Author: Soviet
Description: Luna thought that she had banished the evil within her once the elements had defeated her. She will come to realize that she was deadly wrong as the evil within her comes back with more power than she could have ever imagined.The Darkness Within
Additional Tags: Luna, insanity, insecurity, dreams, heartbreak
15 comments:
Fanfic list is so long right now... but this one is certainly on it!
ReplyDeleteSad luna always makes me..well...sad.
ReplyDeleteho shit sounds badass,
ReplyDeletefuck i just finished reading Memories of days long past 1-21 so right now i cant read it cause my eyes burn like a thousand super novas and on top of that i actually threw up after i finished reading so now my eyes and my nose burns...anywaaaays im add this to my tab
@Gypsy
ReplyDeleteLOL
That was intense.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant writing, perfect character portrayal with Cele, Luna and Nightmare Moon.
Bloody terrifying and emotional.
5 Stars!
I liked it quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the ending felt a little rushed. Luna's Shut Up Hannibal lecture was really good, but I feel like a more drawn-out confrontation would have heightened the tension of the moment and created a more satisfying conclusion that would have made the brief scene after the confrontation all the more effective. As such, I felt like your writing betrayed itself just a little: you spent quite a bit of time building up to the climax, but aside from the aforementioned speech, the final scene felt a bit insubstantial to me.
Still, superb characterization all around. I loved the use of viewpoint, letting us really get into Luna's head. I don't think the story would have worked any other way. I applaud you.
@Vimbert the Unimpressive
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. When I finished writing/editing it there was something about the ending that didn't sit well with me. I probably should have added more but for whatever reason I didn't. I was never really good at executing build up fairly well. But I hope to improve later on.
This was a strong concept for the story, and there was a lot of powerful imagery contained therein; but there were some strong grammatical problems throughout. Tense changes, run on sentences, comma misuse, etc.
ReplyDeleteFor the most part it wasn't distracting, but there were a few instances where it kind of was. 4/5.
Not the best Lunafic I've read, but serviceable. My main problem with it is that the author shifts his/her tenses so often (using the first-person "is" where the tense should be a third-person "was") so often that the story becomes a bit confusing. I'm assuming that the author is not a native English speaker. If this is the case, then I would recommend that he/she read Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style" and, above all, keep practicing; there's certainly a good deal of raw talent shown in this attempt, even if total success isn't quite within his/her grasp just yet.
ReplyDeleteOverall I liked it quite a bit, although I have a weakness for madness. The voices and phantoms are devices I'm fond of and the characterization is pretty well done.
ReplyDeleteI was a little bothered by some of the sections, it felt as though the descriptions of events and emotional states were a little too direct. A lot of the sentences felt like they could have ended by simply allowing the reader to infer what was going, rather than having it completely spelled out for them. This only occurred in some sections and the shift in tone it creates was sometimes jarring enough to take me out of the story. Of course, this might just be a stylistic preference on my part. Still a good story overall.
Also, the whispers remind me of Yogg-Saron.
@GreatSnapper
ReplyDeleteYea I did say a lot of things directly. Im trying to find a medium with that, most of the time I make it too ambiguous or too direct. And yes, with the whispers I got the idea from Yogg-Saron and C'thun, I always loved the Old God whispers.
@Soviet
ReplyDeleteNo, I thought your build-up was just fine; I was just looking forward to a better climax.
@Vimbert the Unimpressive
ReplyDeleteWrong choice of words there. I agree that the buildup was fine but yea looking back to it I can definitely see how I could have improved the climax with how I built it up.
Somepony's been to Whisper Gulch...
ReplyDeleteWell, that was fun. Very creepy and psychological, but not overly so. Good job.
ReplyDelete