[Sad][Normal] The last in the well-regarded Pony Psychology series. You can find the others on the blog as well:
Rarity: Loss
Fluttershy: Origins
Pinkie Pie: Schism
Rainbow Dash: Dependence
Applejack: Exposure
Any future chapters will make their home on this post, since Twilight Sparkle is the BEST pony.
Author: Saddlesoap Opera
Description: Princess Celestia tells Twilight Sparkle a secret that will change the way she sees her friends - and herself - forever. The final chapter in the main plot of the Pony Psychology Series.Twilight Sparkle: Spellbound
Additional Tags: Psychological, Emotional, Long, Friendship, Magic
122 comments:
Looking forward to seeing what will happen after the... interesting way Rarity's chapter ended.
ReplyDeleteOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOGMDFASHMAKSDFHNGAKFHG
ReplyDelete*READS*
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!! You dont know how long i have waited for this O.O this series rocked my pony brain. I NEED TO BE AWAKE to read this . . im too tired . .. i will post again as i finish. I place this story set up there with Sunset as one of my favs!!
ReplyDeleteI agree, Twilight Sparkle is the BEST pony!!!
ReplyDeleteOkay, is this really it this time? I don't think I can stand to be disappointed again.
ReplyDelete*Checks the link*
yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.jpg
i second that twilight sparkle rocks and that picture is an awesome desktop background
ReplyDeleteDO WANTTTTTTTTT
ReplyDeleteWhoa...10,000,000 pageviews and a near-instant response to my reposted story links.
ReplyDeleteDashMode Engage: Best! Day! Ever!
@ saddlesoap
ReplyDeletethats cause you wrote an awesome story bro
I'd say this qualifies as a satisfying conclusion to the tension and suspense that every part leading up to this created. Well-written with some really neat conceptual stuff going on, and I love the nod to Luna's Abacus, very subtle and not overplayed. 5 stars.
ReplyDeleteEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee*pops*
ReplyDeleteThat... Yes. That was the perfect end to an INCREDIBLE story. I love each and every word you wrote. This isn't a 6-gold-star story; it's a 12 billion platinum moon story.
<3
WAIT!
ReplyDelete"The final chapter in the main plot of the Pony Psychology Series."
THERE'S GONNA BE MORE!?!?!?!?!?!?
*dies of excitement*
For lack of a better word, this is... beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOne would be hard pressed to find a superior work of fiction, in OR out of the MLP community.
Thank you, I really hope you have the urge to write for us again.
I loved this series that end was amazing simply amazing
ReplyDeleteI thought he was going to fix that picture (the whole cutie mark '6 stars around the center symbol instead of 5' thing)
ReplyDelete*slowclap*
ReplyDeleteHmm. [SPOILERS]
ReplyDeleteI have... mixed feelings. I don't quite know how to explain it. The way you wrapped things up... Well, it works I suppose. The cliffhanger you left us with last time... I don't know. Its not what I suspected. Perhaps it was just dealt with a bit to quickly. Its quite of a bitter pill to swallow and there isn't to much time to absorb the information regarding it. Its rather unsatisfying and it all gets accepted a bit to easily.
Luna is still showing a mean streak, perhaps a lingering part of Nightmare Moon... That is also a bit hard to take. Especially since it doesn't really get addressed.
Twilight's visits to her friends... Well, yeah, ok. Some work very nicely, others a bit less. In general though, I liked the descriptions. Some of the Tarot readings were very nicely done as well.
However, what really gets to me, in the back of my mind whilst reading all of it I can't help but think about how Twilight will have to say goodbye to them all. In a way it helps that apparently she can decide when its enough, but still... Its no the first time a story considers immortality due to the Elements, but to my knowledge previous stories at least allow the other bearers the choice to either accept immortality or not.
I struggle with the idea of considering Twilight's Element more powerful or important then the others. I suppose I can see why you went with that angle. But it does bother me. I guess this was not the ending I was hoping for.
However, I realize that most of the above is not so much criticism as me voicing personal opinion. So yeah... Its just a matter of taste probably. It surely will mull through my head for a bit, so there is that. :P
Yeah, I don't even remotely have enough command of my language skills to do this story justice after reading that. I honestly expected to be disappointed after the furious buildup at the end of Rarity's story. And sweet holy damn was I wrong. 6/5.
ReplyDeleteThis is the best story ever is just beutiful and perfect
ReplyDeleteHeh...... this made my day from a terrible catastrophe into something great.
ReplyDeleteLove to see good pieces of fiction being finished in such a grandiose manner, if you wish to continue writing please feel free to do so, I shall follow your posts.
The only thing I have a problem with was the ease in which Pinkie got rid of her "problem"... I kinda have a similar problem, and it doesn't go away that easily. In fact, getting that self-loathing to go away for even a little while takes MUCH longer than just a casual conversation...
ReplyDeleteWere you affected by the goggle doc apocalypses?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise would it be too much to ask for a google docs link?
I mean.... if it doesn't bother you.....
I was worried that the series was going to decline sharply in quality (SUDDENLY! Crazy Tyrant Celestia out of nowhere!) after the end of the 5th chapter. To my complete and pleasant surprise, you not only made SENSE of that, but you also delivered a satisfying and, for want of a a better word, enchanting conclusion.
ReplyDeleteA terrific read, and a worthy end for what is without doubt one of the best pony story series out there. Hat's off to you, Sir.
Son of a bitch. You pulled it off. Just... damn.
ReplyDelete6/5 for the whole lot.
*Applauds*
I have a lot of praise for this but some issues as well.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, the bad: it felt rushed after Twilight arrived in Ponyville. I mean, I suppose the elements of harmony should be more attentive to Magic, but at the same time she only used, at the most, TWO LINES, to totally change and help them realize the errors of their ways. That isn't exactly how self-realization and personal growth works. I know that you didn't reveal their thoughts really, but you did it... so quickly, it just felt like a quick way to wrap things up.
But other than that, I loved the story. The problems each of them had, the issues that developed during the story from previous chapters, exceptional cliff-hanger usage, and a powerful canon with very strong and startling implications. It is all done very very well.
I'd say my favorite chapters were Dependence/Exposure. They were just hilarious and had so much conflict that was well explained and paced great. The last chapter... I honestly think was just a bit rushed. Very quickly wrapped up. Though the tarot things were great.
Kyaaaaaa...so cute. I loved the tarot card thing, that really added to the finale.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAt first I was like D:
ReplyDeleteThen I was like o.O
Now Im all like :D
Purely because of this awesome story. Looks like you managed to pull off a 6/5 once again.
I love your series and the ending was just superb. I truly wish that I'd be able to find more dignified praises for your work but your writing has left me speechles.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is I LOVE IT!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI was indeed a victim, yes.
I decided to go with FF.net from now on.
Sorry for the inconvenience to any who don't like that site.
