[Grimdark][Adventure] "An alternate universe fic that ISN'T Twilight's fault? Is that even allowed?" -- Prereader #617.4 and a half.
Author: BornIn1142
Description: Twilight Sparkle, Celestia and Luna are transported into a strange alternate Equestria, the Land of Always Summer, where the day lasts forever and a terrible queen rules with an iron hoof.
Sunshine and Fire (All Links)(New Part 16!)
Sunshine and Fire (Alt)
Additional Tags: Long, Daymare Sun, alternate universe, Elements of Harmony
91 kommentaari:
Prereader #617.4 and a half? Silly foal.
VastaKustutaSo, is that prereader #617.9 or #617.45?
VastaKustutaThat should be the frequency of an ED radio station.
VastaKustutaOh snap!
VastaKustuta...By the way, I noticed that Applejack and Rainbow Dash seemed really wordy in their dialogue. Kinda threw me off.
BornIn1142. Deus Ex. Ye-e-e-es.
VastaKustutaShy Ranger, no-o-o-o-o... How can this be? Is the internet really so small? O_O
VastaKustuta:O lol.
VastaKustuta"I just dont like your face."
You have my attention, sir. You did a nice job of building up to the betrayal without making it too obvious, which is a difficult line to walk. This is a great premise, and I'm excited to see what happens next.
VastaKustutaThis looks promising so far, though I'd be interested in knowing more about Brainy Smur...*ahem!*...Bright's motivations for rebelling against Princess Celestia. Can't wait to see the next chapter!
VastaKustutaVery interesting so far! There are a few awkward phrases here and there, but nothing too distracting. I'd like to see where it goes from here!
VastaKustuta5 stars, any hints as to when part 2 will be released?
VastaKustutaA fabulous start, I can't wait for more.
VastaKustutaI'd like to move that all Tyrant!Celestia fics be given the [GrimLight] tag instead of [Grimdark], since Secret Tub Fun has it and it's a really lonely tag right now.
VastaKustuta@reynard61
VastaKustutaseems he wants a democracy not a fifedom.
I think that it really ought to be "lay" not "lied" (and possibly also "shone" not "shined"), but other than that I enjoyed this; I look forward to the next update.
VastaKustutaWell, it's started off well (but then I'm biased in favor of world-jumping stories), and I'm eager to see what else happens with it.
VastaKustuta~Ardashir
Thanks for saying stuff!
VastaKustuta@reynard61
Brainy Bright's motivations will be explored at length, um, eventually. It may be a while until it comes to that.
@Anonymous
Regarding the next chapter, it'll probably be a matter of weeks rather than days.
@Anonymous
Hmmm, I'm afraid you're probably right about those spellings.
I enjoyed reading this.
VastaKustutaFor chapter 2, just wanted to point out - if the air is as dry as Twilight thinks, then while she would be sweating buckets, the sweat would NOT be dripping off of her - it would evaporate almost immediately. That would give her SOME relief from the heat, but not a lot . . the dehydration, as mentioned in the story, would be a real killer.
VastaKustutaOther than that, though, I really enjoyed the chapter and I want to see what happens next @.@
@Robin
VastaKustutaA fair point. The idea of doing actual research never even entered my mind for some reason. Foolish of me. But thanks for mentioning it.
A little point on the last scene...it seems to me that, unless the leader of the rebels is known to everyone, you'll probably not be divulging the name of said leader to just anyone, especially to someone who bears a strong resemblance to the worst enemy of said leader of rebels.
VastaKustutaI understand the reasoning plot-wise, you want TS to meet the rebels, but it's just a bit too illogical and breaks suspension of disbelief.
The text mentions that Applejack is an outlaw. Her involvement with the rebels is a matter of public record. Taking Twilight TO them is risky in itself, but you'll notice Glint being quite hesitant about it. The idea there was to give the impression of intense scrutiny. He's not just going to throw Applejack in her lap, but he suspects she could be a valuable asset.
VastaKustutaVery nice; I look forward to the next chapter.
VastaKustutaThis needs to get an update! This story is great so far.
VastaKustutaAlso, I am glad to not be bothered by little technical details. I correct them in my head on the fly and move on with the story. I actually enjoy the stories on this site without letting these fallen trees block my view of the whole forest.
Keep up the good work, and let's see where this story goes!
I can't be the only one who even after reading the description somewhat expected a Song of Ice and Fire crossover.
VastaKustutaSo far so good, but too early for me to call judgement yet ^^;;
VastaKustutaKeep it up!
This is pretty damn great!
