Author: Pook
Description: Trey was an average brony living an average life. That is,Google Documents
until Twilight shows up in his back yard. Trey winds up being
unintentionally teleported into Ponyville. Not only does this prove
problematic for Twilight, but it also brings quite the romantic commotion
to the little town.
When Trey Came to Town Part 1
When Trey Came to Town Part 2
When Trey Came to Town Part 3
When Trey Came to Town Part 4
When Trey Came to Town Part 5
When Trey Came to Town Part 6 (New!)
Deviant Art
When Trey Came to Town Part 1
When Trey Came to Town Part 2
When Trey Came to Town Part 3
When Trey Came to Town Part 4
When Trey Came to Town Part 5
When Trey Came to Town Part 6 (New!)
Additional Tags: Weird, Human, Original Character, Long
167 comments:
>Shipping
ReplyDelete>Human in Ponyville.
Mother Of God. DO NOT-
Wait...well, this is well written. Sweet Jesus I'm so conflicted. Not sure if want...
I typically have no problem with human in equestria stories, but the fact that he's eben there less than a day, and already has a 'magickal relationship with Twilight Sparkle' is making me facepalm. First chapter was very good, slow down on the clopping.
ReplyDelete>OC Ponies
ReplyDelete>Human in Equestria
>Shipping
>Incomplete
Congratulations, you managed to get every tag I don't like seeing combined into a single story.
>OC Ponies
ReplyDelete>Human in Equestria
>Shipping
Agree with the anon above, this combination is the stuff of nightmmares
is it beastiality if both are sentient?
ReplyDelete>OC Ponies - Ok, as long as no Mary Sues
ReplyDelete>Human in Equestria - yay
>Shipping - Never read one to be honest, so no fore opinion
>Incomplete - hints at more to come...
@Dave
ReplyDeleteIt's not what you think... I'm just going to say that right now.
Yet another self-gratifying, self-centered, self-insert fan-fiction.
ReplyDeleteI dont know why but i always found these sort of stories funny... :)
ReplyDeleteApplejack is known for her get-rich-quick schemes?
ReplyDeleteWhy people hatin' on the self insert stuff?
ReplyDeleteNever understood that...
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteIt's not supposed to be a self-insert, but I guess it could seem that way. I'm just writing this because I enjoy writing and other people have liked it so far.
I usually skip human in equestria stories but this one is interesting.
ReplyDeleteAh. This reminds me of when everyone thought Arddun Lleuad was self-insert.
ReplyDeleteAfter talking with Pride on several different occasions, I've learned his character was NOTHING like him, lmao.
I assume this author would not be as stupid as to just throw himself in for no reason.
DO WANT!
ReplyDelete"this can't be good... ooh wait.. *Giggle*...
BWAHAHAHA!"
well done sir.
Also, why the fuck are people complaining in a story that's labeled RANDOM, COMEDY, and SHIPPING?
ReplyDelete... Cloppy? They're making jokes.
ReplyDeleteI'm so confused.
Hay Pook, don't mind all the neighsayers and the mediocre rating. This combination of tags is guaranteed to attract people to hit it with 1 or 2 stars without even giving it a fair shake. Personally I hope you continue this, because I'd like to read more! Though, admittedly, I did sorta figuratively facepalm at the "friendship" line near the end of part 2... Oh well. :D
ReplyDeleteI like this, keep it coming :)
ReplyDeleteHmmm... so far there are 3 ponys mentioned, Applejack, Twilight and Celestia. However, ALL of them seem pretty out of character in this story, Celestias letter seemed as if written by Pinkie Pie and since when has Applejack wanted to get rich real quick?
ReplyDeleteI liked it, I like most human in Equestria stories, especially the ones involved with bronies.
ReplyDeleteIf I ran into someone from a neighboring universe who knew who I was and other detailed information about my personal situation he wouldn't get away with a "maybe later". It seems OOC for Twilight to let him of the hook that easily. And the friendship line had me cringe.
ReplyDeleteAside from that it's pretty entertaining.
I Twilight is numbing herself to the... situation... kind of.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if AJ is mentioned later, hopefully she's still somewhat in-character; comedy can push the limits of OOC content but it's kind of odd so far.
I did like it though. I was chuckling through-out most of it.
I was pleasantly surprised at this story. It had a lot of potential to completely derail but it works.
ReplyDeleteA few criticisms:
1)Read your story aloud to yourself and you can spot some repeated words. For example, the fifth paragraph in chapter one where Twilight is describing the library used the word "tree" way too often and too close together
2)Spike has hands, so does Steven Magnet and the Manticore. When Twilight first sees Trey, she shouldn't say "five appendages protruding from it." as though she never seen a hand before.
3) Chapter 2, Twilight lets Trey off WAY too easily and befriends him way too quickly.
I'd normally give this 4 stars but I'll give it 5 to balance out some of the knee-jerk 1 star ratings.
I like this Celestia. She's always happy.
ReplyDelete"Try not to die!"
Usually she's all formal and stuff in other stories. Nice twist.
you might think I am an idiot, but where is the thing that allows me rate a story? I want to give this one five stars because it entertained me despite it's flaws
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeletethey've been glitchy apparently; go tot he top of the post. Sometimes they jsut don't appear, but I've never not seen them so.
@fellow anon
ReplyDeleteJust keep refreshing and shit. It'll show it's ugly hide sooner or later.
I noticed something in chapter two.
ReplyDeleteLooking out the windows, Trey also noticed that the sun was nearly set, the last tendrils of light seeping away. This meant that the time here was the same as back home.
The clocks in Equestria are all 8 hour clocks, not 12 hour ones like we have here. From this we can either deduce that days in Equestria are either 16 Earth hours long, or that Equestrian hours are longer than Earth hours. You might have noticed this, and the "This meant that the time here was the same as back home" part was you explaining that away the hour difference. If so, then go ahead and ignore my comment.
