[Normal] I knew as soon as I saw this in my inbox what image it should have.
Author: SomeGuy
Description: A Heatwave has descended on Equestria and Twilight and her friends are trying to find ways to stay cool.
Beating the Heat
Additional Tags: Heatwave, staying cool, power of friendship, Everypony
41 comments:
First
ReplyDeleteRainbow Dash does not need cooling to stay cool.
ReplyDeleteGonna read this :3
Cutie Mark Crusaders Air Conditioners!
ReplyDeleteWhat is this!?!? Not the story, gonna read it in a few..
ReplyDeleteAll over this blog images are being replaced with black squares with White exclamation point triangles in them. !!
Anyone else having this problem.
I noticed like 2 earlier today, now its like half of all the images. Refreshing does nothing, the same images are down. And every now and then a new one goes black white triangle fail.
Someone else having this problem!?!
@Myles
ReplyDeleteI have that problem, but only on the "We Love Fine" post. Everything else is just fine.
Glad to be of assistance.
ReplyDeleteFun premise, but a number of typos and spelling errors.
ReplyDeleteGiven my entry in the flash fiction event a while back, I must investigate this story.
ReplyDeletewhats cooler than being cool? ice cold...
ReplyDelete@RainbowYoshi
ReplyDeleteThat was the first picture that was funked up for me. Now its more than half the blog :\
@Myles
ReplyDeleteIt's so bad now the banner is even like that.
Good premise, but the grammar could really do with some work. Spelling errors abound. The only other thing is that the characters seem a little rushed as part of the narrative. For example, in the library scene, you have an argument about to break out between Rainbow, Applejack and Rarity, and then it's instantly defused and all's well again. Same thing happens later when Rarity's showing off her idea. You bring up the conflict and then quickly shoo it away again, which reads awkwardly.
ReplyDelete@Myles
ReplyDeleteHAH I am talking to myself now yay~
Ok so like 3 images just reverted back to the original.. this is so bizarre.
I know the feeling, its 97 here and my AC went out :(
ReplyDelete@Myles
ReplyDeleteYeah Half the images on the site are doing it right now for me, It will probably be fixed soon
@RainbowYoshi
ReplyDeleteI was gonna say "same here," but the Of The Time Before post is doing it now too.
I don't think it's so weird that image links are getting broken—this is the internet, this kind of thing happens from time to time. What I do think is weird is that it seems to be different for every person.
There was a point in there where I thought AJ should have said 'Mah popsicles! They done been licked!"
ReplyDeleteAll in all, a fun read. X3
I like the concept for this story, but it definitely could stand to have some more work done on it to polish it.
ReplyDelete1) As has been said there are quite a few grammatical issues and misspellings that hamper the story. The author really should go over this story again and fix them.
2) The dialogue feels very stiff at times. More use of contractions would make it feel more natural.
3) Finally, I can't help but feel like Fluttershy's characterization is really off. She is far too assertive at times in this story; especially when she's resolving the argument at the beginning.
It's not bad for a first story, but it could be a lot better if it were given some TLC. And yes, that's "Tender Loving Care" in this instance; not "Totally Lost Cause". Not by a longshot.
@Gypsy
ReplyDelete"awright awright awright awright awright awright awirightawright"
"Heeeeeeeeyyyyyyy yaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! Heeeyyy yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!"
Ahem... sorry
Well, I think that it's a rather fine concept - but as others have mentioned, some parts seem a little rushed or anti-climactic in a sense and there are a fair few typos errors lurking around. That said, I think with some tweaking this could easily be translated into an episode, and it's refreshing to see the 'slice of life' style of writing after I've read so many sagas, epics and grim tales.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't a particularly outstanding read, but I think that it was nice. 4 stars should suffice.
ReplyDeleteThere's one little thing that made me raise my brow though: AJ's hat being made of animal hide? With themselves being ponies and having coats? Really?
But when it gets too hot, the ponies are supposed to be unable to walk and then build a waterslide out of leftovers from Rainbow Dash's dress! Whatever happened to CANON. :(
ReplyDeleteWas an lovely little read.
ReplyDeleteWell that was plain adorable. It's been said too many times about the errors: wording, typos, yadda yadda so I'll leave that alone. The concept is definitely something I'd expect from a canon episode though; something that's also been said before.
ReplyDeleteSo... overall, fun little read that didn't take too much thought-process. Three stars!
Mr. Breezy must be rolling in bits by now.
ReplyDeleteLlama thinks you naiLled Pinkie Pie so weLl that it hurts.
ReplyDeleteNeeds some serious editing..... But everything else is excellent and made for an interesting read. :D If you're not sure how something is spelled, GET A NERD FRIEND to check it for you. <3
ReplyDeleteThe Author here. I am happy that everyone generally likes the story and I freely admit that it is not the best fan fiction story around.
ReplyDeleteI admit that the pace does feel a bit rushed in places and I probably ended conflicts a little too quickly. I do see Fluttershy as being capable of acting assertive at times, especially when a "mother's touch" is needed, but will catch herself thereafter.
I don't know, I had the story checked and rechecked, I thought that any and all spelling and grammar errors had been corrected. What am I missing?
I like it! The conversation between Pinkie and Twilight about Twilight's invisible smarty pants needs to happen in-show.
ReplyDeleteI am curious as to why - if they have spas and bathtubs - no one though of a swimming pool.
This was a pleasant little story that was nice to read, though admittedly nothing about it particuarly stands out for me. Perhaps a little more comic relief would have made this story "click" for me, but that's just me... Still, it was a fun little read and I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteWas it just me or was anyone else expecting that the solution would be a combination of everypony's ideas?
