New: Woah. It's over? That's almost like a chapter of the fandom ending! In the end, it was 4 years and 2 months in the making, with whopping 1.7 million words. Hope you all are in the mood for some Fallout!
[Grimdark][Crossover][Adventure]
Author: Somber
Description: Forced into the life of a security mare, Blackjack is far more
interested in eking out what fun she can in the dim halls of Stable
99. All that changes as she becomes enveloped in a plot that not only
endangers her stable but the remaining world as well.
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons (New Chapter 77-Epilogue!)
Additional Tags: Blackjack, P-21, Rampage, Lacunae, Fallen Incomplete Fo:E spinoff, Post-apocalyptic, Long, OC ponies, adventure
Comment Thread #3
Here!
Original story that started it all
here!
Fan Art below!
 |
| Source: Wavemasterryx |
4,999 comments:
interesting side fic
ReplyDelete>Kkat Approved
ReplyDeleteTime to read more Fallout
Man I really should get to finishing Fallout: Equestria, it's hard to peruse fic threads without risking a spoiler, and now there's awesome side stories to read. *le sigh*
ReplyDeleteDamn my attention span and it's inability to stay focused on one story for longer than 20 minutes.
Also, noice jerb Somber, you have a ton of 5-star stories written in just a period of two months, now I have more stuff to read.
not even fallout has this many stories sheesh, imagine all the stories(ponies for humans) of Fallout Equestria were packed into the game as DLC..im trying to explain this but im failing to describe its awesomeness so i should stop right about now
ReplyDeleteI read the first 3 chapters of this story when it was compiled with the rest of the FO:E metapost of doom.
ReplyDeleteIt's good guys, I can promise you that much. The first chapters are very enjoyable, I'll have to find time to read the rest of this.
@Basharoonskis
Finish it, finish it, finish it!... Well, finish the amount of chapters that have been released anyway.
Nice job, Somber. Can't wait to catch up.
ReplyDeleteDo the reminders that the raiders will fuck anything with four hooves ever cease? It's really turning me off this fic.
ReplyDeleteGood to see you got your own thread.
ReplyDeleteWrite on, I will start reading yours tomorrow because it sounds good.
I'm glad that this got its own post, it's been a very interesting story so far (haven't read the 4 newest chapters yet, but very much looking forward to them). I'm glad I decided to check it out after having seen you mentioning Blackjack in the FO:E comments a few times and (surprisingly) making the connection of your name to the other stories you've written that I've enjoyed as well.
ReplyDeleteIf I had know that Somber had written "Simply Rarity" I would have started reading this ages ago.
ReplyDeleteSo far though, in this story, I like it. I'm on chapter 2 as of now, and my only real complaint is about Stable 99. Mainly: There wasn't much information on it. I gathered that it was a female dominated society, with only 20 males at a time used for breeding, but not much else. Like, what was the incident? Why is the Overmare so uptight/controlling? Are the Stallions equivalent to animals or are they treated as citizens too?
Though, it doesn't seem like the Stable is going to effect much from now on (If it is it's going to be important it'll be though flashbacks/character development, and THERE the Stable will be expanded) so I'll just focus on the action and what not, and so far it seems to be good. Exciting, characters are in danger and whatnot, all going good.
So yeah, keep up the good fight there Somber :)
Yay more FO:E. I rike. I wonder if Blackjack and Lil Pip ever cross paths.
ReplyDeleteI try to get out, but the Equestrian Wasteland keeps pulling me back in! Augh!
ReplyDelete@ Somber
ReplyDeleteCingratulations on attaining your own unique area, Somber! I know I said I had my doubts in the Side Story page about it possibly having some flood gate problems, but I am very happy for the result still to allow your story to get noticed.
I'm moving on to the new chapters just now, and as I promised in the old "topic", I will continue to offer feedback and any critique I have as I read.
One question though, how did you actually contact KKat anyway? I had contemplated the issue when you said you had, but I know of no real way other than leaving a message on the main FO:E comments page (which can quickly be lost under a mass of other comments)
Call it more curiosity to know, really.
yay! it got its own page!
ReplyDelete::Blinks and realizes I am now totally exposed, gulps, and gives a 'oh I am gonna die' smile.::
ReplyDeleteUm, hello. I just want to say how awesome it is to be able to do this like this. I also just want to say that, like the FoE thread, please give spoilers. I'd rather folks discuss freely than worry they'll give stuff away. So read first before you read comments.
::Scampers off to the word mine!:: Oh sweet Celestia, what have I done?
@Fuzzy
ReplyDeleteKkat sometimes hangs out in the discussion of her googledocs. I was lucky enough to catch her there and she was so wonderfully generous to be okay with letting me do this. And I owe a thanks to Seth as well.
Now I can post as quickly as I can write. Oh I hope it all turns out for the best!
@ Crimson: Raiders are their own category of scum for a very specific reason. You'll find out there's something that encourages their savagry around Hoofington.
@PinkPutty: You'll find more about stable 99. It's not done yet.
Loving this as much as the Original FoE, Somber. Thanks for the Excellent story and keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteI've read the first couple of chapters and it looks good so far. Messed up stable experiment, interesting characters and the grim dark grimness of the near future.
ReplyDeleteSome drawfriend needs to draw Security in Aviators.
ReplyDeleteWell, it seems I have reading to do.
ReplyDeleteProject Horizons really deserves this, keep up the great work Somber!
@Somber
ReplyDeleteKkat is a girl?
Project Horizons had a rocky start but you made it into the home stretch ^^ congratulations.
ReplyDelete@R10t Pol1ce
ReplyDelete::blink:: I hope so. I take what I know from the comic strip FYI. If not... um... is there a sword to fall on?
Just finished Chapter 6 after arriving home. As promised, here's my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHot freaking DAMN.
Thoughts conclude.
Ok ok, I'll do as I normally do, too. :p
The levels of grimdark are way off the chart with the sick hospital area. The fact I just got back FROM a hospital doesn't help. They creep me out. All their beeps, clean surfaces and strange smells...I hate the atmosphere in them. So I was very glad to see you threw out a little nod to that from BJ wanting anything to be dirty at points as a relief.
The "games" aspect I felt could have been explored even a good bit further, actually. Thats just personal opinion of course, to look at what else these kids had been developing. Although the childish nature throughout the chapter was quite un-nerving. From "stop and go" to the nursery rhymes especially. Ending on "Hush Now, Quiet Now" was a brilliant touch.
I was afraid it was going to drop into Cupcakes briefly with the "operation" on BJ upon waking up. Good call on giving enough horrifying detail just to kick it off and then subverting it rather quickly there. The world of FO;E I always think works best when it dips it's toes into sick details rather than plunging into it. Good work there.
No doubt this could affect how she acts as a character, a real turning point. As she says, "murdering 40 foals." That aint gonna disappear easy.
I'll be reading Chapter 7 later tonight, I'll get back to you with that. I may do a "comment as reading" thing as well, always wanted to try critiquing and feedbacking like that.
Finally, I have to say, seeing the success of you breaking into your own unique entity here has spurred my own plans ahead. I've been in the process of putting together a story myself. Quite different stuff, I assure. But seeing your efforts alongside KKat's has really inspired me. Thank you!
Great Job Somber, you finally came through with breaking away into the spotlight! I saw this and I thought I would comment first, so I shall read the story now.
ReplyDelete@Fuzzy
ReplyDeleteEeep. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pick on your problems. I bad as hospitals are though, I hate empty hospitals... schools... anyplace that should have people.
As for them the operation, I had to question how far I was pushing it. I want it to be awesome... but right past awesome is suck, so it's a trick.
I'm also glad. I love writing this. There's very few things I get to enjoy. And I love comments more than anything. Without them it's writing in a void.
So if anyone reads this, please... tell me what works. Tell me what sucks. Tell me how to make it better. Tell me where I'm being an inconsistent nit whit. Just tell me so I can make it better.
Well, somber I love this story, but its a spinoff so it does have a few kinks
ReplyDeleteCH.1 Review:
Bad news first: Without an intro one would have to read FO:E to understand the setting and where this originates from, which could possibly reduce the number of people reading this. In the beginning of the first chapter so many characters appeared out of nowhere that it seemed that I couldn't keep track of them, but they were unimportant so thats a little side note.
Good news is: this story is very well written, few typos here and there, but maybe I'm reading it wrong and not paying attention to the context. It is very interesting because it starts out with a wow factor, even surprisingly grimdark, but this is FO:E so that is to be expected.
Your chapters are as long as Kkat's, so unfortunately, it is going to take me some time to read it, but fortunately it's going to take me some time to read it!!
thank you Somber and I can't wait to finish this one.
I was kinda on the ropes about Blackjack as a character... right up until the pony pokie. Pay attention to the crazy filly with the shotgun!
ReplyDeleteCh.2
ReplyDeleteI liked how you wrapped up on what happened before the bombs hit, it summarized it pretty quickly for the readers that already know about fallout equestria.
Started off with watcher and a raider camp? This story is getting a little too... similar but thats not a big problem.
From the relationship between P-21 and Blackjack I love the tension you put between them to give decent character development because you gave them room to improve on being friends and getting accomadated with one another, which would give a deeper character development.
This is odd here, Blackjack picked up an applejack figurine almost from the get-go? Only six sets were produced total, so I would think it would have been a little bit more of an adventure finding them... But it was in Granny Smith's hooves so I can accept the symbolic value of it. Littlepip isn't the only lockpicking pony around, and this one doesn't even need magic ^.^ I find that both funny and ironic.
This is so-far an incredible story with a great plot.
@blakestar15
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback, Blakestar.
Ch1: your point about background is huge. I think about about how much should I retell and how much should I simply leave it up to the reader being familiar with Kkat's world. Personally, I wouldn't be able to real Horizons as is without Khat. It just relies on it too much. But on the other hoof I don't want to put it in and have the reader go 'Yawn, I know this. Next please.' It's actually really challenging. Some things I'll have to pour the exposition oil on. Thunderhead. The Society. Other things I need to be careful with.
Secondly, my apologies for the name salad. I almost split the chapter in two to keep the names down in the first chapter.
Ch 2: Yup, there are a few parallels. I hope it doesn't feel like a knock off though. LilPip spends the first few chapters learning how to fight. Blackjack doesn't. She's been trained. Her tag skills are gun, melee, and speech. Hopefully by 3 things will deviate away enough.
Yes, she's collecting them too. She needs them. Unfortunately baring one other, she's not going to find more for quite some time. Hopefully the other fits well. ::No figurine was more perfect than Pinkie Pie's corpse cradling Twilight Sparkle's figuring... sigh... will I ever get that perfect.
Anyway, thank you very much. Ch 10 should be down the pipe soon as it's edited.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteI do quickly apologise, I realise my first sentence about the hospital could read as though I am considering it a negative. I don't blame you at all. I LOVED that hospital section for the very fact that it played on my fears and dislikes. :p
So no need to apologise, I like seeing stories challenge my own feelings while reading them.
CH.3:
ReplyDeleteI love the little references to the actual fall out equestria story such as "Rad hog is good eatin'" and a few other little quirks that make me smile, but can't remember.
Stables suck.. apparently the bigotry is reversed in stable99 towards the mares... but escalated by massive portions, makes for good drama. This is somehow gorier than FO:E too, its getting close to GRIMDARK AS F*** status, but hey I enjoy it and don't mind it but it is worth pointing out for the faint of heart.
Man Blackjack must be having an even worse time compared to littlepip, got a pony killed on day:1 and a filly at that... Poor Silver Spoon, reminds me of that one girl on FO:3 that still believes the war never happened and everything is alright. Sickeningly enjoyable with tons of drama, tension, and action.
Somber you should know by now that you sure do know how to write one heck of a story!
So, I just finished chapter 9. Overall, I'm liking this. I do have two minor gripes so far, but a lot more positives.
ReplyDeleteFlaws: Mainly Stable 99 and the Enclave. It seems... strange that the Enclave have a Skyport to the surface and regularly trade with all those on the surface, and it brings up some plot holes in FO:E. Primarily, why Calamity is so surprised at the Enclave being in Splendid Valley. Shouldn't he know that the Enclave has been coming down from above the clouds for a while? Since Hoofington and Manehatten do trade together. The problem with Stable 99 is like I said, just not enough info on it.
Now, with that in mind... none of what I said really matters. Since I know what you're planning on doing for both of those (Or at least, a vague idea) so I can't really complain, since those chapters were they're addressed in full aren't here yet. Alas, that's the problem with reviewing a work midway through its completion: You complain about things, and then next chapter its rectified. :/ What are you gunna do though?
Positives: Many, many things.
Blackjack is a really fun character to be with. She's wild and impulsive, but has a conscious at the same time. It's great to see a character stand above a dragon that she just walked into, shot out its brains, and then challenge all of the farmer-bounty hunters, and then feel remorse over killing 8 slavers. Very well written, and thankfully isn't just a retread of Littlepip.
P-21 is very likable, just due to both his demeanor and his ability to keep Blackjack grounded when need be. Plus, the relationship built between him and Blackjack seemed really well done and is a blast to watch and read.
Glory is just a cool character. She has an innocence about her, which is pulled off really well. Especially since it helps add some mystique around her childhood/back-story, with her having a highly technical and educated background.
The entire hospital segment was very very well executed, mainly the moral dilemma at the end of it was superbly executed. The effects it had on Blackjack were also really great, made for some awesome reading.
The slave rescue in chapter 9 was also really well written, I think mainly for how the Pecos were handled. When you could have just made a group of asshole henchmen, you decided to make them actually sympathetic. It was really great to see some ponies still have some decency in them. The Gorgon fight was badass also, really intense and high action going on there.
And finally, the factions. I love what's going on with the multiple factions fighting for Hoofington. Absolutely looking forward for more info/interactions with the different groups and organizations vying for control of Hoofington.
Hopefully this response was at all helpful to you Somber, really looking forward to what happens next!
@blakestar15
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I think I might need to dial back the grimdark a tad. I need some more humor. Otherwise it comes to the point where the sanest thing for Blackjack to do is blow her own head off.
Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if their personalities were swapped. I won't know that till Kkat reads. :3
@ PinkPutty: The Enclave is becoming a bit of a sticking point. What I need to reinforce is that Thunderhead is a lot like Hoofington; it's secretive even from the rest of the enclave. Not only that, but the Volunteer Corps hasn't been doing this very long, only for a few weeks. Lots of folks don't believe it. Lots don't trust it. After all, VC shows up giving free medicine and free food?
It was excellent feedback. The three's relationship shift back and forth. You can tell where Blackjack's head is according to her relationship with the others.
Hmmm... how many factions are in the hoof?
Crusaders, Reapers, Raiders, Society, Eggheads, Keepers (Megamart, Flank, and Paradise), Rangers, Enclave... and a few others. Any wonder the Hoof is such a mess?
Just finished Chapter 7, Somber. Hilariously brilliant chapter in it's latter half to nicely offset the very moody and reflective moral dillemas of the first half. But to start closer to it's beginning, that sort of thing would tear someone up. So rather akin to what I said for Littlepip's reaction to Arbu, it was nice to see a story take some time over it, especially interspersing it with some action to make it less "Blackjack thinks about it" for 10 pages. I'd really recommend keeping that concept in mind. Showing her actions as reflecting her thought line is WAY better than just telling us it in her thoughts.