You can thank the author of Fallout: Equestria for noticing this and pointing it out to us in his fic.
Twilight was a bit quick to accept an alien that has unexplained knowledge of her, her race, and her world and does not seem concerned in the least that he may be dangerous. I'm also not too hot on the "I'm going to turn you into a pony to disguise you part" because that just screams wish fulfillment story to me, but only time will tell.
tl;dr: Equestrian clocks are 8 hours, Twilight seemed a bit to quick to trust an outsider, keep writing but tread carefully.
To answer an earlier question, bestiality has to involve higher(sapient) and lower (non-sapient) animals, if the animals in question (humans and ponies) can think, which they can, it then becomes interspecies romance, which is usually much A-OK.
ReplyDeleteUh oh, it turned into one of THOSE debates
ReplyDeleteSorry Seth, a question was asked and I was compelled to answer it.
ReplyDeleteNot only am I enjoying writing this and getting a lot of helpful feedback, I'm really enjoying some of these comments on here!
ReplyDeleteI was a bit hesitant to read this because of the whole HumanxPony idea, but I went ahead and read it anyways. I refuse to hate it, but I don't like it either. I feel like you rushed through the second chapter too fast, and the ponies all seem out of character.
ReplyDeleteAlright, I didn't immediately judge this on the whole Human-Pony Shipping deal. After all, Arddun Lleuad was pretty great...
ReplyDeleteBut WOW. Did you even read the story before you posted it?
sorry sorry, I try not to be sarcastic or hurtful when I write reviews but... It was very awkward, let's put it that way.
It felt rushed, let's put it that way. Like, SERIOUSLY rushed. the character interactions were very awkwardly done, and the whole "another time then" thing just blew me away. If, hypothetically, a green slug beast with two heads zapped into my living room and said, "Oh hey, Will" I'd seriously want to fricking know how this slug beast knows who I am, and it certainly wouldn't be left for "another time." I don't care what's going on. It could be past my bedtime, I could have a job interview in the morning, and there could be a hurricane barrelling into town, and it would NOT be left for "another time." No matter what universe you're in, that's a mondo-big deal.
It's especially annoying because it's so out of character for Twilight. A curious, studious pony like her would be ALL OVER trying to figure something ike that out as fast as possible. And then there are the other OOC problems. Since when is Applejack the sitcom "get-rich-quick-scheme-neighbor" type? I mean, yeah, she has precedent for wanting to make money in the show, but it's always been through "gosh darn, honest-to-goodness, hard work" as she might put it. Not through "Get rich Quick schemes." Or, if you're referring to the gala, that wasn't a GRQ scheme, that was simply a viable business opportunity that she saw and attempted to take, as any businessman might.
And then there's Celestia. ...Did pinkie pie usurp Celestia when we weren't looking, or are you trying to go for the "Trollestia" character type? I assume the latter, but if that's the case, reread the "Progress" series. That does a good job of portraying Trollestia. This... this just seems random, ergo my Pinkie comment. Why does she want Twilight to try out interdimensional travel? Why does she add a post script for no reason? Why does she sound like a giddy child in her letters rather than a regal mare?
*insert Batman Forever Bruce Wayne*
"It just raises too many Questions."
Trey raises issues as well... he just seems so Gary Stu. "I have a perfect life. I also love ponies and the outdoors and I have big dreams and I have no normal human reactions to being suddenly transported to an alternate cartoon fantasy reality! I just take it in stride. Also, I seem to have no problem befreinding the pony I hijacked despite appearing monstrous to her, having uncanny knowledge of her, and even though we've only met ten minutes ago, we're gonna be the best of friends. Also, I have no question about it, I want to be a pony! Forget HANDS and THUMBS and being able to easily reach high places with my bipedal-ness, that's for wussies!"
I'm sorry. For a human in Equestria story... he doesn't seem Human. I mean, with a Doctor Whooves story it makes a bit of sense given all the crap he's seen and how often he's been to parallel universes, but with your average 17 year old, that just doesn't fly.
Beyond all that, it just seems clunky, rushed out, and like there wasn't much in the way of editing or pre-reading done. I love human in Equestria stories, but this just doesn't cut the mustard.
^Continued from above because Blogger is wimpy and can't handle long comments. (Don't worry, though. It's encouragement time now)
ReplyDeleteNow I'm not saying you should just quit. That's never the option, and I'm sure you had a lot of fun writing this. That's good. However, before you go and make something so public, you just want to put a little more time into it, you know? I would reccomend going back, starting again, and REALLY putting more thought into character interaction and staying in character, and thinking VERY HARD about this: Just how WOULD you react if you were whisked away to ponyville? It's not a small deal. How would you, an average human, REALLY react to something of that magnitude? Think about that, and incorporate it.
Nice try. :)
Flesh out your protagonist, and make the events more difficult for him, or your story will be weak and reek of wish fulfillment. These two chapters are extremely convenient for Trey - if events actually transpire so easily, it would be better to start your story later, after Trey has already been ponified. Conflict has to occur early in a story. Not negotiable.
ReplyDeleteAs for 'bestiality', whether Trey goes that way or not...
An equestrian-pony x human romance is rather kinky for both parties (especially if neither is subject to transformational magic), but there's nothing morally wrong with it, unless you adhere to a religion that says there's something morally wrong with it - much like homosexuality. (It IS liable to squick people out, but so are a lot of things that aren't even kinks, like old people/ugly people/your parents getting it on... and, until recently and still for quite a few people, interracial human couples.)
If your story is strong, readers are unlikely to resent your characters for interspecies romance, much as they wouldn't hate their friends for engaging in one.
I should add that it's not a waste to write chapters that you later edit or cut. If they remain part of the continuity, they help YOU flesh out events, which will be reflected in the parts that you show to the reader. If they're cut from the continuity, you got practice writing and editing. The only way to lose is to get discouraged.