ReplyDeleteThings just seemed to fit so perfectly and it would be something Twilight would be likely to think of and learn about, that by working together they accomplish more than anypony thought of on their own.
Hear me out:
The lightning discharge from the cloud would be conducted by Rarity's hat, and thus even non-unicorns could use it.
The thermal insulating material from Fluttershy's blanket could be used on Pinkie's water bottles.
Admittedly I don't quite know how to work in the popsicles but you could just put the apple cider in your drink helmet/hat.
It makes for a really comical image, throw in the invisible pants and we have a pony stillsuit but just seems to fit very well.
@SomeGuy
ReplyDeleteWell, I'll pluck out a couple of examples and then hopefully you'll be able to spot the others more easily.
"She was starting to loose patience", should be lose.
"Dash reiterated dragging her hooves over her face in an exaggerated fashion" to me should have a comma.
"Rainbow shock her head and crossed her front hooves in front of herself for added effect" should be 'shook'... etc.
Most of the examples are using the wrong word that is spelt differently but pronounced the same, or a lack of commas and/or other punctuation, really.
So um. Imagine my surprise when I checked ED today to see my name attached to a story.
ReplyDeleteNo relation, ponies. Carry on.
I hit the fourth paragraph and saw four wrong words ("passed":"past", "your":"you're", "quite":"quiet", "loose":"lose"). My inner grammarian would not let me read further.
ReplyDeleteSpelling/grammar errors--should get a beta for those.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm with nifboy, I couldn't go past the first few pages.
It seems that Twilight is trying to solve the wrong problem.
ReplyDeleteInstead of trying to make the heat transfer spell safe for use on living creatures, she should be trying to make it so that it is a stable enchantment between two objects.
CFC free air conditioning anyone?
@SomeGuy
ReplyDeleteJust to give a few examples for you:
Now just pipe down and be quite - Pretty sure you meant "quiet", not "quite". They are two very different words.
“And now I turn the preceding over to Twilight Sparkle . . . - "Proceedings", not "preceding".
“Scruffy!” Applejack whinnied. “Now see hear Rarity. - "Here", not "hear".
“I recon you may have a point there.” - It's "reckon". "Recon" is short for "reconnaissance".
You might think these are minor or even not worth your time, but they detract from the story and make it less enjoyable and more difficult to read since the reader is left trying to figure out what you actually meant to say.
Also, I have to stress that dialogue should sound like how the characters would actually speak to one another. Unless it's a specific aspect of their character, most people (and ponies) use contractions rather often. "Wouldn't" instead of "would not", "it's" in place of "it is" and so on.
With regards to Fluttershy's assertiveness, yes she can be assertive when the situation really calls for it. So far, however, the only times that such has been the case have been when her friends have been in mortal danger (ie. dragon, cockatrice). I have serious doubts that she would take such an attitude towards her friends no matter how much they were shouting at each other. There's nothing in the canon of S1 to indicate she would do such a thing.
And finally, please do not take these criticisms as offensive or an attack. I'm really just pointing out things that can be worked on. You have a really good core story here and it could be made quite a bit better with just a little extra work. Don't be disheartened, everyone starts somewhere. My first fics were atrocious, but I had fun writing them and that's all that really matters. If you had fun writing this then it's mission accomplished; however, if you want to write more in the future and become a better writer then you have to be willing to take criticism and use it to work to improve.
I thank everyone that took the time to read and comment on my story and I am attempting to find and correct all the spelling and grammar errors. I honestly did have the story proofread before submitting it. I have realized that my characterization of Fluttershy is off.
ReplyDelete@DJLowrider I did want people to point out my mistakes. I am a novice writer and this is the first time I have ever written fan fiction. There are so many talented people contributing to this fandom and I didn't want to just take without giving something of my own back. I have no editing software, I'm not a musician and I can't draw to save my life. I had a fun little idea for a story that I tried, to the best of my abilities, to bring to life.
@Crazy Eddie That was in an early draft of the story, but I felt it was to predictable (Guess it still is) and I wanted a ending more like the show.
@SomeGuy (Humor) This could get confusing.
The pre-readers are getting sloppy.
ReplyDelete@henke37
ReplyDelete*Raise an eyebrow*
Meh ? If you say so ?
-----
>“Oh I remembered I just wanted to see the flashback of when it was cooler,” Pinkie smiled.
-Ahhh, the magic of flashbacks ;). They can be used in so many ways, many of them with good humor.
Also : Pinky Pie's Quantum Powers ;).
>Twilight said pointing a hoof at her head and the giant purple puff ball
-A ''disco-ball'' mane must be quite the sight. :)
>“As your... you… Yucca elata,” Twilight quickly recovered.
-A bit of a stretch, but meh... It's Twilight, so I guess it works.
>“Sure think Spike. I have a feeling that tomorrow will be even cooler than today.”
-Heh, the pun. ;)
... Again, using the rare, mysterious and incredible power to be able to read something while not being stopped by grammar (like MANY other people above, apparently ?), I was able to read this story and enjoy it, to a point. Honestly, it was a good story using a simple idea; 'It's hot. What do ponies do ?'. Personally, I thought that, at some point near the end, that the 6 Main would have taken all their ideas together to create some Super-Cooling contraptions (a bit like what Pinky Pie often does ;) ) ...
Why didn't Twilight just use the spell on the fins of some of the fans they were using to keep cool
ReplyDelete