ReplyDeleteJust reading through now, spotted...
"Because he was about to stay it wasn’t my fault."
~say
Blackjack's second ammo mistake (well, the first was a grenade) during a combat sequence. I like seeing characters make mistakes. It's surprising how often it is easy for a character to just make the best, most logical choices every time.
"Sniper was already running through."
Wasn't sure what you meant on that line.
When I see Blackjack's outbursts at the slavers. You know I feel it's less about anger and more a sense of furious disappointment in ponies overall. "We must be better!"
How this manifests as things continue to develop is something I really wanna keep an eye on. Outright anger can be one dimensional, but if you run with the disappointment angle to why she's so furious at people or why she is now having to face disappointment in _herself_ could provide some great stuff.
And the end portions, what can I say other than drunken Blackjack is utterly hilarious in the extremes.
@ Somber
ReplyDeleteA few profane remarks would do this story good, especially if you include the princesses and the word "clop" or "buck" in it. Hehehe
^ You know to add to the humor,
ReplyDeleteJust finished reading chapter 9. the characters have developed really well, P-21 especially. I definitely empathise with why he doesn't want a firearm, being a very broken pony. I feel really sorry for him.
ReplyDeleteAlso Blackjack has had moral dilemas with how to survive in the wasteland which are very difficult- personally I don't think Arbu compares to the hospital at all...
The descriptions you use work really well to set scenes up. I was really freaked out by the hospital especially. But also Scoodle was very good. I half suspected she'd become another party member so it was a suprise, sort of. that's another thing Blackjack has to carry with her which is particularly nasty.
Recent chapters, I like the attempt to explore zebras after the war a bit more. Although I figured that some of the zebras were a little crazy I never suspected them to carry on after two centuries.
The drunkeness from a first person perspective was hilarious. Although I can't see as much humour here there are a few gems- Blackjack's request before accessing a memory sphere spring to mind.
I do agree since this is in its own post now as small introductory chapter may be in order although directing readers to read the introduction of fallout: Equestria would also work (although it would be odd if people reading this haven't also looked at fallout Equestria).
All in all a good story- I look forward to enjoying where the story goes.
Chapter 8 finished.
ReplyDeleteI apologise if this write up is shorter than the others, given my rushed state. And I know I'll just forget things if I leave it for later.
What stood out to me more here was the final act of the chapter. I think, across the times of reading, you seem to work best when approaching the ends of things to make statements and leave the reader with something. I do occasionally feel that the "middle" of many of the chapters is often the weaker points in maintaining a constant flow of information, be it from interaction, action or discovery. Yeah there's great stuff like the dragon fight, I'm just referring more to the "in betweens" I guess. But every time you manage to end a chapter or indeed include it's full climax with some very good writing. That helps a lot to drive further reading.
I may be posting absolute drivel when I say that, but consider it just a slight observation that has been clicking in my mind.
Rather enjoyed seeing how P-21 and Glory both more individually reacted to the issue of friendship in varying terms. More particularly, getting to hear Glory's personal thoughts on her companions was very insightful. She's probably the character I enjoy the most in this, given her slightly naive but loyal and smart state.
The fairly regular references to the um...bowel movements...of ponies I will admit I find just a little "Umm..." when a sentence includes it. Which is strange given this is a setting that through both yourself and KKat has included drugs, gore, torture, rape etc. I dunno, maybe thats just me. Felt it worth mentioning anyway. :p
I'll finish off on Chapter 9 tomorrow after work. Your efforts continue to entertain me on every chapter. I wish you well on Chapters 10 and beyond.
Good job, I think I like Blackjack more than Lil'pip XD That was also an ingenious way of getting rid of Gorgon, and the end with Lancer basically playing clean-up crew on the traitors was a surprise to me, though after I look at him, it does fit.
ReplyDeleteHey !
ReplyDeleteI told you or I told you not that you would get your own page ;)
...Mmh... I considered reposting my previous comments from the ''All Fallout side-story'' page... but, for the sake of efficiency :
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/06/fallout-equestria-side-stories.html (People just have to check there, and your response. *Did the first 5 Chapters.*)
... And now; Onward to New Horizons ! ;) ...
@Somber
ReplyDeleteI had assumed you were going to explain it with something akin to that. And thankfully, it works as a fine reason for Enclave involvement. :)
*skips the comments to avoid spoilers*
ReplyDeleteyay! Kkat approved, eh? I tried reading some of the other side stories, and they were... nice. Not as good as the original, though, so I didnt quite get back into them.
THIS one, however, will get a read from me, that's for certain! :D
Whoah! Whoah! Big Macintosh conceived a child with a unicorn?
ReplyDeleteI can't help but wonder if this Mari pony is a pet name for the unicorn conducting experiments at Maripony or an acual name of an OC. Have you run this bit of info past KKat, it's the kind of thing which could change how readers could look at the story?
Anyway, great story.
While certain aspects of our story overlap, Kkat's will always be canon. If she goes through and says Big Macintosh was gay and gelded at birth then that's right and this is wrong and I'm sorry. So while our stories may brush flanks, I'm trying hard to stay off her hooves.
ReplyDeleteSince she seems to have moved on from Big Mac's contributions to FoE's past, I'm snagging him to help out with mine. I just hope it doesn't bite me in the tail.
Because Kkat has a VERY organized story (that puts me to shame) Kkat doesn't read my story. She's been generous enough to give me Hoofington to play in. She didn't mention what the Hoofington Rangers are doing in the war.
So is Mari pony a researcher? Is she something else... you'll have to see.
Oh god. That memory orb in 8. It's not hard to work out who Mari Pony is, if you keep Kkat's work in your mind.
ReplyDeleteI cried. I cried I cried I cried.
Why'd you have to break me like that, Somber?
Brilliant story and writing, BTW. I don't think it could ever be better than Kkat's, but it's pretty damn close to being as good as. Looking forward to more!
"watched the memory 3 more times"
ReplyDeleteIs this going to become a thing for her like Velvet and the Fluttershy orb?
Comments as reading
ReplyDelete-------------------
Half expected P-21 to flip out at BJ calling him her significant other briefly to confuse the robot.
A zebra sniper? Makes sense, cool cloak. Very Tanith. Love the little touch in that it makes the same sound as Littlepip's zebra rifle. Good consistency.
Ok, BJ is officially insane with this plan.
Yup, she really is, playing poker with them as part of it.
"P-21 and glory went" Capital letter missing.
"What the fuckometer" Genuinelly laughed. I love BJ's rougher, more military humoured mindset sometimes.
A Gorgon eh? I wonder if it'll actually be a gorgon or named after one from mutations...
Glory swearing. It's the cutest "fuck" I've ever heard!
A rock crusher. I have a feeling this may become a help or hazard.
A real Gorgon! Oooh damn.
Oh gods no, Glory. You better get out of there, not my fav character. Do not turn her to stone!
Lancer too?! I am genuinelly intrigued as to how they are going to get out of those one. Cool idea with the cloaked rock though.
And now P-21. Well shit. I get the feeling they can turn back though, by how quickly the entire party suffered it though. Perhaps too many too quickly that the reader ceases wondering about actual death and becomes more a sense of "So how will this be solved?"
Hah, knew that crusher would come in handy. Very nice, almost james Bond or Indiana Jones style of "big baddy killing" there. I approve heartily!
Good markup for the last battle! Larger conflicts should have sweeping gestures written into them to relfect bigger things happening. You did just that to keep it short, concise and very easy to visualise. Good work on those paragraphs. Seriously good work.
FFFFFFUUUUUU...
I did NOT expect that ending. Not one bit.
After reading thoughts
----------------------
One of the best Chapters yet. Tells a full story surrounding the slaves, some action, some big enemy combat and a ton of little moments to show there's more than fighting. In particular enjoying that the Peco's turned sides.
There seems to be a big theme of factions and gangs running through this story, which I like. It helps maintain it's "scale" very well, differing it from the main story so it stands unique. That I like. Expanding the universe through showing it at smaller levels.
Excellent stuff.
@Crimson Valor
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm curious. Who do you think his "Mari pony" is?
The factions are pretty much half the story. The other half is... you'll see. And the third half is... mostly BJ and her friends. n.n
LilPip had her Boxcar. BJ had her rock crusher.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteAnyone who's read Kkat's FE knows what and where Maripony is and who worked there. A certain... Ministry Mare...?
@Crimson Valor
ReplyDeleteAh... I'll only say... :3
Tell me. TellmetellmetellmeTELLME. O_O
ReplyDeleteSend me a message on dArt or something...
Ch.4:
ReplyDeleteNever thought there would have been air talismans created, just air filtration systems.. oh well surprises surprises.
I think that the overmare may be a descendant of trixie, having everything handed to you from the start, or a descendant of the ponies in manehatten lol.
The Enclave introduced this way does clear up a few things on what they are for me. I like the idea that they are "attempting" to help with the volunteer corps, but of course at limited effectiveness. Well, really they are sent out on suicide missions.... poor Morning Glory.
A new companion with an unstable mind and a laser pistol? Sounds like a fun way to introduce the events of the next chapter.
Blackjack just walks up to Morning and gets shot, so much for speech being a tag skill!
In this chapter, the "f" word was used a little too much for my preference, there is a point where profanity may add emphasis, and there's a point where it would be seen as immature and unnecessary.
Somber, thanks again for this story and thanks for not letting Blackjack wallow continuously on past events, littlepip does that more than needed about arbu recently.. and it's not doing anything for her or the story. So thank you a ton.
Chapter 1: Dang, this Stable is a horrible cannibal murder factory. And the females are all apparently fine with the murder part. This place is completely horrifying.
ReplyDelete*read read read*
Oh hey, raiders. ...this is disturbing. Because I don't feel bad about any of the things that are happening to the Stable ponies since both they AND the raiders are monsters. Huh. Was that the intention?
Chapter 2: Oh good, the main character is somewhat making up for being a willing cog in a murder machine her entire life. Still kind of hate her, but it's a start I guess.
...wait, she's crying because one guy died when the stable she was in had been murdering them constantly for 200 years? She didn't cry about any of the ponies her stable murdered. I hate Blackjack again.
Hm, more drama. And yet the weight of unrepentance for past actions continues to outweigh everything. Still hate Blackjack.
Gonna keep reading. I hope SOMETHING happens to make me stop justly hating the main character. It'd kind of suck otherwise. Ah well, at least there's P-21 to like.
I watch an episode of MLP:FIM, I read Fallout. I watch another episode, I read more Fallout. I don't really know how or why this fandom works in so many wild and varied ways but by Luna I love it! Keep up the good work :) This story is fantastic!
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, chapter 6. The whole middle part was pant-wettingly scary, that gore scene was extremely disturbing, and the conclusion made me cry, just a little...
ReplyDeleteHush now, quiet now...
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWhat is the motto of stable 99? Don't think about it. Don't think about the males as people. Don't think who is in charge. Don't think about just how you're actually treating them. Don't realize you've been systematically murdering your own. Do not think about it. And Blackjack is OVERWHELMINGLY guilty of this fact. She is not a smart pony, but in this case, she is a pony in complete denial. "Had I ever been good?"
Thanks for giving me some feedback of things to build on. Trust me. Nopony gets to stay in denial forever.
@ Blakestar: Oh... I hope you keep thinking that. The fact is that you don't go through what BJ and LilPip go through without it fucking you up. Both ponies are building up gonzongas of mental problems that they simply will never shake. Let me know when the angst gets too unbearable though.
Feedback keeps things running.
@ Crimson Valor: I will tell you... when that chapter shows up.
Remember everypony, good, bad, otherwise, the more feedback the more I write. Feedback is the fuel that keeps me able to write this. Please comment, and the more specific the better.
I enjoyed this fic quite a lot. you have done a wonderful job capturing the feel of kkats equestrian wasteland without seaming exactly the same. kind of like you are the fallout N.V. to her fallout 3 (mainly because of blackjacks smooth talking cowboy attitude, the factions and the fact that he is holding what looks to be a very important data file/platinum chip).
ReplyDeletethat said this one is darker however i think that comes from our hero being combat focused. there is just more shooting and smashing because he cant do the sneaking and lock-picking to get around his problems :P. however P-21 kind of more than makes up for that, however due to the fact it's a first person story it doesn’t allow for the opportunity to break up the action sequences with sneaking, ruining and hiding.
I also like how you have differed blackjack and little pips journey to becoming a hero. little pip just stumbled into it after he came out of the stable and decided to keep rolling with it and is learning that there is no way the wasteland will let you always stay the good pony. meanwhile the wasteland got its claws into blackjack long before he ever had an idea he would be considered a hero (with the scoodle “incident”)and is trying to make himself into something better in order to fill that role. its almost little pip is trying desperately to stay on the pedestal she has been put on while blackjack is trying to claw his way up the side of the pedestal up to where he is supposed to be.
the other great difference between our two protagonists is while little pip continues to run the gambit of moral and ethical problems, blackjack has been sticking with one for the most part so far. i like this cause unlike with little pip where we only touch on them long enough to get the reader to start thinking on there own about it before it reaches it conclusion, blackjacks tackling of one main moral quandary however feels more like an in-depth exploration of his problems.
now that the obligatory comparisons are out of the way, you have done a great job creating unique environments for the without changing the mood of the mood of the story as a whole.(the hospital of horror gave me the will’s don'tcha know) Also I find blackjack sweet talking his way out of tough situations endlessly amusing.
ReplyDeleteI know I have kind of been droning on about blackjack but you other characters are quite good. P-21's relationship with blackjack works really well. Specifically the whole a man who refuses to hold a gut paired up with a man that only knows how to use one. Glory hasn’t grown on me as much as I would like. She is good character with lots of potential its just we haven’t got much more than “she is a well trained disaster relief worker who cant talk about where she is from.” I am eagerly anticipating getting to know her character better. Out side of the main troop of travelers the side character I have fallen for the most so far has been bottlecap. At first, after hearing her name and the fact that she was the head of a trading town, I assumed that she was going to be a diehard “everything has its price” types. I was very pleasantly surprised when she turned out to be a very fleshed out character. Well aware that some of her actions facilitated the deaths of Innocent pony’s, and was trying her best to make sure that the good she did was more than the bad.
The only thing that I think I could really criticize right now was the from the fight with the gorgon and that’s probably because I just finished that chapter. After seeing his reaction to the thought that he had lost glory in the hospital of horror, it felt odd that we got little to no reaction from blackjack seeing his whole troop turned to stone. I don’t know I just think it felt cheep after his previous reaction.
Great job somber. You have done a great job with this fic. Having your own style while keeping the feeling of some other authors world, witch is a mash up of two other worlds, cant be easy, and yet you seem to have managed to pull it off brilliantly. I eagerly await your next chapter. (almost as much as kkats :P)
I never liked hospitals before. I've had too many bad memories in them. Now I'm really regretting volunteering driving my roommate up for her appointment this week.
ReplyDeleteOk, I've read up to chapter 9 now. I have to say I didn't know what to expect going in, fan fiction of fan fiction? But honestly, I stayed up till 3AM before collapsing in exhaustion last night, and returning to this fic was the first thing I did this morning.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a very coherent pony, but here are a few thoughts.