ReplyDeleteThe proper reaction to suddenly landing in Equestria: Fear, Shock, Surprise, Denial, Confusion, Trepidation, Attempts to Rationalize, and perhaps Giddiness when all is said and done. See "Stuck in Equestria" and "Imposition"
ReplyDeleteThe Improper reaction to suddenly landing in Equestria: Immediate hoorays or a calm "sup?" or similar calm, pleasant reaction. See "The Stranger" and this story.
Welp. I just finished parts 1 & 2
ReplyDeleteThat combination of tags + Cupcakes' Approval? I had to check this out!
I have to say I agree with Star Whistle: This reeks of the typical reasons why people don't like self-insert (even if this isn't a self insert, it reads like one). I also agree with 'long-comment' Anon above. Including the second bit. Although anon, to be fair: I'd probably give up hands and bipedal-ness in order to live life in idyllic Ponyville.
I gave you three stars: I didn't dislike the story but I can't recommend it yet either. I will read the next parts when they come and and will adjust as needed. I almost gave you 4 just to balance out some of the haters, but I realized that this type of gaming doesn't really accomplish much since anypony who wants to can just figure out how to multi-vote.
67 votes (before mine) in less than a day: At least you're getting read! It took almost a month for my story to get 60 votes...
Ok, first off, I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to give me some good criticism. Since this is my first story, I'm really glad I can get all the help from you guys.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, about some of the things you've mentioned. I know the story seems odd, and off-kilter, but for one thing, it has a random tag, making it something you shouldn't take too seriously. Also, some of the stuff you've mentioned, well, you might understand a little better when you read the third chapter (once its out)o. In other words, some things in the story are like they are for a reason. The story is only on the second chapter, it's only getting started.
"The proper reaction to suddenly landing in Equestria:". Seriously?
ReplyDeleteYou see, the thing about people is, they tend not react to stimuli in exactly the same way, depending on their characters, current circumstances and past experiences.
I have a hot potato toy that administers electric shocks every so often, but I don't play with it as much as I'd like to because for some reason, most people seem to want to avoid pain stimuli like the plague. C'est la vie, people are different, and that's just simple pain stimulus.
Being dumped in a completely different world is an incredibly complex set of stimuli, and, depending on the person's character, could be a disaster or vast improvement of circumstances for them, and likewise may inspire fear, awe, excitement, anger, sadness, joy or any of the many, many flavours of human emotion. To claim there is a stock set of emotions one should feel when transported thus is just absurd.
Personally, and having foreknowledge about where I've just ended up (that's very important), I'd be in the awe/joy camp, tinged with a bit of dread about whether I was just suffering a massive psychotic break, and I'd be pretty resistant when the topic of sending me back arose.
@Anonymous It's Xenophilia if they're both sentient.
ReplyDeleteXenophilia is the attraction towards other species because they are other species and is, in my opinion kinda shallow.
ReplyDeleteIf you fell for a pony and the fact that they weren't human didn't factor into it, then that's interspecies romance. If you just want to do it with a pony because they aren't human, then that's xenophilia.
...
ReplyDeleteWhy is this a bestiality/interspecies romance debate? It's a decent story so far and no actual relationship (romantic, I mean) has been mentioned between Trey and a pony. It could just as easily be two ponies. I think. Unless I'm wrong, in which case I really don't care and will keep reading it, because I'm tolerant like that.
It's, eh, not that great. Not terrible. Not great. Everything everyone has said really is what I would say, along with 'why is Twilight even getting in bed with him?' Yes, ponies might have differing opinions of what that means, yes it might be culturally ok to do so for them, yes it might even be good manners. But I doubt I'd get in bed with Mr. Green Slug Alien guy, even if I was attracted to green slug aliens.
ReplyDeleteHad this happened after, say, a week of interactions. Sure. I could see me and Mr. Green Slug Alien together, if I swung that way. It's all about personality. But a night? After him landing on me, essentially, and being accidentally dragged into my home? Nuh-uh.
But if it's fun for you to write, continue on, brave soldier. Write what makes YOU happy and screw the neigh-sayers. To be honest, I might keep up with this but I doubt it. I want to like HiE stories, really I do but I'm being kicked out of my bubble of 'willing suspension of disbelief' already. Here's hoping for the best though.
it's a little rushed, but yet i love it.
ReplyDeleteI read this just now, so I will comment (with some spoilers).
ReplyDeleteThe quickly changing relationship between Twilight and Trey is indeed very weird on many levels (not immediately talking about stuff and instead going to sleep; the simple willingness of Trey to be turned into a pony; Twilight even suggesting it; Trey seemingly not having any obligations). Yes its the random tag, but these things still sort of bother me, because they strain my suspension of disbelief. Also including these would make good joke fodder imo, if used right.
I also have to agree with the others that the mention of Applejack chasing after quick money is out of character. And since that comes right at the beginning, a lot of folks will get a bad impression right off the bat. Maybe rewriting that part a bit (simply say that Applejack is away on business) would help. Thou since none of the Ponies besides twilight have gotten much screen time yet, its unclear why you need to mention that Applejack is away at all.
You indeed saved yourself with the reveal of some meddling 3rd party in chapter 3, thou it does not really answer any questions yet and instead raises more. If you explain soon why things are weird between Twilight and Trey or at least make them both realize that something is weird (and freak out over it), it would help with believability.
Oh, I forgot to say:
ReplyDeleteI sort of dig the story so far, but it hinges on the reveal of the villain and the further relationship of Trey and the other ponies (I hope you will include more soon) if I can ultimately say I enjoyed it or not.
Liked chapter 3, but it could have been a bit longer. Nothing really happened in it. In the others, things were going on. For this one, the only thing that happened was Trey and Twi falling asleep.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but NNNNRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love Human in Equestria, but I was sorta hoping to read for hours on end. ]:[
It's funny, the jokes are very bad. everything that makes me laugh, and I want to read!
