Author: The Lord Of Dust
Description: Follow our group of only slightly insane misfits as they live their daily lives. Of course, their daily routines involve subservient zombies, magical catastrophes, explosions both emotional and physical, petty spiteful revenge, sexual harassment, occasional murder, the humble goal of dethroning the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, and just a smidgen of unbridled insanity. When it's just an average day for the Overly Impressive Mares, anything can happen! Lot's of art, minisodes, and some animations coming soon.(Reading of Blazing Glory not required.)Blazing Glory Part 1
Blazing Glory Part 2
Blazing Glory Part 3
Blazing Glory Part 4
Blazing Glory Part 5
Blazing Glory Part 6
Blazing Glory Part 7
Blazing Glory Part 8
Blazing Glory (All Links)
Blazing Glory (All Links)
Additional Tags: long, oc ponies, missionaries, everypony, epic
74 comments:
Great picture. Must read.
ReplyDeleteThis pic lacks Octavia! Where's the Octavian love?
ReplyDeleteLooks like an awesome concept, ill get to this one next
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI think it was made pre-Octavia. i remember seeing it once before...
'Pre-Octavia' is only to be known as 'The Time That Shall Not Be Mentioned'.
ReplyDeleteUm- I don't really know what the hell is happening.
ReplyDelete!!!Spoiler Ahead!!!
It's sort of a rollercoaster: The missionaries come, Celestia is suddenly evil incarnate, the protagonists happily murder yet somehow value all life (there's some moral disconect for you)...
The story will need a GOOOOOOD explanation for all this, especially why Celestia has suddenly decided to become Pony Hitler.
!spoiler!
ReplyDeleteApparently Celestia is possessed by a demon(s) similar in maliciousness to the darkness of nightmare moon or so the story seems to be implying.
Also why does it not surprise me at all that the leader of the Missionary ponies is a President? There's evidence of Americanism in many parts of the story but that is the most blatant.
Worst story on ED.
ReplyDeleteI beg to differ. worst grammar on eqd. Very good story. Now back to writing Pony Alert 3.
ReplyDeleteThe grammar really really needs to be ironed out. I also want to know what the hell happened to Luna!
ReplyDeleteEwwww.... bad writing in every way. Also the writer of this story has some serious issues.
ReplyDeleteGuessing Luna to moon. again. Maybe Celestia has something against missionaries, but sheesh, the guards seem to have no morals. Wouldn't some of the guards feel a bit cruel ruining the lives of half their country?
ReplyDeletePS.Interesting how every other country around them has tech
~Appletank
Author here.
ReplyDeleteYes Celestia is possessed by demons. It's taking over now through a "cornered animal" gets stronger type deal.
Some of the questions, like the guards, I will try and explain in later chapters.
What did I do that would make people say things like "Worst story on ED" and "The writer of this story has some serious issues"? Would somebody please tell me.
Is my grammar really that bad? Could somebody point out a particularly bad sentence?
Thanks to the people that left positive comments, I really appreciate it.
I would love feedback from anyone. Send me an email and tell me everything that was so "bad" or "good" about my story. I'll never improve if I don't know how I failed.
Link for newest chapter in google docs seems broken, however DA works:
ReplyDeletehttp://thelordofdust.deviantart.com/art/Blazing-Glory-Chapter-10-251362620
Never been too big of a scifi Pony person but this story is holding my interest reasonably well. Looking forward to how the missionaries counteract the purge that is happening in Equestria. Don't understand why the some of the comments are so derisive, hope you keep updating.
Lol, at least you're not as forever-alone as me!
ReplyDeleteTen chapters shows that you've at least put in some effort, and stuck to it. keep refining it and who knows. could be good.
as for me:
> http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/04/story-symbiote.html
>I never even finished my fic...
>Half of those comments are mine, anonymously.
>my excuse is that I've been working with differential operators. What a way to spend a summer, amirite?
*^^
ReplyDeleteninja'd...
I don't see why everyone is dissing this story's grammar. (whatever happened to love and tolerance)
ReplyDeleteI am really enjoying the story which is what everyone should be reading not the grammar. i just hope the author explains everything soon.
Also love these new characters!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteChapter 10 has permission issues, can't access it.
ReplyDeleteTo this story's really good! The plot's filling out nicely; a few holes, but the author probably has big things planned for those. Looking forward to the rest of the chapters!
ReplyDeleteit wont let me read it......
ReplyDeleteI cannot access chapter 10. Please fix it.
ReplyDelete@jeremiah
ReplyDeleteTry-
http://thelordofdust.deviantart.com/art/Blazing-Glory-Chapter-10-251362620
Wow....I was in such a hurry to get the chapter posted....I forgot to share it....that will sure make me more popular. Sorry about that, fixed now.