Also, further thanks for everypony's kind praise and well-reasoned critiques.
----------------
[SPOILERS]
@Baree: To a certain extent it's meant to be jarring; TS is forced to confront it pretty abruptly. I considered an epilogue set about four generations later, and I may write one at some point, but really the point is: we ALL have to say goodbye to everypony eventually. That's why it's so important to cherish them. (audience: DAWWWWW!)
Also, yes, Luna has some residual bitterness in this series; she may also get a story to work her through it.
---------------
@Asgard314: A fair point, but I did try to emphasize that a large part of the Ponies' issues stem from their Elements "reaching out" to Twilight; the less aloof she became, the better and more normal they felt. The idea was inspired by the thought that the group's idiosyncratic actions during the search for the castle in Episode Two were partially influenced by the "pull" of the Elements.
I am VERY aware that "natural" bleak emotions can be highly resilient.
----------------------------
TL;DR Version: Thanks for the comments!
Can this page get set up in a way that makes it clear what the order for the stories are?
ReplyDeleteI want to put the series on the GTP Bronies recommended fan fic list, but I'd prefer to just link to this page rather than linking to each individual story page.
@Baree Well, I did have many of the same thoughts, so there is some basis there.
ReplyDelete(Spoilers ahead)
I felt that some of the visits wrapped things up a little too easily, with little introspection on the part of the Element in question. Instead it seems that sometimes a slightly quicker, "easier" approach was taken.
Luna didn't really fit how I see her, but considering her personality is essentially undressed so far in the show, that's obviously a matter of opinion. I would have liked to see a little more closure on her situation too, but that's clearly another story entirely.
And yeah, Twilight's Element being more powerful somehow could be a bit off-putting, but I personally thought it was fitting. It does seem to be portrayed as that way in the series, after all. It's expressed as the Element that unites all the others; brings them together. So, yes, it's most certainly a cornerstone, although not necessarily more powerful. (Note that the physical representation in the show is a tiara, unlike a necklace like the others.)
Still, it was a very effective, and certainly intriguing wrap-up to the story. I was worried you wouldn't be able to bring all the stories together, but they seemed to come to a cohesive end well. You had my attention the entire read; well done overall.
Hmmm
ReplyDeleteGreat way to wrap up, but my issues with it have been voiced by others as well.
It feels just a bit fast. Fluttershy's intervention was the only one I really thought was "right". and Rarity's felt completely broken.
Bitter angry Luna is sad luna... :'''''''C
Loved the Tarots.
I like how you said specified that Twilight was free to choose how ever long it is she wanted to be immortal. it might be something that others missed due to the wording but it really means alot.
6/5
That was an awesome ending to what had originally looked to be a huge tragedy. Sadness averted and amazingly not in any way hokey.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first saw Xiao Ma, I thought this this was first use of a non-punny name.
ReplyDeleteWell played sir, well played.
First, I just want to say that this series is incredibly amazing
ReplyDelete...But I just simply cannot accept Twilight's Immortality, It makes me so sad...
I was really skeptical... I really was. I didn't think there was any possible way you could pull it all together without leaving someone unhappy... But no. You did it. You really did it.
ReplyDeleteAnd that ending. God. Serious goosebumps.
Bravo.
Really. Bravo.
Jesus christ! How horrifying! All hanging on streams, sanity depending on their relationships and the dilemmas of life and death hanging over their heads. Just like real life.
ReplyDeleteYAYYYYYYYYYY happy ending is happy. 5/5 for the whole series
ReplyDelete@Saddlesoap: It's not that I hate the site, it's just makes it easier to save your work for future generations.
ReplyDelete@Harakou
ReplyDeleteI look at it in the opposite way. When all the other elements are together, the 6th one is revealed. Therefore, its not the 6th one that binds them together... Rather, when the other 5 are combined the 6th element, the one that makes friendship so great, becomes apparent. Magic isn't the cause of friendship, its the result.
I have a few comments about the story. For one, let me say that your entire series was amazingly well done. This is an awesome plotline that I think everyone fanfic reading brony should experience.
ReplyDeleteAs for this particular episode in it, I have good and bad things to say. Mostly good.
When Twilight was in the castle, I liked how you took the plot in general, but it really felt rushed. I think more could have been done to tie that particular section together, and it felt almost disproportionate with the emotional reaction (at times), but otherwise I FRICKIN COMMEND YOU on a fantastic job at wrapping up a story with more conflicts than the Middle East.
I've been reading some of the better fanfics in the fandom, but this was the turning point. I think I'm going to write something, and this series was the wave that made the final push to get me there. Well, well done.
Holy hell, wanna set of Pony Tarot cards now. Someone make one ASAP!
ReplyDelete@Condor: I very nearly manly-tear'd, right there. No joke - being an inspiration is some of the best praise a writer can get. Thank you!
ReplyDelete@Drax: Yes...I'd love to conceptualize the whole set at some point. I had already taken down the notes for that part of the story when that tarot spread got posted a few days ago; great minds!
Hot sauce. Mmmmmmm
ReplyDelete>What in Pony Hell was killing me and bringing me back supposed to teach me!
ReplyDelete-Twilight has a fait point there. This was certainly quite the flawed way to teach her 'that'.
>The curse!
-...well... guess it's time to mumble midly-angrily and wonder where I left my *Boot to the Head* ? ...oh, a mildly satisfactory explanation, I guess it's 'ok' then, almost, relatively speaking.
>…and eternal
-Meeeehhh, I don't know... Not sure. Seems a bit like a stretched excuse that it's only for 'Magic' just because, well, hum... Magic !?
I mean, immortal?, it's all good and dandy for Twilight, but...
Even if she's the key, why not the others too ? Even if it's just an extention of life ? They are ELEMENTS of harmony too, it's like saying because she the 6th that the other 5 are worth nothing... Doesn't look balanced.
...For the rest... The individual parts of each of the (EQUALY important) Bearers were interesting... even if I wonder where the heck the story between RD and Fluttershy went ? Forgotten ?
As was said above, I didn't like how only Twilight was immortal and not the other Elements. It just makes it seem like Twilight is the only important one of the Elements and the others are worth nothing.
ReplyDeleteKick. Ass. Bit of a stretch on the opening scene, but still.
ReplyDeletethat was FUCKING AMAZING! and those poems of each character literally had me smiling like pinkie pie at the beauty of them all, you got a talent man and im proud to have read these
ReplyDeleteVery good read. Only problem is with how Twilight handled Celestia ordering her killed. She cooled down way too quickly for my liking; Celestia just had way too much to answer for; killing Twilight, not even having the backbone to do it herself and then blowing off her frightened and confused and let's not forget, newly-resurrected student for some state meeting, and not bothering to tell Twilight or her friends that their elements would probably cause them serious psychological harm...
ReplyDeleteI felt really sorry for Celestia in Sunset when she showed up, but here I was seriously hoping Eos would make an appearance.