It's going to torture me until A few more chapters come out, Please By the love Celestia has for Luna! Please make more! And soon!
Thank you for the good story so far and as I said before...MAKE MORE!!!
Thanks d=(^.-)z
Doesn't have the cartoony charm of the series, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteTwilight acting completely stoic?
Apparently destroying a bed while drunk from Punch that Pinkie spiked? (Which was just an excuse for them to sleep together, mind you)
It's very out-of-character and very typical of a Fanfic from a 17-year-old.
I was kind of bothered by this chapter; every scene transition started with "someone was something-ing," which was a very drab way to start a scene. Boring. Just telling us what is going on.
ReplyDeleteI sense that there's a huge magical influence making Twilight like Trey, the only possible explanation. I get the feeling that Trey doesn't feel anything for Twilight, though, I think.
The villain seems like he'll be the crux of the fic; what he has done or planned will basically determine how good this is. But also work on showing more of the character and scenes, and telling us less.
Alright. You MIGHT have saved yourself with the reveal of a villain here that's manipulating events and emotions... on the other hand you might have just jumped off a building.
ReplyDeleteEverything hinges upon how you handle this villain now. If it's poorly handled then this entire story will fall apart at the seams. If the villain has been behind everything from Celestia to Twi and Trey's weirdness, to even Applejack's Get Rich Quick scheme thing, and he/she/it has a proper motivation, then this might be saved... so long as wen it's all revealed to the characters they have the proper reactions.
Tread lightly...
Feels odd, but cute. I kinda want everyone to meet Trey as a human and see their reactions.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say this. This story is indeed interesting. I like it, however, It's now treading in deep water.
ReplyDeleteI do not like the fact of a human + Twi. Thats in my mind, disgusting. Thanks to this villian, You can now have more freedom to change the story. However, you will still be treading in deep water.
Your next chapter will be the the one to either, kill it, or make it.
And I still did not decide what to rate this story. I will wait for the next chapter.
@RBD FAN
ReplyDeleteThey're both sentient and I kind of doubt the relationship would go to... that level, if you know what I mean.
Let's not do this again. Regardless of whether you like it or or not, be considerate of the rest and keep it to yourself.
ReplyDeleteWAIT A MINUTE
ReplyDeleteTHIS REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING
IS THIS LIKE, A DOUBLE PARODY OR SOMETHING?
I like it.
Well, I would just like to state that aside from gramatical slip up here and there, its an exelent story. I'm awaiting the release of it's future chapters.
ReplyDelete.
So all in all,
COOL STORY BRO. :D
um, insert an A inbetween 'from' and 'gramatical' would you?
ReplyDelete.
Psh, silly me. >_<
could you update this please... PLEASE ALREADY!
ReplyDeleteNO. Just NO. This ... I gave this a chance but it turned into self-insert fanwank with a layer of shipping and an unnecessary and awkward love septagon. No. No. NO. A thousand times no.
ReplyDeleteIf this is a parody of self-inserts and fanwank, PLEASE TELL ME. It's well written enough from a grammar standpoint and it's not BADLY DONE, but OH GOD THE PLOT NO PLEASE. I'm writing a self-insert fanwank thing and it will NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY because, seriously? How did this get past the pre-readers? HOW? No, scratch that, WHY? WHY did you submit this?
If this is a serious attempt ... hell, I may submit MY self-insert fanwank because evidently that's what EqD is now.
>:*(
>mfw EqD started accepting THIS crap.
Eh, I shouldn't be all nasty like this but come on. COME THE FREAK ON. This is almost a parody of itself. Is it? Is it just over my pointy little head? Am I not hip enough to get it? Am I somehow not getting the tongue in cheek joke of it? Am I taking this too seriously? ... probably, actually. If it is a parody, then this is exactly the reaction the author was going for from too-serious need to chill bronies like myself.
Ugh. UUUGGGGHHHH.
if you don't like it. DON'T READ IT.
ReplyDeletebut i like it. it's a nasty selfinsert shippy story. but I LIKE IT.
and evil pinkie?
I like the story. I don't care if it's (probably) a self-insert.
ReplyDeleteI want to make this clear to everypony here. This is NOT a self insert.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this story is supposed to come off strange, hence the [Random] tag. I am mentioning this stuff because I don't want you people thinking the wrong thing. But if you don't like it, then don't read it.
@Pook
ReplyDeleteI am working my way through these chapters, but after the first two I feel I need to comment.
First, it's worth pointing out that the [Random] tag does not act as a universal excuse to ignore literary criticism - at least, I hope not.
Stories can be "Random" and insane and yet still be excellently-written (see: Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker films like Airplane!). "It's Random, I ain't gotta explain manure!" is an unwise attitude.
That said, I am inclined to agree with some of the above comments. The arrival of the Human in Equestria - and their reaction - is a critical part of stories like these. Glossing over it so casually is jarring.
It's a PAYOFF moment for the reader - emphasize it! Think about Jurassic Park: a paleontologist sees a LIVE DINOSAUR. Even thought he knows exactly what it is, he isn't all "oh hey - brachiosaurus. neato!". Instead, the music swells, the camera pans out, and he is literally so shocked he can hardly stand up.
Even if the reaction is a happy one, it's hard to imagine a more profound shock than ending up in a fictional world - that should be more apparent.
Likewise, I agree with the comment that TS is WAY too cavalier (hurr hurr!) about the whole business - what it basically an ALIEN is all "Oh hey, I know tons about you!". What with how she reacted to Pinkie Sense, she needs to be a lot more suspicious and curious here.
Random or not, even the Animaniacs had consistent characterization.