The character of Blackjack is a refreshing break from Littlepip. Though they seem to share and struggle with the same moral code, Blackjack is more used to violence striaght from the start, doesn't shy away from making quips and breaking the tension and is more of a badass! I do hope she keeps the awesome Authority glasses, they suit her very well in my imagination :) (also, glowing eyes!)
I think you've done a good job playing around in Kkat's world so far, keeping true to power structures and geography she's set up so far but also injecting your own factions and locations into the mix. The history you've added to the MWT and Bigmac is now 'canon' to me as long as Kkat doesn't ruin it. The small nods to Littlepip here and there are a nice treat for attentive readers as well.
I think I prefer the relationship building in Project Horizons to the main story because it seems that in FO:E the companions follow LP almost immediately after they met her, due to reasons of loyalty, regret or debts owed. Here I think it took 8 chapters of relationship building for P-21 to call Blackjack his friend.
My one main concern before finishing chapter 9 was that the character of Lancer seemed to be a null character, like he was invisible (literally). Now I know that was kind of the point, he wasn't a new companion but a deliverer of WHAM at the end of the chater. You are a clever pony, Somber. The other concern was simply bad spellign and grammar, but we all suffer from that.
Anyway, I'll be very interested in where you take this story and eagerly await enjoying more chapters soon!
@lugthor
ReplyDelete::Taps hooves together awkwardly, blushing.:: Um... Blackjack's a girl. I...ah... guess I need to empathize her gender some more?
For the rest of your good points, I've been told it is darker. I dunno about that. It is more dangerous though. So far no one's noticed that injuries are a lot more than just 'slug a healing potion and I'm better.' P-21's leg requires heavy duty magical surgery. The only time Blackjack is fully healed is after visiting a unicorn doctor. I hoped some folks would notice, but I guess it's not really all that important.
Blackjack is an idiot hero. She is just as ignorant as LilPip... even more so. But she wants to be good because the alternative is to become what the Wasteland wants her to be. Blackjack is obsessed with doing better and being good. That doesn't last long in the wasteland.
I'm glad you're finding P-21 interesting. Blackjack hasn't even cracked his shell yet. He's a tough nut... a very angry nut. Glory is a horse of a different hoof. She's got secrets. One won't talk. One can't. When you meet some of the other characters, I hope you find them interesting too.
I am so glad you liked Bottlecap. My pre-reader said 'She sounds like a quest NPC'. She actually has a bigger role.
If Blackjack had been given time to think about what had happened, even a minute or two, she would have fallen apart completely... and probably tried a kamikaze charge. As it was, she is getting smarter... just... slowly.
Thank you for your comments. Ch 10 is done, ch 11 is 2/3 written.
@Corwyn: I don't like hospitals either.
I am a little confused. When stallions were described as P-19 or U-21 I assumed the letter stood for Pegasus and Unicorn. Is the P from the Pony in Earth Pony? Besause I assumed that they would be E-19.
ReplyDeletePlease send your query of the overmare's designation system to the overmare's office. I'm sure the overmare will be sure to explain her decision in a timely matter. Please wait in security till she can get back to you. thank you.
ReplyDeleteIn reality it's just what I went with. I liked P-21 better than E-21. Sorry for the confusion.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteThat confused me too. I think it can be explained, though: considering everything else that's wrong with Stable 99 and the fighting that no doubt ensued when the first generation of males were told what would be happening to them, a quirk in the designation system doesn't seem that farfetched.
@somber
ReplyDelete~massive face-hoof~
shoot I'm sorry about that. I know that blackjack is a girl its just unless my brain is thinking about it/ or its important to the character i tend to auto switch them around. i do the same thing with rainbow dash sometimes. i know its the worst kind of social prejudice, the kind you don’t even notice till its pointed out to you. i deeply apologize for that. you have done a fine job making sure we know she is a girl. from the social structure within stable 99 to the scene with prince splendid to the budding relationship between blackjack and P-21. I'm just not a smart pony:(
@lugthor
ReplyDeleteActually, based on the scene with the prince, I think Blackjack would have more luck with P-21 if you weren't using the wrong pronoun...
I was a bit confused about that to at first. im not sure if P-21 was jealous of blackjack getting close to the prince or of how the prince was getting close to blackjack.
ReplyDelete@somber
ReplyDelete~massive face-hoof~
shoot I'm sorry about that. I know that blackjack is a girl its just unless my brain is thinking about it/ or its important to the character i tend to auto switch them around. i do the same thing with rainbow dash sometimes. i know its the worst kind of social prejudice, the kind you don’t even notice till its pointed out to you. i deeply apologize for that. you have done a fine job making sure we know she is a girl. from the social structure within stable 99 to the scene with prince splendid to the budding relationship between blackjack and P-21. I'm just not a smart pony:(
Holy shit, chapter 6. The whole middle part was pant-wettingly scary, that gore scene was extremely disturbing, and the conclusion made me cry, just a little...
ReplyDeleteHush now, quiet now...
I watch an episode of MLP:FIM, I read Fallout. I watch another episode, I read more Fallout. I don't really know how or why this fandom works in so many wild and varied ways but by Luna I love it! Keep up the good work :) This story is fantastic!
ReplyDeleteSomber, sorry for the lack of feedback that I would normally give, life caught up to me again and now I'm even more so cut for time, I will try to have at least a review for Ch.5 tomorrow, and trust me you'll know when to make the character snap out of the angst mode, you're really adept at setting boundaries to emphasize emotion and drama, but not so much as to nag it on like a troll arguing with a roleplayer. Keep writing! I noticed you! I love the story! You are someone!
ReplyDeleteSomber, sorry for the lack of feedback that I would normally give, life caught up to me again and now I'm even more so cut for time, I will try to have at least a review for Ch.5 tomorrow, and trust me you'll know when to make the character snap out of the angst mode, you're really adept at setting boundaries to emphasize emotion and drama, but not so much as to nag it on like a troll arguing with a roleplayer. Keep writing! I noticed you! I love the story! You are someone!
ReplyDeleteJust popped into Chapter 10, hope this comment doesn't get delorted in the comment mode switchover.
ReplyDeleteNice drops between abstract, history and present. I didn't page count, but it felt shorter and flowed at a higher pace from all the changing of perspective between BJ when sick/hurt, BJ in memory orbs and then her actions at the end. I quite enjoyed all that switching up.
Noticed a quick typo;
"She needed a lot more that Glory." - 'than'
Also was confused by this line;
"I risked opening my eyes and saw at the mine boss’s bed." - 'Saw I was on?'
Was pretty awesome seeing the Shadowbolts performing how they did in the memory orb. Awesome visual concept. Furthered by getting to see Mac being the big damn hero that he is.
Got an almost "Firefly Reaver" feeling off of Tumbleweed when she succumbed to the Raider mindset. That was pretty cool, utterly crazy, mind.
I felt the story perhaps glossed over the zebras deciding to come with them, it sort of came from no-where that suddenly those two wished to accompany them. A welcome addition, just perhaps a tad too brief notation.
I always enjoy really abstract writing when in sickness. It allows for so much imagination. So BJ's operation mind thoughts were very fun in the same way that I enjoyed Littlepip's fever dreams in Steelhooves' hovel. Great stuff.
Speaking of, liked the LP shout out. And on that note, are they headed towards Everfree onto Ponyville? I rechecked it and you mentioned following rails, but both ways had rails mentioned. I may have missed a line accidentally, so I'm not going to consider this a criticism when it is perhaps just my fault as a reader.
@fuzzy
ReplyDeleteThe way I read it it went that dusty said that they should head up the rails to ponyville, but BJ decided to have take the rails that go into the tunnles witch lead to the core. that way all the bounty hunters will run off to ponyville looking for them cause no ones crazy enough to go into those tunnles.
I finally got the feel and the difference!
ReplyDeleteThe original Kkat's story felt like playing the original game. This feels like playing a really awesome handmade mod for the game. Great, but not perfect. Extending the experience, but no match for original story.
@Fuzzy
ReplyDeleteThank you for pointing out typos. Hinds and I try and catch them all but sometimes something gets by us.
Dusty's plan: follow the rails SW out of Hoofington towards FillyD, turn NW and skirt the edge of the Everfree till they reached Ponyville, get to New Appleloosa or Manehattan and be safe. BJ's plan: take the rail lines NE towards the city and slip out between hunters coming from the N and E. And something goes wrong.
This story takes place in Hoofington and, with two possible exceptions, won't cross paths with anywhere Lilpip's been.
@Anon: There's no way I could compete with Kkat's work and I really don't want to try. This is fanfic of fanfic. All I want is for the story to be good. That's all I can hope for.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteWould I be correct in assuming that stable 99 kills off it's male population in order to transform them into recycled food?
Does that make everyone in Vault 99 a cannibal? Are we going to have more closure with that vault at some point in the future?
@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteQuestion 1: next chapter. Question 2: Answers to come
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Other Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of seeing it as what FO:NV was to F3, but only as far as it being set in a different location, the gambling theme and Hardcore mode obviously turned on :)
I liked this chapter. It was some really good character development for the entire party: Blackjack, Glory, and even P-21. Glory is slowly giving out more details about here Enclave life, Blackjack is trying more and more to cope with the Wasteland (Even equating it to poker, to try and understand why and what's happening to her), and P-21 is letting his anger and hate seep out.
ReplyDeleteI just hope that Blackjack recovers by the next chapter, since the story really slowed down here (Though, from what you've said so far, next chapter seems to be a pretty intense one).
!!! it appears my comment was posted twice and I can't delete it.... blogger fail.
ReplyDeleteIs it just me or does it seem Blackjack has feelings for P-21 and vice-versa. The thought of them in a romantic relationship in the future is both funny and cute.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused by the first chapter, especially when BJ and P-21 evaded Dheus (sp?), but the story really gripped me once they left the stable. The characters are all really great and I love how each of them has a sense of mystery.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts on the characters:
Blackjack: For as much as she doubts her intelligence with subjects of math/science/econimics/history ect..., she is an amazing strategist without realizing it. She has a 'smart aggresive' style. She plays things offensively, but doesn't try to bite more than she can chew. To put it in BJ's terms, she won't go all in on a bad hand.
Besides that, her ignorance and lack of critical thinking is very fitting considering her place in the stable where she accepted and carried out orders, no questions asked, for the 'good' of the Stable.
Before chapter 6, I was worried that she was going to let the wasteland change her without realizing it. But after she decided to kill the foals (which was the better, but harder choice imo) and let the slaver go, her position on murder took a whole new spin for the better after her episode.
And boy can she take a hit!
P-21:
This character has bad written all over him in my opinion. His hidden rage and lack of a decent consciousness makes me nervous. His snapping at Blackjack and Morning Glory is absolutely cruel. But from I've seen, he is capable of doing good. Like when he helped nurse Blackjack to good health after her radiation. But at the same time, this could be cold and calculated corrupt kindness. I get the feeling that is something he wants, and he needs Blackjack to carry it out.
But maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe he can eventually move on from his hatred.
Morning Glory:
Loyal, Smart, Skilled, and Innocent. Although I know this character is good at heart, she also worries me a bit with her experiment on Raiders but then again, she is cutting them up like a surgeon instead of some sick raider who wants nothing by gore.
I feel really bad for her though, it seems the Enclave is using the Volunteer Corps as a means of not just killing off those who want to return to the surface, but also make an example out of them to strangle the moral, show the residents that the surface is unfit for anyponies help yet and going down there is a death sentence for anypony not put in a suit of Enclave Power Armor.
If she runs into Enclave and reveals her title as a Peace Corps volunteer, I doubt the meeting will be friendly.
Keep up the good work Somber.
@Anon
ReplyDeleteI'd say Blackjack definitely has feelings for P-21. The issue is whether or not his "stable door swings that way."
Ch.5
ReplyDeleteWell this was certainly interesting. Even though morning Glory didn't shoot Blackjack, she instead received a near fatal injury and poisoned, (wonder if that will have an effect later on?)
That Hoofington megamart kind of surprised me that so many different factions gathered together in one place.. even if GUN is keeping constant watch.
I'm really thankful you elaborated on what the enclave is, because in FO:E all we know is that they're a secret group of pegasi that are doing some sort of odd mission on the surface that could lead to a disaster, or another plot twisting plan.
I think I may like the way you tie up the past a little bit better than Kkat, a few more conspiracy to it in a shorter amount of time.. trottingham's folly? Wonder what gun reference that is, and dayum! That's one big bullet.
Few typos here and there, sorry I can't remember where exactly they are, but there are a few. Oh and, I didn't like you abbreviating the character names in the terminal's files, I could understand the mane cast, but I think there were background ponies that threw me off. First names are completely acceptable, heck even encouraged from my part.
I can't wait to read the next chapter, too bad school hinders me from getting my fill of ponies. Oh well, just gotta pick your head up and keep on moving!
That chapter 3 death scene in the boneyard is the most gruesome I have read out of every F:E fic, because I visualized a similar death in the crossed series. I congratulate you on making me truly feel for this fic, on levels I would normally reserve for past sins. Please keep up the good work, and make seth post the updates faster.
ReplyDeletecheck out this fan pic i came across looks awesome
ReplyDeletehttp://ponibooru.413chan.net/post/view/42532
Also thanks for the story it falls in a close second or comes close to equaling fallout Equestria in its greatness In my book id place it up with some of the best ficts Ive ever read
Eeeep That pic made my night! n.n
ReplyDelete@ Blakestar: I'm glad you like how it's developing. As for the lack of names, well... somethings would be a give away.
Also, remember that the enclave in Horizons is operating out of Thunderhead and is some what independant of the Enclave as a whole as far as their own agendas. Kkat is, and always will be, canon.
Does P-21 have an actual name, or just a label? I mean that would just be depressing; he was at one point P-1--P-5 (new), then P-6--P15 (used), followed by P-16--P-20 (old), and now he's P-21 (obsolete)(don't know how you would classify this, but this is how I view it). Doesn't he want an actual name? I could understand it if he's keeping his name secret in a fashion that is similar to how companions open up in FO:NV.
ReplyDeleteI just think it would be depressing to always be a recognized only as your label, especially a label that means you're no longer necessary.
@Anon
ReplyDeleteI don't think P-21 was ever given a name.
“The fronts of their brains were full of little holes. It looked almost like a sponge.” See? Translate smart into stupid and I had no problem following along. “The front of the brain is where most of your long-term decision making happens.”
ReplyDeleteSo Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease in ponies? But Glory just gave it away by telling all the causes of CJD without knowing herself. So it might be bovine spongiform encephalopathy from brahmin meat, which would make a lot of sense. The level of mutation that would cause a second head would certainly damage prions to a BSE which with ingestion could cause variant CJD, that could easily spread but brings up the question of why only raiders have it. Guess it's just cannibalism causing transfer of infected prions then. If I didn't know better I'd say you were making a very well informed Book of Eli reference.
@Blackie
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, New Vegas mentions symptoms too, but it never implies that as the cause of Raiders.
Is it bad that I'm liking this better than the original? And that's coming from a raving FoE fan.