ReplyDeleteThank you!!! Positive comments!!! People saying my writing wasn't that bad!!! I think I'm going to cry tears of joy. (Does Rarity Wahahahaha!)
I really want to stress this point. It is going to have a HAPPY ending. Yes it's a little grim dark...and chapter 11 has a particular scene that I'm going to get a lot of flack about (Rainbow Dash lovers are going to destroy me), but I promise it isn't going to get extremely dark. From this point on I will try to keep it a bit more light hearted, unless i just can't pass up an epic action scene.
I admit my story is kind of...hard to follow at points. I need to envision my readers view point more, just because I know what's going on doesn't mean you guys do. I will work on that. I am going to try and answer all the questions people have, like the guards showing no mercy, there is a reason, a reason I probably should have already talked about, but I'll get to it in later chapters. Chapter 12-13 will hopefully big big revelation chapters that answer a lot of questions.
Finally, I do have some big ideas for where I'm going with this, specifically stuff that i want to do with the main cast and how I want to deal with Celestia.
Thanks again to everyone who left nice comments, it really cheered me up. In fact, I'm finally in a writing mood again!
@Dustin Coleman
ReplyDeleteYou asked for why you get some bad reviews, let me go tell you my perspective. The grammar comments are true, but I feel not the main problem.
Reading this the plot feels highly contrived. This is partly caused by by your main error, which is that you have highly OC ponies, a highly changed universe in which all the pieces don't fit. Its so bad, that there isn't actually any reason to use MLP FiM as the background universe.
The final nail is that in all, it reads less like a story and more like a bad tasteless endorsement for a religion. It makes you look like an overtly, and inappropriately, evangelizing Christian.
First off, thank you. You actually gave me some feedback.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with your statement about using the MLP FIM universe. I haven't changed Equestria in any way, at least i don't think I have. I've just expounded upon the rest of the world. Yes I have a lot to do with my own made up ponies, I made sure to ware people that they were central to the story, so I also don't see how that is a problem. If you don't like OC ponies I gave you enough warning so shouldn't have read it. Also, what pieces don't fit? If I left a glaring hole somewhere I can try to fix it. Also this story has gotten way bigger than what I had original planned, they weren't even supposed to leave Equestria. I had worked out a relatively short story, about the main six (Twilight and friends) being captured and going to unique imprisonments that suited their personality / talents. Then the story would have them being saved, either by somepony else or after one of them escaped. Upon fleshing out story ideas it evolved into the beast I'm trying to write now.
"bad tasteless endorsement for a religion" Yes I am a Christian, Southern Baptist to be exact. Now I am in no way a super Christian. i have way to many issues to be what you'd call "devout". I have tried to steer clear of actually saying much about what they believe other than that they believe in God and that they pray. If my preacher read this i'd probably be kicked out of church. I understand that some people are really turned off by anything religious, but that's not what I'm trying to focus on. This isn't a religious pamphlet trying to convert anybody. If I had why would I have the missionaries kill ponies? That's not really your ideal christian. Heck, I've left the religion open enough to where any body that believes in a single god that they can pray to, then they can substitute their religion in. I also haven't read any stories about missionaries or other religions in Equestria so I thought it might be something different to write about. I'm also not condemning any religions in this, unless you think that the Sun really is controlled by Celestia. I'm sorry if anybody takes offense at anything religious, but like I said about the OC ponies, I put it in the description that they are missionaries, it's obviously going to have them believe in something, they wouldn't be very convincing missionaries otherwise.
I'm sorry if I jumped on you, I really do appreciate you taking the time to tell me about what you didn't like.
Also,I really wanted to set up the world and characters, because if enough people like it I can foresee maybe writing sequels. These would happen after the events in this one, but not be a continuing story line, this story arc will be completely dealt with in this one. These sequels would be about less serious stuff: less death and religion, more time traveling pirates or something.
Now if you'll excuse me I've got some MLP FIM Hentai to peruse. Ponibooru here I come!
Sorry I meant out-of-character ponies, not original ones. The known characters don't actually feel like the canon ones.
ReplyDeleteAlso I wish to clarify the universe part. The countries that you added don't fit the universe, there seems no logical way for them all to exist together. They seem more like separate planets then countries.
Also you 'seem to be'/are heading towards the direction of rewriting fundamental facts of the universe such as that Celestia can control the Sun. Without this fact the entire canon universe falls apart by the seams.
The substitution argument really doesn't work here as your ponies call their holy books "bibles", which is pretty specific.