I have to agree with saddlesoap. With the introduction of the antagonist, I think it's a little better, but two things are still jarring that I honestly think you should try and re-write: Trey's reaction to going to Ponyville, and something you need to work on is that Twilight took how Trey knew everything in absolute stride. I think it's... gosh. Just not realistic of Twilight, and I'm losing empathy for the situation quickly.
ReplyDeletefinally an update
ReplyDelete@Saddlesoap
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to excuse everything with the random tag. I know that I did not write the first two chapters well. But when I'm talking about it being random, I'm saying that things in the story may seem odd. I don't want to go calling the story a mystery, but there things mentioned earlier in the story that don't make sense now, but will later on, like in mystery stories.
Also, someone mentioned up in the earlier comments that there is no real 'proper' reaction to anything. Everyone is different, therefore everyone would have a different reaction. Now, I'm not using this as an excuse for how it was written, I do believe that it was written poorly, but also, there is a part in chapter four where it does explain why their reactions seemed wrong.
And if you hadn't read in one of my earlier comments, this is my first story, and this is a learning experience.
Forgive me if this came off as me sounding like a jerk, I'm not trying to be, I just wanted to make some points.
@Pook
ReplyDeleteNothing about building intrigue into the nature of your conflict or complications necessarily has to do with mystery, or random; it's normal for basically any writing to do this. DRAMA.
Everyone would respond differently, but the least likely, least realistic, and most mary-sue response is unabated bliss, which is what Trey had. It was also not met with anything else about his life or what-not.
Erm, yes, first story is fine, but proofreaders don't hurt.
HAH, love the story. Nice twist with pinkie pie. Just wanting to throw a party riiiight?
ReplyDeleteokay well this story is too short. I finished in like 10 mins.. WTF BRO.
ReplyDeleteChapter 4 was pretty unexpected. Good job.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, finally! Something to casually read while I wait for myself to respawn in Gears of War 2. And I mean no disrespect by that whatsoever, regardless of how weird that statement right now just sounded.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though; this is quite entertaining, to be honest. Sure, it's a casual read, and not very deep or entirely sane (in general concept, anyway), but by the COG, this is turning out to be more interesting by the chapter.
Despite what some ponies might say about OOC's and general offishness, you should stick to your guns, Pook. A little bit of practice goes a long way, and let me just say you've picked quite a peculiar theme to practice with.
All in all, a marshmallowy-light and fun read for anyone looking to kill time and get a laugh or two. Or three. Probably with some chuckles thrown in.
4 and-a-half Stars for this, if there were any such rating. Keep it up, you've earned yourself another reader!:D
Or maybe you 'lured' yourself another reader, is what I should say. I dunno, either way works.
LAST TIME IN A COMMENT BY ME:
ReplyDelete(Alright. You MIGHT have saved yourself with the reveal of a villain here that's manipulating events and emotions... on the other hand you might have just jumped off a building.
Everything hinges upon how you handle this villain now. If it's poorly handled then this entire story will fall apart at the seams. If the villain has been behind everything from Celestia to Twi and Trey's weirdness, to even Applejack's Get Rich Quick scheme thing, and he/she/it has a proper motivation, then this might be saved... so long as wen it's all revealed to the characters they have the proper reactions.
Tread lightly... )
NOW, BACK TO THE SHOW!!
...Pinkie Pie is the Villain...
Well congrats. You just jumped off a building.
You know, that might have worked if you had spent time building up intrigue and mystery and dropping subtle hints here and there, but as it is it just came right the hell out of left field and feels so out of place. You don't get a "BIG REVEAL" four chapters in and certainly not only one chapter after the villain has even been established. It makes no sense in the context of the show, and there's been nothing to indicate in the story that Pinkie is at all nefarious.
I'll call the coroner's office. This story is dead.
^Then again, hang on... I was just a bit hasty wasn't I?
ReplyDeleteTHere was that letter... holy crap I just remembered the letter. It was Pinkie's letter wasn't it?
Alright, subtle hinting achieved. Now that I remember that it works a bit better.
Alright then, sorry about freaking out in the comment above, you still might be able to save the story then. Still, tread very lightly. Things still make no sense and things are still very jarring in this story. If you want my suggestion, focus the next chapter on Pinkie Pie.
Sorry bout that slight overreaction...
@Acriaos
ReplyDelete"Celestias letter seemed as if written by Pinkie Pie"
Have you read part 4 yet? That comment is... well.. I don't want to ruin anything. Go read part 4.
Phew!
ReplyDeleteI see a london, I see france, I see a LOT of people foaming at the mouth about this story.
Although, I do understand some of the complaints considering the relationship between Twilight and Trey. It still kinda makes me hesistant on submitting anything else to EQ, especially with reactions like THIS. >__>
Talk about "love and tolerance," sheesh.
Besides that, I'm willing to expand my disbelief and continue reading your stuff. I'm honestly curious as to Pinkie's role in this whole thing.
Just try to ease up on the shipping. After all, Slow and steady win the race.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMy word you are quite an arrogant one aren't you? Wordy, but yet basically in the most demeaning manner you can get.
To say "Save the story", why should the author obey the whims of someone he has never met? It is his story, and you are being an arrogant, intolerant, and unloving fellow.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteApparently, a lot of people don't like marshmallows.
I do, even when they don't make any sense at all. :D
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteHa! "Save the story", I took that quote completely out of context and imagined some anon demanding a gonzo clopfic.
Aaanyway, I'm liking where this is going, it's actually a fairly clever reason for dragging a human into Equestria; Pinkie knows we're watching, and she's watching right back. Covetously, it would seem.
In Trey's position, I would be very much okay with this.
Wow, I just found everyone's comments just ammusing. Though Pook, you might need to slow things down a bit. If you want to go in a serious direction with this fic. You might need to go back and edit Twilight's reactions to Trey's arrival and get an immediate explanation from him about why he knew so much about Equestria.