ReplyDeleteThe hospital scene was one of the creepiest things I have read in a long time, and was made worse by having just recently played through Alice 2. Inlove creepy, and well written grimdark is so hard to find.
Btw, I'm calling it. P-21 is gay. How bad must it be to not be interested in females and still be forced to mate with them? Also explains some of the reactions to certain other males, as well as the comment about stickin dynamite up something's ass. Wrong on so many levels, indeed.
Got more than my share of friends in similar situations, because their parents forced them to be "normal".
It was entertaining, yet scary at the same time when BJ tore through those bounty hunters at the museum. Drunk and mad, indeed!
ReplyDeleteI hope BJ catches a break though, she's been having it really rough these last chapters.
Somber... I love your work, I love what you have done here as much as i love Perils of the Past.... which is why I ask, is it not time to stop kicking Black-Jack in the unmentionables at least for a chapter?
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be nice to see a chapter end where she can feel good about herself/see things become better because of her without it blowing up in her face 10 seconds later?
A whole chapter of nothing bad happening to the main character? I think LilPip went 20 chapters before that happen.
ReplyDeleteShe's done lots of good. She just can't see it. She'll get a break soon... probably by chapter 20.
I've said it before, I'll say it again. Drunken Blackjack is one of the greatest things ever. It's like Vimes from Discworld with guns and a crazier attitude. Brilliant stuff. You better believe I was singing along.
ReplyDeleteI believe you're learning pacing at an accelerated rate, the last few chapters have been hugely better paced than the early ones. You don't feel like you're reading as much. Good sign on your part.
I noted a couple typos/sentence errors. I just wanna say though, I don't point these out as criticisms, everyone gets them now and again. I'm only noting them so you can pop in and edit them, please don't think I'm levelling it as a real "problem" when I spot one or two little typos. Hell, I do it so much more.
"Following the unprecedented slaughter of innocent unicorn students at Littlehorn, the Zebras wasted no time in committing another atrocity with an unprecedented attack on the town."
Unprecendented twice?
"One picture had robots working along the earth ponies"
Along...with?
On a positive note, this line had me giggling madly.
"Great. Security arriving two hundred years after a multiple murder."
Great stuff.
I gotta say I'm now genuinelly curious how BJ ended up alone and such. No doubt it'll be explained, so I won't ask. But I always like moments like these that give you a reason to want to find out more and examine the future of the story. A little ambiguity can go a long way.
Finally, your action writing has improved. Early on there was very much more basic tellings of "bangs" back and forth. But this fight against the bounty hunters had so much more dynamic imagination running through it with close combat, ranged, diving from balconies etc.
Lol, dammit, that's the third time i stopped in the middle of reading FoE to read your story instead. Yer just too damn good at this.
ReplyDeleteThis latest chapter was a doozy. I almost wanted to believe that Priest really was just that nice, but it seems that the Wasteland inevitably chews up and spits out almost everyone. But that just makes those who try stand out all the more. And I agree with Fuzzy, the fight scene here was uber cool what with the diving and the slicing and the pain. It was refreshing to see her grant mercy again, even if it's a little odd. I'm probably biased due to the games, where the solution to most violence is "kill everything as dead as possible." It reminds you not everypony is there just to ramp up the body count.
ReplyDeleteI almost think Blackjack is "too nice" sometimes, if that makes sense. She seemed fine with being a cog in a murder machine as long as it was for the "right" reasons, or she didn't have to think about it. I guess I just find it odd to see a character getting more sensitive to violence instead of less the more they see of it. Or perhaps I'm just grasping at straws to leave a good constructive comment! Either way, I love your story.
Hmm, P-21's character really interests me.
ReplyDeleteDon't get the wrong idea by me immediately jumping on this one aspect, but one of the things that interests me about his character is what the reveal of his sexuality is going to be.
There's a good part of me who figure's he's probably gay. Him acting weird after the encounter with Blueblood's ancestor is one nod.
Still, is it weird for me to hope he's straight, for the sake of his character? I'm fascinated by the potential behind that scenario. I mean, if he was gay and was forced like all the other males to be breeding stock, that's a messed up fate, and has no doubt left him with plenty of issues, which we see quite clearly. It'd lead to confusion on BJ's part if she tries anything, but if/once she wraps her head around the idea, she'd probably accept it and move on.
But having him straight, imo, opens up a lot of interesting interaction with him and Blackjack. He would NOT get over what happened to him easily, and I doubt any relationship between them would be feasible considering what he went through, and how Blackjack could always serve as a reminder. His complex could have driven him to hate, on some level, mares, and so it would be a serious source of inner conflict if he find himself developing feelings for one, ESPECIALLY if it was BJ. On the one hand, his own feelings are betraying him, on the other, she's the only one who could possibly at some stage understand what his life was like. I'm drawn to that potential dilemma.
I think BJ is being thoughtless when she considers her growing affection for the guy (evidence of said affection in her dream: "What do you want?" P-21 asked. "You"). She knows what he went through, but refuses to comprehend it's scope. She's still got remnants of the 99 "Don't ask" mindset, so she doesn't consider what kind of difficulties he may going through whenever he's around mares. I'm not condemning her or anything, in fact I like how realistic and consistent her character is in that regard. She's reckless and plays things by ear. She doesn't think to hard on the "why doesn't he trust himself with a gun" and focuses more on the "how do I work around his refusal to use guns in order for us all to survive?" which is great for survival but could be a disaster waiting to happen when it comes to their relationship.
Anyway, this is all assuming you don't pull an Homage on us and have Blackjack find someone else along the way. Then, I think, the direction P-21's barn door swings will have less significance because, by the very nature of the storytelling style, it simply won't have as much focus and attention from our 1st pony point of view.
Guh, I can't believe myself, I want the guy to be straight so he can suffer more. BUT HE'S AN AWESOME CHARACTER!
@Var
ReplyDeleteLol, I'm usually the one that over-explains things. That's pretty much what I said, and I spotted it almost immediately. P-21 reminds me alot of one of my best friends, and he's had a similar background. Well, not being forced to mate, but having his entire life dictated to and controlled by females. He's also pretty damn smart and perceptive.
Given P-21's inherent anger towards females in command, and how he appeared to be flustered when meeting the Society/Blueblood type outside the hospital, I'm thinking he's more inclined to stallions than the mares. Because there was likely a lot of male bonding back in the stable given how they were used as commodities/slaves really. They probably had separate housing from the others, whether a small wing with 20 rooms, or a bunkhouse type. Don't think it matters much story-wise at this point though unless it comes up as a flashback or stress-induced outburst from P-21 or even Blackjack starts talking to another pony about stable life there and then starts to dawn on her what they were like.
ReplyDelete@ Corwyn
ReplyDeleteWhich is why I hope he's straight, because that could bring all of that out into the foreground. it's not that I think it'd be bad if he was gay, far from it, it's just that I'm really interested in seeing his side of things on the matter, so that might make me a little biased.
Now that I think about it, if he is inclined towards stallions the exposition could also work if Blackjack does something stupid like makes a move on him. I don't know how likely that scenario is because she's got no idea how to go about it - with stallions she just had to sign up for rotation, for mares (Midnight) her strategy seemed to be the same for everything else - direct and reckless.
Anyway, I like the idea of the pairing, but I also like how much the story is set up against it even ignoring where P-21's barn door swings. His past trauma and aggression, her thoughtlessness, recklessness and implication that she just wants to experience love for the sake of love, it all sets the story up so that, so long as the story's quality stays this high, I'll most likely be satisfied no matter who pairs up with who.
Core of Hoofington an extremely large, well armed death trap, but probably filled with some of most high-tech and most useful weapons and armor ever created...Give me the location and I'll weave a trail of destruction through that place. My specialties include blowing apart anything that appears as a red rectangle, removing abominations, and surviving when my odds of survival are one in a thousand.
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous
ReplyDeleteSomepony didn't read Ditzy Doo's Wasteland Survival Guide. First mistake.
The place kills you just by being there. If the lasers and security systems don't kill you, if you don't succumb to radiation poisoning and taint, then whatever force is lurking in there will just suck the life from your bones.
Don't try to be a hero, brony, and don't try to act tough. Take those skills to greener pastures - Core isn't a deathtrap, it's a tomb.
I enjoy a challenge. Worked my way down to the entrance of Vault 87 once. Found a skeleton with a hat and a suitcase, it was either empty or had some random junk, can't remember though. Didn't even get the location marked as found. So I just returned to an earlier save, since there was nothing of value though I did have enough rad-away to leave, but why waste it for nothing.
ReplyDeleteBesides, where's the fun in not raiding a fortress filled with robots wanting to reduce those whom come close to ashes or goo?
Now that I think about it, even though I took the safer way into Vault 87, I still went back and took the more dangerous route just for the fun of killing the super mutants there.
ReplyDelete@Anon
ReplyDeleteTurn off auto-save and try a no-save run in Hardcore.
@ Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOkay big shot, but this time, do it with hooves.
Taking a break from Perils, Somber?
ReplyDelete@Cold in Gardez
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately yes. This project has utterly consumed me. :( I am so very sorry.
Chapter 6:
ReplyDelete"We encountered a box in the hall; a large metal cube with small pink hearts painted on each side. I couldn't explain why, but I had the strangest fondness for the box."
I love this author.
Doesn't that fanart put Blackjack's PipBuck on the wrong leg?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what I find more amusing, that everyone is repeating what I said, or that Somber isn't responding to it.
ReplyDeleteI think he's having fun with us, heh.
@ Drax
ReplyDelete??
I'm not really repeating what you said, I'm looking at what possible issues and relationship conflicts could come up in the story. I'm not making any declarations on whether P-21 is gay or not, I'm just contemplating how his issues could be explored when it is revealed.
@ Somber
ReplyDeleteSo the itchy mane thing... does Blackjack have a Pinkie Pie sense thing going on? If so, what does it mean? 'Trouble'? 'This is a bad idea'?
@Var
ReplyDeleteFor this, I agree. It is confusing where the coin will fall on P-21 regarding his outlook on romantic partners.
Heck, perhaps he's just waiting for a submissive type to offer herself. It'd be much different than him being told to perform by overbearing matriarchal society who we read treated him as little more value than the sum of his male bits.
@Var
ReplyDeleteI also get the feeling that she has some sort of extremely striped down version of the pinky sense. however if I remember correctly, blackjack said in the first chapter that she thinks it means she is feeling lucky, however there's a good chance I may be wrong about that. I on the other hand am under the same impression as you. Itchy mane= Trouble
Finally found time from work and my own story to read your last chapters. They’re as big as Kkat’s and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing.)
ReplyDeleteWhat should I start from… oh right, I really like your story? I said that already the last time but still!
I very liked to learn more about P-21 and Glory, especially Glory. Until chapter six, I though of her as a NPC companion (Nothing special, says something sometimes but doesn’t really fell as a flesh character) while afterwards I’m glad she’s the part of the company.
The way you explained your raiders’ odd behavior and all this brain disease was still a bit off for me, since as I said, I don’t think of raiders that way, but yet it sounded logical, interesting and frightening, with lots of ways this can go.
I’m glad that BJ is straight. Not that I’m sexist or anything, but was afraid there will be BlackJack x Bottlecap as if Pip x Homage. Kinda… the same.
Lancer was just cool. Not that I love “BLOOD AND GORE” and “EVIL” characters but stories such as this needs anti-heroes like him. Not a victim of Wasteland like ghouls and raiders and slavers, but a rational, cold-blooded person who still follows the war rules and mentality, even though it was meant to be left behind two hundred years ago. War, war never changes. Love this character.
Reapers are just assholes. Lol. But I guess that’s what you become in exchange for being a monster. Though, if BlackJack will kill a Reaper, she will become one automatically, right?
The bounty this is also a great way to put your character in lots and lots of troubles and give her a ton of enemies without making her look bad.
Oh, and *Put what everyone said about P-21 and BJ relationships here*
@ Everyone inquiring about P-21's orientation: There's one reason why I really can't comment about that; I don't know 100%. One of the things that makes Kkat an infinitely superior writer to me is that she can plan her story and her characters well in advance. She knows everything they feel. I don't. I've written a scene, read it, and gone 'no, that ain't right. She just wouldn't DO it like that.' For instance, the first time I wrote ch 3, she listened to Scoodle. Then I realized that Blackjack is an idiot who thinks she knows better than any filly that's actually lived in the wasteland. It got Scoodle killed.
ReplyDeleteP-21 has lived with horrific personal and sexual trauma. In any other stable he would have been a kind and highly intelligent (though still probably grumpy) member of society. Instead, he was marginalized, stigmatized, and abused simply because of his gender. The only sex he could 'choose' to have sex with was his own. Does that mean he's oriented towards males? Does it mean he's oriented away from females? I don't know. I have the scene in my head, but till I actually write it even I don't know how he's going to come out of it.
@Var: She has a luck of 9, a perception of 6, and an intelligence of 4 until recently.
@ Somber
ReplyDeleteIs that a yes, she does? I've played Fallout but I'm no expert. Hmm, lets look at this. Higher than average perception could mean she picks up more from the environment, perhaps on a subconscious level, and near peak luck could mean the majority of 'hunches' she has are correct... but until now her lower than average intelligence means she hasn't placed much importance in those gut (or mane, rather) feelings and as such isn't using the Sense effectively like Pinkie could.
And hearing that P-21 orientation is still up in the air intrigues me. I've had moments like that in my own stories. Still, in spite of everything I hold out the hope for a Bj and P-21 pairing, not for the sake of romance but for the sake of better exploring P-21's demons. I'd imagine he'd hate himself for having feelings for a 99 mare like Blackjack. It'd be a major hurdle for them both to overcome and.. well, I really want to see them try.
There are many obvious points against the couple, but for me a big one in favor would be that BJ is the only one who could at some point come to understand what he went through.
XD look at me, shipping for the sake of character exploration rather than romance. Whatever happens though, Somber, I'll remain an avid reader!
I'm just going to chime in on the p-21 discussion really quick. even tho P-21 had a horrible time living in 99 he did have at least duct tape as his friend. (even if the physical part of there relationship was something he didn't want). they where close enough that she was willing to risk social ostracism to help him. i know that her death was probably just more fuel on the fire of his hate for 99, but i think it shows that he wouldn’t be willing to just strait up hate everyone in 99. now weather he will ever be able to forgive BJ for being a silent participant to his torment is another matter. i just think there is the window at least for reconciliation between the to of them assuming nether of them dose something to mess it up. Of course that just some speculation on my part.
ReplyDelete@ lugthor
ReplyDeleteExcellent point you have there. Was P-21 manipulating Duct Tape or did he really consider her a friend? It'd be tough to keep up a charade like that, especially even before the Overmare's plot was introduced to DT, so my money is on her actually being a more positive face for P-21.
It has been shown that he can rationalize matters like this - for instance, he does see Blackjack as different from the rest because she defended him when the other security mares tried to kill him on the spot... but if his temper gets out of control and something gets screwed up between them (like when she went solo to get those medical supplies), rational goes out the window, and resentment could build.
Huh, now that I think about it, do you think he was the father of Duct Tape's filly?
Ooh, now that would sting if he was the father.