VastaKustutaPersonally, I can't wait to see the meeting between the Queen Celestia and Princess Trollestia. More particularly, I can't wait to see the latter trolling the former into a screaming rage. :P
VastaKustuta@Scribejay
VastaKustutaAs a matter of fact, I conceived this story on my reread of ASoIaF in preparation for the release of Dance. I always thought "the Land of Always Winter" sounded damn cool. I'm aiming for a generally similar sort of complex epic fantasy - though without being so dark. I actually asked for the [Grimdark] label to be removed, but...
There's also a smidgeon of Mistborn thrown in.
This story is fantastic, it has a lot of potential. I love these kind of what-if alternate reality stories. I always look forward to when a new chapter comes out, no matter how short or infrequent they are.
VastaKustutaI like how smoothly you transition to and from the various points of view, it isn't as jarring as it could have been. Though I do want to see more of Celestia and Luna.
"She hadn't realized there was someone in the tent besides them. It took him a second to pick that someone out of the shadows."
VastaKustutaFirst of all, do you mean somepony? Second of all, did Twilight just get a sex change between sentences? ;-P
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@Nulono
VastaKustutaI use "someone/anyone" a couple of times, as a more general substitute. In this case, Twilight doesn't immediately know the person there is a pony, so "somepony" isn't quite applicable.
As for the gender pronoun... I got nothing.
I'm sure there's more substantial criticisms to be made of the story than that.
Wonderful! I give it a 9 out of 10! but I would like to know more about Luna seeing how the moon no longer exists and is a part of her and as well as Celestia and her plans.
VastaKustutaThough i have to admit wanting know all these things just shows how much i want to read more about your story here xD
Stories like this tend to get a bit dull after a few chapters (at least for me). Though I think you did a great job with chapter 4! I'm especially looking forward to more Luna/Celestia chapters.
VastaKustutaI also like how to keep it from going all out grimdark.
FINALLY! By Celestia's Beard you've kept us waiting! At least it was mostly worth the wait, though if each chapter is going to take a month, I'm not sure if I can handle it! XD
VastaKustutaStill, thank you VERY much, and I can't WAIT to see what's happened to Celes and Lulu!
~ Magical Trevor
Indeed. The confrontation between Trollestia and Queen Celestia will be hilarious to watch. Especially if Trollestia keeps making the sun set just to troll QC, or if she gets Luna to make a Lunar Eclipse during the "night" and lets it shine unhindered during the day.
VastaKustutaJust wondering, what makes you guys so sure Queen Celestia won't be just as big a troll as our Celestia? <_<
VastaKustutaIn all seriousness though, those two are definitely headed towards an eventual confrontation. I estimate I'll get to it in twenty years.
@Joe
As a matter of fact, I've been trying to get this story downgraded to merely [Dark]. I've tried begging, and pleading, and beseeching, and asking politely, but the request keeps slipping through the cracks.
GEEZUZ! This story is freakin AWESOME. I love it so much.
VastaKustutaSeriously, that Grimdark tag need to go the way of the Scootaloo. I don't even see it needing a Dark tag TBH.
Also, you are at 4.9stars after 120+ votes. ou need to get this 6 starred.
I'm loving this story :)
VastaKustutaOn the off chance that someone is keeping up with the comments here - you might want to check out this page:
VastaKustutahttp://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y49/BornIn1142/Sunshine%20and%20Fire%20Characters/
It has approximations and brief descriptions of my OCs/alternate universe counterparts.
@DPV111
The rating has been sitting stubbornly at 4.8 all along. Also, the story isn't very dark now, but it will get a bit grimmer eventually.
BornIn1142, how far are you along writing chapter 5?.. or Part 5... whatever...
VastaKustuta@EDracon
VastaKustuta3200 words. I expect 5000 or so total.
@BornIn1142
VastaKustutaGood to know, I'm looking forward to reading it.
Weeeee more updates and more reading. Who needs sleep anyway?
VastaKustutaLoved the mention of "The Blue Bolt".
VastaKustutaI'm wondering if Daylight Sparkle's the only alternate to be on the side of Daymare Sun?
@DPV111 I'm not sure if Fluttershy being the 'Pegasus on the Council' makes sense or not.
VastaKustutastill loving it. Have nothing bad to say about it really. Well written so far, enjoying it, looking forward to more.
VastaKustutaI believe the Blue Bolt was referred to as "she", but eh.
VastaKustutaSo far, 5* story. A couple things bug me, but you have a really well written Celestia, and I love me some Celestia.
@DPV111
VastaKustutaI guess that depends on how you define "side."