ReplyDeleteThe "Strange Immediate Attraction" does seem very off. Though if you can pull off the romance if they interacted over a few weeks of his arival. Seeing past his human origins to see the person inside making it what truly counts for her to acknowledge her own feelings. I'd be able to respect that.
With Pinkie Pie as the antagonist... Very left field here. But it'd be nice to know why she specifically targeted Trey instead of having some other villain want to cause an upset in the balance of the universe by having a being from another dimension arive.
I can only see her lurking ponychan or Equestria Daily, finding out that Trey himself was trolling about her, got pissed off and want to exact revenge for him making fun of her from another dimension XD
i like this series, i was fearing thw orst when it said shipping, and human in equestria, but so far t hasnt been anything disgusting and so on. keep going dude
ReplyDeletehugs, Happy brony
Dude...My name is Trey, And i thought i originally came up with this idea. Would you happen to have taken this idea from someone by the name lilinuyasha? would your characters name happen to be...Trey Love? I swear you stole this from me, dude.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteDid you write this story out yourself dude? And Pook is taking credibility? I've searched your username and any other fanfic made by that username. No results so far. You gotta have proof before you accuse someone.
I also think Pook got his idea from this fanfic.
http://www.ponyfictionarchive.net/story.php?story=120
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteActually, I didn't take any ideas from anything, I came up with it all by my self.
Trey had posted a fanfic idea similar to my story about a week ago on flankbook. However, I already started my story long before that. Here's the original ponychan thread: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/17593.html
Trey does have a right to accuse me, considering I even used his name (but not last name because I don't have a last name for my character!). However, I had started my story before he posted anything, and he didn't realize that.
All in all, I didn't steal anything from anybody.
You know, it's kind of sad. I was actually really interested in the story, particularly with Twilight curious about how Trey knows of the MLP world and her. It just makes it all the more sad that I couldn't bring myself to read past the part where Twilight suddenly sleeps next to him. It was so random and out of place and character that it was really jarring.
ReplyDeleteIt's actually kind of frustrating. I want to like this story, but I can't bring myself to read any further.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYou wanna talk about hard to read?!
Read Drax Dragon's Fanfiction "Angst Much!" I was floored laughing my ass off and scarring myself while reading further into it.
The main character Drax PLOWED Twilight, Rainbow Dash, AND Pinkie Pie! ALL IN ORDER! In the first half of the story, and he's a freaking human turned pony du to plot convenience and odd logic!
But alas, after the PLOW was put back in the barn, it started gaining a good storyline going. He even freaking married Pinkie Pie and stayed in Equestria.
AND HAD BABIES DUE TO TROLLESTIA!
ReplyDelete... And now this turns into an OOC Lesbian Rainbow Dash fic. I'm done reading this. :/
ReplyDelete*Pulls collar of shirt*
ReplyDeletengh...I...uh...don't know what to say about this latest chapter.
It appears Trey is getting shipped with everypony. I wonder how the author is going to pull off FlutterTrey
ReplyDeleteCould this be anymore of a shameless gary stu self insert!?!
ReplyDelete0/10
Momma Pony always told me "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
ReplyDeleteBut, I just have to point out, this story makes me feel REALLY uncomfortable.
I've read the other comments, and I realize the author maintains this is not a self-insert. But, wow, it REALLY feels like a Mary Sue gone horribly array.
I feel like this is the work of a new writer. Things just seem to work out perfectly and goes from event to event with little or no self conflict in between resulting in a basic story that could be very good. Everything that has happened so far in the story could have been stretched out over a span of two or so weeks (in the story of course, not irl.) For instance, I don't think Trey and Rainbow Dash should not have had such a connection on a first meet. Perhaps have Trey invite her to breakfast at Sweet Apple Acres, but then Rainbow could suggest a cafe in town to avoid obvious awkwardness. Then they could have a pleasant talk and maybe some flirting. Sorry if I sound a little judgmental, just some of my thoughts on the work.
ReplyDeleteI like this story. It seems innocent enough (so far), and It's kinda nice to watch the reactions of some regular brony as he experiences the impossible. I have to admit, as bad as life is in the real world, I'd surely imagine some people would find this to be their ultimate fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI say, let the guy do his story. So far, it seems good, and I look forward to when it updates. Besides, this way, 42 other people won't have to make bad attempts at their own fics. Leave it at one nice one.
Also it wouldn't be a legit fan fic if Dash wasn't shipped with at least 14.3 things, sentient or not, some 4 at once. :D
I'm okay with this Dash direction he's going in.
ReplyDeleteI dunno but I like this story. Maybe I just have a bad taste, then.
ReplyDeleteMMMMŌØÖÔÅÂÄĀRRRR¡¡¡¡
ReplyDelete@Unknown
ReplyDeleteYou are correct, I am a new writer, but there is something I should mention. Pretty much everything written so far, including the interaction between characters, has been written a certain way for a certain reason, a reason which will be revealed later on in the story. There is a specific reason why Rainbow had such a connection to Trey. Also, Trey was able to cheer her up when she was down, making her take a liking to him.
>right after RD's thinking, there's a hint of present tense. Even if it's a change in personality or growth of a character, it's still stated in past.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, for your first fanfic, this is pretty good! The first two chapters felt like some weird self insertion and shipping (as many have already said), but I like where this series is going. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete...Proceed.
ReplyDeleteMOAR
ReplyDeleteAll that constan mentions "It's something special happens", "Trey is special" and "just as planned" are really annoying
ReplyDeleteAlso, sometimes story looks like that (exaggerating):
ReplyDelete"Trey, meet somepony" - wow cool!
"Somepony, meet Trey" - wow, instant best buddies!
i cant tell you how much i came when i saw you update part 6
ReplyDeleteI liked it at first, mostly just because it was entertaining, but seriously. Write some damn exposition, and give the characters some motivation for their actions. I could understand how maybe Twilight and Rainbow might instantly like Trey, especially since Dash was emotionally vulnerable at the moment, but this trend of everyone he meets instantly liking him is getting obnoxious. A good story does not just describe a series of events, it give good reasons for why those events happened.