ReplyDeleteJust finished chapter 6, and... well... wow...
ReplyDeleteDat chapter!
I... I don't even know where to begin! The first third of the chapter was good and well executed, flowing along nicely with the previous 5 chapters. But as it turned to the hospital scene, starting with the "black-maroon letters reading "PLAY"'... it just went haywire. Not haywire bad, mind you, but... well, let's just say that before I'd expect this sort of chill down my spine from a good session of Call of Cthulhu and nothing less. Here I stand corrected. UTTERLY corrected.
Was it only me looking out through my bedroom window expecting to see the mutilated head of a small child staring back at me, mouthing the word "Play?" If so I may be more jumpy than I thought, but still...
This was an excellent chapter. And the way you destroyed... no, annihilated the innocence of "Hush now, quite now" was executed awesomely as well! I'd have to say that just like Kkat herself the written word is the tool with which you practice the trade of FanFic Writing, and also like her you handle it like a true master! Oh, I know I'll be terrified of hospitals in the close future...
Don't worry, I was nearly driven insane when it was revealed that all this was due to the warped minds of children. I can handle some adult psycho causing the deaths of everyone who ventured up there, but for children to be that warped and twisted is just wrong. Children should be far more innocent in my opinion, so when they become this screwed up, it's not good on my psyche. I was also wondering if that experience had more in common with Dead Space then Fallout. Felt more like something one would find in Dead Space in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThis is extremely good work, well worthy of its own entry...and now it has one! Yay!
ReplyDeleteAlright, now that I finally managed to finish my review of FO:E 36 I can get back to reviewing this, hopefully before I get any further behind heh (still haven't read chapter 6 yet because I want to wait until I've finished going back over the first 5 - if you can call what I do a 'review' heh).
ReplyDeleteChapter 1:
I was a bit confused as to Blackjack's gender, up until Blackjack said she was the head of security's daughter. Well actually the first chapter itself seems slightly confusing, but I believe that could be attributed to the stark difference between Stable 99 and Stable 2. I'm not sure if adding a prologue or intro would make it "better" though, because in a way it might detract from a bit of the mystery. Okay that probably wasn't helpful at all, let's move on.
Gambling for chits is an interesting idea, considering that there's no real money in the Stables. I wonder if it'll come up as a Chekhov's Gun later (though I don't know if you're as much into those as Kkat is heh).
Considering that Blackjack actually was keeping an eye on U-15 through 19, I suppose she isn't a strict fillyfooler, as she said while they were gambling, she just was looking for fun. Speaking of U-15, I really didn't make the connection about the designations until later (U's are clearly unicorns). So originally I was wondering if the P's were actually pegasus, except for Blackjack's surprise at seeing the Enclave members later, which makes that somewhat unlikely. Either that or P-21 is keeping a big secret (less likely), or the Overmare amputated the wings off all the males (unlikely, but I wouldn't put it past her), or the P stands for either "Pony" or "Penis" of which well the second is definitely the most likely of all the options. Yeah, considering how Daisy reacts, it's most likely the P does not stand for Pony.
I do like Blackjack's decisiveness when the raider attack starts, it says a lot about her experience in being a security mare.
Yeah I have to admit I'm not really broken up about the fate of the Overmare, Marmalade and Daisy - though nopony deserves something like that, so there is a tiny shred of feeling sorry for them deep inside.
"Oh look, Billy has a new favorite word." Okay yeah I laughed out loud at this, despite the situation; Blackjack has a nice sense of humor.
"Running's not a plan. Running's what you do when a plan fails!"
In all, I thought it was a solid first chapter.
Chapter 2:
I really love Blackjack's reaction to seeing the sky for the first time. It's just one of those things (like Littlepip's hatred of collapsing floors/ceilings) that can't properly be conveyed through a game, but you really wish they could because of its emotional value.
Ah I feel bad for it, but I laughed at P-21's "You're pregnant?!"
The journals and the burial scene was very touching.
I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I get caught up while re-reading these chapters to review that I end up just reading them instead of looking for things I wanted to mention.
Another powerful scene in the school, with P-21 being (as Blackjack put it) "still hung up on 99", his statement that all his pipbuck ever showed was red markers was especially poignant.
Chapter 3:
ReplyDeleteThe interactions with the Crusaders in this chapter and from the end of the last are cute in a somewhat unsettling way. Spoodle actually being helpful was nice, when it seemed like the rest would have easily taken a rotten turn just like Monteray Jack.
A quick listing of factions, sounds like things will be plenty complicated down the road.
And then, you remind me this story is tagged grimdark... Oh Godesses poor Spoodle... As horrifying as the Boneyard scene is, it's magnificently done.
I'm really conflicted about having Silver Spoon as a glowing one - one one hand, she's one of my favorite ponies so I was really happy to see her. On the other hand, especially after what just happened to Spoodle, the tragedy of her situation is just as crushing as it is effective. Something terrible is going to happen...
And that scene between Blackjack and P-21 after they leave Boneyard is so powerful, I'm back to crying again...
And the scene with Watcher after that...
Incredibly powerful chapter, my favorite (despite how horribly sad it is) of the 5 I've read so far.
Though there is a problem (possibly from Chapter 2, I didn't pay quite enough attention) that you switch between "Spoodle" and "Scoodle" in this chapter, so I'm not sure which one is supposed to be correct.
Chapter 4:
Yeah I kinda take back what I said before, after the logs here I really don't mind what happened to the Overmare at all, she did deserve it; and part of me hopes she lived to see Gin Rummy take over the Stable operations.
The bantering between Blackjack and P-21 was very refreshing after last chapter - very nice placement for it.
Blackjack beating the snot out of things with her nightstick brings back oddly good memories of smacking radroaches with my own in Vault 101. And her whining about the beam pistol not being a real gun makes me smile and think about my favorite Fallout 3 let's player (crocodi1e) never using energy weapons because he says they "sound like a toilet flushing" when they fire.
Poor Blackjack getting shot in the face - though she makes it seem far more funny than it really should be.
I don't remember who Brolly is from the show and I feel really bad for that now...
The whole scene at the doughnut shop, and Glory screaming at the end, another really powerful scene, making me tear up again (again).
Well, I'll have to get to Chapter 5 tomorrow, and then finally I'll be able to start on 6, which I'm really looking forward to (and terrified of at the same time) after skimming the other comments.
Hi
ReplyDeleteFeedback. I know everyone else does these crazy long "As I read" posts since Jeremy Rush posted that monstrously funny one over on the main FO:E thread. I won't. I simply think I'll handle this better in a more traditional format.
Alright first off.
I love Blackjack's name. I love the meanings, double meanings and even the less obvious meanings and the meanings only I can see because quite frankly if I could ever get a character name fitted to a character half as well I could die happy. I like the card game. I like the double layer with it's meaning as "law enforcement club". I like that it characterizes her before the story even starts. I love that somepony called Blackjack is traveling with somepony called P-21. I furthermore love playing cards and playing (metaphorically and literally) with them, so it's not hard to see why I'm happy.
Continuing, I loved the card game sequences, especially the ones that Blackjack hallucinated. I've always had a thing for death as the dealer. Eagerly waiting more on this score.
Craziness over, the way you've characterized your three lead roles is brilliant. Blackjack makes a perfect foil for Lil Pip in the heroes role. P-21 is believably angry and bitter, a special kind of screwed up. The wasteland seems to have a penchant for the incredibly horrific. As for Morning glory, I believe she knows a good deal more than she's letting on. She's got an important, game-changing agenda. Then again, who hasn't?
Next on my list of things to praise you to the skies for, The Hoof. Combining elements of The Sierra Madre, The Big MT, The Pitt and New Vegas takes a special kind of devious/evil. I love factional diplomacy stories, I can feel this one's going to be huge.
The Hospital. Holy hell that hospital. That will be all. Decisions like that make me never wanna leave bed.
Next up. Deus Ex Machina, I sense a setup for an epic pun here.
Where else can I go with this? You took Kkat's "canon" and fit this story around it so well it would make most tailors envious. I eagerly await the day Lil Pip and Blackjack accidentally almost kill each other.
Finally. The humor. I giggled for about 5 minutes at the wrath of Gun sequence. Then there was the whole chapter in the museum. Drunken Blackjack is the single most terrifying/hilarious sight in the whole wasteland. Aha, I knew there was another level Blackjack's name worked on. Drunken Blackjack ruins lives.
This probably isn't half of what I want to say, I'll only realise later that there's more I wanted to add. I'll come back and post that as well. Also, if I sound a little crazy, it's because I haven't slept in a day or so. No it's not your fault.
Right. In conclusion. This story is fantastic. Please keep writing.
KK. 12 done and in queue. Starting 13.
ReplyDelete@ Wavemaster: To be honest, it started as Spoodle I didn't like it. So it became Scoodle. All Spoodles are supposed to be Scoodles like doodles are like noodles. Soodles?
Ch1: Blackjack is oppertunisticly bi. She's hetero oriented but if it feels good she won't turn down a filly. Was she isn't good at is relationships, at all. You'll have to tell me if I like C. guns or not. >.> Blackjack is all decisive... until she turns indecisive. She's never quasidecisive.
Ch2: I know LilPip had a similar reaction. She's over it now. BJ is only able to look at the night sky without the OMG gonna die reaction. She's not too keep on open spaces either. P-21's hang up is walking right next to him.
Ch3: Well she did just save them, and I'd like to believe kids are better than adults... because I'm stupid. ::Blink:: Silver Spoon is one of your favorite ponies? ::Blink:: Watcher needs heroes, but if she can't get over ONE death, she's wasteland kibble.
Ch4: Always nice to have an honest to goodness badguy to hate, eh? Blackjack has a habit of getting shot by ponies she wants to help. And to her, a gun goes bang bang, smells of cordite, and makes holes in things. A beam gun is some kind of fiddly arcane techny snuff used by ponies she would have cheated off of is school.
Hope you like ch 6.
Everhopeful: I'm glad you like it. Thank you for the specifics. I'd never be able to do a point by point critque, even if they are amazing to read. Good points and bad points are better than nothing. I want this story to be wonderful, and feedback gives me that opportunity.
Wow. Well there goes my chance at a decent first impression. I really shouldn't have stayed up that extra hour last night.
ReplyDeleteNot that I regret giving feedback, or most of what I said, it's my manner of expression that leaves a lot to be desired.
*Sigh* I always did give the worst feedback. Well, I give the type of feedback I hate. I can't write critically. I can't write about flaws in a story. It's a problem, I'm seriously no good at giving bad news.
Not that I secretly think there's anything wrong with the story. There isn't anything remotely serious or problematic. It's just that if there was, say a spelling mistake, I can't point it out. I need you to understand that in advance. Or at least retroactively.
So yeah. I'm a sugar guy. I dispense praise. Which isn't the most helpful type of reviewer, but I guess it's better than nothing.
I also use entirely too many words.
The whole point I was trying to make was that I can't do bad points.
Also, this story is wonderful. Already.
I was able to cover most of the ground last night that really impressed me. The cold light of day provides a few more talking points.
The first encounter with the raiders in the school. I really liked it, it reminds me of Springvale High in Fallout 3, which is one of those things that has stuck with me since I played it. It really highlights the corruption and evil in the wasteland. You handled it brilliantly.
Then the Boneyard. Scoodle. Poor Scoodle. And Silver Spoon. Silver Spoon struck me almost as a statement of intent for this story.
How that works is, well, it starts back in FO:E with
Diamond Tiara. Her journal is as an excellent example of the way that FO:E seamlessly blends the Fallout and FiM canon. Then in Project Horizons along comes Silver Spoon, glowing one. A gap that was never going to be filled by Kkat that you fleshed out and brought to the forefront. A throw away line turned into a harrowing, horrifying encounter. The moment that popped up, I knew. I knew this wasn't your average fanfic of a fanfic. Which brings me to something major.
Project Horizons feels like the other helix in the Equestrian wasteland's DNA. That feels like the best way I can say it. Make of it what you will because most of the explaining part of my brain appears to have turned to mush.
That was just a few more of my thoughts, I thought I'd better try again. This didn't turn out much better than the first, but at least I'm working at full capacity this time.
I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
Scoodle works, I just wanted to be sure so I could go back into the chapters I've already saved and correct whichever one was wrong.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I really like Silver Spoon, because someone needs to.
anyways, on with Chapter 5 thoughts:
15 caps to get into the city doesn't seem like all that much (you pay more to get in to see the King, if I recall properly), though I can empathize with Blackjack not wanting to pay anything.
"Wrath of Gun" is pretty amusing, and if it does fire I-beams that would be sick, and awesome.
Blackjack's love of shotguns is so cute; and I really hope she actually gets an IF-88 Ironpony.
The fight in the radscorpion den was well done. And there I go again getting wrapped up in re-reading this chapter and forgetting I was supposed to be picking out things to comment on. Really though that means it's a well crafted and interesting chapter - between the suspense of Glory's injury, the fights, and the bantering between the three of them. Blackjack's mistake with the energy grenade was fitting, and well it would have certainly been (more) amusing had the situation not been so dire.
@Everhopeful - I believe in Kkat's post calling for more detailed reviews that she mentioned something (very loosely) along the lines of "If you don't have anything to complain about, say what you liked so that I know what worked".
That's what I've been clinging to, since I've yet to run into any real problems with her story, or with this one (obviously the Scoodle/Spoodle issue was so minor I didn't even notice it the first time I read chapter 3).
As for your format, just do what you can, your comments certainly weren't any worse than mine. I know I can't do the "as you read" thing that is so popular simply because I get too caught up in the story to bother with little things like taking notes or listening to people trying to talk to me - so I have to go back over the chapter and post-commentate, and still occasionally get too wrapped up in the story and forget any point I was trying to make.
I want more :)
ReplyDelete@Everhopeful
ReplyDeleteYou haven't made a bad impression. Ugh, I misspoke... er, typed! I was just saying that the line by line feedback is amazing but you don't have to do that to give good feedback. Any feedback is great.
Here is why I think a lot of people have problems giving bad feedback: they think it'll discourage the writer. If enough bad things are said they'll stop writing that then you won't get to read anymore. And I'll be honest, for some writers that's true. But let me tell you a secret.
Most writers all ready think their work is horrible; or at least not very good. I write a chapter and some parts two or three times. I'm certain the pacing is horrible, my twists obvious, my cliches unbearable and my prose stinks. Maybe it's just innate insecurity. That why all positive praise and minimal praise isn't as constructive as telling a writer what isn't working in the story. If I think 30 things are wrong, but only 2 parts are complained about, then I can ignore the 28 other parts.
If you can't do bad points, that's fine. Positive is better than nothing. I've commented before about 'writing in the void' where you get nothing at all. I spend about 20 hours or so a chapter writing. Hinds spends 5 hours helping me fix things. So to do that and get nothing is really... really... hard.
Anyway, sorry I blasted you by accident. Um... friendly fire? ::Smiles sheepishly::
Chapter 12!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, Blackjack needs to make a sheath or clamp or something she can use to pick up memory orbs without having to focus magic on the orb.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say that planning necessarily makes one a better writer. Some people do better just writing it as they go like you. Although planning and notes tend to be a great help when it comes to a story like this that's so detailed and full of history in its setting.
