[Shipping][Sad][Normal] The only canon ship in the show!
Author: SuperGiantRobot
Description: Spike wants to finally confess his love to Rarity, but when she finds herself a new potential suitor is it already too late?Quit Dragon Your Heels (New Part 3!)
Additional Tags: short, sad, happy ending, friendship, affectionate
32 kommentaari:
Really Seth, the only canon ship? My "Twilight x Books" ship would like a word with you.
VastaKustutaThink Blueblood and Rarity might count as another canon ship. :c
VastaKustutaAnd that's a very punny title.
(Spoiler warning...)
VastaKustutaYour writing is solid but the plot is a little iffy. Basically Spike has a problem of Rarity being interested in this other guy. Spike is bummed, as is natural, but how is the conflict resolved? By coincidence. Spike actually doesn't do anything other than poke his snout in when she gets back. This story would have been much more impressive if Spike had asked around about this guy, found out he was a cad, tried to confront Rarity about it (of course she refuses to accept it) and then when Summersday presses his 'affections' Spike comes to the rescue. So I like the premise but the story to me feels like it needs to be a little more complex to really dig out the drama. Sorry.
The Cakes would like a quiet word with you about "canon ship" Seth...
VastaKustuta@Somber: Well this its my first ever, so I wanted to keep it simple.
VastaKustuta@Pineapple Skitter
VastaKustutaThey don't count; they're already together.
@SuperGiantRobot
VastaKustutaIf this is your first-ever story, then... well, you did a good job. I agree with Somber that it needed some work, but seeing as it sounds like you're just starting out, hopefully you can take the advice to heart next time you do some writing.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaThis was more to test how I could do the characters. People seem impressed with my Applejack.
VastaKustutaBeing the crying shoulder is all I appear to be good for with my lady friends, particularly the ones I have feelings for.
VastaKustutaThe thing I hate about myself is that I'm like Spike here, convinced that the love I have now I might as well be content with.
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Not a bad effort, but a first-person narrative can be awkward because you're limited by the narrator's own vocabulary, frame of reference, etc.
VastaKustutaSpike sounds like Spike when he's talking, but the narration is introspective to the point of being completely divorced from the actual emotions. It's like he's reading from a list.
I would suggest rewriting this in third-person perspective, if only for yourself to compare. You may find it's easier to be descriptive and engaging when you can use your own voice as author.
All I can do is learn at this point. It sounds like I've done more right than wrong, but I could use some tidying.
VastaKustutaPedo fics are okay then? Since spikes crush on the show is reminiscent of a schoolgirlcrush on her teacher.
VastaKustutaYour mechanics are just fine. Better than mine by far. Your characterization is also effective. Spike feels like Spike and Rarity feels like Rarity. So it's plot that needs to be addressed.
VastaKustutaThink about other relationship stories and romances. There's a way for these to resolve. It's always better if they resolve due to the main character actually doing something rather than have events simply work out. As is, Spike just ends up the lucky shoulder for her to cry on.
It also doesn't have to be long to be complex. You can go to a cut, then have spike confront Rarity about all the things he's found out. That tells the reader that Spike is willing to act on his feelings. Remember the Diamond Dog's episode. Spike wasn't along for the ride, he was constantly pushing and active.
You've got talent and writing skill. Don't be afraid to make the story longer or break it into parts.
@Somber Well, I considered that; I was originally going to go with Spike rescuing her but Spike's just a little fella, so...
VastaKustutaA little *dragon*. And remember, ponies aren't fireproof.
VastaKustutaI still didn't really see a way to make it work. Sure, he can breathe fire, but...
VastaKustuta@SuperGiantRobot
VastaKustutaDespite his size, I think he handled the Diamond Dogs pretty well in D&PS, but whatever.
Anyway, I felt this was a good story (Helps that I happen to be a fan of most Spike/Rarity stories), especially for a first attempt. I look forward to seeing what you write next.
dawwwwwwwwwww that was great :D
VastaKustuta4/5, the plot was very iffy, but it's a heartwarming story nonetheless.
VastaKustutaI really quite enjoyed this story, mainly due to the fact that I enjoy the Spike/Rarity shipping stories. However I agree with some of the other comments, the plot needed a bit more to it than what was there.
VastaKustutaNonetheless for a first story, its good, I'd say 7.5/10
I actually really liked the plot. While the plot suggestions made would make for a better story, I think that this really captured how spike would react. I can wait to read more of your work!
VastaKustutaOne of these days, Spike will actually get a girl (and not have it end in tradegy...!)
VastaKustutaThis story comes very close, though, which is a point in it's favour! Good job. This was a very good attempt for your first.
For your fist fanfic, I liked it. It was a bit of a tearjerker. You could have extended it longer than just what it had. Otherwise, great job, man.
VastaKustutaSo to sum up:
VastaKustuta1) First-person was PROBABLY a mistake on my part; I didn't do it badly, but I could have done it better. Sethiso himself said first-person was a pain to write.
2) My characterization is fine; no problem there, except the first-person narration doesn't seem quite right quite.
3) The plot needed more to it. Again, perfectly understandable. As my first story, I wanted to keep it simple; if I write something else, I'll try for something a bit more extensive.
4) It probably could have been longer. that I'm not so sure about: if I make the story TOO long I tend to lose the plot. I'll see what I can do about that, though.
Any suggestions about another story? This was more of a FRIENDship story as opposed to a RELATIONship story: I just took what was already there and made it more than just one-way. I'm not sure how well I'd do with the other sort.
Bah, this isn't a story about plot, it's a story about emotions. Sometimes that's all you need.
VastaKustutaSpeaking as someone who read this before it was posted, I'm glad to see what you did with the ending, breaking it where you did. The resolution was heartwarming and just right.
Damn this story sounds like me...Im spike....Good job SGR
VastaKustutavery nice story especially for a first :)
VastaKustutaI never really planned to do a sequel (thuough I suppose it's really a gaiden), so I guess at 14,000 words, it's not really short anymore...
VastaKustutaHey there, I'm still reading through the first chapter. It's not bad, but does need some help with grammar, especially the quotations.
VastaKustutaEnding a quotation with a question mark means no comma is needed. ("Is that Rarity?" said Spike.) Ditto with exclamation points. ("It is Rarity!" he said.)
If a quotation ends without 'he said, she said' or something like that, you just end with whatever punctuation mark is appropriate. ("Hello, Spike." "Hi, Rarity!" "Wait, are you eating my gems? MY PRECIOUS GEMS?")
But if a quotation DOES end in 'he said / she said'--and IF it does not involve a question mark or exclamation point--then a comma is used INSTEAD OF a period. ("Um, yeah, I guess I kind of am eating them," Spike said sheepishly. "Oops!")
Punctuation for quotations always, always, ALWAYS goes WITHIN the quotes, not outside of them.
Hope that helps! *returns to reading*
@Unknown
VastaKustutaThe first part was written quite some time ago. I was new to the subject, I can fix it.
Err... It says that the story does not exist. Why'd you delete it? Seemed like a nice concept to me.
VastaKustuta