As for violent missionaries, that is actually quite believable. Historically many have been known to spread their faith by any means. And being violent doesn't actually reduce endorsement potential if one goes with a righteous warrior type faction/character.
Was there anypony in particular that was really out of character? Don't say Celestia, I've tried to explain why she's like this now and I'll go into it again later in the story.
ReplyDeleteI'll try and also do some more about the countries and why Equestria is so far behind in technology. If you look at our world, compare America and some poor African countris. I see what your getting at and I'll try and go into more detail.
......if you must know, just because the missionaires believe something that doesn't necessarily make it true or Celestia could have just been lieing this whole time. Anything is possible until I actually write it.
You do have a point there...I may go back and change that, but I never said what was in the Bible. (yeah I don't really have a very good excuse, you kind ofgot me there.)
I think there was a cleverly hidden compliment in there..."quite believeable". Anyway, I still don't think I've been doing much of an endorsement. Like I said, if my preacher found out, there would be Hell to pay...litteraly. He'd probably scream that at me while hitting me with a Bible.
Thanks you again for the feedback.
Discounting the princesses, I would say that Fluttershy was way off mark.
ReplyDeleteAs for technology, it doesn't work that way. Even in poor African countries one can get a cellphone. Technology spreads, having more money basically means having larger quantities. And the more technology or magic develops the harder it becomes to isolate a country.
A fic that explains the technology vs magic problem is the Thessalonica Legacy, please read it.
And any civilization on the planet would have noticed the extended night caused by Nightmare Moon. Alicorns having control over celestial bodies is an unavoidable fact. There is no room for Celestia to lie about it, and anybody on the planet that knowns about Celestia will be thinking of her.
The easiest way to fix this fix would be to use a different universe. The best match would be a post-interstellar union/federation setting in which each planet either completely lost technology or slowly regained it.
Was there anypony in particular that was really out of character? Don't say Celestia, I've tried to explain why she's like this now and I'll go into it again later in the story.
ReplyDeleteI'll try and also do some more about the countries and why Equestria is so far behind in technology. If you look at our world, compare America and some poor African countris. I see what your getting at and I'll try and go into more detail.
......if you must know, just because the missionaires believe something that doesn't necessarily make it true or Celestia could have just been lieing this whole time. Anything is possible until I actually write it.
You do have a point there...I may go back and change that, but I never said what was in the Bible. (yeah I don't really have a very good excuse, you kind ofgot me there.)
I think there was a cleverly hidden compliment in there..."quite believeable". Anyway, I still don't think I've been doing much of an endorsement. Like I said, if my preacher found out, there would be Hell to pay...litteraly. He'd probably scream that at me while hitting me with a Bible.
Thanks you again for the feedback.
I cannot access chapter 10. Please fix it.
ReplyDeleteWTF? I don't know what happened with that duplicate post, please ignore it.
ReplyDeleteI may have made Fluttershy a bit overzealous, but I was going for the she was excited about her new found religion. You might say she wouldn't have gone for the religion in the first place. I think that out of all the ponies, she would be the one to convert. Fluttershy would take the most comfort out of knowing there was a "all powerful" pony in the sky looking out for her.
I will go an read Thessalonica Legacy.
Her extended night didn't last super long. It could be explained away somehow. Ponies might think it was a rare once in a million years astrological event. ---Spoiler---If you must know, I'm going to make it where Celestia and Luna do in fact control have control over night and day.
At this point, I'm just gonna role with it. I'll try and come up with a reasonable explanation for the technology not spreading.
To tell you the truth, you've given me a lot to think about. Whenever i start writing my next fanfic I will definitely remember to be more careful about plot holes.
I asked for feedback and that is what I got. Thanks again.
After giving it much consideration, I take back the religion neutral comment. I now realize you can't please everyone, so I'm just going to write and whatever happens happens. If the story calls for an element from a particular religion I'll use it. I'm still not focusing on their beliefs and whatnot too heavily. I'm not trying to convert anybody, read my story and I think you'll agree.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid the grammar needs cleaning up a little, but the grammar is much better than it was.
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept, less than stellar execution.
ReplyDeleteNot bad, per se... Just not great.
But at 2:30 am, I'm tired from pounding away at my own fic, I can't give you a full review at the moment.... Maybe tomorrow, If I wake up that is.