Right now I'd give the story a 4/4.5
Really it's just that there are some spelling/grammar issues, as well as a few terminology slip-ups and the slightly lesser quality of the beginning chapters that drag the story down.
One area that I think you do extremely well in PH, (in my opinion even better than the original in some ways) is through the main character's emotional drama. There's been serious moral/ethical dilemmas (if not for Blackjack than at least for the readers) since chapter one, and those dilemmas have, in turn, given us a lot of inner conflict to see in Blackjack. In the original, Little Pip's true emotional troubles don't start until after quite a few chapters have passed. Blackjack is only eleven chapters in and I feel like she already has a much more developed inner turmoil and sense of conflicted morals. Part of the reason the original may have done that was to help create a better sense of growth in Little Pip, but you've done it here and I can't find anything wrong with how you've created it.
Also, chapter eleven: Pure drunken-fun gold. (Which I think might find a disturbing reaction from myself since it was Blackjack killing and castrating ponies...and not even particularly evil ponies.)
@Crimson Valor
I don't think it could be anyone we're aware of from Kkat's story in its visit to Maripony. Remember that Macintosh died quite awhile before the scene from Maripony in FO:E. Which would mean that at the time the unicorn is pregnant PC hasn't abdicated in favor of PL and the ministries wouldn't have formed yet so TS wouldn't be at Maripony yet.
I am kind of concerned about the timeline: Big Mac at the bunker was a pretty awesome scene, but it would have had to fit into a pretty tight timeframe between RD joining the air force in the original and Big Macs death for RD to be leading the Shadowbolts yet not be a Minister Mare. It seems possible given the scene with Applesnack's healing from Fluttershy since RD was clearly fighting at that stage and BM was still alive. But it would still be a pretty tight fit.
@Sebiale
ReplyDeleteWhy can't Rainbow Dash have lead the Shadowbolts while being a ministry mare? The MoA did/does have an image of not doing much (though as we continue to learn more...still waters run deep...), and that image had to come from somewhere.
Chapter twelve: The plot thickens further yet...all sorts of emotional baggage and angst to be found in this story. I feel like it's less of the survival and adventure story that the original is, and more of an action-drama. Which I like better in some ways.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Has it really been a week in-story, or did I miss a sexual encounter of Blackjack's somewhere along the way?
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI wasn't saying she couldn't lead the Shadowbolts and be a MM. Rather that it's less likely she'd be in charge of such an advanced unit before the Ministries formation. RD's really good, but as I said, the timeframe is narrow for her to have achieved the status of leading an elite fighting group but not yet being charge of the MoA.
*mrrs at chapter 12* I somehow knew that would happen, and I get the feeling somepony is going to get their head or butt kicked in hard.
ReplyDelete@ Sebiale: If I'm making persistent errors let me know what. It may be what I think is right isn't. The early chapters are what happens when I write without an editor on board. >.>
ReplyDeleteAs far as timeling: Brimstone fell 3 years after the formation of the ministries. There's an article in ch.25 or 26 about it. And after the Wonderbolts members dies freeing the hostages at the outset of the war, I didn't see it as a stretch that sometime in 13 years RD'd become a precision flyer. Big Macintosh dies 5 years after the formation of the ministries. The bombs went off 10 years after the ministries.
Thanks for the feedback. :3
Mmrr...this is Fuzzy here. For some reason this isn't letting me post under my account. This post is just to test the submission at all. I do have some big feedback for it.
ReplyDeleteHey Somber, as I promised in the "in story" chat, I'll leave this feedback here from reading it. I've tried "thoughts as I read" a couple times but frankly, I keep forgetting to take notes! So I think I'll mostly stick to a traditional style here.
ReplyDeleteAfter the big action climax of the slave raid and Gorgon, a few chapters of lower level work and minor action have kept the pace varied. The whole section with the trap and robots was pretty funny in a very "I'll get you next time, Gadget!" kind of way, although felt a little "random" in the chapter. I'm sure you'll no doubt have something about them again, so we'll see.
Going back to earlier in the story briefly, one line really stood out to me as absolutely fantastic.
---
“I am a story teller. I can tell the threads of truth from the yarns of fancy.”
---
Absolutely excellent on that, nails a ton about her character in one sentence. I was rather glad it was her and not P-21 or Glory. As of the end of the story, why is fairly obvious. What with Glory being with the Enclave (apparently) and...well...the entire thing with P-21.
Ye sweet gods that casts BJ in a different light. "He cried...the...whole...time." I think what it is VERY close to appearing as is fairly obvious without needing to say it. That explains a lot of P-21's mindset. BJ may have forgotten it as her "Just get on with it" life, but I can imagine this is a big sticking point to him. The priest's assertion of apology now feels that much more impactful. Suddenly, I feel that much more sorry for P-21 amongst all this, as well as seeing his even vague assertions of friendship as a much larger gap made over what BJ did to him earlier in life.
My mind perhaps now wonders, does P-21 know BJ didn't remember it? Has he been feeling like she was just ignoring the issue? Lots of questions needing answered from P-21 about his current thoughts on what happened between them so long ago.
Lack of Glory within stories makes me sad. I like Glory. :p Least the next chapter promises plenty of her great fun character. Her relationship to the Enclave shall be interesting. She faking it? Luring BJ? Rejoining them? So many possibilities.
ReplyDeleteWhen you mentioned about the "shared cardinal sin" between BJ and a certain other character in the "world" I actually got to a lot of thinking about it. Given it hasn't happened yet for BJ apparently, I'm none too sure what it may be. But given this chapter, part of me is beginning to wonder if that sin may be of the seven qualities to fall into "lust."
I notice above about you seeking praise and more especially, criticism. I admit, I find criticism hard, not nessesarily due to wanting to be nice but more out of me wondering if what I'm criticising is right. I don't want to send an author down a wrong path of thinking when really they were doing fine. :p
So take everything I say with its own salt. If I say something you go "Nah, he's wrong" to it, then very wel. I may well be. :p
However, I shall try. As I know you've been asking for people to be honest. And I respect that a ton.
I believe there may be a slight slip into too many "random actions" at points. Most of the time you manage to slip by them by providing humour or a small character point in them. However from earlier on when every single fight had an absolute plot purpose, I believe they have become somewhat of a regular "and now action scene" appearance. Now I'm not going to say this is a problem YET. Because it isn't. However I just feel the writing has slightly drifted towards it MAYBE happening. Something to perhaps just keep in mind and be wary of.
Hoofington's set up as this utterly suicidal area has been great. However I may caution that if the story intends to ever go there. You may have done a little _too_ good a job of bigging up its inaccessability. Again, something to be wary of into the future for your own plans that may or may not be there.
And just to finish off, as always, I don't level any typos I spot as criticism, but I feel you would prefer they get noted that they may be fixed up, so here's what I spotted.
“I just though… you being a zebra…”
Thought?
"Lots of nothing out there. Looking down was every bit as hard and looking up."
As?
To finalise. I am loving Project Horizons. It has great characters, a good way of using grimdark without ever falling into "quick" territory and leaps between hilarious moments like the drunken fights and soul crushing moral dillemas. The overall plot feels a little loose at the moment since they started cap hunting, so I hope its momentum maybe picks up soon, but each side story or character arc is interesting enough that I don't feel put out or that I'm missing anything. I know you said you prefer criticism, but praise has its place and I feel I'd be doing wrong to not tell you of them as I have above.
Good work, Somber. I heartily anticipate more.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteThe most consistent error I've seen you make is when you call the young ones, "kids." I believe the proper term is "foal." In MLP it seems to simultaneously mean both fool and a young pony.
Hmmmm, I must have misread something in the original, I thought the ministries weren't formed until after Princess Luna assumed the throne, and that only happened after the failed peace conference where Big Mac was killed.
damn I hate that, wrote a 10 min response, and Blogger ate it.
ReplyDeleteAhem. My comment earlier was because of the fact that I read every post before making mine, and not one person mentioned P-21's sexuality. I bring up my opinion, and now its the hot topic. That makes me giggle.
And Somber, I was so disappointed when BJ didn't get the sword. I was totally doing a RD "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!" when I read that scene... She seems to be rather skilled with martial weapons, and sword would be NASTY under her control. Too bloody perhaps? I know a Baton leaves room for healing and only disabling an enemy. A sword, decapitation, dismemberment.. not so easy to heal. Well, unless you are a ghoul. But man, i wanted to see that, heheh.
And I wanna say Drunken Brawling FTW! I'm Irish, and I support this.
Dammit, now I want some whiskey!
Ah...so Stable 99 isn't just an uber feminist cannibalist hell-hole, it's a rape farm.
ReplyDelete@Fuzzy
I think it just never occured to Blackjack that P-21 was ever anyone but P-21, she isn't a very clever pony after all, though she is striving to fix that. This sheds a much darker light on their relationship.
Somber, I think you are doing a great job. I especially enjoy how you have KKat's style down pat- start off in a dangerous situation, talk, move on to another dangerous situation, and cap it all off with a revelation that somehow makes the wasteland even more depressing and hopeless.
Okay, Glory had better have a good reason for doing this. I really don't want to end up hating her. Has the Enclave found some kind of mind control device?
ReplyDelete@Drax
I believe a reverse blade katana would work. It's like a regular katana except the blade and and mune(back) are switched.
@ Drax
ReplyDeleteHaha, you're Irish too, huh? Whereabouts? I'm a Cork man myself.
@Sebiale
ReplyDeleteThe time line as I've gotten from Kkat (and you can dig through the comments if you like)
Year 0: pirate conflict leads to break down of trade. Something ignites the spark (I'm guessing zebras tried to grab jewel mines or ponies grabing coal supply).
Year 1-10: Celestia runs the war. Fighting is limited and restrained.
Year 10: Littlehorn disaster. Students killed. Celestia abdictates, Luna assumes command and establishes ministries. Hoofington burned.
Year 11-13: Hoofington rises. Major reconstruction and expansion of existing research facilities.
Year 13: Brimstone leads deep dragon strike on the western edges of Hoofington. 'Nopony land' established. Stonewing dies.
Year 15: Assassination attempt at Broken Horn. Big mac dies. Macintosh's Marauders disbanded.
Year 20: Bombs fall, everypony dies.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteAh, I see. Thanks for that :)
@Var
ReplyDeleteSadly, Irish by decent, not nationality. I'd be proud if I was. I live in the US.
"You let them kill themselves over choice?`"
ReplyDeleteHe is a priest, priests guide and hope. They are not meant to act.
Something tells me he is not following a set book or rules though or that whatever he is trying to follow is incomplete. This is a very interesting subject KKat has not addressed yet and sadly we only get to see a small part of a larger picture.
Blackjack is suddenly forced into spiritual reflection. Her worst aspect. She has never once contemplated suicide She has merely wished for her death at the hands of others because she can't ever bring herself to do it herself. Especially not after Scoodle got torn to pieces.
The encouragement from others where just stuff she would have figured out on her own if given time. Probably why she hates waiting and being idle. Because she has been ignoring or running from thinking her entire life.
What comes next is a mixed candybag.
That she would even think to ask about Hoofington is not regular old BJ, then the part where she wanted to jump the priest is creepy.
I did not figure BJ for a nymphomaniac but it makes sense.
Wait. a week. but she left the vault. WHAT THE HELL? WHO HAS SHE? HOW DID I MISS OUT ON? THIS MATH DOES NOT MAKE SENSE! ;O
I feel use of () breaks the flow of immersion.
You should have taken the time to write a bigger piece here rather than break such wonderful immersion.
I wuw your Dj-Pon3 and would love hangovers to play a bigger part. You tend to downplay physical suffering and pain or that is my impression is all.
Then she trips over a bunch of corpses. Now I can't really imagine that her eyesight is that bad, my guess is it's her glasses right?
ReplyDeleteher eyes are good for the darkness right?
but by wearing glasses she negates it?
No tracks? no traces? this helping hand is a great addition to the story.
What follows after works though I never expected BJ to invent such a plan My guess is that it's the +1 int from before is playing a hand at this.
Virgo Zodiac is kind of cute in her own way. Though i have to question those eyes of BJ`s.
At the start of the trap scene this comes up:
"I said as pulled the head of the closest hostage to me and whispered, “Don’t run just yet.” He swallowed, staring into my amber-glowing eyes and nodding.
But later she loses her glasses from getting shot at and everyone freaks out?
Two weeks ago(This is a very weird timeline here?) she would kill for what file now? Didn't she have that file since she left from the stable?
The rest is mighty fine, though the whole locker thing seems more tacked on than anything else.
The memory orb though. Priceless but why she did not send a Pegasi to fetch while holding hostages or try to pry more info out of them is beyond me WAY BEYOND ME.
BJ is kind of silly sometimes. That is a great part of her charm. If she always did the smart or even the metagame thing to do she would probably not be this cool. I hope you can use some of this and if not then thanks for reading anyway.
Chapter 6... my hopes were greatly exceeded, this chapter was fantastically terrifying and soul-crushing. I am not disappointed in the least.
ReplyDeleteThe first part with establishing the Society and Collegiate factions was also setting up a false sense of security. Security which cracked when Archie mentioned the two teams never coming back from upstairs, and absolutely shattered when they saw the first "PLAY" written in blood.
Everything from that first sign just keeps getting better and better (and by better, I mean utterly terrifying). Nurse Tenderheart's scratched out "I don't want to play anymore." was simple but really moving. Red-light Green-light... I was really afraid for Glory, and Blackjack's (and P-21 too to an extent) breakdown made it so much worse.
"I wanna be a unicorn. Can I be you?" Just... creepy.
The whole scene after Blackjack wakes up from the memory orb I simply lack words to describe. And then the singing after they shut the power down... if this story ever gets a TV Tropes page, them singing must go into the Crowning Moment of Sadness / Tearjerker entry.
@Damhoof
ReplyDeleteYou're right. He's just doing the best he can to lessen the suffering of others.
Actually she was suicidal, but she wasn't in a state to really act on it.
99's maxim is: Don't think about it.
Priest is hot, and in 99 if she wanted a male she could sign up and jump him... whether he wanted it or not.
She's not a nympho but she is a mare who's feeling just a bit frisky.
Actually by this chapter it's been around 8 days... but my math may be wonky.
Hmmm would -dashes- be better?
Any more I think would have been padding. My apologies.
I'm just glad I'm doing DJ PON-3 well.
She wasn't paying attention. If it's not red on her E.F.S. she might ignore it... unless it's shiny.
Her eyes make everything in the darkness an amber shade, whether she has glasses on or not. The glasses prevent her from being a long range target and freaking out others.
Oh that wasn't a plan; that was BJ being BJ.
Two weeks ago she was a happy mare in Stable 99 who would have killed for tapes of Midnight bumping flakes. Yeah... she's that sad.
Um, how would she take a hostage? She's acrophobic so she can't climb out there and get it. That means levitating it out... and since she's bad with orbs, it triggered it. Just like Morning Glory knew it would.
@Wavemaster: I am glad it's a good chapter. I thought of moving it later, but I wanted to hit BJ with it early on before she's had time to get used to all the shit the wasteland can dig up.
