[Human in Equestria][Sci-Fi] Human in Equestria, but apparently the opposite of what we normally see.
Author: Muppetz
Description: The Princesses find an alien creature barely clinging to life at the scene of a terrifying crash. Can the Combined Power of the Elements of Harmony save it, or more importantly, should they save it?
ARTICLE 2 Part 1
ARTICLE 2 Part 2
ARTICLE 2 Part 3
ARTICLE 2 Part 4
ARTICLE 2 Part 5
ARTICLE 2 Part 6
ARTICLE 2 Part 7
ARTICLE 2 Part 8
ARTICLE 2 Part 9
ARTICLE 2 Part 10
ARTICLE 2 Part 11
ARTICLE 2 Part 12
ARTICLE 2 Part 13
ARTICLE 2 Part 14
ARTICLE 2 Part 15
ARTICLE 2 Part 16 (New!)
Additional Tags: Long, Suspense, Philosophical, Adventure, Action
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504 comments:
Title is ARTICLE 2. Is that just the name or are we missing a piece?
ReplyDeleteYou're not missing a piece.
ReplyDelete...If this is yet ANOTHER story that harps on how humans are evil heartless bastards and how ponies are the only good things in the universe then I'm going to scream...
ReplyDeleteWhy so double spaced?
ReplyDeleteI usually don't read Humans in Equestria stories, but this one sounds interesting.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteSecond
You used handful.
ReplyDeleteWelp, this story was rather odd. Didn't see the end coming.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hay did the human tried to accomplish by running away like this? I seriously can't think of any scenario where this would look like a good idea.
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting.
ReplyDeleteTHE HUMAN BETTER END UP BEING GOOD OR I'LL DAMN KILL YOU AUTHOR.
Oop, looks like someone wants obey the prime directive really badly
ReplyDelete@ anonymous 9:11
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, we probably *would* conquer Equestria, enslave its citizens, and strip mine it for fossil fuels given the chance.
Ewwwww, double spacing. Past that, this story was okay. A few painfully obvious errors here and there, that should of been caught by any editors you had, but nevertheless it was an interesting story. I was hoping it would have a nicer ending to the first chapter, though since it's incomplete I am assuming that what you imply happened actually didn't.
ReplyDeleteWell, this story was very well put together. As others have said, the double spacing was rather off putting, but that's not too much of a big deal.
ReplyDeleteOverall, well structured with a good amount of imagery and character.
That said, what on earth was up with the human? Why would running like that ever be a good idea? What would posess someone to take that course of action?
Also, the ending... I'm not sure whether it's incredibly unsatisfying or oddly refreshing given the course of most HIE stories...
Hey, I see sentient ponies with magic, i'd freak the fuck out as well...probably not do what he does in the end, but still.
ReplyDeleteI saw the ending coming from a mile away. As soon as I learned that there was a gun, I knew it could only be used to have the human off himself.
ReplyDeleteThe alien you caught and already classified with the ability to eat pony flesh has a possible weapon in his possession.
ReplyDeleteWhere do you store it?
Right next to him.
Yeah...
And that he tried to run away, I am pretty sure that was so he can't be interrogated and may betray the space marines or something.
@MyCutieMarkisaGUN
ReplyDeleteFossil Fuels? Try all the natural resources. Gems (They seem plentiful in the show), lumber, you name it. Hell, everything in Equestria probably is better than on earth. All the foods, even meats would be valuable. Pony pornography would be valuable as well. Equestria would be worth trillions if taken over by Humans.
@MyCutieMarkisaGUN
ReplyDeleteSo are you a COMPLETE idiot, or just trolling?
1: We reached another planet. If we can do that, we no longer need fossil fuels.
2: WE DON'T NEED SLAVES BECAUSE WE HAVE ROBOTS. Add that to the fact that the main character is from the U.S.A. and you realize that slavery is impossible.
3: Any raw materials (Iron, Uranium, Copper, etc.) we would need are more easily found, and mined, in an asteroid belt once you have reached that kind of technology.
This is a "Prime Directive" situation, with little to no hope of rescue. The best he can do is limit the damage by killing himself.
I'm wincing here. Awesome idea, kinda poor execution. Oh man.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, describe things. You're telling me what happens but you're not showing me. Your sentences are all pretty much the same. Spice things up. K9 is spelled canine. I can think of only one time where the usage of 'K9' is appropriate and this isn't a police drama. Tons of assumptions on Celestia's part. Why list his age if it all boils down to 'I don't know?' Why can the ponies read English? For the most part, the Mane 6 are window dressing. Once in a while, one of them pipes up, but so far it's 'plot dump' via Celestia. Ehhh....
I'm going to read the second part because this idea really is that awesome but I'll be wincing through the entire thing.
@10z20
ReplyDeleteHasn't anyone here heard of Trade? You know, a mutually beneficial exchange of resources based on the agreement of two or more parties.
@10z20
ReplyDeleteI'd just love to see a story where humans try that and get just stomped. Magic, god empresses, and a universe that follows the rules of idealism would do that.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI suppose mutually beneficial trade could happen, but with the threat of violence, increasing our gains. As long as the ponies submit and cooperate, I suppose conquest would be unnecessary.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI believe he is assuming Equestria is another universe/dimension, reached in our current time period, not a far away planet.
@10z20
ReplyDeleteWarning: Internet Tough Guy in range.