Chapter 11 was very exciting but the Rainbow Dash rape, gah! But it is part of the story. Good story though, keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI think the reason you come off as an overzealous christian is because of your use of the missionary ponies using very christian-specific things. Using a cross necklace is the most obvious, but there are other things like, the bilble, "Lord Almighty", saying amen at the end of a prayer, etc.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWell in order to actually be a Christian missionary you have to actually show you're a Christian. It shouldn't really be a problem. Here's a tip: If you don't like the Christian parts of this fanfic either ignore it or stop reading it. This fanfic is very enjoyable for Christian bronies like myself and even bronies who just love some good action ever once in a while. ^_^ Man what I would give to have one of those cross necklaces w/ the rubies. That's so awesome! :D P.S. Faith is my favorite pony in this story! ^_^
Yay! More comments that aren't soul crushingly negative.
ReplyDeleteApparently I am a failure at grammar, but I'm trying to do better.
Like I said in my authors note in chapter 11, the Rainbow Dash scene is just there to show that she will have her spirit broken. I didn't go into detail or anything with that scene, just implied that it was going to happen. I have to stress that I'm shooting for a relatively happy ending.
I've forgone the whole religion neutral thing. I just used my religion for inspiration and didn't really think that through. But like I've said before, this is not a story meant to convert people. I'm just trying to write a story plain and simple.
Dr. Numbskull, I squee at the thought of you liking one of my ponies. My day has just been made.
Lol Your welcome Dustin. This story really stood out to me because about a week ago I was thinking about what if religion was introduced in FiM. Then a couple of days later this wonderful masterpiece popped up on Equestria Daily. I was literally jumping with joy when I read about Fluttershy and all that. (I don't want to spoil that part, for the sake of the ones who haven't read this.) I was completely stunned at how this was put together so well. I can't wait for more chapters!
ReplyDeleteI think the Rainbow Dash rape fitted the whole scene of the story, but kudos for not getting into detail. And although grammar is an important part to writing, it can easily be ignored. But overall, I like the story and plan to see chapter 12.
ReplyDeleteCelestia doing her best to break rainbow Dash's spirit along with the other 5 Elements and anyone who opposes her for that matter fits in well with the story. The Rape itself does not. Let me explain, personal feelings aside.
ReplyDelete1: It wouldn't work the way you presented it. Rape is a very general and widely used form of submission training but for it to actually be effective (as when pimps break the new runaways they added to their stable) it has to be more than pervy "molestia" style. It needs to be brutal and violent with no question left in the mind of the victim that they are to submit. There should be no chains or bindings because that leaves the victim with the impression that the bonds are responsible for their inability to fight back. Instead the rapist must leave the victim free to fight back and prove to them that their resistance is futile by beating them down and asserting dominance.
2: Rainbow Dash would never submit that easily. The pain from the collar would not be enough to give in to Celestia's instructions. In character, the second Celestia lowered her head RD would have kicked her square in the eye sockets.
3: It makes no sense for Celestia to use such a base tactic when there is so much exploitable weakness in Rainbow Dash's character. Her loyalty to her friends, her love of flying, her idolization of the Wonderbolts, her alleged sexual orientation, her extreme psychological fear of failure, her pride and ego, etc. All would have been so easily manipulated by one with Celestia's resources, yet her ultimate method of breaking RD? Sticks her horn in her pussy. Really?
4: It seems more like this is a choice based on the effect it will have on the readers than on the character it is being done to. Yes you need to get a rise out of the fans, but you never make a decision based on pandering to the fans. As an author your job is to pander to the STORY and let the story pander to the fans.
5: Inferring that this act of rape involved the defloration of a virgin Rainbow Dash was an unnecessarily low blow. It doesn't actually make the act worse, it's just in very bad taste.
6: It is a principal of story telling, good story telling, that you should never craft any event in a story that has the potential to overshadow the story that the event was crafted to tell in the first place.
That's my take on that scene. Overall the scene was not horribly offensive and the narrative reasoning for it is sound, I just feel it was not quite "right".
As for the rest of the story, I neither love it nor hate it. The religious stuff does not bother me but I do feel it is prevented in a very heavy handed way. If you want an example of very devoutly religious warriors who do not necessarily bible thump their way through a plot I recommend you take cues from the Trinity Blood anime.
As for the issue of the world structure: there is nothing wrong with ponies from other areas of the globe being different in appearance, culture or creed, but if there are radical differences between levels of technology and progress in general then you need to posit some kind of logic based explanation. Hell say that Equestria is the equivalent of the Amish if you want, just say something. Celestia wanted to keep her ponies innocent, Equestria is a giant version of the Truman Show Dome, it doesn't have to be perfect, but suspension of disbelief is almost impossible the way it's set up.
Again not saying I hate it, but I'd love to love it...
