i want to see how celestia reacts to stop receving those letters :) but mostly because i want to se where your going with this...
i just hope luna wasn't a casualty of random killing but actually a keystone in how the story is going to develop.
@Wento
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you feel it's pointless horror. Let me assure you that Luna still has a part to play, and that her killing wasn't without a motive. Even Twilight may still have a part to play, after all.
I try hard not to do things unless they're somehow important to the story, because I don't want to end up with another Cupcakes clone. That's not what I'm trying to do here.
MM, I was sure it was "only" a dream until the scene with Celestria – than I was certain that it is not a dream; than I was sure for some time that this is not the real Luna now, but that seems to be wrong too — so you fooled me 2 times it seems.
ReplyDelete@DaB
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear it :D I hope I can keep that up
What part of "Lovecraft" don't you wusses understand?
ReplyDelete@Adcoon
ReplyDelete*spoiler alert*
Just finished reading the new chapter, figured i should thank you aswell as apologize for my erlier comment on chapter 7 :) i probably should have seen that coming, to my defence i was freaking out over a dead luna by then xD
definetly prefer a mentally ill Trixe before a dead luna :)
Mare in the mirror is once again back amongst my fanfic bookmarks :)
@Wento
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear it :) I obviously didn't want to just tell you what was going to happen, so I'm glad you gave it a chance
Mare in the Mirror! This ranks second only to "Don't let the sun catch you crying." Time to blow off finals for an hour.
ReplyDeleteThat was a very fast update after the last chapter. I liked the "dream" of Pinky and her clear statement later that she won't leave Fluttershy behind; and of course the letter of Celestia.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of Chapter 11 is just gorgeously written. Damn.
ReplyDeleteThe insanity being experienced here, this is SO clearly influenced by Lovecraft. That underwater city, won't they be surprised to find "Cthulu" sleeping. GREAT story goin' here. Keep it comin'.
ReplyDelete@Horus098
ReplyDelete........what.
.............WHAT?!
.................WHAT IN THE FUCK?!?!?!?!
UNDERWATER CITY?!!?!?!?!? R'LYEH?!?!
THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR READING THE *ONE* NEW COMMENT BEFORE THE NEW CHAPTER, DAMMIT
also, I believe this is the first fic I've seen with a Amputee Fluttershy.
ReplyDeleteGrimdark Achievement Unlocked!
I'm very very confused. How is it that Trixie's suddenly more powerful than Celestia? I know she's being possessed at the moment, but still...
ReplyDelete@shadefox
ReplyDeleteThere are a few reasons, but remember what Luna said in one of the first chapters. Celestia isn't as powerful as you might think, especially alone and without the Elements.
I loved this story. But the ending KILLED me. It made me love it even more. But then I saw there was a sequel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yg2u_De8j5o
ReplyDeleteI can't do another gripping tearjerker, man! Tell me if Twilight comes back.
@Anicon
ReplyDeleteTwilight has a supporting role in Mare in the Mirror, but it might not be what you'd hope for when you ask if she "comes back". Can't really say too much other than that.
It's still likely to be a sad story, but whether it'll be as sad as Fillystata is yet to be seen.
I feel like such a heel for practically shelving this story as I keep reading a few newer ones. I think I never even read past the 4th-5th chapter of story 2!
ReplyDeleteOh, well I'll just have to make this my Grim-Fic weekend! (so busy ><) I swear this time I"ll finish catching up! this is still one of my favorite grimdarks ^_^
@Adcoon
ReplyDeleteI read a little bit. She's not back. So sad. Gone. So Lovecraft. I commend you for such a twist. But honestly I'm not sure I want to continue to read if there's no more necromancy or rebirth or anything. The first story ended on such a brilliant, triumphant, and bittersweet note that I feel it was perfect. I like the concept of having Twilight in the reflection, but she's not back with Trixie or anything. That makes it harder for me to read, especially with how freakin' well written this is. Maybe one day, after this is done updating, I'll take a look at it again. Loved and hated (meaning it was touching and effective, not bad) the first ending, and I think it's cool how you're writing the second story. Keep it up, man.
@Anicon
ReplyDeleteThanks :) I hope you'll give it a shot eventually. It shouldn't be too far from completion now, unless I make a last minute change of plans.