I'm going to love and tolerate you my friend. I think you need a hug.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteStomped? Magic in Equestria is not all powerful. Twilight has her limits, I'm sure Celestia does as well. The ponies are not violent, and so we could assume we would get the first strike. Pegasi and earth ponies would be useless, being killed with simple bullets, and only the most powerful unicorns could resist, but not for long. We don't know Celestia's limits, so that is open to assumption.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOh, that happened. If you can find it, look up the story "Interdimensional"
You'll realize why nobody else has done it since...
It's good.
ReplyDelete@ 10z20
ReplyDeleteYou're injecting real world physics into a world where friendship is magic and there are magical talking ponies. They would befriend the hell out you and me and we wouldnt even see it coming.
I, for one, welcome our glorious friendly overlords.
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete"Oh yeah, that'd be great, humanity sure is evil and greedy, they'd get what's coming to them, ponies ftw"
>_> please, don't be an idiot.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteJust to clarify, personally, I would NOT want to conquer Equestria if the situation arose. Just saying, in a real-life scenario, the greedy men that control our planet would place the well-being of the ponies at the bottom of their list of concerns. Leaders of nations look after their nations first, and if their nations would benefit off of strip mining Equestria, then that would be a possibility. Not to mention the internal crisis that would arise from discovering such a world. Religious fanatics would be furious, and I imagine many groups would be formed with the intent of destroying Equestria.
@10z20
ReplyDeleteBecause the ones with sympathy are in the minority right. Just as many, if not more activists would be protesting that.
Maybe i'm naive or a bleeding heart, but I like to think humanity is inherently good, not evil.
Well done, great spin on the HIE concept. Has a few minor proofreading issues in the beginning, but they certainly don't take away from the story.
ReplyDelete@Josh
ReplyDeleteActivists would be protesting, assuming the governments publicize such a discovery. I'm not saying we would be there instantly and destroy everything. I am saying the situation would be SO complex with so many different nations trying to take advantage of this mecca of wealth, that Equestria would victim to some abuse. I believe Humanity is inherently neutral, and simply follows the most basic of evolutionary adaptations. That we do what we must to survive, flourish, and crush all those who get in our way, ignoring morality.
@ShadowFox04
ReplyDeleteI believe Article 2 is a reference to the USMC Code of Conduct.
Article II: I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist.
>fluttershy playing with ladybug
ReplyDeleteI think I just died.
>Pinkie Pie giving away cookies
ReplyDeleteI JUST DIED AGAIN DANG IT
@Josh
ReplyDeleteNothing is "inherently" evil. Such a thing is impossible.
You don't "make good choices" in a long stream of mistakes, you make mistakes in a long stream of good choices!
being "evil" or any form of that is a chosen path. One does not exist to simply "destroy one's self". What would the point of that be? why not just not exist in the first place?
i really liked it and cant wait to see more
ReplyDeleteHow can there be a part 2 if he's dead?
ReplyDelete"four k9 teeth jutting..."
ReplyDeleteYou mean "canine." K9 is a unit designation among law enforcement.
Also, the healing spell was a bit flashy; one would think they were attempting to resurrect the dead or something going by the visuals alone, not just heal him.
Other than that though it's pretty good.
I get the feeling we're going to have one of those, "My very presence here contaminates/changes the world." Although it's kind of misanthropic to set up a plot that would have humans worsening the world by their presence alone...
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOther humans will probably come.
Ignoring all the other stuff above...it looks more like he is trying to keep something from tracking him...Think about it, no reason to kill himself right off the bat without at least trying to determine if there is rescue coming, but if something was chasing them and they knew they would be crashing on a neutral planet ahead of time?
ReplyDeleteI thought it was a great story. I'm more than a little disappointed on how it ended, but who knows what the next part has in store.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't get why people have to be so overcritical of other peoples writing. This person attempted to share with you something they imagined, and you pick the hell out of it. Say thanks, and move on.
Wow this was good up to the end. I was grinning most of the way. But why would they put the gun in his room, and why did he do that? I suspect question 2 may be answered by the next episode.
ReplyDeleteGood story.
ReplyDeleteThis was actually really good. I sincerely hope the Marine didn't manage to shoot himself though. He seemed like a good guy from the brief glimpse we have of him so far. And if it were to end now, I'd be very disappointed in the author for purposely disappointing the readers.
ReplyDeleteSide note: heck yeah M1911 pistol.
Side note 2: Dash and a U.S. Marine would get along just fine.
Why did the ending have to be like that D:
ReplyDelete@ActionScripter9109
ReplyDeleteLevitation spell to throw gun aside? ;D
Am I the only one who doesn't think he's crazy for trying to escape, as far as he's concerned he wakes up trapped in a sterile room, with no call button it appears, and what comes into the room, a god damn miniature horse.
ReplyDeleteThen comes the "never give up, never surrender" part of the equation.
And as someone else pointed out, he's maybe being traced.
He's cornered and alone, who wouldn't freak out in such a situation
Just got done reading this, pretty good story. Interesting to see the human as an alien from the pony's perspective.
ReplyDelete@ActionScripter9109 The author claims that there still is a part 2, so I'd say the marine somehow didn't die.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if anyone's ever thought of doing a HIE story where the humans and pony's live side by side in a alternate universe and its med evil times and they have work together to fight off dragons, griffons, and wolves. That would be pretty cool right?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous 12:06
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, if i waked up locked somewhere i would think the worst and would rather kill myself than given my alien captors a chance to torture me.
Don't usually like the HiE types but this one has my attention. Very curious about part 2!