A shady band of missionaries... I mean, mercenaries! MERCENARIES!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with DPV111. Rape can't accompany of mentally hurting a being. It's forced sexual assault, basically aggression with sex. It could hurt some people, but Rainbow dash's personality doesn't fit with the actions this story took that makes her depressed. Now if she saw many people die in front of her without her being able to help, tahrs one thing. Or physically hurting the Wonderbolts with Rainbow dash unable to help, could plunge her into depression. But rape was a bad fitting to the story.
ReplyDeleteFor Missionaries these fellows are rather proficient in the art of murder, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteI really like it I think it has great depth and plenty of interesting concepts that you can really delve into further later in the story. oh and lyra is my favorite. sort of a sub character but i think her lines were well written
ReplyDeleteoh and dustin dont stop creating these kind of stories!
ReplyDeleteSorry, but here comes negative feedback. Other have already told you about your plot-holes so I will expand on another matter.
ReplyDeleteI find that many of the main characters are out of character, you are forcing them to conform to the story. The role that Fluttershy played for example is highly unlikely as she is the least likely to approach an unknown pony, you should have used Applebloom.
Also please tell me you didn't get off from writing that rape scene, it reads like a self-gratifying lemon.....
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteHell yeah DPV111, stick it to that author!
On a side note, how much experience do you have breaking slaves and forcing them to adhere to their new master's every whim?
@Anonymous
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/0JOwyHghsag
@DPV111
ReplyDeleteHahaha. I found that video to be thoroughly entertaining, so thanks for sharing.
Also, it's a shame that your only experience on slave training comes from books and or your own imagination/fantasies. Ahhhh well.. Keep sticking it to those authors DPV, you can be quite the reviewer when you try.
It won't post my comment for some reason so I'm trying breaking it into chunks.
ReplyDeleteDPV111 thanks you for taking the time to give me feedback.
First off you know way to much about raping people. This isn't the one incident that breaks Rainbow Dash or anything, it's supposed to insinuated that Celestia is doing bad things to her. Yes all those other ideas for Celestia to use are good and I'll probably steal some of them. I'm not planning on going into all the details of everything Celestia does to Rainbow Dash, this isn't a torture fic after all, but she does more than the one time rape.
Secondly, the collar is enchanted and allows Celestia moderate control over movements. That's why I used the word "jerkily" to describe her movements, trying to say that she wasn't fully in control.
I never said she was a virgin, nor did I say she wasn't. To tell you the truth I didn't really think about it one way or the other. I just thought that the "It only hurts at first" line sounded sinister.
I did NOT put that scene in there to get a reaction out of the readers. If I had, I would have gone into lots of detail. I even thought about deleting that whole scene, but I was desperate to have one of the main characters pop up again. It was just a scene that sets up a devastated Rainbow Dash whenever the missionaries finally get back.
After Clare gave me a tongue lashing, I have come up with reasons as to why some countries have technology and others don't. I will talk about Equestria later in the story. Corgia has limited technology, but they are a poor country and can't afford those kinds of luxuries.
Okay, so the chunk thing worked.
ReplyDeleteYuri, after the whole Corgia it really hardened them to the dangers of the world, so they are now prepared to fight back if need be. I should have talked about this more, but Faith kind of loses control if her loved ones are threatened.
awsometown, Thank you very much. I'm relieved at least one person thinks I got at least one pony in character.
anonymous, I disagree about Fluttershy. She didn't want to approach at first, it was Rarity and Spike's curiosity that made them go and listen to the missionaries. Upon hearing them, Fluttershy was ecstatic about their being a "pony in the sky" watching over her. She was so enamored by this that it overcame her normal shy personality and allowed her to go up and talk to Rev. I know Fluttershy is supposed to be shy, but we've seen her do other things than be shy. We have seen her anger when she was at the gala, so why couldn't the same thing happen except she was overly excited and happy?
"Also please tell me you didn't get off from writing that rape scene, it reads like a self-gratifying lemon....." WHAT! I...I...WHAT! No I did not get off. Self-gratifying, what the heck? All that I wrote was "Spread your legs, what are you doing, Celestia's horn entered a very private place, don't worry it only hurts at first." How would you get the idea that I found that erotic.
I regret putting that scene in now. I should have just had Celestia say "You're not special." or something. I was just thinking of a way to show that Rainbow Dash was in a bad situation, and this is what sprung to mind.
Now I'm scared to death to write anything. I've got some people saying that they love my fanfic (I got an epic note on deviant art that made me almost explode with joy) and then there are people who hate my story. I'm afraid I'm going to let down the people that like me and give ammo to those that don't.
I will not give up though. I will get this story done. College is back in session, so I'm not going to have lots of time to write, but I will try and get updates out as soon as I can. As of now, I am about half way done with chapter 13. It mainly focuses on Meldoy/Diamond Horn/Silver. It is running longer than I had thought, so Trixie probably won't show up until chapter 14. Depending on how much I write in chapter 14, I may be able to get back to Equestria. I can't wait to start writing those chapters.
