Author: UberUrsa
Description: When (self-described) hard-boiled detective Keen Eye is approached by a purple maned femme fatal to find some lost friends for a large pile of bits, he figures that he'll earn some good money. Unfortunately for him, the part of his brain that yells loudly when things are not as they seem is once again right.Hard-Boiled Friendship Part 1
Hard-Boiled Friendship Part 2
Hard-Boiled Friendship Part 3 (New!)
Additional Tags: Cynical pony finds lost friends.
10 comments:
This song comes to mind looking at the pic
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kxnnW84sgM
Max Pony?
ReplyDelete...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omQ-7wZTXvI
I have to admit I'm kind of a sucker for the pony/noir thing, and it's a decent set-up for a story. However, I do have some technical criticisms, which means this is going to end up being a very long comment.
ReplyDeleteThe most obvious issue is the simple fact that the prose is kind of clunky. Noir in particular requires a very strong narrative voice; the way the text actually reads is extremely important to establishing the mood and general atmosphere, so when there are problems with spacing, punctuation, or word choice that throw off the flow, it's an even bigger issue than usual. I would recommend that the author make a point of rereading everything with a fine-toothed comb, paying special attention to things like cadence and sentence structure, particularly in relation to punctuation.
I know it's easy to just say things like that, and I'm certainly familiar with how hard it can be to figure out what sounds right and what doesn't, so I'm going to indulge myself a bit here and pull a random bit of prose out to do some editing on:
"He tucked his hoof up under his chin thoughtfully, “I dunno Keen, that might imply that I just hand it out to everyone,” He wanted to trade. That's how he knew everything, he traded in words and information while the police department sent him a check every other week."
The first part, before the quote, is good. It's simple and it tells us what we need to know while establishing the next line (although we can probably lose the "up"). However, I think it would be better to end the sentence there instead of tying the dialog into it.
The dialog is also mostly fine, but again it needs more periods. Actually, I think the piece in general could do with some more periods; shorter sentences would help make things feel 'heavier' and more noir. Oh, and I'd get rid of the second 'that,' too.
Again, I would have that bit of dialog be its own sentence, or maybe even add a paragraph break after it. That puts a more distinct split between the speaking character's actions/dialog and the narrator's reaction.
This is a little more of an esoteric edit, but I'd toss in a short, slightly snarky response (just an "Of course." would be fine) into the narration. It's not really necessary, but my intuition says a hard-boiled private eye would respond to that sort of thing with a touch of sarcasm.
I'm not quite sure what to do with the last sentence. Something about it seems a bit off, but other than upgrading the commas to a period and a semicolon (respectively) I'm not quite sure what it needs. To be honest, the more I look at it the more I think it's actually fine.
Putting all that together, we get something like this:
"He tucked his hoof under his chin thoughtfully. “I dunno, Keen. That might imply I just hand it out to everyone.”
Of course. He wanted to trade. That's how he knew everything; he traded in words and information while the police department sent him a check every other week."
I'm not sure if that's terribly helpful or not, but I certainly hope it is.
Anyway, that's the main complaint, but the other big thing I want to say is that the noir monologues could use some work. In particular, the opening paragraph jumped out at me; it's got the overly detailed descriptions of mundane actions, and "I don't muse on things" is a decent line, but overall I feel like the whole thing could have used more metaphors. The metaphors are what make the monologue, really.
Oh, and the one last thing I want to point out is that there are a handful of typographical errors throughout; misspelled words, typos, that kind of thing. Watch for those. (It's spelled 'Pinkie Pie,' by the way.)
@SaladMuffin and Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI see your video game music, and raise you some old school gems from late last century:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j_Zf4yFWmo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8pQlq6cCsU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogVgj1pevD0&fmt=18
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And to supplement A Pony Farce's lengthy but thought-provoking comment, I suggest a quick peek at some of the Gods of this genre of fiction:
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Raymond_Chandler
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Dashiell_Hammett
These two are so Noir they absorb all visible light.
Pinkie Pie being a 'made mare' in this story. Why am I not surprised?
ReplyDeleteHey! An update! Keep 'em comin'! I am very intrigued!
ReplyDelete@SaladMuffin and Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI see your video game music, and raise you some old school gems from late last century:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j_Zf4yFWmo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8pQlq6cCsU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogVgj1pevD0&fmt=18
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And to supplement A Pony Farce's lengthy but thought-provoking comment, I suggest a quick peek at some of the Gods of this genre of fiction:
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Raymond_Chandler
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Dashiell_Hammett
These two are so Noir they absorb all visible light.
MOAR
ReplyDeleteMOAR
ReplyDelete