That was epic
ReplyDeleteJust finished chap 6 and im loving this story. Im gonna read 7 today at twork n.n
ReplyDeleteFrom Twixie to Lunixie...
ReplyDeleteSo one of the most grimdark (Heh, it's Lovecraft, what did I expect) finaly ended - and I guess I now understands some other parts of the story better. Thanks for your time :-).
ReplyDeleteI also avoid grimdark storie, but imma give this one a try. oh and seth? I better not regret this or someones going to the moon.
ReplyDelete-trollestia's friend
I'm seeing a lot more good comments than I thought would happen...not for lack of a good story mind you, but I'll just be the dick here to keep you from getting TOO much of an inflated ego ;) You've already heard all the good parts, and I posted on DA what I liked, so you've already heard why I liked the story. But here's what I didn't like: pretty much everything happened too fast, from the beginning to the end every moment just seemed to happen way too fast. There were quite a few inconsistencies, I basically had to stop a few times and guess what you had tried to mean convey (I have issues with that when I write too, I'd suggest trying to read through as if you had no idea what was going to happen). And lastly, I think "Celestia" accepting Trixie into her family should have been just that, her getting accepted in to the family. Not her getting with Luna, I found that as if you were trying to end the story happy, and forced something so that it did.
ReplyDeleteI still did like the story, and my biggest issue was how things moved way too fast...I will read the sequel just because I did like the story, and I see a LOOT more chapters, which should be a good thing. Hopefully things aren't as rushed. Cheers to keeping me up late at night because I hate reading a good story and not finishing it, I have school tomorrow you jerk :P
@Phxntxm
ReplyDeleteOthers have noted that the first story felt rushed too, or at least the romance part of it. I didn't try to force a happy ending and to me it made perfect sense with Luna and Trixie, but I realize some people would have liked a little more meat on the shipping here.
And I'm not sure what inconsistencies you speak of. I've read it through many times myself and fixed a few things I found or had pointed out to me, but nothing major.
Glad you liked it, though.
i loved your story it made me cry in ways and made me feel sad for trixie and sad that twilight had to die. i hope to ready your next one soon
ReplyDelete@Adcoon
ReplyDeleteIt was 3 AM, maybe it was just me :P and I don't know, I think I just can't see Luna and Trixie, it doesn't really seem like it would work.
Wow, what a story. I didn't look at the tags or the description, so I was surprised to see a horror fix. It was very well written: it *felt* creepy as I was reading it. I also like that the ending is bittersweet rather than plain bad. Although…the Alicorn Trixie/Luna thing is more than a little difficult to swallow. Luna and Trixie's love for Twilight and each other also came out of nowhere a bit.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, it was a lot of fun!
EDIT: Oh look at that, a sequel!
While the first story was a very enjoyable horror story, the sequel is disappointing. It feels that it overstayed its welcome. The love between Luna and Trixie came out of nowhere, and it's never really confirmed if it's genuine or if they both love Twilight (which is even more spontaneous). I like how the characters react to Twlight's death and all the horror, but the torment is a little too drawn out, and the Queen's rise to power…no thanks.
I thank you for all the effort you've put in this, but I believe it would have been better to leave it at the original story.
EDIT, last 3 chapters: Glad you could finish the story. I quickly glanced over the last 3 chapters, it's good to know there's still a happy ending. Oh, by the way, Rarity's sacrifice was incredibly touching and totally something she would do.
Yeah, I felt disappointed by the whole final arc of the sequel's story. It came off as "and then suddenly......NIGHTMARE TRIXIE". I fully expected more Lovecraft weirdness and instead it got very very conventional. Bummer. Even if the transition was smoother, I still wouldn't like it. The whole Evil Alicorn Queen Pwns Equestria thing has been beaten to freakin DEATH in fanfics. And I really don't like that the author wimped out on breaking up Luna and Trixie in the end. Their entire relationship was a sad attempt to cope with Twilight's death and this was obvious to everyone from the readers to Celestia. Showing them accepting this and bittersweetly agreeing to just be friends in the end would've been a powerful, realistic twist on the usual sappy melodrama crap we see in every shipfic ever.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hoof, Queen Trixiemidnightwateva had her moments with Scootaloo and Rarity's sacrifice was absolutely tearjerker stuff.