ReplyDeleteHopefully Part 2 will make me stop hating this story.
ReplyDelete@10z20
ReplyDeleteHoly FUCK you just gave me a great idea for a fanfic, you clever (Unintentionally, i suppose) dog!
@ Anonymous 12:06
ReplyDeleteThey're cuddly, colourful marshmallow ponies with flowers and butterflies on their arses. I don't think I would be afraid they would torture me.
Sorry, I meant Anon 12:37.
ReplyDeleteAny minor errors in spelling or whatever had barely crossed my mind while reading this suspenseful story. Great job author. The ending caught my by surprise.
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed. I've avoided reading any Human in Equestria fics until now because it didn't seem like something which would be done well. However the description got me interested and I'm glad I read it. Really good story thus far, I'm looking forward to the next part.
ReplyDeleteConsidering how long he was bedridden, I cannot fathom how he was able to make any escape attempt at all.
ReplyDeleteI like how the Marine doesn't seem like an idiot like most portray them. I hate that stigma.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for more! ;3
This was brilliant, the way the ponies reacted to the foreign objects and 'alien' felt enormously credible, and frankly, sent shivers down my spine as I realized what was being described. The language was straight and to the point, with the occasional profanity thrown in during the more intense sequences serving to emphasize the situation's severity. Most captivating, however, was the way twilight mused over the Alien's nature while studying it's appearance. I am very interested in how this will turn out philosophically and feel that you have a golden opportunity here to achieve what authors like Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams do so successfully, to describe the nature of the human condition through the fresh eyes of a 'foreigner'. Sir or madam, I applaud your efforts and eagerly await the next part!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great beginning to an entirely engrossing tale. I also applaud your effort thus far and await your next installment!
ReplyDeletePfft. Sweet Celestia, at this rate ya'll will be saying that a Alicorn could take Goku. Hey, newsflash, if they wanna play hardball with humanity, humanity has shit like nukes and Anthrax and VX gas. Yeah, the U.S destroyed their BioChem stockpiles but I'm sure we could be like "Yo, Russia, we need to genocide some cute pony world homie" and Putin would be all "I got chu nicca". Celestia may survive but her subjects sure won't - helloooooo Fallout: Equestria!
ReplyDeleteOh and of course Equestria could be strip mined for more than just oil, you silly fillies! Soldiers in NBC suits could set up the giant robotic excavators and mountaintop removal mine sites. ^_^
Like others have said, wonderful idea, terrible execution. I won't bother to list the plot holes that others have listed already, that would be redundant. The buildup was fine, the scene-setting was fine, but every action that the Marine takes simply makes no sense, even in light of the Marine Code of Conduct. No reason was given for why he should be fighting. After all, he is literally in a first contact situation. He knows nothing about the locals and they know very little about him. If I woke up in a hospital room in a similar situation, I'd at least stick around to talk to whoever found me and find out their intentions before I grabbed my gun and made a hasty departure.
ReplyDeleteIf they did turn out to be hostile, then yes of course he's obligated to escape, but you'd think that he'd be smart enough to get some communication going before he flips out. Others have observed that he doesn't act like an idiot, but I'm going to have to disagree. I find this portrayal highly unbelieveable.
As has been said, if I woke up to multicolored magical talking ponies after I was just in a horrible crash situation AND I have had marine training (from what I've seen military stuff kinda messes with you), I don't think this is too far off of what would happen. It is also however one of those situations where a delicious dollop of logic would solve the whole thing. "Excuse me [insert horrible situation here], may I speak with whoever your boss is?"
ReplyDeleteIt was good.
ReplyDeleteThat's all I have to say.
I will expect a part two soon.
@10z20
ReplyDeleteThe Free Market has spoken and IT WANTS PONY BLOOD. Scramble the Predator Drones.
Oh, dang. You liberal educamated guys are killing me here. Go read more than a history book about Chinese coolies or how Columbus raped his way across South America.
ReplyDeleteWhether or not war would ever reach some place like Equestria is far more complicated than you can imagine. First, a lot of the factors that caused kingdoms to war with their neighbors over resources are gone now. The cost of war is so high that doing so, at least by anything like a first world nation, is just not feasible. Far cheaper to open up trade relations, if it even makes sense to get resources from Equestria at all.
Finally, dragons listen to ponies and try to keep a low profile.
You ever wonder what was done to ensure that dragons did not lord it over everyone else?
Yeah, I bet Celestia had a nice, very WARM, talk with dragonkind at some point.
pretty good. ill defiantly read the second part
ReplyDeletethe marine probably should have gave them a reasonable reason(sorry) for him to let him go, like he... i guess anything he says wouldn't make much sense if he couldn't talk about it.
ReplyDeleteGood story though, different entrance than other HiE's
~Appletank
Appletank here, i meant for the guards to let him go
ReplyDelete@Scribbs
ReplyDeleteThat's assuming the ponies wouldn't limit the amount of resources they are willing to trade with us. Who knows if ponies would have a xenophobic mindset towards humans? If they tried to kick us out, with fears that we might mistreat them, I bet my life savings that our governments wouldn't just leave at the polite request of Celestia.
The title is "Article II"
ReplyDeleteI've read this when it was first posted on ponychan. It looks promising.
DAMN....somepony beat me to it.....oh well, It's probably allready been done even before this..
ReplyDeleteLike others said, the execution needs some work. Please don't take it as harsh criticism; it's just that you need to polish this to really turn it into a diamond.. Right now it's too rough.