P.S. When it comes to my grammar, what is my worst offense? Is it the commas?
Dustin is gonna love and tolerate the shit out of you
ReplyDeleteHey, Dust. Thanks for responding. I meant my post as constructive criticism, nothing more. I care about good stories and the authors who write them.
ReplyDelete-
"First off you know way to much about raping people."
Lol, sorry to be creepy there. I tend to be a walking encyclopedia. Most of that knowledge comes from fiction (CSI), true crime literature, and my work bringing me into proximity with the marginalized population of my city (Sex workers, victims of the sex trade/human trafficking, drug addicts [who suffer constant abuse and forced sex work due to drug debts], the psychologically unstable and damaged/traumatized, homeless, etc.) and the good people who struggle to help them.
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"It's supposed to insinuated that Celestia is doing bad things to her. I'm not planning on going into all the details this isn't a torture fic after all, but she does more than the one time rape."
I have 2 problems with this line of thinking and while I left my personal feelings out of the critique earlier, I think I'll let them color this a bit:
1: Cliched. RD is tragically and hilariously the proverbial punching bag of the fandom. She is Murdered, murderer, tortured, abuser, abused, pedophile, victim of molestation, maimed, mutilated, crippled, killed, tragic (causes her friends' deaths), insane, raped, sexual assaulter and has the most rumors about her personal life circulating than any other character in the fandom. It's annoying. I don't like to see any of the Mane cast suffer, or any candy colored cartoon pony for that matter, but give he a break. I'm sure one of her friends would be willing to take a turn in the barrel for her.
2: Sometimes insinuating, or vaguely referencing an act or event, based on emotional attachments surrounding that event or the players involved, does not make a significant difference in impact from more descriptive prose. I am not telling you what to put in your story, but if you are gauging something for impact you should keep this in mind. (ie: watching an 11 year old boy beaten to death in the street will haunt you more due to the first hand imagery, but won't necessarily emotionally impact you significantly more than someone telling you Billy's uncle Walter beat Billy to death with a baseball bat). A torture fic would be a fic in which torture takes place, not necessarily a fic ABOUT torture or vividly described. This is why I dislike the Grimdark tag so much. It's used far to widely to gauge the level of disturbing content. I would strongly suggest getting "rape" and "torture" tags added to the "Additional Tags". It might scare away prospective readers but at least they can't say they weren't warned when they come with the pitchforks, torches and cupcakes...
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"Secondly, the collar is enchanted and allows Celestia moderate control over movements. That's why I used the word "jerkily" to describe her movements, trying to say that she wasn't fully in control."
Ah, thanks, that wasn't very clear in the narrative, but then I was concentrating on stopping my hands from shaking, and focusing my blurring vision on the text. So I might have not properly absorbed infer-able information properly.
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ReplyDelete"I just thought that the "It only hurts at first" line sounded sinister."
Yup, it does. Because it's a direct reference to defloration. If you didn't realize that I hope you see where I was confused. Glad this wasn't your intention. My opinion of you has improved significantly from this one issue alone :)
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"I did NOT put that scene in there to get a reaction out of the readers. If I had, I would have gone into lots of detail."
Hoo boy. I guess I did sound a bit vindictive. Sorry about that. What I should say is not that I now think you had chosen to do so, but rather that the choice of... "tactic"... in this scene is in my opinion, of all available options, simultaneously one of the least suitably themed based on the circumstances and one of the most inciting for the readers.
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"I even thought about deleting that whole scene, but I was desperate to have one of the main characters pop up again. It was just a scene that sets up a devastated Rainbow Dash whenever the missionaries finally get back."
Well it is your story, you tell it like you want, and you decide how. I do hope, as I stated, the resolution of this scenario you have set in motion is not overshadowed by the catalyst you chose.
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"I have come up with reasons as to why some countries have technology and others don't. I will talk about Equestria later in the story. Corgia has limited technology, but they are a poor country and can't afford those kinds of luxuries."
Ah good to hear. Perhaps even an addendum side story if it is difficult to work into the narrative?
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"No I did not get off. Self-gratifying, what the heck? All that I wrote was... " _ " How would you get the idea that I found that erotic."
I know this is not directed at me, but I'm such a loudmouth... I wouldn't be so indignant at this query. Have you even seen some of the foulness that authors and artists have put forth? Because they were into it, or others who were requested it? I had a bad reaction to Ch 11, but I have come across things that gave me such pain that I was considering the hospital. Also is it a stretch considering that rape is one of the most common fantasies and fantasy role play scenarios period? both as attacker and victim. Among women more so than men even.