Plus I'm in the same boat as Asgard, those kinds of feelings can literally ruin your life, the cause is different here (and so easily remedied) but the effect is the same, and Celestia all but inflicted them on Pinkie and everyone else.
A great ending to this series, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteSure, I may not be the greatest fan of shipping, so some parts of the previous chapters were a chore for me personally to power through, but I really loved how this all wrapped up.
I wonder in Twilight will become the next ruler someday, seeing as she is now an eternal element of magic.
Can anyone do me the kind favor of giving me a list of the stories as they happen in chronological order to the story timeline? I'd really appreciate it, as I've only read Rarity and Twilight's chapters.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAccording the the blog dates when these were posted. The order of the list should go like this:
Fluttershy: Origins
Pinkie Pie: Schism
Rainbow Dash: Dependence
Applejack: Exposure
Rarity: Loss
Twilight Sparkle: Spellbound
@ Anonymous
ReplyDeleteFluttershy, then Pinkie, then Dash, then Applejack, then Rarity, then Twilight.
Fluttershy's starts immediately before the end of The Best Night Ever. Pinkie's takes place a little bit later, and starting with Pinkie's story they all flow directly into each other.
Ending is nice. Could continue with Luna & Celestia.
ReplyDeleteTruly a work of literary art.
ReplyDeleteAs entertaining as this chapter (and indeed the whole story arc) was, I was a touch confused on how you structured the beginning. Though I could see why you'd want to basically set up a fervid cliffhanger at the end of your previous chapter 'Rarity: Loss', after reading through this latest chapter I am still mystified by Celestia's order to "kill" Twilight Sparkle in order to simply prove a point (the point being that she is immortal). My question is: couldn't Celestia just state Twilight's permanent health condition outright instead of setting up a lavish scenario in which a sword would rip through Twilight's flesh? It certainly would be less shocking, and I again could see why you went with that choice to make your final chapter more riveting as the former), but it ended up just confusing me.
ReplyDeleteI was also lost on Applejack's situation. I felt as though her chapter's loose ends were not tightly tied up whilst approaching the end of the story as a whole. Sure, she has made up and is again with her friends, but what of her "secret" love interest with Rainbow Dash? Does she just accept that Rainbow has already someone in her life and move on? I felt that a little more explaining would have been nice.
All in all, I apologize for my criticisms. I will restate that this story was entertaining to read and kept me hooked long past the normal bedtime. Really, this response should be a testament to how much I enjoyed reading your creation, for I never really write (and continue to post) such long response comments, and if you have already answered my questions in the story (if I've overlooked the key details accidentally) or in a previous post, I am sorry to be of a bother. Once again, I thank you for sharing your work to the community, and I look forward to your next writing!
Impressive. I was really worried after the last two chapters. I thought we were taking a hard left into misery porn, but I think it pulled out the stops. Unbelievable in some parts, but hey I'm talking about talking ponies on a site dedicated to talking ponies with an icon of a talking pony. So what the hay do I know?
ReplyDeleteAnswer: that I loved this. Awesome fic, great job!
I've gotta voice a different opinion here and commend you for going against fanon. Luna here fits a teenage moon goddess a heck of a lot better than the repentant, abused saint we see in most stories; frankly, I think the whole exchange had more to do with Celestia putting Twilight in "Luna's" room than anything else.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I feel like you've shortchanged Fluttershy a bit. As an "episode", that makes sense, but since you said this was the end of your plot it feels like all of those interesting things we learned about Fluttershy's mom were a bit of a waste without anyone learning about them.
And man-tears were shed.
ReplyDeleteLike I did. ;__;
The ending was nothing short of amazing. Seriously, this entire thing was exceptionally well written. I found myself patiently awaiting the conclusion to this fiction.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have only two, very small gripes. Well, none is small, the other, not so much.
1. I found it strange how Fluttershy's illness was barely touched upon.For the entire series, you've built her up as a pony growing slightely more insane everyday, and the dots on her Mark were representations of that. The Insanity was caused by the trauma she indured from her mother, and I get that much. However, how exactely does shocking her help it? I can get that she wasn't really insane, and this illness was curable, but the lack of explanation and delving into this detail kind of threw me for a loop. Nothing is said after Twilight shocks her, and there is no explanation as to what her "Illness" was. That is something that really should have been touched upon.
2. I was slightly disappointed about the lack of resloution in the AJ,RD,FS love triangle. Nothing is said afterwards about Fluttershy and Applejack's huge fight, as if they've solved their problems in a blink of an eye. When AJ apologised to RD, I felt that that scene could have been a little longer. It felt dry and rushed, even though it's supposed to solve their problems. That didn't sit right with me. Whatever Dash and Fluttershy did with their relationship should have been delved into as well. I know this was Twilight's chapter, but resolution bewteen those three's conflict would have been greatly appreciated.
Aside from those two gripes, I absolutely loved this story. I've read a lot of Fan Fiction in my years across many sites, and I can safely say this is in my Top Five that I've ever read, only surpassed by people of Shakespearian quality. I Five Starred every single part in this series, but I feel that probably isn't enough to convay my opinions on this story. Thank you for writting this, for it was an exhilarating read from start to finish.
The perfect end to a wonderful series.
ReplyDelete25,000/10
First, let me say that I utterly loved this story - absolutely 6/5 worth. The last chapter did a pretty swell job for untangling as many knots as it did.
ReplyDeleteFew were left untouched however, I think above posters touched them pretty good so I won't reiterate them much. I think hearing(reading?) Luna's and Celestia's side of the story a bit better would help keep up the big picture. Not necessary per say, but... possible?
(I am especially thankful for the Pinkie Pie: Schism chapter. Because it helped purge the awful image that I'd had there since I read Cupcakes. *sigh*)
Also, Rarity: Loss was pretty much the best chapter if you ask me. So thick with emotion. I was on the verge of crying out loud.
Bonus points for mentioning Luna's Abacus. ;)
Those random thoughts from the top of my tired head.
Best read I've come by on this site
ReplyDeleteFirst 3 paragraphs in and I'm like wut?, in a wtf did she just do that? kinda wut.
ReplyDeleteI like those kinda wuts, and the fics that have em.
Pony Tarot Cards? Can someone make them, plz?
ReplyDeletePS: You pull the last story pretty well. 5/5
PSS: What happened to Luna?
PSSS: Can I haz epilogue?
This is... No words...
ReplyDeleteWow
Well woven story.
ReplyDeleteNice cliffhanger from Rarity's to Twi's story.
My only minor issues with the story are just echos from other comments. Mainly concerning FSs illness and the RD/AJ/FS triangle. Could of been fleshed out a bit more but you still got the point across pretty well.
Even then, this is one of the best fics on the site, IMO.
this needs like
ReplyDeletea bazillion stars.
can somepony please edit that in to the website? a bazillion stars option?