ReplyDeleteThere are moments you raise to interesting levels of storytelling, then you take a nosedive and simply start relating things; it's about telling a story, not giving a recipe. You NEED to use the semicolon and colon more, maybe even some parentheses. Also, when you describe the distances, you should use words, not digits. (Fifteen feet instead of 15 Feet). The exception is if you are calling out a designator (TXH1138, for example).
Finally, when you greet someone, you have to insert a comma, like this: "Hello, Princess Celestia."
Again, please don't take this as harsh criticism. Your story has the potential to hit five stars, but you absolutely have to make it be so. Why be a Michael Bay when you can be a Christopher Nolan?
>write story about pony cartoon
ReplyDelete>inspire debate about the nature of humanity
Mission Accomplished
Actually, it seems that an Alicorn does possess upper tier Dragonball Z powers. Either Celestia controls the rotation of an entire planet as well as its inertia and gravity so that if it suddenly stops rotating, nothing flies off like unsecured luggage in the back of a pick up truck - OR she can make the sun revolve around a planet negating the gravity of a star.
ReplyDeleteSince she has the ability to perfectly control cosmic objects with her mind, Celestia could easily toss someone out of the solar system entirely or just pop them like a soap bubble.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeletecelestia's healing spell cured the muscle decay
I liked this story, even if it may have suffered from a couple plot holes. And I await part two.
ReplyDeletePinkie Pie with the sunglasses was perfect though. That moment killed me. XD
All this "who would win in a fight, Celestia or Galactus" stuff is kind of silly.
ReplyDeleteIn the case of humans discovering Equestria, assuming transport between the two were cheap enough to make any sort of money-making arrangement possible, I really don't see any good reason why war would be the result. As pointed out by others above, _trade_ is likely to be the best approach. Each world has stuff that they consider mundane and that the other considers fantastical. Dropping nukes on Canterlot would just wreck everything and benefit nobody.
Anyway, looking forward to seeing part two and finding out what the heck is on Shane's mind. I'm guessing Shane isn't dead. This is a classic cliffhanger scenario, we heard a gunshot go off and a body hit the ground but I bet it's because somepony knocked Shane down to save him or something along those lines.
As a standalone, the first installment of this "Reverse Roswell" is more TRAGIC than anything else.
ReplyDelete@Muppetz
ReplyDeleteAll my bits. Take them!
Hey guys, let's keep something in mind here. The Marine has just survived a fiery crash onto an unknown planet. For the sake of argument, let's assume that he was conscious during that event. After this traumatic event, he falls into a coma. And let me point out that, falling into a coma after a traumatic event like that can lead into some very intense and strange "dreams" within his comatose mind. On top of all this, he wakes up in a strange, quarantine-type room to flashing lights and a multitude of medical machines and alarms, ALL going batshit.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that anyone could judge as to what a reasonable or logical response or course of action would be to that situation.
The story was well-written and creative, but, as has been said, you should apply some more storytelling and showmanship.
Overall, I liked it. Good Job. I can't wait for more!
I can't seem to agree with everypony. The human acted like we all would, Human. You crash land on a planet, you wake up in some room with tubes sticking in ya. And a weird creature staring at you.
ReplyDeleteYou would be freaking out. Fear, it's what saves us humans. It was only natural for what he did.
@MyCutieMarkisaGUN
ReplyDeleteThe Earth prepares to launch its nukes and bio-weapons at Equestria (and they have FTL-capable delivery systems, or something). Celestia puts in the sun in the Earth's core, continues her tea with Luna. Problem solved.
I believe I have an explanation:
ReplyDeletePoor bloke wakes up, wildly staring at the ceiling. He realizes he's in a hospital bed and that he must be on Equestria's surface. As a feeling of safety and thankfulness rises in him, he lets his head fall sideways. He sees the cupcake next to the bed.
Everything he does from that point is self explanatory.
Hmmm.... Cupcake next to him seems to make everything make sense now that I think of it...
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story. It was unique and a fun little departure from your average MLP fanfic. In fact, I was working on something similar in which a team of Cavalry troopers in the US army find themselves in Equestria after the core 6 find the sixth element of harmony. My idea was that because matter cannot be created or destroyed, it was hidden somewhere else. I placed it in Afghanistan, which works from a historical standpoint because a lot of the ancient Indo-Asian cultures worshiped horses. My idea was that these soldiers are basically sucked into a reality-bending vortex after the girls do their thing and end up stuck in time and space before crashing their humvee into the ruins and basically living dangerously in the Everfree forest until they were discovered, at which point it would be a manhunt for these five individuals who would probably start going insane based on the absurdity of their newfound environment.
ReplyDeleteWell, reading over some of of these comments, it comes to bear the question, "How did that civilization die?", "Oh, the human civilization? They dared to oppose pony-kind.", "Well, it's a good thing Twilight Sparkle is my favorite pony." Yeah, that kind of question.
ReplyDelete@Greeniepie
ReplyDeleteBecause people won't get better otherwise? If everyone was praised for everything, everything would suck utter shit.
I'm VERY happy EqD isn't a community of cheerleaders, unlike FF.net
As for this story...well it was very interesting. A number of technical mistakes (there was a second person in there) and the ending....sigh. Just not what looked like was going to happen. Other people's complaints I mostly agree with too.