Is the Core of Hoofington a reference to a place in one of the FO games, or is it your own creation. If it is from a FO game, which one?
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeleteJust wondering, why do you double-space between sentences?
@Somber
ReplyDeleteBroken Horn? Do you mean Shattered Hoof?
@Somber
ReplyDeleteUrgh. How do I do it?
Somber, you didn't say a thing wrong. No friendly fire. Curse my natural self-depreciative tendencies.
I don't have a problem giving bad feedback because I think it'll discourage the writer. In another life, I was a writer. Hell in some circles I still am. Why I said all that is I know what a pain it can be to know your work is flawed but not have anybody point it out.
My problem is I've never said a bad word about anyone. I can't. It's not in my nature. Thanks to the million and one happy accidents of my upbringing I can't. Judgment is reserved on all comers until the very last possible second.
I'm not fussed in the slightest. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
Right. With that somewhat cleared up. On to chapter 12.
Parts I particularly liked...
The whole conversation with Priest. An excellent discussion on the right to choice in the wasteland. Brilliant set up for some of Blackjack's realizations later.
Blackjack's guardian angel. Oh-ho. It would be an angel of death wouldn't it. Whatever it is, I suspect that it's exactly what poor Blackjack doesn't want to know about. Initial suspicion falls on Lancer, he's crazy enough to mutilate enemies. He also, just from gut feeling, seems to have a sense of honour. Perhaps he's not ungrateful to Blackjack after all. Hell, he stuck with his cause, foolish as it may be. Maybe he's just loyal to a fault.
The trap with Virgo is so classically Blackjack it hurts. Blunder into the works and machinations of smarter ponies, destroy them all by accident and blunder out.
Ah Blackjack's realization that she was part of a conspiracy to oppress and rape the male populace of Stable 99. Well set up and played out, Blackjack's horrifying revelation that she has wronged P-21 so fundamentally is a beautiful, heart-wrenching thing to watch. Just one more thing she'll never never live down.
On that note, a more general "Well-done" is in order for addressing the "All males want sex all the time." misconception that plagues the media. It's completely ridiculous and difficult to address from any direction. So well done for setting up in such a way that you can and actually following through on it.
I like that you've got Blackjack latched onto the hoof prints of the Marauders. Fleshing Mac and co. out in the days leading up to his heroic sacrifice is an admirable goal and you're doing it with ease and skill.
It could just be me, but Mari Pony sounds like she ha something to do with Maripony Military base. There are no coincidences in the wasteland.
Finally, a bit more in the direction of GLory's Enclave agenda. I wonder if Blackjack's about to find herself press ganged into a mission to take on The Hoof.
Really good chapter overall. I can't wait for what happens next.
@Sebiale
ReplyDeleteIt's an old rule about formatting. Invented for the typewriter, it's dying out now.
@the story
Continues to be extremely well-written. That P-1 scene was fucked up - nicely done. I wish that poor bastard continued plot-driving misery.
I'm very tired. This'll probably look stupid in the morning. I mean, later today.
This is the best Fan Fic of a Fan Fic I've ever read and likely ever will.
ReplyDeleteSomber, I must say I'm impressed. As much as Kkat has managed to fuse Fallout and MLP to something unique, you've certainly managed to create your own niche of uniqueness within FO:E and fill out some of the empty spaces (I'm looking at you Big Mac).
ReplyDeleteBut there are certain details that you excel at and really add depth to the story. For instance, injuries certainly are more persistent than in either Fallout or FO:E. Ponies get hurt and stay hurt for quite a while. Blackjack keeping count of how many ponies she kills and watching the tally increase, and how it affects her. By contrast Littlepip happily keeps blasting away with no real longterm effect. Good stuff!
So far I have three favourite memorable parts in this story; the Hospital and aftermath of killing 40 foals, P-21's scene as P-1 (hot damn, gonna be real good when they meet up later!) and the drunken fighting in the museum.
These days I'm going to be checking EQ for updates to Project Horizons as often as I do for FO:E :)
@Somber
ReplyDeleteI still think BJs suicidal thoughts at that moment if she had pointed the gun on herself all she would do is get flashbacks to Scoodles dead corpse and somehow solve that part by herself.
A question: She is still "plugged for pleasure" am I right?
So what is stopping her from not reverting into stable 99 mannerisms?
How exactly did that part of her change? Did she always know it was wrong or did she simply decide it was after leaving the stable?
Heck even Deus reinforces the whole stable 99 thing considering what she saw him doing to the overmare.
-Dashes- would not make it better.
The use of () to explain something trivial like that just broke and will probably always break my suspension of belief regardless of the method you use.
I'm nitpicking at it so you will subconsciously think of not using it.
Why you put it there is perfectly understandable.
The whole thing is not very vital to the plot and you probably wanted to move forward with that rather than write those 20 sentences of her trading with Capfiend.
Their conversation and bartering could have made for a comic relief in several places.
You could even have written a small piece of BJ reflecting on that bartering while she practices her shooting on those radroaches and then bring it up again at later dates when she uses a rifle again.
Her small contribution to BJs world could have been a tad larger than what it is.
About the Two weeks subject. It just feels like it's been longer than that.
Especially after that second fight with Deus, I just expected that with travel and her being injured that we where closer to a month into the adventure.
2 weeks just felt wrong but that is because time and days become more fluid the less you mention it.
AIGHT. Time for me to wade in with my input, I guess. I'm already drowning in fics as is, but seeing Somber wrote this one I didn't really have much of a choice about reading it. So, you know Somber, thanks for that.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started this on Friday there were only 11 chapters, now I've just finished 12, and recently given up wading through the comments; just skipping over the last few, because I gotta comment sometime today, damn it.
I did have notepad open and I was writing my thoughts down as I encountered them, but that quickly devolved into rounding on Blackjack every time she pissed me off (which was a lot... god damn) because of something I got hung up on very early on, so I'll strip all that out and try to consolidate it into one imenetrable wall of text, then post any other thoughts that really stuck out (enough to distract me from how angry I was at Blackjack, so there won't be many) and finally list all the errors/niggly things I came across and then try to adequetely express why I'm still reading and eagerly anticipating chapter 13 when I make it frequently and abundantly clear that I'm not at all fond of the protagonist.
Epic-length post incoming in 3...2...1...
That chapter was excellently done. I now feel even worse for P-21 and empathise even more as to why he can't trust himself wth a gun. That scene was heart wrenching and very well done.
ReplyDeleteAnd Glory is still with the Enclave. I liked Glory, I really hope she doesn't take a page out of BJs book and happily go along with something evil.
Section Un: Le Protagoniste
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I feel like I need to echo what Anonymous said. I like the things BJ does but I hate BJ herself. With a passion. I get that she's a product of her upbringing, and I might have accepted her complicit actions in 99 as blind ignorance, but her reaction to Hoss' terminal entries was just jarring. Why didn't she question why he had a name instead of an incrementing code? Or that he seemed devoted to only one mare and apparently had a function outside just servicing her. Why wasn't she shocked at his apparent advanced age? Her expressing disbelief at this would echo nicely with Littlepip's reactions to instances un-stable-ness she found throughout the wasteland and other stables. As it is, it paints BJ as a mare that knows full well that stallions can have thoughts, dreams, and desires of their own, but that still goes quietly along with the unabashed evil of stable 99.
It's almost as if she thinks the stable 99 stallions are a different breed, somehow not-quite-ponies that it's okay to use and discard in accordance with whatever fucked-up laws stable 99 operated on. I could keep on referencing further examples - I've got a lot - but that's where things really went sour for me with Blackjack.
That said, however, I recognise she tries to do good, even if the air is knocked from my lungs by the weight of her hypocrisy when she decries slavery and all the other evils she had supported and even carried out herself during her time in 99, having been brought up to effectively be a slaver that washed and had better manners.
But much as I hate her, and though I may smile when horrible things happen to her, there is always that fluttering of hope when she goes against that old mantra and thinks about it, and starts to recognise just why P-21 isn't safe with firearms around her, though her flippant attitude towards Sekashi when she told her how the breeding queue worked made me want to reach in and throttle her again. Fortunately, she found that audio file later and is now walking around with the knowledge that she really wasn't just a passive participant all these years, she herself had actually raped him. Considering the angsting she's done over the mess of her other comparatively minor fuckups I can't imagine just how low she'll fall when the full, naked, terrible reality of what she's helped do to P-21 and the other bucks, and what she'd done to him personally, hits her.
Making her a dumbass was a master-stroke; a smarter pony should and would have realised what she was doing in the stable was unforgivable, but the thing with Blackjack is, she's just that stupid, she really didn't think about it. As it stands, I still hate her but once she finally realises what she's done and feels like giving her shotgun a blowjob over it, she's more than welcome to join that special place in my heart where Pip, Calamity, P-21 (yes, already), Nyx, Marco and all the other OCs I genuinely care about live.
Also, whatever I think of her personally, drunken, singing, ass-kicking Blackjack was deeply and unquestionably awesome.
I may not have caught a full description of Blackjack's appearance if it was in chapter 1, if there was send my a psychic headbutt for some of the following.
Section Deux: Grands Moments
ReplyDeleteChapter 2:
There was a soft chuckle - Wait a mo, isn't "Watcher's" speech synthesised? Unless he actually typed that... dammit, now I'm going to hear Microsoft Sam every time a sprite-bot talks.
Granny’s not doing too well since the funeral - Wow, really? Granny Smith was still knocking around even then. Cyberpony test subject, focus on longevity. Had to be. ...Okay, maybe not.
Giving myself a free pass here; salient to later points.
Then I’ll die, but I’m not taking it - P-21 is a far better pony than I. I would have taken that revolver and unloaded it into her cranium the second she wasn't looking.
Clearly there was far more bothering him than just his injured leg - GEE, YA FUCKING THINK?!
I know the basics... ...I mean that if I have a weapon I might kill you - And once again P-21 proves himself a better pony than me and flat-out states why. Fuck. Yes. Definitely starting to like this character now.
Okay. Elaborate for me? - And once again Blackjack reminds me why I hate her so much. Callous, murderous dumbass...
Chapter 3:
striped almost identical to mine, but pink and gray rather than black and red - A little late in the day for character descriptions, isn't it?
let the Finders worry about the coffee cups and stuff - Do I detect an Old World Blues reference?
Ghouls. And Tiara Diamond Tiara? Didn't she die at the prison? I felt terrible when I read what happened to her. If Silver Spoon's here... I wonder, will you make my heart ache for a pony that I should, by rights, feel nothing but contempt for? Time will tell.
Tiara? Is that you? I was braced for something worse than I got. Silver Spoon as a slightly deranged Glowing One. I can live with that.
I didn’t understand why he wasted his time with me - NOR. DO. I. (Sorry! I'm trying!)
He rounded on me, teeth bared as he glared with undisguised anger, - At last! Here we go.
Chapter 5:
...as he looked up the stairs with their narrow catwalks. What kind of pony designed places like this? Ha!
Beneath it my white hide was a roadmap of bruises - Okay, she's got a white coat, all we need to know now is what colour her eyes are and what her cutie mark is. A slave collar? A whip maybe?
Honestly, what was the deal? You round up a guy for summary execution and they never trust you again? - I want to kill something. (Not griping, just sayin')
Chapter 6:
Never have I been so happy to reach a parking lot - And how do you know what one of those is?
I really wanted to introduce somepony to Ms. Shotgun - But I thought you were okay with sticking needles in ponies? (I know I said I'd strip these out, but goddamn)
Chapter 7:
He reached out with his hoof and caressed me cheek - Caressed me cheek? Shiver me timbers...
Horseapples. I killed him because I never once asked the question: Is this right or wrong? I killed four other males in exactly the same way. I would have killed P-21 too if the Overmare hadn’t sold us out - AT FUCKING LAST. (exempt; I'm expressing relief, not rounding on her)
Chapter 8:
I liked seeing my ace and queen of spades - Now all we need is her eye colour and we're set.
Section Trois: Les Erreurs
ReplyDeleteOkay, maybe not errors per se (that's one of em though!) Just a few sentences that read wierd or where you might have forgotten to clean up properly after rewriting something.
Chapter 2:
Long-in time out - Long-in? Was that supposed to be log-in?
The plinking of the piano and twang of banjo filling the night preludes the sprite-bot’s arrival. - Starting to slip between tenses a bit there.
Chapter 3:
I did my best not to shutter - I think you probably mean shudder here, unless you mean she's closing some small doors on something.
That sounded just a little suicidal to be - Guessing you meant to say "me" here.
Hoofington as a city with different vaults all around it - Silly pony. That's not how you spell "stables".
Chapter 4:
gently gripped the doorhandle with my magic, and slowly turned the it - Guessing you didn't mean to leave a definite article in here.
Chapter 5:
later she shuttered as her breathing deepened - Again, I'm guessing Glory isn't closing small doors.
I’m going to clear the lab and see if I get find the mainframe - Guessing "can" should replace "get" here.
Chapter 6:
He struggled for several minute as the music box looped over and over again - minutes
Glory glanced at the body, shuttered and looked away - There are those little doors again.
Chapter 8:
They’re dragons,” Alagio said lazily as he lay down next to the rose colored colt - Who's talking here? Allegro or Adagio?
Luck kept me from being bitten it two as it spasmed - in two?
It lifted up, clawed at the wound, then gave one last shutter and collapsed - Little doors!
Chapter 9:
“Oh,” she said delicately, eyes wide in shock as she laid her eyes on Lance - Truncating names already, are we?
The other three peeled out of their hiding placed to follow her - "places", or alternately: the other three peeled out of hiding; placed to follow her.
It wasn’t a town, per ce. I couldn’t see ponies raising families here - Per ce? That's a new one, sounds Spanish. Should be per se.
But I settled in I felt more relaxed than I had in days - This sentence reads weird. Needs to be "But once I settled in I..." or something to that effect.
and thus being prevented from ever discovering the function of the illusive button - I'm not sure illusive is exactly the right word here.
...as soon as her guns past my host’s tail - passed
Glory had been seeing to the injured zebras. More the pity - More's
stopped her friend from becoming a equincidal maniac - Just a suggestion, I don't think any of these are actually words, but equicide or equinicide trip off the tongue better, and I've seen equicide used in a few other places.
I probably would have been honored to push the nice read button - red button.
If I hadn’t gone for a swim, I’ve ended up a dusty ghoulie - I'd have.
Chapter 12:
then moved into the house on atop the hole - "on top of the hole" or "atop the hole", reads like you're saying "on on top of the hole" otherwise.
the practice of sighting and leading was a new to me - "was a new one" or "was new"
Two weeks ago I’d killed for this file - "I'd have killed", unless she actually did... but I said I wasn't going into that again.
Section Cinq: en conclusion
ReplyDeleteNow, I hate your main character, "So why are you still here?" I hear you ask? Should be obvious by now, but you spin a damn fine yarn, Somber. Stable 99 is the same kind of place as Andale or the White Glove Society in that I could stumble across 99 during a playthrough, discover what the place was all about and then promptly take a super sledge to all but the foals and males with a glad heart and a song on my lips, sure in the knowledge that I was doing the wasteland, nay, the world a favour and that is where our protagonist grew up. Not only that, but she had a full, active part of the evil therein.