A good ending to a great series. Though I was a little disappointed in how Pinkie's part was handled, I'm not sure why.
ReplyDeleteManly tears guy here. Though I'm sorry to say, I have no manly tears to shed this time.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this chapter, all I could think was "rushed, rushed, rushed, rushed!" This series, with all of its intricate complexities, deserved a conclusion at least twice as long, but instead, you return to the deus ex machina. You had an excuse this time, but that doesn't change the fact that the deus ex machina is a very poor way of wrapping up loose ends. The ways in which the chapter is rushed has been pointed out by multiple readers already, but let me reiterate: Twilight's too-easy acceptance of Celestia's revelation, particularly the timing and method; Luna's brief appearance and her unexplored bitterness; the instantaneous healing of each member of the mane cast; the lack of reconciliation among the rest of the mane cast (You only did a bit for Pinkie, Dash, and Aj); and Twilight never seeing fit to mention her immortality.
I want to say that despite this chapter, I enjoyed the entire series, but I can't. I enjoyed each chapter up until this one, and this is supposed to be the conclusion. This conclusion utterly failed to give a satisfactory resolution to the series, and I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth that spoils the entire package.
And the italics, man, the italics! They're supposed to mean something, but when you put half of every other line in italics, they just become blurs.
I am disappointed. Now excuse me while I bang my head on the nearest wall over the 50+ reviews of people calling for 6 stars.
For the love of Luna...WHAT is WRONG with the MAYOR in this town?!?!
ReplyDeleteI apologize for the large amount of words below this sentence.
ReplyDeleteIt was definitely interesting and I like the concept very much. Being one who likes the psychological "mind buck" stories (Higurashi comes to mind) may make things seem a little biased, but the story overall was quite the read.
What I liked:
-Everypony had their own personal and elemental ticks that just worked. I could see each and every one of them going nuts in the ways you described.
-At first I thought the "you just survived dying" was going to be badly done, but I think it worked out well. Being able to make it seem believable enough that it didn't feel like a "cop out" was a relief.
-Aside from what others have said about the bitter Luna, I personally enjoyed it and feel that although I love the sad, shy Luna, an angry and bitter Luna gives far more characterization.
-Also, I loved the way you add in the little things from the show, not just in jokes and the like, but also how you're able to spot the little things from the show and give meaning to them. The biggest one in my opinion, being Twilight's room which I would have never thought of being Luna's until you mention it and it all makes sense to me.
Criticisms:
-I do think that some of the resolutions were a bit, forced. I think the problem was that many of the ponies problems were solved with a little talking which sometimes didn't have to completely do with what they were dealing with.
-For Pinkie Pie, it sort of made sense. Talking is fine when the only problem you really have is tiredness and fear that breaks from parties will make everyone think you're boring.
-Applejack seemed to be making amends with everything even before Twilight got back, so a little talk to smooth things over was pretty okay too. I do kind of question the peace she found in hiding the fact that she was a filly-fooler though, being the element of honesty and all.
-Rainbow Dash I think was fine, even though working overly hard is probably still quite the problem and I don't think taking a small break to follow them after would solve things. (Granted I'm sure having another "session" with Fluttershy would fix that right up)
-Rarity's ending I can take one of two ways. It was either kind of forced where "OMG I am doomed. Oh look, I was sitting on a gold mine and I didn't even know it. Hihihi." or if you look at it in a deep way, the fact that she could only see the imperfections in the gems shows how she was unable to see herself as the kind and generous pony she had always been. Instead seeing all of her flaws.
-I'd like to bring up though that even if she does seem to give away all her dresses, the one time she did find gems in Dog and Pony Show, she wasn't exactly doing it for charity if I'm not mistaken. Not only that, but how many more of the dresses were ordered at the end of the episode and unless you assume she turned Sapphire Shores down, she would have made quite a lot of bits off of those gem encrusted dresses. Also, being supposedly famous, I think Sapphire Shores would have also been able to tell how rare the gems were. Part of me also thinks that Rarity would know her gems as well. Take this little section as being nit-picky though.
-Fluttershy's part was good, even if it seems a little "Deus ex Machina" at first with the I'll zap her with magic and make her better. It was a good way to have more proof that Twilight has her friends trust and also helps show Rainbow Dash's ability to see what's right and do what needs to be done to save her friends, no matter how hard it may be.
That's about it, I think. I am curious whether you'll continue the series or not. I personally would love to see your interpretation of what actually happened to Luna and what is happening now in the present of your story. Maybe the next psychotic breakdown is featuring our favorite dark blue alicorn?
On consideration of some very polite Ponies' critiques, I believe I shall adjust the ending party slightly and some of the interim chats to better address the Love Triangle, and take a look at fiddling with FS's denouement a bit; after earlier criticism suggesting the three in the triangle got too much screentime, I was gunshy about adding more - that'll teach me! :P
ReplyDeleteI acknowledge that some might find the second half a little fast, but in part that is the whole idea. TS finds herself almost instinctively gathering up and calming her fellow Elements, and they feel drawn to her as well. Also, it is meant (even in the order it is presented) to echo her first meeting with them, and the almost suspicious speed with which she made friends with them.
As for the harshness of Celestia's way of showing TS the truth at the beginning, though, the Princess says it herself: some things can't just be said or read about - especially not to a student so skeptical that she found Pinkie Sense too implausible. (Morpheus voice: "Unfortunately, nobody can be told what the Matrix is...") She felt it was vital to jar her student into realizing the sheer scope of how the Element of Magic has changed her.
As for sequels/continuations/etc, that is pretty much totally gonna happen now, what with so many 6-stars in a row. How can I refuse? Luna/Celestia and their issues will get a story, a couple of side characters have potential plots I'm mulling over, and a farther-future epilogue to this plot is also a definite possibility.
This story (and whole series) is simply amazing, thank you Saddlesoap Opera.
ReplyDeleteOh, and the correct line for Celestia in Russian would be "но я должна уйти" (or even more appropriate "я должна вас покинуть") since "должен" is wrong grammatical gender.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI was *hoping* some Russian-speaking Pony would double-check that for me; thanks!
In the first draft, it was the Contessa of San Caballo speaking "Esponyol," but I went with something more ambitious. :P
When the other edits go in, I'll fix that too. Thanks again!
@Saddlesoap
ReplyDeleteHum... and what about the large number of people that addressed the issue of Twilight's ''I'm immortal because... MAGIC!... and because I'm better than the other 5, for no Good reasons'' ?
Six(6) Elements... ALL part of the whole Harmony system thing... and ''Magic'' is ONLY the key, if you really want to call it that, but! ...even if you have the key to your car, if you don't have the rest you will not go anywhere.
Each Element is an important and vital part of the whole thing.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteThat's sort of the whole point...
She might live forever, but without friendship eternity is no picnic.