@Austin Yun
I'd be interested in knowing what bugs you.
"FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
VastaKustutaWAR IS PEACE
MAGIC IS FRIENDSHIP"
A THOUSAND INTERNETS FOR YOU SIR! xD
I enjoy your story very much, sir. I am very interested in where it goes from here. Please, keep up the good work.
VastaKustutaThis has been alot of fun I am looking forward to the next chapter. I cannot wait to see Celestia, Twi, and Luna water the tree of liberty.
VastaKustutaExcellent work, I cannot wait for it to continue
VastaKustutaThis is getting exciting. Can't wait to see how it turns out.
VastaKustutaSo... When's the next chapter coming out? ^^
VastaKustuta@Magical Trevor
VastaKustutaIt's not going very well, actually. I also have some essays coming up over the coming weeks, so don't expect it anytime soon.
Another great chapter, despite your thoughts in your notes i thought the chapter was laid out well as it is.
VastaKustutaThis finally updated! I'm really loving this.
VastaKustutaYES! Update! Thank you! 8D
VastaKustuta~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
So....so good...
VastaKustutano words....
How much of a bother do you find 10,000-word chapters? ~Bornln1142
VastaKustutaToo short. -_^ ~Me
The pacing of that chapter was fine. I actually found it much easier to read than previous ones. Remember that the flow shouldn't necessarily be constant if the content is varied.
VastaKustutaWow, this was even better than I'd expected it to be! And I actually really like the long chapters. Can't wait to see what Rainbow Dash is like in this world, and I'm also hoping to see some Luna soon!
VastaKustutaExcellent story! I LOVE the way you're portraying Celestia.
VastaKustutaI'm excited to see Luna! Are you going to use her canon personality? I know you started this before the episode aired, but it's not too late to do it without contradicting the appearances she's already made. The plot is also starting to pick up speed, and it's really gripping. This is probably my favorite story I have read so far. Six star imo
VastaKustuta@TyrannoStorm
VastaKustutaI'm not strictly following Luna's canon personality, no. The arc I have in mind for her needs her to be a fair bit milder. At the same time though, I couldn't help but integrate some traits from the real thing.
In case anyone is wondering, the next update will be within the next few days. I've been performing poorly, but most of the chapter is already written.
I am currently extremely overexcited for the next chapter to this. As in it's the main story I actually hope is on any given update post. Of course, it hasn't been so far. Hopefully it will be in this evening's update post. Even though based on the current pattern it probably won't be. >.>
VastaKustutaChapter 7 is up now. I guess we'll see when the notification comes up.
VastaKustutaI feel pretty bad about the late update and I'm sorry. A monthly schedule is pretty stupid as it is, and delaying that for no good reason... Well, I can imagine how it would be difficult to maintain enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I have exams to deal with over the next few weeks, so we'll see if I manage to slip in another update this month.
I kind of agree with you that it's your worst chapter so far, but I can't really name specific instances which I thought were bad, it just seems kind of off overall somehow. I did, however, like the revalation of more of the alternate Equestria's history, and thought that bit was very well-done.
VastaKustutaIt did seem kind of weak compared to prior chapters. I think that may be because nothing really happened. I've already been introduced to the setting, but now suddenly I spend a whole chapter seeing Luna be lethargic, then learn stuff I mostly already knew or could guess from a ridiculously well informed historian of some sort, and then only at the very end does she decide the same thing the other characters have: she should do something about Daymare Sun.
VastaKustutaI did like the direction you seemed to be taking Luna. The presence of her shadow was a great detail. And when she finds the soldiers she does exactly what I would expect the Princess of the Night to do: she skulks about invisibly. I imagined that while Celestia is great at mingling and subtle action, Luna simply avoids ponies and lacks subtlety entirely in actual confrontation (and resorts to commands/force quickly).
I kind of hope she isn't just going to publicly declare war on Daymare Sun or anything... she already knows that failed before, and in a world where most people don't even remember there was a second princess she is in the perfect position to just watch/plan/etc quietly in the background and only act at just the right moments.
@Arzoo
VastaKustutaWell, thank you for your honesty.
I don't really count nothing much happening as one of the chapter's problems. Luna being mired in angst and inaction was very much the intention, and I wanted to put the focus on her emotions (particularly since she still hadn't been really "introduced" properly yet). Whether I handled that effectively is another matter though.
Besides, while the events of this chapter may seem insignificant, assorted bits of it might just snowball into something... I feel the history lesson here was actually quite important, for instance.
I'm glad you pointed out the differences between Luna's and Celestia's behavior. I hoped to contrast them with their respective chapters.