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ReplyDelete"I regret putting that scene in now. I should have just had Celestia say "You're not special." or something. I was just thinking of a way to show that Rainbow Dash was in a bad situation, and this is what sprung to mind."
Uh-uh. No cop outs. Certainly not ones as weak as that. If you want to rewrite that scene eventually I can't say I wouldn't be happy but you need to do it in a way that holds true for your art. I get she's gonna break Dash's spirit, I guess that Dash is either gonna be a wreck, or Celestia's bitch later. I just wish there was a way to accomplish it without the... ickyness of sexual assault I can see this is disheartening for you but please understand that if someone actually had a hate on they would simply leave some crass comment and one star you out of spite. Those who are here, engaging in dialogue, we seek input, we seek understanding, we love fan fiction, your story is liked by many, some have different tastes.
If the story improves in any way from the critiques it has received that benefits us in the form of greater pleasure and joy in the experience of reading it. This benefits you as well and endears you to us that you have crafted something we enjoy.
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"Now I'm scared to death to write anything."
Well here I go. Time to embarrass myself:
I remember when KYM had 2 weepypasta pics involving Dash posted within minutes. The first one created more angst than I thought possible for an image post. The second one people FREAKED RIGHT THE HELL OUT. I am not kidding. And these weren't even grimdark, just sad! We freak out like the little girst this show is intended for, lol so don't take it too hard.
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TL;DR: Really wish you had not gone with rape; Fanfiction is give and take; we'll be here to smack you upside the head if we feel you need it ;P
Wow. Thank you so much for actually taking time to do feedback with me. While this isn't super happy fun time reading these, it does help me as a writer.
ReplyDeleteIf my replies sounded like I was offended, don't take it that way. I like to reply to people who give my feedback and try to explain some of the reasoning behind why i did the things in my story. (and so people won't think I'm some sex fiend or something.)
The reason I chose Rainbow Dash for this was because she has so much self-confidence, she would be the most fun (for Celestia) to break.
Sorry if I wasn't clear enough in my story about the collar.
Yes I see now how you would get confused over "it only hurts at first."
I'm not positive how I'm going to work the "technology" deal into the story, but I've got a couple of ideas.
The line about replacing the scene with "You're not special" was meant as a joke. I am NOT planning on doing rewrites. I think that would be an incredible "I don't care that people will have to read the story again to understand what's going on, screw them I am an artist it is my right to change my work." I would hate for an author to go back and change stuff after I've read it. I will only try to improve future chapters not old ones.
"someone actually had a hate on they would simply leave some crass comment and one star you out of spite" Yeah. (looks at worst story on ED comment)
"Those who are here, engaging in dialogue, we seek input, we seek understanding" And I am grateful for it. All these comments are helping to shape how I tackle future chapters. I hope that I will be able to improve some peoples opinion of me.
Thank you again for helping me improve upon my story. If you continue reading and you see something else stupid, be sure to berate me in the comments.
p.s.
"your story is liked by many" Now who's the one being crazy.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTERS!!!!
ReplyDeleteI CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO READ THEM!!!!
ReplyDeleteNEITHER CAN I!!!
ReplyDeleteThis chapter was ok but what happened to the "Twilight queen"?
ReplyDeleteChapter 14 sucked. I didn't like how it turned out but it was a necessary evil. I had to get back on track with the story and out of flashback.
ReplyDeleteThe "Twilight Queen" is a pony that Flicker believes is an evil mastermind that is trying to take over the world and that only she can stop her. She also now believes that Twilight Sparkle is the Twilight Queen. Is the Twilight Queen real or just a figment of Flicker's imagination?
You'll have to wait and find out!
GRR! I don't want to wait!
ReplyDeleteSPOILERS D:
ReplyDeleteomg celestia is complete bitch owo she raped rainbow dash D:<
So... How many chapters long do you think this will be?
ReplyDeleteNot sure, it shouldn't be too many more, but I kind of just write and stuff happens so it's hard to tell. Also, it says I'm a four star story, Yay!
ReplyDeleteGood plan, because I was about to start reading, and had already had, on chapter one alone, 5 things I saw were very bad;
ReplyDelete1) 'Attempting diplomatic relation.' Moments later: 'I spit at the thought of her.'
2) Celestia immediatley antagonistic after one her own messengers bursts in; +1k years of life, an she has no patience, eh?
3) Celestia hating, and angry before she even knows who it is?
4) The technologically advanced theocracy? Iran, Afghanistan, Ugana: Ha ha, no.