Celestia did mention that she would live as long "as she cared to" - which might not be long if she was alone and miserable.
Even if it is vital for the whole mechanism to work, and it could sit on a shelf for centuries while other parts wear or fall apart, a car's key is indeed meaningless without the car.
Twilight gets the odd Element out, yes, but even in the show (as mentioned above) she wore different regalia and acted as the focal point for her friends' energies.
Without friends - either the ones she has, or ones she may make in the coming years ahead - immortality is a burden.
Basically, she is a living embodiment of the notion that real friendships last forever - even if some friends outlive others, they live on in their hearts.
I have to wonder whether all of the criticism towards bitter Luna is just because it goes against what the fandom wants to think of her as rather than because it is a detriment to the story (and I recognize that some people who criticized her portrayal said the same thing as well).
ReplyDeleteI don't see how Luna having bitterness towards Celestia is a particularly far-fetched scenario to have based on what we know happened in canon. She's not an atoning Luna, and she's not Progress Luna, and yes, it would be best if a pseudo-sequel to this was written to explain the story from the eyes of Celestia/Luna; but no, bitter and scheming Luna isn't particularly odd based on what we know about her.
Just because 95% of the fan fics that involve her write as a variation of the above two possibilities doesn't make this interpretation of her character any less valid.
Yeah, she had only one or two lines of dialogue in the show, and wouldn't YOU be pissed at your sister for her locking you up in the moon for a thousand years? That'd be enough to make anyone hate someone, and Luna was already harboring a hate for her sister before being locked up. It actually makes more sense than the "Holier than thou" Luna that's normally seen in fic, though since this is a kid's show we're talking about it'll most likely come across differently in season 2.
ReplyDeletePlaying Devil's Advocate for the win!
Interesting, interesting... all things considered, this is a really solid setup. I like the additions you've made to each of the characters and their conditions. It's inventive, and it works well. Very little seems forced or unbelievable. And it all came together very nicely in the end. Also, I think this may be the first story I've read which didn't cast Luna in a mostly sympathetic light... which is kind of a refreshing change of pace.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to criticize, I'll have to throw in with the others who say Fluttershy's therapy seemed a little rushed. It seems like there would be more that needs to be resolved. The elemental "curse" seems to exacerbate her pre-existing illness. Will it come up again? Do her friends learn of her condition? Do she and Applejack mend fences? What about her and Spike? Or Celestia? How much does or doesn't she remember? Was it right to withhold the truth from her as they did? Doesn't she have a right to know? I don't know if I like the thought of everyone tip-toeing around it, smiling at Fluttershy being all oblivious. Really, it seems kind of spooky to think they could just tell her what she's been doing for the past few days and she'll buy it without actually remembering it clearly. That's not indicative of a healthy mentality. She seems dazed, half unconscious... Does she even remember getting in that fight? And could she really be soothed with a single sentence and a white lie or two? Also, if the condition could be so easily treated, then whatever became of her mother? Doesn't this double the tragedy of her? Was she killed by the "storm treatment?" Might she have been treated much earlier? Hmm. Everyone else had a "Hug, there, there" moment with Twilight, but Fluttershy got more of a "ZAP! There, there." Considering the buildup, her denouement just seems too pat.
Other than that, though, I really can't complain! Good work.
While Joe england thows a few valid points . . . i easily overlook them. Sometimes the treatment of harsh love is required to bring somepony back to her senses . . tho in this situation it could possibly have been life threatening for Fluttershy. I loved every bit of this series. This chapter was by way, the best, and most informative of them all. It was wonderful to find out that Twilight, no matter what had, some of the most loyal friends that could be asked for. Celestia, tho harsh had no choice but to teach the lesson, one that had hid a wonderous yet overburdening secret. While my heart sang for its reveal to Twilight, i felt nothing but pain for the future she was going to have to endure. Her element . . . . . being a double edged sword. But the enlightenment shared in this story was wonderful. I really loved the well thought out the descriptions of each element was. Bravo, i hoof stomp yer ideals of creativity here. I became misty eyed constantly . . . . . Those descriptions fit them all perfectly . . . Especailly Twilights. *tearfully happy and content sigh*
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU. This was a trip worth taking!!!!!!
Holy damn. This really was one hell of a trip reading this. Some small things bothered me though, like how easily accepting Twilight was finding out she was immortal. The seemed kindda rushed to me at parts.
ReplyDeleteBut Still. I loved this chapter. I'm a real sucker for happy endings and I really loved it. The bits of humor in it is really nice too =)
I might be pushing it here, but am I seeing a possible epilogue with Luna?
Was gonna say what I had beef with, but Saddlesoap's two explainy posts pretty much addressed most of my concerns in an acceptable, if not satisfactory manner.
ReplyDeleteAlso, inb4 silly derpy psychological fic! (And maybe the serious one reuploaded in its place the day after)
P.S. seriously hyped that you might plan to extend this series beyond the mane 6.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteCompletely agreed.
This entire chapter, in my opinion, was just entirely rushed, used Deus Ex Machina and what can be called an "Ass Pull". Each situation was more rushed than the previous.
Twilight barely spoke more than 2 significant lines with each of the Elements of Harmony, she cooled down way too quickly to her 'killing' and the revelation, and it truly saddens me that Fluttershy was gradually turned psychotic and violent, completely and utterly out of character, and then excuse it on some kind of 'condition' that involved her cutie mark, which was nothing more than an deus ex machina/ass pull, not to mention the "shock therapy". Nothing was explained. How can a "shock therapy" cure something like that, involving a cutie mark, apparently, out of nowhere? It was just way too quick. And Fluttershy's reaction after she recovered was just...
Rushed. Everything here was rushed. I can't say it enough, and I can't find any other word for it. Many things were also left unsolved and were not wrapped up. It needed to be longer, to be given more time.
I had enjoyed the first 3 or 4 chapters, but each one was worse than the next. A disappointment.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWell, I re-read my reply and found it was badly written.
"When I read this chapter, all I could think was "rushed, rushed, rushed, rushed!" This series, with all of its intricate complexities, deserved a conclusion at least twice as long, but instead, you return to the deus ex machina. You had an excuse this time, but that doesn't change the fact that the deus ex machina is a very poor way of wrapping up loose ends. The ways in which the chapter is rushed has been pointed out by multiple readers already, but let me reiterate: Twilight's too-easy acceptance of Celestia's revelation, particularly the timing and method; Luna's brief appearance and her unexplored bitterness; the instantaneous healing of each member of the mane cast; the lack of reconciliation among the rest of the mane cast (You only did a bit for Pinkie, Dash, and Aj); and Twilight never seeing fit to mention her immortality.
I want to say that despite this chapter, I enjoyed the entire series, but I can't. I enjoyed each chapter up until this one, and this is supposed to be the conclusion. This conclusion utterly failed to give a satisfactory resolution to the series, and I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth that spoils the entire package."
