[Normal] "Perfect episode style. Everypony was in character. The plot made sense. The writing was good. I have no problem seeing this as an episode in Season 2. I actually laughed out loud at a few points."-PreReader #3
Author: Mak
Description: When Rainbow Dash is given the chance to impress one of her idols, she finds herself in the middle of a money problem. Can she count on her friends to help her make it in the big leagues? Will her friends still be able to count on her once she gets there? (Written in screenplay format).A Quick Buck
Additional Tags: Money, trust, sports, carnival, script
40 comments:
1st? Yup
ReplyDeletesame pic twice on the front page. lols
ReplyDelete...Your mileage may very with Scriptfics...
ReplyDeleteLike DAAAAMN There's 0 walls of text in this FanFiction...
ReplyDeleteDammit Seth, you used the same pic twice for a fic again! What's more, you did it while the other one WAS STILL ON THE FRONT PAGE!
ReplyDeleteYou're getting lazy man.
DAMN ITS FORMAT i cant read it on my phone...
ReplyDeleteD4SHTH3R4INB0W
The Rarity imitation seemed very un-Pinkie Pieish.
ReplyDeleteahaha when i saw the title and the pic i thought this was another clopfic
ReplyDeleteThat was pretty good. John Manen was hilarious, and the lesson of the "episode" was a perfect blend of maturity and accessibility for the show's target audience. I agree with the prereader, I could totally see this as an episode.
ReplyDeleteIf you cannot think of a rhyme for 'orange',
ReplyDeleteperhaps your vocabulary needs more range.
A bit startling seeing ANY of the mane 6 STEALING from one another... Would still work good as an actual episode, but crap, you know the new meme of "KleptoDash" would be all over the place within ten seconds flat...
ReplyDeleteI've been at /co/ too long. You are free to imagine the horror that the title "A Quick Buck" caused me when I misread the pun.
ReplyDeleteOrange does not rime with Range feneticaly speaking
ReplyDeleteOrange is one of the few words in the english language that has no phonetic rhyme to it without stressing the syllables or mispronouncing it on purpose.
ReplyDeleteIt would have worked better for me if there was a scene of dash buying the gear as going from her taking off with the money and then at the event was really jarring.
cute idea don't love scriptfics but still shibby. Seemed a bit of a heavy topic for an episode though.
lol at the title and the meme ideas tho. Both came to me immediately.
@slywit is there ever such a thing as too much time at /CO/?
A very good attempt at a workable script for a show. There's a couple of things I think would need changing for it to hit the screen, so-to-speak, but that's because of it's 'primary' audience. I thought it was great, well written, balanced and in-character. Great job.
ReplyDeleteSpot on. This author captured the Ponies characters exactly. I'd love to see this as an episode!
ReplyDeleteThere are a few minor things that I think would've been different if this was an actual episode, but overall, it's really good.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't think Dash would just steal money like that.......
ReplyDelete.............
Today's villain is capitalism.
ReplyDeleteI might say that capitalism as portrayed in the scriptfic would be unlikely in the utopia that Equestria seems to be, however canon it is.
Also that it may've been a bit too episode-like, though the motives for writing this may not've been straight entertainment of us readers?
Good show, at any of the rates.
Did the title frame this fic in a reddish and rather more lewd light for anyone else?
ReplyDeletehehehe,'buck'...
This was really good! I could see everything and hear the dialogue as if from each character. Manen cracked me up, especially if he was intended to not change his tone with the permanent marker observation.
ReplyDeleteSince I'm a hipster for scriptwriting, the extended PP/AJ interaction was fun for me. Having Twilight attempt to be cool in her own nerdy way was a dealmaker for me.
Personal problems: I'm not a fan of Derpy as a 'special needs' sort of pony. In addition, Zecora's flub with the rhyme didn't feel as genuine as the rest of the script. Then again, I just don't take that much of a shining to jabs at endearing character traits.
I'm torn on the scene where Dash takes the money. On one hand, everything about it is too vague. On the other hand, I picked up on how vagueness is the point and Dash chose poorly. Take that as you will.
Overall, a really good job that demonstrates a firm understanding of the show's tone. If there's more scripts to come, I'd read those too!
A tourniquet stops flow of blood entirely; you should just have their tongues wrapped in bandages.
ReplyDeleteBesides that nitpick, I'm not a writer and I don't see anything to complain about.
Cue Super-clapping.