OH MY GOD! That was unexpected! OH MY GOD! I kinda deduce what will happen next, and i wish it didn´t turn the direction it did, but amazing nevertheless.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOh god, you´re right, the implied thing cant be it, i hope it isn´t.
I really liked this story. Aside from some errors and needing a bit more detail to some places, you handled the human element rather well.
ReplyDeleteSeeing as there will be more to this story, I really hope something interfered with him shooting himself.
For anyone who's interested, this goes surprisingly well with the ending.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=653
lol just from the description. humans "crashing" in their "ships" on equestria... oh the suggestive themes.
ReplyDeletelol just from the description. humans "crashing" in their "ships" on equestria... oh the suggestive themes.
ReplyDelete@Greeniepie
ReplyDeleteBeing overcritical is something to be wary of, but one shouldn't be lax in critiquing either. A story that's not being told how it could use polishing is a story that's not going to improve.
@Greeniepie
ReplyDeleteBeing overcritical is something to be wary of, but one shouldn't be lax in critiquing either. A story that's not being told how it could use polishing is a story that's not going to improve.
@Eric
ReplyDeleteI fucking lol'd
One point I'd like to make to those who think humans would mine Equestria. Assuming Equestria has roughly the same gravity as earth the amount of energy to transport that much material off a planet is astronomic even if humans have FTL travel. It would be far easier to mine asteroids then you don't gotta pay the gravity tax. Also if they do mine planets and can ignore this energy cost of taking it off planet for some reason, it would be far easier to set up on a planet that doesn't support life so you don't have the Lorax bustin' outa the woods telling you he speaks for the indigenous life who in this case HAVE FUCKING MAGIC! Bottom Line: In a pure Cost Vs. Benefit analysis occupying and or subjugating Equestria would not be a good business move.
ReplyDeleteIsn't there suppose to be a sequel?
ReplyDeleteThis was really good, and the ending came out of no where, somewhat. I expected the major(?) to give in, not commit suicide.
ReplyDeleteMoar! Nao!
Very interesting. The ending was rather unsatisfying. I look forward to part two.
ReplyDeleteWant moar.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he missed and fainted from exhaustion! :D
ReplyDelete(oh I really hope he didnt die)
almost 2 weeks, still waiting on this page. CANT STOP THE WAIT, any hints on when the next chapter will be ready?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeletesoon
Some are saying that the ending was unsatisfying. Well, if he did die, then something BIG will happen. I think that more humans are coming and i really hope to see more interaction betwen men and ponies.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was very good actually.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it has been revised since its first outing, I noticed a few of the things in the comments weren't in the story I read.
I would love to read more, but the main focus is dead (unless magic managed to shift that gun in time, but I doubt it)
I need more, i want to know what happened. You can´t judge a story for 1 chapter, i want the full story, and i want it NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
ReplyDeleteI believe he killed himself because he was afraid that he'd corrupt Equestria. That's my personal take on it.
ReplyDelete"Speak of the devil, and he shall appear."
ReplyDeleteMy jaw dropped when I saw this on the front, I was so excited!
Kinda feeling bad for the guy at this point...
ReplyDeleteAside from the few spelling errors, this story is very well written and worth the read.
ReplyDeleteIt was as well conceived in the second part as in the first. Can't wait for part three.
Dude, this is the sh*t! I need more of this!
ReplyDeleteD'aaaaww The ending! Reminds me of the YogPOd D&D for some reason. Poory Barry
ReplyDelete( no one will get that referenace)
@alexrockclimber
ReplyDeleteDo not assume that you wouldn't find yognaughts randomly on the internet.
Hey, this fic has great potential.
ReplyDeleteBut here´s my opinion, drop the whole destroying
the universe by interdimensional interaction problems.
You´re already making a human in equestria fic interesting, just the interaction between shane and the ponies will be enough to make this a great story.
Many fics go bad because of attempts at creating unnecessary conflicts and crazy adventurous plots, please, drop the universe ending thing, play with the human X ponies interactions and let this be the important thing here!
I really hope someone reads my post and gives a fuck about it...
@Daluz
ReplyDeleteI give a f*ck! I GIVE A F*CK!
Yay! *hoofclap*
ReplyDeleteLuna's treatment of Shane is slightly amusing, yet also makes me feel kind of bad for the dude, especially since he's trying to do it for what he thinks, and possibly is, a good reason.
Not sure it deserves that grimdark tag though . . . I'm not even sure it deserves a plain old dark tag really--it's not seriously dark enough to warrant it, we don't even have a successful suicide.
And to be grimdark you need to be ratcheting up and utilizing the dark elements of the story, grimdark is generally an attempt to horrify (though not necessarily a horror genre story).
Can't wait for the other nations to learn about this, I'm looking forward to a griffon ambassador :)
Still don't get the title though . . .
(Keep in mind, this is a review for Part One)
ReplyDeleteWell, this part is more directed to reviewers, but CHILL OUT, this is a My Little Pony fan-fiction, not a professional guide to housing extra-terrestrial beings. Sure, we all want the writer to improve, but there is such a thing as taking something FAR too seriously.
Now, as to a review. I found it very entertaining. This happens to be the first HiE story I've ever read (actually, about the second MLP fanfiction I've ever read in general, after the infamous Cupcakes. shudder)so I honestly won't have a problem if this turns into a "humans are bad and want to screw everything over" story. That said, I'm aware that that storyline is cliche in this fandom.