This can sum it up.
Apologies for the double post!
@ Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThe first chapter of the story was almost entirely about Fluttershy's condition, so unless I'm misreading your post I'm not sure I understand how you think it was something thrown together for the last chapter.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThank you for catching something I didn't actually go over.
The love triangle aspect is TOTALLY LOST in this last chapter. We barely know how RD/FS were going, and with a jealous AJ that isn't jealous anymore... it needed some resolving. Like everything else after Twilight arrived, I think the story was just ridiculously fast to it's ending. Good subject matter but I think that hurt it really badly actually.
After a night to reflect, I have to agree with quite a few anons here; it just... wasn't good enough to end on. I loved Dependence and Exposure, but this chapter was so rushed that I barely enjoyed it. ESPECIALLY using two lines to totally restore everyone to normal (though I think it made sense for Pinkie Pie since her issues were, in contrast, pretty small).
ReplyDeleteI've been waiting for this for SO LOOOONG !!!
ReplyDeleteTHANK CELESTIA-NESS :'DDD
You, Saddlesoap Opera, are amazing.
ReplyDeleteNormally, I never get into reading fan fics that go too deep into The Elements of Harmony and Twilight Sparkle's relation to it, but after following your incredible series of stories, this just made it all come together perfectly.
Really well done, 6 stars, one for each pony =)
*clopplauds* Bravo! A great ending to a great series. I loved all the tie-ins to the other fics.
ReplyDeleteI should point out that I have added a few small edits:
ReplyDeleteThe Russian should be fixed now (a small point, but why do something half way?),
Fluttershy's "treatment" got some slightly different dialogue that brings up her mother,
and the ending party features a slightly longer sequence that includes a *bit* of triangle resolution.
I feel it makes at least a small move toward addressing some of the concerns above, and more importantly, ties up some loose ends.
Also, once again, thanks a million to those of you who leveled criticisms my way; you were all very clear, specific, and MOST importantly, not jerks about it. I appreciate it SO much!
Could there BE a better fandom?
Saddlesoap, you're the embodiment of what makes this fandom great. All these imaginative and creative minds coalescing into this one idea that we all love and cherish.
ReplyDeleteThis was certainly beyond well-crafted, and I am not ashamed to say that you have more imagination than I could ever hope to attain. You have my utmost respect, and maybe a tad of my envy...
It's been an honor and a privilege going on this journey you made for us.
-FillyShy
Warning, spoilers in this post.
ReplyDeleteSaddlesoap, I'll keep this short and sweet.
I. Love. This. Series.
I read the whole thing twice last night, to mentally digest everything. I love your take on the Elements of Harmony; how the ponies who wield them can be overcome by their influence and embody them to a fault.
I also have to thank you for making note of the fact that Twilight can choose when she's ready to die, rather than being truly immortal. I would have hated if Twilight was FORCED to outlive everyone she ever cared about.
Lastly, I REALLY like what you did with Fluttershy's backstory. You stretched the infamous "You're going to LOVE ME" line into such a tragic past for Fluttershy, you had this brony shedding man tears.
Please, PLEASE continue to write, I can not wait to read your next work!
First Anon to make a very long post, here(June 6, 2011 11:43 PM, to be exact) I really should make a Blogger account, but I digress.
ReplyDeleteOk then, just re-read it with the edits, and I must say, every little bit counts. I absolutely loved what you added to the AJ+FS thing. That extra three paragraphs, added the closure it should of had in the begining. I admit, I could feel man-tears swelling up during AJ's speach. It felt like the ending those characters deserved. Very well done.
And the Fluttershy's illness thing, while still slightly confusing, makes a little more sense now. Having her mention her mother brought the scene together well. My only suggestion is if you perchance make an epilogue, try to explain what her condition was to begin with. We have all the pieces of the puzzle, but we can't fit them together. Try explaining what how her mother would have caused the condition(weather it's genitic, she caught it, or if it just came out from being long hidden). That would help, immensely, in my opinion. Then again, you don't need to. It does work well as is, and one small hiccup does not a bad story make.
I have only one small piece of advice for whatever you write in the future; Don't get over confident. I noticed in a few of your posts, you said "Well, another 6-star story". You may have been joking, which is fine, but the last thing you want to do as a writter is to get cocky. Never assume that your story will be a hit. Write your heart out, and try your best to make every piece grand. When you get over confident, you start skipping corners, and rushing, which is the opposite of what any good writter wants.
In closing, I'll reitterate what I've said before. Thank you for writting this. It's been an amazing read, and I look forward to whatever it is you go to next.
Glad you're going to continue some stuff, man. Frankly I think this whole series is a great "pilot" to stories that involve more psychological aspects of the characters; and in that sense, leaving some of the conflicts open is a wise move, since all Twilight is doing is getting everyone back to a functional level, not fixing their problems forever.
ReplyDeleteFor me at least, the most interesting conflict is going to be when the other girls realize they are not exactly normal ponies anymore; that banishing Nightmare Moon did something to them that changed their fundamental makeup. We know Twilight can live "as long as she cares to." but the other Elements aren't exactly fleeting concepts either. Who knows what kind of changes bonding with the Elements made in the girls?
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteCocky? Perish the thought! I'm more bemused than anything. The positive response from the Brony population is actually pretty humbling; I will do my level best to continue to produce Fic worthy of their praise. *RD-style salute*
@Anonymous
An interesting question...
they may not be everliving, but what *could* those pretty necklaces let them do?
I suppose it remains to be seen...
"But Princess, I must defeat the magic!"
ReplyDelete"No, Twilight, you are the magic."
And then Twilight was the magic.
Great story, as usual. Best fanfic series I've read so far. Can't wait to see what this guy comes up with later on.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteI momentarily forgot about that, but what I meant was the extremely quick "shock therapy", which shouldn't even be called a therapy - most so-called 'therapies' take weeks to run through. Besides, the therapy in itself is still a Deus Ex Machina - Twilight doesn't even explain how and why it works/ed, and nothing is said about the condition itself except that it somehow involves the cutie mark distorting.
I'd like to compliment you on a terrific series. This is definitely one of the better stories to come out of the community. You've poured a lot of hard work and imagination into it, and it shows.
ReplyDeleteAlso, kudos for deviating from the traditional fandom portrayal of Luna. The scene between her and Twilight was probably my favorite of this chapter. I'd also like to compliment you on the tarot card symbology. That was a stroke of genius, and it worked very well.
I have to echo some of the other critiques that have been brought up. The ending did seem rushed. Artistically, I know what you were going for, having Twilight proceed from one pony to the next, echoing the first episode of the show. Unfortunately, it doesn't work especially well here. That's because the characters in this fic are substantially more complex than their counterparts from the pilot. You've lathered on the psychology, peppering them with mental health issues, mood disorders, love triangles, chemical dependencies. And while all those things impart realism and three dimensionality to the characters, they also make the quick, dirty, deus-ex-machina, Twilight-shows-up-and-solves-everything-with-three-lines-of-dialogue ending that much more dissatisfying.