So Luna is really dead here? Hmmm, even if purified not many would accept Celestia back as openly, and if both are dead there would be a power vacuum.
VastaKustutaYou know, always in stories about AUs a counterpart will pretend to be the other. We got that with Twi already, so I hope it doesn't get repeated with Celestia and Daylight.
I still want to know the motivations behind Daymare Sun.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@Natzo
VastaKustutaHah, that's a very astute observation about that power vacuum. This will be addressed in the story soon enough. It'll be a while until I get around to explaining why Daymare Sun exists, but I hope this chapter will give people some space to speculate.
woah! this finally updated!
VastaKustutaWow, can't believe I haven't left a comment here yet. Could've swore I did....
VastaKustutaI frickin LOVE this story. An awesome and unique fusion of the otherwise common "lost in another universe" and "Nightmare Sun" concepts.
I love how we haven't seen Daymare yet, I love the anti-Earth Pony racism, I love Celestia's cool shrewdness, I love the Orwell shoutouts (Magic is Friendship? FUCK YES), I love the totalitarian usage of the Sun, I love that you named a character "Gelding", but most of all I love the political fable that is Brainy Bright. Lots of American Progressives that need to learn what Brainy's learning the hard way. "Oh noes, some OWS protestors got pepper sprayed! We live in a police state!" No motherfucker, you do not live in a police state and you need to thank somebody every day that you don't....
Keep up the great work, BornIn1142!
Luna chapter was epic. You will always be most critical of your own work. Just keep writing because honestly this is the shit.
VastaKustutaBoy, you said it DPV111. That was probably the best description of Luna's inner demons and mindstate during her imprisonment that I've ever read.
VastaKustutaThe shit, indeed.
Totally meant to put this here at the same time as on FF.net, but got completely sidetracked and forgot:
VastaKustutaThroughout most of this chapter, I was thinking about how this is probably one of my favorite chapters so far. And then I read the author comments at the end.
"I'm going to give this one the nod as my worst chapter so far." Classic case of an author being his/her own worst critic. I think you're worrying way too much about the quality of your writing. Yes, you should worry a bit about it, disregarding the quality would be dumb. But to call this your worst chapter yet is a gross underestimation. Perhaps I show favouritism when it comes to the princesses, and perhaps that colored my opinion of this chapter, but you can't honestly expect me to believe that this is bad.
This has some good character delevopment, as well as a look into what it's been like for Luna since her 'rescue'. Not to mention the fighting at the end, the parts you actually described did a good job of not making Luna seem indestructable. Letting the pony actually get a chance to swing his sword I thought was a good thing. It made Luna seem like she actually has skill in battle, and needs to use it, instead of simply using her god-powers to instantly annihilate her foes. It makes it far more interesting.
Man, if Luna occasionally feels a little suicidal after a thousand years of her mind being split and part of it thinking terrible thoughts, I can't imagine how Celestia would be after 750 years of her mind being split and actually DOING terrible things, if our protagonists manage to fix her. Assuming the same thing's happened to her that's happened to Luna, of course. And assuming she gets fixed instead of killed or banished. I got the impression that Luna needed Celestia to help her cope, this world's Celestia doesn't have her Luna to help her cope. The fact that she doesn't have her because she KILLED her won't help with the suicidal tendencies. Of course, these are more assumptions - Celestia is a very different pony from Luna, she might be able to cope without a shoulder to lean on, and might not even get any suicidal thoughts at all. Not to mention, we don't really have any proof that this world's Luna is dead. It's just strongly implied.
And those are the rambling thoughts I had after reading this chapter.
@Cedric Bale
VastaKustutaDon't worry about rambling. This kind of speculation and pondering is exactly what I like to see. I'm glad you're thinking of what lies beyond simply taking care of the bad guy, and I'm especially glad you're thinking for yourself rather than accepting any information from potentially uneliable sources as absolute fact out of hand.
About the fight scene - I planned to include a scene where one of the soldiers bucks Luna in the face and causes her nose to bleed. Though I didn't really find a fitting place for what, it does reflect how I plan to write the Princesses - powerful, but not invulnerable.
Anyway, I wouldn't call the chapter BAD, but I do think it has some annoying issues that bump it to the bottom of the list. Still, I'm glad people like it.
@mycutiemarkisagun
Hmmmhm. Well, it might interest you to know that I do plan to include a confrontation between Celestia and Brainy Bright about his attitudes, though it'll be a long time coming.
Thanks for commenting, everyone!
Ah so the specter of killing finally rears it's head.