The structure is pretty good. Not too many grammatical errors that I can see. There are a few awkward phrases, and at times I felt like unimportant details were dragged on and on (ie, the scene where the guards are taking the Mane 6 to Celestia's palace, that could have been shortened a little). I also noticed some redundant phrases (ie, the bright aura of magic was blinding. Any bright thing will be blinding to some degree). Another thing, watch out for too many adjectives and adverbs, it sounds like you're trying to force a good writing style. You HAVE a good writing style, it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. Watch out for passive voice as well.
Those are all the concrit notes I have for you though. I will definitely read Part 2. Very interesting idea, well done! :D
best fan fic ive ever read
ReplyDelete@Daluz
ReplyDeleteThe possibility that nothing may happen at all due to their/his presence has already been introduced.
"Sir, these horses appear to be able to speak English."
ReplyDelete"Talking horses? The hell are you talkin' bout?"
"Yes. They have befriended our entire Alpha squad. They came back today babbling about friendship like idiots. Resistance is futile, commander."
"Wait, aren't YOU from the Alpha squad?"
"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."
@GaruuSpike
ReplyDeleteThey're ponies, not horses.
wow... when i read the first part of this a few weeks ago i thought it was only a 1 parter but when i seen chapter 2 i was kinda curios as to how it could've how it could have continued. know that im finished with chapter 2......I NEED MOAR!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYeah his reaction was warented, admittedly I skipped through the flashbacks to get to the meat of the story, the Mane 6 was more or less filler, the exception being Twilight. I liked the story so far, the gun being left in the room was likely due to their belief that he wasn't a threat and they have had no previous dealings to suggest such a hostile reaction from a foreign species, much like us, they learn from examples or whatever.
ReplyDeleteDamnit i need the rest of this story! this is why i hate reading things that aren't totally finished because then i reeeeeally need to know what happens next!
ReplyDelete@Daluz
ReplyDeleteYou know, It's weird. I have had people tell me that. But, I have also had a lot of comments asking me to elaborate on it. Some are afraid i'm going to dismiss it as a "non issue", others WANT it dropped.
But long story short.
No i'm not dropping it. But know that its role as the fic progresses, dies significantly.
@Sebiale
ReplyDeleteI didn't want the Dark tag. But I decided to play it safe. I agree I wouldn't call it dark. But considering I killed 10 men in chapter two. Idk Razors edge. After I finish part three I'm going to ask Cereal to remove the tag. We'll see.
@Muppetz
ReplyDeleteI rarely read fanfics at all, but both parts have been impressive, congrats! I definitely was worried this was going to take an unnecessary Event Horizon twist.
Keep up the good work and post the next part soon!
I don't see why there's so much "urg don't hate on the humans" Crap going on in these comments. Shane's thought process was quite logical given his current predicament, and the information he received prior to the crash. I really enjoyed both parts of the the story and am looking forward to reading any subsequent chapters. Also, I loooove your take on Luna. That is /exactly/ how I picture her personality. Spot on. A+
ReplyDeleteIt's consistent story telling. There isn't a large amount of detail on scenes, but it follows that style throughout the story so it fits. Hell I find this pretty damned interesting. It isn't the most well written story but it's got me interested in a chapter 3.
ReplyDeleteKeep going author, let's see what you got.
As always, I'm a sucker for human in Equestria stories.
ReplyDeleteThis one's good. REALLY good.
OH SHI-
ReplyDeleteA PART 2!
I find it hard to say "ship crashes into planet" is dark. Star Trek is darker than that.
ReplyDeleteI'm still trying to wrap my mind around having 3 doctorates while still apparently in your 20s and then joining the marines... obviously this guy gets bored easily.
ReplyDelete@Stephen Cawking
ReplyDeleteHow does Luna come off as cruel?
As for Celly, she was probably still trying to decide how to handle him when he tried to kill himself.
What makes you think she can even put people to sleep as easily as Luna can? Luna is in charge of the night, so it would make a kind of sense if she has the ability to put others to sleep easily, like a pony sandman.
Oh. My. God.
ReplyDeleteIt was Luna, she dragged the ship to Equestria. FUCK! Now I want more, MOAR!!!
MOAR!
ReplyDeleteAnd scroll right to the bottom of the page and read the message left by the author for his staff-sergeant.
Also love the line "i think i left my sewing machine on fire"
@Stephen Cawking I think it´s something bigger than that. I think she pulled the ship to the planet, just read the last paragraph. Seems odd that she just watch while an enourmous ball of fire coming from the sky hit the ground.
ReplyDeletePlus, before entering the wormhole the ship is pulled off it´s course and begin to enter the atmosphere for unknown reason.
It was Luna, she did it. Why? Well, I´ll have to wait for the next chapters.
@Stephen Cawking I think she was just in shock from the situation. She just thought that Twilight was injured, or even dead. Don´t forget, the scene took no more than a few seconds.
ReplyDeleteI don´t agree that Celestia was oblivious, but i´m open to your opinions.
Please Sir, may i have some moar?
ReplyDelete5/5
@MyCutieMarkisaGUN
ReplyDeleteAll it takes is one brony to infiltrate the conquest warmarch. Just one, and we can sabotage the entire operation... We stand here as the first vanguard against the invasion. We shall not fail our princesses.
Praise Celestia, giver of the sun's loving warmth and thus the provider of all life!
Hail Luna, bringer of the peaceful night and its beauty!
We will fight for them, we will not flee from their side in their hour of need, and we will funish anyone who dares attempt to defile the land so perfect as Equestria.
WE ARE BRONIES UNITED!!!!