Celestia's actions seem entirely out of character. I'm incredulous that she would go so far as to have Twilight killed, however temporarily. Yeah, Twilight is immortal--even so, what a stupid thing to do. After witnessing the psychological distress afflicting the rest of the group, would she really risk traumatizing Twilight, shattering that bond of trust and friendship forever? A simple explanation would have sufficed. And then there's the matter of the Russian delegation--"Sorry, Twilight, what I'm about to tell you is apparently important enough to have you murdered in order to prove a point, but I have this state dinner scheduled that I simply can't put off one minute longer." Jeeze, what a message to send.
I think the thing that bothers me most, though, is the resolution. It's supposed to be a happy ending--I think--but to me, it all just seems so very sad. Five of the characters are basically emotionally crippled, dependent on Twilight for the rest of their lives. And Twilight is stuck playing caretaker to them, forced to sacrifice the things she enjoys (her studies, her library) to mentally stabilize them. It was one thing when this was all a matter of psychology, but the fact that their suffering derives from the Elements of Harmony and other forces beyond their control seems cosmically unfair. Far from being uplifting, the final chapter left me feeling empty and depressed. But maybe that's what you were going for.
I'm happy to hear you've decided to continue writing. I look forward to see what you'll come up with next. A Luna psychology story would be interesting, but I'm sure anything you write will be worth reading.
Wow. At first I was all "Yay a new installment!" and then I thought, "That was awesome!" and then I thought "Oh no, now it's all over!" and then I read the comments and now I can't wait for the new stuff. As always, top notch work Saddlesoap.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, this is, by far, the best fanfic I've ever read.
ReplyDeleteIt's late, and I'm tired, so I won't even attempt to explain how much I loved this story (I doubt I could put it into words on a good day).
So let me just end by sincerely thanking you for an amazing read.
Easily one of the most drawing story series ever, I was so ready to freak at the end of Rarity's story, but you've wrapped it up so well, but not in a cheesy way. Great work!
ReplyDelete@Guided: So I wasn't the only one that found the ending to be horrifying? Cause I loved because of that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but I'm going to have to be blunt here.
ReplyDeleteI did not like this story, and it frankly boggles me how many people are holding it up as an exemplar of fiction.
The most positive thing I can say about it is that you got the general shape of the psychological issues each pony has right. Kinda. And you write scenes pretty well.
So, in the spirit of constructive criticism, here are some things I thought did not work at all.
1) Lazy, insipid, and just plain *lack* of plotting. I hope you don't read this as being rude, because that's not the intent - I actually do have reasons for using each of those words.
You introduce plot points which are never mentioned again, or merely mentioned in passing and never given the true catharsis they require. You revel in cheese — I have honestly never seen anyone else dare to do the tired this-is-totally-the-BLACKEST-OF-BLACK-magic-oh-wait-it's-fine-realising-your-true-love-was-the-key device *that* quickly. (Even Doctor Who had the decency to give it more than one scene :p)
You rely *heavily* on deus ex machinas, which is especially obviously undesirable in a series purporting to be about psychology. To be satisfying, all the problems and all the solutions needed to come from within.
For instance, what purpose did the for-no-apparent-reason-AJ-is-now-brutally-honest thing serve? Even if you were trying to apply a can't-keep-secrets emotional arc on her, there are better ways to activate it. (And of course, that *wasn't* the arc she went through and her conclusion didn't address that at all and the whole thing was muddled and ... yea, lazy plotting.)
Oh, yeah, and you're not allowed to answer all of this with "magic", because there is such a thing as inworld plausibility and consistency that you're not allowed to violate.
2) The overuse of ... not exaggeration, because it happens in the story, but overdramatic and unbelievable stake-raising. You can create drama without, say, making Pinkie selfdestructive to the point of smashing her face in the mirror, or making Fluttershy ignorant about the plants she uses, or saying that Rarity is literally starving herself to death, or turning Fluttershy into a wouldbe murderer, or "Kill her." just for the cliffhanger, or forcing shock therapy into the story, or...
And the really depressing thing was — you had all the tools to not have to do so! But you did, and the story suffers severely for it.
3) Pacing. Pacing pacing pacing pacing pacing, pacing PACING. Pacing paci- pacing! Pacing pacing? PACING PACING.
Pacing.
Everything was rushed, except for the noncritical things that should have been glossed over. If you are going to bring in black magic and Twi's knowledge of it for one scene, the way to justify it is not to make her suddenly spew out a full explanation of how she knows it in a time critical situation. When you've built up to the climax of your plot, the way to resolve it is not to suddenly-Celestia defuse it and have the camera spend the next two days lazing around Canterlot.
And, for gods' sake, the way to conclude your psychology-based story is *not* with two sentences per character, even if they were the most relevant two sentences ever written! (Which they *weren't* — as others have mentioned, Rarity's and Dash's conclusions, for two, are completely broken.)
I mean, look. I'm judging this to very high standards. And you had a good idea here — it would not surprise me if a subtler, longer, paced and plotted version of this story is exactly the story canon itself ends up telling, actually.
But you need to do a lot of work on it before I'd even consider it *good*, and you need to hold yourself to those standards. You *can* write a six-star story, but this ain't it.
TL;DR: Needs moar seaponies.
your poems are FKNING amazing
ReplyDeleteThe High Ritesmare, loved everywhere,
Kindly helps her flock to grow.
But without them soon sinks to despair;
Alone she withers – a flower in snow.
AMAZING
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOw...my self-esteem. >_<
Seriously though, I'm glad to see that even though you are displeased, you critiqued rather than flamed.
Allow me to respond as best I can:
Firstly, Twilight's use of Neighcromancy was, IMO, no more Equus Ex Machina than any of her other spells used and then tossed aside in the show itself. Magic is a highly effective problem solving tool.
It wasn't meant to be tapping into the very soul of Cupcakes - just accessing a flavour of magic proper Ponies oughtn't. A White Planeswalker using a Black spell, to employ some M:TG terms.
Secondly, the pacing and conflicts:
Exaggeration and resolution are in part the whole tone of the arc, and Spellbound is meant to crystallize that.
The Elements drive the Ponies' problems unavoidably to the forefront, and of course due to the sneaky tricks of Destiny, those problems resonate with the Elements. What might have been a minor issue is magnified into a critical danger or Greek tragedy in the making.
Once the missing piece - Twilight's involvement - comes into play, things settle with the speed of a boiler whose release valve has been pulled. It was MEANT to feel like a whirlwind of activity - like Twilight applied equal parts of her own intellect, Celestia's instruction and the power of the Elements to attack her friends' problems with a vengeance.