ReplyDeleteAlso, make the chapters longer.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMe too!
@RainbowDat
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly why most ponies hate HiE, self-insert-style fics
Me included.
I waited a while to rate this, simply because I was hoping it would get better. I can understand where you're logically coming from with half of these events. Trey probably has some sort of magic shiz going on that makes him irresistible to them, or at least, that's what I'm getting.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this isn't even hinted at and it gives the story the appearance of yet another self insertion mary-sue wish-fulfillment story. I can see it's not this, but it darn well looks like it.
Overall I really see where this is going, and I won't spoil it for anyone if I'm right. It's a really good idea you have going, just poorly executed. Two stars for effort.
This is obviously about me, considering I like ponies (obviously) and who wouldn't want to be a pegasus? You'd be yourself, just 20% cooler.
ReplyDeleteTwilight was seriously out of character, right from the start. She's far too composed-- and quickly far too comfortable with Trey's presence. You'll recall that her usual reaction to something going wrong is to FREAK. Followed quickly by frantic machine-gun questions and scrambling through her books. And having a human follow her back to Equestria qualifies as "something going wrong."
ReplyDeleteSorry but the princess is in another castle lmfao
ReplyDeleteErm... Moar?
ReplyDeleteAnother shitty self-insert story? Great...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Pook
ReplyDeleteTake the truly constructive criticism to heart, because that's how you grow as a writer; ignore the neighsayers. No matter how original or well-written something is, there will always be people either dissing it due to it not being their cup of tea, or because they want to prematurely judge it. I'd HOPED that our fellow bronies would be kinder in their criticism, but we're all human. Don't let it get to you.
Also...this is YOUR story. This is your expression of your love for ponies, and no one has the right to judge you for it. Even if it was a self-insert. If you're planning to share it with other people, sure you have to tweak it a bit for your audience, but don't let other people's judgement of your genre anger you or bring you down. Smile, nod, and keep writing because you love writing, and you love FiM. : )
Love and tolerance, hon. :3
@Pook
ReplyDeleteEugh, I've been supportive of this from the start but this post made me mad.
First thing, you're ignoring the concrit. There's lots of posts about lack of in character for Twilight and the lack of explanation. You've made two mentions of this magic that's effecting Trey, but you look at how Arddun Lleuad did it, and it was a lot more stunning; even to the reader, and in first person, it was /creepy/ how infatuated he was with the Moon. Here, it's just everyone hitting on him. There's no insight to their actions. Even if it is magic, the magic would be making them think certain justifications for their actions, and we just arent' getting any of those either.
I give up with this. It feels so much like wish fulfillment that I can't stand it anymore.
@Shannon
ReplyDeleteAnd indirectly referencing you, I'm now saying that this particular fic isn't quite my cup of tea.
A spot of interest here and there, but meh; a few kindly tweaks to some of the loose screws (not implying anything mentally disturbed, mind you) in the unusual, somewhat OOC-ness of the characters should do the fic a lot of good.
But honestly, though, I keep reading your story regardless. There couldn't have been any more reason for me to keep on doing what I'm doing if not for the fact that Pinkie apparently has a significant scheme set into motion here.
Keep Practicing, Keep Writing, Keep At It!
~One of the many mottos I go by, particularly when literature is concerned.
I can't wait for more ^.^
ReplyDeleteAlso, it isn't funny or random yet. What randomness that could have been derived from the silliness of Aj from the start of the fic is made into a totally serious curve about Dash being incredibly sad.
ReplyDeleteThere is no comedy yet.
“Your kinda cute in person.”
ReplyDeleteI was liking the story, up until this abomination unto the English language.
One-star!
though really, it's a decent story so far.
haven't read this but i have been inordinately amused by the comments and i have to say man, if you were getting only one or two complaints about OOCness or this fanfic looking like a godawful self-insertion fantasy, you might be justified in ignoring them. but if you're getting the steady stream of such comments as you are getting here, maaaaaaaybe you should think about it.
ReplyDeleteMan, alot of anon wrote long ass reviews. Dude, whats up with that? Think someones gonna hate you if they know who you are?
ReplyDeletePersonally, I like the story. A few parts have me scratching my head, but overall its good.
Not sure what to say! It certainly has gotten a lot of negative responses, but I kinda like it. I, however, beige a wannabe writer, usually try to wait until a story is completed before I rate it, so... XD there have been a few good jokes, so good work there!
ReplyDeleteMy guess: doppleganger or shiftshaper. Yeah.
Also, if you ever want/need a pre-reader, I specialize in grammar, so... Yeah! Just drop me a line, if you want! Anyhoof, catch ya later Brony!
Not sure if self-insert...or just Mary Sue.
ReplyDeleteHowever it's...okay. Not getting any real comedy vibes, or drama, or anything. It just sorta sits on the middle of everything.
Chapters are too short. Make them longer, and also update more often.
ReplyDeleteWhiny Anons? IGNORE! Come back when you grow a persona!
ReplyDeleteConsidering all the earlier rage and STILL 3.5 tars I think this is well worth a read.
MUST HAS A BOOK VERSION ABOUT THIS! <3!!
ReplyDeleteI just feel really awkward when I read this.
ReplyDeleteNo bueno. No me gusta.
ReplyDelete@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteAs I said, I'm going back and rewriting the OOC Twilight parts.
And yeah, about the random and comedy, it was closer to that when I had ideas for the story, but it just never came out that way.
@Pook
ReplyDeleteActually, let me correct myself. I'm going over the entire story so far, and editing what needs to be edited.