Also, the author is a real Marine, self-insert?
The second part kind of answers the thing that has been bugging me from the 1st (Why he ran and then tried to kill himself), but was just as chock-full of silly little errors. Your editors need to do better, there are many spelling mistakes and I noted a few sentences of dialogue that didn't use speech marks properly.
ReplyDeleteThe thing I dislike the most is that the marine seems like a Gary Stu. As ass-kicking soldier with 3 doctorates? Maybe if 2 of them were honourary, but still...
Although I lol'd at the "DON'T KICK ME OUT I CAN EXPLAIN" <-- Would they really kick you out of the marines for writing pony fanfic?
@The_Owl
ReplyDeleteAlright, I'm going to go ahead and get this out of the way now.
Yes I report to a Marine OSO. I'm doing OCS. Its tough to explain so if your curious look it up.
I'm trying to avoid Gary Stuishness but honestly you don't get into these programs unless you're really fucking good. Trust me. I train with some impressive dudes.
Also trying to avoid self insert. But its tough to create a totally unique character, so yes, I add a bit of myself into the character. But its usually minor stuff.
ex. My blood type is actually O-
and my gas mask size is actually a medium.
Small things like that.
No, They would most likely not kick me out. They could very easily however, "strongly encourage" me to "dis-enroll" myself. Think about it. Would you really trust a man who loves a little girls cartoon, with top secret military information? Probably not.
I know several Marines who love the show, but MLP is pretty much the opposite of what we teach
...you know...the whole..."Kill everything you see" thing.
Pastel ponies don't necessarily fit in with the warrior mentality. Maybe that why we like it so much.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Mannedood
ReplyDeleteActually that is pretty common in human evolution, the more time we exist the more intelligent we become (kids of the future will come out of high school knowing more that a nowday PhD), and since in this context they achieved intergalactic travel through worm holes, we could assume that they are so advanced, that 3 doctorates might be not as impressive or even useful in their society.
Also there is the whole extended longevity of the future, and for all we know he could be 40 and still army-fit.
Dear Muppetz,
ReplyDeletewhat must I do to find you so that I may marry you? I love this story and I have to say you are an amazing writer, and I wish more guys were as awesome. Haha I'm trying to find some way to end this comment in a way that's not creepy like the rest of this, but I can't think of anything....so there you go.
@Chaos Knux
ReplyDeleteSorry for all these Multi-posts,
but im doing my best to answer all the questions.
I actually DIDN'T want my main character to be a Marine. I originally wrote him as a Navy Commander. But the Navy's SOP is a joke. They play by a whole different set of rules. Than the other branches. And to find a way to explain all the weird Navy ranks and procedures to a (largely) civilian audience would have been far too difficult.
Plus the Corps is the only branch I have solid first hand experience with. So I figured i'd rather have accurate information and deal with the cries of "self insert" rather than write my story about a squiddy.
Ok so I keep thinking about my last comment, and its very creeperish, so..sorry. I'm actually probably making this worse now, so I'm gonna be quiet.
ReplyDelete@Muppetz
ReplyDeleteYou know, if you need a proofreader I'd love to help. You could avoid a lot of passive language and grammatical mistakes fairly easily. I commented above that I rarely read fanfics, and I think this is one of the best I've seen in content and execution. It just needs some minor edits.
I'm a Master's grad student in secondary education., specifically English teaching. That's right, grad students can be bronies too! I do nothing but edit papers some weeks, so I have a lot of experience. Is it nerdy to want to be a fanfic editor?
Anyone know how to send private messages so I can send a contact email?
Gnnghrngrnhh the internets ate my first comment... Anyhoo, a really nice read, refreshing to see a different take on the human in equestria deal, not just instant friendship and frolicking about. I'm thinking his suicide attempt must've come as a pretty big shock to the ponies, so I hope that will create some nice and tricky character interactions =D.
ReplyDeleteI'm also hoping that Luna isn't a baddie here, even though chapter 2 kinda hinted that way... I hate it when she's portrayed as evil :x.
Anyway, WE DEMAND MOAR
He does not die. If you can remember or go back and look, he shoots himself in the cheek, but he lives. When Luna comes in to use her magic to subdue him, he resists heavily, whereas soon, the magic causes him to collapse, but he is still alive.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for part 2 :)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'd like to say I'm immensely relieved the only human to survive the crash didn't just straight up off himself right after making a full recovery. In a way, I can actually understand Princess Luna's blowup upon arriving... Honestly I'd feel a little bit miffed if the guy I went through a lot of trouble to rescue tried to thank me by shooting himself in the head.
ReplyDeleteOther then that, I'm really glad everything seems to be going along swimmingly plot wise. I'm not really a huge fan of flashback sequences, but they did have their purpose and they were at the very least an entertaining read. Exposition's a good thing to have every once in awhile, ya know?
... Kinda hoping the universe doesn't explode though. I mean, I'm sure you have a good idea of where things are going but I just can't help hoping things will end with a happy ending.
Confound amazing writing and curiosity inducing plots, they drive me to be impatient and want MOAR.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I love it so far, keep it up.
Soo in this story... how resistant are humans to magic. We saw his body fight of healing and him fight lunas magic
ReplyDelete@Freekles1245
ReplyDeleteI don't totally agree, I don't think we have enough evidence to support the theory. But it would be . . . interesting, if that was the case.
@Sebiale That´s why i can´t wait for the next chapter! I need to check if that´s what really happened.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the story is very interesting so far.