5) THESE are the diplomants, the loudmouth of which the 'revrend' can't keep controll of?
And was gonna go through all 20 chapers, in a similarly aggressive manner. Lucky for you I didn't get to the sex parts.
I did read the comments on the EQ page, and--- just so you know, I'm a militant atheist, so I'm critical as hell, since, whether you intended to or not, ARE in fact, using the fic as a vehicle for your faith. Perhaps not in the advertisement/prothelization (same thing) manner, but in the "I have spinning rims, don't look at my penis" manner (yes, Family Guy).
Just from the first chapter, and said EQ comments, what I think you were doing (again, keep in mind, militant atheist perspective, so no direct aggresion meant):
That you are under the sway of your religious indoctornization to villify any other spiritual outlook that isn't Jesus, and see yours as the be-all end-all solve-all that never causes any problems, and is always right ("For the greater good") in what it does.
That would explain why both the non-christian, AND the christian you talked to may have been disgusted by your fic (I could go on about how that must have been a moderate christian, and that your OCs were closer to what a christian is 'supposed to be like', as supported by the bible--- the joke being that being that kind of a person would make you a horrible person, but that's another lecture). Also, that Fluttershy would convert so easly I also had issue with; it reads like a Chick Tract -- if you don't know, "Jack T. Chick" (cheap allusion to 'Jesus The Christ') is a homophobic, racist, sexist, violently anti-catholic blowhard who writes and draws shitty 16-page prothelization comics where the heroes are always beautiful Aryan Nation (KKK) poster children, and minorities, scientists, gamers, ect, and anyone not Christian are visually ugly, uneducated, troglodytic villans, and apparently live in a world where only a few people know about Jesus, and the rest are actively evil untill they gullibly hear one person mention Jesus once, and they convert full force all of a sudden.
No, you do not want that.
Also, that she would convert after just hearing about Jesus is also OOC for Fluttershy: Discord, the Spirit (AKA: Ghost, God, all the other names for it you wanna call it) of Chaos was unable to 'convert' her through words, and had to personally assault her mind directly to corrupt her, so it'd be arrogant to assume tract-quoting missionaries are gonna do it, just because it's Jesus.
Here, lemme point you to a religiously-themed MLP fanfic done right: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/08/story-book-of-friendship.html
Thank you for sharing this story with me. What I've read so far of chapter one of the reboot seems much improved over the original.
ReplyDeleteSince you are revamping this I will be removing my previous rating. (I would also like to delete all my previous posts but I can't because they were posted before I had an account. If you ask the blog mods to delete them they have my full consent in doing so.)
ReplyDeleteI will not, however be reading the new version.
I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors in the fandom.
Please take the critiques given in the past to heart. If you are going to lob a grenade at the reader, please at least shout a resounding "Fire in the hole" first. Preferably as a disclaimer in the description.
I've been waiting for an author bold and skilled enough to throw some Christianity in with ponies. And now that this story has gone under revisions, I will give it my first read. I don't know anything about the original but I think that's a good thing. The story will be fresh and be of better quality then its past version.
ReplyDeletei'm going to say this, i didn't read the story before the revamp because it didn't look interesting and it was a three star story
ReplyDeletei watched the story grow into four star, but still didn't read it
now that it's been, and going to be, revamped i'm going to read it
i've read the first two chapters that are on there and i must say my interest is peaked, it's a pretty good read so far, but you could add more detail to make it better
i was afraid to read it at first because i looked at the comments and people said "the grammar sucks" or "that pony is OOC" and i even read a couple of comments of Celestia raping Dash *shivers*
well, i hope this version is better and i'll stick with it for the time being
also, can somebody give me a short summary of what the first version of "Blazing Glory" was about,had, or contained?
i'd appreciate it
@ULTRADJ4EVER
ReplyDeleteit is the story of how a young pastry chef overcomes his disability and saves christmas
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
ReplyDeleteIn reality Blazing glory was pretty much a narrative mess. Flashbacks everywhere, multiple chapters long sidetracks, just not good. Basically, Celestia freaks outs and starts killing ponies after some missionaries show up, the missionaries flee back to there home land with many a flashback along the way. then they form a team and go back to Equestria. Go along a "find the elements of harmony" type deal. That's where the story was at when I decided to scrap it.
I made many, many, many mistakes in my first cut and am loathe for anyone to have read it. I rushed through chapters and half baked ideas trying to get chapters out fast and my story suffered.
I am doing everything in my power to make this one better, including having an awesome prereader who points out stuff I would never even think of.
And yes, Rainbow was "raped" although I could argue against it. That won't be happening this time. No sir buddy, I learned that lesson the hard way.