[Comedy][Adventure] Vamponies?! I don't even!
Author: Tumbleweed
Description: Who is the mysterious Count Fetlock? What does he want in Ponyville? And, most importantly, can Twilight Sparkle find out before it's too late for Fluttershy?
Vamp it Up! (New Complete!)
Additional tags: Books, Cheap Puns, Vamponies.
24 comments:
Vampires and comedy? Let's see...
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteNo!
ReplyDeleteNot Fluttershy!
*Reads*
Zecora lesson about vampires coming up I reckon.
ReplyDeleteInteresting so far. I don't find it particularly funny yet, but its written well enough.
There's actually a better picture that would go with this Fic it's a Sketch of Fluttershy Biting Rarity
ReplyDeletehttp://ponibooru.413chan.net/post/view/31930?search=Rarity
Thank goodness it wasn't a Twilight crossover. (the book, not the pony)
ReplyDelete*disaster averted*
This is such a good story! Humorous and well-characterized. Too bad it's so short! All I can hope for is that this is not the end. I would be most sad if that was the case. :(
ReplyDelete*Nosebleed*
ReplyDeleteAaaAaAaahh...
That's hot.
And it's hard to convince me to think of Fluttershy as "Hot" without logical reasoning.
VampyFluttershy...
Oh, no! Sweet little Fluttershy has joined the ranks of the eternally damned!
ReplyDelete...
Okay, who's got the stake?
Idea originated from the OMG8332 Roleplay.
ReplyDeleteOMG8332 Roleplay did it before it was cool *hipster*
ReplyDeleteHaha, I like this story.
ReplyDeleteI like that the idea is played up for laughs instead of trying to be super serious.
I saw this earlier and shoved it into my "to read" tabs (I have around 60 tabs bytheway)Now I'm going to read it cuz of the 5s.
ReplyDeleteSo much to read O.o
Ha ha, oh, Dracula, you blooksucking parasite, when I get my paws on you, I'm gonna laugh so hard when I kill you to death. ^_^
ReplyDeleteProceed...
ReplyDeleteWARNING. THIS COMMENT CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!
ReplyDeleteHmmm... okay, well for the most part I like it. and for the most part it's really good. There's a nice sense of pacing, development, atmosphere and so forth, so you do well most of the things I like to harp on in these "long-comment-anon-reviews."
There are a couple criticisms I could make. For one thing, the dialogue gets a little... clunky in places. If feels like some things are being forced at times, but that's only on occasion. For the most part it works well.
But there IS one relatively large criticism I should make. Let me talk for a minute about tone. Tone is when you have a horror story and the events are lined up just right for you to be stuck in a state of tension and dread. Tone is when you have a tragedy and everything lines up for you to be bawling your eyes out. Tone is when you have a comedy and what would generally only be moderately funny jokes are set up in such a way to have you laughing hysterically.
THe tone of this story is a little... jumbled.
Let's put it this way. The other vampony story that recently came up, Creature of the Night, which saw Rarity becoming a vampire, was brilliantly toned. It slowly built up a sense of suspense until when the climactic moment when she bit Twilight came around it was all the more horrifying. It should be mentioned, however, that despite the fact that that WASN'T a comedy story, there were in fact funny comedic moments.
Now I understand you're going for a lighter take in this story, but it suffers from really jarring tonal shifts. One second there's a big nasty Vampony at the door. The next, sudden Pop-Culture Twilight reference! Then suddenly, Fluttershy's been bitten! Oh Noes! But we leave this behind and go on to talk about bunnies making love and jokes about Fluttershy's house almost burning down. Then out of nowhere, FLUTTERSHY BITES SPIKE!! But it's okay. He's fine and up and joking about hickeys.
Do you see what I'm getting at? There's no really decent tone for the story set here. It hops back and forth between suspense, drama, and horror and those parody movies like Scary Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Epic Movie.
The result is something very forced feeling. If you want my advice, try finding jokes that are lighthearted, though not quite as "in your face." Slip them in at points where it makes sense in context, while remaining true to your story and building up suspense around Fluttershy. It can be difficult, but it'll set forth a tone that will be simultaneously funny and serious, and it'll be totally worth it. :)
As it is now, four stars. Despite the jarring tone points it really is a really good story :)
Oh, this is neat
ReplyDelete@the Verbiose Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts! I'm a sucker for critique (read: attention), and you've given me some really interesting stuff to gnaw on.
You're probably right about some of the dialogue, as I have a terrible habit of cludging in dialogue to get the story from one funny bit to another.
And as for tone, you wound me, sir. I'm at least shooting for Mel Brooks shameless, as opposed to Scary/Epic/Whatever Movie shameless. There's a difference, y'know. :) But it's definitely something I'll keep in mind! (And, uh, I may or may not actually implement). I really got the story as an idea off of the cheap 'vampony' pun, and the rest stems from there.
But thanks to all you guys for reading! I hope you enjoy the conclusion (once I get around to finishing it. Soon, I hope!).
very lulzy and laurell k definitely has a lot to answer for XD interested in seeing more. luck writing zecora's stuff.
ReplyDeleteShort and sweet.
ReplyDeleteheh...marewolves.
ReplyDeleteAside from what the verbose Anonymous said, I just have a couple things to add.
ReplyDelete1) That ending kind of came out of nowhere, and was a little silly and seemed to me a little too deus ex machina even for a comedy story. As a short story, though, I can forgive the abrupt pacing. What I cannot forgive is
2) Count Fetlock did not introduce himself with a backwards version of his real name (as Alucard is to Dracula). Tumbleweed, I am disappoint.
That was hilarious, top stuff.
ReplyDeleteHaha, that was awesome! I especially liked that last line. XD Only real problems I saw was some of the earlier dialogue felt a bit awkward. Also, perhaps you could explain Fluttershy's vampire fantasy a bit better in the story? At any rate, it was a hilarious read. Quite funny.
ReplyDelete