VastaKustutaI would have thought an additional paragraph with Twilight being sick would have been appropriate, but I guess the fallout can wait till the next chapter.
Also LOL at spike wanting to trigger his greed growth to help.
I am a little surprised a Pegasus Pony could be killed by a single lightning bolt, however.
I also am liking the undertone of the implied schism among the bad guys.
At the end I wasn't sure exactly if they were going to kill Striker or just break his horn off, but either works. The fight scene did flow well and I am hoping the Dragoness is freed from her enslavement now if she's not already dead.
VastaKustuta@DPV111
VastaKustutaYeah, all the relevant angst will take place in the next chapter. I didn't want to slow things down too much here.
Though to be quite honest, I didn't really consider the ramifications of pegasus weather magic stuff in Soarin's death. I'll just rationalize that by saying it was magic lightning.
Thanks for commenting. Not a lot of people do that. >_>
Okay, time for an approximate theory of what's going to happen in the future (both short-term theorization and just theories about specific events):
VastaKustutaThe mane 4 are going to go to Hillside, where they'll either meet Luna or (more likely) hear about her but not meet her. Fluttershy is unlikely to be there; Luna may have just missed her presence but I find that kind of unlikely.
If Queen Celestia meets "Twinkle" she's very likely to recognize that something is wrong, given that it's stated in chapter 5 that she looks very similar to how Celestia did in her youth. I also, however, suspect that if she does recognize her she'll underestimate her, because as far as she's concerned she's the only remaining alicorn (with the possible exception of that dimension's Luna, depending on what really happened to her).
As Princess Luna observed, Equestria seems to have declared war on her. I could see that causing Queen Celestia to start figuring out what's going on, which would lead to trouble. Alternately, if that dimension's Luna isn't actually dead, it could just lead to Celestia trying to finish the job, which would still be bad but not quite as bad.
Agent Striker's death is likely to cause some backlash, which will hopefully be blamed mostly on the Blue Bolt, because if the Secret Police can actually trace the events of the fight well enough to realize that it wasn't just Rainbow it could lead to serious trouble for the mane 4.
If she follows the pattern Fluttershy will know Pinkie, but Pinkie is the pony I most worry about not being accurate to her personality in Equestria A, because of the specific origins of her whole "laughter" thing and the differing circumstances. There's also a chance that Fluttershy actually won't know Pinkie, in which case it's going to be even worse and require some serious searching, which will likely be pretty conspicuous.
The elements themselves will likely be very well-guarded, assuming my analysis of the alternate Equestria's history is correct. Specifically, because Celestia still knows about their power due to having used them on Discord, she's likely to do her best to guard them from those who may otherwise try to use them on her.
I'm somewhat worried about who Princess Celestia may encounter at the ball. If anypony recognizes her (the main suspect being Queen Celestia, but Power Scoop being a possibility too) she's likely to run into serious problems with conducting her research.
Most of these theories probably won't go anywhere, but if at least two of them are correct I'll be pretty satisfied. :p
It's a joy to see someone putting so much thought into what I'm writing, so thank you for that.
VastaKustutaAs it happens, at least two of the things you suggested are indeed right on.
I don't want to give too much away, but I'll tell you what you're wrong about - I won't actually show Celestia at that ball, except perhaps for a single lone scene. I'd like to put it in - in fact, if I did, it would probably be the very next chapter - but it's not really that important in the grand scheme of things, and I don't want to waste readers' time. It'd bog down the story a bit is what I mean.
@Mister Tulip
VastaKustutaI guess Queen Celestia must already know from the captured scientist that started this mess.
I still say that if evil Celestia ends up capturing them by pretending to be the good Celestia and try to conquer normal Equestria will undermine the plot, since that the most cliche sequence of events in evil world counterpart stories.
I actually would like that the good versions remain in the dark much longer, since it seems Celestia is omniscient in this fandom.
I like surprises and originality so...
@BornIn1142
VastaKustutaJust checking for a pulse. The FimFiction crowd are just about to put up an obituary.
Keep it up. This one is very well written and one of the 'cant put it down' types. This is one that has GOT to be completed! I read the first chapter a long time ago, then lost track of the story. I just caught up over the last 24 hours and can't wait for the next chapter.
VastaKustutaHeh. Even when she's the leader of the Pony Gestapo, Twilight is still just as adorkable as ever. I do sort of wonder how Pinkie Pie managed to get herself a job as Queen Celestia's court jester, though; I doubt she'd be terribly amenable to party cannons.
VastaKustutaThey are equipped with specialized vehicles and equipment to combat fires effectively.
VastaKustutaFire Suppression Systems