ReplyDeleteIt was an interesting style of writing, a screenplay it seems.
One thing I have to hand to you is the conflict, you didn't shy away from that.
It was very much like an episode. . .
However, your conclusion seemed lacking in morals.You had everything set up perfectly, but then (like in Best Night Ever) the ending was rushed.
Remember, you don't have the time limits that the animators have. Flesh out your endings.
Anyways, good job, and I hope to read more of your work in the future, Mak.
Great on paper, great on structure, and seriously keep that in mind, but if you are going by time limit rules. 1 page is about a minute, so you would have to cut a bit, or pad it out to two. Most likely cut if it's your first build, but whatever.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Twilight's nestegg is comparable to what Rainbow makes in a week? I guess that makes since when she's the only cloud-clearing game in town, but I'll bite, assuming it's a civil service and anti-trust laws don't come into play. That, and I hate Econ.
But otherwise, it seems vanilla enough to be an episode. Good work.
I loved every bit of this. I very nearly cried at the end. My only criticism is that it seems a little to long for a typical thirty minute episode, but take that with a grain of salt as I SUCK at estimations of measurement.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your feedback everypony, and thanks to the staff of Equestria Daily for hosting my script.
ReplyDeleteI set out to write this script to experiment with the screenplay format and get myself better acquainted with it. Also I just wanted to have a little fun and make something that the community would get a kick out of.
For those of you pointing out the length of the episode, it's interesting to note that the fan-transcribed scripts of the two pilot episodes were over 30 pages apiece (you can find both of those right here on ED). I've also seen screenplays for children's cartoon episodes that have been as long as 40 pages.
Of course, my prose is a bit more dense in the dialog department, so it may be a few minutes over the standard limit. Some scenes in the 2nd act could probably be cut or trimmed down to accommodate this, though that also would've resulted into cutting some of the humor. Since this script was just for fun and not intended for any kind of serious submission I figured I'd put on a little extra icing for the fans.
This was amazing, I loved it. I would actually hope to see this as an episode for season 2, or maybe something really close. I lol'd at some parts, and some other parts seemed a bit more for an older audience (The Bronies). Overall, it was a great story. The person who wrote this is very talented.
ReplyDeleteThis was really good, totally episode-worthy. Ponies don't really identify with their Elements of Harmony, do they? Instead, it's like they need help developing them. Hell, AJ lies like a rug!
ReplyDeleteReally awesome fic. i'm jealous all over.
...but if you mock Zecora again i will FIND you...
That was a great scriptfic, really flowed as well as an actual episode could.
ReplyDeleteTHe only problem I have, I don't really buy RD stealing from her friends. She may not be Honesty, but by horseapples, Loyalty should definitely count for something.
The rest of the fic, however, is brilliantly executed, and it surely deserves my 5 stars. :D
@Gypsy
ReplyDeleteYeah, and even after I read the description my brain kept going "Bow chicka bow wow..."
I liked the moral, plus the Zecora part. :D
ReplyDeleteAwesome, everyone's already said it, but that was brilliantly written and I totally could see it as an episode. I agree with what someone mentioned above, a tourniquet is an odd choice, bandages would have been a better sight gag. Apart from that I loved it.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what one would have to do to actually submit a script to the studio? Probably have to join a writers guild I think...
When I read the title all I could think is "Seth finally allowed clopfics?".
ReplyDeleteSorta reminds me of that episode of King of the Hill where Bill and Dale start frying bananas.
ReplyDeleteOr did I just dream that?
@Lazarus
ReplyDeleteWhy do I see an EXTREMELY alternate version of this story being written?
Instead of stealing she... does... other things.
"Kay fine, but make it quick."
Great script! Very funny.
ReplyDeleteI like it. It's cute and hammy and everything that makes the series great. The character interaction was top notch.
ReplyDeleteI gotta say though, I really can't see Rainbow Dash straight up robbing anyone, much less one of her best friends. The last act ended on a bit of a heavy note, especially for a kid's cartoon. Still, very entertaining.
I really liked it, I especially like stories where I have to stop reading for a second or two to calm down so I don't over-react. Towards the end that's exactly what this story did for me, enjoyed it fully.
ReplyDeleteAfter checking this out, I can honestly say Pre-Reader #3 wasn't kidding! This was a great fic, and the writer really put into his mind the point of the show when doing it!
ReplyDeleteGood job.
ReplyDeleteOne complaint/suggestion. Make the resolution longer.