From my point of view the biggest thing that this story has going against it is that it really wasn't paced to be read a bit at a time over several weeks. It's becoming clear that most if not all of the characters are being magically manipulated, even Pinkie (who thought she was the one in control but is starting to realize that she's being played as well). Once you realize that everyone from Twilight on down (probably including Trey) is under a subtle compulsion it's a lot easier to understand where the seeming OOC behavior is coming from.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great story, but I'm not really understanding what Pinkie Pie and Celestia are doing, but then again, it's not finished.
ReplyDeleteRead it and found it quite pleasant ^.^ Was looking for a fic to keep me occupied and while i usually don't like shipfics, or human in equestria stoof, i thought i'd give this look and i was quite surprised! Can't wait for more :D
ReplyDeletepook, i offer a bro-hoof. well played, well played
ReplyDeleteDude, this is so awesome! Why doesn't anyone like it? I think it's great, everyone just, I don't even know . . .
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good story so far! Can't wait for Chapter 7, I really hope you don't get out much, because that way, you can write more. Most of the stories take, what seems to be to me, an alicorn's lifetime to update, but they do have other things to do. I have 6 stories, including this, on my "To-Read" that I always check almost hourly to see if there's an update. This is a really nice story, and I am starting to take an interest into shipping.
ReplyDeleteMoar! I luv fan fic! Theyyy'rrrree GREAT!
ReplyDeleteUhhhhhhh im sorta confused right now. (Spoiler alert) Why did luna need to be locked away again? I feel like that wasn't very well explained. Don't get me wrong because im enjoying the story i just feel that came from no where. Or did i miss something? P.s. nice mario reference
ReplyDeleteRead comments, meh, no surprises there. I read the story and found I liked it just fine :) Surprised me as I've never been much for the human in equestria gig. look forward to more! Keep up the good work
ReplyDelete@AnonymousWell, from the style of writing so far, i think it's one of those things that we just have to wait and find out later.
ReplyDelete@Choogis
ReplyDeleteExactly. :3
I don't know why I even read this, I usually don't like stories with humans, but this one is really good, can't wait for the next update :D
ReplyDeleteI've imagined going to equestria quite a bit and I'm also a huge Twilight fanboy (that sounds weird to say, I don't mean the book btw). So even though this story isn't quite at the same writing level as a few of the fanfics I've read, I'm loving the hell out of it.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this so far, mainly as its like a dream come tree (bar the shipping). Would love to be in Equestria ^_^
ReplyDelete*reads end of Chapter 4*
ReplyDeleteWHUT.
*mind starts leaking out of ears*
Moar.
ReplyDeleteADD MOAR NOW!!!
ReplyDeletePlease update this, it's awesome :D
ReplyDeleteDead . . . Probably
ReplyDelete@ZSurvivalist
ReplyDeleteStill with hope here
@Raph0n
ReplyDeleteYeah, but it's slowly dying within my heart... even IF it's updated soon, I'd have to reread everything to remember what's happened. If the Author doesn't say something soon, then I give up. I'm sick and tired of waiting for fanfics to update, just to have them die RIGHT as I start reading them.
YOU HEAR THAT, POOK?! The GREAT and POWERFUL Trevor does NOT like to be kept waiting in the dark! Either update, or at LEAST let us know what's going on! It's called common curtesy! (Impatient much? Yes, yes one is. If one is rude, then sorry, but please, at least inform us what's going on!)
~ Magical Trevor
@The GREAT and POWERFUL Trevor He replied to me at Deviantart saying that he´s having problems with time to write. Just wait trevor, the chapter will come.
ReplyDelete@Freekles1245
ReplyDeleteMy Reaction:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_VheAwZBuQ
@ZSurvivalist lol
ReplyDeleteNot exactly horrible.
ReplyDeleteBut it is somewhat above mediocre.
I will admit, chapter 2 made me cringe a bit.
For example, you would think that one would be, ah, more alert and careful. This character shows otherwise. I would almost go as far as to call the character stupid. You'd wonder, doesn't he have anything else he is interested in besides ponies?
Some parts could also have been better worded, such as this one. Also, the reactions seem... Unnatural. Rather silly to be honest.
“Where’s Spike?”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “How do you-” she paused, then shook her head. “Another time. Anyway, Spike’s on an... errand, for the princess. He will be back tomorrow, which is when I will contact Princess Celestia about this... situation.” She stood up, her gaze looking him up and down. “That reminds me. How were you able to teleport with me? That spell only works for ponies, not to mention only one target. Did you use a spell or an item of some kind?”
((Trey laughed. “Man, if we had magic, that would be so cool!” His mind then wandered to the many things he could do with magic, and he turned to stare out the window. However, Twilight derailed his train of thought.))
*If anything, most would have been a bit more cautious, after all, would you want to botch up relations with a magical and most powerful pony race?*
But I digress, I still haven't read most of this so far. Given time, my opinion may change. For the most part, I have no quarrels with the story, but Trey as a character and his dialogue could be improved.
I'm not gonna lie. I really do like this story, well, except for whatever happened to Luna.
ReplyDeleteWhat font is this story written in?
ReplyDeleteI really need to know.
Well considering this story has died, i was actually dissapointed =( I quite liked the story and wish the author would continue writing more! Puppy please?
ReplyDeleteI keep a link to this page and check it periodically. I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten about it. I have extremely infrequent uploads on my youtube channel so I understand.
ReplyDeleteto whoever is wondering, this story is NOT dead
ReplyDeletei checked the deviantart version of chapter 6 and the author (Pook) says there WILL be more. so just be patient there will be an update
Hey guys. It's me, the writer.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have not updated in a loooong time.
No, I am not discontinuing the story.
And I apologize for the massive delay.
Let's just say my life has been very busy and stressful. It's not that I don't enjoy writing, I do. I just have not been able to find the time/energy to write, and I really am sorry. But don't worry! There will be more.