The Equestrian Inquirer Issue #1

Joe Stevens used to write a column called "The Gravy Inquirer".  Much like everyone else in the fandom though, he has been struck by the pony bug and wants to contribute by creating these tabloid style pony news articles every Monday. 

After the break, you can find the first issue! If all goes well, hopefully we will see more in the future.

(Also A Google Docs Version with Better Formatting Here)

Issue #1
From the people who brought you the Gravy Inquirer, we present…

EQUESTRIA INQUIRER
Joe Stevens, editor

RAINBOW DASH LABELED A
WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION
By Joe Stevens

In news that’s sure to shock the peace-loving ponies of Equestria, beloved pony Rainbow
Dash of Ponyville has been classified a Weapon of Mass Destruction by the Equestrian Armed
Forces. While most residents of Ponyville have gotten used to the blown-out windows, torn
off shingles and various other near-daily, albeit relatively tame, damage Rainbow’s flying has
caused, no one save Pinkie Pie would label Rainbow as a weapon equivalent to the destructive
energy of a thermonuclear blast. But that was just a joke Pinkie said at a party one time.

It seems that the maneuver Rainbow Dash employs called the “Sonic Rainboom” causes
a tremendous release of energy. Used in the wrong hands, this awe-inspiring trick that makes one
see the true joy and beauty of life holds the power of five thousand tons of TNT.

“We all know the seriousness of these charges and I assure you, Rainbow Dash uses her
powers in only the most responsible manner,” Ponyville resident Twilight Sparkle was quoted.
In an interview with the EI (Equestria Inquirer) Twilight told us of Rainbow’s love for all ponies
and respect for her powers. Of course a moment after saying this Rainbow crashed through her
window, but this was labeled an isolated incident.

No word has been said of what the Equestrian Armed Forces will do now that one of its
residents is a walking/flying apocalyptic device. In a prepared statement, Princess Celestia has
assured all ponies of her commitment to their protection.

When asked her feelings on the matter, Rainbow Dash told us, “That’s awesome!” She
has since been seen wearing a saddle with a radioactive logo stitched into it and won’t stop
bragging about it.

PINKIE PIE THROWS HER ELEVENTY BILLIONTH PARTY
By Freddie Baxter

A great day of celebration was made in the home of Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie as the
pony celebrated what she referred to as her “eleventy billionth party.” The record-setting number
of celebrations has had many ponies scratching their heads and curiously looking over their
punch and cupcakes and wondering what exactly was going on.

Party record keepers were on hand for the event to mark the extraordinarily high
number. “This certainly beats the previous record of two hundred and fifty six,” quoted official
party records keeper Pin Yatta, “But um…” Pin then trailed off and munched a cupcake.

Pinkie Pie could not be reached for comment as she had a feather-lined mask on and kept
playing her bagpipes and shoving cupcakes into our mouths. Apparently when Twilight Sparkle
informed Pinkie that eleventy billion is not an actual number, Pinkie Pie took a chalkboard out of

her bagpipes (how it got there we’ll never know) and proceeded to explain in the highest
mathematical calculations that not only was eleventy billion an actual number but was principle
to the quantum functions of nearly all elements both physical and theoretical.

At a loss for words, everyone decided to just have a few more cupcakes and drop the
question. The record has been left undisputed.

GUMSHOE’S CORNER
(E.I. Muckraker Section)

SPIKE CHARGED WITH ILLEGAL FILE-SHARING
By Gumshoe

In a long-awaited Equestria Supreme Court decision, the dragon known as Spike has
been charged with illegally distributing copyrighted material. This comes as no surprise to the
Equestrian record industry, who claim that they’ve seen revenues dwindle each time Spike opens
his mouth to roar. “I’m not doing anything wrong!” claims Spike in a statement released near his
adviser Twilight Sparkle before she told him to be quiet.

Apparently Spike would find a book in the Ponyville library, a compact disc, a hard
drive, a Manehattan-made Baby Grand Piano constructed at the legendary Steinneigh & Sons,
Inc, and set it on fire. The magical dragon’s roar would then transport the item to another dragon,
who would copy it and roar on it in turn, returning the item to its original owner or passing it on
to a new one. Twilight has refused to answer questions regarding the quantity of copyrighted
material Spike has shared in this method, however our Unreliable Sources once heard Spike
bragging that it had been “three libraries worth.”

The process of sharing items between ponies via dragon’s fiery roars, or roarenting, has
become so widespread that record executives fear roarenting will soon surpass traditional record
sales. “These roarents must be stopped,” quoted Notorious PO-NY, a well-known music
personality who has seen his own music roarented countless times.

Defenders of roarenting have claimed that it falls under the Horse Amendment Right of
free speech and that it is simply a magical way of sharing interesting music, books, well-made
pianos with friends.

In response to court rulings, many dragons are launching new ways of working with the
music industry to charge for the service. In a bold move, Sweet Apple Acres has launched a
dragon-based music store they call FiRE-TUNES. They’ve even developed a portable way of
carrying your roarented items called a FiRE-CART. It’s basically a cart. And it doesn’t really
work.

EQUESTRIA BUSINESS

SWEET APPLE ACRES ISSUES RECALL
By A Highly Underpaid Intern

Sweet Apple Acres has issued a mandatory recall for all neon blue apples produced in
their orchard between the months of January 2011 and present day. While the apple orchard has
yet to come forward with a direct reason for the recall, EI’s Unreliable Sources have confirmed that it is probably due to the fact that the apples are neon blue.

“How in tarnation did that happen?” Sweet Apple Acres family employee Apple Jack
was quoted as saying, “I saw them apples on the tree just this mornin’. They was red then and
now look at ‘em.”

Ponies are cautioned not to consume neon blue apples. They can give you a very bad
tummy ache and might have worms in them. Neon purple apples, however, remain perfectly safe.

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About the Equestria Inquirer
The Equestria Inquirer was founded to uncover the secret happenings of Equestria and
show them to the world. Our continuing mission is to reveal the truth behind the tales, and tails,
and find out what REALLY goes on in the lives of ponies.

If you enjoyed the Equestria Inquirer, please write Joe Stevens at [email protected]
with your comments and feedback. We also accept freelance stories. Simply write Freelance in
the subject line of an email and you might see your article in next week’s Equestria Inquirer.