Still, as much as I want to, I can't call her evil, I can't call her a monster. She was a stupid, callous, murdering rapist before she even got out of the stable, yes, but that was a product of her poisonous environment and as she's starting (taking her sweet time about it, mind) to grasp the depth of the evil she's wrought, I find myself itching for the next time she pisses P-21 off or when the subject of the breeding queue comes up or just when she's got some quiet time alone to herself (...and doesn't feel like spending that time clopping herself off. Ahem.) so she can work that little atrophied lump of snot she calls a brain and actually thinks about it. I hate her right now, but dammit, I care about her too.
Of course, it's not just her; I'm here just as much for the others too. I particularly admire P-21. To maintain such control over what must be an unfathomable pit of boiling black rage and offer even the most basic courtesy to BJ after what she's done, much less the overt care he shows for her
on occasion... as I stated in my thoughts about chapter 3, he is without a doubt, a far better pony than I; I'd have just ended the best hope I had for survival in a blaze of vengeance and hatred.
For what it's worth, I think having him straight would be more interesting, as echoed by several posters above me. I can think of no surer victory for him over 99 and the horrors he endured there than finding a mare he genuinely loves enough to force him to properly exorcise the demons of his past.
I realise I haven't commented much about what's actually going on outside of what's happening with Blackjack, but as I said, I read everything in one go and she kinda occupied my thoughts somewhat. I promise I'll do better next time.
Right, here I am at the end at last. My goodness, I really didn't intend to write this much, but you said you liked feedback Somber, so stick this in your pipe and smoke it!
Though you really shouldn't; I mean, given it's volume it would present quite the fire hazard, aside from being ruinous to your health.
@Bronode
ReplyDeleteWell poop. It didn't post my reply! That's annoying. Sigh. Well first of all thank you for noting all my typos so I could fix them all. Hinds and I do the best we can but they get by. Neither of us are the more grammatically inclined.
Next concern... BJ. ::Cries:: I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorrrrieeee...
One of the things Kkat can do that I will forever envy is organize. My characters, however, look at my attempts to define them and give me the middle finger. They change on me. And as stable 99's become more and more impacting, it's also become more apparent that BJ's got some issues. As first I'd hoped to gloss it over... she didn't do it herself... but she's changed and I've realized it's not something I can skip. She's got to face it... and she is going to suffer when she does.
LilPip had it so easy... sigh...
The denial is falling apart. And when it does I don't know how it'll break her. I don't know if she'll kill P-21 or let herself be killed by him. Kill herself. I just don't know. I think I have my characters nailed down and then they give me the finger and do what the do. I can just hope I can herd them towards the ending I have in mind.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteDoes BJ realise its something she cant skip? or is that the author speaking.
She seems to be doing mighty fine as it is by not thinking about it.
@Damhoof
ReplyDeleteIt would be pretty lousy writing if I didn't. (though my writing is pretty lousy anyway) Denial doesn't work forever though, and even though she's an idiot, she still wants to be good. She has to face what she did.
Just read Chapter 6... Only time I've ever begun to tear up reading a story...
ReplyDelete@ Somber
ReplyDeleteWell I think I may have missed quite a few debates in the comments.
Just letting you know I'm still around, and planning on reading the rest of this story one of these days and giving good feedback.
But.. the point of this comment was for me to say, if you end this by killing all of the main characters, then I'll think to myself Mainly because
1. They're not popular enough to kill and have everybody be satisfied with an end.
2. If you do kill them, I think it would be like throwing a lot of work into the waste bin.
3. They're too popular for me to glance over after they do die.. It would be like having to run a race with a twisted ankle as I read other fallout fanfictions, or FO:E if there are still updates coming from it.
Just my two cents.
Woah, hold up it omitted my thought.. "dammit what a good waste of character development" friggin blogger..
ReplyDeleteSo I recorded some feedback on Chapters 11 and 12. If any of you saw my Chapter 36 feedback for FO:E then this will be all familiar to ya.
ReplyDeleteHopefully Somber finds this useful in some way, Link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6UgExyuoM4&list=PLBDA4F9D10B1A9BD9
Chapter 7:
ReplyDeletePerhaps it's the wrong word to use for the situation, but I absolutely love how you handle Blackjack's breakdown. I found everything - from her begging P-21 to kill her between normal lines at the end of the first section, to her counting off her kills while going completely insane - it was all just magnificently done.
For the brief period where Blackjack was playing cards and actually happy, I was crying tears of joy for her.
I laughed at "Hey! Toilets are that way! Don't be pissing on the merchandise!" - and Blackjack's drunk fight with Deus would only have been more amusing had the situation been less dire.
Chapter 8:
I'd actually been wondering about Blackjack's magic potential for the past day or two before reading this chapter (specifically thinking about just how terrifying a broken, crazy Blackjack with the alicorn heart-attack spell would be), and was quite interested to see it addressed.
Blackjack being interrogated by her mom was... a really immensely sad thought.
And I agree with Blackjack, I smiled and choked up at the Crusader patch too.
I think the crusaders just put to words something last chapter really nailed home - unicorns can be completely unfair fighters.
P-21 stepping up with explosives was pretty awesome, though I wonder if the first time he has to blow up a pony he'll be back to apologizing to them, like in the school.
The fight against the dragon was nicely done, and felt properly epic for fighting a dragon - and I love Blackjack getting the sunglasses, totally necessary for Security.
But that nightmare... I think I have nothing but tears left to say.
Just a quick thought on BJ's denial problem. Denial is like alcohol. It can be really helpful in keeping you going in a fight, however one of 2 things is always going to happen. (1) your going to drink yourself to death and have know idea how it happened or (2) your going to wake up and have one hell of a hangover to pay for it not to mention anything you fucked up while drunk.
ReplyDeleteOMG 'NOTHER UPDATE APPEARS!
ReplyDeleteAnd I though I was getting sleep tonight...
THOUGHT! I MEANT THOUGHT CELESTIA DAMNIT!
ReplyDeleteA couple of oopsies I spotted reading part 13:
ReplyDelete"The loss Big Macintosh has been a"
should be
"The loss OF Big Macintosh has been a"
"There. Inside.” I said after transferring the Enclave pistol back into my hands."
Hands? Oops! Brain defaulted back to human mode. I have that problem too.
I'm really getting into this story.
Excellent story just as good as the original Fallout Equestria. Can't wait for more chapters the last few have been particularly epic.
ReplyDeleteOh god Glory... I can only assume they got both of her cutie marks before BJ intervened?
ReplyDeleteThat must be like having a part of your soul burned off.
I liked the special bullet. do you want to fire y/n?
In case you decide to aim at something a hundred yards away or closer...
Now the whole team is mentally messed up. Glory was betrayed about as badly as you possibly can in addition to the problems the other two have with them. Looking forwards to the reunion of Blackjack and P-21 although no doubt it will be extremely painful.
I also noticed the hands in there. Oops
Project Horizons updated again. Dammit Sober, Y U NO LET ME HAVE A LIFE?
ReplyDeleteMock complaints aside, I'm delighted a(nother) fic that that's hooked me so thoroughly seems to be updating with such regularity. First things first though, don't apologise for writing Blackjack the way she is, she might not exactly be my favorite pony, but she's compelling. There's kernels of greatness in there that I want to see blossom, I want to see the balefire when it all comes out between her and P-21 and I want to imagine they can both come out come out of the flames stronger and better for it... Though maybe with more bullet wounds than they went in with.
I'll say it again, though she irritates the crap out of me sometimes, I care about Blackjack and I want to see her do better. Writing a nice, good protagonist that might get darker later is easy, writing a neutral one is simple, if a little boring, but writing one that makes me want to unload whatever weapon I might have to hand into her face, reload and then do it again one moment but fear for her safety and mental health the next, gradually hoping more and more that things will turn out... there really isn't any such thing as "all right" in the wasteland, is there? Still that I find myself hoping for the best for her is... I'm not quite sure how to put into words what kind of talent that takes. I know I sure as hell couldn't pull it off.
Okay, without further ado, I'mma start riffin' on 13. I'll try and keep this brief.
Cool, calm, collected and evidently in control. What's your game, Morning Glory?
Unicorns in the enclave? Now this is interesting.
Oh. Okay, so these are volunteer corps?
Lighthooves and Minty Fresh both looked quite pleased by this turn of events - Why am I filled with such a sense of foreboding and dread?
Oh, and the unreasonably helpful offer of a squad of Enclave soldiers too. I smell a backstab.
Ha. Wondered who'd introduce Vertibirds first.
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Watch your back, Blackjack, you silly pony.
Oh. There actually are raiders. Fuck, this is tense.
Maybe not... oh, holy shit. What Glory said's coming back to me now. They weaponised it didn't they? A bioweapon to turn normal ponies into raiders. This is a field test, isn't it? This is all kinds of fucked up.
Lots of food and fresh produce. This is what they're going to do, isn't it? Hand out contaminated food to fully infect the surface with the raider contagion, let it rip itself apart and move in when only corpses remain.
“Want one?” - Holy fuck, Blackjack, just say no!
Just keep humming, BJ, I've noticed it tends to help your body count.
Hmm, maybe you earned an ally there, maybe you'll just have to kill her later. Time will tell.
I knew it. I fucking knew it. Even retrieving the test samples. Fuckers. Still, Wind Whisper might be salvageable.
So Minty can put words in ponies' mouths? Best keep him the fuck away when you finally meet up with P-21
Can you trust them, Glory? Still so naïve...
So, it would seem Wind Whisper has some semblence of a conscience.
Or perhaps she doesn't know? I hadn't considered that.
Silver Bullet, eh? Guess that's what's going to finish Deus off then.
Lancer again? Now there is a zebra that needs to get slotted.
Lube up. Nice.
They're testing on Dashites? And amputating her wings? Blackjack needs to shove her shotgun so far up that operatives ass that it knocks his teeth out.
Minty? Slot him BJ, now. Break off his horn and shove it down his throat.
Okay, Lighthooves' offer of a job made me chuckle a bit.
I couldn't even comment through that. Blackjack exploding a soldier's head with her mind was too amazing for words and then what happened to Glory. Pony paste. Righteous.
Guh. Another multi-post. So much for brevity. Still if it helps keep you writing, it's all good, right?
ReplyDelete'Nother great chapter, Somber! Shit really hit the fan in this one. Oh, sweet Celestia Glory! She... I... That hurt man. That cut me deep, bro... hooooh. Not just what the Enclave did to her, but what she must have seen, heard, smelled, felt, sweet mercy... even tasted when BJ was out of her mind on chems and making some righteous pony purée. Guess our party's really turning into a regular dysfunction junction, huh?
I definitely liked BJ a lot more in this chapter, I guess it's because she's away from P-21 so she doesn't have as much opportunity to show of the diseased parts of her psyche that anger me so. Becoming the consummate badass she is helps in no small part as well. If I were that recently un-wonderglued pony that saw Blackjack pull some straight-up Scanners shit on the guy next to me I'm pretty sure I'd lose control of my bladder too, though she does seem to be getting a little... dark. I mean it got results, but seriously; dat interrogation method. Don't get me wrong, the filth deserved it, but still. Damn, amigo. I have to wonder what P-21 would have said about that.
On the subject of P-21; I'm worried. He was carried off and is with U-21 now as I understand. I don't want to consider it, but part of me is wondering if U-21 could be getting inside his head and eroding the control he has over his rage in an attempt to turn it full force on Blackjack, after all, U-21's the only other pony in the wasteland who really knew what it was like in 99 and unlike Blackjack, he was on the receiving end.
So, judging by recent performance 14's gonna be up sometime tomorrow, right? Right?! Good. Can't freakin' wait!
More errors/oddities caught:
When we were forced, regrettably, to for out own protection - our
My claw cleanly decapitated the front running flily - filly
They didn’t let me wander just anywhere, but I no long had one or two - longer
stomping my hooves we filed out of the break room - "my hooves as we" or "my hooves, we"
I sighed and closed my head - 0_o did you really mean to type "close" there?
Firstly dude... I am loving your work but 3-4 chapters in just as many days o_0, dont burn yourself out on this. You are more of a beast than kkat.(not that any of this is complaning just consern).
ReplyDeletethat said. great chapter. I have read it and will wright a review but i got to get up in a little bit and need some shut eye. keep up the great work!
5-star, huh.... How close is the rating to 6-star?
ReplyDeleteSo apparently BJ has pinkie sense, or atleast her mane can tell her who she should interrogate.
ReplyDeleteI hope she will be feeling some sweet aftereffects from consuming that coctail of drugs. Who knows maybe she will dream of the pegasi she turned into paste. What freaked me out was the way she ended up taking them.
It is like she did not consider another option or limit herself to just stampede or just dash.
BJ with only Morning Glory turned into this trusting, naive, casually exploring, holds back all her instincts nursemaid. xD
Thats just about the worst outcome possible though once the badguys where reveled she was the den mother protecting her cub.
I can picture that interview with DJPON3... "she.. she.. just looked at him and his head exploded!"
ReplyDelete“Bang,” I rasped before I fell on my face with a groan.
ReplyDeleteThat line reminds me of the ending of Cowboy Bebop!
Saw the testing on the farm ponies coming.
ReplyDeleteI love that gun, I hope she gets more ammo for it.
I also sincerely hope BJ. gets the chance to destroy Lighthooves, not even necessarily kill, I just want to see Lighthooves messed the f$%^ up, by anypony.
I also get the impression that BJ has some sort of interesting ancestry that allows her to use the gun and open its ammo cases.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of Trottenhiemer's Folly, I didn't get who G.B. was in the messages. Is it someone from the show, or another OC?
That's it, after reading Chapter 13 I'm gonna make myself to doing one of the "Let's Read" commentaries for the next chapter when it goes up. I'm fairly bad at substantial comments after the fact, and this latest chapter especially deserves numerous big walls of text (that I'm not good enough to write). Mostly, though, if I had been typping a commentary as I read, I would have captured the FREAKING EXTREME CRAZY SCARY AWESOME oh jeez. Absolutely everything about the description of that super-weapon is 200000% cooler than I could have possibly hoped for. Now that I've read it, I'm not sure I could dissect it like I could have. I can't let something even remotely that amazing pass by again.
ReplyDeleteHow to describe the shock and awe that Somber leaves me in after every chapter. Its like shooting JETT the very time slows and reality melts around me as im thrown inside a barren wasteland wondering where hell I am and why Then BAM! blackjack makes me drop of my chair in laghter cry like a infant and daww so hard me heart stops for a second. Thanks Somber and please oh please keep up the good work (=
ReplyDeleteARRRGHHHH.
ReplyDeleteI have to apologise, Somber. I had a huge feedback written out here and the browser crashed when I posted it. GOD DAMN IT.
I will try and perhaps rewrite it later man. I do apologise, but I won't let it go unsaid, be it tonight or tomorrow to rewrite it all. I really respect you and Kkat for encouraging criticism and feedback, it would feel wrong of me to not offer that when asked. So I WILL get around to getting it up.
once again Somber proves how awesome he is. Hope this story lasts forever. also there needs to be some connection from Black jack to lil pipp hopefully through the radio commenting on their achievements
ReplyDelete