I was going for something like the feel of the climax of Nightmare Before Christmas - Jack turfs Oogie in MOMENTS once he gets his head together, Santa fixes the WORLD even faster than that, and the crowd cheers. Not Deus ex Machina - PROTAGONIST ex Machina.
The second half of Spellbound was meant to illustrate that TS has internalized the difference between just HAVING friends and BEING one back to them.
You aren't the first to feel that it was rushed, though. Ironically, I worried Spellbound was coming in too LONG - it's longer than any two others in the series put together. Go figure.
Lastly, though, compare the resolution here to the 5th Act of any episode - MLP's style tends to bring out the big guns late, and solve things hard and fast. (I.E., "Because...IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" cue group hug)
TL;DR, not unaware of the issues you presented, planned some of them on purpose, and am pleased you presented them in a civil fashion.
Peace.
Finally got around to reading the series. A very good story.
ReplyDeleteThat said, even with the edits, the love triangle still seems to be lacking a real resolution. I'm not a huge fan of shipping in general, but if you're going to bring it into a story, please tie it up adequately! Even after re-reading it, I can't tell whether Dash's feelings for Fluttershy were genuine, caused by the berries, caused by her inflated sense of loyalty as part of the Element feedback, caused by some sort of the apparent emotional feedback from Twilight's spell, or some combination of those.
Positive note/bragging: I actually understood the reasoning behind the pacing "issue" even before reading through the comments. Magical ailment, magical remedy solves the problem pretty quickly. It works fine.
Looking forward to some sort of epilogue.
@Saddlesoap
ReplyDeleteI do believe you may have missed most of the point of what I was trying to say >_<
---
Okay. Firstly, my objection wasn't to the use of dark magic itself - while a bit sigh-inducing, I can accept it in context. The problem is the use of the dark-magic-has-consequences-BUT-WAIT-they're-negated-by-resolving-the-will-they-or-won't-they-that's-been-teased-for-a-while. That's a tired, cheesy, tired, clichéd device, it really is.
Even if it wasn't, it doesn't fit tonally with MLP or your story. (I believe one of the reasons FiM has become so popular is because while Equestria is happy, it is definitely not a Sugar Bowl.)
---
Ooof. Now this is a toughie.
Firstly: just because you planned it does not mean it works in practice, just as a general principle.
Secondly: I get the feel you say you were going for, but it's not the feel that gets across. If it was presented as magical solutions to magical problems, then it might have worked, but it isn't. (Or, at least, that's my and apparently a lot of other people's reading, which suggests you've failed in getting your vision across.)
As we follow the ponies through the first few chapters, the feel is very much personal problems. The kind of thing that talks about something fundamentally broken or wrong in a pony's brain, not a magical ailment. AJ's is the only one that doesn't fit the pattern (except not entirely because yea, muddled) and it does stick out as "that doesn't make sense".
The implications are certainly not that of "easy fix coming up!", they're of "we're gonna get some deep characterisation".
(I mean, hell, it's referred to as the "Pony Psychology" series. That's tonally completely different right there.)
Or, to put it another way, you need to make it obvious you're going for Poison Joke rather than schizophrenia.
(On which note — when treated as a standalone episode, Party of One's conclusion is definitely weak and not something you should strive to emulate. Party of One isn't weak, but that's because I have enough faith in the show that it's just part one of a longer story they want to tell.)
---
Thirdly, I do believe most of my points don't actually depend on the style of story you're going for. Most of the pacing criticisms still apply. The exaggeration is still unbelievable and suspension-of-disbelief-breaking, though now because of lack of proper signposting. A lot of the plotting is still lazy and lacking catharsis (one of many examples: Dash's addiction. Never resolved, and more importantly, you set up a beautiful moment with Dash taking advantage of Fluttershy to feed her addiction and then literally nothing comes of it.)
Oh, and pacing is almost completely independent of length. You can have lots of text rushing through a scene, or very little text bogging it down.
---
Finally, I always try to be polite (which is not the same thing as trying to not be inflammatory :p), and it saddens me that you feel the need to point it out.
(Oh, and I finally learned how to use italics, yaaaay~)
@Saddlesoap
ReplyDeleteI hope you realise, by the way, that this is a case of "we hurt because we love." I really do think you had a good idea here (both, in fact), and you got so close to achieving greatness...
(Well, close under some measures >_>)
Please, take this in the intended constructive fashion instead of getting defensive.
I really really do wish you the best.
Amazing work. I absolutely loved this series of stories and I can't wait for more.
ReplyDeleteMy only complaint was that through the entire series I became fascinated with the illness suffered by Fluttershy and her mother and it wasn't really touched on that much. It was a very interesting illness, especially given the fact that it affected their cutie marks.
I would love to see this illness explained, Saddlesoap, maybe even given a name. How did Twilight recognize it, and how did she know immediately that shocking her would "fix" it? Why exactly did it cause the cutie marks to change and warp?
Akk! Might want to put them in the order you should read them . I just read Rarity's story, and suddenly Twilight's is next. I haven't read any of the others!
ReplyDeleteI posted a review on FanFiction.net.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, why does everyone write that AJ and RD get together or want to get together? Talk about an overused theme.
@Timber
ReplyDeleteI think it's not so much "overused" as "obvious."
Apart from the fact that the two of them are the most tomboyish of the six, their competitive rivalry in Fall Weather Friends positively reeks of "Foe Yay" (see TV Tropes) to those on the watch for shipping potential.
Not to mention AJ's BIZARRELY keen ability to snag RD's tail in her teeth... : P
But yeah, there are certainly some pairings that are plausible but underused in comparison.
Hell yes twilight is the best pony
ReplyDeleteHmm, I don't really expect a quick response (if any), but I came back to this series for a re-read, and going through the last chapter it seems like a few elements of the story were changed since I last read it. I read the Spellbound chapter the same day it was released and I don't remember Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy breaking up at the end...anypony care to confirm this?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYes, I can help you out there.
The ending was indeed changed - I am always interested to hear criticism, and if I think comments are both valid and intriguing, I am not above editing my fics to accommodate them.
See the comments (especially mine) in the central Pony Psychology post to learn more about what got changed where.
The relationship shift you mentioned is the biggest change, along with greater length in Twilight's "fixing" the other Elements.
Easily the most well-written and gloriously crafted story I have ever read. And that's saying a lot. You have an immense talent here. I have only one, very minor thing to complain about. Rarity and her usage of "Dah-ling". That's it. Other than that, a masterfully written piece. Top marks from me.
ReplyDeleteSince this is the collection of all of them, this NEEDS the [shipping f/f] tag NOW.
ReplyDeleteThat frustrates me. -_-
Okay finished.
ReplyDeleteGood story, good lessons.
But you shipped. And you shipped FLUTTERSHY. Therefore you lose 2 stars. Sorry bro.
And by you lose two stars, i mean, you got rated a 4/5
ReplyDelete