All Chapters have been revised and edited for content if anyone has the free time to go back and read it.
ReplyDeleteNothing story-wise has changed, He just grammared the shit out of the old chapters and did a splendid job.
@ShadowFox04"Article 2" refers to Article 2 of the Code of Conduct for US armed forces.
ReplyDeletehttp://usmilitary.about.com/od/justicelawlegislation/a/codeofconduct2.htm
@LcplBronyUSMC
ReplyDeleteDamn . . . that would be a tough one to stick to in this situation.
Although . . . since the ponies aren't actually enemy combatants, can he even technically surrender to them? If not, then I'm not sure article 2 would apply. (This is, of course, assuming that the title is referring to the US armed code of conduct, and not something fictional in the story.)
Read through the chapters again, a few notes:
ReplyDelete"up-most" should be "utmost."
"assuaged the dread accumulating" may want to change it to "assuaging the dread accumulated."
"Luna if you would so kindly" since it's dialog it may not technically be wrong, but I wonder if "kindly" is what you actually meant to use.
"sound proofing" should be one word.
"lifted and eyelid" should be "an."
"pony eating" should be hyphenated.
"The met up with Rarity" should be "They."
"nose deep" should be hyphenated.
"emergency running board lights" I have no idea what this is supposed to be describing . . .
The timing seems a bit off in the chase scene between Celestia hearing the gunshots and then arriving at the window for Shane to have already covered 100+ yards.
"became defiant, expressionless mask" should be "became a defiant, expressionless mask."
"it was best not be in her path" should be "it was best not to be in her path."
"“NO!” Thomas, we are not interfering here!”"
You can drop the quotation mark after the exclamation point.
That's just from skimming it. There are other issues I have, but those are a matter of style so I won't mention them save that your writing contains a great deal of "telling" at the moment. Some more "showing" could help it out.
@Sebiale Tough? Yes, but a Marine's first instinct is to fight his way out. Article 2 would apply in this case as he has no evidence to say that the ponies are not in fact his enemy (albeit we the readers all know they aren't). This would especially be the case if he and his team were there to do reconnaissance as he cannot let anypony in Equestria know under any circumstance what he and his Marines were doing there. Given his circumstance, I don't blame him for taking the course of action he did. All this aside, no one ever said that being a Marine was an easy thing, no one joins the Corps because it's easy. We all picked it for the challenge it presented us. Despite all the BS and stupid stuff, if I was made to go back in time and choose everything again, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteThis was really good! I hope you can do more.
ReplyDeleteNeed more. Have been waiting for too long, need more ponies.
ReplyDeleteYES! Finally another chapter! My favorite fic ever!
ReplyDeleteI'm seriously wondering what's going on in Pinkie's head at the end, there.
ReplyDeleteAlso, bottom of Chapter 2:
[AND STAFF SERGEANT...IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND HAVE SOMEHOW DISCOVERED MY PONY FOLDERS, PLEASE DO NOT KICK ME OUT, I CAN TOTALLY EXPLAIN]
I lol'd so god damn hard at that.
This is quite possibly my favourite fanfic ever. Can't wait till the next awesome instalment.
ReplyDeleteI love every single one of them.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for the next one!
i was so happy when i saw that part 3 was out. and im gonna be even happier when part 4 is out! love em!!!
ReplyDeleteoh noes pinkies got twitchy tail! part 4 Y U NO OUT YET?!
ReplyDeleteCat!Pinkie Pie!
ReplyDelete:D
Obviously this calls for him to meet Lyra.
ReplyDeleteI feel.... like this chapter should have had them actually talking with the guy. I worry the story might end up doing what 'On a Cross and An Arrow' did and drag certain things out too much.
ReplyDeleteDamn, this is quite the story.
ReplyDeleteOnwards to chapter three!
Shane and the two princesses need face-to-face time.
ReplyDeleteThat's going to be one hell of an interview!
PLEASE. MORE.
ReplyDeleteThis update was great! Really compelling. I just wish the princesses would *do* something. Obviously, Pinkie Pie has the same idea. I can't wait to see what Pinkie has in mind.
ReplyDeleteAll my money. You can has it.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you realize just how good the story you have here is. Suffice to say, it is REALLY good. In fact, I'd say it's shaping up to be... possibly the best HiE story I might have ever seen.
ReplyDeleteI believe a call of "MOAR" is in order here. I do kinda wish it'd update more often.
By all that is holy and sacred, please moar :D
ReplyDeleteI want more, more, more. MAKE MORE!
ReplyDeleteMoar, damnit! Write faster.
ReplyDeleteThis story, is sexy.
ReplyDeleteI love this so much!
ReplyDeletePlease please please please please. For the love of Celestia please pose more!!! I usually only read Shipping stories but I am in love with this.
ReplyDeleteC'MON! MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR, DAMNIT.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am my own 200th comment.
ReplyDeleteMegusta.jpg
.....
foreveralone.jpg
A Chapter 4 might make us talk more. *paraspriteface*
ReplyDeleteC'mon. MOAR.
ReplyDelete@Muppetz
ReplyDeleteWhen do you plan on finishing/releasing chapter 4?
Well, I'll let you decide that, Would you rather have a shorter maybe 25 page update soon, or a longer update later?
ReplyDelete@Muppetz
ReplyDeleteI think 25 pages sounds reasonable. Anyonee else want to weigh in?
Brohoof for you soul Muppetz?
ReplyDelete